//------------------------------//
// Chapter 36 
// Story: Down With the Pastryarchy 
// by kudzuhaiku 
//------------------------------//

Just when Twilight wasn’t sure that her day could get any worse, it did. She made the mistake of checking out the newspapers so that she might have a better idea of what had happened. Even after being warned, she wasn’t prepared for what she saw. Now, she felt like throwing up, or crying, or crying while throwing up. 

Not only had she behaved poorly, but she had said things. Awful things. She had said the most awful of things. During her drunken rampage, she had babbled at great length about revolt, revolution, but this was not the worst of what had happened, no. She had railed against Celestia it seemed, blaming her for the state of Equestria. At some point, a riot had almost started in Mustang Square, and Twilight was the direct cause. All manner of dreadful words had been said about Celestia. Inept. Out of touch. Elitist. Complicit. Police were dispatched to Mustang Square to disperse the angry mob that had gathered to listen to Twilight’s drunken ranting. She had torn down her mentor and said every rotten thing that could possibly be said. 

After looking at the various front pages, Twilight reached a conclusion; going into seclusion might be the only solution. Facing Celestia after this would be nigh-impossible. Twilight had damaged the public’s trust in their leader, their princess. She had openly encouraged revolt, revolution, and civil disobedience. No, seclusion just wasn’t enough for sins of this magnitude—self-imposed exile would be better. 

Then there was her behaviour, some of which Twilight would not have believed if there wasn’t photographic evidence. Every article was cringe-inducing and each of them was somehow worse than the one previous. The pissing for distance contest stood out as a highlight, with a potentially record-breaking urine stream. 

For a time, there had been hope. She had been ready to change the world, but now, now after seeing the papers… Twilight was certain that she had no business changing the world. Was she even fit to be a princess? When she went home, she would have to go to Canterlot first and assess the damage. If Celestia was angry—and she would have every right to be—then Twilight would face whatever consequences arose with as much courage as she could muster. 

How would this hurt the war effort? How badly had she damaged the morale of the nation? How much discord had she sown? Fearing the very worst of outcomes, Twilight even wondered if she had just given Grogar some kind of advantage, or worse, a victory. In one drunken night, Twilight feared that she had done irreparable harm to the nation she was sworn to defend. She had encouraged the little ponies to rise up and tear everything down. Discord, sensing chaos, had arrived, and now Twilight understood why. 

She had much to answer for. 

The door opened and Applejack entered the room, along with Sapphire Shores. Both were sweaty—drenched even—and Twilight could smell the sour tang of sweat. Lifting her head to look at them, she pushed the newspapers away from her with a hard shove that sent them falling to the floor like leaves. 

“You’re up.” Applejack seemed surprised. “Is Pinkie okay? Is she asleep?” 

“She went back to bed.” Twilight watched as Applejack’s eyes darted from paper to paper. “Seville just left a few minutes ago to get more soda and ice.” Then, almost as an afterthought, she asked, “How did your speech go?” 

“I don’t reckon I know,” Applejack replied while Sapphire Shores sat down in a chair opposite of Twilight. “I made some promises I hope I can keep. I’ve committed us Elements to the struggle to come. Even as I said it, I was scared I might be lying about it. We’re all so scattered now. There was a time when all of us would have been right here with you… we woulda gone on a bender together. But the truth is, we rarely see one another these days.” 

Twilight tried to think of what to say, but nothing came to mind. 

“Rarity only keeps an address in Ponyville for tax purposes. I’m sure she’ll help. In her own way, I reckon. She’ll throw some gala, or fashion show, or some big party and then she’ll toss money at the problem, ‘cause that’s how she does things. Rainbow’ll raise awareness about it, I reckon. She’ll give some big motivational speech just before she does her big fancy Wonderbolt thing that she does.” 

Twilight’s gaze fell down to the table. 

“Flutters and I will give it a go, along with you and Pinkie. I suppose the actual work part will fall on us, and I done guess I’m okay with that. A change needs to happen. For me, it starts at home, with Sugar Belle.” Applejack shuffled on her hooves. “Standing there in front of that crowd, and lookin’ out at ‘em, I got to thinkin’ that I owe them more than what I’m givin’ but what I owe them, I can’t say how to go about givin’ it, or just what it is I owe them. I dunno if I can make sense of it all. I done reckon I could be doing more, but for the life of me, I just don’t have a clue what I could be doing. Coming here to this here bake-off, it changed me. Shucks… colour me surprised that this ol’ mare can still learn something. I thought I was too set in my ways.” 

A low, throaty chuckle could be heard from Sapphire Shores. 

“I think that when I done get home, I’ll have a long talk with Mac and Sugar. I gots me this idea about being a corporate charity. We’ll keep just what we need for operating costs and then Twilight, why, I reckon that money’ll go to you. We can use it to help the cause. Daggum it, Rarity ain’t the only fancy-ass fronker that can throw money at a problem.” 

“You’d do that, Applejack?” Again, the fragile flame of hope kindled within Twilight’s breast. If anypony could pull her out of the mire she found herself in, it was her friends. 

“Well, I have to do something. Tarnation, I’m sick of Rarity getting all the limelight, Twi. It gets on my last nerve, so it does.” 

“Friendly competition is healthy just so long as it stays friendly.” Hearing her own words, Twilight’s bitterness made her think of just how trite they sounded, but she said nothing. 

“I have to go soon,” Sapphire Shores said to Twilight. “But before I do, I have one final message to impart upon you.” 

“And that is?” Leaning forward, Twilight tried to read the eyes of Sapphire Shores. 

“No matter how bad you think all this is, it’s not the end of the world.” 

Twilight felt her spine give way and she slumped over, crushed beneath some invisible weight. Applejack trotted off in the direction of the bathroom and when she vanished from the edges of Twilight’s vision, the distraught alicorn closed her eyes while thinking of what Sapphire Shores had just said. 

“I’m already behind schedule.” Sapphire Shores rose from her chair, stretched her legs, and groaned when her knees popped. “I’m gettin’ old. Too old for these drunken nights out. But being the fool that I am, I keep having them.” Then, without further ado, she headed for the door. 

“Sapphire,” Twilight called out, and doing so caused her head to feel swimmy. 

“Yes? What you need, Canterlot girl?” 

“How… how do I recover from this? You’re a public figure. Have you dealt with scandal?” 

“You make right,” Sapphire Shores replied. With a chuckle, she pulled open the door, and then with a turn of her head, she cast a smirk back over her withers in Twilight’s direction. Still chuckling, she pulled the door open, stepped out, and then sashayed away as the door shut itself behind her.

Alone in the dim room, Twilight stared down an uncertain, unknown future. 



 

Seville returned, bearing a bucket held in his mouth, and from this bucket several glass bottle necks protruded. Twilight looked at him, and did so in such a way that he almost dropped the bucket. There was a clunk of metal, ice, and glass as he recovered. Wasting no time, he hurried across the room, his eyes brimming with warm concern. 

He wasn’t like her brother, or her father for that matter. Maybe just a little, in some ways. Seville was just… himself. Twilight watched as he approached, coming closer, and as awful as everything was, the world didn’t seem quite so bad when he was close. He was a pacifist, something that she admired and respected, but he was also a soldier with medals for valour and bravery in combat. Of course, Seville had not been placed into standard service, but Twilight didn’t think that mattered. He was still a member of the guard and every member of the guard deserved respect, standard service or no.

The bucket was put down into a brass pedestal designed to hold it and then Seville turned his head to look at her. When their eyes met, she felt a spark, something wholly unknown to her. The old fear and anxious worry of having him close had been replaced with something else, something different, something better. Just as Twilight was about to say something, Applejack emerged from the bathroom and she moseyed over to inspect the drinks. 

“I found one bottle of Dim~Cola,” Seville said, his words a near-whisper. “Have you tried it?” 

“No, I can’t say that I have,” Twilight replied. 

“It’s… carbonated coffee with cloves, cardamom, and cocoa nibs. Like Dim himself, it is a love it or hate it flavour. I think it’ll make you feel better.” 

“Sounds weird.” Twilight wasn’t quite sure what to think of the odd combination. 

“I drink it when I’m under a heavy workload and need to maintain concentration.” Seville nodded in the bucket’s direction. “It has four times the caffeine compared to the other Princess~Colas and the xantheose from the cocoa nibs offers quite a mental jolt. It was formulated with Dim’s guidance to improve cognitive function.” 

Applejack, completely unconcerned with things like brain function, pulled out a bright pink bottle of Cadance~Cola and then cracked off the bottle cap with her teeth, a truly impressive act. Sniffing the bottle, she moseyed off on three legs, muttering something to herself that Twilight couldn’t quite make out. 

“It sounds as though you hold Dim in high regard.” This felt a little awkward and out of place, but this was just how things turned out sometimes. Friends came out of the bathroom during curious, intimate moments and strange topics of conversations happened. 

“Oh, I do.” Seville swallowed and Twilight could see a lump bobbing up and down on his throat. “He’s my hero… but there is only one pony that I truly idolise.” 

“Gosling?” For Twilight, this made the most sense. Seville was Gosling’s shadow. They were brothers by all but birth. Seville was Gosling’s most devoted supporter, and quite possibly his harshest critic. In truth, she was in awe of their friendship, and held it up as a fine example of what friendship could, and should be. 

“No… no… I married her, and now I don’t know what to do with myself.” 

Twilight’s cheeks blazed so hot that her mouth went dry. She heard Applejack chortling, but chose to ignore it. It was difficult to come to grips with, that some ponies idolised her—or worse, worshipped her. It was one part of being a princess that she had never fully come to terms with. 

“I want to have foals just so I can tell them just how special their mother is. Both mothers, that is. A part of me is still having trouble believing this is real, and I keep waiting for Luna to catapult me out of this dream. I, uh, don’t exactly remember getting married.” 

“Oh, that was smooth,” Applejack remarked from where she sat on the sofa. 

With a quick turn of her head that left her dizzy, Twilight glanced first at Applejack and then at Seville. Sensing that something was going on, but not knowing what it was, she took a moment to try and make sense of this social situation. A flash of understanding struck, and like a thunderbolt striking a forest, it ignited a wildfire in her brain. Seville was flirting with her. He was doing the flirty thing that he did, that Applejack had mentioned. He was doing the thing that he did that she never noticed. 

Oh! 

“That was the smoothest segue into laying pipe into a princess that I think I’ve ever heard. I am in awe, Mister Orange.” 

“It was pretty good, yeah.” Seville shuffled in place and his tail flicked from side to side. “Segue, Jackie?” 

“I read,” an annoyed Applejack snapped. 

Refocusing his attention, Seville faced Twilight. “We have the room until six and our train leaves at seven. Drink up, Twilight. We need you sorted out for the trip home. Maybe we should wake up poor Pinks, too.” 

But Twilight wasn’t ready to talk about leaving. No, she had just been flirted with—subtle flirting, with skill and finesse. Seville had cleverly expressed an urge to procreate, and had done so with flattery. All in all, Twilight was astonished by what he had done and she wished to reciprocate. 

“I can flirt,” Twilight announced, and then she immediately cringed just a little at how utterly unconvincing her voice sounded. 

“Typically, one flirts before the wedding, Twilight, but now is a good time to start. I for one, would love to hear you flirt. I could even give you some helpful advice, depending on how bad this turns out. What’s a little critique among friends?” 

Brows furrowing, Twilight cast a sidelong glare at her friend, Applejack. 

“I don’t know about this, Twilight. You’re still hungover—” 

“Seville, do you think I can’t flirt?” demanded Twilight. 

He held up a hoof in a defensive gesture. “Now, I didn’t say that—” 

“But if your flirting is anything like your dancing, we’re all in big trouble.” 

“Jackie, I can’t even… I don’t know what to say.” Seville shook his head from side to side, snorting. “Jackie, ponies have feelings, you know.” 

Meanwhile, Twilight seethed at her friend through bared teeth. 

“Go ahead and give it a shot, Twilight.” 

“This is an act that reeks of sexual desperation. Of all the things a husband will do to get laid—” 

“Jackie, shut your pie hole!” 

Snickering to herself, Applejack covered her mouth with one hoof and her laughter came out as hot, heavy snorts. Twilight understood that yet again, Seville and Applejack were having fun with one another in a way that she did not yet fully understand, but could still appreciate. Nopony wanted their husband and their best friends hating one another. 

“Seville, you have a Pie hole that you’ll never want shut—” 

“Jackie, why I oughta!” Seville shook his hoof at the apple farmer, who ignored him and his bluster. 

“Huh, I wonder if Pinkie tries to talk with her mouth full—” 

“Jackie… Jackie, you’re horrible. If this keeps up, Jackie, we can’t be friends.” 

“Pinkie talks with her mouth full all the time.” When both Applejack and Seville started to laugh, Twilight knew she was missing the joke. Her hungover brain balked at this much thinking and she couldn’t remember what it was that she had been about to do. 

“Okay, Twilight. Flirt with me. I’m over here, and you’re over there, so I think everything will be fine. Hit me with your best shot.” 

Sensing snark, Twilight bristled a bit, but accepted the challenge. Later, the Snarkle Sharkle would come out to play, but for now, she kept it caged. She liked Seville’s sarcasm and his sass. He was playful—and this was good. She wanted him playful. He was always so studious and serious, for the most part anyhow, and she wanted to see the side of him that Pinkie saw. 

“Seville… I want to…” Twilight discovered that she didn’t know what to say next. The characters in books said the most amazing things at just the right moments. All she had to do was lay out some creative verbs like brickwork and add some purple prose for flourish. How hard could it be? It was like playing mad-libs with Spike, but racy. 

Undaunted, she tried again. “Seville, I want to ride you—” Abort! Abort!, her brain shouted. It was too late though, she was committed to this. What did she say next? Ride him like a pony? No, that was awful and cliché. In desperate need of a dramatic action, Twilight’s hungover brain scrambled to find a suitable series of words that captured the spirit of romance. “Seville, I want to ride you like a canoe around the bedroom.” 

In response, Seville blinked, and Twilight sensed that everything had gone wrong. 

“What,” she said, defensive already. “Canoeing is a perfectly romantic activity.” 

“So wait, let me get this straight. By canoeing, does this mean that you want to do some paddling?” 

“No!” Twilight blurted out and her ears burned up at the sound of Applejack’s bleating laughter. 

“Because that is what one does; they go paddling around in a canoe.” 

Jamming a hoof into her mouth, Twilight bit down. 

“I’m not saying no, but this isn’t what I had in mind,” Seville said in a perfectly serviceable deadpan. “If our sexual adventures are going to involve wooden paddles, we’re going to need a safe word.” 

At this point, Applejack was laughing like a hick while struggling to keep her soda upright. A full-body blush burned Twilight from hoof to ear and she couldn’t figure out how something as simple as flirting could go so horribly wrong. It was like Sweetie Belle trying to cook something. How could such a spectacular failure happen? Was she not capable? This was horrendously embarrassing and she wished that she hadn’t made the attempt. There would be no living this down. Somehow, she was worse at flirting than she was dancing. With her hoof still lodged in her mouth, she groaned. 

This was a story certain to be told to friends and family…