Chapter Twenty-Seven: Cross-Up
✧❖☬❖✧
An old lullaby warning against the dangers of going to sea with a mad captain ran through my head after a flash of crimson flames blew the door before us to pieces. Sadly, the pieces of that door didn’t really go all that far, and there were plenty of pissed off Minotaurs on the other side of it. However, ‘Jayne’ waved her hands and some blood that had been scattered and splattered about came to her hands to form a wicked looking staff, topped with a bloody tiger holding an orb on the top of the creation. Jayne slammed her staff on the ground once and I heard a groan behind us and the rattling of bones, so I turned around because I figured that my partner in murder had the front.
Much to my chagrin, Herodotus’ bones roses from the floor, marred and maimed though they were. His eyes sockets glowed with a sinister light that I was none too fond of, so I nudged the woman who got me into this particular bit of madness in the first place and asked, “Is that you with big and Kingly, or are we fucked?”
“I’m steering him. I need you to buy us some time.” She replied tersely. “I wasn’t expecting the fucking Spanish Inquisition to be on the other side of the doors.”
“What is the meaning of this!?” A Bull roared, two more coming to the front of the crowd along with him. “Who dares invade the Ironclad Keep and defame the Iron Crown!?”
“Yo.” Jayne raised a hand.
“Heya.” I turned the rest of the way around. “Not to be a snitch, but I did the Keep and she did the Crown.”
“Hey!”
“He asked.” I shrugged.
Jayne gave me a shitty look. “Yeah, but he was a dick about it!”
“Silence, fools! Who has slain our KING!?” Loud-mouth shouted.
My soulmate raised her hand and I pointed at her. “Me.”
The main three Minotaurs each fell to one knee in turn. “Our Queen!”
“Pffft!” My voice caught in my throat as Jayne’s face lit up bright red and she looked at the guy’s she’d probably been planning on killing. “Nig- Mino- Niggataur, did you lot just say Queen?”
The guy who’d been talking nodded, raising his head to look at me. “As the Queen’s Consort, you have the right to challenge Herodotus’ Queen for her land under Herodotus’ own laws.”
I looked at Jayne and she looked looked at me. “There’s a Queen?” I whispered.
She hit me. “How long did you spend here? How did you not know whether or not there’s a Queen?”
A noise of ‘I don’t know’ was made and I just got a look for being the most brilliant idiot before Jayne lead the way over to the veritable army of Bovine Brethren. When she gestured for the fellows to rise, they did as she gestured for and still saluted and bowed before her. “It was told by the Oracle in her last days that Herodotus would meet a challenge this night. Many edicts have been made and altered regarding this night, but in essence, you are now the rightful heir to the Iron Crown, my Lady.”
Jayne made a face. “Alright, so that’s going to be annoying. I’m a Queen and there’s another Queen. What’s up with that?”
“Queen Hermione of Equinis sent us here from her personal lands to tell either Herodotus or the winner of the duel that she intends on coming to the castle for the first time in fifty years.”
“Damn.” I commented, a little surprised by the length of her absence and the callousness of the implication.
“Shut up, Garrison.” Jayne said smoothly. “So she was prepared for her husband to go back to being regular dead instead of undead?”
The fellow nodded. “Yes, My Lady. Her Majesty Queen Hermione is more than meets the eye, which is saying very much.” He gave my partner a meaningful look. “May I ask your name, Your Grace?”
Jayne glanced at me and said, “My name is Mari Jayne, and I assume I have the right to deny the titles and all this bullshit if I want, right?”
“If you do, then you’ll be arrested for treason and Hermione will kill you slowly. She is far more powerful than Herodotus.” The Minotaur said bluntly, giving her a dull look.
I scratched my head. “That’s nice and all, but what do we do now?”
“First we clear up the fact that you’re like one of my Knights or Advisors rather than being my fuckin’ Consort.” Jayne said easily, almost hurting my feelings, “after that, you go and tell our friends that I’m alive and neither of us stay in this shitty room any longer.”
“Sounds good to me.”
“... You can’t clean this mess up?” The once-shouty fucker asked.
I looked to Jayne and she sighed. “Sure, whatever.” The blood in the room started gathering and flowed into her purse while she checked a wristwatch I hadn’t noticed her wearing. After a moment or two, she started tapping her foot while the blood petered in until the flow stopped. “And we’re good.”
The Minotaur nodded and I watched as heaps of bones continued to stack themselves for easier clean up. “Thank you, Queen Jayne. Shall I show you to your temporary quarters?”
“Nah, I’m stepping out for a drink and a toke. It’s been a long ass night, you know?”
“The sooner you get started on accepting your duties, the sooner you’ll be prepared for them.”
Jayne gave the Bull a look. “I’ll eat your hooves with cheddar and habaneros, motherfucker.”
He nodded. “As you wish, Your Grace.”
“Just call me Q Jayne.”
“... Q Jayne?” The fellow asked.
“Short for ‘Queen Jayne’. I’m not diggin’ the feminine ‘Your Grace’ bullshit, you know? I mean, I don’t really even want to be a Queen, but-”
“You will surely die if you don’t~” Lujei sang on the breeze.
“Yeah, that.” Jayne muttered.
“What’s your name, Bruv?” I asked the main Minotaur guy.
He gave me a droll look. “What is your title?”
“What’s yours?” Jayne asked for me.
“I am the former King’s Herald.”
“This guy is like, my Spymaster.” She jabbed me in the ribs with her thumb.
I tugged on her hair. “Sure thing.”
“Ow! Prick.” She grumbled.
“Sorry, I’ll be more subtle about it next time.”
“My name is Perseus, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t abuse the Queen of Minosia.” The Minotaur said flatly.
“She started it!” I protested.
Perseus gave me a flat look before turning to Jayne. “... This is your Spymaster?”
“The guy’s actually a tactical genius and he’s better at infiltration than just about anyone I’m supposed to know. He gets stealth. He’s just older than fuck and crazy as shit.” My so-called ‘partner’ answered.
“Thanks.” I grunted.
“Aww, does your pussy hurt?” She teased.
I gave her a look. “You like breathing, don’t you?”
She went to answer and found that she couldn’t, which I let happen for a solid ten seconds before her face started turning red and she was ready to pull a gun on me. “Fucking. Prick.”
“Don’t take shots at me for no reason.” I answered coldly.
Jayne patted my arm. “Didn’t know I was hitting a nerve, Soyboy. I’ll keep it to a minimum.”
“Keep talking. You strike the surface; I’ll hit your heart.”
She turned to me with an easy, maniacal smile. “We’re friends right now. Don’t make me tear your mind apart.”
“Now’s a great time for an argument and all, but I’d rather rendezvous with my lover.”
“And so would I, to be honest with you. Let’s get the fuck outta here, Dude.”
Jay and I touched knuckles, the bad blood fading away from my veins since I just didn’t want to squabble with her in the first place, and I sensed that Jayne had just been putting up a front and hadn’t really meant her bullshit. Still, she should have kept her mouth shut for the unnecessary bits. Perseus and his two guys lead us out of the Ironclad Castle and we were instructed to return by eight in the morning later on in the day since it was past midnight at this point. We didn’t have much time to sleep, but I did have the time and Magic needed to get Jayne and I into the air and down into one of Bite-Back’s hidey holes so we could get back to base nice and proper. We ended up waiting in the chamber we chose for two of our eight hours, Jayne and I both having fallen asleep at some point until some Cow came to collect us.
Jayne and I were allowed a meal and rest before our debriefing, but I’d already sensed the mood in Bonetown. People were grieving and hearts were heavy, meaning that my Keep-Crashers had most likely been caught and slain. I didn’t like that we’d lost more people than Herodotus had, but we’d finally freed Minosia from his tyranny, and now Jayne was evidently in power and seemed to have the support of the other ruling party, so there was always that. After skipping breakfast to go straight to the debriefing, Jayne and I learned that a portion of Bite-Back had been sold out during the Keep’s bloody massacre and that the Bitches who’d abandoned him and Maud before shit went down at the Castle were already dead for deserting during the most important mission of their relatively insignificant lives. Maud was present at the meeting, but Frieda and Dagger Fall were missing in action, and no one had a single clue as to where they might have gone other than I myself. I planned on heading to the inn Dagger had told me about after making sure that I wouldn’t be followed, but Maud wanted my attention after the meeting and I was happy to give it to her.
We strolled topside with our cloaks on and a decent feeling in our soles since no one that had died had been personal friends of ours or anything, and we managed to get some amazing sandwiches for breakfast, so that was nice. Maud and I never picked up a tail anywhere we went, so we were able to get to the Fly’s Eye with few troubles, if any at all. I mean, the worst part of the walk had to be the fact that I couldn’t look at Maud and her lovely figure during the event, but I still got to spend the time with her and we spoke about some things that lovers should know about each other. I learned that Maud was a little afraid of the dark, liked to sleep with extra pillows just in case she wanted to snuggle one,and she was also particularly fond of pine and the sap that it seeped whenever a fresh tree was cut. She actually enjoyed eating said sap, but Ponies are weird like that.
In turn, I told Maud about my fond memories with Aria and explained the happenings of the past six months as I knew of them on Equis, but there was little that she wasn’t already staying informed on. She mentioned that she’d like to meet Aria face to face some time, and I was a little apprehensive about that since Pinkie’s reaction was one I would’ve expected from Aria, or rather, something of the sort. I didn’t doubt that Aria would give Maud a hard time over not being the right kind of woman for me, but I could hold out hope for the better, so I did and made sure that my Hope-Boner didn’t grow too long, lest someone cut it off. Speaking of Hope-Boners, I took Maud by a smith’s shop and had her pick out a weapon for her own personal use. She chose to have a pair of knuckle-dusters made, which I supported since it meant that they would protect her hands from the evil faces of those she punched. The reason that relates to a Hope-Boner is because I hoped Maud didn’t decide to punch me with her newly-made weapons.
By the time we got to the Fly’s Eye, nothing had happened other than me spotting Frieda trying to get closer to Maud and I from the other side of a thick, though small crowd of Cats. We entered the inn instead of waiting on her outside because it was fucking hot outside, but then again, it was fucking hot in the inn too, so it kinda sucked either way. Frieda collected us as we were getting some fruity drinks that were getting popular in Minosia, so we made her sit her feathery arse down and get a drink with us because I, for one, was fine enough as it was just knowing that Ladesa was safe.
Then I got halfway through the sausage-shriveling drink and wondered if I’d actually gone fully fucking retarded for the six minutes it’d taken me to get through my drink. Ladesa most likely needed one Hell of a shoulder to cry on at the moment and had probably let her Flash Face keep her kosher long enough for her Guildmaster to show up. Guilt panged away at my heart and I bid Maud and Frieda a brief farewell, stating that I was most likely going to be sending Dagger down shortly after I went up to the room they’d rented anyway. Maud needlessly warned me against laying Ladesa, even if she begged me for it, and I made sure to flip her off with both hands and stick my tongue out at her for extra effect before fucking off.
When I went up to the room, Dagger was casually trying to get into Ladesa’s pants because he didn’t think anyone would have a problem with it. Ladesa tried to not have a problem and just get lost in the distraction, but I still waved him out with, “Try to get some another time. Desa and I need to talk.”
He gave me a look. “Can’t it wait like, ten minutes or something?”
“I wasn’t asking, but I am now. Please?”
Dagger tried to puzzle that one out. “... Does that mean-”
“It means get the fuck out already.” I interjected drily.
“Smartass.”
“You opened the door. This is rather serious though. Again; come back another time.”
He looked to Ladesa with a hopeful smile, but she was staring at me, barely keeping her mask on. “Um… Desa? You want me-”
“Dagger, you’re appreciated and… Well, ‘appreciated’ is adequate. Most moments are good moments, but this is not a good moment. Catch my drift?”
“C’mon, I’m Counting Crew! You can’t keep cutting me out of-”
Ladesa smacked him before I could catch her. “Get out!” I snapped at Dagger, lunging forward to grab my Guildee’s wrists before she could start doing real damage.
While Dagger was in the process of getting the fuck out of the danger zone, I was busy getting slapped around by Ladesa because I’d been too nice to just shove Dagger Fall’s dumb arse out of the way. By the time my Magic managed to steal her breath from her and rend her strength from her limbs, I was in worse shape than I’d been in, that’s for fucking sure. I could barely hold my arms over my head, battered down to my knees, left groggy and bereft of a clear thought until Ladesa clung to me with what little strength she had left. After flooding the room with fresh air, we both gasped and panted, though she was desperate for a breath period and I was aching for some inhalations that didn’t feel like I had a broken rib. She got what she wanted and I had to do without for the time being, but no one ever said being a Guildmaster was easy, after all. Hell, Desmond loved bitching about keeping everyone in line every chance he got, and as I wiped some of either Ladesa’s blood or my own off of my face, I was pretty damn sure why.
Once I managed to gather enough strength to get to my feet, I somehow managed to drag Ladesa’s sobbing, seizure-like tremoring arse to her feet and get her back to her bed so I could hold her to my chest and stroke the surprisingly soft, pell-mell strands of her hair back into some manner of order while softly whispering comforting assurances to her while listening to the Hatter hooks she was babbling, though they were mostly just gruesome recreations of what she’d heard during the last moments of nearly a thousand people, I’d wager. It’d taken me far too long to realize that she’d been crying in different cadences, using different intonations for some of her moans and whimpers that just didn’t fall within what I thought sounded like her vocal range. As Dissida’s Emissary-In-Training, I’d been taught how to make people mute themselves by straining their voices from one end of the spectrum to another, and Ladesa’s mooing struck me as a little odd. She gripped my armour for dear life as more and more disturbingly accurate facsimiles of pained, animalistic squawks, screeches, yowls, howls, whinnies, moos, bleats: Everything. Everything that had a voice on Equis was represented in Ladesa’s Lamentation, which was just…
{So you heard everything she heard in the prison before shit went down. Never told me that.}
[...]
I never wanted to. Jayne, there’s a lotta shit we haven’t told each other. We’ll find out more as we keep talking, no?
{When do we stop talking?}
[When I say so. Keep going.]
Grief and relief battled in my heart, trying to break each other’s spirit’s as they tried to decide whether my heart was breaking for my little firebrand or if it was just glad that I technically still had my piece on the grand board in this mad, mad mission I had. A piece of me was beyond happy that Ladesa had survived the massacre, but that same part of me wondered at what cost my victory had come. The longer I held the broken soul that had once been a Spitfyre like no other, ready to snatch and dash at a moment’s notice, the more…
{... Don’t make me shoot you, man.}
[Oh, shut up. It’s cute when he transforms!]
{... Yeah, thanks for turning back.}
The longer I stayed in contact with Ladesa, the longer I felt her heart and mind throb, pulsing with shards of obsidian and flint digging their way ever deeper into her being, the more I bartered with Dissida. When she flat out refused to give me what I want since it was a conflict of interest, I was furious. There… Knowing that nothing I could do, nothing I could say, nothing that would just help her… It was like watching Aria die all over again. Yes, I enslaved Ladesa, but there was no point at which it was supposed to be long-term. She’d visited me after I’d enslaved Dissida and we’d set up the whole damn plan just between the two of us, but without her in a decent state, there were going to be amendments and adjustments abound, and none of them were going to be one-off, ineffectual alterations. Ladesa was supposed to help me get my Guild up and running, and now that she was a little more than down for the count, it seemed unlikely that my plans were going to go anywhere fast without my direct influence.
I honestly couldn't be all that happy that Ladesa had made it through her stint in Odysseus’ little circle of Hell since she’d come out of it with quite a few mental scars out of the ordeal, and by the time I realized that Maud, Frieda, and Dagger were all in the room, three hours had passed and Ladesa was still a mess beyond repair at the moment. I just held onto her a little tighter for a moment before letting go, making her pull away from me and give a hoarse groan just before she keeled over, out like a light. Thankfully she still wasn’t dead, but I didn’t exactly feel any better because of it. Sometimes death is a mercy, and it certainly felt like Ladesa deserved a spoonful, just not from me.
“... That was pretty horrifying.” Frieda said softly.
I nodded at her.
She rubbed her arm and looked at Ladesa. “... She was holding it together pretty well when she woke up…”
“She was a Varas. It would’ve been shameful if she broke down before her Guildmaster showed up for the debriefing.” I answered tonelessly.
“... And you decided to sit down and grab a drink?” Frieda asked, taking a tone she’d never taken with me before.
“... I didn’t want to remember the Keep.” I answered, daring her to object as I lifted my chin. “You want the guy with the arrow in his leg to hobble over to the girl with a gash in her gut as soon as possible, but we both needed time to get it together.”
The heat in her gaze cooled slightly, but then she carried on with, “So what? She was there for days and you were there for maybe an hour.”
“Ladesa was trapped in her cell when I found her. She didn’t see any of the things I saw. She didn’t get the full experience. She heard and smelled the carnage as it was happening, but I saw the results.” I shot back, my tone chilling rapidly.
“After what you did to Odysseus? Seriously?”
“Odysseus was the one killing everyone.”
“... Oh.” She said softly.
Dagger coughed. “... Please tell me you re-killed him.”
“I set him on fire in a sea of flaming blood. He was still kicking the last time I saw him. That was after shooting him in the face with an arrow that could have ruined a person-sized tree.”
“Aww fuck!” Frieda squawked. “How are we supposed to handle a guy that’s faster than a Cat and stronger than just about any Bull while he’s a super Zombie!?”
“I know a gal who can help, if Odie is even still moving anymore.” I said. “Jay is going by Mari Jayne or some shit right now, so Jayne can probably put Odie down if I can’t. That little hand-cannon of hers is nasty.”
“I am like a cannon.” Maud said drolly.
“You’re my favorite cannon. And the prettiest.” I replied, giving her a subtle nod. “As for the plan, we need to get Ladesa back to Equestria so we can find someone to help her heal her mind. That’s my first priority right now.”
“... So what about Odysseus?” Frieda asked slowly.
“Hope he’s dead or get Jayne to kill him for you. Ladesa is blood. She needs my attention. There’s nothing else to it.”
“What if I needed your attention?” Maud asked, tilting her head slightly.
“Then I would find someone I trust to leave Ladesa with for however long it took for us to do your thing, depending on how time-sensitive it is.” I answered, knowing that Maud most likely wouldn’t bother me for anything unimportant.
The Maud Nod occurred and I looked at Frieda. “How attached are you to Minosia?”
“I’m not going to Equestria, if that’s what you’re asking.” She answered flatly.
I shook my head. “I don’t need you to recruit for my Guild where I’ll be recruiting.”
She blinked twice before the corners of her beak raised into an evil little grin and she folded her talons. “So Operation: Counting Crew is officially over?”
I nodded and there were muted, mildly reserved cheers from Dagger and Frieda and a few soft claps from Maud. “Yay.” She breathed.
If I wasn’t in a considerable amount of pain, I might have found it even cuter than I already did. “That was adorable, but that does mean that Operation: Biting Wind is now underway, and I need to be in Equestria to get it started.” I rubbed my side and winced, getting off of the bed.
Maud and Frieda had been sitting, so they stood too. “I can carry Ladesa if you are unable.” My Flame stated.
“Yeah, I’m going to be on light duty for a bit. Ladesa hits too fucking hard.”
“She hit you?”
“She had a mental breakdown because Dagger wouldn’t get the fuck out of her face.” I said flatly.
He coloured as the other two women in the room turned to look at him. “I-I didn’t know anything was wrong! I thought we were just talking!”
They rolled their eyes and Maud came over to pick Ladesa up, being extra careful with her as per my request. My Guild Sister coughed a few times in her ‘sleep’, sounding weak and unfortunately ill as Maud carried her out of the inn an into the direct heat of the Sun, but Ladesa was shivering while we were outside, which worried me even more. I didn’t like seeing a Varas on her sickbed, waiting to die, and I doubted that Desmond would have been proud of me in the moment. Even though I’d done everything exactly as he’d taught me, I’d just been too late to save Ladesa completely, and the only thing I had to show for my efforts was the pitiful shell of a woman who couldn’t stop shaking to save her life, let alone get a spoonful of soup anywhere near her mouth.
Getting back to Bonetown was no trouble at all since people gave us a wide berth, assuming that we were transporting a sick person since we technically were, but the person who was manning the entrance to our destination was slow in getting the door for us. We couldn’t open it from our side, so I laid the fuck into the Bull who’d started to grumble about being interrupted in the middle of something unimportant because if Ladesa had been wounded, she very easily could have died before he got the damn door. Even while injured, the adrenaline that was surging through my veins at that point earned that Minotaur a personal tutoring session with Douglerina on the finer points of being a responsible doorman for his organization until Frieda and Dagger got me away from him. In fairness, I’d done my shouting and whacking at the same time, so there was no extra time wasted in getting Ladesa to the Sick Bay and me to Maud’s quarters.
I collected my gear and started heading off in the general direction of the Smithing quarters since I figured Jayne would just go back to doing what she’d been doing, and lo’ and behold! I was wrong for once, but it didn't take me long to find out that Jayne was eating in the cafeteria. However, by the time I got there, she was already said to have retired to her room, so, with little else to do and a great desire to go get patched up in a country where the job would get done right, I managed to get to Jay’s room on what little energy I had and let myself in because fuck knocking. You want to pick up from here?
{I can if you want.}
Please?
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So after Garrison and I parted ways from the shitfest that was the Ironclad Castle in the Catacombs, I spent four hours in the fucking sick-bay because of blood loss and the wounds I’d gotten from taking on Herodotus. Not that I’m any kind of proud of it, but I was a fucking handful while they were patching me up in the Sick bay, and it’s not really because I wanted to be. The runes I’d carved into myself in preparation for the fight had all pulled at least double-duty, meaning that the scars had sank into my flesh and ruined the nerves beneath. The runes that had helped me ignore the pain and keep fighting long enough to make it out alive were alive and well again, and agony was the wrong word for it. Blood flowed freely and I had to be strapped down once I let my runes fade away so that the backlash wouldn’t be any worse, but I was alive and I was… Alive. That was about as good as it got. It wasn’t the worst pain I’d ever felt, but still. By the time I was patched up and my nerves were normalized, I’d sweat through my clothes, soaked the bed, and was gasping for breath, but then again, it could have been a week-long torment instead of a few hours, so there’s always that.
Once I got a grip and had a bathroom break, I was in the Mess Hall eating everything. I had three full loaves of bread gone in under ten minutes, a medium-sized pot of vegetable soup, some sausage that was leftover from breakfast, and half a chocolate cream pie. Most of it was burnt straight into raw Mana that soothed my nerves and replenished my reserves without making me dip into my supply, which was a really nice thing. However, I had a lot of people staring at me for some reason or another. When I actually kinda started giving a shit about it, the peeps started clapping one by one like it was some cheesy ass movie or something, so I started looking around like they’d all lost their damn minds when they started hooping and fucking hollering for no discernible fucking reason.
And then I remembered that I just killed the guy that’s been subjugating them and making their lives a living Hell for some time.
My face flushed bright red and I really wished I could fuckin’ teleport or something. Being the center of attention was always Ty’s thing; not mine. I like getting praise for doing a good job and all, but I don’t need a fucking cafeteria full of people on their feet, cheering me on like I hadn’t just accidentally killed at least five relatively innocent people by summoning the Saint of Sin. Instead of being ostentatious or some shit, I decided that a wave would be good and cleaned up after myself, but people started walking up to me left and right, congratulating me on both my victory and my feast. One of those was a little bit more pride-worthy than the other to say the least, but I honestly took more joy in being able to down vast amounts of food than I did in killing Herodotus. There was more pride in the fight, but the fun in the food was unmistakable, and if I can’t have Fluttershy’s cooking, then I’d rather have a lot of it. Quality over quantity and all that.
Once I was done with my shit, I went back to my room and barely had two seconds to think about getting changed before heading back to the castle when Garrison decided that privacy was a thing of the past and nearly ran into me. “Shite, nearly didn’t see you there,” he hissed.
I’d seen him coming through the door by glimpsing into the future, but I hadn’t expected his timing to be so perfect. “Suh, Dude? You ‘bout ready to head back to the castle or nah?”
“Change of plans. Ladesa’s down for the count and we need to get her back to Equestria to see a real, competent doctor that might actually know what’s wrong with her.”
I raised a brow. “What happened?”
“... Some pretty bad psychological torture and smoke inhalation. It was burning flesh and blood, so I doubt she’ll be okay for much longer, despite being a Demi-goddess.”
My frown mirrored Garrison’s. “Then take care of you and yours, Bruhman. I gotta handle this Minosia business, and I need your ass back here ASAP like that old muhfucker Rocky.”
“Fucking-” Garrison made a frustrated noise and started pacing, making me fold my arms and look at him.
“Thoughts?”
“I’m trying. I can’t leave you here alone, but I don’t have a way of getting a letter to Celestia so she can ship Aria here to heal Ladesa, not that she’d even do it. Amelemme is notorious for disliking Demi-Gods in the fucking first place, so she’s not helping… Fuck.” He spat.
“Ay, you trust Maud with your life, don’t you? Ask her.”
“She’s not here for our mission, Jay-”
“Call me Jayne.” I corrected, my ass too tight to be raped.
“Oh, Mari Jayne. Right. Maud’s here on her own business. She’s not slated to make an early trip to Equestria.”
Digging through my memory, I found one that was slightly tangy. ”Don’t you know a medic who’d suck your dick for a scoop of the dirt you walked on?”
His eyes snapped open and he sprinted out of my room like he’d heard the call of pussy and he was a thirteen year-old boy with unlimited internet access, which was fine by me. Not like I wanted back up while going into the formerly evil castle or anything. IT was all good as I got undressed and re-dressed in some decent looking clothes that were too feminine for my tastes, meaning that I still kinda looked masculine with my attire, but not enough to make me ignore the fact that my thighs no longer cupped anything when I sat down. Getting used to being a woman was kicking my ass- No, wait, it was fucking my ass with no lube and the other part of the thing that was me that was supposed to either support me or shut the fuck up and die just kept making life worse for me. I don’t even want to talk about the fucking cramps, man. Of all possible times, of all possible things, I had to have my fucking period out of the blue, though I did connect the dots on why I’d been feeling so tired lately and got a little more pissed at that. However, ya gal ain’t no dumbass, so I did what any Super Sane Rune ‘Master’ would do: I wrote out a celtic knot in Tweek-Speeke, lined the little bastard in Sola-Festus, and basically gave myself a reversible hysterectomy through magic. The relief was instant, but the bleeding kept on going, though it’s not like I was terribly worried about it. After cramming a bunch of toilet paper in my drawers, I fucked off and had someone show me how to get topside.
Knowing that I’d basically made her sterile made Mari lose her fucking mind and start trying to take over the body so she could grieve while I was walking, but I just laughed and carried on about my day after asking, “Was it worth it?”
Her response was, “... You couldn’t just deal with it?”
“Tch, if I don’t have to, why should I? This isn’t me. I’ll be ditching this Shell as soon as I can.”
“If it’s not you-”
“Because you were making my life Hell in my head and it’s bad enough as it is, Mariana. I didn’t and don’t need you tormenting me at every turn for something I have no control over.” I got some weird looks for talking to myself, but that just gave people a reason to stay away from me, so that was nice.
“It- I- You… Just… We’re not even a woman anymore…”
“Never wanted to be one in the first place. It’s a little liberatin’, actually. I certainly feel better.”
“If I could die, I would.” She thought at me tonelessly.
“Same boat, no paddles. Are you gonna keep fuckin’ with me? ‘Cause I can put more holes in your side of the boat too.”
“I get it, Jayne.”
“Ay, at least we’re clear.” I shrugged and kept it movin’.
Making it to the castle was easy, getting through the gates was easy, and getting to the War Room was as simple as following a voluptuous Cow with hips for days, an ass that made her tail go almost horizontal, and a chest that I was sure even the weird fuckers that were into inflation might have trouble handling. The woman was definitely stacked from front to back, and that’s not even mentioning the pretty brown eyes she had. Other than that, she looked like a cow that walked on two legs, so I wasn’t trying to think too hard about her, just in case some bovine bullshit popped off in the future. I didn’t remember what my dick felt like, but I imagined that it’d be pretty nice to use it again.
And then I walked into the servant I was supposed to be following because I’d been spaced the fuck out and starting straight ahead. I managed to somehow ignore the feeling of her mounds on the top of my head because I’d walked into her solar plexus. Backing up and pretending like it didn’t happen seemed like something a Queen would do, so I did that. “Are you up for a challenge?”
The cow had been giving me a mildly amused look until then, her smile turning to a look of concern at my question. “Y-Your Grace?”
“Call me Q Jayne.”
“Q… Jayne?” She repeated slowly.
“Sounds like what I said, so I think you’ve got it.” I gave her a little smirk and a wink.
She actually blushed. “Oh- Oh. Oh. Um… Yes, Q Jayne.”
I grimaced. “Eh, now it sounds kinda stupid.”
“I-I’m sorry, I-I-I didn’t mean to offend you-”
“What? No, I said it sounded stupid, why would you be in trouble? Besides, I’m not that much of a hardass, just don’t get carried away with the bullshittin’ and it’s all good, y’know?”
She stared at me.
“What’s your name anyway?”
“Bellony.” She answered blankly.
I let my face screw up before I started giggling at her. “Did you just say bologna?”
“B-E-L-L-O-N-Y” The blushing cow replied quietly.
“Ah, fuck, that’s a great, great name. I’m promoting you to my personal maid or whatever; you’re fun.”
She gave me an awkward smile and curtsied. “Thank you, Mistress. I deeply appreciate the honor.”
Bellony was still taller than me while halfway bent over, so I walked up under her and booped her. She stood back up and I got another chuckle out of that. “Alright, I’m gonna try and get serious here.” I clapped a hand over my smile and before dropping it to reveal a straight line of sexy-ass lips. “Ight, what are we doing?”
Bellony pointed toward the door to her left with her right hand. “That’s the War Room, and-”
I forestalled her with a hand. “Just gotta jog the memory, Bell. We’re back in action. You’re coming in too, right?”
“I-If you want?” She said, obviously surprised.
I shrugged. “It’s up to you. Grab a snack and something to drink, come back, and wait for me to come grab you if you don’t feel like coming in.”
Bellony closed her eyes and huffed out a few chuckles, “You are so not royalty.”
“Hey, Celestia’s actually supposed to be pretty cool, and Twilight Sparkle’s a real sweetheart. Fuck Celestia, though. and I might get the chance to fuck Twilight.”
She chuckled some more and gave me a smile. “I have a funny feeling that you’re going to have a hard time of it, but I’ll make sure that the staff knows what kind of person is leading the charge.”
I cracked a smile at that and gave her a nod. “Thanks. Off to work I go, right?”
“Don't let the blatant sexism get to you.” Bell gave me one last smile tinged with a bit of sympathy before heading off to go do what I’d told her to do.
Without having redone any of my runes, it was actually a little hard to open the damn door to the War Room, but I refused to make it look anything less than effortless. What I wanted and what happened were two different things, but the fact that I was pissed at the door for being so damned heavy evidently made some of the old fucks in the room wary of me. I looked around and counted six heads, all Bulls, and immediately knew where I was going to start making changes.
The second bull to my left started to stand up and open his mouth, but I pointed at him. “Unless you’re telling me that I’m more handsome than any man you’ve seen, then you’re going to say something along the lines of ‘Being tardy for your first meeting shows little promise for the future, especially with the legitimacy disputes already occurring over your incumbency.’. That being said, if you were literally going to say that, then I’d sit down, shut up, and save my breath breath because I’m old and I need to save as many as I can. If I were you, that is.”
The old man sat down wide-eyed. “... Yes, My Lady.”
I rolled my eyes and hopped onto the table, walking across it to go to where I was evidently supposed to sit. Sadly, the seat that was there was meant for a man who was at least three feet taller than me and probably four times my weight, so I took a knee instead of sitting and looked around the table. “Alright. Let’s get one thing straight: Our main priority is making sure we don't seem weak because of recent events. I’ll be fighting fit by this time tomorrow, and I’ve got a lot of the former Fuckhead’s enemies as my friends, so we’ve got that going for us.”
“My Lady-” A tan Bull started.
“We’re in the War Room. If we need to make where we stand clear, we certainly can, but I’m sure everyone in this room is well aware of the fact that the first person who makes a move towards the daggers you conspired to bring in here dies.” I looked at many paling faces and smirked. “Put ‘em on the table.”
No one moved.
I whistled a catchy tune for a few seconds before sticking my fingers in my mouth and whistling twice. The first was a high, shrill whistle that had the Bulls rubbing their ears and the second was a low one that brought Okthus to my side. The sight of the Unholy Bastard had the fuckers scrambling from their seats, but having two of my furies on each of their shoulders and one left over to guard the door meant that they were going nowhere fast.
“Do I need to say it again?” Seven daggers of various lengths and general intrigue hit the table at damn near the same time before the eighth one fell from the Bull who was closest to me on my right. I raised a brow at him. “Anything else you want to share?”
He glared at me and kept his mouth shut, which pissed Okthus off. “Oi! Master ask question!”
I would’ve patted my slave’s arm if it wasn’t covered in diseased blood, barbed wire, steel briars. And didn’t currently happen to be rotting. “Hey Big Fella, no need to get upset. You should be happy!”
Okthus made his thinking face because nigga’s dumb. “Why Okthus be happy?”
“Glad you asked, Bud.” I pointed at my would-be assassin. “That one’s yours.”
Okthus followed my finger and pointed for himself. “But… We no know him.”
“No, but he was the guy behind this little plot, and I was planning on making an example of the last person to drop their shit anyway, so if you would be so kind.” I gave my handicapable Demon a smile.
He raised his hand, so I nodded and he followed up by asking, “Master want Okthus do here?”
“Eeyup.” I winked at him. “You can perform in front of an audience, right?”
“Okthus not used to no screams.” He pouted.
I gave him a look. “Then stick your head in the Nether and pop back in to see what you’re doing every couple of minutes.”
“This is madness!” One particularly old cuck wheezed.
I glanced at him and snapped my fingers, some unnamed Fury’s tail wrapping around his neck. “Shut it.” I looked back to Okthus. “You have your orders.”
He smiled his horrific, putrid smile at me. “Okthus thank Master! Master give Okthus big toy!”
“Sure did, champ.” I said boredly as Bastardo Retardo went to claim his prize.
After passing along some casual orders to the free-standing Fury, I exited the War Room and waited thirty minutes for Bellony to show back up with a small basket in hand with a metal container in the other. “Ah, brought some for the trip?”
She smiled at me some more. “I might have snuck one or two, but these are for you, Lady Jayne.” She flipped the cloth the was covering the basket over to reveal some super delicious looking muffins.
I almost reached for one before I asked, “May I?”
Bell giggled and her cheeks pinked up slightly. “Lady Jayne! You’re the current Queen! Your asking days are over.”
The disapproving look I gave her put a decent amount of befuddlement on her face. “I ask because I remember where I came from, Bell. Ain’t no royalty back where I’m from, but there were high-and-mighty types all the same, and I never did like ‘em. Don’t wanna act like ‘em either.”
Bell was just the smiley type, apparently. “Definitely not born royal.”
I grabbed a muffin and tried it before saying, “First off, this muffin is fuckin’ fantastic. Second, I gotta go take care of something real quick, so cover your ears until I close the War Room again, ight?”
She gave me a concerned look and glanced toward the War Room. “... You didn’t… Did you?”
“Uh, I hope not.” I said, rubbing my neck. “It’s more up to them than it is to me if they die right now, but bending people to my will isn’t really my style. I like winning people over.”
“... I shouldn’t ask, should I?”
“Probably not.” I shot her a wink. “Hands on ears, if you don’t mind.”
She let the basket rest in the crook of her arm and passed me the container. “I didn’t know what you’d want to drink, so I just brought lotus tea. Is that okay?”
“Perfectly fine. Thank you, Bellony.”
“Anytime, Lady Jayne.”
“That really does sound better than Q Jayne. We’re gonna stick with that one for a bit.”
She nodded and covered her ears as I’d asked, so I went into the War Room to find that Okthus was making his audience wish they were anywhere else other than watching their ’leader’ get assraped by a Demon. I figured that they got the point after forty-five minutes of watching, so I had Okthus drag the bastard off into the Nether, which I couldn’t have done to Herodotus because of his status as a Necrotic Mage/Lich King. It would’ve saved me a lot of fucking trouble, but it was what it was, and now I had to refill my cabinet because almost all of Herodotus’ people were scrabling to get out of the room and have nothing further to do with me, so I had my Furies use their limited amounts of Magic (Supplemented by my own) to turn the targets that were trying to run me over invisible. After that, I ordered them to let the old fucks get as far away as they wanted before the order to drag them into the Nether was supposed to be taken into effect. The events of the War Room were meant to stay a secret, and the only two Bulls who’d stayed after the fact both swore undying loyalty to me for the sake of mercy in the face of their betrayal. I assured them that a Blood Pact would be fine, and after I drew up the mini-circle and had us all splash a couple drops of blood in the middle, I had two Minotaurs that were bound by their very bodies to come to my aid whenever I needed them to.
Midas, a blonde Bull with long, curved horns and a shaggier coat than most Bulls, probably didn’t need the Pact to ensure his loyalty since he’d been the first one to drop his dull, nearly useless dagger first. He was more loyal to the throne and just wanted to see Minosia thrive, which was what I wanted for the time being since it was looking like Lujei had meant for exactly this to happen. If I defied her plans as I was sure they stood, I was pretty sure I was going to pay for it, kind of like how I was sure that the other Bull, a splotchy brown one, was piss-pants-petrified of the Hill-Topper in front of him.
After the pact was sealed, I told them that we were going to start filling the positions of General, Steward, Head Knight, Head of Staff, Weather Control Manger, and Crown Bitch since they already possessed the titles of ‘Archmage’ and Archiver respectively. The blonde Bull, Midas, was loyal to his country rather than whomsoever sat on the throne, so all I had to do to keep his loyalty was try not to fuck the country over, while the splotchy Bull, Theseus, was mostly just there to make sure that the history was written down as it was supposed to be. However, I got to say what he wrote down, and I got to double check it for any hidden meanings. The basic start of my rule as the Queen was going down as such:
To date, the Queen of Minosia succeeding the former Lich King Herodotus was achieved through direct combat through which she won, finding her opponent worthy of using the majority of her strength. However, her incumbency began in bloodshed and the former cabinet, pared down to only those loyal to Minosia, the Fatherland itself rather than the former King, prepared to shed hers in turn. Through ingenuity, observation, and a dash of luck, Queen Mariana Jayne was able to banish her naysayers with her Magic before blood could be shed, though the former Head Knight, Hector, the mastermind behind the first assassination plot of Queen Mariana, was slain by the Queen herself in a deceptively calm manner before being beheaded and having his corpse sent to Tartarus to rot where the undead would claim the last vestiges of his life.
It was perfect to me, so I had Theseus add it to my new history and started my reign as Queen by having my Archmage start looking for a Weather Control guy and my Archiver start finding people that were trained enough to actually be decent at any of the jobs I needed them to do. Midas asked to trade jobs with Theseus, given that I’d given the young Archiver a task he’d have more trouble with than the middle-aged Archmage. I had no problem switching their assignments since Midas most likely knew more people and the Archiver should’ve been bright enough to find a flying person with some weather experience in our current team, but that still left me with a certain amount of bullshit that I had to personally take care of, and Bellony, the woman who was already my lady-in-waiting before I’d given her the title knew what my next order of business was, and that was making an announcement to the people of Minosia before taking on some challengers as a show of strength.
When she told me that I was going to have to physically fight all of the people who were willing to take the throne, I asked her if I could have a bathroom break and she just gave me a strange look before leading me to one, giving me plenty of time to carve myself up like a Thanksgiving Turkey so I wouldn’t get myself killed. Boosting myself with the Magic from the Blood Ring was more than enough to make me as strong as a B+ Rank Mundusian-
{What the bloody Hell is a Mundusian, anyway?}
They’re like Earth Ponies, but Human. Mundusians are Earth Ponies, Icarians were Pegasi, and Medeis, like me, were Unicorns.
[Oh, that’s pretty cool.]
Right? Anyway, I figured that most Minotaurs would be stronger than an average DD Rank Mundusian, but without a baseline, I couldn't say for sure. That being said, upping my strength wasn’t the only thing I did. No, while I could probably break a cinder block with my grip, I wasn’t fast enough to do what I wanted yet, so I burned twice as much Magic and cut the runes down deep to make them stick so I’d be as fast as an A- Rank Icarian. It was an interesting combination to be sure, so I had to come up with another rune to suppress the shit until I actually needed it to work. I gave my new abilities a test drive in the bathroom, but with the limited space, I was bouncing off of the walls and almost getting myself hurt. Another strengthening rune for my bones meant that the Blood Ring had about two fifths of the Magic I’d originally put in it left, but it was well worth the expenditure since the runes were relatively durable, already came charged, and I wasn’t going to die because of them.
Y’know. With luck.
With a sigh, I cleaned up the blood I’d spilled with the Blood Ring and got some of my Magic back, but not a particularly noteworthy amount for someone who can spend the same amount in a single rune. Still, it was like being able to melt down gold shavings to make a small earring, so it was definitely worth the negligible little moment it took to suck it all up and unstain my clothes. After a sxplit second, I realizede thaTt I could poiur the blood I’d collected from the massacre the day before into the Blood Ring, but there was only so much Mana to be extracted from the tainted substance. When I came out of the restroom, Bellony asked me if I was feeling okay and I told her that I’d just mentally prepared myself for the ass whoopin’s I was going to pass out like caramel apples at the Apple Family Jamboree.
While we were walking to the Courtroom, Bellony asked, “So… You’re going to forego the challenges, right?”
I looked at her and snorted. “I told you like, two minutes ago that I was going to be wrecking ass.”
“Lady Jayne… Can I be honest with you for a moment?”
“‘You’re going to get yourself more than just hurt if you fight all the Bulls that refuse to be lead by a woman, and I don’t mean that in any disrespectful way, but I truly don’t want to see you hurt for doing this country the biggest favor it’s ever had.’.” I gave her a little chuckle and replied to myself. “No, Bell, I’m going to fuck up the first couple so bad the rest just stop. If I get tired, I’ll have my champion take over.”
She stared at me and walked into a vase because she was also slowly walking away from me. The thing wobbled, but it didn’t fall as she absently snatched it and adjusted it back to its previous position. “... How did you guess what I was going to say?”
“Would you believe me if I said that I just looked into the future and paid attention?”
“Yes.” Bellony nodded, dead serious.
“Someone’s seen their fair share.” I chuckled.
“Living in the Ironclad Castle and having a father who worked in the Ironclad Keep before… Before things got worse for Minosia a while ago. Those gave a Cow a good idea of what the world really has to offer.”
“Did you see the yellow light?”
She shook her head. “No, Ma’am.”
“Good.” I muttered darkly. “I assume you’ve met a few beings who know more than they should?”
“... I was the King’s favorite plaything.” She said ruefully.
“So he kept tabs on you.” I surmised.
She gave me a sidelong look of distaste. “The only thing that Buckbrain kept on me were his hands, but I’m glad that’s it.”
“Ah, so you just had the ‘pleasure’ of sticking with him while he was being evil.”
“Pretty much.” she said drily, just before sighing. “There were a few of his undead Lieutenants that Queen Hermione sent over that liked to make me uncomfortable by saying true stuff that no one should have known.”
“I’d ask about the things, but they make you uncomfortable, so we’re skipping them for the time being. However, I do gotta ask about whatever the fuck it is I’m supposed to say at this meeting.”
“Wing it hard and drop their jaws?” Bell suggested.
“Not really my style to be honest with you, but never let it be said that Jayne can’t do
improv” I snorted.
Bell bounced her hip off of my upper arm, almost making me stumble because I wasn’t checking the future out at the moment. I gave her a look before facepalming, realizing that I could have avoided a lot of fucking trouble if I’d just peeped the fight with Herodotus as it was happening, but then Lujei whispered, ‘It wouldn’t have been worth it’ and I was inclined to believe her since she tends to be the one doling out the punishments. Then she said, ‘I would’ve given you to your little slave if you’d tried to use him~’ just to fuck with me even harder and Mari just sighed, not able to find joy in my fear for once.
“- right?” Bell said, snapping me out of my mini-reverie.
“Do what? Sorry, Bellony, got caught up in the past.”
“It has been a wild twenty-four hours for you, hasn’t it? Fighting for your life against the strongest Minotaur in Minosia, winning, and then learning that you’ve inherited all but his family.” She chuckled sadly. “I’m afraid I was just going on about how things weren’t always this bad in Minosia. Nothing worth repeating.”
I shrugged. “It’s your time to spend as you see fit, though I do hope that I can make Minosia a better place for people to just live, y’know? Not my country or anything, but I know I’d prefer it if I could get the wealth rebalanced and the corruption under control.”
“You say that like it’s going to be easy.” Bell said worriedly.
I smirked at her. “What, you’ve no faith in dear old Lady Jayne?”
She returned my smile with a worried one of her own. “I have a feeling that things are going to get really messy.”
I shrugged. “Depends on how hard I have to push to make people fall in line.”
“... I wish you the best of luck. I really do.”
“Thanks.” I grabbed another muffin from the basket and ate the room-temperature marvel as we went along.
When we got to the spartan, stony Courtroom, Bell whispered for me to go and sit on the throne, so I decided to see just what all I could do with my new strength and speed. My light jog carried me much faster than I’d expected it to, so, I was weaving through the crowd on my way to the throne, juking and jiving like I hadn’t been fat in high school and had to play lineman. Instead, I managed to get through the crowd easily enough and jumped the four meters up to the throne itself, nearly overshooting my target. I ended up landing on an armrest that could have been a decent bench for some of the Mares and Mollies I’d seen in Bonetown. I hopped down and the fuckers were as high as my waist, so I chose to stand in the seat rather than sit in it.
“Yo! Whassup?” I called out to the murmuring crowd. “Unless you’re retarded, then you know why you’re here, so shut the fuck up while I’m talking!”
The crowd shut the fuck up.
“Good. Now, I ain’t tryna be here all damn day because apparently I got some dumb fucks who think they’re just gonna walk up to me and beat meat until I find defeat. Imma tell ya now that I don’t give two shits about the rules of the contest beyond the ones that keep the fight fair. You’re either with me, or you’re against me, and I will. Not. Hesitate. Herodotus ground the people of this country into the dirt and spit on y’all while laughin’ all the fuckin’ while, an’ I ain’t the fuckin’ one, yeah? I don’t get off on people suffering which is why you might have noticed that the curse keeping all of you in Grey Grotto is gone.” The rooms started filling with cries of dissent and outrage, so I raised a hand, but people kept going until I whistled for the Furies. “Alright. Next person who forgets to shut the fuck up while I’m talking is getting thrown out of that window,” I pointed at a stained glass masterpiece, “and will be paying for it out of their own pocket, which will be called the Retard Tax. Any objections...? No? None...? Okay then; let’s carry on. The main point of this little meeting is for me to say that I want this country to thrive and grow. More jobs, boost the economy, stomp out the barbaric ritual of eating other sentient creatures, and purge the corruption from the Court. Under my wing, Minosia will become the political powerhouse it deserves to be, so get with the program or get out of my Goddamn country, capisce?”
The crowd didn't say a word since there were Demons flying over their heads, waiting for someone to make a peep while I calmly judged the reactions I’d earned. Most people seemed either displeased in some form or fashion while the minority actually seemed scared of me, which was my point. Sadly, being like, five feet tall and maybe a buck-twenty with Bunker Buster in my pocket meant that I wasn’t exactly going to be known for my intimidation tactics. That little fact got driven home by a big, burly looking bull with a nose-ring stepping onto the dais and spitting up at the throne, to which I raised a brow.
“You are no Queen, and you will not rule Minosia! This land has been owned by Minotaurs and is for Minotaurs, as it always has been!”
I smirked. “If I challenge you, do you get to set the terms?”
He snorted like a typical bull and popped his neck. “You don’t even know of our customs, yet you expect us to accept you?”
“No, I expect people like you to defy me so I can make examples out of you before I start leading how I actually want to.” I said boredly. “I’m not your late King: I don’t get joy out of hurting people. I just do it because dumb fucks like you make me do shit I don’t want to do, so do you want to hurry up and get killed by these,” I did some sick jazz hands, “Or are you gonna make a little lady strain herself and get down from here?”
He mooed loudly and started charging up the steps, which was a mistake for multiple reasons. For one, steel shoes and marble steps don’t do the best together, so he was slow getting up the incline. He also happened to be built for slugfests, and thus had an underdeveloped lower body. The uphill battle also didn’t do him any favors, and neither did the fact that I’d effectively Lance Armstrong’ed myself into being like, a shitty version of a Sanguis or an Alicorn. The poor bastard was boned from the moment he’d gotten three steps up, because that meant that he was well within spearing range, so I let my runes do their thing and launched myself at my challenger with everything I had.
I’d aimed at his chest, but had shot forward a lot faster than I’d thought I would, causing me to crash into him shoulder to face. Thankfully he went down, but I was having a hard time judging whether or not I’d made a good choice until we slammed into the ground and I got my hands on his horns. Breaking them off was as easy as snapping a raw carrot, though I hadn’t known that Bulls bled from their horns until I ripped the symbols of his masculinity off of his head and drilled him in the face with punches with the horns in my hands. He threw me off of him easily enough, but I managed to get my footing in time to hear another roar and see the beginning of another charge as dumbass prepared to get what was coming to him for underestimating me.
The charge was faster than before, but that didn’t mean it was any more worrying. In fact, I figured that the best course of action would be to walk slowly until he was nearly upon me and use the increased flexibility I got from being female (Finally found a good thing about having a vaj) to let my knees fold under me so he run right past me. I dropped one of the horns before I did so and used my little trick to grab the Bull’s tail and yank on it with all of my strength, either dislocating it or breaking it shortly before ramming the horn I was still holding into it’s former owner’s spine for him to remove at a later date. His legs crumpled beneath him and a seizure took him as I went to pick up the horn I dropped, the look on his face mortified as he foamed at the mouth, wide-eyed and paralyzed. Since I’m all merciful and shit, I slammed his other horn into the base of his skull and made a few leaps and bounds back to my ‘seat’, though I kinda use the word lightly because it wouldn’t really have been comfortable for me to sit down. Nor would I have been visible.
“Cool, that was pretty quick. Anyone else want a shot?”
No one stepped forward.
“Seriously. Now’s the time. Any and all comers.”
The room was motionless.
“That’s not a bad noise, to be honest. The sound of silence. It means that no one’s thinking of dumb shit, right?” I scanned my people and saw a carbon copy of Herodotus, though slightly smaller, stepping through the crowd with a large sword on his back. “Ah, I see we’ve got a former Prince on the way.”
I hopped down the dais and waited for the fellow to show his face more directly, but when he stepped forward, he took his sword off of his back, held it in both hands, and approached me slowly. Shit was interesting when he kneeled and bowed his head, but it wasn’t enough to make me forget that my life was in mortal peril. All I needed to do was hop out of the way and that guy’s plan got him killed with four arrows, so I snapped and sent my Furies off to collect the Archers before claiming my new sword.
“And now I’m just disappointed. Another assassination attempt? Seriously? Give a gal a chance to make a decision before you try to kill her, geez.” I grumbled. More loudly, I announced, “Alright, if anybody’s left in this room by the time I get tired of people trying to kill me, you’re going to live a very long life in a very bad place that no one can save you from. Go.”
There was a stampede for the door and everyone vacated the room, even the staff that were supposed to be there. Instead of waiting for someone else to see if I was an easy target, I just looked into the future and spotted a few more attempts that wouldn’t get far and figured for myself that getting some Dragon Fire was going to be my top priority for the time being, though having scared off the people that could have gotten it for me was kinda my fault, and that sucked. I shrugged it off and cast a Clairvoyance Spell that didn’t cost too much Mana and was easier to keep up with the MRP in the bridge of my nose. As it turns out, people with true eye MRP’s are actually more rare than people with heart MRP’s, and that’s because the shit lets you do all sorts of crazy shit with your eyes, like that one old anime that was popular back like, twenty years before I was even born… Narotu or something, I think. Fuckin’... Shit don’t matter.
Anyways, I managed to find Bell sitting in a random room, looking rather depressed while I knocked on the open door. “Is now a bad time?”
Bell looked down at me, even though she was sitting on a bed.. “You’re a smiling psychopath.”
“Yeah, I’m platypusshit crazy, but I’m smarter than I am crazy. I also could’ve left the first guy alive, so I consider myself merciful.”
“... How is killing someone-”
“He never would have moved again. Not under his own power. I ruined his spine, which is why he was shaking on the floor. If I didn’t kill him, he would have been a bovine vegetable for all accounts.”
Bellony winced and looked at the ground. “... I guess he ignored your warning…”
“I give everyone a chance, Bell.” I said softly, crossing the room to place a hand on her leg. “I don’t kill indiscriminately, nor do I get anything other than nausea and guilt out of it,” I lied, “but it’s necessary sometimes. I mean, I don’t want to be racist when I say this, but you Minotaurs are a prideful race. I had to show that my pride was equal to or greater than Herodotus’ or I’d look even weaker than I already do.”
She gave me a sad, dewy eyed look that was a little less painful to see because of that little smile. “At least you care enough to try and make excuses.”
“If you consider motivations and excuses the same thing, then yeah, I care enough to explain my motivations.”
“That has a really negative connotation to it in context.” Bell said, frowning a little.
“How so?”
“Being motivated to kill people is pretty bad…”
“... If you kill people with no motivation, that makes you a lot more of a dangerous psychopath than than if you had one. I have no motivation to kill you, so I’m not going to since I’m actually not a monster. If I had one, then I would definitely unalive you, right?”
“Okay, I see where you’re coming from there, but you didn’t have to rip off Adratos’ horns…”
I shrugged. “It was a show of brute strength and dominance. I’m pretty sure that taking a Bull’s horns is kinda like taking his balls, right?”
“I’m pretty sure a lot more Bulls would rather lose those. No one sees those.” Bell said uneasily.
“I’ll keep that in mind the next time I have to fight someone.” I nodded solemnly.
“That’s actually not-”
“A bad idea? Rob them of their masculinity and their pride… Sounds like a bad idea to me.”
“It is!”
I patted her leg again and sighed. “If I was allowed to use Magic or weapons for this type of shit, I could guarantee that people would walk away with their tails tucked between their legs, but alive.”
“You realize that you make the rules now, right?” Bell said carefully.
I gestured for her to come closer with a finger and she leaned down, so I grabbed her face and gave her an Eskimo Kiss because I wanted to know what it’d feel like. It made me smile, so I let her go and gave her the smile she’d brought out in me. “I sure do, don’t I? Fuck, here I’ve been thinkin’ a’ shakin’ shit up, but I haven’t even thought to stack the deck in my favor! You’re brilliant, Mooman!”
She gave me an awkward, mildly amused smile. “So you’re going to cull the killing?”
“Sure will. Now I’m just gonna shoot muhfuckers in the leg.”
“... Not the direction I was aiming for, but it’s definitely a step up from what you did to Adrastos.”
“Was he important or something?” I asked a little irritably.
“He was one of the most respected soldiers in The Guard because he never backed down from a fight.” Bellony sighed mournfully.
“... Sorry.” I said quietly.
“You should be.” She said more quietly, her bitterness shining through.
“... Was he-”
“No, but I’d hoped that with Herodotus gone, I’d have a chance to catch his eye. He was popular for treating his Cows like Princesses.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “... It might just be this Goddamn vagina, but it’s getting real hard to see why guys have so much fuckin’ pride. Chicks got it too, but I don’t see many of them dying over it.” I took a step back from Bell and turned on my heel, heading back out the same way I came in. She rose from the bed quickly and followed at a decent distance, though she didn’t say anything. “Bell? You don’t have to-”
“It’s my job to-”
“Bell, your job’s whatever I say it is, and right now I say you got time off to grieve. Take the rest of the day and let me know if you still want to follow a lighter shade of black around all day in the morning.”
She cracked another smile, one that was just happy this time. It was small, but it was a Bell Smile all the same. “I get the vague feeling that you have good intentions, just a bloody way of doing things.”
I bit my lip and realized that I’d been holding my breath after a few moments when I said, “Bell, I wasn’t meant to be on this planet. A lot of mind-rending shit has gone down in the past year of my life. I watched my brother get tortured to death by my rapist over the course of three days. He died because I was the only thing keeping him alive and I couldn’t find the patience to deal with him anymore. I spent three months under the thumb of a genocidal maniac that wasn’t afraid to kill the women in my life; same person who killed my brother. Got addicted to Vampire Venom and became a Thrall. Went crazy because there was just too much going on at once, and then I lost my best friend to his own wife. Didn’t take long for me to get pulled to Tartarus and get too deep into Magicks I shouldn’t have been fucking with to get out in time, earning me this.” I swept my hands down my body, my gaze following them. “I was born a man, Bell. A full foot taller than this Shell. A different race. Smelled different.” I shook my head. “My way of doing things is bloody because my eggs are too scrambled to see the clean way now.”
I looked up and tried to blink the tears out of my eyes as Bell said, “... Maybe you just need to get over it?”
I wiped my eyes clear and gave her a smile. “Is that how you feel?”
Bellony shook her head. “It’s the Minotaur thing to say. It’s not the right thing, but it’s the only thing we’re supposed to say.” her voice trembling with a vengeance.
“What do you really-”
I barely had time to get a breath before Bellony lunged at me, getting down on one knee so she wouldn’t dwarf me. “No one should have to watch their family die, Jayne. I’m so, so sorry that this is where you’re at in your life, but… I…”
I hugged her back and let the chip on my shoulder fall off because… Shit, even crazy people need to cry sometimes. It’s just… I got so tired so fast… It’s like I was walking through life with Super Sanity acting as morphine while I got to the other side of town barefoot, only the roads were made of flint-gravel and someone chucked a fuckin’ rock at me every once in a while to see if I could dodge it. I rarely seemed to dodge those rocks, but I’d been able to deal with them well enough because it was pretty much just me, myself, and I that I was responsible for, but now? Now that I’d killed Herodotus and stood in his shoes, I felt the weight he never cared about in the first place. The whole of a nation rested on my shoulders. For once in my life I had more than four people to keep alive at once, and that was petrifying enough as it was, but knowing that I was going to have to watch my back at damn near every corner just confirmed my formerly unreasonable suspicions. Straight up? I was scared. If I fucked up and got killed, Cain would take my ass and I’d never get it back. If I fucked up and did something the wrong way, then Lujei was going to take the ass of everyone I generally liked to be around and no one was getting anything back. If I fucked up and made the wrong call, then thousands of lives could be made worse or end up buried, and it would be my fault. Hell, I could manage all three in one day with mildly bad luck, let alone a teaspoon of carelessness, and that made me want to go home and get high all day for a good couple of weeks so I could pretend that my life was normal. I’d even pretend to watch cartoons and laugh at nothing if it meant that I didn’t have to think about the trials ahead of me.
I didn’t freak out for long, but I was still shaky when I got Bellony to let go. “I-I’m sorry, I-”
She hugged me again, though more gently this time. “No one told you this was going to happen, Jayne. No one was prepared for this. I’ll be here for you whenever you need me, so don’t feel bad about needing to let the stress out.” Bell let me go and gave me a tender smile.
I cleared my eyes and gave her a weary smile. “Thank you, Bellony. Is there something I need to do before I can get a fuckin’ drink?”
“Prepare for Queen Hermione and her arrival.” She replied ruefully.
“Shit.” I grumbled. “Whatever. When is my new bestie gonna be in town?”
Bell winked at me. “What, you think Herodotus was the only one with a few tricks?”
My jaw fuckin’ dropped.
Bell stood up, but as she rose, her body shrank until she was a little taller than Celestia, a little chestier, and still more… Assier? She still stayed some sorta stacked is what I’m getting at, but the fuckin’ Lich herself was not a Minotaur. No, the Queen of Cragspire turned out to be a fuckmothering Alicorn. There was no light or darkness to hide the morphing of her form as the white and black splotches of her coat fused to make a natural tungsten-like color, and her brown eyes also faded, though one went completely white, pupil and all, while the other eye only grew black to the edge of the iris. It was cool as fuck and the woman as definitely more attractive than Celestia was to me, just based off of her proportions alone. However, that’s not to say that the Undead trickster wasn’t a sight for sore eyes above the collar. In fact, Hermione was… I mean, can a gal get some help here?
{No. Struggle through on your own.}
[She was cute, we get it.]
I thought she was prettier than Diane, cuter than Twilight, and more beautiful than Fluttershy, but-
[What the fu- Hold up! I thought-]
Nope, y’all had yo’ chance, so shut it. Like I was saying I was mostly just staring at the woman I’d been walking around with for the past four hours and had started to bond with through tribulation, degradation, underestimation, and some bloodshed to boot. Instead of striking out at Hermione, I scratched my cheek. “... Well, if you wanted me dead, I would be.”
“Sure would, Jayne.” She gave me a pleasant enough smile. “So we’re clear on the fact that you did me a favor, right?”
“Not really, but we are now.”
Hermione puffed out a laugh. “For your information, Herodotus was… Ah, do you know the current Common for vappa?”
I stared off into the Information Stream and asked the clerk if I could snatch a language or two for a second. The energy being gave me a hard time since I didn’t have exact change and refused to break my sand-filled crystal ball to give me a rubber duckie and a glass of Wormwood juice for some stupid reason. I couldn't slap him around, but I did flash the COATIP Honorary Member card and got a discount, so that was cool. It only ended up costing me half a comet-tail and the placenta from a gerbil’s birth, which was still a little expensive for two halves of two different languages, but what can you do?
“The word you’re looking for is ‘scum’, though I should’ve known that. I know bits and pieces of that language, whatever you’d like to call it.” I replied after a moment, looking back to Hermione.
She blinked. “I would ask, but I have a feeling that you’re crazier than you let on.”
“I never pretended to be sane, in fairness.”
Hermione gave me another smile and put a cool hand on my shoulder. “I guess not, but it’d help your public appearance if you tried a little harder.”
I made a face. “Would it be stupid to ask for another hug?”
Her little smile turned itself up by an extra thousand watts and she gave me the hug I’d asked for. “Anytime, Jayne. Just because I’m not alive doesn’t mean I’m not still a Pony, after all.”
The hug was nice until I let go and she didn’t. “Um…”
“You’re so warm!”
“I kinda have three girlfriends, though.” I said awkwardly.
“Not anymore, sweetcheeks! I was there when Lujei was talking to the sterculinum publicum, and she asked me to pass along a message that you’re gonna want a hug for.”
My bones froze. “... What?”
“She said, verbatim, ‘If you try to go back to Equestria before I hand you a note telling you that you can, I’ll take Diane first and make Twilight and Fluttershy watch. Then I’ll take Fluttershy and make Twilight watch. For the finale, I’ll leave Twilight in your loving arms without any of her own.’.” Hermione let me go just enough to give me a sorrowful smile. “Last time I saw her was a moment after you earned your victory, and she said something along the lines of, ‘Tell her that I don’t know what she did, but Diane’s regretting it for her. Next time she defies me, they all die, and I’ll make her watch.’. I… I really don’t envy you, Jayne.”
I laid my head on Hermione’s shoulder and let her hold me because I was just numbed the fuck out. Too many feelings were running through my heart and none of them would make up their Goddamn minds as to how long or who they wanted to stay with. Diane herself was blocking off my True Sight, meaning that I couldn’t see what Lujei had done, but that just made the ache I’d stopped feeling once I lost my dick come back again. A lot had just been dumped on my plate, but there wasn’t any room. I already had entrees on the table, snacks sprinkled on top, deserts slung wherever they wanted to be, hors d'oeuvres scattered in my lap, and that was all on top of the ten-pound steak that was Lujei that had been settled on a platter. If you’ve been listening this long, then you should probably be able to guess what happened next.
[...]
{I haven’t been paying enough attention.}
Fuck you. I lost my shit again, and this time I couldn't find it. There was a Pinkie/COATIP affiliate to guide me through the madness that time, and I don’t actually remember what happened. I do, however, know that I woke up dazed and confused in the same room I’d been in, just on the bed Hermione had been sitting on when she was still Bellony to me. I almost sat up before I got snuggled from behind and became pretty aware of the odd event that was being spooned by a Lich. I actually prefer being a little chilly, so it was kinda nice, and there wasn’t a single hard thing touching me, which was super nice. The not nice thing was that only one of Hermione’s hands was above the covers, and I could see it in front of me since I was laying on her arm. The other hand was between my legs, rubbing and squeezing at the toilet paper I’d stuffed in my pants. A part of me wanted to roll over and elbow the Lich Queen for molesting me in my sleep while another just wanted to get the fuck away from her and her unfortunately gropey hands.
I paused to consider the situation. “... Hermione?”
“Yes, Jayne?” She murmured in my ear, dipping her middle and ring fingers between my thighs, pressing way too firmly.
I put my hand over hers and put it on the side of my leg. “Humans aren’t squishy down there. It’s a bad time for that.”
“Tch.” The Queen scoffed. A short, high whistle had my undergarments feeling considerably less absorbent than before. “I can smell the blood, but I don’t mind, Jayne. Just let me make you feel good for a little while, hmm~?” She started stroking my thigh.
“... Why can I barely feel my legs?”
“You did an awful lot of something or other that had you bouncing off of the walls in the most unfortunately literal manner you could have.” Hermione flicked the nape of my neck with her tongue, sending chills down my spine.
Her willingness was a little much for me, so I tried to pull away from her. Sadly, Hermione only had to wrap her arms around my stomach and chest to keep me from going anywhere. “Yo-”
“You said no, you meant no. Just let me hold you a little while longer, okay?” She requested much more reasonably.
It took me a second to relax, but leaning into her was nice for three reasons, and two of them were identical. The third reason was the best by far, and it was just that Hermione was comforting. “How long is a little longer?”
“Until you need to use the restroom or something, I guess. You still do that, don’t you?”
“I’m alive, so yeah.”
“Yes, yes you are.” She squeezed me a little tighter before easing up, the arm that was hold my chest unfolding to lay straight while the arm that was over my stomach moved to my sternum.
“Whatcha doin’, Hermi?” I asked suspiciously.
Her fingertips brushed the bottom of my sports-bra. “Live a little, why don’t you?”
My hand found hers again. “Starting to creep me out, here.”
She sighed. “At least let me get something out of this. I could have left you alone, you know.”
“Fidelity is my middle name.”
“Your ‘fidelity’ is going to get your Mares killed.” Hermione said frankly. “If you want them whole and healthy, unlike Diane, then you might want to send them a… ‘Dear Jayne’ letter.” She said, her voice tight for a reason I couldn’t determine.
“If I believed that, I wouldn’t have a reason to keep going.”
“If I believed you believed that, I wouldn’t be pressing you.”
“The fuck is that supposed to mean?” I snarled, pissed at her little implication.
“Tell me how much love is in your heart right now.” Hermione asked softly.
“Enough.” I answered, both as a response to her question a statement in and of itself.
“... It’s just as cruel to lie to them as it is to yourself.” She whispered in my ear.
I started crawling away from her again, but there just wasn’t much strength in my body. However, I could lift my fingers to my mouth. “I suggest you stop talking.”
Her hand covered mine and her other hand stroked the inside of my thigh. “Mhmm.”
“Dear fuckin’-” I groaned. “I don’t even touch that thing! Fucking Stop.”
Hermione redirected her attention to my boob and I didn't say anything to that since it was better than the alternative. Even when she slipped her hand under my shirt, I bit back a sigh and just let her fucking humiliate me because there wasn’t much I could do about it. I mean, it felt decent enough, but I didn’t want it, and I didn’t want her touching me directly either, but that happened too. The silky, chilly fur of her fingers made my nipples go erect in the time it took for her to glide her hand up the mound of useless flesh. From the tip of her middle finger to her palm was the distance she crossed to reach my arousal, but I’d be damned if I asked her to keep going.
Things only got worse when the Lich Queen used her little move from earlier and kept flicking the back of my neck with the tip of her tongue, the sensation no longer sticking to my spine. No, a heat that made me want to vomit rose up from the area below my navel, but above my muns, meaning that the moisture I was feeling on my lips wasn’t blood like I’d been hoping. “Mmm~ Things are smelling better already.” I didn’t answer her, but she took her hand away from my breast anyway, rubbing the area between the two of them instead. “You’re going to need to get used to this body somehow, Jayne.”
“Not like this.” I answered thickly.
“Trust me; once you feel the pleasure of a woman-”
“I don’t. Want. To. Know.”
She kissed the back of my neck and let her lips linger. “I swear to you, Jayne, that this will only help.”
“Nooo.”
“Jayne, I can’t tell you why I have to, but I have to. I just…” Her hand started sliding downward.
“Hermione, no-” What little strength I had left me… OhmyGod-
{Jayne. Jayne.}
I-I…
[Keep going.]
{No.}
[Hmm? What was that?]
…
{...}
[I don’t hear my story.]
You lost your privileges. Deal with it.
[Hmph. We’ll just see how you two do without light or heat for a couple days, then.]
…
{...}
I-I… Garrison, I’m-
{S’okay. Are you okay?}
… I shouldn't have let it get to me. Minosia was a clusterfuck. Thought I already dealt with it.
{... We won’t be here forever.}
Who’s coming to save us, Garrison? We sent the message out. No one even looked for the message. Not even the fuckers who saw it in writing!”
{In fairness, would you-}
It’s just missing letters! Fill in the fucking gap-
{Shh.}