Bob liked to think of himself as a simple changeling. He was loyal only to Queen Chrysalis, whom he would follow until the end while doing his best to carry out her delightfully psychotic wishes and commands. He was a frugal bug, who had a modest little crevice to call his own, and he kept it clean and organized like a good little bug should. He had little in the way of possessions, though he did have a cherished - but secret - stuffed Applejack plush that he would talk to when things didn’t go so well at work. He harbored no grandiose plans of fame or wealth, he would never claim to be a great military strategist, and he knew he was not one who could hold an audience in rapt attention with his wit and intelligence. He was a drone, no more and no less.
But as he lay beneath Celestia’s wing, listening to the soft pulses of her heart and feeling the steady rise and fall of her side, he wondered what he could have possibly done to anger his most magnanimous and gracious queen.
That was the only way to explain why he had been sent on this mission of pure and unadulterated torture.
Ever since he had been transplanted up to the Daytime Tormentor’s personal chambers, his entire existence had been going sour, and quite rapidly at that. Princess Celestia absolutely refused to be seperated from “her Bean” - she would even produce a checklist with itemized reasons for her absences from the affairs of Equestria - which meant that Bob had been forced to keep up the charade of being her beloved non-stop. He had expected her to be too busy with doing whatever she did to keep her kingdom going, and so he would have ample breaks. Since that was not to be, he had nearly fallen asleep in the middle of something from fatigue at keeping his physical and verbal disguise going.
Sadly, that wasn't the biggest problem to rear up and bite him in the abdomen.
“Bean?” Celestia gently asked, and Bob’s musings were put on hold while he swallowed hard. “Are you awake, my love?”
“I am, but it’s nothing to worry about.”
A pair of bright magenta eyes focused squarely on him in the darkness, and he had to fight back a shudder. Though he could feel Celestia's concern pouring over him like a pounding waterfall, he always felt like she was looking through his disguise, through his chitin, and straight into his heart. He was sure that, once those feelings of concern and fear for her beloved died down, she would realize what he was and then those huge gold-clad hooves were going to stomp him into a thin green smear.
“But you should be asleep. Are you in pain? On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate it?”
Bob scrunched his muzzle and took in a couple of halting breaths. She was doing it again! Despite the smooth warmth of her concern, it was her horrible love that kept overriding all over emotions and filled him with a need…
A need to …
“AH-CHOO!”
“Oh, dear!” Celestia quickly conjured up a kerchief, and Bob groaned while she cleaned up the mess he’d made with his nose. Out of all the changelings that had ever existed, he just had to be the first one to have an allergy to raw, unadulterated alicorn love.
It was the only explanation that made any kind of sense. Every time the White Horror of a Princess sent even a little love towards him, a horrible tickle would invade his nose, and it was only a matter of time before he would sneeze. This, of course, meant she would send even more love, and he would sneeze even more in a seemingly unending train of misery. Trying to hold it in wouldn’t work; he usually ended up sneezing for what felt like an hour afterwards and an itching line of pinpoint rashes had begun to trace their way down his neck in the direction of his spine. The end of his nose felt like it was being rubbed off with very coarse sandpaper by now, and tears came to his eyes while Celestia finished cleaning him up.
“I hope Doctor Horsenpfeffer can find the source of your allergy,” Celestia whispered, and a trash can floated over to accept the drenched kerchief. “Though it is most puzzling. I don’t know what could have gotten into our room that wasn’t here before.”
“I’m not sure either, but I wish it would go away,” Bob replied, and he meant it.
“It’s so strange that you’ve never had allergies before today,” Celestia continued, and Bob greedily drank in her confusion in the hope it would smother the flood of love that felt as if it were starting to leak out of his ears. “It seems like you should have been exposed to this irritant before now.”
“I think it’s probably comes from my upbringing. We had to keep the kitchen back home as clean as possible, and I really didn’t get out much.”
“Well, we shall soon discover the culprit, and then we can eliminate it,” Celestia replied with a small smile.
With a bugswatter, Bob thought dryly.
“How is your leg? Is it bothering you?” Celestia asked with a glance to the injured appendage.
“No, it’s not too bad at the moment. If I keep it still, it doesn’t hurt.”
“How about your ribs?” she asked, and her nose moved in and rubbed against the fluff on his chest.
Bob fought back another sneeze; he didn't want to spray Celestia with what few brains he had left. Besides being fatal, there was a good chance she’d figure out what it was while washing it out. “They’re a bit sore, but mostly because of the sneezing I think. That does feel nice, though.”
It really did, and Bob gave a contented sigh while the sneeze subsided. Changelings generally did not understand why any creature would want to be covered in hair, and if they weren’t careful, a bug could end up rolling on the floor in hysterics from the ticklish sensation. But Bob was sure his fellow bugs would quickly be convinced of the value, once they felt the same flow of tingles in their own carapace from the gentle rubbing of a hoof through a mane or along a furry chest.
“So, what keeps you awake? You’ve hardly slept over the last two nights.”
“I don’t think it’s anything in particular, my Love,” he replied while he tried to keep his focus on her concern. “I am just restless, nothing more … ugh … ah-CHOO!”
Again with the love! Bob had to force his own annoyance down before he blew his cover in frustration. The pain from having his nose wiped again helped him to push aside what Celestia was force feeding him without her even knowing it, and he sniffled while she clucked over him.
“Oh, my precious love. Perhaps I should summon Luna? She may be able to assist you.”
“No, no,” Bob replied with a barely hidden note of exasperation. “We don't need to trouble her. I think a glass of warm milk would do the trick, or perhaps I should let you smack me with a blunt object.”
“I’m not going to hit you,” Celestia replied with a deep frown. “And I really do not appreciate you suggesting any such thing. I know you are tired and frustrated, but the solution to our problems is not more physical violence.”
Bob nodded. “You’re right, I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.”
Celestia stood, but she kept a wary eye on him. “I will be right back, my Love. Please try to get some rest.”
“Bean? Shouldn’t you be asleep by now?”
“I’m not tired,” Bean replied, and he gnawed on the end of his pencil for a moment. “Hmm. Honeysuckle should have a few more charms, I think.”
Chrysalis took the risk of rolling her Celestia eyes. This pest of a prince had been going non-stop on his story, and thus Chrysalis had been given only a few fleeting moments to herself before she had to coo and fawn over him again, and it had quickly grown to be both irksome and obnoxious.
“You really need to rest, my sweet,” she softly said while sending a sleeping spell towards him. Bean’s writing paused for a moment, his eyes appeared to grow heavy, and his head dipped towards his book.
“Maybe … just a little rest …” he sleepily murmured, but then he suddenly bit down on his pencil hard, snapped back up, and his eyes lit up with delight. “Rest! That’s it! Honeysuckle hasn’t had a chance to rest! How did I miss that?!”
“Bean, please…” Chrysalis begged. “You must sleep. I need you to sleep.”
“Oh, there’s no way I could go to sleep now!” he cheerfully replied, and his pencil flowed over the page with quick and stabbing strokes. “I’ve just had an apostrophe!”
“I think you mean an epiphany,” Chrysalis said while she rubbed the side of her head.
“A lightning bolt of inspiration has just struck my brain. I’ve got to get this down! Now, what happens when Honeysuckle pushes herself too far? Does she lose coherence, or perhaps she just collapses outright? What would be more dramatic? Maybe both.”
“Bean, sleep,” she ordered, and her magic flared wildly.
Bean continued to write for a moment, but then his eyes began to flutter shut. “But, Honeysuckle … needs to get …”
Chrysalis let out a groaning sigh when Bean finally drifted off. This had been so much easier with Shining Armor.* “Thorax! Get in here, you idiot!”
(*)That's because she had not expressed any interest in Ogres and Oubliettes. Thankfully.
“My Queen?” Thorax replied, and Chrysalis yelped while leaping up and away from him.
“Thorax! Don’t do that!” she snapped, and she put a hoof to her chest while she tried to breathe.
“You did call for me, My Queen.”
“You are this close to losing your sick time, you know,” she growled. “How are Mandible and Dave?”
“With the recent infusion of love, they should be good for another day and a half or so.”
“You checked the wires and made sure they were tight, right?”
Thorax grimaced and flinched back slightly, as if he had been forced to recall an unpleasant memory. “I, um. I did. I had to make some adjustments to Dave’s negative terminal connection, but it’s secure now.”
“Good. I don’t need another failure. Did you get my new crossword book?”
“I have it right here.” Thorax produced the requested item, and Chrysalis let out a small squeal of delight while she snatched it from him and hugged it tightly.
“Thorax, you loveable bug, you! I might just give you a bonus in your next paycheck for this.”
“Really?”
“No. Now get out of here. I have work to do.”
Thorax left quickly, and Chrysalis glared at Bean. If this yellow nuisance kept fighting her efforts to control him, he was going to find himself stuffed into a pod and left to rot. But how was he able to fight off her magic? Her other victims had never been so resilient, or so stubborn. Even Shining Armor had been bent to her will and whims within a few hours, and though it had taken time to build up enough love to fight off Celestia, she hadn’t had to force the Captain of the Guard to do her bidding like she had to with this Bean.
Could she possibly be losing her touch? The thought came unbidden, but she quickly seized it, slammed it into the ground, punched it a few times, and then kicked it out of her head and into oblivion. She was not losing her touch. It was impossible. There was some other rational and reasonable explanation for what was going on. Once she filled out a crossword or two, she would feel much better, and then she could figure out what was causing his defiance and destroy it.
“Good morning, Your Highnesses,” Doctor Horsenpfeffer offered while she entered their room. “Just making my morning rounds. How did you sleep last night, Bean?”
“Not very well,” Bob admitted. “I was very restless, and I had a few sneezing fits again.”
“I see,” she replied. Her magic wrapped around his injured foreleg, and Bob soaked in her confusion and concern. “The preliminary results from the allergy tests indicate that you don’t have a common allergy, like with peanuts or pollen. It’s going to be a bit tricky to nail down what your allergy is, I’m afraid.”
“Is there anything that can be done to expedite the testing?” Celestia asked. “I don’t want Bean to suffer any more than he has to.”
“I’m afraid not,” Horsenpfeffer said, while her magic shifted to Bob’s barrel. “These tests can’t be rushed. We have to be methodical so we don’t miss it.”
“I see,” Celestia replied, and her wings drooped slightly.
“The good news is that, so far, your injuries seem to be healing quite well,” the Doctor went on. “You still need to take it easy, of course, but I’m sure you would like to get out of this room, and I would like you to be up and moving, too. I want you to rest up for one more day, and then I’ll have a wheelchair sent up for you tomorrow. I want you to go get some sun; a little fresh air and a change of scenery can go a long way sometimes. This might also help with our allergy testing; if you stop sneezing when you leave then we can narrow the search to what is in here.”
Celestia perked up with this news, and her wings ruffled while Bob sneezed again. “I think that is a wonderful idea! We can take a short tour of the gardens, and then perhaps we can share a light luncheon with Cadence.”
“I didn’t know she was here in Canterlot,” Bob replied while his heart began to hammer against his chest. The Princess of Love, here?! They were going to take turns pounding him into bug pâté!
Bob hesitated. What in the world was pâté? He liked the word, but he really didn't know what it meant.
“She returned with us when you were rescued,” Celestia kindly explained. “Shining Armor would be here too, if he could, but neither of them felt comfortable with leaving the Empire devoid of leadership for an extended amount of time.”
“Will Princess Cadance be staying much longer?” Bob asked. “I mean, if I’m recovering, why does she need to be here?”
“She wants to offer the support of the Empire, as well as her own personal service to your needs,” Celestia replied with a slight frown. “She has always been interested in the welfare of others, and she will put their needs above her own without hesitation.”
Bob nodded, and he realized he’d said the wrong thing. The bitter tang of Celestia’s disappointment and suspicion burnt the back of his throat, and he needed to assuage her feelings, before those bitter emotions reacted explosively with the huge quantity of love he was lugging around in his belly. The explosion could level the castle. And him.
"I'm sorry, my Love," he quickly interjected. "That came out wrong, and I didn’t phrase it very well. I’m happy she’s here, and I’m glad she wants to help. I just think her time would be better spent caring for other ponies. You, Luna, and Doctor Horsenpfeffer are taking such good care of me already that I don’t know what she could do to help me recover.”
The tang from Celestia's suspictions lessened, but didn’t completely abate. “At the moment, she feels that you are the one who needs the attention, so she will provide it however she can. She has been handling Day Court and attending my scheduled meetings so that I may remain with you. She was even kind enough to prepare your breakfast this morning, despite the full schedule she is carrying.”
“She did? I’ll have to thank her. She did really good,” Bob replied, while he silently begged for some sort of catastrophic event to descend upon the Crystal Empire and force Cadence to leave. A fire, perhaps, if crystal burned. Or a weasel invasion.
“Princess? Why don’t you come with me to get that wheelchair,” Horsenpfeffer offered. “We can check in on Sergeant Clover Leaf while we’re at it.”
“Oh, yes, I would like to give the Sergeant my personal thanks,” Celestia replied. “We’ll be right back, my love. Just relax for now.”
Bob replied with a sneeze, a groan, and a nod. “Don’t worry. I think I can handle that.”
~*~
“Now then, let’s discuss the Bean-shaped elephant in the room, shall we?” Doctor Horsenpfeffer stated as she and the Princess walked down the hallway.
“His behavior has been most peculiar,” Celestia agreed. “He fluxuates between his normal, delightful self and that … that … that whatever it was he just displayed. Do you think this can be explained by a head injury?”
“That’s just about the only thing that could explain it. There may be some underlying trauma that I haven’t been able to find. The brain is such a complex thing, and it’s hard to tell if there is an injury just with magical scans.”
“So what do we do?” Celestia asked.
“For now, just keep an eye on him and take notes of his behavior. Stay by his side every minute you can. I want to get a good sampling of what exactly he is doing before we bring in a therapist. It may take some time to work out the issues, Your Highness, and there is a chance that he may not be able to recover. Some injuries are beyond our capability to heal.”
Celestia faltered ever so slightly. “I certainly hope not, for Bean’s sake. He has suffered enough for Equestria, and for me.”
“I’ll see to it personally that he receives the best care possible. We’ll do whatever we can, Princess. I promise.”
“Thank you, Doctor,” Celestia replied with a smile. “How is Sergeant Clover’s recovery progressing?”
“She’s doing amazingly well, too. I can’t share specifics, of course, but I believe she’ll be able to make a full recovery and return to her usual guard duties in a reasonable amount of time. I will admit I was worried about the damage to her wing, but it seems to be responding well to our treatments.”
“And Sergeant Hokey Pokey?”
Horsenpfeffer let out a long suffering laugh. “Has the Prince discussed the details of his fight against Tirek with you?”
“No, why?”
“Both Sergeants have told me about an incident that happened just before the attack. It seems that your husband fancied the ragtag group that had rallied behind him as a sort of half-baked Elements of Harmony, and each of them were assigned to an element. Clover Leaf claimed the Element of Confusion, and Hokey Pokey decided he was Stubbornness. I bring this up because it describes perfectly how Pokey has been as a patient.”
“He hasn't been too much trouble, has he?”
“Oh, no,” Horsenpfeffer said with a quick snort of amusement. “He’s simply bound and determined to get back to duty as fast as possible. I’m sure he’ll be back to his post by this time next week, no matter how severe his injuries are. He’s a lot like my ex in a way.”
“His dedication is admirable, though,” Celestia said with a smile. “Do you think he will be able to accomplish this lofty goal?”
“I think he will. His injuries were not as severe, so his recovery is progressing faster. Even if he is not fully healed, I think we can just prop him up in front of your door, and he can guard that with minimal physical exertion.”
The Doctor then spoke about the other injuries that had been sustained in Ponyville while they walked, but thankfully, they were fairly minor in nature and would heal with little intervention. Princess Celestia thanked her for the service she had rendered, but the good doctor simply waved a hoof at that.
“It was my pleasure to help out, Princess, just as it would be for any good doctor. Besides, I'm now one of the most popular ponies in Ponyville thanks to my vast lollipop supply.”
“Your name will forever be spoken of in reverence and smell like sour apple,” Celestia replied, and they both laughed.
“One last thing before we go in.” Horsenpfeffer stopped at a door and took in a long breath. “Sergeant Clover does feel responsible and guilty for what happened to Prince Bean. Perhaps you could say something about this not being her fault?”
Celestia felt a twinge of guilt and regret pierce her heart, and the memory of her outburst in Ponyville flashed in her mind. “I will be most pleased to do so, and to offer my heartfelt apologies. I fear I was the one who made her feel this way.”
Horsenpfeffer nodded and knocked on the door. The was a slight pause before Clover called out, but when Celestia entered the room, both Sergeant Clover and Sergeant Pokey offered a crisp salute.
“At ease, Sergeants,” Celestia said, “and good morning. I did not expect to find you here, Sergeant Pokey.”
“I decided to stop by after my physical therapy session, Ma’am,” Pokey replied. “To what do we owe the honor?”
“I simply wished to see how your recovery was progressing.” Celestia focused in on Clover with a worried frown. “And to offer my apologies. Sergeant Clover, you are not to blame for what happened, and my behavior that day was inexcusable. You did do everything you could to protect my Bean, and I am grateful beyond words for your service.”
Clover gave a soft smile to this. “No hard feelings, Your Highness. That had to be just about the worst way to find out what had happened, and I don’t blame you for freaking out a little. I should have been a better guard.”
“No pony could possibly be expected to do more than you did, not even myself. I will be honored to retain you both as Bean’s personal guards, provided you both wish to remain as such.”
Clover glanced over to Pokey, but then she smiled more when she looked back to the Princess. “I think we’d both like to stay, Ma’am. It’ll take more than a superpowered villain to get rid of us.”
“Then I look forward to your speedy recovery and reinstatement,” Celestia said, her inner joy expressed in her tone. “How severe are you injuries?”
“Oh, not so bad, Ma’am. Really,” Clover replied, and she shuffled a bit in her bed. “I mean, there will be some scars, but I can live with that.”
“Scars?” Celestia’s tone held nothing but trepidation.
“Yes Ma’am. That chimera caught me while I was trying to take off, and his claws left a nice reminder that I was not a welcome visit.” Clover pointed to the bandages on her right side. “Doc stitched me up good, though, so I'll be fine. Besides, it’ll make for a great story later.”
“And your wing?”
Clover reflexively twitched the injured appendage, and a wince came with the action. “Doc says I'll be grounded for a while, and I may need to have another surgery or two on it, but there's no way I'm done, Ma’am. I'll be back in the sky before you know it. Besides," she added with a quick flip of her shortened mane. "Studly stallions dig scars.”
“I certainly hope so,” Celestia replied with a grin. “And how is your recovery, Sergeant Pokey?”
“I'm doing just fine, Ma’am,” Pokey replied. “Nicks and cuts mostly for me, so I'll be back to duty within a week or so.”
“Good. I look forward to seeing you back at your regular post. Doctor, how is Corporal Quillpoint doing?”
“He’s already been discharged, Your Highness.” Horsenpfeffer shook her head and chuckled. “His injuries were relatively minor, but you would think he had been diagnosed with a terminal illness by the way Miss Inkwell fussed and fawned over him. I don't think we need to worry about his care.”
“I would have to agree,” Celestia replied with a laugh, and she turned back to the Sergeants. “Now, if I may impose upon you a bit more, I would very much appreciate it if you could give me your account of what happened during Tirek’s attack, and what you did to prepare for it.”
“Of course, Your Highness. We’ll tell you everything we know,” Pokey replied with Clover’s nod. “Where would you like us to begin?”
“So then Megan and Katrina face each other, their eyes glinting with resolve.” Bean paused, chewed on his pencil for a moment, then glanced up to the disguised Chrysalis. “Is glinting the right word?”
“I think it’s fine, love,” Chrysalis lied. “It fits the mood you are after.”
“Okay, good. Now, there’s a tense standoff, but Honeysuckle uses that time to maneuver around. Just as Katrina raises her staff to strike, Honeysuckle lets loose her own magic bolt, and it’s knocked out of her grasp.”
“Oh, no. Too fast, love.” Chrysalis tapped the page with a hoof. “Let the tension build, let them fight. It’s much more dramatic if Honey strikes right at the last moment, thus saving Megan just in the nick of time.”
“Ooh, right. I didn't think of that.”
Chrysalis hummed while Bean's love flowed with his writing. Of course, if Katrina had a competent bone in her evil body, she could have defeated Megan four or five times by now. Why do the villains in these stories never think past the first steps of their plans?
“Okay.” Bean paused and read what he’d written quickly. “So the day is saved, Megan is reunited with her family, and Honeysuckle announces that it’s time for everypony to return to their own homeland now.”
“Have it be permanent,” Chrysalis offered. “Ponies always find the end of a friendship to be very tragic.”
A worthless sentiment, she added to herself. Friendship is for the weak.
“Oh!” Bean’s eyes went wide, and he nearly bit his pencil in half. “That’s perfect! I can have this whole scene with them not wanting to say goodbye, yet unable to do anything about it. Maybe I could even have Honeysuckle start to fade out, like she’s being erased from existence or something.”
“Oo, that could be a bit dark.” Chrysalis licked her lips. That would improve this drivel immensely.
“You think so? Maybe it needs to be, though. I'll have to think about that one.”
“While you do, why don't I get us something to eat?” Chrysalis offered with a hint of her magic in the words. “You must be hungry from all of this work.”
Bean blinked for a moment, and Chrysalis suppressed her grin when she saw her spell reflect in his eyes. “Yeah, I could eat. What do you suggest, my dear?”
Chrysalis stood and gave Bean a seductive stretch to admire. “Oh, I have something in mind. How about a nice fusilli with artichoke hearts and parmesan cream?”
“That does sound good,” Bean said while he kept writing.
“And to celebrate the finish of your first full story, I'll have Chef Beet pull out a special dulcitto wine that I’ve been saving for a very—” her wing dipped and tickled Bean’s back “—special occasion.”
Bean paused, and his eyes snapped up to her for a moment before they began to dart back and forth. “A wine?”
Chrysalis could taste his confusion, so she dipped her head down and nipped his ear. “Mm, yes,” she whispered. “I personally oversaw the entire process, from when the first furrow was turned in the vineyard to the final bottling. It is the finest vintage Equestria can offer, and it will be all for you and for me.”
Bean gnawed on his pencil for a moment, but then he spat it out and studied the teeth marks he’d left in the writing implement. “You know what? That sounds good. Maybe we could have some spumoni afterwards.”
“That sounds delightful,” Chrysalis cooed. “You work out the details of your story, and I will go order our meal.”
“Okay. Is there any chance I could have two scoops, please?”
“Of course, my dear. I will be right back.”
Chrysalis swayed her hips while she left, but Bean was too absorbed in his writing to notice. She frowned and pouted, annoyed that the Bean wasn't paying attention to her, and the door to the chamber slammed slightly behind her when she left.
She hesitated as a realization swept over het. She should be acutely aware of Baked Bean’s emotions, and yet she felt nothing. There was no love, no confusion. There wasn't even any of the residual happiness that he inadvertently exuded.
She glanced over to Mandible and Dave, and found they were engaged in a conversation about which wood made for the best pulp. The wires powering the illusion spell were still attached and functional, and nothing else in the hallway seemed amiss.
She casually walked down the hallway far enough to be out of sight, but then she stopped again and tapped her horn. Perhaps there was something about holding Celestia’s form for too long that interfered with her ability to absorb emotion. This had not happened to her before, and a feeling of dread began to build within her.
“I am not losing my touch. I am not,” she muttered, but she found her legs had moved up to a trot without her knowing it. “There’s got to be a reason for this. I bet if I asked Thorax, he wouldn't be able to find that Bean’s emotions either. I bet somebug put a load of darkstone down nearby, and it’s interfering with my own magic. That must be it. Thorax!”
“My Queen?” Thorax instantly replied, and Chrysalis let out a shriek.
“Thorax, you do that again and I will personally turn you loose in the middle of Canterlot,” she snarled. “Go gather up a few drones and do an inventory of the unprocessed darkstone. I want every last pebble accounted for, do you understand?”
“Of course,” Thorax said with a small gulp. “I’ll get right on it.”
“Good. Get out of here.”
Thorax scampered away, and Chrysalis let out a snort. This turn of events was highly frustrating, but at least her primary goal was still being accomplished. With or without Bean’s love, Chrysalis knew she was going to win. All she had to do was stay the course, and continue to convince the Prince that she was his Princess.
Chrysalis smiled and chuckled. Everything was still going to be perfect.