When Discord originally heard the suggestion from Spike regarding the Flim and Flam bros, he… honestly wanted to do a piece on that similar to what he did with Iron Will. A full episode dedicated to all the crazy shenanigans and stupidity that they get themselves into. But with the weeks flying by insanely fast and with new developments happening all over the place and some of them being in areas that were way more important, he felt that it would be simpler just to ‘legally’ change the names on their birth certificate to ‘Skim and Scam’ bros and call it a day.
Because aside from the daily craziness at the school of friendship, the developments there and allowing for other creatures to take part at the school has lead to Celestia trying to be able to change laws that were in place since the time of her parents in one particular area… and that was trade. And based on what he had been hearing so far regarding this, he really saw this deal as quite an improvement. However, there has been a lot of pushback and ponies who were against such a deal.
So as he got on his suit and prepared his set for the next taping, he looked back at the live studio audience that was in the crowd this evening as he kicked off another episode of his show. “Welcome, welcome everypony to Last Week Tonight!! I’m sorry that I’ve been gone so long, but there has been a lot of developments in the last few weeks. From two idiot twin brothers trying to pull off the biggest educational con job with their Friendship University; the only school that simply tells you ‘F-U’, to Rockhoof going through a suicidal depressive phase and even having a pegasus filly go full on sadistic in an attempt to take over the school of friendship and end up getting thrown in Tartarus over it,” With each piece, the images of Flim and Flam at Friendship university, Rockhoof talking with his class and then the filly named Cozy Glow in Tartarus next to none other than Lord Tirek as the crowd laughed. “And you might think… well hang on, given how much coverage this sh*ts getting, there’s no possible way that something could be overlooked… well, unfortunately, there is one thing… and that concerns tonight’s main subject.”
The ponies in the crowd looked at one another for a moment, a bit puzzled. But then, Discord let out a sigh as he began to speak. “Tonight’s main story concerns Trade… the complex process of barter and exchange that’s found everyday in farmer’s markets, canterlot stores and elementary school lunch rooms,” An image of what looked to be students in Ms. Cheerilee’s class at lunch was now seen as one pony in the middle looked to be really wanting to get rid of the sandwich that was in his lunch bag. “Truffle, you’ve been trying to trade that daffedel sandwich for the last three days… I think it’s safe to say that you can throw that away because it's purely inedible.”
The crowd chuckled at that as Discord looked back at his audience and continued to speak. “Now, the reason why I’m bringing this subject up tonight is because with Equestria’s current relationships with the leaders of other countries and other species, Princess Celestia and her advisors have been busy reworking old laws that had been enforced for over a century and trying to revamp them to match the current times. This is important because Equestria, before this point… used to have a forelegs length relationship with other countries and heavily induce major taxes on goods in order to basically rob other species of their bits on products like food and clothing… and then basically spit in their face about it. Which sounds harsh… but given how back then, they had a huge ‘KEEP OUT’ sign to prevent any Zebra’s from going to their homeland, I would call it mild compared to that.”
After bringing up that old tidbit from Dinky Doo in season 1, Discord was able to get a few more laughs out of his audience as he continued. “Now, recently, Princess Celestia has announced that she may be close to finalizing a fair and open trade deal to every creature, where goods could be traded freely and you can’t be able to tax the f*ck out of people just because you feel like it… Unfortunately though, to get such a vote passed, you would need majority approval from the other representatives from across Equestria and most recently, one of them took the time to be interviewed to downright oppose it… but just wait until the reporter bring up one small thing…”
“This deal that the Princess is proposing is preposterous! It’s going to affect jobs, affect the ponies who are trying to put food on the table for their families and it’s going to cause our economy to just downright drop!”
“And you say this, considering the fact that you yourself have not actually looked at the deal itself.”
“No, I haven’t had the chance to review it.”
The whole crowd let out a shocked gasp as Discord himself reacted to that very statement. “Then what the f*ck are you doing criticizing something that you haven’t even read!?! You’re making yourself less like a city representative and more like a foal who refuses to eat his vegetables!!” On screen was a image of a unicorn colt making a disgusted expression as it held a fork in its magic while staring at the broccoli on it’s plate while also going the extra step as to impersonate that random colt’s voice. “Why are you giving me this!? I hate Broccoli! It’s the worst food in the world!! Have you even tried it? Have you even tried it just once in order to see if you actually like it or not? No I have not and I know that I hate it!”
The crowd clapped their hooves for him as Discord looked back at him. “And to be fair… that guy’s not the only one who spoke up against it. Listen to Spoiled Rich here, a mare who accidentally got a nose job in the shape of a rhinoceros’ horn and who’s actually trying working with nobles in Canterlot to try and prevent this from passing, say her thoughts on the subject.”
“The trade deal that is being proposed so far, from what I know, in my view… is insulting. If it is as bad of a deal as I think it is… then we will do everything that we can to stop it.”
“Wait, hold on right there,” Discord interjected, raising his paw up as he looked back at the camera. “If it’s bad as a deal as you think it is? That’s an obvious sign that you didn’t do any reading. It’s the equivalent of doing a book report on something that you haven’t even read,” Discord said as it showed an image of a random filly doing a presentation in front of the class while Discord used his chaos magic to make it look like he was a stage actor at a play. “Some of us are of mice… while others are clearly of mares.”
More of the crowd continued to laugh as Discord snapped his talons to make the props he had explode off stage before looking back at the camera. “And the one question that comes to my mind during all of this… How the hell do you not read about this at all before deciding to comment on it? It’s only over a hundred pages long and most of it is just lists and introductions. Meaning that around half of it is actually important. Which is less pages than ‘The Foalsitter’s Club number one, Moonlight has a great idea’,” Briefly, an image of the popular children's book that was of the same name was shown as he continued to speak. “And look… I’m not saying my opinions on the matter… but given how everypony either hasn’t read the deal or doesn’t seem to understand how trade between countries and other species works, let's take tonight to actually talk about it. From explaining the basics of trade and how it affects our economy… and also show how some ponies, despite how credible they say they are on the matter, almost don’t even understand the simple basics.”
Taking a moment to stretch out his paw and claw, Discord looked back at his audience. “For a start, trade between other countries and species is rather simplistic. We pay for goods that they provide and they pay for goods that we provide them. However, many of the nobles… really don’t want to have the system change because they can put big taxes on imports called tariffs that come into the country like food and clothing because they think they can be able to basically empty the pockets of other countries.”
For a moment, that made most of his audience rather surprised… before hearing the draconequus speak up again. “But as you would know by now, given that the Nobles don’t really have a tendency to give a sh*t about other ponies unless they feel like it, tariffs are actually heavy taxes on foreign goods to make them seem less attractive and made products here more appealing… and the ones paying those tariffs aren’t other countries, but importers here do,” Discord explained, having several images show up as visual aides in order to explain what he was saying. “And all that does is make things worse because the cost that they pay would then be passed along to the consumer. And a LOT of our goods are from overseas as some journalists and reporters try to explain in the most literal way possible.”
“If Nobles go through with these proposed tariffs, then you would have to pay more for kitchenware, appliances, daily groceries and clothes. Even parasol’s like this one would cost more bits because of the components that keep it together.”
“For business owners, the cost of buying the products that they need to put on the stores will go up. Everyday items like manebrushes, shampoo, combs and towels can also be hit because they’re brought in from outside Equestria.”
“Everyday items that we used such as parchment and ink for writing letters can be hit, along with journals.”
“Okay, stop please… because what that last reporter just said sounded more like the embodiment of what comes out of Princess Twilight’s nightmares… Other than talking quesadillas,” The image of a quesadilla saying ‘hello’ and Twilight running away in fear was shown next as the crowd laughed at that. “It’s one of the dreams from her fillyhood that she rather not remember anymore… as I am told.”
That was followed by a caption that read ‘scared horse noises’ at the bottom of the screen as it sounded like somepony was having a major freakout backstage. “So, if Nobles don’t seem to understand the concept of tariffs, then what else is there that they don’t seem to get? I mean, even though all of them say they got the highest class of education, it looks like they don’t offer basic economics at the Royal Douche University,” That was followed by an image of what looked like many of the Canterlot nobility, including Prince Blueblood, dressed up as if they were in college and attending a school with the same name. “Because they seem to don’t understand the concept of our country's trade deficit. Which, to put it lightly, is the number that represents how much we buy from other countries that they buy from us. And anytime they try to say what the number is… they’re always wrong.”
And that was added by Discord adding on another fact. “And to prove it, a reporter asked a hoof-ful of nobles the same question about the trade deficit when they were at a trade conference two months ago. Not only did each one of them not have any consistent answers, but all of them assumed that it was over five times that of what we actually have. So at this point, I would think that the only thing that they could think of from economics is how much money from your taxes are going towards whatever extravagant party or occasion that happens on a week by week basis.”
That was when a lot of ponies gasped at hearing that, before the spirit of chaos asked them an honest question. “Oh come on! Did you honestly think that they were the ones who organized and set up all those parties?! That’s why they have staff members do all the work for them, those lazy f*ckers!!”
He took a moment to calm himself down and to let out a small breath, before looking back at his audience. “So where were we? Ah right… that. Well, other then what I just said, remember how I mentioned them not understanding the concept of trade. Well, another pony, who happens to be an important advisor to one of those nobles asking a particular question… that they really did not answer well.”
“Sir, I know that this may seem personal… but are sure that this is a good idea. Don’t get me wrong, but have you ever taken a economics course?”
“I don’t know, have you?”
Again, the crowd seemed rather shocked by that. And so was Discord, “Other than the fact that he was being straight up rude to that pony… the words ‘Have you?’ don’t exactly reflect well upon you when you say it in a snarky tone like that,” The spirit of chaos told them, before coming up with an analogy that really caught them off guard. “If you asked somepony ‘Have you ever has sex in public?’ and their response was ‘I don’t know, have you?’, that pony had sex in public!! They did it… in public… and in all likelihood, it probably didn’t happen just one time. Think of the children that could have witnessed that!”
He got his crowd to laugh once again, looking back at them before diving back into the main piece of the subject. “I’m not saying that it's easy to understand the subject of trade, because the whole scope of everything makes this one of the most complicated issues there is. Over the years though, many ponies have been sounding the alarm that unfettered trade can reward the worst behaviors of companies and exploit countries that have fewer labor protections. Some of those countries that we are now allies with and it’s supposed to benefit both sides…”
And with it, the draconequus now had a couple more things regarding the subject that should be addressed. “But that also means something else… these guys not understanding trade also means that they don’t understand the impact of it on our economy and its consequences. Take tariffs for example. Ms. Rhino Rich here,” An image of Spoiled Rich placed right next to a Rhino version of the same pony, which got the crowd laughing a little. “Has said that one of their proposals includes a tariff on cloth, linen and leather goods and they have claimed that doing this would help the workers. However… what they don’t realize is that it only helps out ponies in those specific industries. Protecting cloth… helps cloth, but it hurts anything made from it because the price of their materials is increased and therefore… would be forced to raise their prices on you, the consumer, in order to break even.”
And now, Discord was asking a question that… now that he brought it up, everypony else in the audience is wondering too. “So if what the nobles are trying to propose to replace this detail makes no sense at all… Then why are they doing this? And more importantly, where is their information coming from? Because for a start… several ponies who’ve actually worked on this new deal and have dealt with nobility disagree with them. One advisor, Number Cruncher, reportedly resigned from being the nobles financial advisor when the ideas of these tariffs first surfaced, and others have tried doing damage control, but were immediately proven wrong after stating their main points. So who is honestly telling these ponies… and the rhino… that this is a good idea.”
The crowd laughed once more at the mentioning of Spoiled Rich looking like a Rhino as Discord looked back at his audience. “Be honest with me… you laughed a little too hard that time around,” He told them, shortly before looking back at him. “No… what would be the driving force that this is a good idea is this stallion here, Cash Grab. He’s what you would consider as the noble’s trade pony. Isn’t that right, Cash?”
“I’m the trade pony.”
“Yep, that’s right… so let’s recap on who we have on this noble committee of stupidity here. We have trade pony, rhino liar, doctor racist, nothing prince even though he’s not on there anymore, wasted grandma, criminal breezie, dictionary grave robber and daughter lover. It’s a fine tuned machine that they’re trying to run,” As Discord said that last piece, pictures of each of their members, including Spoiled Rich, were in there too. The spirit of chaos also put in images of Chancellor Neighsay and Prince Blueblood, but that was more of sh*ts and giggles than anything else. “But let’s just focus on Cash Grab for now because he’s an author who’s written a series of ‘Get rich quick’ books and like some of these nobles, is obsessed with trade deficits and everything that we’ve covered so far. Particularly with other countries like Griffonstone.”
As he began this segment, Discord began to continue his piece and began to go more in depth on the pony that he was discussing about. “Cash Grab has personally referred to trade with Griffonstone as being a game where one country succeeds when the other one loses, which is flat out untrue. In fact… among other ponies in the same field of economics, he’s much different. In fact, when a reporter for the Manehattan Times asked for him to state somepony who would agree with his views, he gave one name. Long T. Investment, a professor at the University of Baltimare, an actual school by the way,” Briefly, the image of the ‘Friendship University’ was shown to rub in the ‘failed’ attempt by Flim and Flam to get cash in exchange for… practically not a lot of things in return. Which, had caught the crowd by surprise. “Said that Grab ‘has a very severe position on the matter, which I have a problem with… where’s his proof?’ And it doesn’t really look good when the one pony that you think is going to back you up discredits everything you’re trying to say.”
And if that weren’t important enough, Discord added on something to make the whole idea seem hilarious. “It’s like trying to have some guy be your wingcolt at a bar, yet when you talking to a mare, he discredits everything that you are saying,” The image of what looked like two Wonderbolt stallions at a bar and one of them being all factual while the other was flirting with the bartender was seen as the crowd began to chuckle at the possibility of that. “Come on man, I thought I told you not to say anything stupid! I wasn’t saying anything stupid, I was telling the truth. Well, don’t do that!”
That was when the draconequus soon turned his attention back to his audience as he looked back at his audience. “So if you are frustrated at this guy already and are undeniably wondering how in Tartarus did this guy get a job with the f*cking nobles… well, the answer to that is much dumber than you realized.”
“They just went to the bookstore and just browsed the books that were there. They found his books, read them and then they offered a job for him the very next day.”
“Eeyup…” What sounded like Big Mac’s voice echoed through Discord’s vocal chords for that short moment as he looked back at the ponies who were watching, before he continued. “They found this guy by just reading his books in a store. That was their rigorous process… So whenever Chancellor Neighsay does eventually get fired, be prepared for him to be replaced by Hazel Light, author of the erotic fiction novel ‘Starshine’s Night, A late-night love story’, because honestly, that’s the first thing that came up when I used my magic to search ‘Good School Pony (Not Racist) through their authors archives’.”
His audience was a bit surprised by that and some of them were laughing at the prospect of what Discord was saying before he started back up again. “Now… the book that they found in particular was one called ‘At their Mercy’, which paints the trade relationship that we have with our allies in almost catastrophic ways. And while there are some troubling claims about other countries trade practices, Cash Grab here goes way further than that, going as far as to claim that ‘they’re raping our countries profits, stealing what was once ours and claiming it as theirs like they made it themselves’. And honestly, I’m not sure if I should be worried about what his other books say… or if they found that in the adult-grimdark section of the library on accident. Because… this is honestly what happened when I asked for Princess Twilight to read some of the book just last week.”
A new clip was seen of Twilight scanning through the pages of the book… before stopping… blinking at what she was seeing… And immediately setting it on fire. Followed by this. “Are you BUCKING kidding me!? Who would believe what’s in this stupid book!?!”
“She’s right… Even Princess Twilight knows that this book… if I can turn the censor off for just a moment… is complete bullshit,” Discord’s words caused an uproar of an applause as he turned it back on a few seconds later. “This guy is seen by other economists across the country as more of a raging street derelict that no one takes seriously and yet, most of the ponies in this noble opposition group against Princess Celestia’s new trade deal are the only ones who take him seriously. Which is scary because Cash Grab said of his new job that ‘he is to provide the proper analytics that prove their viewpoint and the input of the Nobles I work for is always right and that is F*CKING terrifying! Because any legitimate economist should not be trying to find the ways to prove the intuition of somepony… or more than one somepony… that has no idea what they are talking about!!”
That was then followed by an almost spot on analogy that really got everypony to laugh in the room. “It’s like a construction pony working for a foal and saying ‘My job is to build this home they designed to where it looks like this ice cream sundae, these two windows are also doors which is the size of the moon and a rabbit. Her intuitions are always right’. To which I would say ‘No they aren’t! You need to stop that foal right now before somepony gets bucking hurt’!!”
And around now, that was when Discord began to summarize his final main points. “So that is where we are at right now… We are dealing with a bunch of nobles who outright refuse to support a trade deal that they never read, being lead by a bunch of ponies in which they don’t exactly understand the mechanics of what exactly they’re talking about getting advice from somepony who’s the living equivalent of raging hate mail from your uncle… and the worst part about all of this is that they don’t realize that if they force this plan into place, the effects of this would cause the opposite of what they originally wanted. Because if you wanted to create jobs, you don’t do that by cutting off the markets and suppliers Equestrian businesses need.”
The spirit of chaos took a second to catch his breath before looking back at his audience. “So… I have two suggestions. First… when it comes to actually reading the deals, treat it as if it were a fully wrapped breakfast burrito. It could be stuffed with eggs, cheese, potatoes, peppers or there could be a dead mouse in there. But you have no right to complain about what's inside unless you actually bucking looked. And secondly… in the very least… if you don’t know any of the words that are inside it or what they mean… all you gotta do is ask the bucking question.”
Many ponies in the audience cheered in response to that, before looking back at his audience and pointing at the camera. “And now, on a much better note… this.”
And Now… Five things that we did or wanted to include this week that we unfortunately couldn’t fit or mention in this episode
Number one… After all the sh*tty stupidity that the Flim Flam Brothers get themselves into with the results of what happened at Friendship University, Discord and the staff at Last Week Tonight have legally changed their names to ‘Skim and Scam Bros’. Because hopefully, ponies will see that name and think twice about working with a pair of brothers who fight with each other… just as much as they come up with dumb schemes that barely work.
Number two… Peaks of Peril… something to stay away from or some kind of tourist attraction? I mean, hell, there’s a train station there… Nothing sounded that crazy or wrong than when they decided to put a petting zoo in tartarus. It only lasted for two days until all the sheep were devoured.
Number three… Isn’t it strange that the Kirin just use a silence potion to avoid dealing with their problems instead of just talking it out like decent people? Because there are a few ponies who would probably want to have such a potion if they want to avoid talking to their ex. Also, Rain Shine and Queen Novo look… oddly similar if you compare how tall they are.
Number four… Regarding Friendship University, the one thing that stood out was how Starswirl… Starswirl the Bearded… saw the school as legit. This guy was supposed to be the wisest mage in Equestria (aside from his scatterbrained younger years) and he just automatically believes it? If we did the Skim and Scam name change sooner, then maybe he would realize how bad they are at what they do.
Number five… Nobles act like they know a lot about trade, but they don’t even understand how it works all around. It’s like saying you know how to play Oubliette’s and Ogres, but you’ve never played even one game… and if you ask ‘what kind of experience do you actually have’, then let’s just say I’ve had a bit of fun as the dungeon master a few times… and no, not that kind of dungeon, you sick perverts!!
Next Morning...
“Um… Auntie? Why is there a large crowd on the other side of the castle?” Prince Blueblood asked that of Princess Celestia as she was just getting herself breakfast after raising the sun. Only to look out the window to see many of the same creatures that were once originally rioting because of species stereotypes… were now gathering for a different reason.
It was in support of the trade deal that she was wanting to propose to the other leaders… well… part of it anyways. “Stay out of our economy, Rhino lady!!!”
“What did you just call me, you little insect!?”
“Watch your mouth!! That’s racist!!!”
That… made Celestia realize what was going on… and more to the point, groan as she took her food to her room, closed the door… and shouted out in the royal canterlot voice. “DISCORD!!!”