//------------------------------// // It's not a Proper Simpsons Crossover Until Homer Gets Hurt // Story: Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga // by Barry the Brony //------------------------------// Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga By Barry the Brony Homer stirred slowly, roused by the chirping of birds outside the window as he yawned. Looking down, he smiled at the sight of Pinkie cuddled up against him, the ghost of a smile on her face as she had a secure but gentle grip on him. ‘Note to self, pony snuggles are best snuggles...well, except for Marge snuggles.’ Homer thought as he reached down and stroked her hair, causing her to give a soft coo. The tender moment was interrupted by an urgent signal from his bladder. ‘Uh-oh, gotta take a whiz. Aww but I’m so comfy, come on Simpson think. Think….thinkthinkthinkthink...yeah I better get up.’ Moving very slowly as to not disturb Pinkie, Homer slid out from under the covers. As the bed shifted Pinkie made a little whine like a dog and flailed her hooves around where Homer had been. Slipping a pillow between her arms, Homer gave a soft chuckle as Pinkie’s arms wrapped around it immediately settling down with a content noise. “Man I better be careful, if these guys get any cuter I’m gonna wind up having a heart attack...I mean, again.” It didn’t take Homer long to find Pinkie’s bathroom, and despite some initial concerns as to whether or not there would be any noticeable differences in design, the sight of the toilet sitting in the corner was like seeing an old cherished friend. As Homer took care of business, the novelty of the situation caused a big goofy smile to spread over his face. “I’m whizzing in an alternate universe...and I love it!" The moment was quickly spoiled however, by the sudden feeling that Homer was no longer alone. Homer turned his head, and found Gummy staring at him from atop the sink. This was peculiar for a number of reasons, the biggest being there had been no sign of the little alligator in the bathroom when Homer had entered, and he certainly would have heard if the door had opened. To Homer’s credit he didn’t scream, though he did tense up enough to briefly bring the sound of urination to a halt. Homer stared at Gummy, and Gummy stared right back at him neither of them moving a muscle. “Uh...occupied?” No response. “Ocupado?” Nothing. “Look pal seriously, I’m not putting on a show here.” Again, no reaction from Gummy. A bead of sweat ran down Homer’s head at the vacant yet oddly penetrating stare he was getting from the tiny reptile. Slowly, very slowly, Homer reached over and slid a box of tissues in front of Gummy breaking their line of sight with each other. When nothing happened after a few seconds, Homer allowed himself to relax and resumed his business. However when he finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands, Homer couldn’t help but notice that the little alligator had vanished as quickly as he had appeared. As Homer left the bathroom he peered over the railing and, sure enough, there was Gummy still laying on his rock. Homer just watched Gummy with a puzzled expression. ‘Huh, so can reptiles teleport around here or can they do that at home too and nobody bothered to tell me? Maybe I should start watching Animal Planet again when I get back.’ Deciding he wasn’t going to be solving this particular mystery anytime soon, Homer quietly walked down the stairs. As he brushed his hand against the cupcake that served as a banister post for the stairway however, he jerked back in surprise at the sound of a loud click. The cupcake began sinking into itself with the sound of machinery from inside. Homer’s initial thought was for some inexplicable reason he had just triggered a booby trap and a giant boulder was about to come hurling down the stairs after him, but what actually happened was just as unusual. He yelped as the stairs flattened turning into a ramp. “What the heeeeeyyaaaaaAAAHHHH!!!” Pinkie Pie was jostled from her sleep by the sound of Homer sliding down the stairs on his ass, letting out a rushed ‘HIPINKIEBYEPINKIE! Before he vanished into a trapdoor that opened up just before he could hit the floor. As it slid shut Pinkie cringed at the muffled sound of multiple crashes. “Oops, guess I forgot to warn him about the fun slide…” Meanwhile somewhere in the depths of the Bakery, Homer groaned as he rolled over and tried to see so much as an inch past his own face in the darkness surrounding him. “Oww...where the hell am I now?” Homer started to fumble through the dark with his hands in front of him. “Okay stay calm Homer, I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical reason why Pinkie has a secret room in her house that doesn’t involve the words ‘serial killer’ in it. Just gotta find the lights and...ah-ha!” Homer felt his hand brush over a lightswitch and flicked it on, wincing at the sudden illumination. When his eyes adjusted they widened at finding himself in a room that looked like it had been partially carved out of bedrock. Everywhere Homer looked he saw file cabinets, balloons, and crates upon crates of party supplies. Yet what drew his eye was what was sitting in the corner of the room. It looked like a clothes mannequin, more specifically one modeled after a pony’s proportions, wearing a sleek black outfit with a wide brimmed fedora, cloak and cowl. “Wait….caped black costume...hidden underground base...ability to appear and disappear without warning...my god it all makes sense now! Pinkie Pie is Batman!” Homer proclaimed clapping his hands to either side of his head in shock. “Whose Batman?” “MOTHER-” Homer managed to stifle himself before he could accidentally teach Pinkie Pie a new word as the little pink pony looked up at him from the crate she had popped up out of. “Jeez Pinkie how about a little warning? I only have one pair of pants right now.” “Oh, sorry Homer, I keep forgetting you’re not as used to me popping in and out as everyone else in Ponyville.” Pinkie hopped out of the crate and nuzzled his side with her head in apology, looking up at him with concern. “You okay?” “Eh, I’m fine Pinkie, not the first time I nearly wet myself and god knows it’s not gonna be the last.” Homer assured her giving her head a gentle pat. “So what is all this anyway?” “My Secret Underground Party Planning Cave.” Homer gave her a blank stare. “Aaaand you have one of those because?” “Well, where else am I going to secretly plan parties underground?” Pinkie Pie managed to ask this as though it was the most obvious thing in the world to have an entire underground cavern full of party supplies and files on everyone in town. Homer just stared off into space as he mulled this over. “...Huh, you got me there. Now what’s this over here?” He asked pointing to the costume in the corner. “Oh wow, my old Mare-Do-Well costume, I almost forgot I had this down here!” Pinkie hopped over and put her hooves on the box the mannequin was standing on as she looked up at the costume. “Funny story, you know Rainbow Dash right?” “The little pony with wings who looks like she’s got candy for hair and a tail?” Homer replied before a bit of input from his stomach briefly overrode his brain. “Mmmm….Skittles….” Pinkie Pie let out a gasp. “Oh my gosh that’s totally what I thought when I first saw her too!” She said in excitement before she gave an absolutely adorable huff. “Turns out her hair doesn’t taste anything like Skittles though. Also turns out you really shouldn’t chew on someone’s hair until you get to know them a little better…” “Anyway, Rainbow Dash was starting to get a little, well okay a lot carried away with having everyone telling her how awesome she is. She kept looking for ponies to save and disasters to fix for all the wrong reasons and even started trying to peddle her own catch phrases.” “So you dressed up as a costumed vigilante and showed her that a real hero lets his or her actions speak for themselves in selfless dedication to the benefit of others rather than self promotion?” “Exactly!” Pinkie said with an excited little hop before she paused and looked down at the ground with a puzzled look. “At least I think that’s what we were going for, looking back the whole thing seemed a lot more complicated than it needed to be…” “Pfft, Pinkie, let me tell you something, spending your entire life thinking your mother was dead only to find out she went underground to escape the law after destroying a corrupt business tycoon’s germ warfare research? That was complicated...also emotionally exhausting.” Pinkie just stared up at Homer with eyes the size of dinner plates. “...Wow. You sure you don’t need like, a gazillion hugs and a couple musical numbers? Seriously I can clear my schedule for a few days if you want to get started.” “Aww, that’s sweet of you kiddo, but I think I’ll be okay.” Homer said tussling her mane making Pinkie giggle. Suddenly he caught a whiff of something and straightened up sniffing the air. “Hey you smell something?” “Wait I’m confused, I thought you said you didn’t wet your pants.” “Not that kind of smell!” “Wait...hang on, think I’ve got something too.” Homer and Pinkie started sniffing the air before they let out simultaneous gasps. “PANCAKES!!” In the kitchen of Sugarcube Corner, Mr. Cake was flipping pancakes while his wife tucked the twins into their highchairs when he paused and cocked an ear at the sound of something rummaging behind the walls. Giving a small sigh he set down the spatula for a moment and followed the sound of rummaging and a muffled, albeit familiar, squeaky voice. “Some ponies have mice, some ponies have bats, we have…” He knocked on part of the wall and when it clearly felt off he swung it open. “Pinkie Pie.” “Morning Mister Cake, ooh breakfast smells good!” Pinkie said as she poked her head out of the wall. While Pinkie had long since made her patented Pinkie Promise not to compromise the structural integrity of the house, it was always disconcerting to find a new tunnel or mechanism leading to and from her ‘secret’ party planning cave that hadn’t been there the day before. “Well your timing is perfect dear, we were just about to call for you and Homer to come down,” Mrs. Cake said as she finished tying a bib around Pound’s neck. “Where is Homer anyway?” “Oh he’s right behind me! Come on Homer we’re just in time!” While Pinkie popped out of the hole in the wall without any problems, the Cakes exchanged looks of concern as they heard Homer start to grunt behind the wall. “Pinkie are you sure Homer’s going to be able to-” But Homer was already trying to squeeze his way through a passage meant for a much smaller creature and before Mr. Cake could even finish his sentence Homer’s determined wriggling abruptly came to a stop halfway through. “Uh...guys? I might need a little help.” “Oh bother,” Mr Cake sighed. “Pinkie, mind giving me a hoof?” With Pinkie Pie on one side of Homer and Mr. Cake on the other, they each took hold of one of his arms and started to pull as hard as they could. Outside the bakery, Twilight and Spike were fast approaching and, to the surprise of nobody at all, Twilight was already deep in thought. “Just think Spike, with a little cross cultural comparison between our world and Homer’s, we could discover completely new avenues of research for everything from energy to medicine to literature!” “And you think we’re going to get all of that from a guy who's scared to death of sock puppets because…?” It wasn’t that Spike didn’t like Homer, but he was worried Twilight was building him up to be this miraculous bridge between dimensions instead of what had to be someone with the best/worst luck imaginable. Before she could offer a rebuttal Twilight’s ears pricked up as she caught a snatch of conversation from the other side of a window in the bakery. “-most got him through, we just need a few more sticks!” Came Pinkie’s voice. “We’d be done by now if he didn’t keep eating it.” Mr. Cake followed up with a bit of irritation in his voice. “Well excuse me for appreciating quality dairy products even at the inconvenience of myself and those around me.” Came Homer’s reply. “We’ll be sure to pass your compliments along to Applejack dear but right now we need you to suck in your gut. Ready? On three.” Came a third voice, likely Mrs. Cake. Twilight and her Number One Assistant exchanged looks of equal bewilderment as this was followed by the sound of three earth ponies audibly straining. The next thing they heard was a sound not unlike a cork popping out of a bottle followed by a scream. As the screaming grew louder Twilight’s eyes widened as she had just enough time to recognize the Doppler Effect in action to grab Spike and dive for cover. A second later Homer came crashing through the cozy little bakery window like a stunt double in a Michael Bay remake of the Keebler Elf commercials. Homer hit the ground hard with a crunching noise, wearing a nice even coating of broken glass and butter as he rolled over onto his back with a groan. “Ohhh yeah, nothing like a little adrenaline to wake you right up...oh good morning Twilight.” Twilight and Spike just stood there for a few seconds staring before Spike broke the silence first. “...So is learning how to break a window with your face one of the things you were hoping he could teach us?” “Well, the trick is to try and go limp right at the moment of impact but other then that it’s not nearly as hard as it looks.” Homer replied as Spike’s attempt at sarcasm went so far over his head it achieved orbit. Twilight kept staring for a few seconds before she closed her eyes, took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Okay, so, couple things in order. First, good morning Homer. Second, Spike I do believe we’ve talked about the importance of thinking before you speak, and finally what the BUCK just happened?!” “Well funny story, I got stuck in one of Pinkie’s holes and Mr and Mrs. Cake needed to lube me up with butter to pull me out, but I guess they pulled a little too hard and so I went clear through the window.” Twilight’s left eye was now sporting a noticeable twitch. “PINKIE PIE!” “Oh my gosh is everyone okay?!” Pinkie poked her head as far out the window as she could without running the risk of cutting herself on the glass still in the frame. As if the situation wasn’t already surreal enough, the little earth pony was wearing a bicycle helmet and enveloped in bubble wrap. Then to Twilight’s disbelief, Homer slowly sat up and dusted himself off as if nothing was wrong. “Eh, on a scale one to ten I’d give that a three tops, nothing a couple bandaids won’t fix.” Twilight looked at Homer, then up at Pinkie, then back down at Homer before looking back up at her as if unsure who to direct her questions at now. “How are you...Why is she...what...okay, will someone please tell me what’s going on?” “Did you tell her about getting stuck in my hole?” Pinkie asked oblivious as to just how much worse this question was making the twitch in Twilight’s eye get. “Yup.” “And the part where we had to use butter to grease you up?” “Yup.” “You told her about how Mr. and Mrs. Cake helped pull you out?” “Yup.” “She saw the part where you went through the window right?” “Pretty sure yeah.” “Then...what part didn’t you get the first time Twilight?” Pinkie tilted her head looking a little puzzled. “You sure you’re okay? Your face is twitching like my tail on a rainy day.” “Wait...oh crap are the little baby ponies okay?!” Homer shot up to his feet in alarm apparently more concerned as to whether anyone other than himself had been riddled with broken glass. “Oh don’t worry Homer, Pinkie Pie ah, took charge of the situation.” Came Mrs. Cakes’ voice from inside the bakery. Looking Homer and Twilight were treated to the site of not only Mr. and Mrs. Cake, but even the twins all dressed in similar attires of bubble wrap and safety helmets. “We heard the window break and everything suddenly turned into a pink blur.” Mr. Cake said waddling over to a closet to pull out a broom in his mouth. “I don’t even think Homer had hit the ground before we were all wearing, whatever these are supposed to be.” “Oh that’s a few rolls from my Emergency Bubble Wrap Stash along with a couple helmets from my Emergency Roller Skating Stash. When you’ve got as many stashes tucked away as I do, it’s pretty easy to pick and choose what you need for the situation.” Pinkie Pie explained. Twilight just...stared as if her brain was having trouble deciding what she should be flipping out about first. Finally she turned to Spike who had been sitting cross legged on the grass and enjoying every second of the bedlam. “...Spike I need you to slap me so I know if I’m dreaming.” Spike was likely supposed to outright refuse, maybe even express equal parts shock and horror at the idea of inflicting harm on a pony who was for all intents and purposes an older sibling. Instead, he simply shrugged, said “Okay.” and swatted her on the nose like a misbehaving dog. “Ow!” Twilight yelped as she scrunched up her nose. “Jeez, you could have at least pretended to hesitate.” She said with a huff. “Yeah sorry, I may have been waiting for that opportunity ever since you left me on a melting block of ice in the middle of a lake our first Winter Wrap-Up.” Spike may have been trying not to look pleased with himself, but he clearly wasn’t trying very hard.