Spike woke to a strange sensation spreading all over his body. He opened his eyes slowly, his vision blurry. The place he found himself was dark, too dark to see more than a few feet in front of him. He tried to turn his head around, but found that something was binding him. It felt cool, and damp. He found under further inspection that the same slimy rope was wrapped all over his torso, suspending him from the floor that he could not see below him.
His eyes slowly adjusted to the black curtain surrounding him. He saw before himself, no more than ten feet away, a giant gaping maw, with rows and rows of massive teeth. The creature had no eyes. It made no sounds. Spike began to panic. He knew that surely that he was going to be eaten. He tried desperately to escape, but the effort was in vain. He gave up struggling. The horrible monster hadn’t so much as moved. The mouth hung open, not moving, not doing anything.
Spike started blowing out small green balls of flame, trying to get a better view of his surroundings, and the identity of his captor. His fire bathed the cavern, as he now knew he was in, in bright green light. The monster was huge, easily the size of three Ursa Minors. It stood high off the ground, sort of like a tree, with tentacles spreading out from its base, sort of mimicking the roots of a large plant. Spike instantly regretted what he had done, and decided it would probably be better if he didn’t have to look at his captor, just have it end him silently and without the horrible image of its thousands of teeth closing around him.
He tried desperately to remember how he had got into the situation, but couldn’t remember anything earlier than waking up in the strange place he now found himself. He then thought of something else… Why wasn’t he dead yet?
The monster had still not moved a single muscle. The tentacles wrapped around his body hadn’t moved a muscle.
“…W-what do you want f-from me?” He was crying at the hopelessness of the situation. The monster remained motionless for another moment. Suddenly, and without warning, its giant maw closed shut, but didn’t move any close to Spike. Spike screamed in desperation.
Even worse yet, it opened its mouth once more and began to speak.
“I want something very important from you. Something that nothing has given me for a long time. Something that I have been starved from me for millennia.” Its voice was horribly low, and rumbled through the deep cavern. It’s leathery lips curled up into a twisted smile, displaying its teeth in all their splendor. It gave out a laugh that would send a manticore running for the hills.
Spike shook in his wretched prison, “WHAT IS IT?” He was scared beyond his wits. He just wanted it to be over already. The binds holding him shifted, pulling him closer to the horrible monster. Spike took solace in knowing that it was about to be over.
Inching closer to the horrible mouth, he closed his eyes, preparing for the absolute worst.
He felt leathery, slimy lips touch him, pressing against his entire body. The tentacles applied more pressure on him, pushing him into the soft surface. Then something strange happened. The lips made a strange pucker sound, sucking in air around him, then retreated back, pulling away from his body. It made a loud smuck sound.
The giant horrible creature… just kissed him.
He slowly opened one eye. He hadn’t noticed until now how feminine the lips had appeared. They were smiling hopefully, as if waiting for him to say or do something.
The monster’s lips creaked into a frown. It’s huge head started to wilt, hanging like the bud of a flower that was in bad need of water. It let out a deep exhale sound. It sounded somewhat like a giant sigh.
The tentacles started lowering Spike to the ground, setting it on the hard rock floor far below him.
“…What’s going on?” Spike questioned the monster, who had turned its head to face away from him, hanging low.
“I should have known nothing would love me. It’s hard being a giant tentacle monster, you know? Nobody wants to stop and chat with you. And you can pretty much forget about finding a date. You know, I even tried internet dating once. I invited a guy over for dinner one time. When he saw me, he screamed, and tried to brain himself on one of the stalagmites. You’re free to go, I know when I’m not loved.”
Spike was utterly shocked and confused, “Now wait a minute. I know it’s hard, but you seem like… such a nice monster. If there was one thing I’ve learned in the past year or so, it’s that everpony needs to have friends. How would you like it if I prepared us some oatmeal?”
The monster turned to face its mouth at Spike, “You really mean that?”
“Of course, I’ve been told I’m a pretty good cook.”
“That would be great, what is your name?”
“Spike, Spike the Dragon.”
“Thanks Spike, My name is Audrey. Audrey II.”
“HONEY, I’M HOME!!!” Spike walked into the entrance of the cave, holding his suitcase that he always brought with him to work. Audrey was waiting inside, and greeted him with a long embrace with one of her tentacles. This particular tentacle had a large gold band wrapped around it. It matched a band that Spike was wearing on his left ring claw.
“Welcome home honey, how was your day?” Audrey picked him up in her tentacles for a huge kiss that covered Spike in slobber.
“Exhausting, I’m just glad to be home. If you will excuse me, I have a letter I need to write. Then I’ll whip us up some dinner, alright honey?”
“Sure thing, my little pastry.”
Spike sat down at his home work desk. From a drawer he produced a piece of parchment and a freshly inked quill. He began to write his letter:
Dear Princess Celestia,
Thanks so much for the housewarming present. The coffee table looks beautiful in the main foyer of the cave. I can’t tell you how rewarding it is to be married to such a beautiful creature. She makes me happier than anypony I’ve ever met. Thanks for everything, make sure to tell Twilight hi, I really want to hear how she is doing at the sanitarium.
Your loyal subject,
SPIKE.
He breathed fire onto the letter, sending all the way to Canterlot. He walked over to his bed, and lay down on the soft matress. Audrey turned off the new chandelier that Fluttershy had gotten them for their wedding party, and Spike fell into a contempt slumber.
He woke again, in a cold sweat, in his bed in Twilight Sparkle’s room. The sudden commotion of his abrupt awakening had stirred Twilight.
“What’s wrong Spike?” She turned on the bedside lamp and was staring at him over the edge of the bed.
“I just had the weirdest dream. There was a giant tentacle monster, and it had huge teeth, and it was holding me captive in its cave. There was something about you in it, and Celestia gave me a coffee table!”
“Oh dear, that sounds like a horrible nightmare…”
“Are you kidding?! It was the best dream I’ve had in a while!” Spike jumped down into his bed, trying as hard as he could to fall back asleep. Twilight just rolled her eyes, and turned off the bedside lamp.