It’s Sunday. Yesterday was okay. I paid Canadian Bacon another visit. Whiskey and Maple were there too. It was nice to see Maple talk to his father. I kinda wish my father was like that, and not the asshole he was. Anyway, so today, I’m supposed to give the yaks a tour around Manehatten. First, I was to meet them at the train station. I have to show them the park, get them to a gift shop, get them to a restaurant, and then I can tell them to fuck off politely. After that, Luna will contact me and we’ll go to a bar. I’ll take her to Whiskey’s, Whiskey will probably have the best reaction to that.
The streets of Manehatten are lively, many ponies rushing to get where they’re going and arguing about who bumped into who. One thing I’ve learned about Manehatten, is that the ponies here don’t give a fuck. Like, if Tirek appeared again, the least they’ll do is curse at him for making them late. They don’t care about princesses or monsters and shit like that. They’re basically people from New York City. Hell, when I showed up, they didn’t even bat an eyelash when I pass by. For them, it was just another day at Manehatten. They were much more accepting than Ponyville. Anyway, I sit at a bench in the train station for Manehatten. Manehatten’s train station’s like Canterlot’s station, but with a grey and dark grey color scheme. I tap with my foot, impatience written on my face. The train should have been here an hour ago. What could possibly keep them held up? I finally hear the faint whistle of the train. Moments later, the train slowly stops at the station. The doors open, and four yaks step out. Two of them are brown, and one is grey. One of them is the guy that keeps going to my Checkpoint. I keep forgetting his name. I think it’s like Mayarn or something. Anyway, the yaks spot me and trot over with smiles.
“Human! It is so nice to see you again!” Mayarn exclaims.
“Mayarn, is this truly amusing creature you speak of? It does not look like yak standards!” A yak yells. God please help me.
“Anon!?” A high pitched voice exclaims. I SAID HELP ME NOT CONDEMN ME TO DAMNATION!!! I fearfully look behind the yaks to see Pinkie. She’s wearing a fluffy hat. Keep in mind, I don’t like Pinkie. Not because of her personality. I don’t like her because I’ve asked her not to fire the fucking cannon at my fucking face. She has yet to listen to me. “Hiya Anon! It’s been forever since-“
“Alright guys, so where to first? The park? Great!” I quickly say, using the powers of nope to get the fuck out of here before the pink menace could get her weapon of doom.
“Wait! Equestrian ambassador needs to come with us!” Mayarn says. I stop.
“Ambassador?”
“Anon! Are you our tour guide?” Pinkie asks. God, why have you forsaken me?
I guide everyone, leading a pack of yaks with Pinkie bouncing next to me.
“We’re gonna have so much fun!” Pinkie says. I keep a nervous eye on her. She doesn’t seem to notice.
“Right... fun...” I say. Pinkie looks up at me.
“Are you okay? You look like you’re ready to make a run for the hills!” She says with a giggle. Hells yeah I am. I shrug, trying to show that I’m relaxed. On the inside, I’m scared. I realize she means no harm, but I hate that party cannon she has. Once, it went off and it broke my ribs. That was the day the ponies realized I couldn’t handle as much physical damage as them. I was much easier to kill than they thought. Anyway, Mayarn appears between us.
“Human! Tell yaks about your day!” He says. I sigh. Time for diplomacy.
“Welp, I fucking woke up! Then, I looked to see my mail, and it was fucking junk mail!” I yell. Pinkie flinches every time I curse. The passerby Manehatten ponies don’t even look up as I scream and yell. The yaks all gasp.
“Only junk!? Shame on foolish ponies! Human is better than needing junk!”
“So, I threw that shit away and visited my friend Bacon in the hospital, and he’s feeling fan-fucking-tastic!” All the yaks smile.
“Good! Yak don’t know who Bacon is, but yak can tell he’s a good friend to human!” One yak yells. Pinkie only watches on with curiosity as the yaks and I converse.
“Oh! Yak wants to know what ponies are like in Manehatten!” Another yak yells. I nod.
“The ponies here just don’t give a fuck!” I yell. As I yell, a passerby overhears and smirks. Never even slowing down, he gives a reply as he passes by.
“Damn straight,” He says. All the yaks laugh heartily. Pinkie snickers.
We all arrive at the park. The park is huge, about a mile wide and a mile and a half long. There are various trees scattered around, along with ponds and bushes. There’s a path that goes all around the park, allowing ponies to admire the scenery or go on a nice long job.I choose to make a good impression. “Man! Look at how fucking majestic this place looks!” I yell. The yaks look around, nodding in approval. Pinkie giggles.
“This place is great! We can get some carrotdogs when we’re hungry, and there are lots of ducks!”
“Careful, the ducks fucking bite your ass if they get the chance!” I point out. Pinkie giggles. The yaks disperse a little, walking on the path the park has. I start to follow, but Pinkie stops me.
“Hey Anon?” I freeze, a flash of fear going through my mind.
“Yeah?”
“... Applejack told me about what you said...”
“... Yeah? And?” I turn to see Pinkie’s mane is deflated.
“I’m sorry,” she says. I stare at her for a moment. I sigh. “I didn’t mean to scare you before, let alone hurt you.”
“... Thank you,” I say sincerely, walking towards her. Her ears perk up a little. I pat her head, though I did so hesitantly. “I’m not gonna lie, I’m still a little scared of you, but please don’t fire the cannon at me again,” I request. Pinkie smiles weakly, her mane starting to inflate.
“Can I ask a question?” She asks. I nod. “Why are you always sad?” The question catches me off guard.
“... I’m not sad Pinkie. Just frustrated,” I admit.
“But why?” I shrug.
“It could be anything. Maybe I’m frustrated that I was ripped away from Earth. Maybe I’m frustrated with some past issues I haven’t gotten over. Hell, maybe I’m just lonely,” I say. Pinkie hugs me, wrapping her hooves above my waist. I sigh and pat her head.
“Can I be your friend?” She asks. I nod.
“Sure... That means you’ll pay for the donuts I’ll get at your shop right?” I ask. She giggles, letting go.
“Nope,” she replies cheerfully, her mane back to maximum poof. I smirk.
“I figured as much,” I say.
We brought the yaks to a gift shop, and left with them wearing ‘I <3 Manehatten’ flags. The shirts couldn’t fit. We took them to a restaurant, and had a good feast. I was lucky enough that the restaurant finally started serving meat eaters recently. I paid for the food, and decided I should check my bank account later.
I wave them off as they enter the train to Canterlot. Pinkie turns to me and gives a quick hug before boarding the train. The doors shut, and the loud yaks all voice their goodbyes as they leave for Canterlot. I sigh once the train is out of sight. Not even a second later, a pop sounds beside me. “Hi Luna,” I say, not even looking her way.
“Greetings Anon, I-“
“HIM!?!?” Another voice yells. I groan. No she fucking didn’t. I look over to see Twilight Star Spangle.
“Yep. It’s ya boy,” I say half assedly. I’m just too tired to sound mad. “Hey, Luna, why is she here?” I ask.
“No, why are you here?” Twilight asks. I roll my eyes.
“Twilight, the adults are talking.”
“I’m twenty eight!” She says. I smirk.
“Ha! I’m a year older than you,” I say smugly.
“Silence! Both of you!” Luna commands. We both shut up, but Twilight keeps giving me the stink eye. “We hath taken it upon ourself to take Twilight and thou out to drink as allies. Maybe, we’d be able to get an agreement from both of you to forgive each other.” I shrug. Twilight has a look of slight panic.
“Wait, drinking? As in a bar? I can’t drink! I’m a princess-“
“That needs to, as Anon says, ‘Stop having a stick up thou’s ass,’” Luna says. I give Luna a lazy thumbs up as Twilight gapes. Twilight turns to me, fuming.
“You need to stop teaching bad habits!” She says. I shrug.
“Yeah, I kinda do need to stop,” I admit. I honestly didn’t expect Luna to pick up my phrases. I asked her about it once, and she said my phrases were just catchy.
“Silence! It is time to make haste! Take us to the best bar thou knows!” Luna demands. I shrug and start walking. Welp, I hope Whiskey’s okay with unexpected company.
Whiskey sighs, cleaning up a glass. She left Maple with his dad at the hospital. She only wishes there were more interesting creatures than the ones in her bar. Today though, those that come by are here to start gossiping about this and that. Honestly, Whiskey couldn’t give two shits about the rumors. They paid and they drank. She is a little sad Anon couldn’t have much free time today, especially since he’s being visited by a princess apparently. It was the talk of the bar, about the lunar princess hanging out with the hairless ape known as a human. Many of them rumored that the human was a consort, which rustled Whiskey’s feathers. Suddenly, someone calls to Whiskey.
“Hey Whiskey! You ever meet the so called human?” A pony asks. Whiskey snaps out of her thoughts.
“What?”
“The human? Ever seen him?” Whiskey clears her throat.
“Oh, yeah, he’s a friend.” The answer got a rouse from the creatures sitting near her, creating a crowd.
“Really?! What’s he like?!”
“I heard he’s awful!”
“I heard he slapped a king!”
“I hear that he cusses everyone out!” The barrage of questions only start to slowly piss Whiskey off. Finally, they all stare at Whiskey when one creature asks a question.
“What do you think of him?” Whiskey blinks in surprise at the question before coughing into a claw.
“He’s okay. He barely cares about being polite though. He helped my nephew get to his father from another country, so... yeah,” she mutters. Everyone gasps.
“Another country?” A female voice asks.
“Well, more like across the border. He uh, fed him and let him stay at his place-“
“For free!?” A voice asks from the crowd. Whiskey growls, the mass of attention rubbing her the wrong way.
“Look, he helped, alright?! Get the buck off my back, or no more beer for any of you!” She threatens. Everyone backs down immediately, but not before a female bat pony puts in her input.
“Sounds like a keeper to me,” she comments with a snicker. Whiskey groans before slamming her head onto the counter. Then, my obnoxious voice fills the room as the doors slam open.
“Alright Whiskey! Bring out the big guns! I ain’t payin’ for shit!” I yell.
I walk into the room, and I see Whiskey with her head on the counter, in front of a crowd of creatures. They all look at me and have a similar reaction all together. Excitement. I look around the room. There are various tables scattered across the room, all wooden with four chairs each. Behind the counter is a door, which is able to be pushed open. A nice, simple bar. “Oi! It’s that human!” A pony from the crowd yells. Luna walks in behind me. “Oh! Your highness!” All the creatures how in respect. I can see Whiskey's feathers slowly ruffle.
“Indeed, though art correct, he’s the human of Equestria,” she stops to look around the room. “But for tonight, he is mine drinking companion! Barkeep! We require thy's strongest alcohol!” Luna exclaims. All the creatures finally look up to look at her in amazement. Then, everyone cheers as she sits on a chair next to the counter. Anyone who drinks alcohol is okay in an alcoholic's book. Whiskey finally looks up slowly with wide eyes. She looks at me in disbelief. I wave to her.
“Yeah, I kinda invited the princess to come with me. Bitchface is also here.” Twilight finally walks in, looking peeved at the fact that she’s here, or she heard my nickname for her.
“I can’t believe I got dragged into this,” she mutters. I scoff as we walk to sit on chairs next to Luna..
“Me neither. How did Luna convince you?”
“She said that since I wouldn’t leave her alone about y-“ she cuts herself off by coughing. “... a certain issue, then we should spend some time with a friend to try and talk about it. Then, she teleported with my response,” Twilight explains, sitting next to Luna. I sit on the other side.
“Ah, that explains why you’re here.”
“Anon, can I talk to you. In private,” Whiskey demands. I shrug and get up to follow her. She takes me to a room connected to the other side of the counter. There are a few creatures who seem to be chefs, a few stoves, a microwave, stacks of plates, and many assortments of food. Whiskey stops and turns to me. “What in Tartarus are you thinking!?” She yells. All the chefs stop to look at her with confusion. “You brought Princess Luna and Twilight Sparkle to my bar! Anon, this isn’t a fancy restaurant, this is a bar!” she yells. All the chefs panic and start cooking everything faster at the mention of a princess. “Oh Celestia, my bar’s gonna close down! I don’t have any fancy food! I’m gonna accidentally piss her off! I’m-“
“Way too fucking worried,” I stop her.
“Too worried!?” She asks in bewilderment.
“Yes, you are. Luna doesn’t want food or fancy drinks. She just wants the good ol’ liquor,” I explain. Whiskey keeps breathing heavily, seriously panicked. All the chefs sigh and go back to working normally. Whiskey sighs in resignation, dragging a claw down her face.
"... Alright, promise me she won't close my bar," Whiskey orders. I roll my eyes.
"Why do you think she'd close your bar?" I ask.
"She closed many bars around Canterlot. No one knows why," she says. I quirk an eyebrow.
"Alright, I'll ask her about it. In the mean time, don't treat her like a princess," I say, turning to leave. Whiskey yanks my arm to drag me back to her.
"No! She is a princess! She-"
"Came to a bar in Manehatten to act like a princess?" I finish. Whiskey blinks.
"... Right, um, well-" I clamp her beak shut.
"Look, you'll be fine. I promise," I say. I let go of her beak and walk out. I walk back to my seat, sitting next to Luna. “Hey Moonbutt, why did you close down some bars in Canterlot?” I ask. She sighs.
“It ‘twas not me who closed them. That would be the work of a...” Luna trails off, seemingly to literally look for an appropriate word. “What does thou call naive ponies with an annoying want of attention from a pony they so desired?” Luna asks. I quirk an eyebrow.
“Creepy as fuck stalker?” I offer. She nods.
“Yes! A creepy as fuck stalker!” Luna exclaims. Twilight sighs, face hoofing.
“What did we establish not five minutes ago!” She complains.
“Hey, I acknowledge that I create problems. I just don’t fix them most of the time,” I reply. Whiskey opens the door from the other side of the counter. She walks up to us, and leans on the counter.
“So, does everyone know what they want?” She asks.
“Water for me,” Twilight groans. Luna scoffs.
“I would like five shots of whiskey!” She says boldly. Whiskey turns to me with an unamused look.
“Let me guess, you’ll take ten?” She asks. I bark a laugh.
“Hell no, I ain’t getting alcohol poisoning for a stupid contest. Give me a can of beer,” I say. Whiskey laughs and walks to get our orders. Luna turns to me, a cocky smile on her face.
“Anon, does thou acknowledge thy’s incapability to drink more than us?” She asks. I nod.
“Yep. I do. I’m not a heavy drinker,” I deadpan. She rolls her eyes.
“Anon, we art here today to talk about the past week! Tell us! How was thou’s?” She asks. Twilight looks like she’s trying not to pay attention. I sigh. This is gonna be a long talk.
After talking for a good few minutes, I was about to start talking about Wednesday when Whiskey finally pops back in with a tray of our orders. Five shots, a beer can, and a glass of water. “Sorry, there was a little accident with the beer. Some idiot punctured the first can I was bringing.” She says. I shrug as she hands me a beer. She then take the glasses and lines them up for Luna. Luna promptly downs one. No flinch. Damn. Twilight’s impressed too. As Whiskey turns to leave, Luna stops her.
“Whiskey, correct?” Luna asks. The griffon nervously turns to the lunar princess.
“Yes?” She asks, putting on a brave face. Luna smiles.
“We thank thee for thy’s drinks!” She says. Whiskey nods with a small smile before trying to leave. “Why not come join us as we talk?” Luna asks. Whiskey stops, stiff as a board. She nods and turns to walk back to us. She returns to the other side of the counter in front of us, pulling up a stool. Luna turns to me. “Continue,” she says. I shrug and continued where I left off.
“So, Wednesday wasn’t too special at first. Then I saw Shining Armor-“ I was cut off by a hoof slamming on the table.
“You didn’t detain him did you!” Twilight yells. Luna, Whiskey and I give her a ‘What the fuck?’ look.
“Cool your shit Twinkie Glitter,” I chastise. “I didn’t detain him.”
“O-oh...”
“.... I did deny him though.” Twilight sighs.
“Why?” She asks.
“Because he was angry.”
“With you, I’m sure there was a reason he was angry,” Twilight replies. Whiskey narrowed her eyes at the purple princess.
“Well, he wrote a formal complaint. He got a response that chastised him for saying that I’m a problem for him,” I say. Whiskey grins behind a claw while Twilight groans. Luna laughs.
“Verily, we remember that letter. Celly told us about it afterwards. It truly was humorous,” she says. She turns to Twilight. “No offense.”
“None taken,” Twilight responds unconvincingly. I continue my story.
“So, I deny him because of the fact that he was angry due to the law Cadence made. He was even angrier then. I can’t think of anything else that happened on that day, other than being kidnapped by Cadence, paying for my train ride to a place that was close to home, finding a runaway kid-“
“Wait, runaway kid?” Twilight asks. Luna nods as I point of thumb to Whiskey.
“Yeah, I found Whiskey’s nephew on my train ride home. The little guy was alone, so I took him with me to get him to his dad.” I turn to Luna. “By the way, Bacon’s doing fine. I heard he’d be able to leave the hospital in a week.” Luna nods with a smile.
“Yeah, I was so glad to see Maple was fine,” Whiskey says with a smile as she looked at me. Twilight looks at me in surprise. I shrug.
“It’s the least I could do for one of the few creatures who’ve asked me how my day was at work,” I say. Twilight looks at her glass of water in thought. I continue my story as Luna takes another shot of alcohol.
After a whole bunch of talking, Luna is down to one shot. Now, it’s her turn to talk about her week. Twilight had ordered another glass of water, as well as a bowl of fries for all of us. Whiskey came back just in time for Luna to talk. She wasn’t too drunk, thus she’s able to talk. “Well, I admit, the week has been very rough. Did anypony know that the neighboring countries think we’re racist now?” Luna asks with a slight giggle. Whiskey and Twilight give a look of shock. I just shrug. Ponies, ironically enough, are much more likely to be racist than other creatures. What’s sad, is that they don’t intend to be racist, they just kinda are. Though, I thought the other countries would think of this way before now.
“Why!? We’re not racist!” Twilight exclaims. Guess I’ll break the news to her.
“Hey, remember the Hearth’s warming tale?” I ask. Twilight rolls her eyes.
“That was long ago-“
“Hey, remember the changelings before the invasion?” I ask. Twilight sighs.
“Alright, we might have known about their problem, but-“
“Hey, remember that paranoid asshole who closed your school,” I say, taking a sip of beer. I sure do have a lot of beer. I look to see my can’s not even halfway empty. Whiskey’s trying not to laugh as Twilight’s fuming. I perk up as another example came to me. “Hey, remember my good pal Zecora-”
“We learned!” Twilight interjects. I raise an eyebrow with an unconvinced look.
“Yes, because you guys clearly made friends with changelings after you learned you could make friends with a zebra,” I say. Twilight’s ears blew out steam while I take a nonchalant sip of beer. Luna and Whiskey finally start laughing.
“We admit, the ponies are a bit more rude than other races in terms of race,” Luna admits. Twilight sighs in defeat before taking a chip from the bowl.
“Anyway, we hath been to various day courts to assist our sister, and we learned that there was a, as Anon puts it, ‘creepy as fuck stalker’,” Luna says. Whiskey quirks an eyebrow at me while Twilight groans.
“What made him creepy?” Whiskey asks. Luna scoffs and downs a shot to prepare herself.
“He is a health inspector. He has followed me to every bar I would go to and inspects it. He would nitpick everything and declare it unfit for a princess. The review would close down the bar. I hope he is damned to Tartarus,” Luna spats. Whiskey’s eyes go wide.
“So, he’s the one who closes down bars!” She exclaims. Luna looks at Whiskey with a puzzled expression.
“Why art thou surprised?” Luna asks. Whiskey looks sheepish.
“W-well, I thought you closed down bars when they disappoint you,” she says. Luna gasps.
“We are so sorry! We did not intend to strike fear into your heart!” Luna says, putting a hoof on Whiskey’s shoulder. Whiskey giggles.
“It’s fine, Anon managed to stop me from having a heart attack,” she jokes. Twilight looks at me with an unamused expression.
“You know medical cpr?” She asks. I shrug.
“I just calmed her down,” I say. Twilight sighs. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a bat pony walk up.
“Hey stud, wanna-“
“Sorry, I’m not a stud. I’m a guy who doesn’t give a fuck,” I reply, taking a sip of beer as I get flashbacks to when various creatures gave me an invite to go to a strip club. The mare looks at me in shock before walking away.
“That was rude,” Twilight says before taking a sip of water. I give her a deadpan expression as I casually eat a chip. I notice that the chip bowl is almost empty.
“You wanted me to politely say I didn’t want to have sex?” I ask. Twilight spits out her water, coughing. I smirk at the reaction before taking a sip of beer while Luna laughs. Whiskey sighs. Suddenly, the doors burst open. A unicorn stallion walks in, adorning a prim and proper suit and monocle. His mane is black, his coat is grey, and his attitude screams ‘I’m up my own ass’. He walks in and Luna looks over before groaning. She tries to take a shot of whiskey, but there aren’t any left. Twilight gasps silently.
“Let me guess, creepy as fuck stalker?” I ask. Luna nods. Damn the land of coincidences. I turn to her. “Don’t you have a princess power to arrest him for harassment?” I asks. She shakes her head.
“He technically does not interact with us much. He hath kept his distance, but we notice he tends to stare at us,” Luna explains. I look at the supposed stalker and see he’s, in fact, staring at Luna. He notices me staring, and turns to me, glaring. I look at Whiskey.
“Wow, he’s an edgy yandere,” I say. Luna laughs while the other two give me an inquisitive look.
“Verily, he doth seem like it,” Luna agrees. I look at the dude again to find him walking up to us. I look at Whiskey.
“Welp, prepare for trouble,” I say. She sighs and the stallion reaches us.
“Madam, do you have a permit to sell the alcohol this establishment possesses?” He asks. Before Whiskey talks, I cut in to piss him off.
“Do you have jurisdiction in Manehatten?” I ask. He looks at me in unamusement.
“Quiet ape,” He says. I look at him and boop his nose with a stupid laugh.
“Silly sack of shit, I’m a human,” I respond condescendingly. Twilight rolls her eyes at me and looks at the unicorn.
“Do you have jurisdiction in Manehatten?” She asks. The stallion scoffs as Whiskey glares daggers into him.
“No, but my family does. I’d watch my tone,” He smugly says. I look over and resist the urge to grab his horn. Instead, I opt to go back to drinking my beer. Maybe I can smash his face with my fist later.
“Yes. We have the permits,” Whiskey says impatiently.
“Shall I inspect the establishment to see if you are up to code?” He asks. Twilight scoffs.
“You can’t. You don’t have the jurisdiction,” she says. “If you try to, I can call the police to arrest you for harassment towards a legal establishment.” The unicorn glares at Twilight. Luna finally speaks up.
“I can issue a restraining order upon you if you do not walk away,” she says. I smirk. The stallion gasps.
“Princess Luna! I am merely trying to make sure the bars are up to snuff for you!” He genuinely says. He growls at the griffon. “I am upholding a duty I have vowed to accomplish,” he says. Great. A self appointed narcissistic asshole. One of the worst kinds. “I may not be able to be loved by Luna, but I will make sure this filthy grime you call an establishment will no longer exist to tarnish the mane of my beloved princess!” He declares. I look around to notice many different creatures glaring at him all around the bar. Lesson one, never threaten to take an alcoholic’s drink away. Lesson two, if you take it away, you’re fucked. You’re just fucked.
“Oh really?” A minotaur says in the back. He gets up, walking up to tower over the unicorn. “Do you believe that?”
“Yes,” the idiot of a fucking snob says. I look at my beer can out of random curiosity to see that it’s actually fifteen percent alcohol. Shit. That’s like, three times the beer from back on Earth. No wonder I’m getting a little tipsy earlier than usual. Also, why does this can have so much beer? It’s now fuller than last time. I look back up to see a crowd had gathered around the now scared unicorn. “I-I am a r-respected a-and-“
“None of us give a shite,” a Scottish Minotaur says. How the fuck did I not notice the- oh right, beer. I’m not exactly a heavy drinker after all. I regain focus as I see a minotaur drop kick the unicorn out of the door of the bar. I vaguely hear Luna say something. I slowly put my head down. Suddenly, a flashback to about two weeks ago jolts me awake from my stupor. I reach into my pocket and get out... fuck it, I ain’t counting how many bits I have. I lay the bag of bits in front of Whiskey on the counter. She looks at me inquisitively.
“I fuckin lost to one beer. I don’t know why I even bothered to think of whiskey,” I mumble Whiskey smirks.
“You do realize you had ten cans of beer, right?” She asks. My eyes slowly widen.
“Dafuq?” I ask stupidly. Whiskey points down with an amused reaction. I look down to see a pile of crushed beer cans. No fucking wonder I’m drunk. No wonder it felt like there was unending beer. I guess Whiskey was giving me can after can. All thoughts go blank as I look at Whiskey. In my apparent drunken state, I tend to be very weird. Very fucking weird. Like Bonzai weird, but everyone’s name isn’t John, it’s Joe. Anyway, I feel my mind barely holding onto reality. Like I said, I’m a lightweight. Fuck being a heavy weight if it means being a dick like my dad. “You know, my dad sucked,” I say randomly. The ponies and griffon near me look at me in confusion. “He told me that I was such a freeloader, never doing work. I bring in some cash from retail, he spends it on scotch, and then I tell him he’s a fucking idiot.”
“... Anon, are you drunk?” Whiskey asks worriedly.
“Nope. I’m just very tipsy. The British people are retarded, calling French fries chips. Like, dude, either way, it’s a potato that’s cut into a certain shape and fried!” I say. Luna looks at Twilight.
“Is he always like this?” She asks. Twilight shrugs. Whiskey sighs.
“I think he’s drunk enough that he just talks for no reason, I’ve seen it plenty of times,” she says.
“Well, when you multiply the Illuminati, you get forty two,” I respond brilliantly. Whiskey face palms. “When I see rainbows, I think of crying children.”
“Of course you do,” Twilight retorts.
“Shush Bitchface, the emperor is wearing his clothes. Think I should wear the same thing?” I ask. I admit, I have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about. I just let my mouth run as I look around lazily. “I think I’d look good in a speedo and crocs,” I continue.
Whiskey sighs as she watches me in my drunken state. She looks at Luna and Twilight for help. Luna smiles sadly. “I am sorry, but I have to leave soon, the night draws near, and our moon has need of rising.” With that, Luna pops out of the bar with a spell. Whiskey rolls her eyes and starts to ask Twilight for help, but stops when she remembers how Twilight and I don’t see eye to eye. Twilight noticed Whiskey started looking at her, and sighs.
“I can’t take him, he’s going to convince me to throw him off a cliff,” Twilight says, smiling a little. While she doesn’t particularly like me, she can still admit that I’m rather comical. Whiskey groans and face palms. She’ll have to take care of me until I’m sober. She can’t leave Maple alone at the hospital for too long, but she has to make sure I’m okay.
“You know what? Where does Anon live?” She asks. I hear the question and look up.
“I live near the Park,” I say. Whiskey tilts her head.
“Why are you able to answer that? I thought-“
“They called corn maize at one point,” I mutter before blacking out. Whiskey sighs.
“Alright everyone! I’m about to leave, so finish up your drinks!” She yells. She hopes I won’t be too much of a problem getting home.