I felt that old tingling sensation. Or rather, buzzing. Maybe even fuzzy, if I can use that. Heck, it’s my sensation, so I can describe it however I want!
Anyway, it was coming back to me, like indigestion from a taco stand. I know it’s bad for me, horrible even – in fact, it was so mind numbingly awful that I was sure to be left in agony for hours upon end without a roll of toilet paper in sight. But hot damn, did it feel good on the beforehand.
Tirelic was more my homeland than Equestria ever was. Just fit me more like a glove than that oversized boot Equestria was. Though it did stink more… but you get used to the smell after a few centuries.
Taking a whiff of that putrid stench coming from a back alley we just passed, I was knocked right in the stomach with a wave of nostalgia and what felt like my lunch trying to escape my bowels.
Luna seemed to be more focused on her sister than the landscape, although, of course, she was a different pony entirely the last time she was here. The night princess made it a point to keep Celestia distracted by pointing out some of the more appropriate establishments.
It always was like Luna to protect her sister. Usually you’d think it’d be the other way around, what with Celestia being the eldest, but then there’s the factor of the kingdoms they ruled. If you didn’t already know, bad things and the creepy crawlies usually come out at night. Luna, of course, had to deal with these horrors and other abominations of mind-wrenching terror just as she took up the job as Princess of the Night, while Celestia got to sit back and bask in her own sun’s rays. So in the end, I would always hold Luna to have more of a backbone than Celestia if ever the time comes to prove it. Hopefully not on this trip, since showing your backbone in Tirelic often times meant having it removed in some really painful and humorous way – or, at least, humorous to the dismemberer.
Tapping Luna on the shoulder with my tail, I leaned in close and asked, “So, are you going to mention the horrid implication in the room, or should I? Though I guess this drawing out thing you’re doing to your poor, dear sister is also great fun!”
Luna sighed. “She’s going to notice eventually. We might as well let her have her fun. Unless, of course, that’s boring to you, seeing somepony else happy,” she added with a sarcastic tone.
“Oh no, I aim to make others happy. Comes with being a freelance Spirit of Chaos and whatnot.” I smiled wryly, noticing Celestia gazing intently at a storefront window. Specifically, a butcher’s shop. Every brand of meat, both livestock and more exotic breeds, were hung up to show to the passerbies. I was willing to bet that some of that meat hanging by a hook from a ceiling used to be one of the passerbies. And, of course, Celestia turned green from looking at it for just a moment. Like I said, weak stomach. “Though she isn’t having much fun, if you didn’t already notice. Maybe we can liven up her experience of Tirelic a bit, if you know what I’m saying.” To make the point extra crispy clear, I wiggled my eyebrows.
Luna rolled her eyes, but shied away from the meat shop a little, as well. They did have some horse meat on display, after all. Looking around for something less likely to try to kill them while they shopped, her eyes landed on a small alcove of a shop at the corner of what appeared to be a small strip mall. There wasn’t so much of a front door as there was a counter to lean on and an open shop behind it, much like one would find at a food court. The name above the shop was written in a language Luna always had trouble translating, but roughly said ‘Smoothies and Stuff.’ Actually, I think that was a spot on translation. Unoriginality at its finest, folks! She directed her sister’s attention. “There, Tia! Something we can refresh ourselves with!”
Celestia glanced to where Luna was pointing to. Behind the counter stood one of the largest minotaurs either of them, and even myself, have ever seen. He had to be at least a good twelve feet in length, with most if not all his body weight packed into hard as steel muscles. He was about as intimidating as a freight train barreling at you off the tracks with no stop. An everlasting scowl permanently obscured his face, making his eyes and any other expression other than ‘peeved off’ hard to catch. How he even fit in that little alcove of a shop, I’ll never know, but at that moment he was wearing a stained apron while squeezing a lemon into a cup. Using his bare hands, mind you. He turned the fruit practically into dust when he was done with it.
“Uh… Luna, that might not be the best of ideas,” I said to her worryingly, shooting a nervous glance at the hulk of a hybrid beast. “I mean, there’s so many other shops to go to. No need to go to some boring smoothie stand, am I right?”
She didn’t seem to hear a word I said, as she had noticed the alcove’s occupant as soon as I had. I swear, they must have just built the thing around him. Trotting up to the counter, slowly and majestically, she leaned on the wooden plank, and batted her eyes at him. ’Oh Mother of Me, not this again.’
Giving the minotaur a slight wink and smile, she crooned, “Hello, mister. Do you mind helping a couple of lost, lonely, parched mares quench their thirst?”
Why that sly, little… ugh, she was doing this just to irk me! And it was working! I really needed to learn how she managed to do it. Indirect manipulation wasn’t my strongest suit.
“Sure thing,” the minotaur grunted to her. He had to lean his head down just to look at her, with his two enormous horns leaning so much I was surprised he didn’t tip over from their weight alone. Picking up a menu in his meaty paw, he handed it to Luna and Celestia and asked, “What will you ladies be having?”
Celestia glanced at her menu, though her eyes kept on drawing back to the towering mass of muscle and grit that was her server. I wisely stood away from the barely civilized barbarian for reasons most relevant to my health. “I’ll, um, have the…” Celestia looked to her sister, “Lulu, what do you think is the most appropriate drink here to enjoy? I’ve never quite been out on the town before, even in Canterlot, so I am unused to such processes.”
Luna didn’t seem to hear her at first, as she was too busy over-analyzing (blatantly staring at) the minotaur’s muscle structure. “What? Oh! Yes, um… well, smoothies are typically made of fruit or similar products, so… what is your favorite fruit, Celestia?”
Oh damn. No, I couldn’t. Must resist the temptation. That overbearing feeling came over me again. My palms became sweaty. My spine was tingling so much I thought it would leap out of my back. Sweat poured like bullets from my brow at the overwhelming temptation grew more and more, building into tsunami sizes that threatened to drown me in a flood of desire.
I had to crack a joke!
“Bananas!” I shouted, springing upon the pair and laughing my head off. In Equestria, I could literally have done that, but I didn’t want to risk such an amusing stunt in a place like Tirelic. Heads tend to stay beheaded here. In the meantime, I was pointing and chuckle with all my might at Celestia’s reddening face, rolling on the ground as the giggles fits just wouldn’t stop.
Before either Luna or Celestia could reply to my over the top rude mannerism, the minotaur finally noticed me. “Discord?” he asked, voice as grumbly as a mountain.
Ah yes, hindsight. You’ve come knocking at my door yet again.
Quickly springing to my feet, all traces of mirth from my body vanished in an instant. “H-hey there, Chuck! How’s business treating ya? It sure has been a while, hasn’t it?”
The minotaur crossed his arms, bulging biceps so large that they dwarfed any obese fat kid. “One year, in fact. I was wondering where you had run off to.”
“Run off to? Why… nowhere, of course! Nowhere at all!” I was drawing straws now. And they weren’t crazy straws either. They were bendy, and if I didn’t do something soon, Chuck was going to make me resemble one. Grabbing ahold of Luna and Celestia’s shoulders, I held them together in a group hug that also served for excellent meated shields against Chuck. “I was just hanging with Luna, like usual. And hey, we got her sister here too! Giving her a tour of the city and whatnot, so I thought to myself, ‘let’s go to Chuck’s smoothie stand, because he makes the best smoothies in all of Tirelic,’ which is the straight up truth, Chuck! And so now we’re, uh… here.”
Luna looked from me to the minotaur and back, and her eyes widened in recognition. “Oh!” she cried, pulling free of my grip and leaning over the counter once more. “You’re that Chuck? I’ve heard… stories, about you,” she said with a smirk. I swear she’d be drooling right now if she were any less of a—no, no, there’s the drool.
“Yeah,” Chuck replied, lifting up both of his gigantic fists. Giving each of his knuckles a slow and quite painfully loud crack, he continued to glare at me from under his brow. “I have a reputation.”
“A reputation for a fine drinking establishment such as this, of course!” I hastily replied, dragging Celestia away while grabbing ahold of Luna’s foreleg with my tail. “But as you can see, we’re awfully busy and need to run a few errands as well. Sorry we can’t enjoy any of your delicious smoothies, Chuckie ol’ sport, but we’ll be sure to hit you up eventually. Come on, ladies, let us depart!”
Unfortunately for me, neither Celestia nor Luna were conveying the message I was laying down. Celestia wiggled herself out of my paws and returned to her sister’s side. “Luna, what is wrong with Discord’s strange behavior?” Celestia asked, throwing me a curious gaze. “It is unlike him to be so nervous… and twitchy. Along with fearful as well. Has he taken ill?”
Luna looked from Celestia, to me, to Chuck (a little longer than either I or her sister, mind you), back to Celestia, and smiled. “This, Tia,” she said, gesturing between myself and Huge McHandsome, “is the relationship of one who is owed money,” she gestured back to Chuck, “and one who owes.” She flopped a carefree hoof at me, as if to signify how little she cared about my own personal issues.
“Gotta admit, Discord, I was a bit surprised to learn you hightailed it outta town the moment I lent you all that dough,” Chuck said. He was opening and closing his hands, probably already imagining with some type of sick glee at closing them around my neck. Damnit, why did my neck have to be so long and chokable? “Made me a little mad, if you’re catchin’ my drift.”
“I-I was going to pay you back right away, Chuck, I swear!” I replied back, moving with careful intent backwards. Scooting out of a dangerous situation like this was the best option in my book. And the only one that’d leave me with a still working trachea. “But… but… I had to go back! I had no choice! So it isn’t really my fault, right Luna?” I asked her, practically begging for some assistance at this point.
Luna looked between the wall of muscle and myself, seemingly contemplating her advantage in this scenario.Gratefully, she sighed, and nodded. “It’s true, Chuck. He was somewhat forcibly summoned back and forth between Equestria and here a few times. One of the disadvantages to our few-and-far-between methods of travel.”
Wow, she really does care. As surprising as that may seem. Looking back up to Chuck, I silently prayed to Lady Luck that he wouldn’t skin me alive. I also silently reminded Lady Luck who was the one who fixed her plumbing.
Chuck grunted, which was practically half his vocabulary. “Don’t care. Now that you’re here, I want my money back. Got it?”
“Why, of course I’ll have it back!” I said, nodding my head so much I was sure my neck would snap.
“With ten percent interest as well.”
“T-ten percent!” I shouted, completely flabbergasted at such an outrageous claim. “Not even those grumby dragons would charge that much!” Yeah, I was using racist stereotypes, but so what? We all knew it was true! Sheesh, stop trying to be so politically correct, people.
Luna glared at the minotaur like he’d just called her fat. “Ten percent? You overbearing, capitalist, egomaniacal charlatan! You and I are both well aware the average interest rate per capita is no more than five! Taking into account a year’s accruement…” and she was off, people. Launching into a tirade of financially epic proportions, it seemed she was bound and determined to show the minotaur the error of his ways through sheer numbers.
Chuck, for the most part, seemed unimpressed. Save for the small bead of sweat rolling down his cheek, he was immaculately composed, as usual. Which was boring. “Lady, it’s my business what I do with my money and my interest rates. I don’t got time for some fancy-shmancy market rate bullshit. Now scoot along, doll.”
Uh-oh… I unconsciously took a step back, as did Celestia. Very few ponies used such language around the Princess of the Night without repercussion.
“Doll?!” she growled, leaning onto the counter and standing on the wooden plank with her forehooves. “Perhaps you have forgotten where we are, and who exactly it is I am.” Her eyes glowed that infamous blank white of a spellcaster ready to unload on some poor schmuck.
And all of a sudden, Chuck seemed to remember. He wasn’t the sharpest battle axe in the weapon rack, but he wasn’t too dull to not cut off an enemy’s head after a few swings. Whether or not it was the sheer force of energy radiating off of Luna, or the fact that, looking up at such an angle, he could see the sky behind her, I couldn’t say. But he seemed to decide right then and there her logic was perfectly acceptable and rational. “Right, well then. Five percent it—”
“Four.” Her voice was steady and forceful like a hammer striking the air.
“Four! Right! Four percent interest!” he agreed, rather loudly.
And all at once, Luna calmed down. She climbed off of the counter and trotted back to me. “Now pay the nice minotaur, Discord.”
“Uh… yes… about that…” I dug into my specially made pocket dimension and draw out a couple of dust bunnies—the live variety that ate lint, mind you—and a piece of string. “I’m kind of short right now.”
Luna looked from me to Chuck and back again, a habit she seems to have developed over the last few days, and sighed. “And what, pray tell, did you spend all of that money on?”
I drew out the cheesy toy we saw from Al’s shop from before. “Don’t worry, I left the mulla on his counter before I left. I thought a raygun would be useful, you know.”
All three of them stared at me with wide eyes—I was only guessing with Chuck, since no one was ever able to see his eyes from how much he scowled. I looked from them to the gun I was toting around in my claw, and asked, “Why are you guys staring at me like that?”
“Discord, please, please tell me you have the safety activated on that device,” Celestia asked in a begging tone.
I inspected the cheap plastic, gimmicky toy. “This thing has a safety?”
Luna shrunk away from the device, in fact going so far as to jump to the other side of the counter to hide from it. Whether or not that was for fear of the… what the hell is this thing called again? Whatever. Pretty sure she just wanted to get closer to Chuck.
“Oh, come on you guys! I think I’m responsible enough to handle at least one weapon of instant incineration without too much trouble, okay.” I mean, seriously, I could be trusted, right? Well, not for running a kingdom. Or throwing parties. I even had trouble with a bar mitzvah once. That poor child never did get to walk again either…
“Discord, I think it would be wise for you and everyone else if you deposited that weapon immediately,” Celestia said, with just the edge of a commanding voice behind her statement.
“Hey, I can handle myself just fine with weapons of mass destruction, so I think I can tote this firearm around with no problem at all. Right, Luna?” She knew me better than Celestia herself, so of course she knew how much of a responsible and caretaking adult I can be. Without a doubt.
“If you don’t forfeit that laser gun right now I’ll tell my sister where you hid her teddy. For a thousand and three years,” she added menacingly
“... You wouldn’t dare.” I knew Luna. You get to learn more about someone than you’d have ever thought after a thousand years of travel. I also knew that she would, of course, dare. But I had to keep what little dignity I had, you see.
“Mr. Fluffybottoms?” Celestia asked, turning her gaze slowly towards me. Metaphorically it was like an iceberg crashing straight into my noggin. Physically I felt frostbite touch upon my fingers and toes.
“It’s a lie, I swear!” I replied, pointing an accusing finger at Luna. “She was the one who stole Mr. Fluffybottoms, not me! She is ruining my partially good name with her inconceivable accusations upon my character along with slander of the highest of proportions!”
“Discord,” Celestia said slowly, each syllable of my name being drawn out, slow and calculating. “If you don’t tell me what happened to my Mr. Fluffybottoms right now, I shall put you through a nightmarish experience unlike anything you’ve ever seen, felt, or heard about before.” I would gulp right now, but I was afraid I might upchuck the growing pool of bile in my stomach. “Now, tell me!”
“It was… eh…” At this point, I was actually hoping Chuck was pissed off at me again and was wringing my neck dry to make a Discord flavored smoothie. With a little umbrella on top as well. Anything but this torture would do! “Unfortunately for all of us, Mr. Fluffybottoms was taken too soon by the maw of a sharkgator. He will be dearly missed.”
Everything in the immediate area seemed to be stuck in time. No one moved, no one talked, and it was as if the universe was leaning in to catch whatever was about to be said next.
Celestia was perfectly still, her eyes like the hard crust of a diamond as she stared at me. No emotion was behind that glare, which scared me the most. Irked Celestia I loved, angry Celestia I found a hoot, and even on the rare occasion of ‘hot damn, she’s pissed off’ Celestia I always got a chuckle out of. But a Celestia whose mood I couldn’t even read… now that was scary.
“Uh… Luna, is Celestia going to be okay?” I asked, quickly ducking behind Luna’s back. In all my years of combat experience, I knew living shields were best for situations where the other person wanted to strangle the stuffing out of you, then shove said stuffing right back down your throat.
Of course, I had forgotten one rather important factor: Luna made it a point never to get between her sister and I when we fought. A large, bright flash blinded me as the dark blue alicorn poofed out of existence, and reappeared some feet away, leaning on the side of the store. “No, I don’t really think she will. Of course, you could always tell her exactly why the sharkgator ate Mr. Fluffybottoms. Of course, I promised I’d never tell.” Wait, was she enjoying this? That devious little—
“Yes, Discord, do tell why my most prized possession when I was a filly is in the stomach of this sharkgator creature.” I felt the hairs of my beard freeze up, icicles already forming on them. Of course, that big lug Chuck was enjoying the show, with a very rarely seen smirk on his mug.
“Yeah, about that. It’s a very simple reason, really. One I shall explain right now, no holding back or stalling whatsoever. Because that’s the type of pony… snake… griffon… goat… bat creature thingy I am, Celestia. A trusted, dependable friend I’m sure you’ve come to support and depend upon. And maybe even cherish as well. I always knew we had a special kinship that couldn’t be broken no matter what, because that’s just the type of relationship we have, Celestia, dear. One I’m sure neither of us wants to ruin, for the reason that—”
“Just tell me, Discord,” Celestia interrupted. I swear, I heard a crash of thunder in the background after she just spoke.
Coughing, I shrugged my shoulders. Stalling time is over, the truth is now up to bat. Guess I’m just going to have to strike out now. Or… bunt for my life. “Ah yes, why Mr. Fluffybottoms was eaten by a sharkgator. Interesting story behind that, actually. You see, it all started with—” I threw the raygun high up in the air, right in Chuck’s direction, “—here’s your money with interest! I’m outta here!” And with that, I hightailed it from the three as fast as my legs could carry me.
Chuck caught my weapon deftly in one hand, smiling wider. “Come back again, Discord! Always glad to have a repeat customer!” The hulking menace glanced down at Celestia and Luna and winked, though it was hard to tell, since that guy’s forehead practically shielded his eyes at all times. “Have a nice day, gals.”
Luna stared bemusedly after me as I ran for my life, while Celestia, well, she gave chase. And for some reason, I always forget, on top of being a Princess, a Sun Goddess, and a spiteful mare, there was one other thing the Princess of the Sun was known for being.
A racehorse.
You don’t cut down all those carbs from eating cakes by taking walks around the castle. Oh no, she was a speedster to the extreme. Reason why she enjoyed Wonderbolt tournaments so much. She actually started the team, being the fastest princess in the lands. She could outrun and outfly any other pony in her domain. Partly because, if you didn’t already notice, she’s much bigger than any other pony, at least in regards to leg length. I could go on and on about what else she was bigger about than the average pony, but then I’d just be a broken record. On top of that, she had a much larger wingspan that actually worked with her body size, unlike most of the pofty and small wings you see pegasi toting around.
So all things considered, I was screwed. Just wonderful.
“Luna, control your maniac of a sister!” I called out, running circles around the minimall in a vain effort to throw Celestia off. Tumbling through crowds and crashing along storefront windows, I was trying to my best efforts to avoid Celestia’s wrath the best I could. Of course, it wasn’t working, since Celestia was nearing me with each and every hooffall. Damn you karma and your vindictive and bitchy ways! “Please, I don’t want to die here of all places! The shoppers will eat my corpse!”
Luna, not wanting to miss a moment of this Benny Hill scene playing out before her, made a point to teleport to a position with a better view each time we were about to round a corner. “You can do it, Discord! Go, go, go!” she cheered.
“DISCORD!” Celestia shrieked, picking up another burst of speed from the hatred growing within her heart. “YOU’RE GOING TO PAY FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO MR. FLUFFYBOTTOMS!”
“I have no shame!” I yelled with all my might, putting as much truth into that statement as I could.
After a few more seconds of this, and with Celestia almost literally nipping at my heels, Luna intervened. Popping in just beside us as we rounded a corner, the flash of her magic was just enough to distract us both. “Okay, sister, I fear that is enough. You’re starting to draw attention to yourself. And what did mother always say about acting the lady?”
“Hopefully something about not murdering handsome draconequii,” I stammered, before tripping and falling in a heap on the floor. Slowly picking my head up from the ground—while tugging hard to dig my tooth from the floor—I glanced behind myself at the enraged Celestia running towards me. So, this is how it ends. A bit anticlimactic, sure, but hey, at least I was going out with a bang. And with Celestia too. Wait, no… that was a bad thing. Damnit!
Luna laid a gentle hoof on her sister’s shoulder. “Celestia, just remember. If we kill him now, we can’t torture him with Twilight’s Library Corner later. Okay?”
“No! No! You can’t be that cruel!” Of course they were. Twilight’s Library Corner was downright the worst form of suffering any living creature could endure. It’s a book club Twilight started that all her friends are forced to go to. Not because they want to, but because they don’t want to hurt Twilight’s feelings. And unfortunately for me, ever since reforming, I apparently got the label of “Twilight’s Friend” as well. Let’s just say after the last meeting… I’m pretty sure being turned into a statue for reals would’ve been a better alternative.
Celestia took a breath, letting out all her air slowly but surely. Looking back at her sister, she smiled slightly. “I do suppose you’re right, Lu. Acting like this is very unroyal like indeed, and I apologize for my behavior. Besides, Discord shall get his just desserts in due time.” Celestia snickered, shooting my a devious glance. “I heard Twilight’s next novel is over four hundred pages long, in fact.”
There is no mercy in this world. None at all. “I hate you all,” I mutter, picking myself up from the ground and dusting myself off.
Luna smiled at both of us, and led the now-civilized trio down the street, to Goddesses-know-where. After a brief bout of silence, she asked me, “So, Discord, where should we go next. Or,” she paused thoughtfully, “Where shouldn’t we go next? You do seem to make a habit of angering people.”
“Yeah, about that. You remember how I was sent back here the second time due to the Elements of Harmony Twilight and her friends used on me?” I said to her. “Which, by the way, was just great. Thanks for the help and everything with that incident.”
Luna smiled over her shoulder. “Welcome. Oh, before I forget, what was it you were doing whilst we were being invaded by changelings and fighting off Sombra?”
“Oh, just the usual. Stirring up trouble, selling out Equestria to be a land of disdain and ill-repent, and listening in back to the homeland whenever I could for spying purposes. Basically what we’ve been doing for the past couple of centuries or so. Although, I kind of forget to mention something.” I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly. “Something pretty important.”
Luna stopped, and turned on her heel. “What did you do?”
“Hey now, I didn’t do anything—” I argued for my defence, “—intentionally, that is.”
“What. Did you do?” she repeated.
“See, I kind of met up with Tirek again. You remember him, right?” The unamused stare pretty much answered my question right away. “Well, anyways, we caught up over tea, and I may have let slip that… Celestia was still around back on Equestria. And then I reminded him that she’s the ticket to him having total domination over the multiverses.” I shrugged my shoulders and grinned. “Funny how the mind just spurts out random pieces of information during discussion, am I right?”
Luna’s stare could only be equated to a starless, moonless sky over a forest of dead trees and dying creatures. Lifeless, cold, empty, and pretty much my fault. “Please tell me,” she said slowly, in a voice akin to the moon crashing to earth, and being just courteous enough to let you know it was coming, “that ‘tea’ actually means ‘horrible mind-numbing torture on a spiritual and metaphysical level the likes of which you’ve never experienced before?’”
“Okay, I admit it…” I sighed, looking dejectedly down at my feet. “It was over coffee. The good kind too.”
Luna looked as though she didn’t know whether to kill me or grab her sister by the collar and run screaming. “And THIS,” she barked at nopony in particular, “is why coming here was a BAD IDEA. Do you see now, Tia? ...Tia?”
I looked to where Celestia had just been standing at. Now what replaced her spot was empty air. She had vanished without a trace, noise, or even a howdy departing goodbye. Passersby milled in the street and at stalls, but none matched the snow white alicorn that had been with us only moments ago.
“Uh oh,” I said simply. There was no other way to say it, really. We had just lost Luna’s big sister in one of the most dangerous hotbeds of magic and improbable creatures in all of existence. I wonder how Luna was taking it…
“DOES THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE RUN ON PREMIUM GRADE ‘PISSING ME OFF?!’”
Not well, apparently. Well, at least this saves me the trouble of explaining my double-cross with Tirek and the most likely reason Celestia was missing in the first place.
There are bright sides to gloomy settings after all!