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// SciFi Was Better Before it Changed to SyFy 
// Story: I Blame You 
// by Whitestrake 
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	I'm not a fan of long, concrete hallways. You know the type, the ones with the too-bright florescent lights and no fucking doors until the end. Yeah, that described this one perfectly.

“Do you two remember when I told you about humans appearing here from time to time?” This better be related to the job, or I'm gonna be pissed. I'm not here for a history lesson, though I'd have loved one later.

“Of course, well, I do, anyway.” I can't quite recall if the princess ever told me, but it seemed that Jay knew what she meant.

“Wouldn't it make sense that they would bring things with them?” Of course it did, what kind of question was that?

“Tia, we came here with a Chevy Silverado and a knife. Items cross over when their owners do.” The alabaster alicorn shot me a mischievous glance in response, of course, she knew about my revolver, but that was our little secret.

“Following your logic, wouldn't it make sense to keep these items away from my little ponies?” Clever girl, she was leading Jay and I to a storage room full of items and things that once belonged to other humans that had found their way to Equestria. After walking for about forty minutes, which a long goddamn time to spend in dark corridors, we came to a set of steel doors. By doors, I mean blast doors, the sort you see in fallout shelters, damn things probably had lead inside them, too. With a push of magic, Celestia opened the way.

“Gentlemen, welcome to Marehouse Thirteen.” The princess had a grin on her face, time to put a stop to these shenanigans. I can appreciate a good joke, but a terrible one? Oh no, will not stand for it. I readied my Standard Teenage Response Cannon, something I almost never used. With a deep breath, and a prayer to prevent misfire, I launched my counterattack.

“Gaaaaaaaaay.” Both Jay and the pony looked at me as though I was insane.

“Dude, that was a solid reference.” How could he not see my hatred for the joke? Was he blind to the pain it caused me? Or had he taken sick pleasure in my torment? “What the hell is your problem?”

“It's a show about magical artifacts on SyFy, I liked that channel more when it actually showed decent horror and science fiction movies.” More of the I think you're crazy look from them.

“Moving on...” Princess Celestia knew that it wasn't good to stay on subjects that have a tendency to aggravate me, and she wisely changed the subject. With a cough to clear her throat, the alicorn flipped an oversized switch on a wall. Row after row of lights activated, illuminating the warehouse in dull light, it took about forty seconds for the ones at the far side to power on. Care to wager how big that would make this place?

The answer: Fucking huge.

“This warehouse contains every vehicle, book, device, and article of clothing that has come from Earth over the ages.” She wasn't joking, there were things that haven't existed since the... hold the fucking phone, I have a very serious question to ask.

“Do you have anything from the Library of Alexandria?” My curiosity isn't based on monetary gain, or anything like that. I genuinely wanted to see a scroll from the great library, one of my many goals in the field of academia.

“This is actually pretty embarrassing, but we haven't sorted though all of this.” The princess looked like she had been caught with her hoof in the cookie jar. She wore a sheepish smile, asking us to remain civil.

“There may have been something to send us home down here, and you didn't tell us?” I was surprised that Jay had the chance to speak before me, but, he was angrier than I was about the inaction Celestia had displayed. “What warranted that kind of secrecy? We've done nothing but cooperate since we arrived.”

“Jay, the princess and I know much more about my invention than you.” There was maybe a very slim chance of something helpful being down here, but barring experiments from Roswell, I was pretty sure that we were shit out of luck. “We'd need some crazy, alien technology to even attempt to recreate my FTL gun.”

“What about my laptop?” Was the band member still hung up on the damned thing? Jay really needed to know when to let shit lie.

“If we get back, I’ll build you a new one.” Though, returning home wasn't a guarantee at this point, even if we found both the FTL and the laptop, there was no certainty that we could open a wormhole back to our Earth.

“Well, moving on.” Celestia was wise to stop our bickering before it came to blows. “After the wedding, I want the two of you to categorize everything down here.”

“Why didn't you get one of the other humans to do this?” My inner laziness was preventing me from caring about what the alicorn wanted from me. I just wanted to do my job, get payed, then get back to Ponyville.

“Because, as unpredictable as you two are, I still trust you more than most other humans that I've met.” A flash of recognition crossed Jay's face, I think he knew more about something practical than I did. About damn time, too. “At least consider it, would you?”

I shrugged, which was my standard signal for yes. I’d put some thought into her offer.

@#@#@#@#@#@#

Isn't it amazing how huge a place can really be?

I'd never given the locations in Canterlot my full attention before, was there ever a dining room shown in the castle? Because there was one, and it would be used to store wedding gifts and the like until everything was said and done. Jay and I had been allotted three days to prepare ourselves, and I was using the time to familiarize myself with the castle grounds. Reception in the gardens, ceremony in the... I don't even know what the fuck that room could be called, and storage in the dining hall. I had the basic locations memorized, but navigating was a bit tricky, so say the least.

Shining Armor was actually a total bro, guy even invited me and Jay to his bachelor party.  Because of a general lack of clothing, I was more than curious about how pony strippers worked, but I had more important things to do than stare at the product of a horrible father. The bridesmaids had arrived yesterday, but I couldn't hang out with Lyra, because it was a security risk, Celestia's own words. When Caesar says do this it is performed swiftly, I suppose. Not that I thought the princess held her power over her subjects, I knew she just wanted to be thought of like anypony else, but she still held authority.

I wonder if Jay's having more fun than me right now.

@#@#@#@#@#@#

Jay Braden was lost. While the layout of a castle seemed like it would be simple, it seemed the ponies had never so much as heard of the term. It didn't help that the walls were nearly featureless, at least in the teen's mind, white marble was white marble. It wasn't until a small flash of pink, the sensation of light impact, and the curious tingle of magic, that he found someone else roaming the halls. Well, somepony, in any case.

A pink alicorn was sprawled on the floor, her mane askew and frazzled from the bump. In an odd moment of kindness, Jay was concerned.

“Oh, sorry.” The teen extended his hand to help the pony up, paying no mind to the obvious wings and horn combination. Of course, he thought that it may have been Princess Cadence, he'd seen the ads before coming to Equestria. Not like alicorns popped up when humans were involved with Equestria, or anything.

Much to the band member's surprise, his offered hand was swatted away.

“Just watch were you're going.” The bitchy, pink pony bumped into Jay as she left. There was that familiar fizzle of magic reacting to his presence, then nothing. Wow, talk about bridezilla. It was at that time that the human resolved to attend Shining Armor's bachelor party, give the guy one last big show before that she-devil sucked the life out of him. But, one thing struck Jay as odd as Cadence retreated through the halls.

“Did that bitch just ripple?”

$%$%$%$%$%$%

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Download it.
Play it.
Hate me for linking it to you.