“I’m Bear Grylls. I served with the British Special Forces, and I’ll show you what it takes to get out alive from some of the most dangerous places on Earth” a rough yet smooth voice said.
The voice paused dramatically before continuing, “I’ve got to make it through a week of challenges in the sort of places you wouldn’t survive a day without the right survival skills”
“Now, I’m in the Everfree forest, in the very Western province of Equestria, next to the Dragon Mountains, one of the most dragon-infested areas in the entire world,” It continued seriously, “one wrong move, and I’ll end up sleeping in a cave with a family of dragons. One wrong step, and I’ll end up in the middle of a pack of Timberwolves. One wrong hop, and I’ll be swimming in a swamp with hydras. I’m going to confront one of the deadliest forests in the world. Will I have the survival skills to survive?”
MAN VS WILD VS PONIES
(Sugarcube Corner)
“Ooh ooh, I got one! I got one!” Pinkie bounced around the table excitedly.
Twilight smiled and rolled her eyes good-naturedly, “Alright, Pinkie, your turn”
“Okay, okay,” Pinkie slowed down a little so that she could be understood when she talked, “Can February March?”
The girls’ exchange of confused looks triggered Pinkie’s punch line, “No, but April May!”
She started rolling around laughing as the other mares giggled a little at the obviously bad joke, “Nice one, Pinkie”
“Ooh! Ooh! I’ll be right back! Lemme just go get my joke book!” Pinkie said as she dashed upstairs into her room.
Applejack chuckled a little, “Heh, cayan’t keep’er still fer one minute”
Rarity smiled, “Maybe all the sugar she eats contributes to her erratic behavior”
“Maybe she has ADHD” Rainbow offered.
The girls nodded at this, and continued on with their conversation.
(High above Everfree forest)
The loud roar of the plane engine nearly drowned out the pilot when he spoke, “You’ve got one minute before we’re ready”
Bear nodded, “Right! The camera guy and I will get ready”
He turned, took a deep breath, and spoke to the camera, “We’re here above Everfree forest! Looking from above, I can see that there’s literally no place for us to land! There are trees EVERYWHERE, so I’ll land in the flat area between the mountains and the forest!”
The plane took a right and started flying near the mountains, ready to drop its load.
(Fluttershy’s cottage)
Fluttershy was watering her garden happily in the presence of Angel.
“Don’t you like gardening, Angel? It’s really relaxing” she chirped happily to her dearest friend.
The bunny rolled his eyes at Fluttershy, clearly annoyed with how utterly boring the activity was.
“But I do feel bad,” she admitted, “I normally go with the girls to Sugarcube Corner. I hope they don’t feel angry with me, do you think they’re angry at me?”
Angel facepawed and shook his head.
“Well, they didn’t seem mad, and-” Fluttershy said before she stopped dead.
Angel saw what she was looking at and stopped as well. He hopped onto her back hastily as she shrieked and ran towards town.
(High above Everfree forest)
“You got 30 seconds, Bear! The winds are pretty strong today, so it should blow you to the spot! Get ready!” the pilot yelled to Bear Grylls who nodded.
Bear got up from his seat, looked down, and sighed. Bear Grylls had long ago dispelled the myth of fear from his mind, but even he admitted it was a little unsettling that if something went wrong, every bone in his body would shatter almost instantly.
The pilot shouted as he counted down from ten, causing a sigh from Bear who muttered under his breath, “Here goes nothing”
Without another word, he leapt out of the plane and started plummeting to the ground. When he pulled his parachute, the winds started to carry him to the spot they wanted, just as the pilot predicted.
(Sugarcube Corner)
“What did the filly with no neck use for shampoo?” Pinkie said, clearly excited.
Rainbow groaned, “Pinkie, stop, please, this is getting really old, really quick”
“I agree,”-Rarity rolled her eyes angrily-“One joke was fine, but we don’t want to know every bad joke in the history of ponykind”
Pinkie ignored them both, “Head and shoulders!”
She rolled on the ground in laughter for the millionth time as Twilight facehoofed, “That’s enough, Pinkie, seriously”
“Okay, but one last one” Pinkie read the entire page in a matter of seconds in an attempt to find the very best one.
Applejack opened her mouth to protest, but was cut off by shrieking from outside, “TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT!”
The door burst open as Fluttershy sprinted in and crashed into Pinkie.
“What’s wrong, Sugarcube?” Applejack inquired, trying to calm down the mare.
“Th-there’s th-there’s a dra..dr-dra…” Fluttershy shivered with fear and failed to speak everything that was on her mind.
“You’ve got to enunciate, Darling” Rarity said as she patted her friend gently.
“DRAGON!” Fluttershy screamed at the top of her voice, “FLYING ABOVE EVERFREE, GOING TO THE MOUNTAINS, FLYING REALLY HIGH, GREY AND SCARY! AAAH!”
She fell to the ground and fainted as the girls all stood there, horrified. All the girls, that is, except for Pinkie Pie, who just sat there and giggled.
“Silly Fluttershy, we stopped a dragon once before, we can do it again!” Pinkie chirped.
“This is no laughing matter, Pinkie,” Twilight glared at Pinkie, “what if this dragon is meaner than the last one? And stronger?”
Rainbow rolled her eyes, “Yeah! The last one was kiiind of a wuss”
(Everfree forest)
“I hate my life” Bear struggled as he was tangled in a tree with his parachute.
The winds weren’t quite as strong as they were supposed to be to carry him to his desired point, but at least he didn’t snap his neck landing in the trees.
He turned to the camera and spoke, “Now if you’re parachuting and you find yourself caught in some trees, the most important thing is NOT to panic”
Being part bear, he effortlessly gnawed through the ropes that had bound him to the tree and fell roughly to the ground, “And that’s how you get out of ropes. If natives tie you up as a sacrifice, you can do the same thing”
He took out his compass and nodded, “I’m heading east, there’s a higher chance of finding civilization there”
Bear Grylls sprinted east confidently with an adventurous grin on his face.
(Edge of Everfree forest)
“Alright, girls, we just have to make it through the forest. After that, we’ll just follow the trail of smoke to find the cave. Are we ready?” Twilight spoke sternly to her friends.
“No” Fluttershy squeaked as she put her hooves over her face.
“Too bad,” Applejack stated bluntly as she tossed Fluttershy onto her back, “We’re ready, Twi, lead the way”
All the girls marched west into the forest confidently (Except for Fluttershy).
(Everfree forest)
“Now, if you have sunglasses,”-Bear took his out and put them on his head backwards-“put them on your head like this. Timberwolves won’t know which way to attack you, which could buy you a crucial few more minutes before you see them”
He was about to continue on, when he spotted a pool of clear, clean water.
He grinned from ear to ear, “Ah, this is perfect!”
The water shimmered and glittered in the beam of sunlight that hit it beautifully.
“Good thing I came across this water,”-He took out his canteen-“it reminded me that it’s time to drink my own piss!”
He happily gulped down every bit of urine he had in his canteen and looked back at the camera with a wide smile, “I drink nothing BUT piss! I don’t need…water…yuck! Never touch the stuff!”
He shivered at the thought of letting the foul liquid pass his lips. He couldn’t imagine being in a survival situation where he had no choice but to drink water as opposed to his own urine. Quite frankly, he didn’t think he’d actually be able to if it came to drinking water or survival.
(Somewhere else in Everfree forest)
Twilight was the first to muster up the courage to speak in the creepy forest, “Alright girls, we’ll have to come up with a plan for when we consult the dragon. Fluttershy, you’ll be going first this time”
Fluttershy was too terrified to acknowledge Twilight’s comment with words, so she let out a whimper of protest.
“An’ Rainbow, we don’t want y’all buckin’ the dragon in the face now, y’hear?” Applejack said as she poked Rainbow in the ribs.
Rainbow sighed angrily, “Alright, alright, I said I was sorry, sheesh! I just thought it would be cool to say I bucked a dragon in the face. It’s better than trying to flirt with him to get his diamonds, at least”
Rarity let out a harrumph, “Well, I never!”
Pinkie giggled, but was cut off by a death glare from Twilight, “There’s no need to fight, girls, we need to work as a team if we want this dragon gone. Isn’t that right, Fluttershy?”
Fluttershy let out another neutral whimper and continued shivering.
Rainbow looked at her for a minute, “I think she said no”
They all continued arguing as Twilight groaned, “This dragon had better cooperate”
(The other part of Everfree forest)
Bear Grylls had been sprinting for roughly half an hour now, and he wasn’t even winded. Eventually in his travels, he came up to a small, wooden shack.
He smiled widely, “Aha! Now you see, anything that’s been abandoned by humans is fair game. Let’s see what we’ve got here!”
There was a small note carved into the door that said ‘Stay out of my shed’ on it. Bear had no idea what that meant, so he broke down the door and found very little of value. There were blood-stains everywhere, but nothing to use. Still, even when there’s nothing, there’s something, as Bear would always say.
“Now, if you find an abandoned shack like this, you can always pry the boards up and use the nails, or use the boards to make something of your own” he said as he start pulling up the floor boards with his bare hands (Or should I say, BEAR PAWS).
He removed the nails with a rock and made a small pile with them on the ground. He counted roughly 24 nails in the pile and smiled brightly.
He nodded and turned to the camera, “With these, we can make that worthless clean water useful! There’s bound to be fish in it, and these will make excellent hooks!”
(The other other part in Everfree forest)
For 20 minutes, Twilight had endured the arguing and complaining of her friends, but eventually, she snapped.
“Everypony…QUIET!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, causing all but one of the ponies to stop dead in their tracks.
Pinkie Pie was still talking away, seemingly oblivious to that fact that a unicorn had just yelled in her ear, “and then I said ‘Oatmeal are you CRAZY!?’”
She stopped as well, noticing that everypony there was staring at her, “Oops, sorry!”
Everypony facehoofed as Pinkie Pie grinned widely.
This was going to be a long trip.
(The other other other part of Everfree forest)
Bear Grylls was sprinting back to the pond when something caught his eye; a timberwolf off in the distance trotting along with his comrades.
Bear Grylls smirked with an insane expression on his face, “The hunt as begin”
He got down low and crawled along, whispering to the camera, “Their sap is incredibly flammable, if you can get your hands on some, it will make excellent firewood. Their body is like a walking, unlit campfire”
He narrowed his eyes in focus and began to stalk his prey.
(The other other other other part of Everfree forest)
Twilight sighed, “No, Rarity, it doesn’t matter. We’re here to get our job done”
“But my hooves huuurt!” Rarity whined shrilly.
“I don’t care!” Twilight snapped back, “Your hooves didn’t hurt when we went to the other dragon, and that was on a MOUNTAIN”
Rarity harrumphed, “Fine, but you’re paying for a full-on spa treatment for me when I’m done with this. And Rainbow too, she smells”
“What!? Why you little-” Rainbow resumed her argument once again with the pampered pony, causing another sigh from Twilight.
Why did Twilight hang out with these ponies, again?
(The other other other other other part of Everfree forest)
Bear Grylls was closing in on the pack. It seemed like they had some prey they were going to hunt. Patience. He couldn’t afford to make any mistakes, not now. One wrong move, and the entire pack would be on him.
Bear slowly turned to the camera and whispered, “I was in the British Special Forces. I just thought I’d remind you of that”
He turned back to his prey and slowly crawled along, it seemed like they were getting ready to attack something.
(Just a few meters away)
The timberwolves were crouched down low, now, not wanting to show their prey their position. They needed to be swift and silent, and most importantly, they needed to listen to their pack leader.
They crawled along, and there, not too far in front of them, was a group of ponies. They were being incredibly loud, which had drawn the scout’s attention in the first place. The scout rallied the rest of his pack for a feast, after that.
After getting up close, the timberwolf showed that when the signal sounded, he would be the first to pounce. It was his turn, as his brother got to kill the first one in yesterday’s hunt.
The wooden monster was thinking about which one he would choose first, but eventually decided on the white one, because she looked the prettiest with her white coat. He wanted to see it stained with her blood.
(Just a few MORE meters away)
“An’ you think we smell ‘cause we work all day? Yeh city pony, y’all don’t know the first thing ‘bout hard work” Applejack stated fiercely.
“Hmph! Well at least I have the decency to shower after I do any sort of physical activity” Rarity said in an almost matter-of-fact tone of voice.
“Then I guess you never shower,” Rainbow started in again, “because you never work!”
Rarity was about to respond, when the group stopped dead. Behind Applejack, they heard a bloodcurdlingly shrill howl. When they looked in the direction of the noise, they saw several timberwolves slowly rising from the bushes.
The howl, however, was just a distraction, to draw their attention away from the main force, which they were looking away from.
The timberwolf got ready to pounce on the annoyingly shrill white one, who turned just in time to see it coming, mid-air.
Time seemed to move in slow motion as Rarity let out a scream. The wolf could feel his target’s blood in his mouth as he sped towards it. Any second now, he would dine on its sweet, tasty flesh. It would start with the flank first; there seemed to be the most fat there.
As he was nearing his target, it became apparent to him that he would not complete his mission, as a foot rocketed down from above and caved his head in on the head ground mid-air, killing him instantly.
The strange monkey thing flicked open a weapon of some sort. A knife. It then started gouging out the eyes of the timberwolves with it. The battle raged on as the ponies shrank down like Fluttershy, screaming in terror as this weird creature beat the living tar out of these wooden monsters. Just when they thought one was going to sneak up on him, it took a roundhouse kick to the snout, which splintered and embedded itself in its brain, killing it instantly.
Finally, after the last of the timberwolves had fallen, one final challenger had appeared. The alpha, glaring with its big, glowing eyes. Bear got into his fighting stance.
He smirked with a blood-crazed expression on his face as he flicked his knife closed and readied his fists, “Game on”
The alpha growled fiercely and stepped out of the shadows, revealing that it was almost the size of a bear.
Bear laughed, “You’re almost as big as mum! Almost. And I killed mum. What does that say about you?”
The alpha dove at him in a frenzy and was met with a roundhouse kick to the side of the head. Their battle was near-legendary status, but unfortunately for the alpha, it was no match for the infamous Bear Grylls.
Eventually, Bear killed the alpha. It proved it could withstand a lot of punishment, having taken a few blows from Bear when he pulled off its leg and beat it to death with it.
He laughed maniacally and roared as he looked over his work. He then caught the eyes of the shivering ponies.
He smiled widely, “Well, looks like I saved your lucky arses. Lucky you”
They were shivering, but before Bear turned away to leave, Rainbow had something to say, “That. Was. AWESOME!”
Bear stopped and spun around, “Another human!? Civilization!”
He looked for the source of the voice, and caught the eyes of the rainbow-colored creature that he had just saved, “That was the most awesome thing I’ve seen in my ENTIRE LIFE! Would you pretty please teach me how to do that!?”
She batted her eyelashes in a failed attempt to seduce him as he gasped loudly and dramatically, “Talking, multi-colored WEASELS!”
“WEASELS!?” Rarity exclaimed rather loudly, “I’ll have you know that I am a pony, and I deserve to be treated as such!”
Bear blinked then turned to the camera, “Talking weasels! Who taught them to do this!? Probably the same people that covered them like this! Fascinating! But, as they say, talking weasels means civilization nearby!”
“Uh, who are you talking to?” Twilight inquired.
Ignoring the comment, he rubbed his non-existent goatee, appearing deep in thought, “Hmmm, perhaps you could all help me! I need to make use of these nails as fish hooks. I found a pond of cool, clean water earlier and I think there are some fish in it I can eat!”
“Where did you get those nails if you’re a wild animal?” Rainbow asked, wondering what the buck was going on.
Finally acknowledging one of them directly, he turned to Rainbow and smiled, “I found them in an abandoned shack earlier. It said ‘stay out of my shed,’ but I didn’t stay out of the shed, because I served in the British Special Forces. Does that mean anything to you lot?”
Their eyes widened in realization and Fluttershy avoided eye contact with everypony else, “No, no it doesn’t. New subject, what’s your name?”
“My name is Bear Grylls. I served with the British Special Forces, and I’ll show you what it takes to get out alive from some of the most dangerous places on Earth” he said in what appeared to be a rehearsed manner.
“Um, Mister…Grylls? Was it? Yes, did you happen to see any dragons on the way here, perchance?” Rarity asked innocently.
“Well,” he started, “I was up above the forest in the plane not too long ago, and I didn’t see any dragons. I was up so high I probably would have seen a massive, lumbering creature”
The girls’ eyes went wide in shock, “You can fly!?”
He shook his head, “No, I was in the plane, which could fly”
Applejack raised an eyebrow, “Er, and what exactly IS a plane, there, Sugarcube?”
“Oh, it’s a big, grey flying thingy” he explained rather undescriptively.
“Well, that would explain what Fluttershy saw” Twilight said as she looked towards the shy mare.
Fluttershy finally looked up and spoke, “So there’s no dragon?”
“Nope!” Pinkie chirped, making everypony realize that she had been uncharacteristically quiet for more than five seconds, a remarkable feat on its own, “But Gryllsy here would protect us from a mean ol’ dragon if it came here! Wouldn’t you Gryllsy?”
Bear put on an adventurous pose, “I’m Bear Grylls, and I served with the British Special Forces”
“Er, Mr. Grylls, why don’t you come with us back to Ponyville? We can talk there, this forest air can NOT be good for my complexion” Rarity said, desperate to be back home after this crazy adventure.
“Rrright! Let’s go then! Try and keep up!” Bear exclaimed as he picked up all six ponies and began to sprint.
“Wrong way Bear, WRONG WAY!” Twilight exclaimed as they started running towards the mountains.
Bear stopped and blinked, “I knew that, I served in the British Special Forces. I was just testing you, try and keep up!”
He turned around and sprinted in the direction he thought was Ponyville with six multicolored ponies on his back. This was going to be a good day.