I held out a foreleg and poked the sole of my hoof with the tip of my new horn. Yep, it was sharp alright. Wait – did I just permanently lose the body I was just getting used to? I looked at Twilight to ask her a question but she was preoccupied with talking to herself and trying to read several scrolls and books at the same time. I’d have to get through her wall of paper and ink before I could get her attention. I started to walk on my hind legs towards her, only to realize that I was still holding her repurposed pasta strainer. I leaned back to the console it belonged on, lifting one leg in the air to keep my balance. Smoothly, I set the thing down and returned to standing upright. That’s when it hit me.
“Whoa.”
Twilight spared me a glance. “It’s alright, Mark! I’m sure I can fix this if I can just figure out what I did wrong.”
“It’s not that. Did you just see what I did? My balance is as good as when I was a human.”
Curious, I tried standing on one leg and doing a quick spin. I did three flawless revolutions before I chose to stop of my own accord. During the spins, I saw that I had a multi-colored pastel mane and tail trailing behind me. “Scratch that. I have even better balance and coordination than I’ve ever had, even as a human.” I looked up at her again. “Wait. Do I look like Celestia now? YEOWCH!”
Turning around, I saw another hypodermic needle float away towards the microscope, followed closely by a trotting purple unicorn. She said, “Superficially, yes. You sound and look like her, except for your cutie mark.”
I glanced back and saw she was right. My cutie mark was unchanged, although now it was on an alabaster white flank. I rubbed the spot she had taken the second sample from and glared at her. I wanted to berate her again but was afraid it would sound like I preferred the terrifying distraction more than the unexpected jab.
The mare put a few drops of my blood in a new pipette and stared at it through the microscope eyepieces for less than a minute. She then walked towards me, levitating her lab coat back to the microscope. “Your cells are exactly the same, so you are definitely not a real alicorn. You should still be opaque to unicorn and earth pony magic.” She waved my head down to her level. When I complied, she crossed her horn with mine. Her horn glowed. “Do you feel that?”
No, not really. “Ummm. What am I supposed to be feeling?”
She broke the connection and the lavender aura around her horn ceased. “That’s a definitive ‘no,’ then.” She looked me over, then sat down as she lifted her goggles onto her forehead. “Ok, Mark, think back. Do you remember anything unusual happening to you today?”
Apparently, Celestia’s deadpan stare was even easier to read than mine.
“I mean, strange for Ponyville.”
“I had the impression that what just happened to me is commonly known as ‘every other Tuesday.’ “
The mare opened her mouth then closed it, settling for frowning at me. Hey, I’d like to be helpful but she’d have to be more specific.
“OK, hold still while I check something.”
Because she didn’t lower her goggles, I decided to comply. Twilight built up the same glowing rune circle as before. I sat down cross-legged and pulled my knees in to make it easier for her to scan me. Just as she was about to finish the circle, it flared and disappeared.
“Celestia doesn’t sit like that!”
“So?”
She fumed. “It’s distracting!”
“So is looking like an alicorn mare. Get on with it!”
With one last glare, Twilight turned around and started to build the circle again.
I smirked. I shouldn’t. I really, really shouldn’t. I uncoiled and licked Twilight’s ear.
“GAAAAH!” she shrieked and threw up a hoof to rub the spit out of her madly twitching ear. The runes collapsed in on themselves again and flickered out. After hopping about on three legs for a few moments, Twilight recovered enough to scowl at me. “Stop that! It’s not funny!”
“I beg to differ – you’re hilarious when you’re flustered. Besides…” I put on my most matronly voice. “…you wouldn’t dare do anything mean to your sweet, beloved teacher.” I batted my eyes with the most loving look I could muster.
She growled and lit her horn for a moment but then let it go out. Holy horseshoes and hand grenades, that actually worked!
“Besides, I’m starving. I haven’t had anything to eat since I snacked on that flower on the way back from Zecora’s. And that one gave me indigestion.”
Twilight’s mood changed to one of surprise. “Were you still in the Everfree? Was it a bright blue flower?”
“Yes and yes. Does it matter? I mean, it tasted good but—”
She waved a forehoof to silence me and her horn lit again. Crap—spoke too soon. I cringed. This time a wide beam of magic emanated from her horn and washed over me. When done, she nodded. “Yep. That’s it. Poison joke.”
I frowned. “I don’t get it.”
“The flower you ate. It’s called ‘poison joke.’ It has a different effect on every pony. At least for the Elements, it was something that was the exact opposite of their defining characteristics. Pinkie Pie couldn’t talk, I couldn’t cast magic, Rarity’s coat became long and tangled, Applejack became pint-sized with the equivalent strength, Fluttershy got a deep voice, and Rainbow Dash lost the ability to steer.”
I smirked. “Sounds hilarious.”
She furrowed her brow. “For Spike, it sure was. It wasn’t for all of us, though. Thus the two parts of the flower’s name.” She looked me up and down. “Now in your case… ummm…”
“I went from my origins with zero magic to the being with the most magic?”
Twilight brightened. “Yes! I bet that’s it. Why didn’t I think of that?”
“Maybe you’re a bit emotionally attached to the form I’m in right now,” I suggested.
The purple mare’s smile fell and she averted her eyes. She started to clop her hooves together nervously.
“What is it, Twilight?”
She lowered her hooves and stared at the floor, mumbling something.
I pricked my ears forwards and walked closer. “I’m sorry, what was that?”
She raised her head slightly but couldn’t look me in the eyes. The unicorn stopped herself and shook her head. “It’s stupid. Just forget it.” She started rocking from side to side.
I had a pretty good idea now what it was. I pulled Twilight into a hug and she didn’t resist. She leaned into me and started sniffling. I wrapped my neck around her, letting my mane cover her face. After a little while, my neck started to feel wet. She pulled back and looked at me with bloodshot eyes, but a smile. “T-Thanks, Mark.”
I was very glad to help. “Is there anything you would like to hear ‘Celestia’ say?’
Twilight wiped her tears away with a forehoof. “W-w-well…she would call me her faithful student.”
I beamed down at her proudly (as I imagine the real Celestia had done). “Oh, Twilight, my brave and faithful student.”
She gasped, said “OooOooOooh…”, then threw her forelegs around my neck and started bawling her eyes out. After a few minutes, Twilight calmed down enough to say, “I miss you…I miss you so much…”
I continued patting her on the back, gently stroking her mane while she cried. “B-b-but the worst part… is when I don’t think about you for hours at a time… then days at a time.” She gulped down her tears. “I don’t want to get used to you not being here but I don’t have a choice. It’s like part of me is trying to forget you and how much you mean to me.” She hugged me tighter. I knew there was nothing I could say right now to help her with her grief, so I just kept holding her.
Several minutes later, Twilight pulled back and I saw a lab rag hover over towards us. She grabbed it in her hooves and blew her nose a few times. After another long pause, she was able to smile at me once again. “Thank you again, Mark. I didn’t mean to burden you with that.”
I waved a hoof dismissively. “Twilight, both of my parents passed away suddenly. If I have any idea how you feel, then you have nothing whatsoever to apologize for.”
She gave me another hug—this time I knew it was for me.
Twilight took several deep breaths and walked back over towards the microscope, picking up her lab coat with her magic and putting it on again. She looked back at me over her shoulder. “Actually, you’re taking this fairly well, Mark. It’s not every day that a stallion gets turned into a mare and… what looks like an alicorn, at least.”
I waved a hoof. “Compared to almost dying yesterday, this is really more of an inconvenience. And obviously, there is a cure for the condition. Besides, you already told me that my cells were the same, so the difference is just cosmetic, right?”
I got a flat stare in return.
“Rrrriiiiiight?”
The purple unicorn tilted her head slightly and shifted a bit on her hooves. “Well… it would be more accurate to say that your cells process energy the same way, even if you are technically a mare now.”
I blinked and went and checked. My wings spread open in alarm. “Oh… OK, so maybe a little bit of a bigger deal than I originally thought.”
Twilight snorted and covered her mouth. She closed her eyes and made a little squee-ing noise. She put another forehoof on her mouth and her shoulders began shaking.
I rolled my eyes. “OK, Twilight – out with it.”
Her hooves pulled away from her smiling lips. “Not anymore!” She then started rolling on the ground, her hooves flailing in the air as she howled with laughter.
I sat down and folded my forelegs. When she had gotten her cleverness mostly out of her system, I admonished her. “Twilight Sparkle. I cannot imagine you saying or even thinking such a thing. That ‘Mark Wells’ character is apparently a terrible influence on you.”
She rolled over onto her hooves again and got up. “Oh, stop. I do have an older brother you know. And you don’t want to know what the mares talk about when it’s just us.” She looked at me appraisingly. “Or maybe now you do.”
I shook my head. “I prefer to think of mares as pure and innocent as a blanket of freshly-fallen snow, thank you.”
Twilight smirked. “You do realize that snow cannot nucleate except around an airborne impurity, don’t you?”
“And another shimmering light of my innocence is forever stamped out by a cruel and heartless mare.”
It was her turn to roll her eyes. “I’m afraid I can’t take responsibility for your refusal to deal with reality.”
“Between the poison joke and…” Probably not safe to say her name aloud. “…a certain pink mare, my definition of reality has taken a beating lately.”
“Heh. A point. You have my sympathies.” She sat down and sighed. “Well, I think we’re done here. Now it’s a matter of the best way to break the news to the girls.”
I grinned. “Best way, or most entertaining way?”
She looked at me sideways. “Are you proposing we prank my friends?”
“Well, duh! When will you have this opportunity again?”
Twilight started dancing on her hooves. “Oh, yes! This is going to be great!” She moved closer and we started trading ideas in whispers—
Twilight ascended the stairs in front of me. She slammed the door open and I watched her walk into the main floor of the library in a dazed manner. All conversation stopped upstairs.
I heard her voice filter down to me. “I did it… The portal… I finally did it.” That was my cue.
I put on my most regal bearing (thanks for the unintentional lessons, Trixie) and clopped deliberately up the stairs.
The questions aimed at Twilight stopped as first my head, then most of my body exited the doorway. My right flank was pressed up against the side of the stairwell to make it invisible, and I held my tail to the side to cover my left flank. I glared down at the ponies in front of me. All of them except Pinkie took Twilight’s cue and bowed down deeply. For her part, Pinkie looked confused and her left ear and back right leg seemed to be experiencing tremors. Spike was absent, perhaps out running errands.
I drew in a breath and settled on a tone that would brook no argument. “Greetings, My Little Ponies. I am, on the whole, pleased to be back among you. Twilight has informed me of what has transpired in the absence of myself and my sister. As your rightful princess, I believe now is the time to make a few changes to set things right.”
There were some generally positive murmurs from those assembled, except for the party mare who stopped shaking random body parts and narrowed her eyes suspiciously. I’d better hurry up.
“Dame Pinkamena Diane Pie. All parties will henceforth be known as ‘pinkies.’ And I would like to request the biggest and pinkest Pinkie Pie pinkie that has ever been seen by anypony to celebrate our return.” Her eyes went wide and I leaned forward, matching her previous narrow-eyed glare. “Are you pink enough for the job, Pinkie?”
The party mare stood at attention and snapped off a salute. “Private Pinkie-class Pinkie Pie Publicizing Perfect Production of Prodigious and Profligate Pinkies, Princess!”
I nodded. “I am proud of you.” Twilight was having trouble keeping her composure. She hid her muzzle a bit more by curling her head even further between her front legs which were prostrate on the floor.
I turned to Applejack. “Dame Applejack Apple. Long have we endured without proper sustenance. Our time away from fair Equestria has only heightened our appreciation of the fine produce your family is known for. From this day forward, you will be known by the title ‘Duchess of Heavenly Fruit.’ ”
“Why, thank ya kindly, Princess!” The orange mare lifted her head with a warm smile.
I then muttered under my breath just loud enough for everyone to hear. “Too bad they don’t taste as good as pears.”
The farm pony’s mouth hung open and her pupils shrank to pinpricks. Twilight saw this, closed her eyes, and her whole body began to vibrate.
“Rarity. You are now the Official Seamstress for the Solar Throne. Congratulations.”
Somehow, the purple-coifed unicorn bowed even deeper. Boy, was she flexible! “My deepest thanks, Your Highness.”
I frowned. “As you can see, my vestments were lost between worlds. Rather than replicating my centuries-old designs, I charge you with creating something new and appealing for the Royal Gear.”
Rarity gasped and started to fan herself. Fluttershy pushed up a divan that I was sure was not there just a few seconds before. The yellow pegasus’ timing was outstanding as the Element of Generosity swooned majestically into its embrace. “Oh, thank you, Your Highness! I will, of course, work tirelessly to surpass your expectations.”
“Thank you. Keep in mind that my expectations will involve lace and silk.”
“…Oh?”
I nodded. “Indeed. I’m tired of being the ‘Ice Princess.’ Something with more sex appeal is required to break me out of my self-imposed rut with stallions.”
“Ah! So you are talking about...”
“Lingerie.” I waved a forehoof once dismissively and forcefully. “Don’t worry about the nobles. Once they see their Princess emphasizing her best aspects, they will follow suit. Fashion will bend to the Royal Will.”
“….ummmm…” Rarity raised a hoof to perhaps make a point, but I had moved on. I looked directly at Fluttershy.
“Gentle Fluttershy – Element of Kindness and friend to all animals. Would you do me the favor of teaching a new song to the birds in the Royal Gardens?”
The yellow mare’s eyes sparkled and she smiled. “Oh, yes! Absolutely, Your Highness. Of course, I can only ask for their help, I can’t force them to do so.”
I nodded. “As is proper. I would not have it any other way.” She beamed. “And while you’re at it, have that Angel of yours fixed.” Her smile fell. “If there is one thing that could make that devil bunny stop being such a terror to all around him, it is worth a try.”
I turned to the blue Pegasus who was still prostrate before me. “And lastly, but certainly not least, Rainbow Dash. I call on you to stand proudly before your Princess.” She sprang to do so like a coiled spring. “Element of Loyalty. Fastest of all Pegasi.” I pointed a hoof at her. “You’re awesome. Don’t ever change.”
That got the biggest smile I’d ever seen out of Rainbow Dash. “No, Princess. You’re awesome!”
Applejack had recovered somewhat and now her head swiveled back and forth between us as we traded compliments.
“No, Rainbow. You are the awesome one here.”
“Thanks, Princess – or can I call you Celestia? But you are truly awesome.”
I shook my head. “But your awesomeness is supersonic.”
“And yours is out-of-this-world.”
“True. Perhaps we’ll just have to make do with being awesome together.”
“That works for me! Hey, guys? How great is it that Celestia is back and more awesome than ever?”
That did it. Twilight fell over on her back and shrieked in laughter, kicking her hooves in the air as she had before. Everypony else looked at her for a few moments before their eyes settled back on me. I smirked in a way that I doubt Celestia ever had and strode the rest of the way into the room, letting my tail uncover my left flank.
Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Applejack all pointed at my flanks and yelled, “Ahhhhhhh!”
This just made Twilight’s guffaws get louder.
Applejack marched up to me. “Ya done hoodwinked us!”
Fluttershy took some deep, calming breaths. “Oh, thank goodness.”
Rarity sputtered as she got close. “Mark! The nerve! That was not very—“
“Ladylike?” I suggested with a smile.
“…Polite!” finished the fashionista.
Pinkie deflated a bit. “So… no party?”
I turned to her. “Of course there should be a party! We’ll just have to call it a ‘party’ instead of a ‘pinkie’. ”
I then found myself staring down the barrel of a cannon which went off before I had a chance to move. I spit out some confetti as I absorbed a very pink hug.
Rainbow Dash looked around her friends and shrugged. “I don’t get it. So Celestia got Mark’s cutie mark. Big deal.”
Applejack rounded on her friend. “That’s there is Mark pretending…” She stopped and looked me up and down. “…really, really well to be Celestia. If’n you’d been paying attention ta what she said to us all, you’d a noticed that somethin’ was off about her.”
“Pfffft!” The pegasus gave the farm mare a very skeptical look. “Of course that’s the real Celestia. You’re just jealous because you’re not as awesome as the two of us.”
That got a new wave of laughter from Twilight, who was pounding the floor.
Applejack towered over her purple friend. “This was your idea?”
She got a smile and nonstop giggling in return.
The orange pony glared over her shoulder. “Both of y’all?”
I tried to look innocent but failed utterly.
After one last scowl, the Element of Honesty sat on her rump. “Horseapples. Ah hate when Ah get taken for a ride like that.”
I smiled apologetically to the stubborn blue pegasus. “Sorry, Rainbow. Poison joke did this to me. I’m afraid your Princess is still missing.”
She frowned with her forelegs crossed. After a few seconds, she said, “I don’t want to admit it, but I don’t have much choice, do I?”
“Don’t worry, Dash. You’ll always be awesome to me.”
That got her frown to go away for a second before it returned. “But there still needs to be payback. You made a fool out of me.”
Rarity spoke up. “Actually, I think you did that to yourself, darling. You can’t blame poor Mark for your stubbornness.”
“Sure I can.” She lifted off the ground and hovered just an inch before my nose. “I think you owe us now.”
I shrugged. That sounded harmless enough on the face of it. Might even be fun.
“Well, what did you mares have in mind? What’s something you always wanted Celestia to say or do but never had the guts to ask?”
I got several wide-eyed stares followed by thoughtful looks.
I felt a light poking on my side… almost like a butterfly trying to land but then thinking better of it.
“Umm… excuse me… Mark? I actually… I mean if you wouldn’t mind… would you please give a hug to all of the animals who stay with me? That would mean so much, really.”
My eyelid may have twitched once at the thought of a certain bunny rabbit, but I couldn’t refuse. “Of course, Miss Fluttershy, but I don’t know how I can get to your house without causing pandemonium in the streets.”
“Not a problem.” We turned to see Twilight walking up. She placed a forehoof on each of us. “Ready?”
Fluttershy and I looked at each other, smiled, and nodded.
In the end, even the spiders wanted hugs, and I didn’t skimp. Every creature great and small got the full nuzzle with wings wrapped around them, too. Harry Bear was the only one I had to stand to hug, but I came out of his bone-crushing grip only a bit short of breath so I counted that as a win. The other animals then insisted it was Fluttershy’s turn for an alicorn hug and Harry made sure she didn’t escape my cuddles. As expected, Angel Bunny wanted nothing to do with me and only relented when Fluttershy declared that it would make her sooooooo happy. Defeated, he marched into my embrace. He was a perfectly-behaved soft fluff of fur for the duration of the hug, only to kick me in the knee as soon as I raised my wings and let my guard down.
Twilight then teleported us back to the library. From the smirks of the remaining Elements in front of me, I knew they had all made up their minds what ‘favor’ they would ask. I held up a hoof to stop them before they started. “Girls, I’m sorry, but I need a break. Your Princess is absolutely famished.” They all took a step to the side to show me possibly the most wonderful sight I had ever seen – not one but two cakes on a collapsible table.
Pinkie stood up and put on a dramatic pose, holding one foreleg low and another high. “Ta-da! Since Applejack told me everything is being paid for by the Great and Just-Bill-Me Trixie, I thought to bring over a little something I whipped up this morning!”
I practically stumbled over to the table, doubtless leaving a trail of drool behind me. My royal nose told me on the left was a simple carrot cake with buttercream frosting. The one on the right, however, was more complex. Its plain, dark chocolate fondant exterior hid untold treasures within. Pinkie pulled out a very generous slice and set it on a plate in front of me, revealing all six colors of the rainbow swirled in a marbling pattern. I could practically taste the kaleidoscope of flavors: strawberry, orange, banana, lime, elderberries, and plums.
“I used up all the blueberry extract and pie filling yesterday,” apologized Pinkie. I barely heard her.
“But what are all you girls going to eat?” I asked as the mares gathered around the table. They all got a good laugh, except for Twilight, who lowered her goggles over her eyes.
I tasted carrots for a couple of seconds, followed by a rapid-fire wash of different sweet fruits for a couple seconds more. Then I lifted my head and burped with a sigh.
Looking around, I perceived a few things at the same time. Frosting and bits of cake were splattered everywhere. There were six pony-shaped clean sections on the books and bookshelves all around me. I was ringed by looks of horror except for Twilight, who raised her now-stained goggles and smiled.
“I’ve seen that look before. That was when Celestia got banned from the baker’s kitchen.”
I looked hopefully at all the frosting and cake bits that I had missed, only to have them all disappear in a wave of magic from the purple unicorn. Rather than looking relieved, the girls kept staring at me open-mouthed. I shrugged my shoulders. “I told you I was hungry.”
Applejack seemed to recover from her shock first. “Ya gonna be okay now for a while, Mark?”
I patted my stomach then made it look like I was really mulling over her question. I looked up. “No promises.”
The farm mare rolled her eyes and hoofed over a sheet of paper. I looked over the sets of four lines. “Sing these lyrics?”
She nodded with a smile.
“And amp up the country accent?”
“You betcha!” She turned to face Twilight. “Do ya know where I hang my banjo in up in the living room?”
“Yep!” The unicorn disappeared with a flash and a bang.
I headed to the far side of the library, grabbing the distracted Applejack’s Stetson on the way.
“Hey!” she protested.
“Method acting!” I called back, setting the hat on my head. When I did turn back around, I saw Twilight teleport in said banjo and float it over to Applejack and immediately pop out again. The farm mare checked her instrument’s tune as Twilight reappeared with a camera and what I guessed was an audio-recording device. The unicorn set up both as Applejack started plucking out a refrain. Twilight gave me a nod. I had no trouble picking out when to start singing.
“We travel the road of generations.
Joined by a common bond.
We sing our song 'cross the pony nation,
From Equestria and beyond.”
Applejack joined me for the first chorus, then the rest of the mares did the same each time it was repeated.
To my surprise, Pinkie jumped in at the end to do a stanza that wasn’t on my sheet, then we all belted out the last chorus together with an ending flourish from Applejack’s banjo.
When the song was over, everypony cheered Applejack. She returned the favor. “Thank ya kindly, everypony. Ever since I was a wee foal, Ah’ve wanted to hear Celestia sing the Apple Family Song.”
I walked up and held out her hat. “That was a load of fun. I thought you were going to ask me to try to drink you under the table on apple cider or something.”
She smiled and put the Stetson back where it belonged. “Naw. Don’t get ahead of yourself, Mark. I reckon we’ve got us a bit o’ time before we git to that.”
My grin slipped a bit, but Pinkie cured that for me. A pink foreleg moved in a blur in front of my vision. “Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!”
I laughed. “I guess I’ll pick Pinkie next.”
“YAY! I know just what I want Celestia to do.” Turning around once, she then faced me again, this time with one large ring and three smaller ones.
“Hula hoops?” I asked.
“Nope!” Pinkie beamed. “Loop-de-hoops! Show us what you can do, hot stuff!”
I took the proffered rings and walked on two legs back to the other side of the library. Twilight finished adjusting her camera and smiled at me. I tried to remember the last time I had used these and couldn’t. Oh, wait, yes I did. I tried to impress some girl in elementary school with my skills and the results were exactly what anyone would expect from a person with my level of coordination.
Holding the three smaller rings in one hoof, I placed the large ring around my waist and started to rotate my hips, keeping my wings tight to my barrel. Automatically, I sped up slightly when I could tell the hoop was getting too low. After just a short while, I found the sweet spot and was able to keep it there, even rotating my body in a circle to the whoops and hollers of a certain party mare. Holding my forelegs up high, I started a simple shower pattern with the three remaining rings, switching to a cascade, columns, and finally Mills Mess as my hips continued to work on their own. That was the extent of the tricks I knew from Phil trying to teach me in college. I was fairly certain this body could do more complicated patterns, but I didn’t have any muscle memory for them even if I had seen them done on occasion. Now, what else could I do with the smaller rings?
Inspiration struck. I called out, “Scrunchie!” and received a yellow band of some elastic material from Pinkie. I put the three smaller rings around a forearm while using my hooves to gather up my mane to rest more-or-less high up on my head.
I placed a smaller hoop at the base of my long neck and tried to synchronize my neck movements with those of my waist. After a few false starts, my body figured it out and I heard the appreciative calls of the mares present. For my final trick, I spun the two remaining rings around my forelegs. I heard hoof stomps and I know I was grinning like a loon. I had never had this kind of dexterity before and I was sure enjoying it.
“Think fast!” I heard Pinkie cry out. I saw another small ring arcing towards me and it landed squarely around my horn and started to spin to the base.
“Ack!” I called out but tried to keep the new intruder from rising too high or falling too low. At one point, the ring spun right at the tip of my horn and I thought I had lost it, only for the hoop to fall back to a workable height. For a few glorious seconds, I was in total control of every ring and my body twisted and turned in a perfectly coordinated dance.
Then I let the ring around my horn fall, slapped the two on my arms over my horn to follow the first, and bounced the large hoop over my barrel then shoulders. I finished with a huge smile and with every hoop resting around my neck.
All the mares yelled their approval and Pinkie was doing cartwheels across the room by bouncing off her rump and head alternately. At some point, Spike had snuck in and was giving me much more traditional applause with his hands and claws.
I bowed, sliding the rings off of my neck and head smoothly and returned to all fours… well, threes as I held them out to Pinkie. As the party pony took them, I turned to the purple unicorn. “Twilight? I’ve never had that kind of coordination before. Does Celestia really have this level of physical agility?”
She tapped her chin in thought. “Not that I’m aware of. I think this is more a case of poison joke making you the opposite of your normal, clumsy self.”
Huh. I spread my wings. “I wonder if that extends to flying, too?”
Rainbow Dash spoke up and drew close, flashing her trademark grin. “Just in case you’re wrong, let’s try that later. I still have my orders to give you.”
I frowned. “You mean your polite request or I’ll turn it down on principle.”
She backed up a step but her smile remained unchanged. “Yeah, yeah, pretty-please request, whatever.”
About as good as I was going to get, I suppose. I sat down. “So what do you have in mind?”
Having Applejack (right shoulder), Rarity (left shoulder), and Pinkie Pie (straddling both) climb my back and then stand on me was not that stressful. Keeping my balance on my hind legs was hard but doable. Holding a rear leg of Applejack and Rarity helped stabilize the mare-tower, despite the wobbling and shaking. Even when Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash alighted on us to make the third layer, that wasn’t the worst thing.
“Twilight!” intoned the five elements above me. I was too busy concentrating on my job as the basement of the structure to say anything.
The mare in question looked down into her camera’s eyepiece for at least the twentieth time. “Just one more second! The framing still isn’t right!”
“TWILIGHT!” I heard again. I could see that my muzzle was starting to turn a shade of pink from the exertion.
“Applejack, are you reaching out as far as you can? I don’t want to have it be outside the field of view.”
“TWILIGHT!”
“Fine, fine. I’ll just waste some of the negative and crop it later. Sheesh!” She turned to her draconic brother. “Snap the shutter as soon as I appear on top.” With that, she disappeared and I definitely felt the extra weight. I also heard gasps from above me as the rest of the girls did too.
After a few moments swaying, we kind-of, sort-of, got stable again.
“Now, Spike!” I heard Twilight call out.
“Are you sure? Don’t you want me to—”
“SPIKE!”
Ow. That hurt my ears. And now one of my knees was shaking uncontrollably. “Better….hurry…” I choked out.
“Ok, Ok, fine. How does this shutter release work again? Oh yeah, I remember. Smile everypony! …and……. now.”
My body didn’t wait to see if he was ‘just kidding’ or not. I collapsed followed by a thundershower of Elements of Harmony burying everything but my nose. Groans came from all around, including me.
“And there’s a second shot, just to preserve this majestic moment. Thanks for your cooperation, everypony.”
All I could do was make weak threats, but it would be better than nothing. “Spike? If I’m ever able to move again, I’m going to eat...” I addressed nopony in particular. “What does Spike collect?”
“Power Ponies Comics,” said two or three mares from the heap above me.
“…eat your entire Power Ponies collection… without salt.”
As the rest of the mares rolled off of me, I tried to get up, but my back started to spasm, bringing that to a quick halt. I heard the movement of wings and then I felt four hooves start pressing and pulling alternately on my back. It hurt for a little while, but soon my spasms ceased. I looked behind me to see Fluttershy continue to work my back muscles expertly.
She smiled. “Harry Bear has the worst time with his back after he wakes up from hibernation. Is this helping?”
I nodded. “Don’t you ever stop, Fluttershy. You’re a life-saver.” I spread my wings to their fullest and did my best impression of a limp noodle.
After a couple of minutes, Twilight limped up with a print of our formation. Gritting my teeth, I put in the effort to rotate my head straight so I could see it from the correct perspective. I whistled despite myself. We looked just like an act from the old circus shows back home. Four layers of mares standing upright with just me on the bottom. Legs and arms and wings stretched outwards wherever possible. Everypony except me had a reasonably convincing smile on their faces. Rainbow Dash snatched the photo away and studied it.
I looked up at her darkly. “We are not doing that stunt again, just to see if I can smile the next time.”
She looked down at me. “But it would be that extra little-bit awesome if you could just—”
“Unless you want to be on the bottom layer.”
“Nah, this is good. I’m happy.” With that, she flapped over to Applejack to show off the photo.
Rarity was back on her couch, fanning her face as she composed herself. After I caught her eye, I tried to put on my most piteous face. “Please tell me you don’t want me to do anything strenuous. Pretty please.”
“Not at all, Darling. Just some standing around.”
I waited for her to continue.
“There are some fashions I would love to try on a living alicorn model. It’s just that… it would be improper for me to ask the real Celestia.”
To my horror, I picked up on her hidden meaning right away. The wait until getting this over with was going to be just as bad as the act itself. “You want me to model lingerie. That was only supposed to be a joke!”
When I didn’t get any response contradicting my hunch, I covered my eyes with my forehooves. “…and that’s why you saved the most humiliating for last. Just wonderful.”
“Darling, don’t think of it that way. Making a mare feel desirable is the epitome of all fashion. Undergarments are just the purified essence of doing the most with the least.”
“…which you all will doubtless use to tease and torment me for the rest of my days.”
Applejack approached on my right. “Gosh-sakes, no, Mark. We all appreciate that yer helpin’ us out when ya don’t really hafta.” I lowered my hooves and looked up at her.
Rainbow Dash snorted. “Speak for yourself, Applejack. I plan to think back on today as the funniest in ages!”
Applejack growled. “An’ Ah’ll personally feed you yer left front hoof if ya go shamin’ Mark about any a this. Got that, pardner?”
The blue pegasus waved a hoof. “Yeah, yeah. Fine.” At the farm pony’s continued glare, she added, “Alright! I mean it!”
I turned to Rarity. “And you’ll want to photograph the heck out of this, right?”
The fashionista nodded proudly.
Twilight smiled. “I’m also going to set up one of the speak-and-see crystals to record the entire fashion show.”
I sighed. “I’m probably going to regret this, but I don’t see anything wrong with your request. Deeply, personally troubling but not wrong.”
“Thank you, dear.”
I wasn’t done. “Two conditions. One: No Spike.”
“Awww!”
“You don’t deserve it. Two: Trixie never, ever, ever finds out about this.”
That was met with nods all around. Pinkie spoke up. “Do you want us to Pinkie Promise?”
I shook my head. “No, I trust all of you, including Spike. All of you are good for your word.” That earned a smile from the mares, especially Applejack. It also seemed to perk up the small dragon a bit.
I looked back at my masseuse. “Thank you, Fluttershy. I think I’ll try to get up again now.” She smiled and hovered next to me, ready to assist. There were a couple of twinges, but no pain when I stood. I twisted my back around experimentally for a bit then smiled. “Your magic hooves did the trick! Thank you again.”
“I’m happy to help. Let me know if you need another session.”
“I will.” I turned to see the rest of the mares grinning at me, all of them lined up at the front door. Twilight carried her camera in her magic and floated a gray, hooded cloak over me. My furled wings and flanks were completely covered and my face was partially obscured. She then turned to her little brother. “Spike, you’re in charge of the library.”
He grumbled. “Fine. I want to see photos, though.”
“When you’re older…maybe,” replied Twilight in a practiced tone. “Let’s go, girls!”
Rarity led the way as we cantered along the streets of Ponyville. The remaining Elements chatted away behind me as I dutifully headed off to my silk and lace-trimmed fate. Belatedly, I noticed that Twilight placed herself behind me this time, perhaps afraid I would go off and bite some more greenery. Come to think of it, I was still very, very hungry. Despite this, I was pretty sure I’d be fine for Rarity’s private fashion show. That thought went out the window as soon as I smelled it. We must have moved just downwind of Sugarcube Corner because I stopped in my tracks and my nose started twitching.
Applejack almost collided with my backside. “Whoa! Ya OK there, Mark?”
I couldn’t speak as the scents of Snickerdoodles, eclairs, rhubarb and strawberry pie, and more varieties of cupcakes than I could count prodded the animal side of my brain. But I was not an animal. I was a living, breathing, thinking… horse. Crap.
In that moment of weakness, I smelled cherry chimichangas. I immediately spread my wings and hurled myself into a half-loop followed by a half barrel roll. I saw a flicker of Twilight’s horn lighting but my cloak ended up covering her face as it blew off of me. I’m sure the girls tried to say something but I was already picking up speed with powerful beats of my wings. I crested one house, angled between two more on the following block, and landed in a dead gallop with my destination in sight. Ponies shrieked and dove out of the way as I took the shortest path to Sugarcube Corner. I flicked an ear when I heard Rainbow Dash approach me from above, but her efforts were in vain… I was in no mood to share. With a flick of my wings and quick application of my flight magic, I bounded upwards and used my superior mass to bounce her away from my path to the door. I vaguely recalled the screams of ponies as I devoured my way through all the items in the display case. By the time the Elements had gotten past the fleeing customers, they were far, far too late. All that remained were perhaps a half-dozen cupcake wrappers littering the floor behind the display counter and my stomach was distended a bit. I sighed pleasantly and wondered why the mares in front of me looked so cross… and where was Rainbow Dash?
Pinkie looked especially serious as she aimed her party canon directly between my eyes. “Sir or Madam. I need you to put all four of your hooves in the air and move yourself off of Mr. Cake.”
I blinked, decided not to think too hard about the first part, and looked down. Sure enough. A quivering Mr. Cake (nice chap – remembered him fondly from the party) had been repurposed as my seat cushion. I quickly scrambled off of him. A quaking Mrs. Cake moved closer, brandishing a rolling pin for defense, and dragged him into the kitchen and safety.
I blinked and tried to collect my thoughts. It all seemed like it had happened to another pony and I was just a spectator. “What happened, exactly?”
Just then, Rainbow Dash swooped in, pieces of wood and roof tiles tangled in her mane and tail. She grinned and spread her forehooves wide. “I’ll tell you what happened! You gave me the most awesome body check ever! You’re going on my A-league air hoofball team, mister!”
Twilight glared at the pegasus. “Rainbow! We are not condoning this kind of destruction!”
The blue mare scoffed. “Are you kidding? Did you see that timing? Mark even clipped my wings so I had no choice but to go completely through the wall and the roof too. That was—”
“…totally awesome from your perspective, yes, I’m sure, darling. But now we have to deal with the damage he caused.”
I shrunk down a bit as I looked over what used to be a glass cabinet full of the shop’s wares. Now only empty trays and knocked-over shelves remained. I felt my ears flatten on my head. “I’m sorry.”
I turned to look at the kitchen, where the proprietors were now staring at me, probably scared I would go into another feeding frenzy.
I sighed. “I’m afraid the scent of your wonderful baked goods drove me temporarily insane. I thought I could resist but…”
Pinkie had come up beside me unnoticed and pulled my muzzle down to look me in the eyes. She gave me a sad, searching look. “It was the cherry chimichangas, wasn’t it?”
I closed my eyes in shame. I could only nod my head.
I felt Pinkie hug me, then two more sets of hooves shortly afterwards. I opened my eyes to see Mrs. Cake’s smiling face with her husband on my other side. “It’s alright, dear. Twilight is the same way about cheesy quesadillas.”
I heard an indignant noise from the other side of the counter.
Mr. Cake nodded to a sign on the wall behind him. “It’s why we don’t serve them anymore.” I looked at the sign:
No more quesadillas
You can blame Twilight Sparkle
“That is largely untrue!” protested the purple unicorn. The rest of the girls closed their eyes and left her standing by herself in the middle of the floor. “I’m not crazy! I was just a little high-strung that day, alright?” she protested as she followed the mares out of the shop.
By this point, only myself and the Cakes were left in the shop. I hugged each of the Cakes in turn and said, “Please bill Empress Trixie for all the damages I caused.” I was more than a bit concerned about how many times I had been forced to say those words.
Once again covered in Twilight’s cloak, we made it to the Carousel Boutique with no further property damage. I checked my stomach and it was back to its normal, slim outline. Twilight had followed my eyes and smiled at me. “Your body has already processed all the food you ate. I hope you’re not still hungry?”
I took stock of how I felt and decided I was not famished for a change. “Nope. Good for now.”
I shook off the garment and turned to Rarity. “Before we even get started, just plan to bill Trixie for everything I break or ruin, OK?”
Rarity put a gentle hoof on my shoulder, prompting me to look into her eyes. “Mark, I know that these last couple of days have been a bit of a rough patch, but please don’t beat yourself up like this. Ponyville has been largely destroyed four times in the last couple of years, and we always pull together to help each other and rebuild. Not to make you feel inferior, but I’m afraid your little Reign of Destruction doesn’t even count as an event worthy of the school paper. So promise me that you’ll forgive yourself the way all of us already have?”
I looked around at nothing but friendly smiles. And that was really it, wasn’t it? I had friends here that accepted me, even at my worst.
I turned back to Rarity and gave her a hug. “I think… no, I know I can do that, Rarity.”
She returned the hug. “Thank you, darling. We truly want the best for you.”
I pulled away and smirked. “And that includes the best in intimate, nighttime apparel, doesn’t it?”
The unicorn shuffled her hooves a bit. “If this makes you uncomfortable, Mark…”
I shook my head. “I know how much this opportunity means to you, Rarity. And I’m sure the rest of the audience won’t do or say anything to make me feel self-conscious.” I turned to glare at the other Elements but instead blinked.
Five poolside lounge chairs had been set up, complete with popcorn and fruity drinks with little paper umbrellas in them. Pinkie put on a pair of sunglasses and waved a hoof. “Let’s get this fashion show started!”
The first change the fashionista made was to apply two alabaster fabric patches to my flanks where they stuck like a second skin. They completely covered my cutie marks and then, with a quick spell from Rarity, took on Celestia’s instead. An invisibility spell on the edges made the effect look seamless. When I asked, the unicorn explained that the magic of cutie marks made it nearly impossible to alter them, so they had to be covered to get the desired effect. It was a common technique used in the fashion model profession.
After an hour of sewing, fitting, and alterations later, Rarity gave me some last minute advice before I was to step out of her side room and onto the improvised ‘runway’ with her first outfit. “Mark, we all hope that someday Celestia will return. Think of yourself as modeling for her and the camera to show how stunning she can be. Concentrate on helping her realize what a beautiful mare she is, and your confidence will shine through.”
That was some good advice. Trotting out to the appreciative calls from my audience, I was able to not think of myself at all as I displayed what Rarity called a Saddle Arabian-inspired bit, bridle, and saddle set, complete with sheer fabric that trailed down to my pasterns and veil that wrapped around my muzzle and neck. Small bells tinkled as I moved in a slow circle around the stage. I even batted my eyes at Twilight and her camera before playfully completing my circling of the runway and returning to the side room.
To say Rarity was happy would be a bit of an understatement. She nearly knocked me over with the force of her hug. “Mark! Oh, Mark! That was wonnnnnnnderful! An absolute dream come true! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”
I laughed. I was surprised to be in such a good mood. Surely some of the fashion queen’s joy was rubbing off on me. “Careful, Rarity. You don’t want to crease the fabric.”
She stepped back and scoffed. Her magic stripped me bare in mere seconds as the next ensemble was already being fitted in place. “Hardly finished, darling. Just seeing you move in it let me know what needs to be improved. Frankly, runway fashions are only made well enough to last through the show, but no longer. The final works made for clients are professionally finished and much sturdier.”
I felt first my front legs being lifted in the air to have fishnet stockings rolled on, then my front hooves touched the ground as the same was done to my rear legs. Suddenly everything felt very wrong and I had a knot in the pit of my stomach. I shivered a bit, feeling my nerves coming back in full force. “I need another pep talk, Rarity.”
She stopped what she was doing and got down to look me directly in the eyes. After a few moments, she nodded and her stare bore into me. “You don’t exist. Only fashion exists. Your purpose is to display the clothing with flair. Repeat this to yourself: ‘I am the zest for life that all mares want to have.’ ”
I moved my lips silently, repeating the phrase over and over. Vaguely, I was aware of Rarity slipping something black with straps over my head and cinching it up in several places along my neck and barrel. I stepped into dull, gray metal shoes with spikes on them. Before I truly realized what I was doing, her magic had gently guided me back onto the runway where I pranced forwards with vigor. By then, my mood was set and I didn’t have to repeat the phrase to myself any longer. This time, there were gasps from everypony present. I turned around fully and reared, kicking my front legs and glaring down haughtily at the mares alongside the runway. I saw Applejack jab Twilight in the side. “Stop gaping, ya idjit! Take the gosh-darn photos!”
“Wha? Right! Of course!”
While Twilight scrambled to comply, I moved my angry gaze to the other mares present before lowering myself for one more parade around the stage.
This time, when I got back to Rarity’s side, I didn’t speak or look at her at all. I just stood there and kept perfectly still while waiting for more instructions.
This time, I saw blue silk with highlights sewn in gold thread. Panels of lace were placed strategically along the outfit and soon I felt it being laced along my back, ending below where my wings attached. Rarity wove thin gold chains through my feathers and instructed me to use them to alternately hide then show my body to the audience. Ribbons from two pairs of sandals wove three-quarters of the way up my legs. Rarity’s magic braided my mane and tail which were held in place with golden clasps. She looked me over and nodded. Moving to my ear, she whispered. “You are the most majestic beauty of all who walk in Equestria. You soak up the adoration of others with your gentle grace.”
I felt myself glide on my hooves through the doorway, slowly moving across the floor. I felt completely detached from my emotions as I used my wings to alternately hide myself and tease the audience. Eventually, I raised both wings proudly and turned in place. Slowly, I completed my circuit of the stage and returned to stand before the white unicorn, who was already busy lifting the components of the last ensemble. Belatedly, I realized that I had not noticed the Elements at all during my last trip to the main room.
My mane and tail were unbraided and all traces of the previous fashion removed. A pink corset tightened across my barrel and gold jewelry with large cabochons and faceted gems were floated onto my form. Pink hose covered my legs and this time bejeweled golden horseshoes went over them. A short, nearly sheer train, a horn ring, and a sun-patterned pendant that hung from the tip of my horn completed the look. Rarity took a moment to comb out my mane and tail before guiding me back to the runway. She whispered in my ear: “You are Joy. You bring happiness to all with your beauty.”
I smiled demurely at the mares in the audience. After regally walking around the stage, I lifted my wings higher and began beating them slowly to hover just off the floor. I felt the wind I generated fluff out my mane and tail. I turned my head this way and that, soaking up the applause from the Elements. Gently, I lowered myself to the ground, bowed, and walked proudly off of the stage.
I don’t really remember the curtain call. Twilight showed me a picture of Rarity and I standing on stage together, but I must have zoned out completely. I do remember coming to when the first adhesive fabric patch was peeled off – it was more than a bit painful. I noticed that I was not wearing anything else by that point. As Rarity moved to my other side and her magic took hold of the other patch, she smiled apologetically. The Element of Generosity floated over a shot of what smelled like Griffonian whiskey. She waited until I had downed it. “The pains of being in the fashion industry, darling.” With that, Rarity pulled it off in one quick movement. Ouch.
My energy level crashed just before the fashion mare led me out to meet up with the other mares. I got hugs from all of them and they all expressed their gratitude for helping Rarity.
“So how was your first modeling experience, Mark?” asked Pinkie.
I thought back then turned to look at Rarity. “Did you cast a spell or hypnotize me right after I finished with the first outfit? I felt like an outside observer after that, just playing the roles instead of really being present.”
Rarity smiled and shook her head. “I think you hypnotized yourself, Mark. You put your mind into another state of consciousness. I’ve seen it before with some of the models I’ve employed in Manehatten.”
Twilight spoke next. “Shining Armor talks about that happening pretty frequently with his fellow soldiers.”
I mulled that over. “Huh. Didn’t know I could do that.” I yawned hugely. “Well, I’m beat. I hope the next thing on our agenda isn’t as intense.”
I got the same wry smile from all the mares. Rainbow Dash spoke up. “Oh, you’re gonna love this…”
I groaned in contentment. A pink earth pony mare preened my wings while her blue twin massaged my rear legs.
Aloe (or was it Lotus?) spoke up. “Ze bath with ze poison joke cure eez ready for you, Meester Mark.”
“Nope. Enjoying this too much, thanks. Plus I’m far too relaxed to even try to move right now.”
I felt myself lift off of the massage table and looked up to see a very smug Twilight carrying me away in her magic and towards a huge tub that already held her friends. I frowned. “Spoilsport.”
She laughed, gently placing me in the center of the tub and then letting me go. I held my breath as my body submerged then pushed my way to the surface. Everyone now appeared to be back to their normal size. For confirmation, I held out a green wing before pulling it back in. I went to sit down next to Fluttershy on the underwater shelf that went around the tub. I missed and dunked myself. Coming back to the surface sputtering, I heard Rainbow Dash laugh at me.
“Yeah, cancel that invite to our League team, Mark. Looks like you’re back to your normal klutzy self again.”
Experimentally, I held out my wings. “Can you dry these off for a second, Twilight?”
After feeling a warm tingling sensation trace from the base of my wings to the tips, I tried to perceive how magic flowed in my wings. The feeling of knowing exactly how much magic was present in each and every feather was gone now, replaced by the impression of having one big, undefined lump of flesh. I sighed as I lowered my wings to my sides and then myself back into the water.
Fluttershy leaned forward and asked, “Do you still feel anything that’s the same from your time as Celestia?”
I considered before I realized something. Somehow, my body still felt the same in one aspect.
I smirked. “Well, I’m still hungry for cake.”
This was met with waves of laughter, followed by a different kind of wave as Rainbow started an impromptu water fight.
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