//------------------------------// // Chapter 5: Shitty Clever Title // Story: Papers, Ponies, and Attitude // by Yellowtail //------------------------------// I jolt awake as I try not to drift off to sleep. I look over at Maple to see him sleeping on one side of the couch with an empty plate. I yawn and look at the clock. It’s four in the fucking morning, and I haven’t slept in over twenty four hours. Fuck. My. Life. I sigh and get up. I’m still wearing my red shirt and grey pants. I walk to the kitchen and look around for some food. Eggs. Great. I cook some eggs for myself and quickly eat them before using the bathroom. After taking a huge shit, I walk back to the living room and turn on the television. I turn the volume down to make sure I didn’t disturb Maple’s sleep. “We’re getting reports that Manehatten’s hold up yesterday has finally been explained. The issue was caused by a ‘poor choice of actions,’ as Celestia has said. The Checkpoint’s hold up yesterday has caused many representatives to be too late to partake in various political meetings. Many ponies and other creatures were not able to see their families and friends in Equestria yesterday. Many hotel reservations and meetings were lost and wasted,” the newsmare reports. I smirk. Cadence done fucked up big time. I look at Maple and scrap those thoughts. What am I gonna do with Maple? I can’t bring him to work, and the hospital isn’t open yet. I sigh again and think. Bacon has a sister right? She owns a bar... I get up and walk to my bedroom. I look around before finding the card Bacon gave me. Thankfully, the bar’s card shows how long they’re open. The bar is called Whiskey-Hay. Wow. One letter off from being Whiskey’s name. Why is it one letter off? Were the ponies typing the name? They give everything else a horse pun for a name. Anyway, the bar is open from five to midnight. I smile. Great, it’ll give me just enough time to get to the Checkpoint. In Manehatten, it’s easy to get where you’re going if you know where to go. I look at the address on the card. Wait, I remember this address. It’s where my favorite diner is! I look at the clock. Four thirty. I grimace. I’ll have to leave now to get the kiddo there. If Whiskey isn’t there, I’ll have to have the kid with me for the day. I look over at Maple and nudge him gently. “Wakey wakey kiddo,” I say. “Hm?” Maple murmurs. He slowly opens his eyes, his drowsiness still clear on his face. He looks at me and yawns. “Morning, are we going to see Dad yet?” I smile sadly. “I can’t take you to the hospital during work, so I’ll have to take you to your aunt,” I say. Maple perks up. “Aunt May?” He asks. I nod. He smiles wide and excitement slowly returns to his eyes. “I can’t wait!” “Heheh, neither can I,” I say under my breathe. Keep in mind, again, I’m okay with kids, but I’d rather have solitude. I look at my door and remember the fact that it’s still on the floor and broken. I sigh and merely walk out. I keep Maple beside me as we walk to the diner. I’ll have to get him to the diner and then find Whiskey. I doubt I’ll get thanked for taking Maple to a bar. We arrive at the diner, aptly named ‘Old-Timey’s Diner’. The owner and I had nice conversations. I tell him that I want some coffee and he rants about his day. Timey is a pudgy pale yellow unicorn with a black mane. He also has a bushy beard. During Pony Christmas, he dyed his beard and mane grey and plopped a Santa hat on his head. After he had twenty one-sided conversations with me, I decided to humor him and converse as well. Turns out, I helped his daughter pass the border at one point. At the time, you’d need a passport and a ticket to cross the border. She couldn’t get a ticket in the Minotaur’s country, unsurprisingly. So, after many conversations, he’s decided to give me coffee for free. That is, if I married his daughter. I declined and told him that she needed someone better. When he asked what I meant, I promptly told him many phrases I’m known for. Now, I’m getting coffee for free if I don’t utter a single syllable of those phrases in his diner. Anyway, Maple and I enter the diner. There’s a line of chairs placed in front of the bar of the diner. Booths line the walls with red and white cushions. The walls are tiled black and white. The floor is concrete, with the diner’s name painted in the center. Six tables spread across the diner in the middle. Maple gasps excitedly and rushes to Timey, who is behind the bar, sweeping. “Hi Mr Timey!” Maple says excitedly. Timey jumps and spins around to find Maple beaming up at him. He smiles. “Why, Maple! What’re you doing here?” He asks. He looks up and sees me. He looks around before giving me a confused look. “Well, I wanted to see Dad. While I was getting here, I met Mr Anon! We went to his house since the hospital isn’t open yet. This morning, he said Aunt May’s around the corner, and then she’ll take me to see Dad!” Maple says excitedly. Timey quirks an eyebrow at me. “Yeah, can you watch him for a little bit? I need to find Bacon’s sister,” I say. Timey sighs and smiles. “Of course, I’ll watch him while you find May. Rascal’s been here more than a few times,” he chuckles. I nod gratefully. Maple starts to go to a seat. “Hey Maple,” I say, kneeling to be more eye level with him. He turns to me, with a tilted head. “Don’t wander off, okay?” “Okay!” He says. I smile and get up. I nod my thanks to Timey and head out. I think the bar might be to the right. I start walking down the street, looking for the bar in question. In a short amount of time, I find the bar. It’s closed. Shit. I groan and gently banged my head against the door. “I’m too tired for this shit. Please, God, don’t make me walk everywhere.” “... Anon? Is that you?” A voice asks. I turn to look at Whiskey May, giving me a confused look. I sigh in gratitude. “Oh thank the Lord, I found you. Whiskey, I-“ “Why haven’t you talked to us!?” Whiskey proceeds to yell. I try to say something, but she cuts me off. “No, you stopped visiting for almost two weeks! What were you doing that was so-“ “Whiskey!” I yell. “What!?” She yells back. “I found Maple!” I yell. Whiskey reels back in shock. “You found who!?” She asks. “Maple! Your nephew!” I say. Whiskey can tell I’m telling the truth. She looks around me. “... Where’s Maple?” She asks dangerously. “He’s at the diner around the corner. I trust Timey enough to watch him,” I explain. Whiskey sighs and nods, processing the information. “... Where’s Snowy?” She asks suddenly. “Who?” “... Maple’s mother. My brother’s wife. Snowy,” she slowly seethes. “... Come with me,” I say. We enter the diner to see Maple sitting in a booth eating a few pancakes. Timey looks over from the bar to see us and smirks. “It’s on the house,” he says. I nod in thanks while Whiskey rushes to Maple. He finally notices us and seems to shrink a little. Whiskey quickly sits beside him while I sit on the other side. “Maple! Where’s your mother?” Whiskey asks. The kid smiles nervously. “Um, she’s in... another... country...” The look on Whiskey’s face is honestly priceless. She looks horrified. I would too, but I’m past the realm of shocked at this point. “... What do you mean?” She asks. “I-I wanted to see Dad, b-but Mom kept saying bad things!” He says. Oh crap, the tears are back. “S-she said that h-he’s not coming b-back, a-and-“ Maple bursts into tears and hugs Whiskey. Whiskey sighs and hugs back. “Shh, shh, he’s fine Maple, he’s just going through physical therapy right now. We’ll be able to visit him,” she soothes. After a little bit, Maple settles down, but keeps his embrace with Whiskey. Whiskey looks over at me with a concerned look. She doesn’t need to ask as I proceed to tell her how we got here. After the tale, Maple is back to eating his disks of deliciousness, though he’s doing with a mopey tone. Whiskey nods, breathing in deeply. She exhales before speaking. “Thank you Anon, I cannot tell you how glad I am that you happened to find him. The bar can be closed for today,” she says. Maple looks up from his food. “I’m sorry that I ran away, but Mom wasn’t going to even try to visit Dad!” He says. He looks at his remaining pancakes sadly. “I just wanted to see Dad.” Whiskey sighs. “I don’t blame you. I would have thought that your mother would get the letters we’ve sent,” Whiskey stops to turn Maple to look at her. “But, don’t do something like this again, okay?” She asks. Maple nods guiltily. “You’re not in much trouble, but I’ll bet that your father will ground you.” Maple nods sadly. Maple looks over to me. “Will you visit my dad too?” He asks. I smirk. “Well kiddo, I just might visit your dad after work today. It’s about time I did anyway,” I say. Whiskey’s smile falters. I start to get up, but Whiskey grabs my hand. “Wait!” She says loudly. I look over at her with a quirked eyebrow, as did Maple. “Need something?” I ask her. She blinks before looking around. I can see the faint reflection on the window of the diner. I can barely see Timey holds up two coffee cups from behind the counter. Whiskey’s eyes shift to Timey and back to me. “Um, I, uh, accidentally ordered two coffees earlier,” she bullshits. Why is it that no one can lie worth a shit in this world? “So, can you help me with the second cup?” She asks with a nervous smile. I squint at her with suspicion. I glance at a clock on the wall. It’s about five o’clock. I quickly think of how long I can be able to chat. I can spare fifteen minutes. “... Alright,” I say. Whiskey sighs quietly. As we wait, Timey brings out the coffee. I stir the cream that was poured in while Whiskey quirks an eyebrow. “Really? Cream? You need to toughen up,” she comments smugly, taking a swig of her black coffee. I smirk. “I need to toughen up?” I ask. She smirks right back. “Bi-“ I cough to stop myself. “Buddy, I yelled at the king of Minotaurs. He walked away with his tail between his legs,” I say. Whiskey giggles. “Oh really? You ever fought anyone at your job?” She asks seriously. Maple looks at us like we’re weird. “Oh heck yeah I did. When someone poses a threat, I have to take care of them myself. The guards can’t do everything you know,” I say. Whiskey looks unconvinced. “Uh huh, did you know I’ve settled hundreds of bar fights with my bare claws?” She asks. I slowly clap. “Oh yes, much more impressive than my soft and harmless fingers. It’s not like I’ve wrestled a griffon before,” I say. Maple perks up at this. “Wrestling a griffon? Oh, how’d that turn out?” Whiskey asks. I shrug. “Oh, you know, had him in a headlock before the guards came in and took him away.” I’m choosing to leave out the fact that I came out with many scratches, and almost bled to death. As we converse with examples of best moments, Maple finishes up his pancakes while he listens in. “I threw two Minotaurs out the window.” I smirk. “I threw a princess out a window,” I say proudly. Technically true, Twilight is a princess. “Why?” Whiskey asks, trying to hide a smirk forming on her beak. “She was a.... an annoying pony,” I say, catching myself from cursing. “...Once, I arm wrestled a bear,” Whiskey says, deciding to change subject. “Eh, same here,” I casually reply. Please don’t ask if I won. “Did you win?” Dammit. “... No... did you?” I ask. Whiskey coughs into her claw nervously. “... Maybe not...” We finish up our coffee and go our separate ways for now. I admit, she’s pretty okay. I’ll have to ask about the weird behavior later. I arrive at the Checkpoint, waving to some of the passing guards. The coffee is barely keeping me awake. I stop when the familiar rookie trots up. “Glory to Equestria, Sir!” He shouts. I cover my ears again. “Goddammit dude, turn your voice down. Also, stop saying glory to Equestria, you make it sounds like a crappy evil nation,” I say. The guard’s mouth opens, but closes immediately. “... Alright sir.” “... What’s your name?” I ask. He salutes. “Corporal Sergui, Sir.” “... Segway, got it,” I say. He blinks before speaking. “No, it’s Sergui.” “I know. Segway.” “That... that doesn’t even sound the same!” He complains. “What?” “The names! I’m saying Sergui, and you’re saying Segway!” He says. “... I don’t hear a difference,” I reply. He groans and sighs. “Forget it.” “... Alright,” I say as I walk away. Man, what a weird ass name. Who name’s a kid Segway? Then again, my parents named me Anonymous. Thank God no one’s pointed that out yet. I walk into my office, which is exactly how I left it. Except there’s a letter on the desk. I take the letter and open it Dear Anon, I would like to apologize for the behavior of my niece, Cadence, as she was not supposed to go too far, let alone react at all. I wish I could give you a day off after the events that transpired recently. My sister has informed me of your selfless deed however, which pleases me to know that such a caring creature is regulating the Border. Best wishes, Princess Celestia I grimace. Great. ‘Caring creature’. I guess I’ll have to reclaim my ‘Jackassery’ title. I smirk. I’m so tired that I don’t really care what flies out of my mouth. I lean towards the mic. “Next!” The first creature to enter today is a familiar elder mare. “Anon? Is that you?” Mayor Mare asks. God. Fucking. Dammit. On the inside, I’m fucking furious at the sight of Mayor Mare. She stabbed me in the ass. “Yep. I’m tired as all hell. Papers please,” I say. Mayor Mare hands me her papers anxiously. I start checking them, trying to find a reason to deny or, more preferably, detain her “I-I see that we’re on good terms-“ “Good terms?” I ask sarcastically. I lock eyes with her, sending a death glare as best as I could in a tired state. Mayor leans back when I look at her. “You looked at me and yelled at me to go away. I ask for a house, you throw a book at me. I asked for a loan, you said that I’m ‘extorting you for money’. I once asked how I could be registered as a citizen, and you didn’t bother to tell me. You remember what you did that made me pissed off the most?” I ask rhetorically. “When a petition to run me out of town was signed, you did just that. You gathered the ponies, yelled out random bullshit from your ass, and literally tried to kill me with the fork.” “Look, the pitchfork was an accident-“ “I don’t give a shit,” I interrupt. Mayor Mare sighs sadly, looking at her hooves in shame. “... Alright, I’m sorry... I-I didn’t really think you were that bad t-to be honest...” “Oh, really?” I ask sarcastically. “The pitchfork that was shoved up my ass suggested otherwise.” Tears fell to the floor. Mayor Mare’s sobs were anything but silent. “I’m sorry... I’m so, so sorry... ” She sobs. As I stare at her, I slowly feel a small pang of guilt. I kinda figured she’d have Twilight’s attitude. I sigh. “I-I didn’t mean to hurt you! E-everyone was going to throw me out of office if I didn’t do something! I-“ “Mayor,” I say. She continues crying a little, but stops speaking. “... I’m willing to forgive you,” I say. She looks up at me, surprised, tears still spilling from her eyes. “Honestly, I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why it was legal to kick me out of town. Then, Applejack told me. It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t start the petition,” I say. Okay, now I’m starting to feel like shit. I didn’t want her to cry like this. I rub my face, my exhaustion showing clear as day. The mayor looks at her hooves again in shame. “But, I-“ “Look, I’m tired. I’m sure you’re tired. Before now, I didn’t know you felt guilty about the... incident,” I say. Mayor Mare looks like she wants to protest, but remains silent. “In fact,” I get up and lean through the window. Mayor Mare looks up at me in confusion. I reach down and hug her. It’s a brief hug, lasting for a few seconds, before I go back to sitting in my chair. Mayor Mare looks confused, but at least she’s calmed down a lot. “I rarely hug people. You’re one of the few I’ve hugged. Now, go home, have a nice cup of coffe,” I reach in my pockets and pull out a bag of bits. I count them before handing some to her. “And dye your hair pink again.” Mayor Mare’s blush makes her look like a tomato. “Y-you know about the dye?” She asks. I nod. “Applejack talks to me. She’s told me about her little sister’s exploits in the news biz,” I explain. Mayor Mare giggles. “Yes, I remember that. Such an embarrassing time,” she says. All the emotional pain she felt moments before seem to almost vanish as she reminisces over her time in Ponyville. Fucking ponies man. In my time in Equestria, I’ve figured out that they’re very erratic when it comes to emotions compared to the other species. The other creatures of the planet are rather much less faint of heart than the ponies. Mayor’s face suddenly grows confused as something hits her. “Wait, I have a question,” she starts. She looks up at me. “How long have you been running the Border?” She asks. I smirk. “About a month and a half.” “Wow, how did you get picked for this job?” Mayor asks. I sigh and think back. “Princess Celestia noticed a certain human in a bakery one day, picking out spelling errors and incorrect pricing of the cakes. She walked over to me, asked me what I was doing, and I told her to fuck off while I made sure the guy knew he was an idiot.” “You told her to what!?” “Yep. She was peeved for a little bit, but realized that, as I was pointing out errors, I was correct about the errors. Turns out, the dude was overcharging her for years.” “No!” Mayor Mare exclaims in shock. “Oh yes. He charged her fifty bits while regular customers were paying thirty.” “So, what happened next?” “Well, I was walking out, when Celestia stops me. I called her an asshole for some reason and we started to argue about the competence of ponies. Then, she made a bet. I took it. If I win, whoopdy fucking doo. If she wins, I get thrown in the dungeon for cursing so much at a princess.” “W-well that doesn’t sound like her-“ “Yeah, she was having a rough day. Anyway, so I showed up on...” I look up in thought. “... twenty third of November. I was halfway done through the day when she pops in, and tries to forfeit the bet. But, she looked around and noticed I haven’t gotten any citations. She asked why, and I told her, ‘I’m not some dipshit that gives free stamps.’ So, Celestia says, ‘Very well, I’ll leave the border to you. If I see a single citation, you’ll be fined for your error.’ And I said, ‘Okay asshat’.” I scratch my head as I reminisce the memories of my earlier days. If feels like it’s been forever since I first stepped here. “So, I get done through the day, and she finds me. She looks around the office. No citations. I had done it perfectly. So, she looks at me, square in the eyes, and asks, ‘How would you like a job here?’ So, my first response was, ‘How would you like to fuck off?’ But, then, she made the job so enticing, I couldn’t resist.” “What’d she do?” Mayor Mare asks, entranced by my shitty story telling. I lean over. “She said I could cuss all I want to at some of the biggest people in the world,” I say. Mayor Mare simply stares at me. “That’s it?” She asks. “No raises? No awards?” “Nope,” I confirm. “I simply get to cuss at anyone I want to. Provided I pay for it of course.” Mayor sits back on her haunches, processing this information. I chuckle, handing her green-stamped passport. “Welcome back to Equestria Mayor Mare,” I say. She blinks out of her trance and gratefully takes her passport. “Thank you. And again, I’m so sorry for what happened.” I shrug. “You’re not the one that needs to apologize.” Mayor Mare nods and trots out the door. I sigh. Dammit. I’m too tired for this shit. I lean towards the mic. “Next!” The next creature to enter is... the yak from last time. Awesome. “Hello human! Yak meet again!” He says excitedly. I smile weakly. Coffee’s wearing off. The yak pauses as he notices my drowsiness. “Um, yak not sure if human okay.” “Oh, you bet your ass I’m feeling great!” I say. The yak heartily laughs. “Good! Yak is pleased to hear!” “Can I get the fucking papers now!?” I yell with enthusiasm. Yak keeps his smile as he gives his papers to me. “There is funny creature’s personality!” I quickly look over his papers. They’re good. “Sun pony is not as amusing as human! Human much more interesting than ponies!” “Hell yeah I am!” I yell. The yak smiles as he talks. “Yaks were offered boring ponies for tour! Bah, yaks don’t like quiet tours! Quiet tours are long! Manehatten is not quiet city! Manehatten is loud city! Like yaks!” I chuckle. “Yep. It’s so fucking loud, the noises become our lullabies!” I yell. The door on the right opens for Segway to pop his head in. “Is everything alright-“ “Leave yak and human! Yak is having nice conversation!” The yak yells. Segway yelps and quickly heads out, closing the door. “So fucking rude, am I right!?” I yell. The yak nods vigorously. “Pony was very rude!” He confirms. I hand him his green stamped passport. He thanks me and heads out. I lean towards the mic, “Next!” The following hours become harder and harder. My exhaustion is catching up to me. Finally I’m jolted awake by the dude in front of me. “Wake up! I got stuff to do other than waste my time here!” He yells. I look at him. “Look me in the eyes and I dare you to ask if I honestly give a flying fuck,” I say. Sure, he’s in the right, but I’m tired. I don’t care who’s right and who’s- Wait. His passport says he’s female. “... Are you a chick or a dude?” I ask. He/she pales. “Um, well, I-“ “Face the scanner.” The shutters flips down and I hear two clicks. I pick up the photos and looks at them. “... Do you not know how genders work?” I ask him. He looks at the passport. Then, he looks at me. “H-Hey, uh, you know, I have a good bit of cash on me-“ “I don’t give a shit how rich you are. You couldn’t put down your correct fucking gender. That alone is enough to make me think about detaining you to force you to learn how genders fucking work,” I say. He gulps audibly. “Look, it was a typo okay? I didn’t see the mistake until now-“ “So, you’re willing to just take a passport with your name on it and never check to see if it’s correct?” I ask. He sighs. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? Can you just deny me please?” He asks. I stare at him for a minute before sighing. I give him the red stamp as I glare at him tiredly. “Don’t step foot in my line ever again if you’re not checking your passport first,” I say. He grumbles as he leaves. Before I could lean towards the mic, the whistle for six sounds. I sigh in relief and get up. Before I could leave though, the right door opens. Stepping in, is my boss. See, every Checkpoint has a manager of sorts. They pay the workers, they make sure everyone is working hard, and they keep the Checkpoint running at all costs. My boss is a bitch. My boss, Lucky Runner, is a pint sized unicorn mare, red with a faded red mane. She walks in, carrying a stool with her magic. She plops the stool in front of the window and hops on. She stares me down, or up rather. “So, Mr Anonymous...” “Yes, Ms Shortstack?” I ask. She magically grips a rolled up newspaper from somewhere and smacks me up the head. “What have I said about nicknames?” She asks impatiently. “That you’re too fucking sensitive about your height Ms Midget,” another smack upside the head rewards my efforts. “It’s utterly amazing that I’ve allowed you to work here,” she comments. “Yeah. I would’ve figured you’d have fired me by now,” I reply. She sighs and face hooves. I can still see a small smirk work its way up. “That’s why I keep you here Anon. In your own words, you just don’t give a fuck,” she says. I roll my eyes and she returns to seriousness. “Look, I know you’re tired. I want to apologize for making you come here-“ “What are you talking about? I came here on my own free will,” I say. He equirks an eyebrow. “Didn’t you get my letter?” She asks. “Didn’t you realize I have to get here before six in the morning?” I ask. She groans. “I honestly thought you’d just try to sleep in,” she says. I scoff. “Nah, I know you Ms Midget,” I say. Another smack upside the head. “Because you’re technically supposed to work tomorrow, I’m docking your pay,” she mentions. I quirk an eyebrow. “How does that work?” I ask. She smirks. “You’re taking a day off tomorrow. Now, go off to wherever you go. I’m going to find someone to finally take care of the crappy air here,” she says. I smirk. “You know, I was at the Canterlot Checkpoint yesterday,” I start saying. Lucky quirks an eyebrow. “So?” She asks. “They had a complimentary chocolate dispenser.” “... That’s horseshit!” She yells. “Where in Tartarus is my fancy crap!?” “The floor had carpet, and the air smelled like roses.” Lucky’s fuming. “Alright then, if they’re gonna have their fancy gadgets, I’ll have to up my game,” she continues. I pat her head, making her give me a confused look. “Don’t get too angry, I’d have to send you to a time out corner,” I say with a shit eating grin. The fun sized mare gives me a bemused look before gripping the rulebook I keep on the side of the desk with her magic. The book flies at me, smacking me so hard I almost fall over. “Another comment, and I’ll serve your ass on a platter,” she warns. I keep my grin as I recompose myself and walk out of the Checkpoint. Dammit, I’m still fucking tired.