“It’s a right sight to see you out her today with us Anon. I hope you enjoy our festivities.” Applejack beamed proudly. It wasn’t everyday the apple family had a reunion so after the invite from the proud apple mare herself Anon decided it would be nice to be outside with the fresh air…
Not really, he was there for the food. Always for the food. He made sure Pinkie kept him up to date on parties with food so he could always save his cash for import things like porn.
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world Applesnack.”
“Pardon?”
“I mean look a bat!!!”
Applejack whipped around to find Lacking Clarity hanging upside down from an apple tree. The nocturne, having been caught eating a pilfered apple, hissed and hid in the tree. In the shadow of said tree napped a familiar guard. Luna had assigned both of them to start accompanying Anon. Realizing she couldn’t revive him all the time she gave Shadow Shield a bag of enchanted orbs to assist Anon in his resurrections.
Time went on as Anon mingled with the various Apple clan.
There was a pie eating contest. Anon won.
A fritter eating contest. Also Anon.
A hard cider-athon. Big mac won this time, but only because Anon couldn’t well enough out drink a horse. His liver just wasn’t what it used to be.
After receiving a wink and a nod Anon even disappeared in the barn for a bit with cousin Bobbing for Apples, though there was much bobbing it was not for apples. Anon walked proudly out of the barn first with the mare lingering at the entrance way licking her lips. “Call me.”
All in all it was a fairly good even until it came time for the hoedown. Granny Smith stayed on the stage with the record player on while she rocked in her rocker. The pale pony lingering nearby.
Clarity joined Anon near the dance floor with Shield in tow.
“Now Clarity you remember that song I wanted you to sing.” Anon Asked mischeviously. Though Anon Himself couldn’t sing, he knew a plethora of songs from earth that he was taking the time to teach to Clarity. To his pleasant discovery bat ponies where really good at singing, something to do with echolocation and throat control. After taking a moment anon wondered if he had found some talent in the barn as well, but that would be for a different reason.
“SURE ANON!”
In a voice vastly different from her regular shouting Clarity let loose.
“WEEEEEELLLLL we’re all gonna die someday lord,
we’re all gonna die somedaaay,
momma’s on pills, daddys over the hill,
but we’re all gonna die someday.”
The sound of cousin fritter on her fiddle filled the air as a right hoedown began. Stallions and mares dancing to the tune that was full of cheer. If not with a bit morbid lyrics.
All but one mare, Granny Smith, still on stage. Went to sleep for the last time…
Anon was wrapped up in the revelry dancing with everypony else. Until he noticed something. Apple family dance moves involved a lot of bucking, and Anon knew what those hooves could do to him.
PANIC.
Realizing he is in the center of the mass of writhing hooves, that could only be described as applegeddon, Anon looked deep within himself.
“I can do this, I can do this. Its just like tag. Just don’t let the hooves of doom touch you.” Eyes narrowed, Anon lept into action. Dodging hooves left and right, fearing for his life. Reds and yellow coats everywhere, a dazzling spectacle of color that would be disorientating for some.
But not anon, years of video games taught him do adjust. So close to the edge anon sees a flash of light from above but ignores it. He slides underneath Big Mac, getting a big mac across the face as he is finally free of the maelstrom of ponies.
POW.
And on that day, Anon’s balls swelled three sizes larger, mostly from the bruising. He had failed to see Applebloom and had slid out on his knees. Junk fully exposed for the juvenile genital crusher.
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”
Clarity gasped. “ANON!!! LANGUAGE!”
Shield, seemingly appearing from nowhere, handed Anon a bottle of apple whiskey. “Here Anon, For the pain. I know those apple mares can be scary.” Shooting a look into the crowd Shield saw Bobbing For Apples as she gave him a saucy wink. He would never be the same. He had saw things. Felt them too. Felt those two apples when he tried to get alittle too frisky with one he assumed was a mare giving the blowjob of his life.
“Well hey at least no one died.” Said Anon, offending the universe.
“Good thing too. Clarity kicked my saddlebag and sent one of those orbs flying over the crowd.”
“Meh, ALLL right Y’all.” Granny Smith announced. “This here family reunion has finally concluded.”
Anon died that night from alcohol poisoning after Shield told him about Bobbing’s Fuzzy apples.