//------------------------------// // The not-so epic finale you probably haven't been waiting for. // Story: Twilight ruins her life by using bad jokes. // by Goldy //------------------------------// Twilight knew her fate: To get her friends to like her again. It was a crappy fate, but it was one nonetheless. She walked outside, wind blowing in her mane. "I must get my friends to like me again!" she said into the distance. "Somehow..." Okay Step one... my friends like me... okay, redo... Step 1, part 1: Make somepony like me again... how about Pinkie! That'll be the easiest! She trotted on over to Sugar Cube Corner and walked inside to see Pinkie just working there. "Come on, Pinkie. We're going on an adventure." Even though she would have denied for work and blabbety blah blah, I'm- wait, Pinkie will just do it for me. "Yay! Adventure time!" she hopped up and down from behind the counter to in front of Twilight. "Wow, I... um... kind of thought you would deny," Twilight said. "We all just want this chapter to end, don't we?" Pinkie replied. Twilight sighed. "Yes. Yes we do." Okay! Step 1 Part 1... Check! Now Step 1 Part 2... somepony else to like me! Let's see... How about Appleja- no, she absolutely hates me. Nopony knows where Rainbow Dash is... How about... Rarity! She kind of likes me! "Onwards to Rarity's house, it is!" Pinkie said. "Wait, I never said that out loud," Twilight said. "Duh! Pinkie senses, silly!" "Wait, what?... Never mind. Let us go!" The two then traveled to Rarity's new home. Nothing special. When they approached it, Twilight said, "Okay, let's just talk to her and-" Pinkie yelled, "FUS RO DAH!" She then kicked the door down, revealing Rarity sitting on a chair. "Wah!" she screamed. "Why would you do that?! You're paying for that you kn-" Twilight shoved a hoof in her mouth. "No time for being a bitch, Rarity! We have to kill- I mean, defeat Discord!" Rarity pulled the hoof out of her mouth. "And why should I help you?" Twilight stared into Rarity's eyes. She whispered, "Because if you don't, I will wipe off your miserable existence from this planet. You got that?" Rarity gulped. "Y-Yes..." Twilight's mood went up again. "Okay! Step 1 Part 2 done! Now, Step 1 Part 2 Episode 1..." Her friends looked at her strange. She said, "I don't like the number 3, just so you know. I distantly related to Gabe Newell." Pinkie understood, but Rarity didn't, obviously. "Now, which one?... How about Flutterbitch!" The three traveled to the cottage on the edge of Ponyville. "Okay, who about we actually-" Pinkie interrupted again by yelling, "THIS. IS. SPARTA!" and kicking the door down again. They saw Fluttershy inside. "What are you doing here?!" Fluttershy asked. "You're coming with us!" Twilight said. "And why should I come with you?" Fluttershy asked. Twilight walked up to her and whispered, "Because if you don't, I'll make sure to give every single one of your "cute little animals" the Bubonic Plague, better known as the Black Death. They will soon all die, and you'll watch it happen." Fluttershy shrunk down a bit. "O-Okay..." she said in her old, tiny voice. "Okay!" Twilight said in a happy voice again. "I'm good at threatening! I should start blackmailing more! Okay... now Step 1 Part 2 Episode 2... Applejack!" The four walked on over to Sweet Apple Acres to see the orange mare there. "Hey, girls! Long time, no see!" Applejack said. She then noticed Twilight. She lowered her voice. "Why are you hanging out with her?" She motioned her eyes towards the purple unicorn. "Shut the buck up, Applejack. We have to beat the shit out of Discord," Twilight replied. "How about YOU shut up before I make you do it," Applejack replied. "OOOOOHHHH!" the other ponies there... said? Does that work? Twilight walked up to Applejack and whispered something in her ear. Even I, the author, don't know what she said. But all I can tell is that it was something very brutal. Twilight walked away; Applejack gulped, started sweating, and gave an awkward smile. "O-Okay.... I-I guess I'll go with you girls..." Applejack said. She joined the group, still awkwardly smiling. "What did you say?" Rarity asked Twilight. "I didn't even say anything; the author's too lazy. But I think he'd have to change the rating to 'mature' if he actually did put it in," Twilight said. She suddenly stopped dead in her tracks. "Wait a bucking second. We have to find Rainbow Dash for Step 1 Part 2 Episode 2. But none of us no where in Equestria she is!" The other ponies looked at each other, confused. Except for 1: Pinkie Pie, and Twilight noticed this; she just stood there awkwardly. "I know it was you, Pinkie Pie!" Everypony else became quiet and looked at Pinkie. "You're the one who hospitalized the ponies, but blamed it on Rainbow Dash! Case solved." She crossed her front legs and gave a look of accomplishment. Pinkie replied, "Dammit Twilight, for the last time, I'm not the Red Herring. But I do know where Rainbow Dash is..." Twilight walked up to her and grabbed her by her non-existent shirt. "Take us to her." "Okay, okay. Sheesh! You didn't have to do that!" She brought them to Sugar Cube Corner and brought them inside. "Rainbow Dash has been hiding in my basement for a long time. Go in." She opened the door to the dark, creepy basement; Twilight walked in first, followed by everypony else. "Gee, it sure is dark in here," Twilight said. She made an illumination spell create a small bit of light come from her horn; she looked around. "Wait... is that a torture table? And a bucket of insides?" She moved her light over to the side... where she saw the skin of Rainbow Dash, except without her wings. "Ah! You taxidermized Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash has been Cupcakes'd!" All of the ponies started screaming. "What's going on?" said a voice in a dark corner. Twilight moved her light to it and saw a pony in the corner. More specifically, Rainbow Dash. "Okay. I have not been Cupcakes'd; both me and Pinkie wish that we never read it." Pinkie nodded her head slowly. "Then explain your skin over there!" Twilight said, pointing her hoof at the "skin" of Rainbow Dash. "There was a whole bunch of arts and crafts down here. I stitched it all together to become a life-sized replica of me... You can obviously tell I've been bored as fuck when I do that." Everypony gasped. "How could you use that word?!" Twilight asked. "What?" Rainbow Dash asked. "You say buck all the time, why can't I say fuck?" "Because it's a very inappropriate word!" Pinkie replied. "'Buck' is a ponified word! 'Fuck' isn't!" Everypony else (except Rainbow Dash) gasped again. "Okay, let's just all just shut the buck up and leave," Twilight implied. They all agreed and left. And Rainbow Dash joined them for some reason, also. "Okay, now that we have everypony, we are onto step 2: Beat the living shit out of Discord. Now, where is he?" "Up your ass and around the corner," a voice said. Twilight turned around. "Okay, which one bucking pieces shit said that?!" "It was me!" said an ominous voice. Suddenly, a crack of magic and Discord appeared. "I never get old of that joke!" he said. He wiped away a tear from his eye. "Ah... classic." "Prepare your ass, Discord! Because we're about to kick it!" Twilight said, getting into a battle stance. "Well, that escalated quickly. How about my face instead? I really don't even know where my ass is." "Objection, Discord! Personally, I prefer your ASS!" Twilight got up closer to him, cringing an eye. "Hey! Twilight! Twilight! Twilight!" Pinkie said. "Ugh, you only have to say it once, you know," Twilight replied. "I've got to interrupt this dialogue to tell you an important message! You see, the whole "Twilight ruins her life by using bad jokes" thing is a conspiracy! GoldenEagle159 was aiming his stupid story at prepubescent bronies in order to get the feature box on FiMFiction (and fail)! Wait wait wait, there's more! It was secretly funded by ROBCakeran53... and Princess Celestia!" Twilight punched her in the face. "I'm not asking you." (+1 INTERNET 4 U IF U GET THAT AWESOME REFERENCE) Continuing... "...Did you read my crappy joke book?" Discord asked calmly. Twilight scooted back. "Well, I did read a crappy joke book, but it wasn't made by you..." Discord replied, "O RLY?" He snapped his finger and a book landed on her head, pushing her face into the ground. She looked at the book and saw it was a non-dusty version of her jokes book. "Read the author's name..." Twilight stared at the book. "...by Discord..." Discord smiled smugly. "...and Princess Luna." Discord lost his smile. "Wait, what?" "Crap, I forgot she co-authored that with me." He looked at Twilight, who was staring at him. "We dated a bit in high school, okay?" "Well, now what? Are you going to use your evil Discord touch stuff? Are you going to make Fluttershy a bitch so that the viewers hate you?" Twilight said. Fluttershy grunted. Discord frowned. "You have no helements of armory! It's not fun being completely overpowered!" He snapped his finger and a table appeared between Twilight and him; he put his elbow on it and put his hand on his face. Twilight did the same. Except with a hoof instead of a hand, silly. "What should we do so that I'm not overpowered and you have chance of winning?" Twilight said, "Well, we both know crappy jokes; why not have a face-off with them?" Discord's jaw dropped. "Great scott, that's genius!" He snapped his fingers and they were suddenly in an arena; Twilight and Discord were in the middle, and the other ponies were in the stands. "What just happened?" Twilight asked, shaking her head. "We're in an arena!" Discord said, raising an arm into the air. "And your friends are here to watch your ass get kicked!" He pointed off into the stands where Twilight's friends sat. "Boo!" Applejack yelled. "Twilight sucks! Go Discord!" Pinkie nudged her. "You're rooting for the wrong side!" "No I'm not!" Applejack replied. "See?" Discord asked in the Demoman's voice. He continued in his regular voice, "Even your friends hate you!" Twilight grinned. "Your ass is grass and I'm about to smoke it." "Oh!" the ponies yelled from the stands. "How do they even hear us?" Twilight asked. "I HAVE NO IDEA!" Discord said in the Medic's voice. "...So have we started yet?" Discord shrugged. "Sure, why not." Twilight began, "Um... where to start? Um... here. Yo mama so stupid, she returned a puzzle because she thought it was broken!" Discord snapped his finger and a table appeared again; he put his elbow on the table and his hand on his face again. "Oh wow, a Yo Mama joke. You must be so original." Twilight went into the same stance. "Why yes. Yes I am." Discord was silent for a few moments. "...I've already ran out of ideas." Twilight added, "So have I." "...What do we do now?" Twilight thought for a moment. Then, an idea came to her. "Ooh! I have an idea!" Discord stared at her. "And what idea may that be?" Twilight got an evil smile. "It's simple; I kill you, ending this stupid story." Discord soaked it in for a moment, but then it hit him. "What- wait! No! I do not approve of thi-" Twilight interrupted by firing a spell at him, causing him to explode into 100 pieces. She smiled. "I win." She and her friends were suddenly sent to Princess Celestia's castle. "You did horrible!" all of the other ponies said. Then, Princess Celestia walked up to Twilight and smiled. "I won!" Twilight said. "That's great, Twilight Sparkle..." Princess Celestia said; she walked back a bit. Suddenly, a cannon started rising out of the ground, under Twilight. "Wait, what's going on?! I thought I wasn't getting sent to the moon!" Twilight panicked, running around in the cannon. "I said maybe. And it was maybe not. ...And you can gloat about your victory... ON THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONAAAAAAAA!" Twilight was launched out of the cannon to the moon. "BEE-YETCH!" All of Twilight's friends just stared, awe-shocked. On the moon, Twilight landed head-first. She pulled herself out of the ground. "Damn, you got sent back here fast," said Nightmare Moon, who stared at Twilight. Suddenly, Discord's ghost appeared. He said to Twilight, "I swear, I am going to murder you in your sleep." Twilight smiled. "I still don't give a buck." TEH END. *Credits begin, where my name constantly just repeats* Applejack died two years later from a seizure. Rarity got held captive by Mexicans, and died by being strangled. Rainbow Dash got cut in half by Fluttershy, then baked into cupcakes by Pinkie. Fluttershy got sent to a mental hospital for cutting Rainbow Dash in half. Pinkie choked on her cupcakes. The Cutie Mark Crusaders had a successful career as porn stars. (YES, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.) Apple Bloom died by being crushed, Sweetie Belle randomly exploded one day, and Scootaloo died because she fell off of a cliff. Twilight and Nightmare Moon eventually worked together to overthrow Princess Celestia and rule Equestria. Discord is still dead. All of the background ponies died by being forgotten. And the author of this story types this shitty ending. He was soon murdered in his sleep by a reader who was not happy with the ending. Tahnks for reading please buy my book at goldeneagle159 .com i am poor :( (Don't actually go to that website, since it doesn't exist.)