Most of the students, though they had been aboard In Need of Beaning for months, were happy to be back in Ponyville. Many had grown up in the area. Whatever, I guess we’ll call it spring break and have a vacation.
Since we had a couple days in Ponyville, Trixie went back to performing her schtick of tricky tricks at the Tricky Dick.
I checked the schedule and saw there was also an upcoming performance by Das Booty. Huh. Okay, that must have been the show Rarity had canceled unexpectedly the other day. It was part of the Dick Tricks Schtick tour.
We really were getting our money’s worth out of the Richard Nixon Multipurpose Community Auditorium.
I spent most of my time in Ponyville between the The Half Pint and the library. Naturally, Twilight was always at the library. Yona and Owlowiscious were also there, helping her do research for something. Considering they had to keep ducking errant spells, it was probably related to Owlowiscious being bad at magic.
“He’s good for an owl!” Twilight protested. “That’s why he’s on our superhero team.”
“Speaking of superhero,” said Yona, nose in some dusty book, “You know about pillars of Equestria?”
“What’s that?” Twilight asked, walking over to read over her shoulder.
I took a sip of my day-drink and turned away. Since we had some time, I had finally decided to go ahead and start the merchandising for Das Booty.
First up was going to be the toilet paper. After that, maybe I would consider selling the plushies with a strange hole in them.
Now, I just had to figure out which stores would sell the goods, in order to create the perfect balance between scarcity that drive demand, but also moving enough volume to actually be worthwhile.
I should probably consult Rarity about things involving selling and popularity. Speaking of, where was she?
I tapped my earpiece. “Tin Mare, find Rarity.”
“Processing.”
After several minutes, she finally came back. “I have traced her to a small garbage dump in the far northeast of Equestria.”
“Well, that’s definitely out of character.”
“Hella,” Tin Mare agreed. “Shall I go pick her up?”
“Yes.”
Twilight came over, holding the book from earlier. “Valiant, have you heard of these Pillars of Equestria?”
“No.”
She looked at the book again. “It sounds like they were a sort of proto-Elements of Harmony.”
“I’m kind of surprised old Twilight never knew about them.”
“Well...considering the book was in her library, I’m going to guess that she did.”
“Kind of weird that she never mentioned them, then.” I shrugged. “Whatever. She probably thought that they were ‘just an old pony tale.’ Because apparently everything that you don’t have proof of around here - despite the existence of magic - is bullshit.”
“Well, I don’t have any proof of it,” said Twilight. “I just think it’s an interesting story.”
“Me like Rockhoof!” said Yona.
“Who?” I asked.
“He big, and smash a lot.”
“Okay, fair enough.”
“Maybe I learn his technique,” she said.
“You do that,” I said, sitting back down on the couch. With nothing better to do, I dropped my autodarkening sunglasses over my eyes and went to sleep.
When I awoke, I found myself flying through the air. Not just because I was drunk, either.
Well, okay, instead of actual flying it was more like a ballistic trajectory. I couldn't see any means of flight. I was still on the couch. It was currently doing, oh, maybe a hundred miles an hour based on the wind, but seemed to be slowing down.
I did some quick mental calculations. If it was slowing down, but apparently still gaining altitude, that meant I was getting near the top of whatever arced path the couch was currently following. And that meant there was nowhere to go but down.
I peeped over the side and wished I hadn’t. It was a long way down, and if I didn’t do something fast this was going to be the Plymouth Valiant Memorial Couch in more ways than one.
“Tin Mare!”
“I am returning from a small garbage dump in the far northeast of Equestria, though I am nowhere close.”
“At least tell me how this happened!”
“Running the satellite pictures back: you exited the library roof at a high rate of speed. Checking internal cameras: It appears that Yona, trying a new move based on the teachings of Rockhoof, ‘smashed.’ This maneuver appears to have imparted a significant amount of energy to the floorboards, collapsing the first floor into the basement. This force, combined with the kinetic energy of falling bookshelves, accelerated your couch to a speed sufficient to propel you through the second floor, attic, roof, and to a height of nearly three thousand feet. Which has currently passed and is now declining.”
She was right. I could feel the wind change direction and suddenly I felt light. “Options?”
“How flexible are you?”
“Tin Mare, this is not the time for ‘kiss my ass goodbye’ jokes!”
“I was about to suggest that you do a hella cool flip. If Rainbow Dash is in the area, she cannot help but notice aerial maneuvers and possibly she will realize your situation.”
I started flipping.
It was hard to keep my body tight as the g-forces built up. I managed to reach up to my earpiece. “What’s my backup plan?”
Tin Mare paused.
“Yeah,” I said, “I know, this is me we’re talking about. Still, what’s the backup plan?”
“Working on it.”
I glanced down in the instant I had as my head went past my hooves again. The ground was getting a lot closer.
I tried doing some quick mental math. Terminal velocity for a person was about a hundred fifty miles per hour. That’s a little more than two miles a minute. Three thousand feet was a little more than half a mile. I had roughly...fifteen seconds. Maybe. I guess. I wasn’t currently in a human body and I’ve never been good at math. I usually got by with engineering with trial and error.
Either way, the ground was getting a lot closer.
Hoo boy. This was going to hurt.
I tried to remember how to land when you’re falling from a high place. Spread out the impact. Try not to let your body turn into an accordian. Step three was, um…
I pulled out of my spinning and assumed the best position I could, though it wasn’t easy because I’d made myself dizzy. I looked down.
There was a crack of displaced air. A second or two passed, and then when I was a second or two from becoming hamburger, a flash of teal light spread out below.
I hit the magic field pretty hard, but bounced.
Momentum spent, but breath knocked out of me, I reached the top of my new, much lower altitude and started back down.
And landed in Sunset’s outstretched hooves.
I blinked, my scrambled brains making it hard to focus my eyes, but it was pretty clearly her.
“Tin Mare called,” she said. “She said it was an emergency.”
“Yeah, I guess it was.”
“Do you want me to put you down?” she asked.
“I...well, between coming off the adrenalin rush, being dizzy, and lingering drunkenness, I’m not sure I wouldn’t just fall over immediately.”
“Wouldn’t it be more embarrassing to be seen carried like a newlywed bride by a mare?”
“Given what most people know - or rather don’t - about our relationship...let’s just keep them guessing while I recover.”
Sunset walked me back towards the library. She used a little magic to ease the process along. She was a certified badass, but an earth pony stallion is kind of a load for any unicorn mare walking on two legs.
“Oh yeah,” I said as we went. “Welcome back. I hope this didn’t interrupt anything too important that you were doing over in the other world.”
“That remains to be seen,” she said, shrugging.
Sunset carried me over the library threshold. The place was pretty wrecked. Effectively, the walls of the building still stood, but everything inside it had collapsed into the basement.
That was where we found Twilight, Yona, and Owlowiscious. They were picking through the ruins.
Because the Element Bearers were off on the submarine, I figured the B-team was probably out of the basement and filling in for them when it happened.
Still, unless Yona learned to get this new move under control, I could envision a lot more of this happening. This was even worse than Owlowiscious screwing up a spell.
Seeing Sunset and me come in, the three of them made their way up out of the hole.
“It’s Sunset Shimmer, right?” said Twilight.
“And you must be new Twilight.”
“Who this?” Yona said.
“She’s Valiant’s…” Twilight trailed off, either uncertain of who Sunset was or unsure how Sunset and I would react to what she was going to say.
“Right, I’m his,” said Sunset.
There was a moment of silence as the conversation stalled. Just then, I heard Tin Mare landing outside. Preempting my thoughts, Sunset turned around and went to meet her.
Tin Mare was just opening her tailgate when we arrived. A bedraggled Rarity stumbled out. Seeing me, she stomped over and shouted, “Do you know what you’ve just done!?”
“Generally, though considering your tone, I’m guessing you interpret it differently.”
“I was-” she began, but I interrupted.
“I had Tin Mare bring you back because I needed you to offer your thoughts on merchandising for the band,” I said. “I’ve already got a plan for the toilet paper, I just wanted to hear your thoughts.”
“I was trying to save the world!” she shouted.
“Okay, we can do that too. I just need-”
This time, she cut me off. “You don’t understand! This was eldritch!”
“So? We’ve killed eldritch before.”
She paused, and then sighed. “Okay, I suppose I should have seen that coming.”
She blinked. “Oh. Sunset. I didn’t expect to see you back so suddenly.”
Sunset shrugged. “Spur of the moment.”
I gestured to Rarity to return to the previous conversation. “So related to your eldritch deal, are you going to tell me about this SCP thing or…”
Rarity gasped. “How did you know about that?”
Sunset lifted her head. “Does Valiant have the best surveillance on the planet or what?”
Hell yeah, said my magnified voice from the sky.
I lifted my hoof to give Sunset an appreciative bump. Both of her forelegs were still occupied with carrying me, so she leaned down and gently touched my hoof with the tip of her nose.
“Well, if it’s not going to be a problem, then,” said Rarity in a huff. “I think the Foundation and I will leave it to you.”
She started to turn away, but I called her back. “I’m still going to need your help on merchandising for the band.”
“Honestly, Valiant, I know you’re always careless when it comes to saving the world, but could you focus for a moment? I rather think this is more important than making a few bits.”
I mean, she wasn’t wrong, but I suddenly realized what a huge advertising ploy we could turn this into. Not to mention, having Sunset with me would only make a bigger splash. Her sudden appearance from the other dimension had not only saved my figurative bacon, but could help make this marketing stunt the biggest Equestria had ever seen.
I was rolling out the big guns on this. Sunset coming back was going to make this huge To sci-fi an old chestnut: Transmit softly but warp in the biggest stick.
“Dealing with the so-called eldrich problem is going to make an excellent opportunity for promotion,” I said. “Das Booty is going to perform at the event to launch the Plymouth Valiant brand of toilet paper.”
Rarity gave me a flat stare. “I fail to see how defeating monsters goes with toilet paper. Why did you even put your name to toilet paper in the first place?”
“It doesn’t take shit off anyone.”