//------------------------------//
// Chapter Five - The Not-So-Great Train Robbery 
// Story: Princess Celestia and Nightmare Moon Team up to Save Everyone 
// by Codex Ex Equus 
//------------------------------//

Despite the need to travel undercover, Celestia had been unable to resist the urge to splurge and had bought tickets for a private room in one of the passenger cars. She had, however, decided to pass on the first-class car, and while she might miss her usual cake service, this room was pleasantly lived-in. The carpet and seats might be a bit threadbare, but they were worn and comfortable. She actually didn't miss the first-class room decorations at all; she got enough marble columns, inlaid gold filigree, and silk everything in her palace.

As they waited for the rest of the passengers to board, there was silence in the small compartment. Aside from the loud chewing and gulping sounds coming from Nightmare Moon, that was.

"This food is pleasing," she admitted grudgingly, taking another loud swallow. "It makes for a fitting repast, at the least. What did you say it was called?"

"Uh, fruit snacks," answered Ka-klack.

"Hmm." 

Nightmare Moon shook the last few pieces of gummied fruit out of their foil packaging and onto her hoof, then frowned as she inspected them. Most of the snacks were shaped like gems with six sides, in a variety of colors. There were also a few pieces that were larger, six-pointed gems in the form of a starburst. There was something about those shapes she didn't like… but they were delicious, and that was all that mattered, so she popped the last hoofful into her mouth and chewed noisily.

"Those 'fruit snacks' are most delicious," Nightmare declared after her last swallow, crumpling up the package and throwing it at Ka-klack. "I would have more of them."

Ka-klack inspected the box of snacks, and the pile of empty packages on the seat next to her. "I think you've had enough," she said, moving the box back behind her body.

"Excuse me?" Nightmare Moon stared at Ka-klack, eyes wide, jaw slack. "You are refusing me that which I have asked for? You insolent little insect! If you don't give me more this instant, I will rend you apart! I will visit such horrors upon you that you will beg me to put an end to your pathetic existence!"

"I'm sorry, but you can't have any more," Ka-klack said with a shake of her head. "They're supposed to be snacks, not a full meal."

"You…" Power began to crackle along the little unicorn's horn, but before she could even begin to make good on her threats, laughter rang out in the compartment.

"Oh, yes, Ka-klack!" chortled Celestia. "Unless you wish to suffer the fearsome wrath of Nightmare Moon, you will give her… the fruit snacks! Wooooo!" She began waving her hooves around, continuing to make mocking sounds.

Nightmare Moon stared at Celestia, raw hatred on her face, then finally sat back. "Hmph," she grumbled, letting the magic fade from her horn. "I suppose you may have a point. I will leave the snacks… for now. But keep them close by; I will desire them later."

"I really wish you'd stop antagonizing her," sigh Shining Armor from next to Celestia, rubbing his forehead with one hoof.

"Me antagonize her?!" Celestia threw her hooves out towards Nightmare Moon. "She's the worst villain Equestria's ever seen! She's the bad guy! She is literally an antagonist!"

"Oh, why, thank you," said Nightmare Moon proudly, a smirk on her face as she basked in what she imagined to be praise.

"What if we all just sit quietly, okay?" Shining Armor asked, nearly pleading. "It's a long trip to Appleloosa, and it's going to be even longer if we're just arguing the whole time."

"The trip length does concern me," said Nightmare, looking around the small compartment. "Where shall we be sleeping during the next few days?"

"Days?" Ka-klack looked over at Nightmare, furrowing her brow. "It takes a few hours, at the most. We should be there this afternoon."

"You jest!" declared Nightmare Moon hotly. "I will not fall for your attempts to make me look like a fool."

"I'm… not trying to fool you?" said Ka-klack warily. "That's just how long the trip takes by train."

"There is no possible way this hunk of metal can move at such speeds," argued Nightmare. "Do not think to mock me with such obvious lies."

A loud whistle echoed from the front of the train, and Ka-klack shrugged. "Well, we're about to get moving, so you'll see soon enough."

"Hmph." 

Nightmare Moon looked ready to continue the argument, but her curiosity got the better of her, and she leaned forward to press her face against the window.

Steam billowed out from the engine, washing over the platform and the few ponies left on it who were still waving farewell to their loved ones on the train. Slowly, almost struggling, the train pulled out of the station, gradually gathering speed as it got underway.

"So long," muttered Nightmare as she watched Ponyville pass by. "You know, I think coming to this town was the worst mistake I ever made."

She continued to gaze out the window as the town gave way to the countryside, but the faster the train went, the more she began to fidget, until finally she turned to the other ponies in the carriage.

"Hey," she said, eyes wide and nervous. "I think there's something wrong with this train. I-it's out of control!"

"Hmm?" Celestia raised her head from a newspaper, glancing first at Nightmare Moon and then the window, where the plains were rolling pleasantly by. "What are you talking about?"

"The train! They've lost control of it or something!" insisted Nightmare. "We're going too fast!"

Celestia glanced out the window again, then sneered at Nightmare. "Pffft," she said, raising her paper again.

"You… this is some plot to kill me, isn't it?! You intend to crash this train, relying on your guard to protect yourself and the bug while leaving me to die! That's what this is, isn't it?!"

"Everything's fine, Nightmare Moon," said Shining Armor nervously, trying to sooth the panicking embodiment of darkness. "Trains go this fast. In fact, we're not even up to cruising speed yet. The freight trains actually go even faster, because they don't have to worry about how comfortable passengers are. And we're on rails, so the train couldn't even crash if we wanted it to."

"You're lying!" shrieked Nightmare Moon, leaping from her seat to stomp on the floor. "Where is the pilot of this contraption?! I will force him to stop!"

"Or... " Shining Armor grabbed the window shade in his magic, gently pulling it down to cover the view outside. "We can just not look. There, see? Everything's better."

Nightmare Moon glared at him, but Ka-klack's indifference, along with Celestia's sneering and sniggering, made her hesitate. Looking around suspiciously, she slowly moved back into her seat, trying to appear nonchalant. The fact that she still jumped every time the train rocked slightly or went over a small bump gave her away, though, and Celestia's giggles when it happened only made Nightmare more and more furious.







The first part of the trip passed quickly. Celestia and Shining Armor spent their time reading the newspaper, and discussing the loss of their loved ones in low tones. Ka-klack brought out a pack of playing cards, and in a stunning display of naivety took Nightmare Moon at her word that she had never heard of poker. The changeling had also fallen for Nightmare's seemingly-innocent suggestion that they use fruit snacks as chips, and now the small unicorn was gorging herself upon her winnings.

"For a race that depends on subterfuge, you sure are gullible," observed Nightmare Moon through a full mouth.

"I was trying to be nice to you," grumbled Ka-klack, sitting with her forelegs crossed.

"Ha! Well, then you've learned something today," Nightmare said smugly. "Being nice gets you nowhere."

Ka-klack just let out a snort, and Nightmare looked over at her for a moment, then sighed. "Look, I don't want you to think I'm ungrateful," she said, putting a hoof on the changeling's shoulder. "I promise, I will do you a favor in return."

"Really?" asked Ka-klack, looking at her with hopeful eyes.

"Yes. When the time comes, I will ensure your death is swift, unlike the end my sister shall suffer."

Ka-klack groaned, and now it was Celestia's turn to snort. "If you're trying to eat, that's a dry well," she told the changeling flatly.

"The only reason it's empty is because somepony drank all the water without giving any in return," shot back Nightmare heatedly.

They glared at each other, the tension in the room ratcheting up, until the standoff was broken by a sharp report from the other end of the train car.

All four looked at each other, confusion on their face.

"Was… that a gunshot?" asked Shining Armor finally.

"It's been a long time since I've heard one, but it sure did sound like it," Ka-klack replied.

"Impossible," insisted Celestia. "I banned all guns from Equestria even before Luna was banished. There's no way—"

A fusillade of shots interrupted her.

"Okay, maybe it was a gunshot," she admitted with chagrin.

"Gunshots?" Nightmare Moon suddenly perked up, eyes wide and mouth snarling. "Is this a robbery? On my train? Someone is trying to hurt my ponies?!"

"No!" cried Celestia. "Don't you—"

Her protests were futile. Nightmare Moon burst into a shadowy mist, swirling around the room before streaming out through every available crack.

"That… was bad, wasn't it?" asked Shining Armor after a moment.

"For the robbers, maybe," sighed Celestia, leaping from her seat. "Who are still ponies under my rule, and deserve to face justice, not… whatever Nightmare will do to them. Come on, we need to put a stop to this before—"

The door slid open under her hoof, to reveal a large gun pointed straight at her face. The pony behind it, a large, rough looking earth pony, shook his head and made a tsk-tsk sound.

"Now, now, none of that," he said, gesturing with the gun. "Back in the compartment, the lot of you. We'll be coming around to take your valuables soon enough, there's no need to try jumping in line—"

He stopped, suddenly realizing he was staring down the barrel of his own gun, which was now in the hooves of Celestia.

"Good news," she called back over her shoulder. "It looks like this thing is an antique. They must have just found a cache of them somewhere, maybe in the attic of someone's grandfather. We won't have to go looking for illegal underground gun manufacturers after all."

She turned the gun back and forth in her hooves, inspecting it with an expression of interest on her face. The butt of the stock was a curved section of wood that fit against her chest. Her foreleg rested comfortably in a metal tube that ran parallel to the barrel of the gun, holding it up and letting her aim while leaving her hoof free to press the trigger plate.

"This is a Stronghoof, isn't it?" she asked admiringly. "He always made some of the best firearms of the time. Of course, he was a bit miffed when he had to start building farm machinery instead, but he knew it was for the best."

Her leg suddenly snapped up, pointing the gun straight at the robber pony's forehead, and she fired. With a thump, the pony fell to the floor amid a shower of broken glass from the window behind him.

Celestia shook her head. "The only real flaw he had was he never seemed able to make sights that were a hundred percent accurate. They were always slightly offcenter."

She threw the gun over her shoulder to Shining Armor, who, after a moment of juggling, managed to get a firm hold on it. Grabbing the shoulders of the shaking robber—who now had a rather singed hairdo on the right side of his head—she slung him into the compartment and closed the door.

"Now, what should we do with you…" Celestia chuckled sinisterly, as the robber cowered in one corner of the room and was surrounded by the other three ponies.

"Oh, I have an idea." 

There was a flash of green fire and suddenly a changeling was staring the robber in the face.

"I need to eat after all!" Ka-klack snarled, and snapped his fangs shut an inch away from the muzzle of the robber, who promptly fainted.

"Excellent work, Ka-klack, that will…" Celestia trailed off, as the changeling began to siphon a green mist from the robber's head. "Um. Is that really necessary?"

"It will make sure he sleeps for a few hours," replied Ka-klack, changing back into her pony disguise. "And I was actually hungry. I can put him in a cocoon too, if you want!"

"Um. No, no, this is fine," Celestia assured the eager changeling.

"We need to find the rest of these scumbags and make sure they don't hurt anypony," said Shining Armor, face set grimly, "and make sure Nightmare doesn't hurt them either. Where do you want to start?"

"I figure we can just follow the sounds of screaming," replied Celestia dryly, cocking an ear towards the part of the train the gunshots had originally come from. There was the sudden sound of a massive explosion, muted by distance and the train car walls. "We should also probably head for whatever that was. I'll go on point, you stay a car back as I clear things to make sure I got them all."

"I'm not a big fan of that plan," muttered Shining Armor, and Celestia giggled.

"While I know your job is to protect me, you know that it takes more than a bullet to hurt me. And in any case, they'll be so shocked to see a Princess that they won't even get a chance to do anything."

She dropped her disguise, blossoming into her full glory with a blaze of golden light. Then she looked back at Ka-klack and Shining Armor, who had been flung into the sides of the compartment when it had suddenly become filled with more pony than it could comfortably contain.

"Sorry about that."







The first car went fine. There was one robber keeping an eye on things, but unfortunately for him, he was keeping that eye on the wrong door. Celestia manifested more of her alicorn power than she usually did, gliding silently down the corridor just above the carpet with her wings barely twitching. As she alighted silently onto the floor behind him, she used a gentle application of her magic to take hold of the trigger mechanism of the robber's gun, then placed her mouth very carefully next to his ear.

"Boo."

The robber's hoof clamped down on the trigger as he whirled around in surprise, but her magic prevented the gun from firing, and he finished his spin with Celestia's hoof on the side of his head and crashed to the ground.

"Really?" asked Shining Armor, trotting up behind her. "I've seen you hit Luna with a sleep spell from halfway across the gardens."

"Heh. That taught her not to slip a fake moustache onto my muzzle just before day court."

"The point is, you didn't need to do any of that. You could have taken him out with getting into hoof-to-hoof range."

"Oh, let me have my fun." She gave a nod of her head, indicating her side of the train car. "I'll take this side, you take the other. Make sure everypony is calm and knows they're safe now."

Celestia moved quickly down her side, assuring ponies that everything was under control. It was hard to do so quickly, as she wanted to spend more time calming her ponies down—and, truth be told, she did enjoy basking in their praise as they thanked her (only because she was happy to be doing her duty, of course)—but she tried to force herself to keep moving.

She did so—significantly faster than Shining Armor—and trotted through the door into the next car.

In deference to her captain's wishes, she struck the robber directly in front of her in the chest with a stunner spell. As he went down, however, a second robber further up the car was revealed. And this one was also staring right at her.

With a curse, she snapped her head to the side, touching her glowing horn to the car walls and isolating all sound to this one corridor. As she did, the thug at the other end finished raising his gun and fired. Which, all things considered—especially considering that he had to have known he was firing at a Princess—was a monumentally stupid thing to do.

Grunting, Celestia caught the heavy slug in her magic just before it struck her in the neck. A piece of luck, that; she never would have been able to get Shining Armor off her back if he'd come along and found her on the floor bleeding out of her jugular and waiting for the hole to heal itself closed.

Casually, she used her magic to send the bullet zipping back down the corridor, though with much less force than it had had on the initial trip. It struck the robber pony directly between the eyes, and he flipped over onto his back, crashing to the floor and sliding several feet before coming to a stop.

"Whew!" Celestia let out a small breath of relief as she surveyed the now-peaceful corridor.

"You know, you're lucky," she said to the guard who'd fired at her. "Technically, what you just did was attempted regicide. But since it was just between us, I think I can let it slide."

Moving back down to where she'd first entered the train car, she carefully slid the door open.

"Hello there, I just want to let you know—"

Celestia stopped, staring at the scene before her. The two ponies entwined on the seat stared back.

"Oh. Um. Oh my. You two seem, um, busy, so… hey, I took care of those robbers… um, nothing to fear… I'll just leave you alone now, yes?"

Blushing, she quickly closed the door, then stood there staring at it for a moment. Walking stiffly, she made her way to the next compartment.

"I hope you weren't too upset by these events, my little ponies—" She slammed the door closed this time, face going red, and hurriedly moved on.

"I was—oh! E-Excuse me." Door slam.

"There's nothing to fear—I apologize for interrupting." Door slam.

"The robbers have—pardon me." Door slam.

"I—sorry for disturbing you, ma'am. Sir. Sir. Ma'am. Sir. And Ma'am." Door slam.

By the time Shining Armor caught up, she had gone through every compartment in the car, and was now wore a deep blush and was shaking slightly.

"Everything clear here?" he asked, eyes drawn, as if by some sixth sense, to the robber who'd shot at her.

"Y-yes Shining Armor, I was just… that is, I've finished checking…" She trailed off, gesturing uselessly at the compartment doors.

"Is something wrong?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow at her.

"Yes… no… it's just, I walked in on some ponies who were… um, engaged with each other…"

"Oh." Shining Armor averted his eyes, giving a little cough, then chuckled. "I saw the same once or twice back there. It happens in high-stress situations. Plus, this is a long trip, and some ponies like to… pass the time."

"Yes, but… all of them? Every single pony in this car?" Shining Armor cast a considering eye at the doors, eyebrows rising, before Celestia continued. "Shining Armor… is this a sex train?"

"A sex… Princess, those aren't real—"

"Don't you lie to me, guard captain!" Celestia pointed a shaking hoof at Shining Armor. "Did I take a changeling and my nephew-in-law—oh Goddess, and Nightmare Moon—on some sort of perverted train cruise?!"

"Celestia, that's just an urban legend. There are no train trips you can buy like that."

"There are! I've read about them in the newspapers!"

Shining Armor sighed, putting a hoof to his head. "Alright, I'm going to have the Royal Guard review exactly what you've been reading when we get back to the castle. In the meantime, I can assure you that this is not a train booked for... bedroom adventures. I… double checked to make sure it wasn't before I bought the tickets, okay? Please, let's just keep moving and discuss this later."

Celestia glared at him for a moment longer, then closed her eyes, took a deep breath and nodded. Turning to the door to the next car, she gave it a considering look.

"I think this is going to be the last car," she said after thinking things over for a moment. "That blast we heard, and that initial round of gunfire, came from about this many cars ahead. That means Nightmare Moon is most likely in there… but I don't hear anything."

"Definitely ominous," agreed Shining Armor. "Well, after you, your highness."

She turned back to him, lips pursed and eyes narrowed as she gave him a look, and he shrugged. "That was your plan, wasn't it?"

Celestia stared at him for a moment longer, then gave a whinny of amusement and faced the door once more. After a pause to take a breath, she burst through it.

She immediately blanched and stumbled to halt as she took in what had once been the dining car, her hair suddenly whipping in a fierce gale.

From roughly the height of a pony up, the walls of the car were gone, along with the roof, no doubt annihilated by that explosion they'd heard earlier. Civilian ponies cowered under dining tables and behind chairs amid the wreckage. One robber lay against a wall, what was most likely both his gun and the instrument that had incapacitated him broken on the floor next to his slumped form. Another lay draped across a chair. And a third was currently in the air, suspended by Nightmare Moon's armored hoof as she hovered above the floor of the train car.

"Criminal scum!" she snarled at the pony. "You seek only to enrich yourself, not caring a whit for the ponies you prey on. They call me a monster, but you? You aren't worth calling anything, because you are less than nothing."

"Put him down!" shouted Celestia, raising her voice to be heard over the rushing wind.

Nightmare Moon turned her blazing eyes to Celestia, gazing at her for a few seconds. Then, without breaking eye contact, she threw her foreleg to the side, flinging the hapless robber from the train. He hit the canopy of a tree, and his scream faded into the distance as the train rushed on.

"Bah!" declared Nightmare loudly, descending to the floor. "These degenerates aren't worth my time anyway."

She trotted over to an overturned table, moving it aside to reveal the ponies that had sought cover behind it. It was a small pegasus family, two parents and a child.

"It is safe now, fair citizens," she said, holding her hoof out to them.

They scrambled back, pushing themselves across the floor to the wall of the train car, the mother clutching her young filly to her chest.

"No, it's okay!" cried Nightmare Moon, concern on her face, taking a few steps forward. "Please, there is nothing to fear!"

The ponies just cringed back again, and Nightmare turned away in confusion, seeking out another hiding pony.

"Please—" she managed to say, before this pony galloped away, diving behind a different table. "I don't understand. I helped you! I am your savior!" 

Nightmare Moon looked around the dining car. As her gaze swept the wreckage, ponies shied away, or cowered in their hiding spots, or in some cases even attempted to flee the car. She held out her hoof imploringly to one group of diners, and they flinched back like somepony had just lowered at spear at them.

"I defeated your enemies! I saved you all! ADORE ME!" she bellowed, stomping her hoof, and lightning flashed across the sunny, cloudless sky, followed by a rumble of thunder.

"Okay, good work saving everypony," said Celestia, trotting forward to put a calming—and warning—hoof on the shoulder of the heavily-breathing Nightmare. "You should all be thankful to Luna for helping to subdue these robbers, even if she may have gotten a little carried away and taken the form of Nightmare Moon. By accident. Because she cares about you all so much."

There were murmurs from the ponies that sounded at least a little understanding, and Celestia took that opportunity to drag Nightmare back out of the car.

"Change back into your disguise, you fool," she hissed, doing so herself.

Head down, not even acknowledging the insult, Nightmare Moon disguised herself with barely a flash of light to mark the transition. She never looked up, not when Shining Armor met them to return to their car, nor when they passed a group of security ponies rushing past. Back in their compartment, she curled up in her seat, facing the back, and didn't say a word for the rest of the trip.