Mixed expressions of boredom and annoyance on their faces, Adagio Dazzle and Aria Blaze sat among their sometimes ‘friends’, most times ‘reluctant acquaintances’, and ‘lovers’ far more often than anyone cares to admit. Sunset Shimmer and her friends had looks much closer to boredom with Fluttershy managing a look approaching real concern. The group had assembled a number of plastic chairs with metal frames - the cheap kind schools always seemed to have an abundance of - and had arranged them outside in the school courtyard so they could watch… whatever it was they were being forced to watch.
At that specific moment, it was Pinkie Pie wearing one of Sunset’s leather coats and tearfully delivering a speech she was almost assuredly making up on the spot as Sonata sat on a chair next to her and sobbed into her hands.
“…And even though I never met Chupa - or even knew he was a thing until, like, an hour ago. I’m sure we can all appreciate how totally un-fun to fall from a long distance, break your shell, and spill your guts all over a hard sidewalk would be.”
“Ugh,” Adagio shook her head. “I can’t believe we’re here.”
“Hey, you know how Sonata gets if we just ignore her when these things happen,” Aria replied. “If we don’t do something for her, she gets all mopey and weepy and wake us up with her equally loud and pathetic crying first thing in the early morning as she listens to that one sad Offspring song on repeat.”
“Huh, minus The Offspring that actually sounds pretty terrible,” Sunset said as she looked up from a baby-blue program detailing the events of the funeral followed by the reception.
“That also gets old after a while,” Aria said. “And who wants to be woken up at ten to the sound of someone bawlin’ their eyes out?”
Applejack and Rarity’s foreheads tightened, and they looked at Sunset expectantly.
Sunset just shrugged and motioned to Aria. “Hey, I agree with her! Just because you two have conformed to this ridiculous notion that everyone should wake up roughly when the sun rises doesn’t mean others have to like it!”
Applejack worked her well-toned left eyebrow muscle. “It’s the sun? It, you know, kinda keeps the planet warm and is the reason for all life here? So… sorta important.”
“Yeah, but it’s not alive!” Sunset said. “It’s not like the sun itself is going to be disappointed if you sleep in a few hours after it’s gotten up.”
Twilight gave Sunset a quizzical look. “Wait, do you sleep in late as some sort of strange, passive-aggressive act used to irritate your mom?”
“Okay. Just. What?” Sunset said. She shook her head. “That’s ridiculous…” A ponderous expression crossed her face. “I mean… I think it’s ridiculous… Damnit, Twilight! Now, I’m going to start second guessing sleeping in for the rest of my life!”
“Er… sorry?”
Aria just chuckled. “Don’t be! More sleeping in for the rest of us…”
Everyone present stared at Aria in confusion.
“Sleeping in is not a zero-sum game, Aria!” Adagio exclaimed irritably. She shook her head and took a deep breath to calm herself. “I suppose I should clarify before this whole conversation gets any stupider. I mean, I can’t believe roping in Sunset and Pinkie to help made things harder instead of easier.”
Sunset shrugged. “Pinkie always goes all out for an event. Even a sad one…”
Adagio groaned as if she really should have figured that out beforehand. “Speaking of which, why is Pinkie wearing one of your leather jackets?”
“Pinkie doesn’t own anything in black,” Sunset answered simply.
“Huh… Fair… I guess… Still, this whole thing is pointless!” Adagio asserted. “I mean… Sonata was technically going to vore it anyways.”
Fluttershy began to hug herself in shiver in place, a distant, frightened look on her face. “You’d think it’d be fine to internet search for big snakes, but no.”
Sunset raised an eyebrow. “I mean, I know you weren’t looking for that, but it kinda sounds like you were looking for trouble with that search term.”
Fluttershy looked Sunset straight in the eyes. “I was hoping for big, long cocks, Sunset.” The hurt, pained look returned. “The fact that my double-entendre turned into a horrible triple-entendre makes it so much worse…”
“Oh uh… fair?” Sunset replied in an unsure tone.
“What are you two talking about?” Rainbow Dash asked. “The heck is ‘vore’?!”
Sunset looked up from her paper. “Rainbow Dash, you don’t want to—”
“Too late!” Rainbow Dash said, her face already staring at her phone. “I’m looking it up! GHA!” Rainbow Dash cringed and let her phone fall to the ground where it clattered against the school’s walkway. “I have so many regrets right now!” she declared as she buried her face in her hands.
“I tried to warn you!” Sunset said.
Aria bent down and picked up the phone. “Uh, dude? I think you broke your screen,” she said, clearly holding up a smartphone with a broken screen.
“No, it’s cool,” Rainbow Dash replied. “I was going to burn that phone anyways.”
Aria nodded. “Yeah, I getcha, that stuff is pretty weird.”
Sunset gave Aria a confused look. “Wait, you’re not going to make fun of Rainbow Dash for overreacting? I mean, I kinda thought you girls would be okay with that stuff considering you were all giant sea monsters.”
Aria let out the most incredulous “Dude!” she could manage. “Giant sea monsters who fed on magic!” she exclaimed. “It’s not like we ate ponies alive! Do you know how many ponies would break from all their rioting, trot up to us, and ask if we could ‘put them in our mouths’ and maybe ‘swallow them, just a little?’ Too many!”
Sunset turned towards Adagio expectedly.
Adagio just glared back. “What?! No! Not only were unwashed ponies disgusting to have in my mouth back in the day, it was like there was an orgy in my mouth and everyone was invited except for me!”
Sunset shivered. “Great! Now I have so many regrets!” She sighed and shook her head. “And I thought this funeral would be a lot more fun!”
Pinkie stopped monologuing long enough to quip, “Because you can’t spell funeral without ‘fun’!”
“Piiiinkiiiieeeee!” Sonata wailed. “This is serious!”
“Uh… Right! Totally…” Pinkie frowned. “Okay, yeah… what happened was totally unexpected so, therefore…sad, uh… bye-bye!”
Sonata stood up. “That was beautiful! Like… like… like…Gordy! Whouaaaahouaaaahouaaa!”
Pinkie walked up to Sonata, arms ready for an embracing hug that was met with Sonata taking a step forward, reaching out to unzip the jacket Pinkie was wearing halfway, then fling herself face first into Pinkie’s ample and soft bosom where she let her tears flow some more. Pinkie simply responded by wrapping her arms around Sonata.
“You must be so proud,” Applejack growled out in irritation.
Adagio just rolled her eyes. “Sorry to rock your world without actually rocking your world, cowgirl, but not everything has to be about sex with me. If I was sad - say over something important, I’d want to bury myself directly in Pinkie’s chest too.”
“Wait…” Sunset pulled up a program and stared at it. “Sonata told me the name was ‘Chupa’!”
“Yeah!” Twilight agreed. “That’s what she asked me to put on all the programs…”
Rarity scoffed. “And she told me it was ‘Taki’!” she shook her head. “I even embroidered that on all those pillows for Sonata!” She exclaimed as she held up a small white pillow with purple hand-stitched writing that read. ‘In Loving Memory of Taki’ complete with a handful of hearts.
“All of you stop over-achieving at things that don’t matter!” Adagio snapped.
“Hey, I’m just here for body disposal!”
The group collectively looked down at the dog waiting by the chairs and expressed their disgust.
“What?!” Spike protested. “I’m a dog! Get over yourselves!”
“Well, I’m just happy to be included!”
Everyone turned to the one male in attendance.
“We know you are Flash,” Sunset said as she patted Flash Sentry on the shoulder. “We know.”
“I’m-I’m okay…” Sonata said as she parted from Pinkie and dried her eyes. She actually managed a small smile. “Actually… I think I’m ready to move on!”
“Finally!” Adagio exclaimed.
“Awww!” Pinkie said in a disappointed tone. “But we were supposed to sing next!”
“Oh, yeah!” Sonata said. “I guess I can wallow in self-pity for fun a little longer!”
“DAMNIT!” Adagio exclaimed as she got up to flip her own chair before she picked it back up, sat it on the ground, then sat back in it in a huff.
Sonata began to sing in a soft, melancholy manner, “My hot dog’s dead. My pizza’s dead. My cuuuuupcaaaaake is dead.~”
Pinkie continued, matching Sonata’s tone, “My doughnut’s dead. My burger’s dead. My miiiiiilkshake is dead.~”
Adagio threw a hand up in the air. “CAN’T WE JUST SKIP TO THE PART WHERE YOU GO TO TACO HUT AND DON’T DROP YOUR FOOD THIS TIME?!”
Sonata gasped. “How dare you suggest that Fiesta is just replaceable!”
“You can literally get one just like him for a few dollars!”
“OH, now you’re saying he’s cheap, too?! For shake, Dagi! FOR. SHAKE!”
“Uh, don’t you mean ‘for shame?’” Pinkie suggested.
“No, I need four shakes to deal with your badmouthing now!” Sonata declared. “He stuffed more than my face! He filled me with gooey, sticky goodness no one else could hope to match!”
Aria blinked and looked to Adagio with a ‘You gonna leave that innuendo alone?’ stare.
Adagio shrugged and shook her head. “Nah. It’s so easy, it’s cheesy.”
“He was soooo cheesy! Just like Ms. Dilla!”
Twilight shivered. “Okay, now I’m also not having fun at this funeral.”
“Now where we…” Sonata wondered out loud. “Oh yeah! All of our favorite foods are totally dead.~”
“You know you’re going there after this!” Adagio shouted. She slapped one of the pamphlets. “It’s even listed as where the reception is going to be held at!”
Sunset smirked and shook her head. “If you’re mad now, just wait until Pinkie breaks out the bagpipes and starts playing Amazing Grace!”
Something behind Adagio’s eyes seemed to snap. “But… but why the bagpipes?!”
Aria shrugged. “I mean… it’s probably an old Scottish tradition or something, but I bet you can blame a lot of it on the Wrath of Kahn.”
Adagio clenched her fists tightly and threw them into the air. “KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHN!”