These times of silence where no blood is shed,
These days where one need not fight for thy life,
Should be treasured, indulged, and yearn for.
For when the hour to draw thy blades come,
Only yonder in thy daydream will it return for certain.
- The Last Shrinemaiden, Act 2, Wordsmith
Buddy and his puns were insufferable.
If there was an opportunity for him to drop a ‘crowdkiller’, or even if it was just one person present, he would, without hesitation, take the chance to ruin everything.
And yet that was the only bad thing that Argonia could say about him right now.
When she arrived in Equestria a few years ago after being convinced by Haymaker to flee her home, the mare expected to earn her keep, to find a job and pay rent or food so that she’d be able to stay in the Whinnychester mansion.
Argonia couldn’t leave everything to Haymaker despite his promise to do everything in his power to convince Buddy to let her live in the mansion.
Even if they couldn’t get his permission, there were always other places to choose from.
Although he was more than capable to sustain both of them with his salary as one of Buddy’s agents, one that was highly prized for his sheer ability to intimidate others into keeping away from his clients with a look, the mare didn’t want to take advantage of his kindness.
During that fateful day, when she was introduced by Haymaker to Buddy, Argonia was ready to offer every bit of knowledge she had in return for board, lodging, and protection.
But instead of haggling on the terms of her stay, the former knight, upon being asked if she could stay, merely gave Haymaker a casual ‘Sure.’ and told him to prepare one of the rooms for her to occupy.
There was no mention of payment, not even an off-hand comment on if she could help in minor tasks like cleaning or cooking.
When Argonia asked him if there was anything she could do in return, Buddy asked her in kind on what she can do.
“I-I can brew a lot of potions!” she answered, specifically pointing out that she had the knowledge and skill to make rare and complicated concoctions that were not easily-accessible in Equestria, maybe ones that weren’t known in the region yet.
She argued that if she was given a few weeks to grow and replenish her stock of her native herbs to sustainable levels, she would be able to gain a good profit from selling the potions made from them.
Argonia believed that with the profits. and the fact that the Rays of the Sun would have an in-house supplier of potent potions in case of serious injury, disease, or curses, she would be able to prove that she had some worth to them.
But once again, instead of discussing the terms on how they would split the profits, Buddy instructed Haymaker to guide her to the White Tail Woods so that she could peruse his old atelier there which had a complete set of potion-making instruments and an unused garden where she could plant her herbs.
From there, things only went for better.
She was able to continue her craft, learn new potions that were common in Equestria but not in her homeland, and she was even given a shop in the town proper to sell her wares and earn a steady amount of bits.
It was all thanks to Buddy that she didn’t need to sell any of her beloved jewelry or heirlooms, all of which had a lot of sentimental value to her because most of them were passed down to her from her mother, who in turn inherited them from her own mother, and so on.
And yet, every time Argonia offered some, and other times: all, of her profits to Buddy, the unicorn always declined.
At first, the mare was slighted, thinking that the other thought little of how much she was able to earn in such a small amount of time. But when she did offer him all of her earnings, more than 700 bits in total, Buddy still refused to take it.
Either he thought that such an amount was still too small in his mind or he was just that stupid not to take it without any explanation.
When she asked Haymaker about this, the earth pony merely answered that that was how he was.
“Buddy is the sort to lend a hoof to anypony who needs it while never expecting anything in return, if you deserve it. The inverse, however… He’ll never believe that there’s anypony out there who will willingly help him without wanting anything in return,” he explained.
“Well that’s dumb!” she exclaimed, perplexed at how jaded the other’s view on the world was.
While Argonia didn’t ask him or Haymaker as to why he felt that way, the mare decided that it was time to slowly ease Buddy into discovering that the world wasn’t as unkind to him as he believed it to be.
When Haymaker returned from a one-off contract from Manehattan, Argonia went to Buddy’s office the and dropped a chest of golden bits in front of him and told him specifically that it was all of her profits for the last month.
Before Buddy could once again decline her, Argonia cut him off and told him that this was an advanced payment as she was going to hire Haymaker for a longterm contract as her bodyguard.
“Surely you won’t deny a client, right?” she asked with a stern tone.
Just when she thought that she could get away with him to accept her money via proxy so that she can help him with the costs of his business, even though she had no idea how much the Rays of the Sun was earning, Argonia was told, in a sincere and somewhat defeated tone, by Buddy that he doesn’t charge ponies that truly need his help.
Although she was initially flattered, something told her that this was just a ploy of the unicorn to make her withdraw her gift, and thus she was forced to draw her treasured jeweled dagger from under her cloak and ‘threatened’ him with it.
“Okay, look here, bucko, I’ve had it with that self-pity show and hero complex that you’ve been doing. You will TAKE my money and you will assign Haymaker to me so that he and I can work our flanks off to get you to stop being a mopey little bastard cooped up in this room and enjoy being a pony living in a mansion and swimming in money, you hear?!” she threatened all the while Buddy held up his forelimbs and pressing against the back of his chair with a cringe to stay away from her dagger.
“Okay! Fine! I see your point!”
Fast forward to the present and Argonia wished that she had actually stabbed Buddy in the face.
The mare had chased Buddy through the mansion with the same dagger after being given a number of unwarranted puns about cleaning, stopping only when they agreed to check up on Tender Heart who seemed to have suffered a possible slippage of sanity with the creepy laughing and evil banter that he was doing in his office.
When they quietly opened the door and peeked through the gap, they saw a massacre.
Brooms were everywhere, sweeping mounds of dust and dirt that had accumulated through the years that Buddy left the room untouched; the rugs were being beaten with mops and scrubbed with brushes outside the windows, puffing out thick clouds of dust and revealing the finer details and colors underneath; and each and every single book had its cover wiped clean personally by the cadet who was laughing maniacally as he proceeded with his task.
Buddy and Argonia then carefully closed the door and stepped away from the office as quietly as they could, fearing that if they disturbed the young unicorn from his… ‘Hobby’, Tender Heart would probably ‘take out’ the trash.
Permanently.
After their discovery of how ‘eager’ Tender Heart was to cleanliness, Buddy and Argonia parted ways, the former deciding to go out for a walk, commenting that there are other areas in the house where he can mope around in and be all mysterious.
Argonia on the other hand chose to head back to the kitchen to clean up the teapot and cups that they had used, blinking when she saw La Keyes, a cream and red pegasus, placing a number of letters on the slot where Buddy’s name was written on a gold plate on the vintage oak cabinet that looked more at home behind a hotel reception’s desk.
If she remembered correctly, La Keyes was one of the founding members of the Rays of the Sun and was responsible for the day-to-day operations of the organization including its finances and management as its vice president.
Instead of helping Buddy at the mansion, not like he was doing much other than be in his office and look like a stereotypical villain near the fireplace, the vice president usually stayed in Manehattan where the Rays of the Sun’s satellite office was located.
In fact, the Manehattan office was practically the ‘main office’ with how close it was to its target demographic, the rich and powerful. Mostly the first one though.
Even then, Argonia found it weird that someone so high up in the organization would go out of his way to deliver Buddy’s letters personally when he could just send the letters via the postal services.
“Staring at me like that is bad, Ms. Free, I’d hate to get on Haymaker’s bad side,” said La Keyes, his posh accent being thick as ever.
“W-WE’RE NOT A COUPLE!” whined Argonia, blushing heavily as she hid behind her hooves.
“Uhuh, and Buddy isn’t blind,” replied La Keyes before turning around to finally face the mare that had been observing at him for a while now. “I heard Buddy finally got an apprentice. It’s a bit unusual since he’s turned down a lot of candidates from more… ‘Desirable’ backgrounds, especially ones that came to him after the Canterlot debacle.”
Huffing and forcing herself to calm down a little, Argonia cleared her throat and straightened herself up before approaching the pegasus so that they won’t have to raise their voices to hear each other well.
“Maybe that’s the thing,” said Argonia “Perhaps it only took an orphan like him to get through his cold exterior and accept the colt as his student.”
La Keyes was about to say something but stopped when a loud noise from above occurred, causing both him and Argonia to look up as they heard loud sounds of furnitures being dragged around upstairs.
“THOUGHT YOU CAN HIDE FROM ME, DID YOU? I’LL RID YOUR KIND OFF THE FACE OF THE LAND IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO!” shouted Tender Heart from above, his voice a bit muffled but was distinct enough to know it was him.
“… Don’t ask,” sighed Argonia as she facehoofed herself.
“Uhuh. Well, considering how much progress this place has been experiencing, it’d be best if you stay on your guard from now on,” said La Keyes before walking towards the front door.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Argonia, frowning as she readied to draw her dagger with her magic.
The pegasus stopped and turned back to her with a neutral expression. “That colt up there? I don’t think he’s some random pony,” he said, pointing upwards with his left wing.
“Tender Heart? That’s ridiculous, he’s done nothing but be a sweetheart and clean-”
“Just like how he allowed a refugee from the western lands who just happens to be a potionmaster to live here without rent or obligations?” asked La Keyes with a raised brow. “Look, Ms. Free, Buddy may look like an idiot, and act like one too, yes, but he’s a brilliant idiot. I may not know who exactly is the unicorn that he took in but I’m sure he didn’t take him in just because they share a common background. In fact, how did a random pony even manage to get a letter of introduction from a GENERAL to get here? Either said unicorn is just that lucky or Buddy himself asked the general to send him here.”
Argonia didn’t like what La Keyes was insinuating but there were some grounds to what he was saying.
But Haymaker couldn’t have snitched out on her, as she had already willingly revealed her true status and abilities to Buddy when she arrived.
Sure, he might have found some use for her skills as a potionmaster but not once did he ever ask for a free handout and most, if not all, of the potions she supplied for the usage of the Rays of the Sun were always reimbursed.
No, Argonia was sure that La Keyes was just over-thinking.
“Buddy attracts all sorts of ponies, both good and bad,” said La Keyes when she didn’t respond, grinning a little to himself at the word ‘bad’ before spreading his wings as if to hint that he was talking about himself. “His only saving grace is that he has a thing for making them like him, but that doesn’t mean they all feel the same to one another. So we go out of our way to make sure that, well, we don’t get too confrontational with each other,” he chuckled.
Argonia stopped for a moment as she processed this information. Perhaps that was the reason why there were little to no pony living in this mansion? She’d never really heard of Haymaker talk about the other agents that much. Then again, Haymaker didn’t really talk that much to begin with.
Without waiting for her reply, La Keyes went towards the front door and opened it, stopping half way as he looked up at the sky. “Hrm… I don’t like the look of those clouds, best be on my way before I get caught in the rain, or something. Heed my words, Argonia, something is about to happen,” he muttered before spreading his wings and flying away off to the distance.
Curious, Argonia stepped outside to take a look at the sky as well, noticing that the area around the mansion had gotten rather dim due to a blanket of clouds rolling through the sky above the mansion proper. Although the town of Hooverheim was still clear of them, the mare believed that it won’t be like that for long.
Sighing, the mare turned back and closed the door with her magic, thinking that it would rain hard later so it was probably best if she made sure to close all the windows around the mansion preemptively, blinking when she saw Buddy go back up the stairs.
She was about to call out to him but then noticed something strange.
There wasn’t any noise from above anymore.
“Who are ye and what are ye doin’ 'ere?” asked the pegasus knight, pressing his feather blade things more against my neck as if thinking that doing so would make me answer him when I’m too worried of slicing myself if I so much as breathed or spoke.
Thankfully, my attacker lifted the pressure slightly from my neck so that I could respond.
Emphasis on ‘slightly’.
“T-Tender Heart, my name is Tender Heart, and I’m Buddy’s apprentice.” I croaked, wincing as the pain of landing on a rather insufficient amount of hay from two stories high finally caught up to me.
I winced again however when the pegasus pressed his feather blades hard against my neck again.
"Yeah, no, I don't think so, Buddy doesn't take apprentices ya see. So what are ya, really? Zebra in disguise? Con-artist...? Changelin’?"
“Will it even matter? You pushed your freaky feathers against my neck anyway when I answered so why should I even say anything?” I asked as I adjusted my vision to look around.
Above us were five unicorns clad in armors that were similar to the one that was pinning me to the ground, hovering in place as they flapped their batwings idly while watching me get interrogated by someone who doesn’t have batwings like them.
Pretty sure that was against the regulations.
Whoever this pegasus was, even if he was Captain of the Moon Guard or whatever you call it, he should also have the bat wings like his subordinates. It was just a minor illusion spell that was automatically cast by their armor to make them look the part since that was reportedly what Luna wanted her royal guards to look like so it’s not like he couldn’t do the same with bat wings.
Or could he?
“Me patience is wearin’ thin, nitwit, ye’d better start takin’ this seriously or else-”
“TENDER HEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAART!” shouted Buddy whose head was poking through the windows “WING BIND! PUSH! KICK HIS FLANK!”
“What the?! HEY! BUDDY! I’M ON YER SIDE!” shouted back the pegasus, turning his head towards where Buddy was.
Without asking for more instructions from Buddy, I immediately mustered up the strength to conjure a band of green light around the knight’s wings, compressing them to free my neck from the threat of being sliced off, before moving my hind legs so that they were right below the knight’s underbelly and kicking him off me as hard as I could, causing him to be thrown a few feet away with a grunt as I scrambled to my hooves.
But before he could hit the ground, I used my magic so that the band around his wings expanded to cover his entire body, giving me full control of him in a telekinetic hold.
Gritting my teeth, I focused as harshly swung my head to the left, causing the knight to be violently thrown in the same direction, crashing through the wall.
It was an action that I immediately regretted.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! WHY DID I DO THAT?!” I shrieked as I placed my hooves on the sides of my head, cursing myself for not realizing how much of a bad idea that was.
“Captain!”
“You little-!” said one of the knights as he and three others tried to lunge at me from above, leaving one hovering in the sky as if trying to keep her distance, but changed course when purple beams of light shot at them in quick succession.
On the front door was Argonia, her horn glowing brightly as she fired more shots at the pegasi who did their best to avoid them.
And she looked really miffed.
“THE NEXT ONE WHO LAYS A HOOF ON THE COLT WILL GET THEIR FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE ON WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE SWISS CHEESE!” she screamed angrily as Buddy brought himself down to the ground using his own magic and went to my side.
“You alright?” he asked.
“I did that…” I whispered, biting my lip afterwards.
“It was self-defense, you don’t have to worry about-”
“No! I’ll have to clean THAT UP!” I clarified, pointing at the hole in the wall with all of the bricks and plaster and debris that fell inside of the mansion because I impulsively decided to throw the knight on the wall instead of the gate.
“THE COURTYARD TOO! AND YOUR OFFICE! EVERYTHING’S A MESS! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A NICE CLEANING DAY AND ALL OF YOU RUINED IT!” I screamed hysterically.
I snapped out of it however when Buddy lightly hit me upside the head and gave a disappointed sigh.
“Magic, Tender Heart, you have magic.”
“Oh. Right. Forgot about that…” I said, shrinking away slightly in embarrassment as Buddy shook his head and turned to the others.
“Alright, ceasefire, ponies! Let’s not make ourselves look even stupider,” commanded Buddy, causing Argonia to stop shooting at the other knights, allowing them to land.
Her horn was still glowing, however, so if they tried to attack me again, I’m sure she’d start shooting once again.
“All of you, rank formation, now!” he shouted to the knights on the ground who stiffened up and immediately scrambled to stand side by side in front of him, ignoring the one that was still in the air and didn’t get into formation like the others.
Was she deaf?
While this happened, the pegasus with the freaky feather wings stepped out of the hole in the mansion, grumbling angrily as he dusted himself off with his wings which now acted like normal feathers now.
“When I said you’re free to drop by anytime you want, I didn’t mean ‘try out a surgical strike’ too,” huffed Buddy towards the captain who merely chuckled though I could hear and feel the irritation coming from him.
I mean, who wouldn’t be if they had a colt slam them through a wall with their magic?
“Gotta play it safe, can’t have it end up like it did to Shinin’,” replied the pegasus to Buddy before turning his head to the one pegasus in the sky and gesturing for her to land.
When she did, she stood by the captain’s side instead of joining the formation.
What is she? A new recruit?
“Ha, I’m not as important as Shining,” sighed Buddy.
“Eh, still a pal, if any of us did our job better we could’ve had Chrysalis jailed up the moment she appeared. So… This yer apprentice? Really?” asked the captain, turning to me again, his eyes still filled with suspicion.
Argonia, who was still standing near the front door, charged up her magic, causing her horn to glow brighter, emphasizing that she wouldn’t think twice about firing at them again if they tried to harm me.
Buddy sighed at the scene before him, shaking his head at Argonia who then finally disengaged her magic but still kept a close watch at us.
Once he was sure that Argonia wasn’t going to fire a magical projectile, my mentor finally turned back to me and the pegasus.
“Boon, meet Tender Heart. Tender Heart, meet Boon… Also known as Alcohol Poisoning,” responded Buddy, not even bothering to answer Boon’s question.
“Hey, that’s CAPTAIN Alcohol Poisoning to ya, Buddy!” chuckled Boon, poking at Buddy’s chest with his wing feather which was thankfully soft and fluffy during that moment or else he would have stabbed him a number of times now.
Huh, so he IS a captain…
“Captain of the Luna Guard! The very first one to be called as such too!” added the pegasus before standing straight and flaring his wings to show himself off. “And these here idiots are MY idiots, the Roughnecks! Air Raid and Air Strike, they’re twins,” said Boon as he pointed at two certain guards that were in formation before continuing to the others.
It’s not like we could differentiate them from one another with how similar everyone looked with their required coat color, bat wings, and armor.
“Then there’s Sidewinder, Windshear and uh… Well…” the captain stopped and looked at the remaining pegasus beside him that he hasn’t named yet.
Whoever this was, she was going to get her flanked kicked for not getting into formation immediately, I just knew it.
If she was part of the Luna Guard, then she should have had enough training and experience to land her current position.
But then again, this was the first time that I’ve ever heard of there being a Luna Guard, or Luna’s royal guard or whatever you wanted to call it so maybe they’re just filling up the ranks with ponies of various backgrounds or experience for now and adjust it as they go.
Still, I’m wondering why she wasn’t trying to fit in with the other members of the unit.
“Is that with a K or no?” inquired Buddy to Boon.
Oops, I was so distracted by my own thoughts that I didn’t get to hear Boon say her name.
“B-both I guess????” asked Boon in kind.
“You don’t know if her name is spelled Night Vision or Knight Vision with a ‘K’?”
“Don’t sweat the details! Yer nickname was Raincloud back in basic because you make everything depressing, sheesh!”
Looking at Night Vision, or Knight Vision, I was able to get a closer look on her features.
Apart from the Luna Guard uniform that she wore, her wings were also feathered like Boon’s, though I’m not really sure if she had the ability to turn them into freaky feather blades like the captain's.
I mean… I sure hope not…
One pony with freaky feather blades was already a life-or-death situation for me and I don’t know how well I can fare against two.
“And what’s with the wings? I thought every Luna Guard has to put on the bat wing aesthetic?” inquired Buddy, to which Boon answered that him being in his ‘all-natural’ state was one of his demands to Princess Celestia before he agreed to take up the post.
“These wings,” Boon answered, spreading them proudly and making them flutter, “Are the product of me not getting killed by an old. Annoying. GILDED ARMOR-CLAD. INSUFFERABLE CRONE. And I'll be damned if I can't have them in their natural state as proof of me survivin' her 'training'”
It might have just been my imagination but whenever Boon listed a description of somepony, Buddy winced more and more as his ears began to lower.
I think he even took a step back when the captain finally got to the ‘insufferable crone’ part.
What’s worse, Buddy and Boon didn’t move nor say a word for a few seconds with the latter darting his eyes from side to side as though expecting somepony to suddenly attack him.
“… Okay, before we get killed by golden thunderbolts, can I just ask what are you even doing here?” asked Buddy after a while, sounding like he wanted to get this over with so that he won’t get in trouble.
“Oh, well, two reasons really,” grinned Boon before whistling to the four Luna Guards in formation, causing them to salute and fly off in a flash only to return not a few seconds later carrying large barrels or casks with them and taking them inside the mansion after Argonia stepped to the side to let them in, still wary of their actions.
“You got me beer?” asked a confused Buddy, lowering his aviator shades a little to see if his vision was playing tricks on him.
“And wine, mead, and ale! A full month’s salary’s worth of alcohol just for ya to drown yer sorrows,” Boon proudly said before putting a hoof over Buddy’s shoulder and hugging him close as the Luna Guards brought in a second set barrels from somewhere, their faces straining from how heavy they were.
“Are you trying to kill me by attracting ghosts to my mansion?” grumbled Buddy though he seemed to have welcomed the contact between him and Boon.
“Wha? Ghost? How the heck am I gunna kill ya with ghosts? A dead liver probably, but-”
“Because look at all the booze.”
I didn't even have to guess, Captain Boon and I were absolutely furious at Buddy for that pun.
It didn’t matter if the former tried to cut my throat earlier with his freaky feathers. When Buddy drops a mean pun like that, especially when he wasn’t even hiding that triumphant grin of his in knowing that he killed two birds in his blast range, all I see is an evil that needs to be sealed.
Argonia was lucky to be far enough not to hear anything, but based on the disgusted look on her face, she probably had a good idea on what just had happened.
It didn’t help that she receded back inside the mansion, most definitely in an attempt to make sure that she won’t get hit by a follow-up pun.
While I was absolutely thankful to my mentor for giving me an opportunity to prove myself, and for saving me from his slashy-happy friend by breaking up the encounter, I could only take so much puns for one day.
Turning away from Buddy and Boon, I approached one of Boon’s knights and offered to help them with their delivery so that I can get away from both freaky feather dude and the punisher.