Spike stood in the same exact place where Twilight and Tori left him. He knew what he wanted to do, what he needed to do, but anxiety stayed his feet. Nervous thoughts about how she would react to him suddenly popping back into her life well after he promised to come back choked his already tormented conscious.
“Awe, what’s the matter?”
“What do you want?” Spike growled.
“I want nothing other than what you want.”
“Then why are you here!” Spike spat, a spiral of flame escaping his teeth.
“Do you want to know what your problem is?”
“That you won’t piss off?”
“It’s that you, after all of this time and all of these years, still cannot find it in you to forgive yourself for something that was beyond your control!”
“I could have stopped it!”
“That’s the key phrase! “Could Have”, but you didn’t! That was years ago Spike, you need to let it go. No one thinks less of you for it.”
“That’s because they don’t know the pain of watch-”
“By Celestia’s eternal light! You sound like a moody adolescent! “Oh, why me. Look at these scars. My pain justifies me. I’m gonna be an emo foal who runs away at the slightest provocation because I’m hurt.” You aren’t sleeping in Twilight’s basket or Luci’s nest anymore. Grow up!”
Spike responded with nothing but a frown.
“Look… you keep thinking that the world is against you. Yeah, Twilight slapped the flames out of your mouth, but it was because she missed you. She loves you, dummy. So does Applejack, Rainbow, Pinkie, Flutters, Tori, and Rarity. Stop playing the victim. You’ve got a lot going for you. Accept it.”
Spike sighed and looked down at the crystal patterns that transversed haphazardly under his claws. With a heavy step, he started towards the door.
Walking down the steps he heard somepony tell him to “Have a good rest of your day, Spike.” Confused he looked around for whoever spoke his name. He shook it off as another weird manifestation of his demons sent to torment him. With his eyes glued to the road, he wondered what he would say to her. How he would greet her. Would he play it cool? Grovel at her hooves and apologize? Or would she even want to give him the time of day? Ponies parted his path like a river would a rock. Not one of them dared approach a dragon with a sour muzzle and a padlocked gaze. Save for a trio of young mares.
“Hey, Spike!” They all greeted as they went about their business.
“Did they even realize that I was gone?” He thought to himself. “Hey! Sweetie Belle?”
“Yeah?” She and her friends stopped.
“Is Rarity at the boutique?”
“Yeah, but she’s packing right now.”
“She is?” Spike panicked and broke out into a mad gallop. Applebloom and Scootaloo shrugged and went on about their business, but Sweetie stood behind and wondered what had him so riled up. “Hey, I’ll catch up with you guys later.” She started after Spike, galloping just as he did.
“Where are ya going?” Applebloom called.
Scootaloo tapped her chin and smirked, “Guess she’s gonna tell him about her little crush.”
“She’s still got that?” Applebloom tilted her head.
“Maybe,” Scootaloo shrugged.
“Everypony loses their wits whenever Spike shows up,” Applebloom shook her head.
“Mhm,” Scootaloo nodded.
Spike charged through Ponyville, hoping he would catch her before it was too late. Everything in him told him that this was the moment. This right here was exactly the pivotal moment in all of those romance stories he used to read behind Twilight’s back. He was going to tell her that he loved her and beg her to stay. Like that ever went wrong, right?
Pinkie floated, quite literally, next to him. “Heya there big guy! What’s the rush?”
“Gotta make it,” Spike huffed, “To Rarity,” he gulped down a pocket of air. “Before she leaves!”
“Ooh, I’m testing out my new canon. It launches ponies!” She laughed gleefully before solidly colliding with a building. “Good luck Spike!” she waved.
Spike chuckled and pressed on until he skidded to a stop at her door. He knocked as lightly as he could given his frantic state. “Just a moment!” Rarity called from inside, her angelic voice painting a smile on his muzzle. He collected his breathing, cleaned his claws, and made sure his dorsal spines were just right. He checked his breath and… well, he was fortunate that he grew much taller than her. The door opened revealing a Rarity with no makeup and curlers in her hair. “Spike? When did you get here?”
“J-Just a few hours ago,” He said with a wide toothy grin.
“Well, don’t be a stranger. Come in.”
He ducked under the doorway finding that she was dressed in a bathrobe. “Sorry about the mess. I’m going to Fillydelphia for an on-stage production. They chose moi to be the lead costume designer.”
“At least they know they’ll get their bit’s worth,” Spike chuckled.
“So, what brings you by?” She asked while walking up the stairs. Spike stood in wait. “You can come join me, dear. There’s nothing going on that you haven’t seen before.”
He followed her up to her room finding three big suitcases on the bed fit to burst. Rarity removed her curlers and began to brush her hair while applying her makeup. “So, what brought you by?”
Spike sat on his haunches at the door. “I wanna talk. I’m sorry about running away like that, I just… I just…”
“Let me stop you there. I understood why you left the moment we first spoke after Luna found you, and I understand that it takes time to process traumatic events.”
“Well, uh. That’s good I guess…”
“But, what I don’t understand is, why you didn’t give us a chance to help you?”
“I thought I was beyond help. It… changes you to see yourself used as an instrument of death. I thought that… since I am a dragon, I would devolve into a horrible bloodthirsty beast at some point. So, why delay the inevitable?”
“You’re better than that, Spike,” She applied some mascara and fluttered her eyes.
“Am I really?” Spike sighed. “Out there, it’s kill or be killed. There’s no gray area. Just before I left I…” he gulped at the thought of the lions rotting in Tori’s old den. “I killed a group of lions that attacked Tori and me.”
“Well, it was out of self-defense. I cannot say that I would not do the same.”
“You would kill?”
Rarity stopped for a moment and looked at Spike through her mirror. Gone was the innocent little Drake that she grew to love. Now, there’s nothing left but a broken, hopeless, cynic who hates himself more than he loves anypony. “I cannot say for sure, but I would defend myself.”
“I suppose,” Spike sighed. “Look, I’m sorry. I just didn’t feel ready.”
“Ready for what?” Rarity spoke with a hint of anger.
“Ready to trust myself around anyone that I cared about.”
“Are you ready now?” She got out of the chair and took her bathrobe off.
Spike avoided her gaze.
“Exactly, so I ask again. What brought you here?”
“I wanted to tell you that… well…”
“I do not have time for uncertainty, Spike,” Rarity fumed.
“I wanted to tell you that I love you and that I want to be with you!”
Rarity rolled her eyes and returned to her mirror.
“What did that mean?” Spike tried to hide his offense.
“It means that I don’t want to be with someone who so clearly hates himself and cannot let go of his past.”
“I thought you said you understood!” Spike spat, a lump forming deep in his throat.
“Well, I did. And I came to understand that if you aren’t ready to accept who you are and what you’ve done, then you cannot be with me! I will not foalsit you and coddle you whenever you feel bad or, Celestia forbid, run away again the moment somepony brings up your past!” Rarity shouted gaining all of the authority in the room. He may have reached maturity, but to her, he was still her little Spikey. Flashes back to when she used to scold him filled her mind as he sat with his head down just as he did back then. She furrowed her brows and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for yelling, Spike. I know why you’re hurt. I cannot even begin to fathom the pain you feel nor truly understand it, but I know why.” She came up to him and raised his head. “I love you too Spike, but… you need to quell the turmoil within you. I can’t help you with that. It must come from you.”
“I… understand…”
“My train arrives in ninety minutes.”
Spike nodded and started towards the door, trying to keep his head held high.
“Spike…”
“Hm?” He turned around.
“I… want to give you something. Close your eyes.”
Spike wondered what she was giving him. Maybe the ruby that she held on to for all of those years. Or a teleportation spell to remove him from her sight as quickly as possible. He was surprised to find her soft warm lips pressed against his. He hoped for this moment to last forever, but she pulled away just as soon as she initiated the loving gesture. “I should be back in a few months… If you’ll still be here by then…”
Spike swallowed hard and gave her the best smile he could. “I’ll be here.”
“We shall see,” Rarity jokingly scoffed.
He left her room praying that he could find somewhere to break down in solace. Beration upon beration swaddled the waves of self-deprecation he unleashed upon himself. Forming tears clouded his vision making every step feel disorienting and out of place. Coupled with the nauseating lump setting up shop deep in his throat. He hadn’t felt this way in years. Well even before he killed Luci and Pyro. Well before he left Equestria’s borders. All the way back to when she first rejected him. And just like all of those years ago, a familiar face sitting on the same couch she always had.
“Hey,” Sweetie waved.
“Hey,” Spike whined, trying to hide his unsteady tone.
“Come on. Let’s go get some cupcakes.”
“I’d like that a lot,” Spike sniffled.
Rarity sat on the Train while all of her friends waved their farewells. With a hiss, the behemoth of steel and steam chugged out of the station. She thought back to her conversation with Spike, second-guessing herself on her decision. She wanted to help him, and guide him. But, would that help him truly come to grips with what happened? Was she too harsh to scold him as she did. He looked so defeated after she kissed him, but she didn’t expressly feel remorse. This was an empathic feeling. One that she wished to shake but it clung to her like a sticky funk that refused to be washed away. Then, she wondered if that’s her problem. That she holds others in too high of a standard and that, in turn, it makes her feel like no one can match her where a relationship is involved. Maybe Spike didn’t need to grow up, but she needed to humble herself. Living as the most sought-after designer in the whole world could possibly have warped the reality that she was born of Ponyville. A small village that just so happened to sit in the shadow of Canterlot. Whatever the case is, she had a lot of time to think it over.