//------------------------------// // Chapter 34 // Story: Down With the Pastryarchy // by kudzuhaiku //------------------------------// The Hay-Bans™ did nothing. Somehow, the light pressed into Twilight’s eyeballs like red-hot brass tacks and sent jolts of agony shooting along the lengths of her optic nerves. Even worse, these jolts could be seen, because little showers of sparks sprinkled down from the tip of her horn with each head-destroying throb. Hangovers really were the worst and Twilight Sparkle wondered if they could be harnessed somehow as some kind of punishment for unrepentant criminals. Given the time and resources, she was certain that she could reform the justice system. As she made her way along to the central auditorium, she failed to notice how others looked at her. Some had faces of worshipful adoration, and others, outright contempt. Yet others were fearful, but some were amused. So focused was she about putting one hoof in front of the other that she failed to notice much of anything at all. Seville, who came from hardy peasant stock, was already showing signs of recovery and Twilight hated him just a teensy-weensy bit. He had eaten breakfast, drank some tea, a cup of strong coffee, and then poured himself a quadruple shot of extra-dry gin from a half-full bottle found in the fountain in their suite. Reporters drank; that was a given in their trade, and Seville had just survived an epic bender that would no doubt be the highlight of his career. Pinkie Pie, on the other hoof, seemed even worse. She was now almost completely unrecognisable and bore little resemblance to her former self. Even her cutie marks had faded into almost colourless, indistinguishable blurs. Even in her current state of absolute misery, Twilight had guesses, theories as to why the poor pink ponk was such a wretched mess, with the most plausible one being that it was impossible to laugh in her current state, and laughter was a fundamental aspect of Pinkie Pie’s very being. “Boss, this way.” Bundt, who had a stern, serious face, seemed to have appeared from out of nowhere. “Stage entrance is this way. I didn’t think you’d make it. Sapphire Shores is just finishing her set.” “How?” Twilight demanded in a muted voice left dull from pain. “How is Sapphire Shores capable of singing?” At this, Bundt shrugged her withers, but said nothing. “Boss, you should uh, brace yourself. There’s going to be trouble, I think. Maybe now isn’t the best time to tell you. Follow me, I’ll take you to the stage entrance.” Twilight’s nod caused her head to swim and she followed after her assistant. A swell of sound crashed over Twilight like an incoming tide and almost knocked her from her hooves. Pinkie mewled with pain and would have fallen over, had Seville not braced himself against her side. Still unable to use magic, Twilight could do nothing, nothing at all. Sapphire Shores was belting out a soulful song, Sharecropper’s Sorrow, and Twilight could not understand how the mare could sing with what had to be an epic hangover. With Pinkie’s plaintive whimpering in her ears, Twilight made a snap decision. “Seville, I can handle this on my own. Take Pinkie upstairs. See if you can sort her out. Applejack, you’re with me.” “No.” Pinkie struggled to stand upright. “No, we gotta stay together. We’re honeymooning.” “Pinkie—” “Twilight, you know she won’t budge.” Seville shuffled on his hooves and when Pinkie wobbled, he somehow pulled off a slick maneuver that left the pink mare slung over his back like a sack of sad, sad turnips. “Quick, somepony find Pinkie some ear cotton.” “Some ear cotton, if you please,” Bundt said to a passing unicorn technician wearing a headset held together with bright yellow gaffer’s tape. “Sure thing, Miss Buttercream.” The fact that they were together now struck Twilight incredibly hard. No more dancing around the issue, no more pussyhoofing around, no more procrastination; this was their shared life now, for better or worse. Being struck full force by her thoughts and emotions left Twilight a little weepy eyed, and ink pooled in the corners and creases around her eyes. No visions seemed forthcoming, just raw, unbridled emotion. Yet, it was better this way. ‘Twas better to sort out what was, rather than agonise over what might be and how to make sense of everything uncertain. Even in her current muddled state, Twilight could see that Pinkie had in fact, done the right thing, acting as a catalyst in the way she had. Twilight had been given what she wanted, and, even better, she had been given the means to bypass all of the worst parts of working through everything to get it. Holding up a package of ear cotton, the unicorn technician returned. “Sapphire Shores is wrapping up right now,” he said, shouting over the noise. “Stage in five!” Blinded by the lights, even through her Hay-Bans™, Twilight Sparkle stumbled forwards into the great unknown. Led by others, she trusted in them for her safety, her well-being. She could feel the heat of the lights upon her and her skin prickled beneath the ruthless illumination. It felt hot enough to be cooked, as if she was standing out-of-doors with Celestia’s burning sun shining upon her. Too late, it occured to Twilight Sparkle that she was led into every introvert’s worst nightmare. Squinting, she could make out the indistinct shape of a vast crowd. No outlines, her vision was too fuzzy for that, but she could see smears of colour, as if a box of crayons had been left to melt upon a radiator. In her current state, hungover as she was, this was too much to bear—yet, there would be no fleeing from it. It was at this moment that Twilight decided that she didn’t want to be a pop star. She wondered how Maud handled being a rock star; all those geology lectures in a packed auditorium had to be trying. Twilight liked Maud’s lectures, but other ponies tended to fall asleep. Feeling a panic waiting in the wings, Twilight thought about Maud’s geology lectures now, at this very moment. The soothing, calming, reassuring monotone resonated through Twilight’s headspace and brought comfort. Maud was now her sister-in-law. Which made Tarnish— “Ponies, your princess!” The announcer’s voice blasted right through Twilight’s ear cotton to assault her brain directly. Spotlights snapped into position and Twilight heard a grunt from Seville. Pinkie squealed, but this was muffled halfway though, and Twilight guessed that Pinkie had buried her face into Seville’s neck. Dazzled, Twilight fought to recover her senses while her whole body trembled from pain. When Twilight made out Sapphire Shores’ silhouette, hazy, indistinct memories manifested. Singing and dancing; Twilight’s mind recalled vague images of singing and dancing. No, more than that; lewd singing and dancing. With Seville and Pinkie. There was a fountain that they had frolicked in, a big one, and Sapphire Shores had been right there with them. Another memory surfaced; Twilight recalled preening her wings in public. Why? Why had she done this? There had been no voice of reason to stop her, that’s why. What shameful displays had she committed? Just thinking of what might have been left her feeling queasy. “Why, hello, soul sister,” Sapphire Shores said to Twilight as she sashayed closer. “How’s the morning after treatin’ ya?” Twilight licked her dry lips and the tip of her tongue lingered in the somewhat crusty left corner of her mouth. Every sound was a physical sensation that pulsed through her grey matter and left her with weak, wobbly knees. She had kissed Sapphire Shores last night, and Sapphire Shores had kissed her back. Embarrassment and shame formed a devastating gestalt with her hangover and Twilight cringed at the knowledge that she had been more than a little naughty. “Regrets, huh?” A husky chuckle caused Sapphire Shore’s body to shake in all the right ways. “I don’t regret anything. Not at all. I got to help a princess of all ponies let her mane down, have a good time, and act freaky-deaky. For one magical night, the egghead got to be the life of the party. Ain’t no shame in that. You’d best be celebrating… if you can remember, that is.” Twilight heard laughter from the audience, a dull roar that made her cotton-stuffed ears quiver. They heard everything, of course they did, and no doubt, many of them had witnessed her behaviour last night. Mouth dry, guts bubbling, Twilight wished that she had a cold drink and a quiet place to recover. “Mister Orange… we earth ponies want to know… how does it feel to be you right now? Now that you’ve ascended to your lofty position, will you forget all about us, or will you help the Struggle?” Sapphire Shores wore an amused grin, but her eyes were serious. When Seville offered up no response, Sapphire Shores pressed him further. “You have to be feeling the weight of the world on your back right about now. When the Royal Pony Sisters got married, Gosling used his position and influence to go do great things. He’s trying to pick a fight with the inner-city problem, a trouble close to my own heart, as anypony who is acquainted with me knows. But great things are expected of Gosling. You on the other hoof…” Twilight saw Seville turn his head. “The first thing that will come to the minds of most ponies are of an entirely sexual nature. Hey, lookit that, the princess done found herself a stud. Why else would she marry an earth pony?” Leaning in, Sapphire Shores gave Seville a nudge with her elbow. “How’s it feel knowing that no matter what you accomplish, that will be the one thing that overshadows your entire existence? That by being an earth pony, your only perceived inherent value is your sexual ability?” These words were too harsh, too raw, too real, and Twilight felt like throwing up. “It stinks like yesterday’s garbage, I tell ya.” Sapphire Shores’ eyes narrowed. “I’ll be remembered as a sex icon… and maybe that’s deserved. I did what I had to do to get noticed. But I want to be remembered as the most electrifying performer who has ever, or will ever live. No matter how famous I become, now matter what heights I achieve, no matter what good I do—” “You’re still an earth pony, “ Seville deadpanned. “Damn straight.” Sapphire Shores clucked her tongue and went, “Mmm, mmm, mmm.” “Even now that I’ve reached the top, I’m still on the bottom.” Seville’s eyes darted in Twilight’s direction for a moment, then towards the audience, and finally, they returned to Sapphire Shores. “I’m terrified. My every move will be watched and scrutinised in ways that Shining Armor and Gosling will never experience. Everything I do, good, terrible, and otherwise, will not just be applied to me, but to the entirety of my tribe. Anytime Gosling does something remotely questionable, it’s dismissed by, ‘Oh, that wacky pegasus.’ But me? If I do anything, anything at all, anything said about me will be prefaced with, ‘You know how earth ponies are,’ or, ‘It can’t be helped, he’s just an earth pony.’ And with this in mind, I have something I’d like to say to address these issues in advance.” “And what’s that, sugar?” Sapphire Shores leaned in closer to Seville, putting her microphone closer to his mouth. “Fuck you.” Sapphire Shores laughed; it was a husky, bawdy sound made of sex appeal and grit. Twilight Sparkle didn’t know how to feel, or how she should feel. She hadn’t even considered these issues—nor was she aware of them, really. Shining Armor was the noble unicorn that had wed Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. Gosling was the dutiful pegasus that had captured the hearts of the Royal Pony Sisters. What was Seville? What narrative would be created? When she thought about it, her breakfast sloshed around her insides and she felt like spewing. The morning after a wedding was supposed to be a joyous time, but this was misery like nothing else. Tasting bile, she pressed her lips together and thought about another wedding that had gone horribly wrong. At the time, she had some trouble understanding, but now, with everything that had just taken place, she was able to look back in perfect clarity. When Dim had married Blackbird, ponies had petitioned Celestia, demanding his abdication. Cooking beneath the lights, Twilight suffered a sweaty shiver. “Oh”—Sapphire Shores made a dramatic, dismissive wave with her hoof—“you know what they say ‘bout those earth ponies. You give them a little good fortune and they get all self-righteous and uppity. Have no sense of decorum. His first day as a Royal Consort, and he tells us to get fucked. Can you believe that? But what else can you expect from them and their kind?” She gave her eyes a dramatic roll and then batted her eyelashes at the audience. “This is why we have to hold them down… so they stays all humble and decent. It’s for their own good. The moment one forgets their place, they all get so nasty. We can’t have that.” Jaw muscles clenching, guts churning, Twilight felt like fainting or puking, she couldn’t be sure. Seville and Sapphire Shores were laughing; for that matter, so was Applejack. What was so funny? Confused, baffled, upset, Twilight felt as though she was a little filly again, on stage to give some big recital. Why were they laughing at such horrible things? How could they laugh? Gorge rising, Twilight gulped in a few deep breaths to try and regain control over her overwhelmed senses. The constriction around Twilight’s ribs grew to the point where each breath caused pain. “And there ain’t no pony who hates earth ponies more than earth ponies. Once one of us rises up as high as we can go somehow, we hafta change. We hafta show that we hate earth ponies more than any pegasus or unicorn. It’s the only way we can get respect. Because if we’re nice at all, that’s showing favouritism and then comes the accusations of tribalism. So, if we’re ever to be successful and get ahead somehow, we absolutely have to hate our own kind. We can’t show ’em a lick of kindness for fear of hurting our own standing. Be careful, Mister Orange… whatever you do, don’t you show no favouritism, or you’ll be eaten alive. You’d better get your mean face on and start hatin’ if you knows what’s good for you.” Resolute, stoic, Seville had no response. “And what about you, Princess? Just barely married and you’ve already been called a segregationist—” “What?” Twilight blurted out. “Oh! You ain’t seen the papers yet.” Sapphire Shores clucked her tongue yet again. “Right now, there are petitions being organised. Plans are being made to demand that you abdicate. You had a lot to say last night, Princess. I’m positive that some of the message came out wrong, given your condition.” Squeezing her eyes shut, Twilight stood there and wished that she didn’t exist. “I understood the gist of what you had to say, Princess, but dayum… you left a lot of loose words that could be twisted to mean anything that the press wants them to mean. If it was anypony else, I’d say that their political career was sunk, but not you. You married two earth ponies, so you’re already down low on the bottom. Ain’t no place to go but up, Princess. Not to worry… I think you’ll have most of us right here with you.” Forcing her eyes open, Twilight felt the lights stabbing her right through her Hay-Bans™. When she turned to look at the audience, she could not help but wonder what they felt about her. What they thought. How bad was the damage? What had been said in the papers? What had she said last night? How careless had she been that her words could be misconstrued or twisted around to have dreadful purpose? “Princess Twilight Sparkle… welcome to the Struggle.” A great many things happened all at once, with each of them on their own enough to overwhelm Twilight, but with all of them together… Her life was now linked with Seville’s and Pinkie Pie’s. Their struggles were now hers. This was impossible to comprehend, yet it existed within her mind, a baffling confoundment that she would be forced to puzzle out, something she had to make peace with. More than that, beyond that, she had started a family with them, which meant foals. Reeling, her knees knocking, Twilight understood that she might bring disadvantaged foals into the world, and they would know this struggle. They would grow up with every advantage that she could give them, but would still somehow be at a disadvantage by virtue of their tribe. This hurt; it inflicted pain in ways that could not be expressed, and there were no words in existence suitable to convey this feeling. Twilight thought back to previous conversations, exchanges right here at the bake-off, being told that as a princess, she could not possibly understand the plight of her subjects until she was married and had foals. The first inklings of understanding were now manifest. All of this came with a crashing wave of guilt and shame; the very fact that she had been oblivious to all of this until now, now at this very moment when it impacted her and affected her life. She thought of the horrible, horrible waitress; she had completely failed to notice. How could she possibly be a good mother if she was incapable of spotting such danger? Her blindness, her obliviousness; if she couldn’t see it coming, how could she possibly teach her foals how to deal with it? How could she keep her loved ones safe? The conversation in the catwalks echoed in her mind and with it came a cascading avalanche of thoughts. “What could you possibly know of our daily struggle?” These words echoed and brought with them inky tears that made it appear that her mascara was running. “What do we have in common? What common perspective do we share? You and I… near as I can tell, we share nothing in common. You have wings and a horn. I can’t even begin to understand that. But if you had foals like I do, I’d know that you and I would have something we can talk about. Common ground. We earth ponies are big on common ground. Get it? Ground? Understanding, like a falling anvil, struck Twilight on the head. There was something worse than this hangover, and that was this emerging epiphany. Ignorance would no longer be permissible. Obliviousness would be disastrous. She barely understood what this struggle was, and yet she was mired in it, sunk into its tarry depths right up to her wingpits. Her subjects had been right, and she had been wrong to doubt them. “Hold steady, Canterlot girl.” Sapphire Shores’ voice was right in Twilight’s ear and though somewhat muffled by the cotton, was clear enough to be understood. “The big mare in the big house wouldn’t have sent you to deal with this if she didn’t think you were capable. That’s not how she works. That mare has a thing for winning. She’s a sore, sore loser, that mare. Right now, I can see you tearing yourself apart. You don’t have that luxury, Canterlot girl. You betta pull yourself together. You’re one of us now. Don’t worry. The big mare in the big house, she provides. You’ll get your crash course about the Struggle.” Gulping bile, Twilight turned to look Sapphire Shores right in the eye. “And now you’re wondering how I knows all this.” Sapphire Shores’ lips pressed into a straight line and she leaned in close to Twilight. “That big mare I keep mentioning… she done told me that she’s been planning this since the Reconstruction. The right pony just had to come along. For a time, she was convinced that it was me of all ponies, but I’m not the one. I get mad and I want to beat ass. I don’t have patience for fools. I ain’t gots the temperment for this job. When you get back home, you go and you visit that big mare in her big house. You tell her I said that you’re the one.” “But I’m so ignorant,” Twilight said in a voice loud enough to be picked up by Sapphire Shores’ microphone. “I’m blind. I… I… I don’t even have any idea what is really going on most of the time, and just recently, I failed to notice the problem while it was happening. I’m not the one.” Reaching up with her hoof, Sapphire Shores turned off her microphone, leaned in even closer to Twilight, and then, standing cheek to cheek she said, “Canterlot girl, you gonna be a mama soon. If not you, then the pink one. And odds are good that little earth ponies are in your future. Protecting them is not enough. That’s not what the big mare wants, no. You have to change the world for them. Now, I don’t think I can do that, but you… I think that you can. I think you’ve got what it takes. Give them the world and the future that they deserve, and you do that for all of us.” “But I…” Twilight’s words faded into a melancholy squeak and her ears went limp against the sides of her head. Why was she trying to think of an excuse? Lifting her head high, she looked at the audience. No doubt, she was mired in more scandal than could ever be imagined. She had misbehaved; how much and how bad was still unknown. All of her fear, worry, and doubt was still there. Everything that she had seen, had heard, and all she had experienced, she hadn’t had time to internalise it. No real, serious effort had been made to digest everything that had happened before her tumultuous night. In the midst of all of this overwhelming realisation, Twilight turned to Pinkie. The Element of Laughter had led her to this point. Pinkie Pie had been appointed to the position of Senior Advisor of Earth Pony Affairs for a reason; Celestia had been working her plan. Beyond all of that, Pinkie had done so much more; her actions had led Twilight to this newfound place of understanding, and upon realising this, Twilight knew that she owed her friend a great deal. Somehow, she would need to smooth over and soothe all of Pinkie’s guilt, fear, and shame. You couldn’t fault a pony for acting as an agent of destiny. With a deft movement of her hoof, Sapphire Shores turned her microphone back on, backed a few steps away from Twilight, and turned to face the crowd. After clearing her throat a few times, she made a broad, sweeping gesture with her hoof and said, “The big mare in the big house has given us a chance. More than that, she’s given us a precious gift. Now, I must ask you a question… are you willing to squander that?” Ears lifting, Twilight paid attention to the crowd. At first, only a few ‘nos’ could be heard, but then something took over the crowd and the denial became a crashing swell of sound. Sweating, feeling all but sunburnt beneath the cruel lights, and with her guts twisted into knots, Twilight endured every introvert’s nightmare. “Princess Celestia gave us the means, but we have to do the work. Sorry, but that’s just the way it is for us. Princess Twilight Sparkle here, she has the ways and the means, but that’s not enough. She needs us. All of us. Each and every one of us. She’s gonna have to call in some favours… probably a lot of them. In return, we get a better deal maybe, and with it, a better future. If this fails, it’s our fault. This is our time. No more squabbling. No more bickering—” The roar that came from the crowd was enough to completely drown out Sapphire Shores and the sassy earth pony mare had no choice but to wait. Twilight realised it wasn’t just earth ponies; the audience was peppered with wings and horns aplenty. Like one of Octavia’s uplifting rising crescendos, hope ascended within Twilight’s breast, clawing its way up from the darkened depths where it had plunged. “No more corporate backing!” Sapphire Shores suddenly shouted, her voice thundering through the auditorium. “We can’t trust those fools to save us. Look what happened here, at this very bake-off. Those fools were gonna leave us high and dry. But who saved us? Who made all of this possible?” The sound that struck Twilight was a physical force and she had to lean into it as one did a strong wind. It vibrated in her bones and filled her soft tissues with a hot, fuzzy feeling. Her hangover protested this, all of this, but nothing could be done to save her. This was a moment that had to be endured, like foalbirth, or having that awkward talk with one’s mother about the joyful delights of procreation. “I say we go a step further and we send those corporations a message. We boycott those who would exploit us.” Sapphire Shores began to pace back and forth on the stage, her sweat-soaked body glistening beneath the oppressive overhead lights. “We must act as one and send a message. Twilight shared with me her vision… about a bake-off for each tribe, with the overall winner acting as a representative for their tribe. I think it is a fine idea. The very fact that it is being so thoroughly and so aggressively picked apart in the papers tells me that it is exactly what we need. The powers that be don’t want us acting together in unity… no… we’re easier to exploit if we’re divided. All us. Earth ponies, pegasus ponies, and unicorn ponies. We all know somepony that’s getting shafted.” The sound that followed was indescribable. It ruffled Twilight’s feathers and her mane was blown back away from her face. Shouting, stomping, whistling, the sound of an overwrought crowd worked into a frenzy. The hungover alicorn came to the worrisome conclusion that she had just been given an army; Sapphire Shores was securing for her a force for change. “If we want it, this could be the first day of our Reformation.” Sapphire Shores’ voice was so loud that it was somewhat distorted coming out of the sound system. After a moment, she spoke again, further inciting the crowd. “I said, if we want it, this could be the first day of our Reformation!” This was now the second loudest sound that Twilight had ever heard, with the first being caused by a massive chunk of rock called down from outer space by Princess Celestia in the long-ago past and dropped upon a city. That terrific sound haunted her dreams, but this sound, trapped within the confines of an auditorium, was no less impressive, as it was a sound made by impassioned ponies. Alas, this sound could not be endured, and it was Twilight Sparkle’s ultimate undoing.