//------------------------------// // 5 - Ms. Pie's Wild Ride // Story: My Life as a Post-Adolescent Pony // by Unicorncob //------------------------------// Balls of confetti popped over my head, covering my head in streamers and bits of coloured paper. Ponies crowded every space I could see inside and cheered my arrival. Banners reading Welcome to Ponyville, Sharp Sight! were strewn across the walls. I wasn't sure how to feel, but I was leaning toward 'terrified'. Though I also found myself wondering just how many ponies were squeezed into my modestly sized house. There was even a DJ booth in the corner, manned by a Unicorn with shades and, I had to admit, a pretty cool hairstyle. "I--" was all I managed to utter before my retinas were assaulted by a sheer influx of pink. And a little blue in the eyes. "Here he iiiiiiis~!" sang the pink Pony, who I remembered assaulting me with words earlier. "The guest of honour is here! Pinkie Pie says engage party mode!" She pointed to the DJ pony, who nodded and flipped some switches on the DJ booth. The loud techno song signalled that party mode had indeed engaged. "I'm--" was all I could get out before I had a pair of blue eyes right in my face once again. "Excited?! I knew you would be!" squeaked Pinkie. "I know I said we'd have your 'Welcome to Ponyville' surprise party at Sugarcube Corner but when I was baking the cake I realised it wouldn't be much of a surprise if I told you where the party was gonna be right?" "Uh--" "So I figured why not have the party at your house so you can come home to a lot of Ponies to say hello and be friends with!" "I--" "Aww ya don't need to thank me! Just go say hi to somepony and mingle! I'll be around if you need me!" "Wait--" I tried, but Pinkie had already bounced into the shuffling crowd. I do need you. To stop this party and let me sleep. But she was nowhere to be seen amongst the sea of partying pastel equines. It's hard to pull the plug if it's covered behind the couch. The plug being pink and hyperactive and the couch being made of Ponies. Good at this 'analogy' stuff, aren't you. I sighed and closed the door, deciding to cut my losses and make the most of the situation. Besides, a party meant party food. And I was pretty hungry. I shuffled around and through groups of Ponies, managing a smile and wave at any of them who said "Hello" or "Welcome" or whichever they preferred, and made my way to the kitchen. If I was going to let an impromptu party happen on my property--well, technically the town's property but shush--then I was entitled to some free food, was I not? Thankfully there was only one other Pony in there with me, and it was a familiar face too. Well, a familiar hat and cutie mark. Heh, apple bottoms. "Well howdy, Sharp Sight," she greeted with a tip of her hat. "Hey, um," I muttered and glanced up at the ceiling as I tried hard to remember her name. Then I thought about drinks. "Applejack, right?" "Least your head's runnin' better than your legs," she chuckled, "how're ya likin' Ponyville?" The day rewound inside my head. Falling on my face multiple times, dragging a stupidly heavy cart of clothes, facing my small fluffy fears and being passive-aggressively threatened by a reality-warping ungodly god that looked like something that'd be chained up in a mad scientist's basement. Though I found myself thinking it was at least somewhat exciting. "Well," I said, "I don't hate it here." Applejack smiled. "Yeah, gets pretty crazy 'round here but you'll get used to it." You're telling me. "Fancy some apple cider?" she asked, filling a tankard with amber liquid from a keg and holding it out to me. Froth bubbled over the rim. I blinked, stared at the froth for a moment. The last thing I expected to find in such a colourful diabetes-for-the-eyes world was alcohol. "Thanks," I said and took it on impulse with a grin on my face. I held the tankard to my lips, and hesitated. Wait, the last time I got wasted I woke up in a field with four legs. I furrowed my brow. So maybe if I get wasted again, I'll wake up in my own bed with two legs again! Very sound logic you got there. Shut up. After the day I've had, I think I've earned a drink. How do you know you won't wake up in the corner in a room with eight legs? That's impossible. Is it? ...actually maybe not but-- "Y'all okay there, sugarcube?" asked Applejack, cutting into my mind's argument with my brain. "Yer meant to drink it, not stare at it." "Sorry," I muttered, "I was, uh... yeah." I took a sip of the drink, moved the taste around my mouth for a second. I swallowed, looked at the tankard again. A bigger swig this time. "Pretty good, huh?" asked the mare, making no effort to mask her pride. "Ol' Apple Family recipe." I let out a breath, smiling right at her. "Tangy, sweet, with just the right kick. I approve very much." "Sounds like ya know a lil' about cider," she said, no hint of sarcasm in her tone, and held out her hoof. "Refill?" "Eh, why not?" I grinned and passed the tankard. I watched Applejack pour more cider from the keg, choosing to ignore the little buzz in the back of my head. I blinked a few times, less in shock and more trying to focus, at the catering table in the hall. Cakes, muffins, cupcakes, fruit punch, apple pie, all that stuff. I grabbed a cupcake and crammed it in my face. The pure sugary taste collided with the cider taste in my mouth and mingled in a way I wasn't sure what to think of. Was it good or bad? I wasn't spitting it back out so I figured I liked it. I tried another one, and noticed a red bottle on the table. I squeezed some of its contents on top and stuffed it in. Sweet and spicy. Like sugary hot sauce. That's hot sauce. I put hot sauce on my cupcake. I fluttered my eyelids. Awesome. The buzz grew and I shook my head. I needed a drink to focus. Yeah, drink. Where's my drink. Where in the absolute almighty buck is my--oh it's in my hoof. I lifted my tankard to my mouth. A drop fell in. I blinked and shook the tankard. Empty. Not good. Time for the nice cider Pony. Where's the kitchen? I started stumbling around, apologising to anypony I bumped into. At least, I was trying to say "sorry" but I couldn't exactly recall. One of the Ponies was pink and had curly hair. It took me a moment to recognise her. "Heeeyyyyy Panky," I greeted, and narrowed my eyes at her frequently blurring face. "Hooollld on a sec, thisss camera won't focus." "Camera?" Pinkie frowned, then giggled. "You're really having fun, huh?" "I'mmmm doin' great!" I snickered, nearly hitting the poor mare in the face when I lifted my tankard. "Oh right... where'sss th'kitchen? Need a drink." "Applejack's cider is great, huh?" Pinkie giggled. "Want a refill?" "Yeeeaahhh," I said right to her face, making her squint from my apple-hot sauce breath. "I can handle it. Top me up!" "Yessir!" she squeaked, saluting and bouncing off to the kitchen. "whhhat're you lookin at?" I asked, stumbling toward a rainbow-haired Pegasus. "what're you lookin at?" she snapped back, waving her own empty tankard with one hoof and jabbing my chest with the other. "whhhhat're you lookin' at?" "yoouuu wanna start?" "I think you wanna sssstart." "oooohhh I'm thinkin of startin." "lets start then!" "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" chanted the circle of ponies, while Rainbow Pony and I downed a tankard of cider each in the centre. Pinkie gave us refills while we stared each other down. "hey!" I scowled at Rainbow Pony. "we never ssssaid your twins could join in!" "iiiii dont have twins!" Rainbow Pony spat. "besssides, you got qua--...quack--...squid--...theresss four of you!" "your cheatin!" "no youre cheatin!" I stumbled toward the angry quintuplets. "ok, thats it!" All seven of them pumped their front hooves in a boxing stance. "come at me!" "and he sssays thats not a cumulonimbus," Rainbow Pony snickered, front leg over my shoulder, "thatsss my wife!" Both of us snorted and doubled over into a laughing fit. "iiiii have no idea wwwwhat you jusss said," I tried my best to say, "buuuuut i llllike you! lesss be bes frens!" "awwww why not," she hiccuped. "wwwwhat were we fightin about again?" "iiii dunno," I mumbled, shaking my head. "lessss have a drrrink an trry to rember." "i like hhhow you think!" "ssssSSO do poNes get marrEd?" The purple Unicorn, who I could swear also had wings but I had been drinking a little so I wasn't sure, tilted her head. "You mean 'married'?" "yyyeah. chHhuUrch n stuF." "Well, my brother's married," she said, in that 'I really want you to go away' tone I was very familiar with but too drunk to catch the point of. "The ceremony was in Canterlot Castle though, not a church." "oooOooOOOoo, fffncy!" I snorted, then lowered my eyelids and leaned against the wall. "wwwhy dont we get marRrarrard? u n me, whaTsyerface." "Um, maybe I should wait till the morning to talk to you..." "myriad in tH morn?" I laughed and burped. "u mov faSst! but we shud git to Know each uthR frst. u dont go at it on th frst date aftr aL." "Date?" She cringed and scooted away. "Sorry, but you're too drunk... and smelly." "cmooon bubY, i cn chanGe!" "Actually, you're very drunk," she corrected, backing away. "Besides, I'm not really into humans." ...huh? I blinked, shook my head. Did she say 'human'? She knows something! I heard the sober part of my brain say, from somewhere far in the back. "ey!" I called to the purple Pony, but she had disappeared amongst a sea of pastel. Had she even been there to begin with? She had wings and a horn after all. I had no idea about the rules of this world, but I was pretty sure that wasn't a common thing. Maybe I'd just imagined it. Too much cider. I needed a drink to clear my head. I headbutted the nearest door, and to my sheer surprise and dumb luck, it was the door to the kitchen. I stumbled up to the wooden keg, raising my hoof to it. I halted, staring at my hoof. There was meant to be something there, right? A tankard. Yeah. Where'd that go? Did I drop it? I looked toward the door, listening to the muffled music and chatter of Ponies outside. I looked back to the keg. My lips were wrapped around the spout and my hoof was turning the nozzle.