At first glance, Lex Legis wasn’t what River had expected.
Of course, she hadn’t been entirely certain what she should have expected. After telling Piggy to stay put (and silencing his whine of protest with a sharp look) and following Sonata toward where Lex was, River had mentally reviewed everything the other mare had told her about her boyfriend. But there had been precious little useful information there. Sonata’s anecdotes had an unfortunate tendency to rely on comparatives (“For realsies, the doctor said that another pony would need to stay down for like, a week, but Lex was running around in a day!”), superlatives (“It was, like, the biggest tornado ever, but Lex just stared it down!”), and onomatopoetic effects (“Then Lex cast a spell, and the ghoul was all like, ‘shprak!’ And then he zapped another one, and it went ‘znrap!’ And I was all ‘squee!’”). Between that, and how clearly besotted the brainless little filly was, there’d been nothing for River to use to prepare herself for the impromptu meeting ahead of time.
For now, the primary objective is just to learn what I can, she’d decided. Long years of moving through Vanhoover’s high society had taught her to always keep a goal in mind when engaging in business, something to focus on. Otherwise it was too easy to find yourself adrift and floundering, not sure if you were making progress or not. The secondary goal is to figure out if I can make him turn on the McNeighs, or if I’ll need to squash him. The former was infinitely more preferable, but the latter wouldn’t upset her much at all if it came to that.
Then Sonata had let out a yell – “Lex!” she’d called. “I brought the boat lady!” – waving at a particular stallion standing with a small group of ponies, and River finally got a good look at the pony she’d come here to see.
He was far more shabbily dressed than she’d expected. Rather than garbing himself like someone who’d presume to govern an entire city, his appearance was only somewhat better than the vagrants filling the camp. His plain brown mane was cut messily, as though he’d hacked at it himself rather than having a proper stylist attend to it. His outfit was a mish-mash of items: a weathered cloak spread over his back that didn’t quite cover the saddlebags he was wearing, and on top of which rested a scythe, of all things. A rather garish-looking amulet hung around his neck, and what had to be some sort of cheap anklet was around his right foreleg. And around his left foreleg…River blinked. Was that barbed wire?
But as outlandish as his ensemble was, it was nothing compared to his features. His horn was a gaudy red color that didn’t match his coat, obviously the result of a slap-dash application of paint since the base of it was still his natural grey. His shadow was stretched out wildly behind him despite the fact that the sun was nearing its zenith, an ostentatious display that was clearly the result of some minor spell. And his face…
The sight of Lex’s features gave River pause. She’d expected him to look either haughty and full of himself, or ingratiating and servile; the former would have fit an opportunist with an inflated sense of his own self-importance, either because he thought he was a powerful wizard or because of the mare he was with, or both, while the latter would have been what she’d expected from a patsy put up by another of Vanhoover’s Big Three families. But Lex’s face registered neither of those things. Instead, he was frowning deeply, his brown eyes fixed in a glare that made it look like he was restraining the urge to berate the pony speaking to him.
A moment later those eyes turned to regard Sonata, and for a moment his features softened, a relieved sigh escaping him. Then he turned to look at River, his face returning to its look of disapproval before he apparently lost interest in her, returning his attention to the small group of ponies in front of him. The exchange was over in a second, but it was enough to make River’s eyes narrow behind her sunglasses. He’d been concerned about Sonata having gone to get her…another clue that the monsters Piggy had mentioned were real? And the look River herself had received either meant he wasn’t happy to see her, or that was just his default expression. Let’s find out, she decided.
Seizing the initiative, she strode past Sonata as she approached Lex, taking off her sunglasses as she put on a warm smile. “Lex Legis?” she called. “Sonata’s told me so much about you! My name’s Riv-”
“Shut up,” snapped Lex. “I’ll deal with you in a moment.” The venom in his voice stopped River in her tracks, utterly shocked by the blatant rudeness. Lex didn’t seem to care, turning back to the pony in front of him. “What do you mean they wouldn’t take the money?” he hissed.
“I tried to give it to them!” protested the earth pony stallion in front of him, flinching at Lex’s accusatory tone. “But every time I got close, they’d throw pumpkins at me! Not even good ones, old rotten ones! I told them why I was there, but they didn’t stop!”
“Then you should have left the bits in a conspicuous area and returned without them, you simp-”
“Ah ah ah!” tsked Sonata as she trotted up and moved alongside Lex as though it were the most natural thing in the world. “How about letting your spokespony handle this, ‘kay?”
Lex let out a breath, but rather than protest the suggestion made an odd gesture and muttered something River didn’t quite catch. A moment later he started whispering – not into Sonata’s ear or anything, just whispering out loud – and after a few seconds Sonata began speaking to the stallion Lex had been dressing down. “Okay! So first, Lex says that you did a great job!”
“Really?” asked the stallion uncertainly, his eyes moving back and forth from her easy smile to Lex’s glare and back again.
“Totes!” nodded Sonata. “Trust me, he just looks mad because he was worried about you.” She lightly nudged her boyfriend at that, earning a reproachful look in return, but Lex didn’t contradict her, continuing to whisper. “What’s really important is that you made it there and back in one piece. Go you!” She cheered that last part, punching the air, causing the stallion to give a goofy grin and half-heartedly copy the gesture. The sight made Sonata smile wider. “So, just one teensy little suggestion for next time. Since you just had to drop off the money, maybe do like the mailman-, wait, what now?” Sonata paused as she looked at Lex, blinking in confusion. “‘Mailmare’? What’s a mailmare-, oh! I get it!” Throwing Lex a wink that couldn’t have been more obvious, she turned back to the stallion. “Ahem. Instead, maybe do like the mailmare and just leave it there for them to get later, like a package.”
“Huh. You know, that’s not a bad idea.” The stallion nodded thoughtfully, brow furrowed as he turned the idea over. River didn’t miss how Lex seemed to be grinding his teeth at the display, though everypony else seemed to. “Should I go back later and try doing that?”
Sonata paused for the barest fraction of a second, letting Lex whisper before she responded. “Absolutely! That’s the spirit!”
Heartened, the stallion nodded, and Sonata looked at the other ponies gathered around. Ponies who were giving my money away to those hick farmers, realized River angrily, recalling what Piggy had told her. But she held her tongue, still not sure how to proceed.
“In the meantime, all of you guys take a powder,” continued Sonata. “We’ll be having lunch soon.” The assembled ponies seemed glad to hear that, offering thanks and waves as they walked away, leaving River alone with the other two, both of whom seemed content to ignore her as Sonata turned to face Lex. “I’m back!” she announced.
“I’m aware of that,” answered Lex flatly, already looking in River’s direction.
“Aw, that’s it?” pouted Sonata. “No welcome back kiss?”
Lex frowned at that, not in displeasure but in confusion, as though Sonata had started speaking a foreign language. He seemed to think on it for a moment, before finally giving a stiff nod and pressing his lips to hers. The gesture brought a pleased grunt from Sonata’s throat, her eyes closing in happiness.
River had to struggle not to gawk at what she was seeing. She’s the one coaxing affection from HIM? Despite the fact that River had only known Lex Legis for all of sixty seconds, she could already tell that he was nowhere near Sonata’s league. The idea that a mare that attractive would be with someone as rude and disheveled-looking as him boggled the mind; that she’d be the one pressing herself to his side and fishing for kisses was completely unthinkable. That she was so smitten with him while he seemed almost annoyed by her wasn’t just incomprehensible, it was the sort of thing you’d never expect unless…
Unless it came from a love potion, she realized. It made perfect sense; she’d thought about using one of those on Mounte when she’d been trying to worm her way into the Bank family. But unlike Canterlot – where Sonata had said she and Lex had come from – magical curios were harder to come by in Vanhoover, and she hadn’t been able to purchase one. She’d even tried to brew one herself, but she hadn’t been able to get all the ingredients, and so she’d been forced to abandon the attempt lest her love potion become a love poison instead. In the end, she’d needed to win Mounte Bank’s affection the old-fashioned way. But if Lex had managed to get his hooves on such a potion…
Suddenly all the pieces fell into place.
A love potion to win a girl out of his league. A spell to move his shadow and a dab of paint to make his horn look more striking. Convincing his mare that he was a powerful wizard despite his leaving Canterlot, the foremost city for magical studies in all of Equestria. Even his bad attitude made sense now.
River had to fight to suppress a smirk. So that’s it, then. Some little unicorn has a talent for magic, and heads to the big city thinking that he’s going to be greatest thing they’ve ever seen. Instead he finds out that he was just a big fish in a little pond somewhere, and that Canterlot is full of unicorns more talented that he is. So he leaves in a huff, using some spells to make himself look how he thinks a big important wizard should, and sets up shop out here in the middle of nowhere to lick his wounded ego. Plus a love potion for the prettiest girl around as his own personal consolation prize. No wonder the McNeighs picked him, he’s the sort of dupe that’s practically begging to be manipulated.
This time River didn’t resist the urge to smile. Now that she knew what she was dealing with, it was time to move on to her secondary goal. “Allow me to introduce myself again,” she announced, her voice polite but carrying an edge to it. “My name is River Bank, of Vanhoover’s Bank family.”
Lex sent another rude look her way, whispering something under his breath. Sonata stirred a moment later. “Huh? Oh, yeah.” She turned to River then, smiling guilelessly. “Lex says-”
“No,” interrupted River. “Don’t translate for him. I want us to speak to each other directly.”
“I-, huh?” Sonata blinked, cocking her head. “For realsies?” She glanced at Lex, then back at River, her smile slowly wilting. “I’m not sure that’s, like, a great idea.”
“Oh, I insist,” replied River with a calculating smile. Her eyes were on Lex as she spoke next. “You see, that’s my money that you’ve been giving away.”
She took a step toward him then, moving in a deliberately aggressive manner. “And now, I want it back.”