The Uncle
By Alaborn
Standard disclaimer: This is a not for profit fan work. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is copyright Hasbro, Inc. I make no claim to any copyrighted material mentioned herein.
Chapter 5: Dinner
Evan and Darlene settled in the living room, leaning against each other as they relaxed on the couch. Normally, they’d watch television at a time like this, but with that not an option in Equestria, they just rested, enjoying the quiet time.
Their reprieve didn’t last long. The quiet was soon interrupted by the clip-clop of little hooves.
“I’m hungry,” Stonehoof announced.
“You had lunch and ice cream.” Evan said.
“Hungry,” Stonehoof replied.
“We’re having pizza for dinner,” Evan continued.
“Hungry.”
“You’ll ruin your appetite.”
“Hungry hungry hungry HUNGRY!” Stonehoof shouted.
“Shh, shh,” Darlene shushed him, rubbing his head with a hoof. “You’ll wake up your sister.” She looked at Evan. “We should give him a snack.”
“What?” Evan said.
“Evan, we bought plenty of food. We should use it,” Darlene said. “Besides, do you know how much Stonehoof needs to eat?”
“Uh....”
They headed to the kitchen, with Evan going to the icebox. The first thing Evan pulled out of it was the assortment of flowers he had bought. Stonehoof spotted them.
“Daisy!” the colt said.
Evan plucked one of the flowers, and offered it to Stonehoof. The colt chomped down on the flower with enough force to pull the stem out of Evan’s grasp.
Evan than picked up another daisy. He sniffed it; it smelled like a flower. He paused.
“Are you going to try it?” Darlene asked.
“I want to, but it just seems so weird,” he replied.
“Worse comes to worse, you can just spit it out.”
“I guess.” He closed his eyes and bit down on the flower. He chewed.
“Well?” Darlene said.
“This is great!” Evan said. “It doesn’t really taste like a flower. It’s like, I don’t know, some vegetable, but with a tangy and spicy taste.”
Darlene picked up a daisy. “I guess I’ll try it.” She bit off a few petals and chewed thoughtfully. “You’re right!”
“Ahh!” Stonehoof said as he opened his mouth wide.
“Here you go,” Darlene said, giving the colt another daisy.
“Let’s try the rest of these,” Evan said.
He sorted out the flowers he purchased. Darlene looked at one bunch in particular. “Seriously? You bought roses?”
“Yeah? What’s weird about roses in particular?”
Darlene pointed to the window, and the field of rose bushes beyond.
“Oh. Yeah.”
They sampled the flowers, sharing them with Stonehoof. They all had distinct flavors that their pony taste buds found appealing. And true to what April Showers had said, the colt liked them all.
“Okay, Stonehoof. You go and play. Darlene and I need to work on dinner.”
“Okay, unca,” the colt replied.
Once Stonehoof was out of the room, Darlene spoke to Evan. “Did you really use the ‘It’ll ruin your appetite’ line?” she asked.
“I did, didn’t I?”
“I always hated when my mom used that line on me,” Darlene said. “She only used that line when it came to sweets. She never said that a carrot would ruin my appetite.”
“I’m slipping into this dad role way too easily,” Evan said.
“Let’s get to work. I have no idea how long it’s going to take to make this pizza.”
Fortunately, Rose’s collection of recipes wasn’t damaged in the commotion surrounding Rose Aurora’s magic surge. They found the one for pizza sauce.
“This starts with fresh tomatoes, not even crushed tomatoes,” Darlene said.
“Ponies don’t seem to have much in the way of canned food,” Evan said.
“The sauce is supposed to be cooked,” Darlene noticed.
“I’ll try starting the stove,” Evan volunteered.
Evan thought back to April Shower’s instructions. He found the wood and kindling, and up above the stove, a box of matches. At least one part of cooking was going to be easy!
He grabbed the box of matches and opened it. It took a bit of fumbling with his lips to only pull out a single match. Fortunately, they were long enough that he didn’t have to worry about singing his nose. He looked for a place on the box to strike the match, and when he didn’t find one, he suddenly recalled cartoon characters using matches in classic cartoons. He struck the match on the floor, and it lit.
By the time Evan got the fire going in the stove, Darlene had most of the tomatoes chopped. “Need any help?” he asked.
“I got this, but could you chop the rest of the vegetables?” she replied, motioning to the pile of peppers and onions.
Evan nodded. He looked in the drawer, finding a big knife like the one that Darlene was using. The handle was very thick, and turned at a ninety degree angle from what he was used to. Following Darlene’s example, he held it in the joint between his leg and hoof. The handle fit well, and he found the grip from this joint to be surprisingly strong.
Cutting vegetables was still a chore. The tip of his hoof wasn’t as good as fingers at holding the vegetables in place. As a result, he ended with a pile of unevenly cut vegetables.
Good enough, he thought.
A pleasant aroma filled the kitchen as Darlene cooked the tomato sauce. Evan was starting to get hungry. But looking around the kitchen, he knew there was still a lot to do. For instance, there was a big block of mozzarella cheese. “Do we have one of those things to shred the cheese?” he asked.
“I hope so, but I don’t know where it is,” Darlene said.
Evan searched the kitchen, eventually finding the shredder on a top shelf. The tapered metal tower with holes looked just like the one that he remembered from his mother’s kitchen. Then he started to grate the cheese, and discovered it was hard to hold cheese with a firm enough grip to stop it from sliding out of his hoof. He cursed these ponies for not being sensible creatures who sold shredded cheese in neat bags.
“I think the sauce is ready,” Darlene said. “How’s the cheese coming?”
“I’m about ready to just drop this whole block onto the pizza and call it a day.”
“Let me see.” She inspected the grater, and then poked at the top of it. A metal tab popped out.
“What’s that for?” Evan asked.
“Hmm,” Darlene muttered. She rested the grater so that the tab and the bottom lay on the cutting board. “Maybe like this?”
With the new angle, Evan didn’t have to worry about dropping the cheese, and he was able to shred it more effectively.
“So why does this look like a man-made grater if it’s supposed to be used like this?” Evan said.
“That’s the question that’s making every scientist pull out their hair,” Darlene noted.
“Okay. All that’s left now is the dough.”
The bowl where the dough was left to rise rested on the counter, near the sink. Fortunately, it wasn’t disturbed during Rose Aurora’s little surge. Evan pulled the towel off the bowl.
“Wow,” he muttered.
“What?”
“That ball of dough looks so much bigger,” he said.
“That’s normal.”
“Yeah, I know, but I’ve never seen it in person.”
“Never made fresh bread?”
“Mom had a bread maker. It’s not the same.”
“I’ll clean off the counter. You get the flour and rolling pin.”
They set to their tasks. After some digging, Evan found the rolling pin. It looked like the one with which he was familiar, save for the handles being longer and flat, with an indentation. It looked the right size to fit one’s hooves.
He returned to the counter, sprinkled some flour on the clean surface, and then dumped the dough onto it. Remembering the need to put flour on every surface, he added some to the rolling pin before setting to work. The uniquely designed rolling pin worked surprisingly well for creatures with hooves.
He soon had the dough rolled out, and Darlene had a pan waiting for him. That left just one issue. “How do I put this on a pan with hooves?”
“I don’t know. A spatula?”
They both searched, but didn’t find anything large enough. Finally, they tried reversing the approach, putting the pan upside down over the dough, and then worked a pair of spatulas under it. They flipped it, and the dough held together. Barely.
“If we had this much trouble with just a pizza, how do ponies make Italian food?” Darlene asked.
“I actually went to an Italian restaurant. It was run by a unicorn.”
“Figures,” Darlene said.
Darlene pulled the tomato sauce off the stove. Assembling the pizza was by far the easiest part of the whole process. Evan made sure to add all the cheese, making this more like a double cheese pizza, and liberally added the chopped vegetables. It looked a lot better than a pizza from a chain restaurant.
“Now let’s get this in the oven,” Darlene said.
Evan facehoofed.
“What?”
“I forgot to start the fire in the oven.”
And as if on schedule, Rose Aurora started crying.
“I’ll get the oven, you change her diaper?” Evan suggested.
“It’s better than the alternative,” Darlene said.
The firebox of the oven was larger, which meant it was even more work to fill it with wood and kindling. By the time he got the fire roaring, the heat from the oven and stove was making the kitchen uncomfortably hot. Sweat clung to his coat, particularly where his coat and mane met.
Then he realized he needed to put the pizza in the oven. The oven was already hot enough to make him pull back.
“What does an oven mitt look like for a pony?” he asked himself.
He found it in a drawer, something made of thick fabric, but with a really odd U shape and a rubber lining. After a moment, he figured it out.
It was for his mouth.
The rubber grip was helpful in allowing him to grab the pizza pan securely, and the fabric was able to protect his muzzle from the heat. He pushed the pan into the oven and closed the door.
Darlene came back into the kitchen. “Everything good?” Evan asked.
“Yes, but that was the last clean diaper,” Darlene replied.
“You said there were more on the clothesline, right?” Evan said.
They both looked outside, and confirmed there were. “The hamper’s full, though. Want to get some exercise?”
“Huh?”
“Remember? The treadmill washing machine?”
“Oh, yeah. I guess I’ll do it. It beats waiting for the pizza to cook.”
Evan stood up, and then paused. “Do you know where the treadmill is? Or the washing machine, for that matter?”
“I have no idea,” Darlene admitted.
Evan thought for a moment. The house wasn’t very large, and they had been in every room already. There didn’t appear to be a basement or an attic in the house. But there was a shed outside.
He went out the back door and headed to the simple shed, through the orderly rows of rose bushes. The heady fragrance of roses assaulted his nostrils, and Evan found himself salivating.
Opening the door to the shed, he found it filled mostly with gardening tools, all high quality and well-tended. The treadmill sat on the floor in the middle of the shed, with a large tub attached to it. It had no handle, but there was a length of thick rope tied to its narrow end. It brought to mind a dog’s chew toy. And the rope was worn, almost as if it had been chewed on.
Evan realized that was because it was chewed on. The rope was meant to pull the treadmill, and the only way to hold it was in his mouth.
Taking the rope in his mouth, he backed out of the shed, pulling the heavy treadmill with him. He never appreciated just how strong pony jaws were until he pulled the heavy piece of machinery without even a slight ache.
Then again, having previously lifted over a hundred pounds using just his wings, he wasn’t that surprised.
He pulled the treadmill close to the house. He spotted a faucet outside with a hose attached, both familiar designs, and parked the treadmill nearby. He noticed that the wheels were on protrusions that could be rotated, revealing rubber-tipped blocks to secure the treadmill to the ground. He set it up, and then prodded the belt. With a bit of effort, the treadmill moved, and the agitator of the washing machine spun.
Evan went back to the shed, looking for something like laundry detergent. He found an unmarked cylindrical cardboard canister on one shelf. He lifted the lid and smelled something that was certainly detergent. His pony nose really didn’t like the smell.
He returned to the treadmill and started filling the washing machine with water. Water started pouring out of the bottom of the tub. He then noticed the open drain, which he plugged. Once the tub was half full, he added a scoop of detergent, using a long-handled scoop in the canister.
Meanwhile, Darlene came out of the house, the hamper filled with dirty diapers balanced on her back. “Can you help me set this down?” she said.
“Sure,” Evan replied.
Together, they set the hamper down. Darlene unlatched the top, and together, they tipped its contents into the washing machine.
“Should we be leaving the kids alone?” Evan asked.
“Rose Aurora is sleeping, and Stonehoof is still playing,” Darlene replied. “But I’ll go back inside, and make sure Stonehoof isn’t going near the oven.”
Evan helped move the empty hamper onto Darlene’s back, and she went back inside. Evan stepped onto the treadmill and planted his hooves. “Okay. Now to run. Don’t think about how to run. That’s what Jason said,” he said to himself.
His first few attempts ended with his rump firmly planted in the grass. He then tried starting the treadmill moving while standing on the ground and then getting on. That worked, and he started increasing his spread.
Then he noticed the door open. He turned to look. Darlene came out, carrying Stonehoof by the scruff of his neck. The colt had chocolate around his mouth and a guilty look on his face.
And as Evan was no longer paying attention to the treadmill, he fell off, once again landing on his rump.
“It seems, in the three minutes I was out here, Stonehoof climbed onto the counter and got his hands on the cookie jar,” Darlene said.
“Wait. The counter’s twice as tall as him. How did he climb onto the counter with hooves?”
Darlene shrugged.
Evan turned to the colt. “Did you eat the cookies, Stonehoof?” he asked.
“Yes, unca,” he replied.
‘Did you ask to have a cookie?”
“No, unca.”
“That was wrong, Stonehoof. Now, I want you to sit here quietly while I work. Okay?”
“Okay.”
Evan started the treadmill moving again and got on. He ran, not thinking about his movements, slowly picking up the pace until the treadmill started to vibrate. He kicked it down a notch and kept the pace, hearing only the sounds of the moving treadmill, the slight creaking of the wood frame, and the sloshing of water.
Stonehoof remained quiet. The colt poked at the grass and watched the insects crawling around.
Evan had no idea how long it took to wash diapers using this manual washing machine, but he would rather overdo it than not. He worked up a good lather as he ran. His instincts born of working for years in a health club gave him a good idea when to pause to rest.
He slowed down, letting friction slow the tread, and jumped off when it had almost stopped. There was only one way to check if the laundry was ready. He poked a hoof into the tub, pulling out a diaper. It was clean. The washing machine did a better job cleaning the diapers than his washing machine back home ever did for his whites.
Maybe he’d ask his brother to send him some of this detergent.
Now, there was a problem he never had to deal with in his washing machine back home—what to do with the water. He doubted the soapy water would be any good for the grass, and it would probably be even worse for the roses. Then he noticed a drainage ditch along the edge of the house. The house’s gutters let out into the ditch, and it stretched out towards the street. The slight elevation of the land on which the house rested would allow gravity to pull the water away from the precious rose bushes.
Of course, Evan hadn’t set up the washing machine near the ditch. So he turned up the wheels on the treadmill and took the rope in his mouth.
Pulling the treadmill with the full tub was much harder, and this time his jaw ached. But he had the strength to get it moving, and once moving it was relatively easy to keep it moving.
Evan drained the tub, and then filled it with fresh water to rinse the diapers. He ran on the treadmill to operate this manual rinse cycle. After he finished, there was still some soap in the water, so he repeated the process.
The final step was another run, with the tub empty and drain unplugged, to wring as much water out of the diapers as possible. This step wasn’t as effective as his washing machine back home. No matter how fast he ran, the diapers remained sodden. Shrugging, he detached the tub and placed it on his back, then carrying it to the clothesline.
He looked back over at Stonehoof; the colt had behaved the whole time. “Want a ride, Stonehoof?” Evan said.
“Yay! Ride!”
Evan picked up the colt and draped him over his back. He then got to work hanging the laundry. It was a task he had never done before, but the diapers currently drying showed him how to do it.
The clothesline was level with his head, making the task easier. He draped a wet diaper over the line, and then went for a clothespin. Their design, with the spring hinge, was exactly like he remembered from old school arts and crafts projects. Evan mused that he had never used a clothespin for its actual use before.
Clothespins, it turned out, were easy to manipulate by mouth, so this chore took very little time. Taking the dry diapers off the line, on the other hand, was a trickier matter. As he removed the clothespins, Evan tried to twist his body to catch the diaper before it fell on the ground, only succeeding a few times. But Stonehoof enjoyed each time, laughing and playing with the diapers collecting on Evan’s back.
Evan took Stonehoof and the diapers inside. He picked up the colt in his mouth, in the process dropping most of the clean diapers on the floor, and set Stonehoof down. “You go get washed up,” he said.
“Okay, unca,” the colt replied.
“Want me to get those?” Darlene said, motioning to the diapers.
“Yes. And make sure Stonehoof actually cleans up,” Evan said. “I need to put the treadmill away.”
Evan went back outside, put the tub back on the treadmill, and tugged it back to the shed. It wasn’t any harder to move, but it was tricky pulling it inside without knocking something else over. And getting out while backed into the shed... he almost ended up dumping the canister of detergent on his head.
He stepped out of the shed and closed the door behind him. It was a beautiful, sunny summer day, and Evan was intensely aware of the lingering effects of the heat and his recent physical activity. He felt like he needed a shower, but he didn’t want to go through all that hassle.
And then he recalled something he read about pegasi in Equestria.
The pegasi who worked in physical jobs, particularly on the weather teams, would often freshen up by diving through a cloud. And looking up to the sky, he spotted a few clouds drifting by.
Time to give it a try.
Evan jumped into the air, his wings drawing him skyward with powerful strokes. He rose in a tight spiral, and then flew toward the nearest cloud.
And promptly bounced off it.
He shook his head, and then vaguely remembered that the default mode for pegasi was to treat clouds as solids. He had to will himself to fly through the cloud.
And with the right mindset, he did.
The cloud burst around him in a refreshing spray of pleasantly chilled water. It pulled away the heat and the sticky sweat. The air passing over him continued to cool him, and he found himself dry rather quickly.
He definitely wanted to do that again.
“Think the pizza’s done?” Evan asked.
Darlene joined Evan in looking at the pie in the oven. The cheese was browned and bubbling, and the crust along the edge was done, maybe even a bit overdone.
“I don’t know, but I don’t think we can cook it any longer,” Darlene said.
“Okay, let’s get it out and let it cool for a bit,” Evan said.
He grabbed the mouth oven mitt from where he had left it on the counter, and pulled out the pizza. He lifted the heavy pan and placed it on the counter.
“Is there, like, a wire rack or something? I don’t want to scorch these counters,” Evan said. The counters were all sanded wood, sort of resembling a wooden cutting board. It was the kind of surface one shouldn’t use to cut raw meat, but that wasn’t going to be an issue for a pony family.
“Here,” Darlene said, pointing to a large, thick ceramic tile. She pulled it closer to the edge of the counter, having a bit of difficulty, as it was deceptively heavy.
Evan sniffed the air. At least the pizza smelled good.
The aroma was enough to attract Stonehoof’s attention. “Pizza!” the colt shouted.
“Not yet. It still needs to cool,” Darlene said.
Stonehoof pouted and stomped the floor with one hoof. Despite the colt’s size, Evan felt the vibrations through his hooves. They made his wings twitch.
“Now, go back to playing. We’ll call you when we’re ready to have dinner as a family,” Evan said.
“Okay, unca,” Stonehoof said. The colt walked out of the room.
“Kid’s going to be a monster some day,” he muttered.
“Think it’s about time to get another bottle ready?” Darlene asked.
“Probably. It will definitely be easier to feed them both at the same time,” Evan said.
They got to work, with Evan setting the table for three and Darlene filling a bottle with their fresh milk. They then picked up Rose Aurora; the filly was somewhere between sleep and wakefulness, but woke up fully once she was lifted out of her crib.
They gathered at the kitchen table, the portrait of a happy family, just with ponies instead of people.
Evan served the pizza, putting a slice on everyone’s plate. Neither he nor Darlene started to eat, as she was feeding Rose Aurora and he was cutting up Stonehoof’s pizza to feed the colt.
“Now, be sure to blow on it to cool it down,” Evan warned his nephew.
Stonehoof didn’t listen, and closed his mouth around Evan’s fork. If the pizza was hot, the colt gave no evidence he noticed or cared. He made each bite disappear instantly, and immediately opened his mouth for more.
Right after Evan finished feeding Stonehoof, he heard a surprisingly loud belch. Rose Aurora had finished her bottle, and Darlene successfully burped her. “Perfect timing,” he said.
“I don’t think we have to worry about the pizza being too hot to eat anymore,” Darlene said.
Evan turned to his waiting slice of pizza. He had never eaten pizza with a knife and fork, and he wasn’t going to do it now, hooves be damned. He picked up the pizza between his forehooves, folding it over as he did. He lifted it to his mouth and took a bite, before too much of the cheese and toppings slipped off.
He set the pizza back down.
Looking at Darlene, she had done the same. She looked at the pizza. “You know how they say that even when pizza’s bad, it’s pretty good?” she said.
Evan nodded.
“This isn’t pretty good.”
Looking at the mess on his plate, Evan had to agree. The bottom crust was burnt, while still not cooked all the way through. The cheese was overcooked, while the vegetables were crisper than he preferred. The sauce was decent, and the flavors okay, but this was not good pizza.
He looked at Stonehoof, who was eyeing Evan’s pizza hungrily.
“At least there will be plenty of leftovers,” he said.