Two Months Earlier
Twilight, Cadence, Celestia and Luna sat across the table from Chrysalis and a retinue of her changelings. The peace summit had been trying, but ultimately the ponies felt they were at least getting somewhere.
“Snack-Princess, can you organise more appetisers?” the Queen asked. “My drones are getting hungry.”
Well, at least Chrysalis was being more cordial than when they had first started the peace summits. They had wrangled the number of assassination attempts down to less than two a week.
“Please?” the changeling queen added, with slight disgust in her voice.
They’d also managed to get her to show at least a little bit of etiquette.
“So,” Celestia said as Cadence infused another plate of bruschetta with love, “There are some terms we cannot budge on. In return for the free and safe collection of excess love within Equestrian borders, your ambassadors—”
“Infiltrators,” Chrysalis corrected.
“—Ambassadors,” Celestia continued, “will ensure that no harm shall befall any equestrian due to the process of love collection.”
“Fine, fine,” the changeling queen scoffed. “We won’t hurt your precious little ponies.”
“Secondly, there will be no more sabotage of internal Equestrian politics, by direct or indirect means,” Celestia added.
“Hey, it was never proven that we leaked any dragonfire mail!” Chrysalis protested, barely concealing her smirk.
“While a changeling, or changeling backed pony may run for any political office, they must fully disclose their political interests.”
“And make their tax records public!” Twilight interjected bitterly.
“Yes, yes,” Celestia continued. “I believe that is already going through parliament, now that Prime Minister Blow-hard has been removed from office.”
“Fine, fine,” Chrysalis huffed. “I’ll stop meddling in Equestrian politics.”
Luna stared hard at the smirking queen across the table.
“Tia, We believe an amendment need be made to thy prior stipulation.”
“Oh? You have something to add, Luna?” Celestia asked, the quill in her aura stopping momentarily.
“The Changeling Queen shalt not meddle with, alter, conspire to, or sabotage Equestrian politics, neither directly, nor through any third party, intermediary, stand-in, or any other proxy.”
“You really like to dot the i’s and cross the t’s, don’t you?” Chrysalis griped, the smirk leaving her face. “Fine, I’ll keep my muzzle, or any muzzle under my command or coercion from your silly little politics.”
“Thou can hardly blame us; thy treachery hath known no bounds. Thou wouldst have done the same as Us, if thou wert in Our position.”
“Pfft,” Chrysalis scoffed. “No I wouldn’t! I would have subjugated the lot of you and suspended you in love sacs!”
Celestia, Luna and Twilight turned to Cadence as she nodded and hummed in ascent.
“What?” Cadence asked, looking shocked. “I mean, I certainly wouldn’t use anything so biologically gross sounding like… ugh, love sacs… but the principle is sound.”
“Cadence, my dear, sweet niece,” Celestia said in a measured tone. “Just what exactly are you saying?”
“Oh, it’s not like I’d act on it, but surely we’ve all thought about how we’d take each other out, if the need arose,” Cadence said. Celestia paled as two nervous coughs came from her sister and former student, and a hearty ‘of course’ from across the table.
“Anyway, it’s fine, I am happy with my own empire for now,” Cadence said. “Let’s get on with this little peace summit thing so we can all go home. Momma needs her royal jewel Shined.”
“Yes, well, that…” Celestia started, before shaking her head. “That sounds fine. I believe we are almost done.”
“Actually,” Chrysalis said, holding up a holed-hoof. “I have a condition.”
“You realised we beat you, right?” Twilight asked.
“Yes, yes—” Chrysalis waved it off. “Friendship, harmony, magic lasers and terrible designs, yes I remember, I was there. But no, I have a condition. You want my signature, you’ll give it to me.”
“We’ll hear you out,” Celestia responded, ignoring Twilight’s grumblings about how she never had to negotiate with Tirek before crippling him.
“If Equestria and the Hive are truly to become allies, then I demand a bridegroom for my daughter.”
Elsewhere
Somewhere, in Manehatten, a record scratched. Vinyl kicked her turntable and kept playing.
Back at the peace summit
“What?” all four alicorns shouted.
“You have a daughter?” Celestia asked.
“Some…ling(?) laid with thee?” Luna asked.
“Oh, I’ve never been able to find out how changeling reproduction worked!” Cadence and Twilight squealed. Twilight looked to Cadence, who replied with a raised eyebrow and a leer.
“Yes, I have a daughter. My husband, and frequently. And it works very well,” Chrysalis replied. “In that order.
“But no, normally changeling breeding does not produce another queen, or, in your particular parlance, a princess. No, my daughter is one of my nymphs, a particularly mischievous one who found her way to the royal jelly.” Chrysalis smiled. “Normally, I’d have such impudence killed, but that was very much how I became a queen, so I’ve turned a bit of a blind eye. But now she grows ambitious, and must leave and make it on her own.”
“Wait, did she say she had a husband?” Twilight asked.
“We find it difficult to believe,” Luna scoffed.
“How hung is he?” Cadance asked. “Wait, do changelings ‘hang’?”
“Of course I am married! I am responsible for creating my entire swarm!” Chrysalis growled. “Relations between a Queen and her consort are a sacred thing! Drone 787345 is a gentleling and a passionate lover! He is irreplaceable to me!”
“Uhhh, your Majesty,” a changeling drone beside her chittered. “787345 was last week’s husband. This week’s is 787346.”
“Wait,” Chrysalis said. “You’re sure? He’s not the one with the… you know, that thing on his—” she made a gesture with her hooves that was nigh unintelligible to her pony counterparts.
“No, your Majesty, that is 787347, next week’s husband.”
“Oh, that’s right.” Chrysalis traced her forked tongue across her sharp teeth. “I’m very much looking forward to him! His father was magnificent!”
“You kill your husbands?” Celestia asked, paling at the thought. “Why not just get a divorce?”
“It’s till death do us part, Celestia!” Chrysalis said, turning her nose up. “Some of us still respect the ancient covenants!”
“Nopony believes in any of those old myths anymore!” Celestia replied, her face flushed with anger most had never seen. “What some eldritch horrors thought about the matters of love between two or more consenting adults has no bearing in our modern age.”
“Oh, yes, of course you’d believe that!” Chrysalis laughed. “Awfully convenient for you, isn’t it?”
“I… I sense there is some history here,” Twilight remarked.
Cadence shrugged.
“Don’t y—”
“Oh, I remember, Celestia,” Chrysalis leered at Celestia. “I remember when your last ‘faithful student’ became your beau. I am old enough to remember when you grew bored with said-same beau, and she became your ‘beloved sister’.”
Twilight didn’t want to believe it, but the blushes adorning the two… sisters’… muzzles was telling.
“Yeah, I’d ship it,” Cadence said.
“You’re a little over 1000 years too late,” Chrysalis cackled, enjoying the utter indignation on the two sisters’ faces.
“Wait, 1000 years—” Twilight started.
“So how long until this one—” Chrysalis pointed a holled hoof at Twilight “—becomes another ‘sister’?”
Twilight paled as her friend, and former mentor, blushed, mumbling something under her breath about Twilight ‘not swinging that way’.
“What a waste of wings,” Chrysalis cackled. “And little Cadence ended up going ga-goo over that hunky, white dolt before you could get your hooves in to her… which I suspect she planned quite literally.”
“Aww, you think Shining is a hunk?” Cadence cooed.
“He… has his merits.” Chrysalis nodded. “If you ever get bored of him, I could marry him for a weekend—”
“Wait,” Cadence said, turning to Celestia. “You wanted your hooves in me?”
Celestia blushed even deeper.
“Wait!” Cadence said… again. “Is that why you spent so long in the Empire during my separation with Shiny? Why didn’t you say something?”
“Fltglty” Celestia muttered under her breath.
“What was that?” Cadence asked.
“What Celestia is trying to say is she was too much of a coward to stick the landing…” Chrysalis laughed.
“I mean, if you’re still interested, Auntie… wait, should I still call you Auntie… I mean, I guess I can still work with that…” Cadence hemmed. “If you are willing to share with Shiny…”
“Sister made it very clear to Us that she ‘doth not swing that way’,” Luna groused.
“Well, your pony perversions aside,” Chrysalis scoffed, “There is still the matter of a bridegroom for my daughter.”
“Yes, that is certainly something we need to take into consideration,” Celestia said, almost too quickly to convince anypony she wasn't desperate to change the subject. “The only prince… I assume it has to be a prince, right?” Chrysalis nodded. “Okay, the only prince in Equestria alive right now is…”
Celestia paused.
“They have to be alive, right?”
“Bad Tia!” Luna shouted, bopping her sister on the back of the head. “Thou knowest the rules, no more necromancy!”
“Well,” Celestia continued, “then the only Prince in Equestria is Prince Blueblood. I am certain he will make—”
“Sister,” Luna interrupted. “The young Blueblood is not in Equestria anymore.”
Celestia paused again.
“And necromancy is definitely off the table?”
“Nay, Sister, that is not what We meant.” Luna shook her head, trying to forget Celestia’s previous attempts at restoring a pony to life. “What We meant was that Blueblood is not in Equestria anymore.”
“Then where is he?” Celestia asked.
“Well, remember when We explained how a shower of comets reshaped the surface of Our moon?” Luna asked, sweating. “We… we may not have been entirely truthful. When we were banished to Our moon, it’s surface, well…”
“Oh,” Twilight said, catching on faster than anypony else. “So that’s why the moon has looked like an asshole in the past few weeks.”
“Right up to His pert starfruit, yes.” Luna nodded.
“Luna!” Celestia gasped. “Why? How could you do something so horrible to our beloved nephew?”
“He said Thy rump had grown since the new chef took over.”
“I never really cared for him,” Celestia said. “Though that does put us in a bit of a predicament right now.”
“We can offer to expedite his sentence in return for his union to the changeling princess.”
“That might just work…” Celestia replied. “Queen Chrysalis, if we can reconvene—”
“Nay, ‘tis not necessary, Sister,” Luna said, as she lit up her horn. “We shalt be right back!”
The Moon
Blueblood looked around. The dreariness of the moon was excruciating. Nothing but hard rocks for miles… approximately seven-thousand miles, if his ‘Aunt’ was to be believed. Not that he had any interest in finding out. He had trotted approximately fifteen feet before his hooves hurt, then deigned to sit down.
And nary a quilted silk cushion in sight.
Such was his fate, that he would spend the next… what did his Aunt say… five months here until he had ‘served his sentence’.
What a ridiculous notion! He had servants to do all the serving. Why Luna couldn’t have sent one of them up here in his stead!
A flash of light interrupted him, and the alicorn that had cursed him to this wretched existence appeared before him.
Blueblood stood to his hooves, staring defiantly at the Princess of the Night. It would perhaps have looked more impressive had his mane not been so disheveled and his coat covered in moon dust.
“Has Auntie Celestia finally ordered you to stop this madness?” Blueblood asked. “Are you to finally return me home?”
“Our Sister hadn’t even noticed Thy absence.”
That took the wind out of Blueblood’s sails.
“Nay, little Prince,” Luna spoke. “We come here with an offer for thee, that thou might have thy crimes pardoned.”
“Anything!” Blueblood screamed as he dropped, kissing Luna’s silver-shod hooves.
“We…” Luna stood back, uncertain how to react. “We are glad thou feel this way.”
“Oh, but it is so boring up here,” Blueblood complained. “Nary an appetiser nor opioid to be found…” Blueblood sobbed. “And no sycophants to share a witty bon mot with!”
“Our negotiations with the Changeling Hive are going at a snail’s pace, but We are closing in on an accord. All we need is a Prince…”
Luna coughed.
Blueblood smirked. Of course they would need his famed negotiative skills to seal the deal.
“…to marry a changeling princess.”
“I’m quite fond of your moon, Auntie,” Blueblood replied. “All these rocks are… very interesting. I would be remiss in not taking this opportunity to explore it more.”
Luna sighed. “And that is thy final answer?”
Blueblood nodded.
“Very well,” Luna said, turning her head around to get her bearings. “Before We leave, We believe we may have left a cushion up here, when we were first banished.”
“Really?” Blueblood asked, excitedly.
“Yes,” Luna replied, pointing a hoof towards the horizon. “We believe it is about two-thousand-eight-hundred-and-fifty-two miles that way.”
In a flash of light she was gone.
“Fu—”
Back at the Summit
“… so if you suspend the love in a mucus secretion first, it is less likely to spoil the food when—”
A burst of light filled the room, interrupting the conversations.
“I’ll tell you the rest in later, Chrysalis,” Cadence said, as she trotted back to the Equestrian side of the table. “So, is little Bluey joining us?”
“Nay,” Luna replied. “It seems Our negotiations have been forestalled. Blueblood was… uncooperative.”
“Then that’s it?” Cadence said. “I mean, I don’t mind sharing Shiny… though I am not sure about him marrying another—”
“Technically,” Celestia muttered, “Blueblood is not Equestria’s last eligible prince…”
“SHE SAID IT!” a cheerfully-pink voice echoed through the open window behind them.
“No!” Twilight shouted, stamping her hooves on the table. “We promised we’d never do that!”
Luna and Chrysalis looked at Celestia and Twilight with confusion. Cadence simply made an ‘oh’ face, which was distinctly different from her ‘O’ face.
“The only other option, then… well, we could always turn you into a stallion, Twilight…” Celestia offered. “A quick transfiguration spell would do the trick.”
“Yeah, then a little snip in the brain here, a cut there, I could even have you interested in mares,” Cadence added.
“You could?” Celestia asked.
“Yes,” Cadence added, before cowering from Twilight’s glare. “Not that I would. Altering an emotional being’s mental state should never be considered.”
“You’re damn right!” Twilight barked indignantly. “It’s completely unethical!”
“Reformation spell,” Celestia muttered.
“Mostly unethical,” Twilight corrected.
“Well, those are our two options,” Celestia said.
Twilight contemplated the repercussions that such a decision would have. On herself, her relationship with him, heck, even the effect such a revelation would have on all of Equestria…
For all of five seconds.
“He’s a big dragon, he’ll learn to deal with it.”
Elsewhere (but a different elsewhere from last time)
A drunken dragon stumbled out of Berry Punch’s establishment, being propped up by his equally drunk but vibrating and jumping friend.
“Pinkie,” Spike hurked. “What was that?”
Pinkie smiled. “One heck of a doozy!”