170 & 171. School Daze
"I think a school of friendship is a wonderful idea Twilight," Princess Celestia said. "I'll help in any way I can. You were my star pupil. If anypony knows how to run a school, it's you."
"There's a big difference between attending a school and running one. It's not like there's a rule book to follow," Twilight said.
"Actually there is. The EEA guidebook is very specific about how to run a school."
With a flash of purple light, Future Starlight appeared.
"Yeah but a school doesn't need to be EEA accredited, does it?" Starlight asked rhetorically, already knowing the answer.
"Like in the 'Capital N', hunter/gather sense of the word, need? No," Celestia answered.
"Then don't," Starlight said.
"But I want my school to be EEA accredited!" Twilight said.
"Shhh," Starlight shushed her, gently caressing her cheek. "No. You really don't. How would you like some pony popping in every week telling you what to do?" she asked, before vanishing again with a flash.
"I already hate it," Twilight grumbled.
172. The Maud Couple
Pinkie Pie was so mad, she could just about have swore a cuss.
She'd just gotten done dealing with the most annoying, boring, aggravating, irritating, dumb, stupid, dull, stupid, stupid, awful pony in all of Equestria, only to find out the cake shop had closed for lunch! She was gonna make a super-special-duper-awesome cake for a super-special-duper-awesome pony, but nope! Not anymore! That pony was just going to have to go cake-less for ever and ever because some ponies couldn't decide between saying "goodbye" and saying "see you later"! Speaking with precision, her adorable pink bee-hind! It was enough to make a pony want to punt something into next Thursday.
Thankfully, she bumped into her big sister like, right afterward, so everything became much better.
"Hello, Pinkie Pie," said Maud, in her usual affectionate deadpan.
"Maud!" Pinkie cheered, hugging her. "Found you! My turn to hide, hee hee!"
"I'm sorry I wasn't around this morning."
"Oh, pssh." Pinkie waved her hoof. "What are you apologizing to me for? I'm not upset, you silly-willy."
"The reason is I met somepony--"
"Wanna hang out right now?" Pinkie wrapped an arm around her sister's neck. "I mean, I can see you're not doing anything with anypony else. Unless they're invisible or reeeeeaaaally small." She stuck her hooves really close together, watching Maud through the gap.
"Pinkie, the reason I've been so busy is that I have a special somepony now."
Every gear in Pinkie Pie's head came to a screeching halt. All she could say was, "A wha?"
"A significant other."
"A whaaa?"
"A shmoopy-doo."
"A whaaaaa?"
"A marefriend."
Pinkie sprang into the air. "That's so exciting! My sister, in love! Tell me, tell me, tell me, is she anypony I know?"
"No."
This didn't surprise Pinkie, all things considered. There were, after all, plenty of ponies in Equestria. Plenty of fish in the sea. Plenty of pancakes in the--
"She's two ponies you know."
"Whaaaaaaa?"
Maud blinked, looking behind herself. "There's one of them now."
Of all the ponies in all the gin joints in all of Equestria, who should walk up to Maud Pie and give her a familiar hug but the Great and Power Trixie. Pinkie was agog. Agog, I tells ya!
"Hi, Pinkie Pie. Hiiii, Maudie!"
Maud's smile grew infinitesimally wider. "Hi, Lulu."
"Trixie does love it when you call her that." Trixie giggled. "Are you ready for our big date at the Hoofington fair? Starlight's waiting for us."
The ambient temperature decreased slightly as Pinkie sucked in all the air. "You're dating Trixie and Starlight?"
Maud nodded. "I'm really glad Starlight hooked us up with her younger, hotter self."
"More like she hooked Trixie and Starlight up with you." Trixie tittered, and Pinkie thought she smelled an awful lot like flowers? "Either way, bonus! Come on, let's go. Those fried foods on sticks aren't going to eat themselves!"
"Something tells me those aren't the only things we'll be eating today," Maud said. Trixie blushed a deep red and slapped her on the flank, eliciting exactly zero reaction as they moved off.
"You are terrible! Trixie loves it."
"Wait!" shouted Pinkie, zipping ahead of them. "This is great! My big sister is dating my kind-of friend and a kind-of friend of a kind-of friend! And you two are dating each other! I need to throw a party about this!"
Trixie sucked in a breath between her teeth. "Trixie appreciates the enthusiasm, but maybe you should hold off on any party-throwing on our behalf? Starlight's a little, you know..." She waved her hoof in the air.
"Shy?" Maud suggested.
"Gassy?" Pinkie added.
Trixie rolled her eyes. "Closeted. Despite making numerous major relationship decisions at the behest of her older, wiser self."
Maud nodded. "I know what that's like. Up until now, I'd had deep questions regarding my sexuality. I kept finding myself going out with really boring stallions." She gave a little up-tilt of the corners of her mouth. "It's good to finally know who I actually am."
"The point is," Trixie continued, "we're keeping things on the dee-aich-ell, as they say. Starlight's not ready to tell everypony yet. But I'll make sure she tells you when it's a good time for a party, promise."
She grinned at Maud and threw a hoof around her withers. "Now, come on, let's go!"
They went.
Boy, did Pinkie have a lot to think about. Maud, dating! Ponies dating more than one pony at once! Mares dating mares! Starlight dating Trixie and also Maud too!
Some small, terrible part of her pointed out that it was a good thing Maud had figured out who she actually was, as she'd put it. After all, she could have ended up dating a pony like that weirdo she met earlier that day!
She spun around to see said weirdo staring at her.
"Hello," he said, in his dumb, stupid, boring way. It was like he was all of Maud's worst traits, balled up into one horrible, pony-shaped package.
"What?" said Pinkie.
"You were talking aloud, despite nopony being around," he explained unhelpfully.
Pinkie's face contorted in rage. "You ruined my morning cake-shopping!"
The colt held up his stupid hoof. "Technically, you delayed the store clerk yourself by attempting to rush my conversation."
Pinkie's face turned bright red as her cheeks puffed out and steam poured from her ears. "Fuck you, dickbag!"
The colt closed his stupid eyes. "Technically, the bag is underneath--"
"SHUT UP!"
With his eyes closed, he thankfully couldn't react as she punted him into next Thursday. A cry of "Technicallyyyyyyyy--" fading behind him as he made a twinkle on the horizon.
Pinkie Pie felt much better.
She bounced all the way back to Ponyville, making plans for a "Congratulations on Dating Two Ponies" party, sometime in the hopefully near future.
173. Fake It 'Til You Make It
The door snikt closed behind her, leaving Fluttershy to face the empty interior of Rarity 4 You alone.
But she would not be defeated. She would not be cowed! She would not be rendered something less offensive to cows. She had made a promise to her friend, and she would use every ounce of her admittedly paltry strength to see that promise through, because she was a good friend. She was a winner! She was on fire! She! Was! Flutter--
"Eep!"
Fluttershy materialized under a rack of stallions' shirts the moment the bell on the door tinkled. Her raccoon friends chittered and face-pawed in disgust.
"I mean..." Clearing her throat, Fluttershy extricated herself from the shirts and stood up mostly tall and somewhat proud. "W-welcome to Rarity Number Four You?"
She stopped with a question mark because the pony who had just entered was not one she had expected, in more ways than one.
Okay, maybe some tiny part of her wasn't surprised to see Starlight Glimmer. Every time Fluttershy's life got even the tiniest bit potentially aggrieving, Starlight was sure to show up. But she didn't usually have this much grey in her mane. Or look so haggard. Or thin. Not that Starlight was fat.
Not that Fluttershy would ever say Starlight was fat.
"Starlight?" was all she could think to ask.
Starlight glanced around the shop, looked Fluttershy over, and gave a relieved sigh. "Hi, Fluttershy," she said, voice tired. "It's good to see you again."
Fluttershy licked her lips. "Um, is it safe to assume you're future Starlight?" She got a nod in response. "A-and that you're not here to buy a dress?" A shake of the head.
"I'm here to help," said Starlight, though there wasn't much enthusiasm to her words.
"Oh!" For a moment, Fluttershy's most contrarian nature took control of her mouth. "But I promised Rarity I would look after the shop for her! I mean, me, only me! I have to do it! R-right?"
Starlight shook her head sadly. "Fluttershy, don't you remember what AJ learned about letting other ponies help?"
Fluttershy looked at her blankly.
"Right, of course you wouldn't." Starlight sighed. "It's in the Journal." She rubbed her temple. "I've been doing this so long, I can't remember what's when."
Stepping forward, Starlight placed a hoof gently on Fluttershy's shoulder. The smile she gave was the kindest and most supportive Fluttershy had ever seen from her friend. Not that Starlight wasn't kind or supportive.
Not that Fluttershy would ever say Starlight wasn't kind or supportive.
"Fluttershy, do you want to sell some goddamn clothes?"
Fluttershy wasn't sure what one of those words meant, but she nodded nonetheless. "Yes! I do!"
Starlight smiled, and the door bell tinkled.
It wasn't the most profitable day in the history of Rarity 4 You, before or since. But neither was it a drama bomb. They sold some clothes. They didn't scare off any customers. They had a laugh or two. And, by the time Starlight said goodbye and took the magic carpet ride to another time, they had maybe even learned something.
Because that's what's really important.
174. Grannies Gone Wild
Rainbow Dash sighed as she walked through the Las Pegasus, unable to fulfill her dream of riding ‘The Wild Blue Yonder™’ (although not hearing about it prior to Soarin telling her), and was totally not about to join Granny Smith doing some weird Applejack friendly stuff, and would much rather just stand around and keep the cider out of their reach (her belly, of course).
Suddenly, Starlight walked out of nowhere and muttered: “This is going to be difficult.”
Her horn lit up and she dragged them all over to the The Queue™ for The Wild Blue Yonder™ and stood behind The Queue™s Railings™. (okay this is getting old) She pushed everypony waiting in the line and pushed them out of the way as they walked swiftly through. She placed everyone on the roller coaster and walked up to the pony controlling its speed and when it would go.
“Get this baby running, okay?” She asked the worker.
“Sorry mam, can’t do that. It’s against the law without waiting in the line.”
“YOU DARE DISOBEY ME?!? YOU PEASANT. GET IT RUNNING OR SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN! AM I CLEAR!? OR YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE LAW WHEN I LAY MY HOOVES ON YOU IF YOU DO NOT GET THIS THING GOING!!!”
“AAAAAAAAHHHHHH OKAY!!??!” The worker threw the levers forward and ran off. He accidentally forgot that he put it on turbo. The roller coaster flew off the tracks and started its own adventure through the air.
And at that moment, everyone in
ShawshankThe Roller coaster felt free.
Until gravity kicked in and they plummeted to the ground.
175. Surf and/or Turf
A few days before the Cutie Map decided something needed to be done...
Terramar sat on a rock at the ocean's edge. When the tide washed up on his back legs, dangling over the water, they would magically become a long, sinuous tailfin. Then, after a little bit, the water would dry and the fin would turn back into hooves.
Terramar scowled at his tailfin as though it had done him wrong. He picked up a rock in his front fin and heaved out as far as he could.
The sound of rocks scattering and a rasping cough told Terramar he wasn't alone. He turned his head to see an old unicorn standing on the rocky beach a few lengths behind him.
"Hello." Her coat was light pink, her mane silvery, with a single bright streak of teal. She wasn't, he realized, quite as old as he'd initially though, but he was still surprised to see her.
"Would you mind coming in off the rocks so we can talk, dear? I'm afraid they're are a tad intimidating."
Blinking, he waited until his tail had split into legs again and did as bidden. He might have no idea who this pony might be, but he wasn't about to disobey an elder. His parents had taught him...
He wasn't going to think about that. He joined the pony on the beach, looking up at her curiously.
"What's a unicorn doing out here on Mount Aris?" he asked. "Uh, if you don't mind me asking."
She smiled warmly. "A little birdie told me a certain hippogriff was having a problem. I thought I'd see what I could do to help." She beckoned, and they moved off the beach, up the cliffs of Mount Aris.
"Problems? I don't have any problems..." He rubbed a claw across the back of his head, blushing as she regarded him with a raised eyebrow.
"Glaring at your own appendages like you're thinking of cutting them off isn't the kind of thing a creature with no problems is likely to do." She smiled softly. "My name's Starlight. Why don't you tell me what's bothering you, Terramar?"
Part of him wanted to ask her how she knew his name. There was something just slightly off about this pony, though not in a bad way. He couldn't put his finger on it.
"It's my parents." He frowned, and it deepened with each word he spoke. "My dad's setting up the 'Glad to Be a Hippogriff' Festival." His voice was mocking. "Queen Novo wants to celebrate the hippogriffs returning to Mount Aris, but he's being all... stupid about it!
"And my mom still lives in Seaquestria. She's helping with relocating and trying to... I dunno, keep our history alive or something?" He scowled at the ground. "And every time I try to help them, they start talking about how great Mount Aris or Seaquestria is, and how much they want me to spend more time there, and..."
They had climbed rather high at this point. The ocean below was choppy under the grey skies. He picked up a pebble and tossed it over the edge, counting the seconds before it splashed into the water.
"Every time I think about it, I can't choose. I don't want to live in just Mount Aris or just Seaquestria!" He sighed. "If I pick one, I'm going to let the other one down. There's no way to fix this without disappointing one of my parents. It's not fair."
The mare said nothing, putting an arm gently around him. When she finally spoke, she was quiet.
"That's not all that's wrong, is it?"
Something heavy rose in Terramar's throat. "They're not talking to each other," he said, heat stinging the corners of his eyes.
Beside him, Starlight gave a small sigh. "My parents had similar problems when I was your age. It didn't help that I was already a troubled foal. I went on to make some really bad decisions because I felt like my family's happiness was riding on my shoulders."
Terramar hiccuped, and Starlight turned him toward her. She crouched down, looking into his eyes.
"It's not your fault, Terramar."
The words hung around him like a wreath of smoke, obscuring everything else.
"It's not your job to fix your family's problems. Don't let your parents put you between them. If the worst happens, just remind your mom and your dad that you love them both, no matter where they live."
Terramar scrubbed at his cheek. "But where should I live?"
Starlight smiled. "What were you doing when I found you just now? Changing back and forth between seapony and hippogriff, right?"
"Yeah." He looked away from her. "I can't figure out which I'd rather be."
"Terramar, you're missing the big picture. You were changing." She smiled at him, her shining eyes warm. "You don't have to choose to live in one place or another, because you have the beautiful ability to change back and forth. You can be a seapony if you want one day, and a hippogriff the next. Where you want to be is up to you!"
And suddenly, it was like Terramar never had a problem to begin with. He wiped his eyes and gave the mare a smile. "How come I didn't figure that out before?"
Smiling softly, Starlight said, "Sometimes, you need somepony else to see your problems for you."
Hesitating only a second, Terramar rushed forward and hugged Starlight, who patted his head. "Thank you," he whispered.
"If you'd really like to thank me, how about a swim?" Starlight chuckled and tapped the pearl in his necklace. "I hear sea water is good for achy joints. And I was always a little jealous of Princess Twilight getting to be a seapony."
He blinked at her. "You know Princess Twilight?" he asked, reverently.
Laughing, Starlight led him back down the steps. "Come on. Once we're in the water, I'll tell you some stories about her younger days."
176. Horse Play
“Wonderful news, everypony!” Twilight was happy, it was simple as that. She proudly watched as her friends worked hard on their stage preparing for the play in honor of her mentor Princess Celestia. Her dear friends gathered around her to hear if their play is set to go. Now, some would wonder why did they start preparations if they weren’t sure that there will even be play, but those ponies have no place in Ponyville. Applejack was first to respond.
“Yeehaw! We get to put on our show?” Bursting with happiness, Twilight was more than glad to share the good news.
“Even better. Princess Celestia is gonna be our star!” The response was not what Twilight imagined when she meticulously planned to share her news. Instead of cheers of joys everyone on the stage just gained worried looks on their faces. Nervously they looked at each other, hoping that one of them would be brave enough to say what they all were thinking. Again, Applejack was first to speak.
“Ya sure it’s a good thing, Twi? That sounds like just askin’ for Starlight to come.
Starlight, who stood next to Applejack, looked at her and slowly said, “But, I already am here.”
“I meant the other you. Ya know,” Applejack looked carefully left and right before whispering, “Future Starlight.”
“Yeah, that’s how I felt too,” grumbled Spike to himself. Before Twilight could say anything it was Rarity’s turn to mildly worry.
“This is a disaster! I must remake everything! And then remake everything again just in case Starlight does anything horrible.” Fluttershy on the other hand had a contrarian opinion.
“I kinda like Future Starlight solving all our problems. I can’t remember last time I had a problem I had to deal with.”
“Well I don’t like it,” Dash complained. “She is always there ruining my moments to shine! I can’t even prove that I am more daring pony than Applejack!”
“Can’t prove what ain’t true, suggarcube.” It was around this moment that Twilight had enough.
“Girls! Everything will be fine. Celestia will play her part and there will be nothing for Future Starlight to solve. I mean, what could possibly go wrong? “
~
“What are we gonna do?! If I tell Celestia she's terrible, it'll hurt her feelings, and I'll be a bad friend. But if I keep her in the show, she'll be the laughingstock of Equestria, and I'll be a worse friend.” To say that Celestia’s acting was not very good would be an understatement. In fact, saying that Celestia’s performance was bad would probably be an insult to the very word bad. This and thousand other thoughts were jumping around Twilight’s head as she zipped back and forth on the backstage.
Applejack grabbed panicking Twilight, “Ya need to tell Celestia the truth, Twilight. Do it before Future Starlight comes and does who knows what!”
“No, we can fix this!” Twilight summoned quill and parchment and then started writing. “I just need to get professional actors to help, or maybe we can attach strings on Celestia and puppeteer her while Pinkie uses her ventriloquist skills to-” But before Twilight was able to reveal finer details of her master plan, Spike casually tugged her mane and pointed at the stage.
“Too late, Starlight is already talking to Celestia.” Time froze for Twilight. She helplessly starred as her own student was about to undermine everything she worked for. Her friendship with her mentor gone in a blink of an eye. But then a tiny voice was heard. Telling Twilight that it’s not too late to stop it. As she finished her blink she disappeared in a purple flash of light. As Starlight was speaking she was blinded by a sudden flash of light. Before she knew what was going on she was pinned on ground by Twilight.
“She is only kidding! She was just kidding about you being a horrible actor, it’s a theater tradition!” said Twilight complete with nervous smile and a slight eye twitch.
Celestia just stood shocked and whispered to herself, “I’m a horrible actor?” Figures started falling in place and Twilight realized they were not fitting. Seeing the surprise on her mentors face she uncertainty turned her attention at the pinned Starlight.
“Twilight, I’m not the Future Starlight,” said Starlight.
“Wait, you are not? So that means that I just...”
“Revealed to Princess Celestia that she is a horrible actor in most dramatic way possible? Pretty much.”
Twilight sighed, “Well at least that was one way to settle this. And we didn’t need Future Starlight to deal with anything for once.”
“Um, Twilight,” Starlight pointed behind her. Twilight turned her head and watched in shock as Future Starlight was channeling a spell directly into Celestia’s head. Twilight’s pupils shrank and she mouthed a quiet no.
“And another friendship problem solved. Next stop, Sire’s Hollow” Future Starlight concluded and disappeared in a flash back to the future. For a moment both Twilight and Starlight stood motionless, watching the spot where Future Starlight was just moment ago. Then both of them rushed towards unconscious princess.
“Princess Celestia?” Twilight hesitantly asked, “Are you alright?”
CELESTIA: To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,
Starlight smiled at Twilight, or at least she attempted, She placed her hoof on Twilight’s shoulder and tried to comfort her. “Well problem solved, she can act now.”
CELESTIA: And by opposing end them: to die, to sleep
No more; and by a sleep, to say we end
The heart-ache, and the thousand natural shocks
Starlight tried to force her smile even more while Twilight just blankly stared at her mentor. Celestia continued her performance completely ignoring the two, which challenged the forced smiled capacity of Starlight.
“I think that all she can do is act now.” Twilight calmly nodded and added, “I can work with that. And after the play you’ll reverse the spell.”
“Me? Why me? I don’t even know which spell it is.” And with that Twilight’s calmness ended.
She turned towards Starlight, pointing her hoof and yelling, “Because you cast it! Or you will cast it because the Future you cast it in your past. I mean in our present. I mean uh.” And it was at that point where Twilight simply reached her limit and collapsed on the ground. Spike knowing Twilight well was already there to grab her and take her away.
He turned and said, “Take five, everypony.”
177. The Parent Map
"I know, I'm a horrible daughter." Starlight proceeded to flop onto the train seat.
"No, no- my mom actually does kinda the same thing."
A muffled thud emanates from one of Sunburst's books, along with a small burst of teal light.
Starlight sits up. "Did something just teleport into..." Tilting her head, she reads the spine. "Quartz Quill's Treatise on Advanced Enchantment?"
Sunburst shrugs and opens the book, letting out a whinny at the parcel that burrowed its way through all the pages of his signed copy. Starlight, meanwhile, opens the package.
"Dragonlighter, letter, Peach Ribbon's Guide to Empty Nest Syndrome and Accepting Your Foal's Independence, another copy of the same, and - oooh, this one's addressed to you and me."
Starlight, Sunburst
I'm on a schedule here so I have to be brief.
Give these books to your parents.
Be nice to them, they are your parents.
Send this letter to Celestia, she's looking for a place to build a government facility/theme park. Don't ask.
Don't worry about the Treatise, you would have left it there anyway.
Yours, Starlight.
P.S. Ask Trixie about what she keeps in the secret compartment under the wagon. It's certainly something.
After sighing with relief, Sunburst packs their new weapons of map destruction back into his book-shaped box, Starlight burns the letter, satisfied in bringing the town some new income so they can actually grow to a population that needs committees, and a pair of binoculars retreat into a suspiciously speedy cloud, which then vanishes in a burst of teal, leaving behind a flyer for something called "Seventh Sanctum."
178. Non-Compete Clause
It was Wednesday at the School of Friendship. That meant it was time for another faculty meeting. This particular Wednesday’s main topic of discussion was a field trip the students (or rather, the six students that actually mattered) were going to undertake. The trip was meant to teach teamwork, which caught the attention of two particular teachers (the two teachers who really had no business being teachers in the first place).
Applejack raised a hoof. “I'm your pony, Twilight! Sweet Apple Acres has taught me a thing or two about workin' together.” Why she wasn’t tending said farm right now was never asked.
“Yeah, but being a Wonderbolt's the definition of teamwork,” countered Rainbow Dash, equally absent from her real job.
Applejack chuckled, only slightly insincerely. “I'm sure you're not sayin' fancy flyin' makes ya a better choice than me.”
Rainbow chuckled, very insincerely. “I wouldn't say ‘better’. Just a little more qualified. No offense.”
“Maybe you can lead the field trip together,” Fluttershy offered, breaking the tension.
“Of course!” Twilight declared. “Who better to model the importance of working as a team?”
“HI!” Starlight announced as the door flew open and she swept into the room.
All eyes turned to her. “Starlight?” Twilight questioned. “I thought you had a doctor’s appointment today.”
“Oh, I do,” she confirmed. She leaned close to Twilight. “By the by, the test is going to come back negative.”
Twilight looked visibly relieved, then seemed to catch herself and blushed.
Starlight smiled and looked around the room at her friends, finally focusing in on Applejack and Rainbow. “Anyhoo, don’t mind me. I’m just going to borrow these two for a jiffy.”
Without further ado, she lit her horn, there was a flash of light, and the three were gone. The room was silent for a beat.
“Ohhhhhhhh! It was THAT Starlight!” Pinkie droned.
~~~~~Seven Seasons Earlier~~~~~
There was a flash behind a conveniently concealing tree and suddenly the trio appeared at Sweet Apple Acres.
“What the… where are we?” Rainbow asked, looking around.
“We’re back in Fall Weather Friends, just before, well, watch,” Starlight answered, pointing a pair of ponies off to the side. It was another set of Applejack and Rainbow Dash, deep in heated conversation.
“Tomorrow is the annual Runnin' of the Leaves. I challenge you to race me in it," drawled Past Applejack.
Past Rainbow smirked. “Heh! Easy shmeasy.”
“Ohhh. Yer THAT Starl-” Applejack started, turning to her companions before realizing she could see right through them. “Ahhh! Yer transpirit!”
“That’s ‘transparent’,” corrected Starlight, “Though you’re actually closer than you think. I cast a ghosting spell on the three of us. We can’t be seen, heard, or felt. You two are going to observe some of your past interactions and see if you can glean a lesson or two from them. Copacetic? Kay, I’ll be back to pick you up tomorrow afternoon. Byeee!”
There was another flash and she was gone, leaving two very confused and irritated friends.
~~~~~Three Seasons Later~~~~~
There was yet another flash and Starlight appeared in the dark husk of the ruined Castle of the Two Sisters. In one corner of the great hall, there was a tent pitched which emitted seven sets of quiet breathing. To the other side two ghostly ponies leaned against a wall, looking very irate.
“Hello again, you two! So have we learned anything this time?” Starlight asked archly. “If not, I have some individual lessons in taking it down a notch for you to revisit. ‘Fact or Fan Fiction’, Wonderbolts Academy’, ‘Somepony to Watch Over Me’, ‘Pinkie Apple Pie’. I could go on.”
“An’ what lesson were we s’posed to learn?” growled Applejack.
“Yeah!” Dash agreed. “That when something even kinda interesting is about to happen you swoop in and fix stuff before it starts?”
Starlight looked back and forth between the two in confusion. “What? I’ve already fixed these two? But I haven’t been to these yet. This is one of my first… Ohhhhh. Right, that’s not how temporal continuity works. Okay, um… how about this?
She slapped the pair upside the backs of their heads. “Ow!” they both cried.
“Ah thought you said nopony could touch-”
“Don’t! Be! So! Competitive!” Starlight barked. “Every time you get stubborn and try to one-up somepony, especially each other, it just ruins everything!”
“A g-g-g-ghooOOooost!” a pink voice shrieked from the corner of the room.
All three turned to see Pinkie peeking out of the tent, staring directly at them.
“Ah thought you said nopony could see-”
Starlight snorted sharply. “It’s Pinkie. Forget it. Let’s go home.”
With a big bang and a final flash, they were gone, leaving just a shocked Pinkie. “Gasp. I see dead ponies.”
179. The Break-Up Break Down
"It's time for your intervention," Twilight Sparkle gloated. "I finally have proof you have a problem."
Starlight nodded absently from where she was sprawled on her custom crystal throne by the Cutie Map table. She flipped a page in Kites Quarterly, and took a sip from her pineapple smoothie.
Twilight held up a dog-eared friendship journal in her hornglow. "Remember this? All those friendship lessons we all learned the hard way, which you thought you could speed-run through with time travel?" She shook the journal at Starlight accusingly. "Well, now there's one you can't solve, because you messed with the timeline too much!"
"Mmm," Starlight grunted, flipping another page.
"It's Hearts and Hooves Day today! And look! Big Mac was supposed to send Sugar Belle a pie, which would get misdelivered to Sweetie Belle, and then he would overhear Sugar talking about ending a relationship, and Discord would convince him to preemptively break up with her before everyone finally sorted out their misunderstandings and they got back together!" Twilight said. "But he can't do any of that, because you caused Sugar Belle to fall in love with Double Diamond so you could catch Mac on the rebound!"
"Okay," Starlight said. She turned her magazine sideways and flipped out the centerfold, nodding appreciatively. "And?"
Twilight's eye twitched. "And!?" she shouted. "How will Big Mac learn the valuable lesson that when your friends do something which seems hurtful, you have to talk it out with them before making assumptions?"
The crystal door behind them squeaked open. "Hey, Twi?" Applejack said. "Have you seen Star– oh." She cleared her throat. "Mac said to tell ya he's takin' Future You's advice, and takin' you out to dinner tonight to talk 'bout why the pie he baked ya was in yer trash can."
Starlight nodded and flipped another page. "Let him know I'd like to propose a counteroffer," she said without looking up. "His room, 7 pm. Romantic candles. He brings a new pie to replace the one that Chrysalis poisoned. I bring the pizza."
"Fine, I'll —" Applejack paused, then sighed. "Sufferin' hootenannies. The bug's back in town?"
Starlight waved a dismissive hoof. "I've got it." She glanced over at Twilight. "Was that all?"
Twilight opened and closed her mouth ineffectually, then shook her head and jabbed a hoof angrily at the friendship journal. "That doesn't fix all the friendship problems! Plural! With an S! Sugar Belle was supposed to move to town and apprentice with the Cakes. How are they going to get enough free time to take care of their foals now?"
"'Scuse me, Purplesparks," a draconic voice said from right over Twilight's shoulder. "You wanted to see me?"
Twilight jumped. "Dragon Lord Ember?!"
Starlight raised a hoof. "I did, actually," she said. "Would you do me a favor real quick?"
Ember grinned, revealing rows of fangs. "I'm just gonna assume you're the one who set me up with Thorax last time I was here, and say, 'Tartarus, yes'."
Starlight grinned back. "You also remember Chrysalis, right? The changeling queen whose splines you reticulated that day? I made her a very generous offer — I would ignore her sneaking back into Ponyville for revenge, for as long as she disguised herself as a baker, apprenticed to the Cakes, and didn't do anything to hurt anypony. But since she seems to have declined, I'd appreciate it if you could walk over to the ugly vase in the corner, pick it up, and bend it into a mathematically impossible —"
The vase glowed green and turned into the changeling queen. "I've reconsidered," she blurted out, voice raised by an octave. "If I apologize for the pie, can I still accept your terms?"
"Sure." Starlight turned back to Twilight, and asked pleasantly, "Anything else?"
"B-b-b-" Twilight sputtered as Chrysalis waved and walked by. Her eye twitched even harder. She shook her head tightly, whirled back to Starlight, and shouted, "Discord! He and Spike had that whole side bet going on! But now he's never going to learn how important love is!"
"Oh! Hey!" Cadance said brightly from the doorway. "There you are! I've been looking all over the Crystal Palace for you!"
Twilight blinked several times. Then sighed, and her posture wilted. "Okay, I give up," she said in a small voice. "Starlight, you win. Intervention over. You two … just … go do your thing to him."
Cadance blinked, then giggled. "I wasn't looking for Starlight, silly! I was looking for you!"
"… Huh?"
Cadance's smile slowly grew. "I already shot Discord with a love beam, just like Future Starlight asked. But then he got all pouty, and said it was unfair he was the only one getting zotted, when it was Hearts and Hooves Day and there was an attractive alicorn in town who'd never even been on a date~"
Twilight froze.
She slowly turned around.
Discord, hiding his face half-behind a bouquet-hive of rosebees, giggled and waved. His cheeks reddened underneath eyes filled with heart-shaped pupils.
Cadance's horn flashed. Twilight's eyes also popped into little hearts.
As the three of them teleported off, Starlight sucked down the last of her smoothie, her straw making that bottom-of-the-glass noise. She set the empty down, and raised her voice. "So, girls, was anypony else planning an intervention tonight?"
The Cutie Mark Crusaders slowly raised their heads from behind the nearby map table.
"N-nah," Sweetie Belle said. "We're good."
180. Molt Down
Changes in their bodies: everypony has them, right? But Spike used to think it only happened to ponies. He was a dragon, he wasn’t going to grow like that. Now, Spiked wished it only happened with ponies. Voice changes, indigestion, those terrible scales stones that itched like hell... Smolder had told him he was growing, and that he was going to move out since no one wanted a molting dragon around. But that couldn’t be true, could it? Sure, Twilight wasn’t very happy with his burning breath, and the tourist group complained about his voice, but that didn’t mean they didn’t want him, right? Right?
The more he thought about it, the more nervous he became, and the more his scales itched. He didn’t want to go live in a cave...he wanted to stay with Twilight, reorganizing books and making lists. He wanted to stay with Rarity, helping her find gems for her wonderful dresses. He wanted to stay in Ponyville, where everypony knew him and liked him. He couldn’t just go.
And he was going to grow, in size. He was terrified at the thought of becoming a monster who would terrorize the town and steal treasures for himself. Smolder had told him molting was different from growing out of greed, but what if it wasn’t? What if he hurt someone? What if he- And there she was again, at the entrance of the Everfree Forest. She always was somewhere near every time someone had a problem. Starlight Glimmer
“Hello, Starlight.”
“Hello, Spike”, answered her, “Molting, I presume?”
“Yeah, it’s awful.”
“So...What’s exactly bothering you? The scales? The voice? The smell?”
“What smell?”
“Oh, you'll see.”
Spike replied, in an almost unintelligible voice, “I’m nervous about leaving.”
“Sorry, what was that?”
“I said I’m nervous about leaving.”
“Could you speak a little louder? Just a bit-“
“I’M NERVOUS ABOUT LEAVING!”
“...Yes, I heard.” Starlight had to leave home at some point too, and she was about to leave the castle once. Maybe she understood Spike more than she imagined. “I know it hurts to grow up, but it’s not something you can help. You just have to accept it. Sooner or later you got to leave the nest.”
“But,” Spike said, “Do I have to leave now?”
“Would you like to find out?” Spike nodded, and watched as Starlight performed her time-travel spell in both of them.
“Wait, didn’t you say we were going to see if I leave home in the future? Why are we still in the Everfree Forest?”
“Oh, I just have something to do first.” As soon as Starlight finished her sentence, a giant bird passed by them, only to be shoot down by a magic laser beam.
“That’s all”, Starlight said, “Now, let’s continue.”
~
“... And whatever happens, we'll get through it together.” Twilight was hugging Spike, who now had grown wings.
“Is...is that me?” Spike said, seeing his future self as he and his friends started walking back to Ponyville.
“Yes, do you like it?”
“It’s...it’s amazing”
“I told you Spike. Growing may hurt, but it brings along great things.”
“Did it happen to you?”
“...maybe...”
Spike went back to his present, now more confident about his molt, knowing that soon he would change for the better.
“That’s all” said Starlight to herself, “and I just have a small delay.”
“Delay?...Wait! Starlight!”, Spike shouted.
“Yes?”
“I appreciate what you’ve done, really. But couldn’t you just cast a spell on me so I could grow faster?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about”, Starlight said, nervously.
“Come on Starlight, You’ve turned yourself into a filly, sure you could’ve turn me into a grown-up dragon. It could’ve saved you a lot of time.”
“And let you skip one of the most awful and embarrassing moments in your life? Where’s the fun in that?”
181. Marks for Effort
Future Starlight Glimmer saw Twilight Sparkle speaking with the Cutie Mark Crusaders in the Friendship School hallway. "Hi Twilight, looks like you could use a guidance councilor's help!" she said. "Hint, hint?"
"No thanks Starlight. I got this," Twilight said, dismissing her.
"I said, HINT HINT," Starlight repeated.
"Oh geez, it's you, again," Twilight said, recognizing that it was that Starlight. "I was just about to tell them that they can't be my students because they don't need friendship lessons."
"That's true, but why not take them on as tutors?" Starlight suggested.
"I don't have anything to spare in the school budget for that," Twilight said. Starlight chuckled.
"Oh please! Hasn't Spike taught you anything about the value of unpaid internships?"
182. The Mean 6
Shutterbug zipped about the room, pulling the hair of each pony and taking their pictures except Starlight. Then she left. Future Starlight appeared in the hallway behind her.
"Hey, I was too nervous to mention it before, but I couldn't help but notice that you pulled everypony's hair except the one who likes it pulled," Starlight said with a devious grin. "You big tease." Starlight flipped her tail at her.
"Oh." Shutterbug just stared at her for a moment, processing the words. "Okay then." She pulled a hair from Starlight's tail.
"Mmf, yes!" Starlight shuddered.
"Well this got weird in a hurry," Shutterbug said, making haste out the front door. Starlight teleported above her and tackled her to the ground.
"My turn," Starlight whispered, pulling a hair from Shutterbug's tail. In a flash of green flame, the hair transformed back into a piece of black chitin. "Oh?" Starlight struck Shutterbug with her changeling nullification spell, revealing Queen Chrysalis's true form. "Oh." Starlight frowned. "I guess we're both looking for love in all the wrong places." Her horn glowed brighter. "And you still have something on your face."
183. A Matter of Principals
"Wait, you all were called on this friendship quest too?" Twilight said, walking into the map room and seeing that she and all five of her friends had glowing cutie marks.
"It must be a really important one," Fluttershy said.
"And terribly far away," Rarity added. Motioning to the map table.
"Just getting there will take days," Rainbow Dash said.
"Y'all know what this means?" Applejack said. "There won't be any teachers left to run the school!" Everypony gasped. In a flash of purple light, Future Starlight appeared. She pointed at the map table.
"Ignore that. Discord's screwing with you," she said before disappearing again.
184. The Hearth's Warming Club
"Um Starlight, usually I put up those decorations," Rainbow Dash said, looking at Starlight Glimmer levitating herself to the ceiling rafters above the Hearth's Warming tree.
"I've got it this year," Future Starlight said, affixing some decorations and applying a liberal coat of slippery grease to the beam.
185. Friendship University
When Flim and Flam opened the Friendship University, one mare made it a point to be right at the very front of the registration line on the first day.
"Good morning madam!" Flim greeted.
"How can we serve you?" Flam asked. The mare took and paid for a set of the study notes.
"Actually, I'm serving you," Future Starlight said. She gave them each a copy of the court summons. "And you can shut-down this for-profit school."
"What!?" Flim gasped.
"There's nothing illegal about a for-profit school!" Flam said, nervously looking at the line of customers- er, students behind her. "If- if this even was one!"
"While that is unfortunately correct," Starlight said, "Plagiarism is still really really illegal. Especially now that you have used it for profit!"
"But we haven't even-" Flam looked at the notes she had just purchased. He tried to snatch them back.
"Ah ah! These are mine now." Starlight said, putting them into a plastic evidence bag. She looked back at the two rugged stallions behind her. They revealed their badges, identifying themselves as officers of the law. They proceeded to arrest Flim and Flam. "See you in court."
186. The End in Friend
"Rainbow Dash and Rarity have very different interests that keep them busy," Twilight Sparkle explained to the class. Beside her on the stage were the two mares of discussion. "But being friends is so important to them that they always make time for each other." Rainbow Dash both blushed and Rarity chuckled nervously.
"Our day of fun was hard-planned," Rarity said. "What with Rainbow Dash's extremely time-consuming and erratically scheduled Wonderbolts ,
"And Rarity's weird fashion seasons," Rainbow Dash added. "She's working on her winter collection, and it's not even summer yet!
"But you still found time to be together!" Twilight said. "And that's what counts. See class? These ponies are models of true friendship in action."
"What amazing stuff are you going to do together?" Silverstream asked.
Rarity and Rainbow Dash exchanged nervous glances. They knew they couldn't tell them the truth. Both tried to say a fabrication. Both tried to say it at the same time. Both said something different. They each tried to say something else, each of them talking louder over the other. It began to devolve into a quarrel.
"Are we supposed to be learning something here?" Smolder asked. "Because this doesn't sound like compromising at all."
"Yeah! You guys have nothing in common. How can you be... friends?" - Gallus asked.
Rainbow Dash and Rarity blushed and chuckled even more nervously. Future Starlight groaned from the stage. It was so obvious to her, of course, but nopony else could see it.
"Rarity is the femme and Dash is the butch!" Starlight shouted out across the room.
"Ooooh!" the entire class said in understanding, writing down their notes.
187. Yakity-Sax
Pinkie Pie stood outside the Yakyakistan music shop. "Maybe I'll get a souvenir to bring back to Ponyville," she said to herself. Future Starlight appeared beside her and put a hoof on her shoulder.
"Or you could NOT do that," Starlight suggested.
"What? Why not?" Pinkie asked.
"Yakyakistan music shops have this really nasty habit of randomly bursting into flames."
"What? They do not. Don't be silly." Pinkie Pie's smile vanished. "Seriously. Don't be silly. That's my job!" Her moment of seriousness passed and she walked past Starlight towards the shop. Just before she could go inside, the entire music shop randomly burst into flames. "Holy moly!" Pinkie Pie screamed, running away from the inferno. Ygritte ran screaming out of the blaze and then stopped, dropped and rolled in the snow, extinguishing the embers in her fur.
"She'll be okay," Starlight assured Pinkie. "Everything is going to be just-" Starlight smelled burning pizza. "AWW CRAP!"
188. Road to Friendship
"One caravan for two, all set!" Trixie said to Starlight Glimmer. "Oh, you brought luggage."
"You bet I did! Everything two ponies need for the road trip of their lives!" Starlight said. "Three 1000-piece puzzles. One copy of Dragon Pit, the best board game in the history of ponies. My famous collection of campfire spices and an inflatable raft. Did I forget something?"
Future Starlight appeared with a flash of purple light and slapped Starlight across the face.
"You don't need none of that crap!" Future Starlight said. "Actually, wait... keep the raft. And take this." She gave Starlight a single, small piece of luggage.
"What's this?" Starlight asked, opening the bag.
"Everything the two of you will need," Future Starlight said before disappearing again. Trixie looked in the bag as Starlight sorted through it.
"Let's see... ear plugs, hotel reservations, an almost-criminal amount of bits and..."
"Oh my," Trixie gasped as the last item in the bottom of the bag started to buzz like a nest of angry hornets.
189. The Washouts
Rolling Thunder was getting ready to help set up The Washouts show in Ponyville. She walked over to the equipment trailer to start unloading.
Starlight Glimmer was standing just outside the trailer, leaning against it.
"Oi! This is a restricted area! Crew only!" she yelled. "What are you doing back here!?"
"Pizza delivery," Future Starlight said, lighting a cigarette.
"You bloody off your nut!?" Thunder screamed. "Do you have any idea how much pyrotechnics are in there!?!"
"Yeah," Starlight said, flicking the cigarette into the trailer before disappearing.
190. A Rockhoof and a Hard Place
Professor Rockhoof was regaling the classroom with an exciting tale.
"Ooh ooh! What happened next?" Yona asked.
"The Ursa Major backed me up against the wall," Rockhoof continued his story, "I looked at her, she looked at me, and I said,"
"Uh, Professor Rockhoof?" Twilight said from the smashed hole in the wall.
"Nope, guess again!" he said. "Oops."
"Class, why don't we take lunch early today," Twilight said.
"How 'bout no?" Future Starlight said from the back of the classroom. She munched on a box of popcorn. "It's a really good story and he's telling it really well. He has a real talent for it, Twilight. Like... a special talent. For story telling. Twilight? Hintity hint hint?"
"Okay! I get it!" Twilight said, rolling her eyes. "His special talent is story telling."
"One of many I'm sure," Starlight said, winking at massive stallion.
"But no smashing!" Twilight said.
"Twilight!" Starlight balked. "What I do in the privacy of my- oh wait, you mean like literally."
191. What Lies Beneath
Silverstream and her friends gathered around the floor grate of the library. A glowing crystal root from the Tree of Harmony had dislodged the cover. "I only glanced at that plumbing book, but I'm pretty sure that's not supposed to be there," she said.
Smolder leaned down to peer inside.
What are you doing?" Ocellus asked.
"Dragon," Smolder said of herself. "Strange magical cave. What do you think I'm doing?" she asked. Future Starlight appeared with a flash of purple light.
"Or you could NOT do that," Starlight said.
"But what about the magical glowing thing?" Ocellus asked.
"Seems like something you should tell the maintenance faculty, or a teacher, or literally any adult, before you just go spelunking in an underground space. You could get caved in, asphyxiate in a low oxygen environment, or get exposed to radon. So unless you're a ninja turtle, stay out of the sewer," she advised.
192. Sounds of Silence
Starlight Glimmer walked up the hillside to the dwelling of the recluse Kirin.
"Autumn Blaze?" she called out. The Kirin stepped outside to meet her.
"Yes?" Do I know you?" Autumn asked nervously.
"Not yet." Starlight gave her a bundle of Foal's Breath.
"Oh my gosh! You found some!" she said.
"Yup. Wanna go mess with the village's water supply?" she asked with a devious grin. Autumn squealed.
~
Applejack and Fluttershy were just about done packing when their cutie marks stopped flashing.
"Huh. I guess it sorted itself out."
193. Father Knows Beast
"Coming to Ponyville wan't an accident," Sludge said to Spike. "I was looking for you. Spike... I'm your father."
Before Pinkie Pie could win the longest gasp everyone vanished in a flash of purple light. Everypony re-appeared in the seats of the theater used for Celestia's play. The rest of Ponyville was already there. Sludge and Spike appeared in seats on the stage.
"Welcome back everypony!" Future Starlight announced as she walked down the aisle of the stands. "And now we find out the big reveal from the paternity test!"
"Paternity test!?" Sludge asked in confusion. He looked around the stage and saw a giant sign behind him. "Who the hell is Mulely Povich?"
"We have the results from testing your blood, Sludge," Starlight said.
"What!? When did you take my blood?" he asked.
"While you were sleeping!" Starlight said with an unnerving cackle! "And we compared it to Spike's DNA sample!"
"Wait! How did you get MY DNA?" he asked.
"You're going through puberty! It was easy!" Starlight said. Spike blushed. Starlight Glimmer opened the envelope. "Sludge! What do you and Darth Vader NOT have in common?"
"What!? Who the hell is-"
"You are NOT the father!" she announced. "Our lie detector determined that THAT was a lie!" Red lights flashed and there was a buzzer. Everypony in the audience booed. "You are, however, the weakest link. Goodbye!" Starlight pressed the button on her remote and the rocket underneath Sludge's chair activated.
"I don't understand these referenceeeeeeeeees!" he screamed as he vanished into the sky.
"Looks like team rocket is blasting of again!" Starlight laughed.
"Starlight, when did you have time to set all this up!?" Spike asked.
"It's amazing what you can do when you don't have to sleep!" she said. "Let's just say that Pinkie's 'nose sugar' isn't actually sugar."
"Narc!" Pinkie grumbled. "Though that does explain all the forth-wall breaking."
194 & 195. School Raze
Dear Cozyglow,
Rumors of me exploding in the Golden Oaks Library are greatly exaggerated. I am indeed imprisoned in Tartarus. My time here has taught me that trying to take over Equestria is a bad idea, and I do not recommend it to anypony. You sound like a brilliant strategist and I'm sure you'll do great things for the Equestrian Royal Guard one day. In the meantime, I think you should focus more on your studies and your talent on the school chess team.
- Sincerely, Tirek
P.S. And be nicer to your guidance counselor.
~
Starlight Glimmer finished writing the forged letter and sent it off to the troubled filly, setting her on the right path.
STAY TUNED FOR SEASON 9 (maybe)