//------------------------------// // Chapter 1: Spike Arrives, and Rainbow's Plan // Story: Spike's Substitutes // by deadpansnarker //------------------------------// As Spike began his inevitable descent to the ground upon arriving just outside Princess Ember's personal quarters (the most airy, spacious cave in the desolate Dragon Lands, naturally) he couldn't help but dwell on how he came into this situation in the first place. The fact that he was a minor celebrity in these parts after winning the famous Gauntlet Of Fire competition had helped smooth over the formalities of his impromptu visit, but a great deal of credit still had to go to Smoulder, whose contacts and powers of persuasion had been an invaluable asset. So it was as the much heavier-built sentries bowed and stepped aside to allow him to enter the confines of the giant cavern that a flashback began unfurling in his head, involving the aforementioned young orange dragoness herself and an 'accidental' after-lesson meeting which had taken place just the previous day. .............................................. "I can't believe I'm going to flunk math! Again." Smoulder announced with a sigh to two of her classmates at the conclusion of school, as she aggressively threw her stationary inside her schoolbag. "If I fail one more test, my family'll kick me out... forever! I'll have to stay with my brother during the holidays, and his place stinks like rotten garbage!" "Hang on a minute... since when have dragonkind been so hung up on calculus?!" A much calmer Sandbar replied, scratching the back of his head in puzzlement. "I thought all your relatives cared about is who was the toughest, most fiercest, had the biggest collection of rare gemstones..." "Yona sorry that dragon friend sad right now..." Despite their initial differences upon meeting earlier that year, it could be said that the optimistic yak and Smoulder were now firm buddies. "...But Yona also happy because she think she do well on exam! Late night cramming sessions really pay off!" "No wonder you kept nodding off today. Geez, what a racket!" Smoulder shook her head in annoyance at the bovine's habit of obtrusive snoring, before turning back to Sandbar. "They don't, generally. But dragons have such a competitive streak that even in something as 'pointless' as advanced mathematics, if we don't cover ourselves in glory, we get the boot. Literally, and figuratively too." It was just as Smoulder began feeling sorry for herself, with her two chums similarly bowing their heads in solidarity with her plight, that Spike happened by with a steaming hot cup of coffee to interrupt their mutual brooding. He politely waited a few seconds to see if their small pity party would break up of it's own accord, but eventually this seemed unlikely, so he decided to take matters into his own claws. "A-hem!" Spike's sudden throat clearance had the desired effect of rousing his young charges (although, truth be told, he wasn't much older than them himself) from their respective stupors, and they turned to face him with glazed expressions. Each student must've thought he was about to prescribe some extra homework or another such 'wonderful' surprise, so he moved quickly to quash such dire notions. "It's only me, your short-term educator! Don't worry, none of you are in any trouble. I just need to have a little word with Smoulder here about something important." Spike tried to sound as cordial as possible, whilst still carrying the air of someone on a position of authority. His previous experience as a stand-in Princess would surely assist him there, minus all the petty demands of course. Visibly breathing a sigh of relief, Sandbar and Yona quickly made good their 'escape', whilst affording Smoulder up supportive pats on the back on their way out of the door. The dragoness acknowledged them with a rueful smile, before mentally preparing herself for what was sure to be told just what a failure she was at all things sum-related. "S-So Smoulder, how are ya doin'?" Spike decided to start things off with a bit of small talk, as he casually sidled over to his fellow reptile. "Are things okay in the Dragon Lands these days? Do you need anything? How are the other creatures treating you?" "Huh?" Smoulder raised a confused eyebrow at this juncture, quite unsure how to respond to all this unexpected chit-chat. "Spike, are you okay? Because all this enquiring about my health and general well-being is certainly not dragon-like, if that's what you're aiming for..." "N-No, that's not it at all!" Spike began panicking a little at Smoulder calling his bluff, and to distract him from the increasingly tense exchange, took a sip of his very black coffee. "Yuck! How does Twilight drink it like this? She told me it 'keeps you awake'... well, I'm not surprised! You'd spend the rest of the night washing the awful taste out of your mouth!" "...Alrighty then. Well, if there's nothing else on the agenda, I think I'll make myself scarce." Smoulder had no idea why Spike was acting like a bit of a loon. Maybe too much time spent around ponies, and unlike The Molt, this kind of craziness wasn't something she could help him with at all. "Wait! Wait." Spike sidestepped slightly to block her exit, all whilst sighing with regret at his own lack of forwardness. "Look, I apologise. I was just beating around the bush until I could pluck up the courage to ask you my request, but I'm done with that now. Listen, I need a really big favour..." "I thought something screwy was goin' on. Usually, you're a bit weird, but the last few minutes have been wacky even by your high standards." Smoulder pondered to herself briefly, before a long grin creased up her scaly face. "Hang on, you want a 'big favour' from me? You know what this means, don't you?" "E-Er, that you'll do it from the goodness of your heart?" A desperate Spike wondered aloud somewhat optimistically. "Pfft!! Since when have you ever known any dragon, besides yourself, to display such an unspecies-like display of altru... eltru... hmm, now how does that word go again?" Smoulder tried to recall the term she wanted to use, but seeing as it was so rarely demonstrated in her kind, she quickly gave up. "Anyway, what you should know is whenever a dragon wants a 'big favour' from another dragon, it's the done thing that the one doing the good turn is allowed to request a little something of their own in return. Of equal, or larger value in fact. Usually the latter." Uh oh. Maybe I shouldn't have built up how much this would mean to me. Oh well, too late to back out now. "S-So Smoulder, what exactly did you have in mind? A free drink? Tour of the castle? N-Not my limited edition holographic glow-in-the-dark comic book collection, surely!" Spike nervously laughed at the suddenly eager to converse dragoness, as she rubbed her claws together with glee. "Maybe, maybe not. You're the one that came begging to me, remember? First, tell me what it is you want. Then, I'm sure we can come to some kind of mutual arrangement." Smoulder confidently predicted, thinking that perhaps her chances of passing the test had just shot up exponentially. .......................................... Being a moral sort of dragon ( a rare breed indeed), there was no way Spike was going to adhere to Smoulder's first suggestion which was to flat-out cheat, so he did the next best thing. He agreed to extend the deadline for her paper until the day after his return, and the evening beforehand he'd try to go over each one of the questions with her so she'd get a 'better understanding'. A private tuition, basically. Just what I need. After a long journey back home, I have to spend the entire night reciting the ten times table to an underachieving student. What a treat. The sarcasm in Spike's head was almost palpable as he made his way into the Princess Ember's throne room, which was just about the most unfurnished royal chamber he'd ever been in. The only exception was a giant lava bath in the corner, obviously intended for personal use, and the huge chair right at the end, haphazardly carved from the biggest boulder they could find. Dwarfed upon it sat a bored-looking Ember surrounded by various flunkies vying for her attention. She didn't seem inclined to give it to any of them though, in fact her slit eyes appeared to scan around for something else entirely... and as Spike's anticipated arrival was announced by the burly dragon at the entrance, it was evident that she'd finally found it. "Spike! Good to see you again! With wings, finally! I'm so proud!" Without warning, Ember knocked down the fawning sycophants milling around her like skittles, as she flew over to greet her friend with open arms. Well, not quite, as she hadn't got used to that whole 'hugging' craze yet. "So, how are your flying lessons going? What are those 'puny' ponies up to? Is Thorax getting better at being a leader these days? If his subjects are ever giving him trouble again, you just say the word and I'll give him another great pep talk. Or roast them into marshmallows, if he likes..." "Whoa! Slow down there Ember, one thing at a time!" Spike chuckled at the Dragon Lord's ebullient demeanour, recognising it must be tough to be surrounded, for the most part, by a bunch of monosyllabic drakes who just wanted free stuff every day. "It's great to be here, and thank you so much for agreeing to let me stay! Just to be clear though, did Smoulder tell you the reason behind me wanting to come over for a short vacation?" "Hmm, maybe?" Something to do with 'getting in touch with your dragonic roots'?" Ember shrugged her shoulders dismissively. "I'm not quite sure what you mean by that... but if you're referring to non-stop fighting, endless bickering and never having a moment to yourself ever again, I suppose you've hit the jackpot. Congrats, I guess?" Realising Ember was channeling her own recent experiences as Dragon Lord rather than the ones he hoped to have for the next week, Spike attempted to change the subject. "U-Um, so anyway, where will I be staying? After all, it's been a long flight here and before I get stuck in to my planned routine I'd like to relax and freshen up, if that's alright with you." "Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't bring that up so soon." Ember grimaced slightly at the question, as she prepared to explain what was going on to her guest. "Naturally, I put you in the second best room in the entire palace. It had everything: a nice, hard rock bed... your own volcanic jacuzzi like mine... a wonderful panoramic view of the empty wilderness outside..." "Sounds uh, great." A sheepish Spike didn't wish to be rude by communicating his real feelings, but let it be said he regretted that his favourite soft pillow couldn't fit in the luggage more with every passing second. "So, what's the problem then?" "The 'problem' is, the minute my back is turned, some trespassing dragon took it upon himself to grab your room for himself!" Ember growled loudly in frustration, causing the throng of reptiles still cloistered by her throne to mercifully shut up in fear. "Just when I'd got the temperature right, too... one hundred and fifty celsius! I was about to deal with the intruder a moment ago by throwing him and his things out, but then this bunch of boneheads turned up, and you arrived, then... ugh! Why does everything always happen at once?! This wasn't in the brochure when I signed up for this gig." "Y-Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. If anyone can relate to your current predicament, it's me." Spike shook his head in sympathy with the newly installed Dragon Lord, referencing all the countless escapades he'd been involved with his friends which'd usually snowballed from something as simple as a lost fork. "Tell you what, I may not be the most intimidating dragon around, but I like to think my negotiation skills rank up there with the best. If you'd just direct me to the room in question and tell me who this dragon is, I'm sure we can come to some kind of arrangement that won't end in an argument or anyone being burnt to a crisp." "Oh, would you? It would be such a great help! Those selfish idiots over there won't leave until they've got their pound of flesh, and it'll probably take all day just to make them all happy. Such are the responsibilities of being the one in charge, I suppose." Ember seemed, for a few solitary moments, to almost be having second thoughts about her recent life choices, but she soon snapped out of it. "A-Anyway, your room is second on the left there, just past the half-finished statue which was supposed to resemble yours truly. I swear, I'm not paying anything to have that monstrosity finished! As for the identity of the nefarious interloper, it's someone I think you know quite well. I believe you might have sighted him and his friends on your way here, if you took the centre-most route? Are they still playing that 'amusing' game to discover which one can damage their brain the most? They did offer to let me join in, but I politely refused. I still enjoy being capable of independent thought, funnily enough..." Ember carried on talking, making allusions to how she was determined to live up to her father's 'glorious' legacy, the places to find the best eruption spots nearby and how gosh darn cute Spike's new wings happened to be, but the distracted drake wasn't really listening. For you see, upon hearing the clues Ember had freely distributed regarding who'd taken up residence in his temporary accommodation, it didn't exactly take a genius like Sunburst to figure out who it was. And Spike, like on so many occasions in the past, began to bitterly regret putting his name forward so readily to deal with the pressing issue. Garble... ........................... Meanwhile, much further away in the clouds just above Ponyville, a very restless Rainbow Dash tossed and turned in her sleep. For a change though, her rapid twitching wasn't caused by visions involving her rather overzealous parents moving in permanently or Scootaloo deciding that the Wonderbolts were 'lame' and it was time to follow a new daredevil troupe (yeah, like that would ever happen) but something else entirely. "Twilight... egghead... lists... books... missing Owlicious..." The dream was so vivid and palpable she could even be heard murmuring out loud, so much so that the earthbound passers-by looked at each other with bafflement and poor Tank cowered in his shell, wondering if perhaps his mistress had gone mad through cider overdose. Just as the trauma-inducing sequence of events in her head reached a horrifying climax (of a ghoulish spectre in the likeness of the Princess of Friendship hanging over a terrified Rainbow to whisper repeatedly in her ear it was 'time to re-alphabetise the encyclopaedias') the anxious pegasus was finally roused from her brief repose, sweaty sheets and all. "T-Thank Celestia that was all just a terrible nightmare! W-Where's Luna when you need her?!" Rainbow experienced a few blessed moments of peace... before a quick glance at her mounted wall calendar told her otherwise. "Oh no! It wasn't just a dream! It's actually going to happen! Why didn't I just say 'no', or that I was washing my mane tomorrow instead?! I'm the bravest pony I've ever met, but I can't even refuse an unhealthy request from a friend?" Rainbow facehoofed, upon spotting the 'Twilight's Helper' entry for the following day, along with many exclamation points. "Sometimes, I think my unstinting loyalty might be a curse in disguise, in cases like this where I'm bound to suffer..." Knowing that, despite the fact it was hours until sunrise, her chances of dropping off again were slim to none, Rainbow rose from under her soaked duvet to sit at a nearby table deep in thought. An overhanging shelf proudly stacked her entire Daring-Do collection, and the pegasus gazed at the brave adventurer on the cover in annoyance as if being spoken to through the written page. "It's alright for you." Rainbow complained, like some incredible psychic connection had been formed. "You only have to risk poison darts, ancient gods and the wily Dr Caballeron to save the day. I have to put up with Twilight's non-stop nerdiness and undiagnosed OCD until tomorrow evening, and still keep my sanity intact. I know which one of us has the better deal. If only there was some way I could make it go easier, something I might do to help her, and not lose my mind in the process. Perhaps... wait! I think I have it! Thank you, A K Yearling!" It was at that precise moment an incredible plan formed in Rainbow's head... well, at least she thought so. She must have been enthusiastic about it anyway, as for the first time in who-knows-how-long she grabbed some paper from a nearby drawer and began scribbling down not-entirely legible words at the rate of about five a second... ...All without being coaxed or threatened. Unbelievable.