//------------------------------// // Second Best // Story: Crackship in a bottle // by Shrink Laureate //------------------------------// “Princess Celestia! Are you alright?” Twilight Sparkle burst through the antique gilt doors into Princess Celestia’s nineteenth tea salon, her wings outstretched, her hooves ahead of her. In the process she left an indelible dent in the centuries-old woodwork, which would never be the same again. She was shortly followed by a bevy of out-of-breath guards who clogged the doorway behind her. “I’m fine, my dear Princess Twilight,” replied Celestia, a teacup at her lips. “Why on Equestria would I not be?” One of the guards collapsed wheezing on the floor, but Twilight Sparkle barely paused for breath. She landed and paced frantically around Celestia’s tea chair. “I just heard that the king of the diamond dogs had kidnapped you and demanded a ransom.” “Oh, that. Yes, that did happen.” “I’m glad to see you escaped somehow. I came straight here because I thought you’d need our rescue.” “Of course, and I appreciate the effort. But don’t worry about it, Twilight. I had the B team take care of that one.” Twilight stopped her pacing around the salon, one foreleg raised. “The… B team?” “Yes. The group of six close friends with unique and interrelated personality traits who are there to go on adventures and save the world when you and your friends are otherwise occupied.” Twilight wasn’t sure whether to be offended or curious. “You have... a second set of us?” “I suppose you could put it like that. It’s not like they’re exact replicas of you six, though.” “Oh. Well, good.” “Although they do each embody one of the elements, and come from a variety of trots of life. And they’re also six distinct colours, for extra marketability,” she volunteered. “Market… what?” “And of course, there are two pegasi in the group, two earth ponies and two unicorns. We have to balance the tribes.” Celestia frowned at Twilight’s wings. “You kind of screwed that one up, honestly.” Twilight turned to inspected her wings with a frown. “We had to introduce some side characters into the line to rebalance it.” She took another sip. “Hmm, this tea’s getting cold.” With a dash of magic, fresh steam rose from the cup. “I don’t believe it,” Twilight gibbered, half to herself. “I can’t be seen showing favouritism.” She sipped her tea again. “Much better.” “I... I thought we... I thought I was special...” sobbed Twilight. “Oh, Twilight.” Celestia rested a gentle hoof over her student’s withers. “You mustn’t feel that way. You were never second best.” Twilight sniffed. “Thank you, Princess. I know you wouldn’t—” “You were about fourth or fifth.” “WHAT?” “Or possibly sixth?” “Sixth?” squealed Twilight. “Honestly, I’ve lost track of how many teams we’ve lost over the years. Was it one team we lost during the wedding or two?” Twilight blanched. “Lost? As in…” “Ah yes, I remember now. It was two. The imposter completely drained them of their life force, their mystic energy, their spiritual essence. And also their blood. Totally desiccated. What with all the clean-up work and general confusion, it was nearly a week before we found them under the stage.” Twilight stood up sharply, planting her hooves solidly. “How can you be so cavalier about ponies’ lives?” she spluttered. “Well, it’s a dangerous business, saving the world,” said Celestia, matter-of-factly. “A few casualties here and there are to be expected. Honestly, it’s a wonder your own team is so nearly intact after these years.” “What do you mean, ‘nearly’?” “Oh, nothing much, really. I mean, one Pinkie Pie is as good as another, surely?” “Wh- what happened to Pinkie Pie?” pleaded Twilight. Celestia sipped her tea. “Which one? Also, Fluttershy didn't used to be a changeling. We don't think.” “Fl—” Twilight was about to object again, but backed down. “Okay, I did have my suspicions about that one,” she muttered. “By and large, though, your team has done remarkably well. You faced Sombra, Tirek, Discord, other threats to the realm. Your performance has been significantly above average.” “We’re… above average? What average? How many hundreds of teams do you have?” “Hundreds? Don't be silly, Twilight. Dragon eggs are expensive.” “You mean they all have dragons? I thought Spike was the only one! That’s why we know so little about dragon culture and physiology.” Celestia tutted. “If they didn’t all have dragons, how would I keep in touch with them all? How would I keep track of emerging threats? How would I receive all their friendship reports?” Twilight slumped, unable to stand any more. “They send you friendship reports? But that’s…” Her voice dropped to a barely-audible whimper. “That’s our thing. Isn’t it? It’s our special thing.” Celestia leaned down to Twilight's ear, a smirk on her lips, and whispered, “Happy April Foal’s Day, Twilight.”