So, you ever have that moment where you’re drunk and you’re doing five things at once? Well, I’m drunk and I’m talking, petting, stumbling, looking around, and giving Whiskey a whole bunch of important facts. “... Thus, when a whole bunch of animals are in one place, it’s called a zoo,” I finish my made up lecture. Whiskey sighs while she tries making sure I don’t fall over. She holds me steady before we continue walking.
“That was one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever heard,” she says. I giggle stupidly.
“Yeeeaaaah,” I say. I notice that we’re in the outskirts of the park, trying to find my house.
“Are you really even sober enough to know where to go?” Whiskey asks. I look at the sky.
“Judging from the trajectory of the sun and the stars, we’re in fuckawhoville,” I smartly say. Whiskey sighs.
“I knew it couldn’t be true,” she says. I look at her with bleary eyes.
“Have I ever said how pretty your feathers are?” I ask. She looks at me with an unamused look.
“My feathers?”
“Yes. Your feathers are fuckin’ pretty. They’re not as bland or depressing as the other griffons,” I say. Whiskey giggles, shaking her head.
“Anon, you’re drunk.”
“No, I’m beautiful bitch,” I say, pumping my fist in the air with enthusiasm. Oh hey, the ground’s coming towards my face. I smile in the dirt. “Look Whiskey! The floor’s my friend! It hugged me!” I hear Whiskey sigh before lifting me up.
We finally arrive at my house. The front door’s still broken. I frown as I see it. “Dammit Applefuck,” I say. Whiskey helps me balance myself as I walk to the doorframe.
“Why is your front door broken?” She asks.
“Appledip kicked it down to find me... a day ago I think,” I explain. I stumble my way to the living room, plopping onto the floor. I raise my arms. “Carry me!” I say in a childish voice. Whiskey groans.
“No, Anon, you can walk-“
“Stop infringing on the rights of my dudes!” I declare. Whiskey face palms. She turns to leave, but a smell hits her nose. She knows that smell all too well. She groans loudly, looking over at me. “I swear the cat did it,” I say. Whiskey sighs.
“I can’t say I didn’t see it coming. You did drink ten cans of beer after all,” she says. I sit up, looking at the floor. There is now a yellow spot on the floor.
“Damn cat, pissing on the floor,” I say.
“Anon, there isn’t a cat,” Whiskey says.
“... Alright, there isn’t a cat,” I admit.
Whiskey decided that I can clean that up in the morning, and then opts to drag me to the bathroom. “Why am I doing this extra crap,” she mumbles as she opens the door. “He’s an adult, he should do this shit,” she continues, dragging me to the bath tub. She lugs my legs over first before sitting me on the edge. She carefully set me down in the tub, making sure I don’t bump my head into the wall. This allows me to see her eyes, which are a nice dark green.
“Wow, your eyes are pretty,” I say randomly. She blushes and sets me down.
“Yeah yeah, just keep still. You pissed your pants.”
“... I’m pretty sure the dog did it,” I confidently say. Whiskey rolls her eyes and takes my pants. She hold the grey pants with two digits, trying not to touch the dark yellow stains. She tosses them to the sink, and looks at my boxers. She sighs and closes her eyes. She slips them off, trying not to touch or see anything else. Once she tosses them on top of the pants, she walks out of the bathroom. She searches my bedroom for boxers, finding them in a drawer next to my bed. She walks back in and closes her eyes.
“Okay, Anon, are you able to put on-“ the sound of rushing water cuts her off. She chances a look to see that I turned on the faucet while she was talking.
“Man, I’m thirsty,” I say, trying to sip the water. Instead, I drench myself with the water, making my shirt wet. Whiskey groans in frustration and shuts it off. She yanks me out of the tub and quickly puts some boxers on me. She precedes to acknowledge that she did not see my privates. Done with that, she takes my shirt off. I just sit there, spacing out in my own obviously and clearly brilliant thinking habits. What if I put a one up crown on my head? Would I turn into a chick? What is it like to be a chick? As I think of this, Whiskey drags me to my room and slowly lifts me onto the bed. With that done, she grabs a blanket and drapes it over me. She sighs and looks at her handiwork. She can not believe she put all that effort into me. She looks at the clock to see it’s almost eight. She groans and looks at me.
“Hey, I’m going home now, be careful okay?” She asks. I blink out of my stupor and look at her.
“Alright, you have a nice one Whusker,” I say, waving. “I can’t really tell what all’s going on, so I think I’ll take a diddly darn nap now.” With that, I black out.
Whiskey just sighs. She silently promises that next time, I’m on my own. She started to reach for the door, but this door was broken and on the floor. She sighs and walks out as I peacefully slumber. She starts to go to the front, but stops when she sees the kitchen. Her curiosity grows as various questions come to mind. Walking to the kitchen, she notices that there really isn’t much here. She feels like this is some sort of invasion of privacy, but her curiosity convinces her otherwise. Slowly, she walks over to the fridge and opens it. There’s milk, a few eggs, a little cheese, some orange juice, and a pack of hotdogs. She looks in the freezer. Other than some ice packs and ice containers, there’s nothing in it. She looks around the kitchen and sees that the counter has a glass bowl with a couple apples. “Where’s the rest of his food?” Whiskey asks herself. She looks into the trash bin with concern, only to find the plastic wrap for bread. “Does he even feed himself?” She asks. She opens the cabinets to find nothing but plates and bowls. She has a concerned look as she checks the fridge again. She sighs and closes the fridge. She’ll have to talk about the food problem later. For now, she has a kid to take home.
I awake at four in the morning as per fucking usual. I strain to open my eyes, a powerful headache slowly convincing me that death isn’t that bad of an option right now. Dafuq happened last night? I try to take a moment to remember, but I decide against it, knowing it’ll take me a little while. I slowly get up and get dressed. I walk into the bathroom to find a pair of pants, boxers, and a shirt were tossed onto the sink. The pants and boxers have a stench that is not helping my will to live and suffer through today. I groan. I haven’t gotten a washer or dryer yet. Thus, I’ll have to take them to a laundromat later on. I wad them up and finally get a small flashback to last night. I pissed my pants. I almost made the mistake of face palming over my own drunk stupidity. As I continued my routine sluggishly, I remember most of the pieces of lost memory from last night. What struck me odd, was that I called Whiskey pretty. It might have just been the beer talking, but I don’t know why I said that. These kind of thoughts were shoved aside when I step on a bad spot in the living room. It’s not cold, but you could tell it’s there. Shuddering in utter fucking disgust, I back away and turn to go to the bathroom to clean myself.
I cleaned the spot on the floor, and I start to leave when a voice stops me. “Um, Anon? Are you here?” I hear a female voice ask. I walk to the still broken front door to find Whiskey, holding a box. She has an air around her that makes me think she’s mad. Did I piss her off last night?... Scratch that, what did I do to piss her off even more than usual? I walk out, giving a confused look.
“What’d I do?” I ask. She blinks in surprise before yawning.
“Nothing, I’m just not an early bird,” she mumbles. I nod in understanding. Waking up at four in the morning was not easy when I first started. It was fucking hell. Whiskey holds out the box. “I noticed you barely had any food, so I whipped something up for you this morning,” she says. I look at the box inquisitively.
“Alright?” I say, taking the box. She looks up.
“I cooked some bacon and sausage for you. It should still be warm.” She leans towards me. “Go buy some groceries before you starve,” she commands in a dangerous tone. She walks off, leaving me at my doorstep in complete, utter confusion.
“.... Alright,” I say to no one in particular.
I walk to work, feeling a little better after having some meat. I admit, my fridge isn’t stocked up to normal standards, but I kind of forgot about groceries. Sadly, I couldn’t make a sandwich, I didn’t have any bread. I had stopped to get some coffee, which helped a lot. I see the Checkpoint and sigh internally. This will be a long Monday. I can feel it.
I near the my office, and stop as I notice Spearhead and Segway come up. “Anon! I got back on Saturday! Where were you?” He asks. I shrug.
“Visiting a friend at the hospital. Why is Segway here?” I ask. Spearhead laughs.
“See! It’s not me!” Segway says. Spearhead nods.
“Sergui is gonna stay here as a permanent guard. He’ll be at the other side of the wall with another guard while we work,” he explains.
“Oh. How were the in-laws?” I ask. He groans.
“‘You shouldn’t be so chipper, you’re a guard. You shouldn’t let your guard down. You shouldn’t blah buh blah blah,’” he mocks. I snicker. Segway sighs.
“You kidding me? My parents are worse,” he complains. “They keep telling me to find a marefriend.”
“Sorry kiddo, the adults are talking,” I say. Spearhead only shakes his head at me, smirking, while Segway only looks at me with unamusement. I turn to Spearhead. “Alright, don’t die or something.” With that, I walk to my office.
“Don’t worry, he’s like this with most newbies,” I hear Spearhead say. That is mostly true. I only do this shtick to the guards who have a personality.
I walk into my office, and notice that a couple of things are different. There’s a new machine installed under the desk, along with a small black box with an antenna sticking out. I walk over and pick up the box and notice a button on it. Did ponies finally invent walkie-talkies? I press the button. “Seven Eleven, anyone copy?” I ask. I release the button and immediately get a response.
“Ten four CPI, Gold Team Leader One reporting acknowledgement, over,” Spearhead responds. Hells yeah.
“CPI? Over.”
“Checkpoint Passport Inspector, over.”
“Ah... over.”
“Your boss can hear your idiocy, over,” I hear Lucky Runner say.
“Well shit, sorry Miss Small Fry, over,” I respond.
“Can you stop saying over?” I hear Segway say.
“It’s an unwritten rule, over,” I respond.
“STOP SCREWING AROUND!!!” Lucky yells.
“... You didn’t say over, over,” I reply.
“If you respond one more time for a joke, I will do more than simply hurting you.”
“... over,” I say. I hear a sigh before putting down the device. I finally notice a note next to my rulebook. Picking up the note, I read it.
To: Anonymous
As you can tell, we’ve managed to acquire an upgrade to your booth that will boost the positivity entrants will feel. Please give each entrant a gluten-free cupcake.
That absolute bitch.
Furthermore, you will notice that we have acquired another piece of technology. The detain button has proven inefficient in communicating the urgency the guards need to approach the door. Please do not use it for entertainment purposes.
Your boss,
Lucky Runner
I am going to be using the fuck out of it. Noticing it’s almost six, I decide to start the day. I lean towards the mic. “Next!”
The first entrant is a tall hippogriff. She’s mostly purple with magenta accents. She walks up. “I am a representative of Seaquestria,” she says formally. I can’t help but roll my eyes at the name. They say they’re a separate country, but they’re making it hard to believe. “I have hope that the name we have picked for the world is sufficient.” That makes me freeze.
“Name for the world?”
“Yes, the leaders of every country decided that to see if Equestria truly has nothing against other creatures, Equestria has offered to change the name of the world we live on, since Equis is a bit short sighted. I picked Aquas,” she says. I barely pay attention as I check her papers.
“Why? Isn’t the world mostly land?” I ask absentmindedly. She nods.
“Yes, but-“
“Call it Earth,” I interrupt. She blinks.
“What?”
“Call the planet Earth. It’s stupid for a planet that’s mostly dirt to be called water,” I say, squinting to see if she even has authority to be here on her passport. The representative rubs her lower beak as she looks up in thought.
“... That is true,” she admits. As I finish checking her papers, she nods to herself. “Very well, the planet shall be named Earth.”
“Cool. Here’s a gluten free cupcake. Get out,” I say, not entirely caring what she’s talking about as I reach down to the machine. The machine whirs, and a cupcake pops into existence on my hand. I see now, it’s teleportation technology. She grabs the crappy food and nods in gratitude towards me and leaves. I lean towards the mic. “Next!”
Next up, is Derpy. She walks in, smiling. “Oh! Hi Mr Anon!” She says. I smile. “I’ve been wondering where you were, I haven’t seen you in forever,” she exaggerates. I nod, grabbing her papers as she hands them to me. I frown as I see her expiration date. It expired a few days ago.
“... Hey Derpy?” I start.
“Yeah?” She asks.
“Did you forget to renew your passport?” I ask. She gasps.
“Oh no! I’m so sorry Anon!” She apologizes. I sigh, smiling slightly.
“You don’s have to apologize to me Derpy,” I say gently. I give her a green stamp. “Please renew it once you enter,” I request. She smiles widely and flies up to hug me.
“Thank you so much!” She says. I nod. I hand her a cupcake and she trots off happily.
I rest my head on my desk for a minute, knowing I have six more hours until work’s over. I just dealt with a minotaur, who got pissy with me about getting a cupcake. He thought I was trying to belittle him. After a five minute break, I sit up and lean towards the mic. “Next!” The next entrant is a familiar yellow pegasus with a pink mane. Fluttershy. She’s nice. Nice, as in, if I cuss around her, I’ll cut my own tongue off to make sure that doesn’t happen again. She tried to stop everyone from running me out of Ponyville, but no one listened. She even offered some meat, perfectly understanding the dietary needs of carnivorous creatures. She perks up as she notices me.
“Anon! My goodness! Is that you?” She asks, trotting up. I smirk.
“Yep.”
“My friends told me you were fine, but they didn’t want to talk about it for some reason,” she says. She frowns. “Are you doing okay?”
“Yep. Rich as a snob and cursing at various creatures.”
“Oh, you still curse?”
“Not as much, but yeah.”
“Okay, that’s good!” As I look through her papers, she nervously pokes the floor. “Um, Anon? Can I ask a question?”
“Sure.”
“... Are you mad at me?” She asks. I stop and look at her with a deadpan expression.
“Fluttershy, the only way you could make me mad, is transforming into Bi-“ I cut myself off with a cough. “Twilight. I was saying Twilight.”
“Well, I keep thinking back to that day, and I just feel so horrible-“
“It wasn’t your fault. You don’t need to worry about it,” I say. She sighs.
“I know, but I still-“
“Look at me,” I say gently. Fluttershy looks at me in the eyes. “There’s no need to feel bad. I have a better job, a better life, and I’m fine.” Fluttershy stares at me intensely before nodding.
“Alright, but only if you say so,” she says. I smile and give her green stamped papers back. I hand her a cupcake, and she stops at the doorway. “Oh! Um, Spike’s after me,” she quickly says. I frown. Spike. I never really knew him well enough to judge his character. I don’t intend to cuss at him, he’s a kid after all. I guess the best plan of action is indifference. I lean towards the mic.
“Next!” I watch as the purple dragon walks in. He certainly grew a couple inches, and he appears to have gotten wings. He sees me and glares. I simply stare back.
“Why are you here?” He asks. I shrug.
“I dunno, why’re you here?” I ask. He scoffs.
“Like I’d tell you,” he says defiantly.
“... Alright,” I say finally. He hands me his passport. I take it and start looking through.
“I hope you’re miserable,” he says. I shrug.
“Okay,” I say.
“You made Twilight miserable.”
“Okay.”
“You made Twilight’s friends fight.”
“Okay.”
“Can you react with anything other than ‘okay’!?” Spike yells. I look up. He stands his ground. “Celestia got mad at her! Some of her friends got mad at her! I had to watch her get punished for no reason! All because you couldn’t answer a few simple questions!” Spike yells. He breathes heavily, tears streaming down his face.
“... I’m sorry,” I sincerely say. I look back down, trying to focus on his papers.
“No you’re not! You’re not sorry about Twilight’s problem!”
“... You’re right. I’m not sorry about that. I’m sorry about the fact you were dragged into it,” I say. His expression doesn’t change. He merely keeps his focus on me, angry and frustrated. I don’t blame him. I imagine that I’m a big villain to him.
“...” I wordlessly hand him his passport.
“Welcome back to Equestria,” I say in a monotone voice. I don’t bother handing him a cupcake, I doubt he’d take it from me. He walks out, not sparing any glances at me. I sigh and rub my face, deciding a quick break is okay.
About a few hours later, I’ve been managing to make it through today. It’s almost closing time, and I have one more entrant to check. I lean towards the mic. “Next,” I say. Ever since Spike walked in, I wasn’t as enthusiastic to cuss out everyone as usual. I still did it though. The last entrant is a dark purple unicorn. Her horn was broken, and a scar on her right eye was rather noticeable. She nervously walks up, and hands me her papers.
“Hello creature,” she says politely. I take her papers and give a half assed wave. I look at her name to see two different names. Tempest Shadow and Fizzlepop Berrytwist.
“... What the actual fuck?” I ask. She leans away from me in shock, but recomposes herself quickly.
“Excuse me?” She asks.
“Your name. The first one says ‘Tempest Shadow’, which is so edgy I could accidentally cut myself from saying it. Then, we got Fizzlepop Berrytwist, which sounds like a fucking over-exaggerated soda flavor.” I look at her to see her sitting on her haunches while face-hoofing. She sighs.
“... I had made many mistakes in the past,” she states.
“It’s not your fault your parents suck,” I sincerely say. She looks up to glare at me. I reach down to get a horn cone. I pull it up, and she winces at the sight of it. I hand it to her. “Please wear this over your.... what’s left of your horn,” I say. She growls at me, but complies. I get results back quickly. On DNA reports, it shows the names and aliases of the creature involved. Her names match up. I take the cone and put it down below the desk. I stop as I look at the name Tempest Shadow again. “... You know, that name sounds familiar now that I think about it,” I say. She sighs.
“Like I’ve said, I made many mistakes. I finally made up for them in the past few weeks,” Tempest says. I only stare at her for a little longer before shrugging.
“Oh well, here ya go,” I say, handing her green stamped passports. I also hand her a cupcake. She takes it with gratitude and leaves. I sigh as I sit back. The six o’clock whistle blows, and I’m done for the day. I start getting up, but a series of knocks from the entrance door stops me. I quirk an eyebrow. Do I have to deal with some important asshole? “Come in!” I call out. The door opens, and a white griffin with light grey accents walks in. She looks around and spots me. She rushes to me, a desperate expression on her face.
“Please! I need to head in!” She says with hurried tone. I sigh.
“Look, it’s six, and I-“
“I don’t give a damn!” She yells angrily. “My son is in this country, lost and alone. Canterlot was attacked today, and Maple knows that his father was coming to Manehatten to help his brat of a sister before he died!” I only stare at her in silence.
“... Is your name Snowy?” I ask. She stops and her eyes widen.
“How do you know my name?” She asks. I smirk.
“Your husband’s been waiting for over two weeks now,” I say. She narrows her eyes at me.
“If this is some sort of sick joke-“
“Give me your passport so that I can let you through,” I say impatiently. She eyes me for anything suspicious before quickly doing so. I stamp it green. “Alright. Follow me, I’ll lead ya to your husband and son.”
During the time it took to walk to the hospital, we mostly remained silent. She followed me, looking around anxiously. “... So, how did you know Canad?” She asks. I scrunch my face at the nickname.
“Came to my Checkpoint. Very nice guy. He was injured from the attack. You should’ve seen him. Wings were fucked, an eye was fucked, his legs were fucked, and his attitude was about the same,” I say. Snowy looks disturbed.
“Is he really okay?” She asks. I nod.
“Yep. Just needed to go to physical therapy for a little bit. I heard he’s able to walk out of the hospital in less than a week.”
“Less than a week... I just can’t understand why I didn’t get any letters about this,” she says. I sigh.
“That’s funny. Both Bacon and Whiskey said they mailed letters to you,” I comment. Snowy looks at me in surprise.
“Really?” She asks. I nod. I can see her attitude has improved immensely.
We finally arrive at the hospital, walking down the hall to Bacon’s room. I open the door, and Snowy walks in. “Mom!” I hear.
“Snowy!” Two voices yell. I walk in. Maple and Whiskey are sitting on two chairs next to Bacon’s bed. Bacon looks a hell of a lot better now too. He doesn’t have any bandages or bandaids.
“Maple! Honey! I’m so glad you’re okay!” Snowy says. Maple rushes up to hug her, smiling widely and his eyes threaten to spill tears. Snowy looks at her son with pure happiness. Then, remembering why she was so upset a moment ago, she frowns. “You’re so grounded when we get home. You shouldn’t run off like that!” She exclaims. She pulls Maple into another hug. “You scared me so badly, I didn’t know what to do!”
“I-I know...” Maple admits. Bacon’s smile is wide, happy to see his wife. I watch on with a faint smile. Whiskey gets up and walks over to me.
“Thank you Anon,” she says, smiling. I look down at her with a puzzled look.
“For what?” I ask. She smirks.
“For this,” she answers, gesturing to the group hug between Bacon, Maple, and Snowy. Snowy’s crying, weeks of stress catching up to her all at once. I nod, watching the scene.
“Eh, least I can do,” I shrug off. Whiskey keeps her smile, and looks at me.
“Tell you what, I’ll take you out to dinner tonight. You need something other than eggs and cheese,” she says. I stop and look at her with a raised eyebrow. Did she look through my fridge? Actually, you know what, fuck it, I’ll roll with it. I’m too tired to make a deal out of it.
“Dinner huh? Where to?” I ask. She looks up in thought.
“... You ever been to McDonalds?” She offers. Gee. I wonder what McDonalds is.
“McDonalds? Is it a hamburger place?” I ask. She nods.
“Yep. It was started up by changelings recently,” she says.
“... No thanks,” I finally say. I’m not even going to think about that. Whiskey sighs.
“... Burger Queen?” She offers with hope in her voice. I perk up.
“Sure,” I say. Whiskey looks at me inquisitively, but apparently decides to ask me about something later.
“Hey Anon!” I hear Bacon call. I look over to see the trio of griffons looking at me with a smile. “Thank you so much for this, how can I repay you?” He asks. I shake my head.
“Nah, you’re good dude,” I say. He sighs, shaking his head.
“Fine, I’ll surprise you,” He says. I roll my eyes, smirking.
“Seriously, you’re good,” I say. Whiskey rolls her eyes and starts pushing me out before the battle of politeness took place.
“I’m taking him away before you two make us too late to get food,” she says, pushing me out. Snowy and Maple giggle while Bacon rolls his eyes, smiling.