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// Father Knows Beast 
// Story: Unpleasant Correspondence 
// by StormLuna 
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Dear Princess Celestia, 

I have come to the conclusion that Spike is a gullible idiot.  Get this, this moronic dragon named Sludge comes crashing into town and claims to be Spike's father.  Seriously?  From what I understand, outside of Torch, most dragon fathers just screw the mother and go on their merry way.  Also, how would this dragon even know who his son would be?  And want to know what was bad, Spike suddenly started waiting on this bastard claw and tail because Sludge claimed it is what dragons do.

Now what pissed me off is that he started acting like a little bastard and brought up how he has "real" family now.  What the fuck?  I hatched his miserable, pathetic ass and I basically raised him and all of a sudden some idiot comes in, making ridiculous claims and Spike buys into it.  All I have to say is thank Faust that Smolder was there to tell Spike that Sludge wasn't acting like a dragon, he was just being a fucking freeloader who ate all my desserts. 

In the end it was discovered that this dragon only wanted an easy life and was not really Spike's dad.  I'm honestly thinking that since I have Starlight to guide me through all my problems, that maybe it is time to set Spike free.  Hey, Rarity uses him as a fashion slave so he could go live with her.  Who knows, maybe since he has molted he would finally get laid!  Think I should do it, think I should give him to Rarity?

Seeking Your Opinion, 

Princess Twilight Sparkle





Dear Twilight, 

Seriously, some random dragon comes into town, tells Spike he is his father and he believes him?  I swear, he must be more gullible than even I imagined.  Now Spike has had plenty of "moron moments" but this one really takes the cake.  I know Spike is searching for his inner dragon but he must not know anything about dragons, especially how most fathers don't give a shit about the babies in the eggs their mamas hatch, or in his case, inside the egg that you hatched when that freaky rainboom happened. 

Now I too am glad that Smolder was there to tell him about how dragons really act.  You know, maybe Smolder should be given the role of big sister to Spike because it certainly seems like he could use an older sibling to guide him through situations like this.  I am very proud of Smolder, so proud that I am going to send you a trophy to give to her, an "adoptive big sister" trophy for you to give to her. 

Now when it comes to giving Spike away to Rarity, you can't do that.  Yes I know Starlight helps guide you through life in more ways than one but still, I do not think Spike has done anything to warrant that kind of punishment.  Besides, I know the real reason you want to give him away is so that you and Starlight can go getting it on anywhere in the castle you want.  You could have him help her more so you two can defile the place but please don't defile the map.  That thing has needed servicing way too much as of late because of the urges you two can't contain, alright?

Not Letting You Give Spike to Rarity, 

Princess Celestia 





Sludge, 

You know what, you are nothing but a lazy, gluttonous asshole.  I swear, you are even worse than Celestia and I always thought she was the queen of stuffing her face.  Now just get out of my life and get out of Ponyville.

Spike





Kid, 

Look, I simply did what any dragon would do.  I saw an opportunity to live the easy life and have a moronic little slave catering to my every want and I jumped on it.  Perhaps if you hadn't been raised by overly generous ponies, you would have been able to see through my ruse.  I will get out of your life but I'm not leaving Ponyville, just yet.  I'm heading to that local bakery and devouring every single treat they have in there and then setting the place ablaze.  

Sludge