//------------------------------// // Says It All About Diamond Dogs Really // Story: Life is a Test: A Series of Pony Logic Puzzles // by Brony_of_Brody //------------------------------// At the heart of the throne room in Princess Twilight Sparkle's Castle, there is the Cutie Map: a holographic image of a map created by the six gemstones embedded in the thrones of her friends. With magic not even Twilight could fully understand, it seemed to be able to detect places where there was unrest: friendship-related problems to solve, if you will, and it would assign one or more of the six friends to go to wherever the map glowed and solve that problem. For other reasons Twilight couldn't understand either,it was never to solve the problem before it happened, just in time to stop a village catching on fire, or while things escalated to a potential feud. They were never given anything simple. Certainly not anything so simple it couldn't possibly be screwed up. It was on one such morning that Rarity and Rainbow Dash had been called to the throne room. They knew when they were needed as their cutie marks would always glow at the same time as the map's chosen. Rainbow Dash and Rarity both stared at the glowing Cutie Map with interest. "This one's pretty close to home," Rainbow remarked. "Indeed," Rarity nodded. "If I'm not mistaken, it's glowing around the area of the quarry I regularly visit to obtain more gems." "The same one where you got mare-napped?" Rainbow asked. "Except not really?" "Looks like it," Twilight turned to the pair. "Still, it doesn't matter where the cutie map indicated, a friendship problem is a friendship problem. And it falls to you to see it solved!" "Oh, I suppose so," Rarity sighed. "We help everybody, yes? Still, if it has anything to do with those absolute ruffians known as the Diamond Dogs, rest assured I will have a few choice words to say to them when we meet again!" "C'mon, Rarity," Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "Maybe they won't be the same Diamond Dogs. Maybe those three were just jerks even for them. It would take a really stupid coincidence for it to be them again..." - "AAAAAAAAARGH! It's YOU! WHY ARE YOU HERE, SHE-DEMON!?" Rarity stared at the panicking Diamond Dog Rarity vaguely remembered being called 'Rover'. "Well, Rainbow, it's been one contrived coincidence after another for us lately." "Yeah..." Rainbow stared, amazed. Rarity's marenapping was some years ago, but it would seem even the less-than-intelligent Diamond Dogs could at least remember what they considered important. "Guess a warm welcome's out." "Yes. Although admittedly, that reaction DOES put a smile on my face," Rarity smirked. She took a sharp breath, mentally preparing herself for the grime and dampness of the caves. "Well, might as well see what they want, I suppose." The pair made their way down into the darkness. Rainbow soon found herself feeling uncomfortable. The caves barely afforded any room to fly, and she could feel droplets of water occasionally hitting her back. It was also not very well-lit, but at least she could see Rarity in front of her. Rarity, meanwhile, had elected to wear a fashionable white raincoat into the caves, complete with a lantern. She'd offered the same to Rainbow, but she blew it off, saying it couldn't be as Rarity sounded. She was now starting to at least want a raincoat now. "NO SHARING!" A loud voice at the end of the tunnel Rainbow and Rarity were traversing rung out. Quickly, the pair trotted to the light at the end, and were greeting by a frankly overwhelming sight. There, in the centre of the large cavern. was an enormous pile of diamonds, reaching up to the ceiling. On top of that was what appeared to be some sort of throne, with a brown and rather unkempt-looking Diamond Dog sitting in what was an attempt at being regal. Rarity found the effect somewhat underwhelming. Surrounding the pile were several Diamond Dogs, two of whom Rarity recognised as her marenappers Fido and Spot (what another contrived coincidence), appearing to beg the Diamond Dog at the top of the pile for just one gem. Spot turned to the pair. Spotting Rarity, instantly, his face went white. "AAAAAAAAARGH! It's YOU! WHY ARE YOU HERE, SHE-DEMON!?" "Wow, this cave must have one heck of an echo," Rainbow dryly noted. "Look, we're not here for you. I don't think. We heard there was a problem and we came calling, that's all." "Problem?" Fido trotted up to them. "Barky won't give us just one shiny gem! He just makes up dig them up and then won't give us any for all his hard work!" "Fido!" shouted Spot, pulling Fido to one side. "Why are you talking to the white pony!? She's evil!" "But Spot!" said Fido. "Maybe the white pony can make Barky give us just one gem. Her whining... and complaining...and screeching...if she could be turned..." "I DO have other personality traits worth mentioning, you know!" Rarity protested from afar. After a few minutes, they both finally agreed to give it a shot. "Okay, pony..." "In case you curs have forgotten, it's MISS, Rarity, or Miss Rarity," she said without missing a beat. "Miss Rarity," Spot said, at least having the good sense to look ashamed, "please make Barky give the rest of us Diamond Dogs just one shiny gem!" "Well..." Rarity said, putting a hoof to her chin in thought, "...oh, go on, then. You DID say please, after all. Come, Rainbow." The pair trotted up to the ridiculously tall pile of diamonds. Not wanting to suffer any neck strain talking up to Barky, Rainbow picked up Rarity and flew to the top. Rainbow decided to get the train of conversation rolling first. "Uh, excuse me, dude, but it sounds like these guys down there could be spared a gem or two..." "NO SHARING!" shouted Barky. "And why not?" protested Rarity. "Sharing stupid." Barky nodded. "They want equal pay, but this pile can't be shared equally. Ever." "What do you mean, they couldn't be shared equally?" Rainbow asked. "Ten Diamond dogs dug these diamonds up," Barky explained. "But when we tried to share them equal, we were one diamond short. Dog with one diamond short attacked Barky, so Barky banished him from caves. "The next day we tried dividing diamonds into nine. But we were still a diamond short. Dog with one diamond short attacked Barky, so Barky banished him from caves. "The next day we tried dividing diamonds into eight. But we were still a diamond short. Dog with one diamond short attacked Barky, so Barky banished him from caves. "The next day we tried dividing diamonds into seven. But we were still a diamond short. Dog with one diamond short attacked Barky..." "...So you banished him from the caves, right?" Rainbow asked. Barky nodded. "Are you serious?" Rainbow's mouth hung open, amazed at how all the dogs involved could be so unbelievably stupid. "Did the rest of them just not get it? At ALL?" "To be fair, it is keeping entirely with what I remember about Diamond Dogs," Rarity said dryly. Rarity and Rainbow continued to listen to Barky's story with increasing amazement and incredulousness of the sheer idiocy of Diamond Dogs, until finally... "...The next day we tried dividing diamonds into two. But we were still a diamond short. Dog with one diamond short attacked Barky, so Barky banished him from caves. And now only Barky has all the diamonds. That's why NO SHARING! Sharing dumb. Doesn't work." While the tale was being spun, Rarity was already crunching several numbers in her head in an attempt to drown out the gravelly and frankly grating voice of the Diamond Dog king. She was no closer to devising a resolution to this friendship problem, if one could call it that. But she did at least know how many gems there were in the large pile Barky was sitting on.