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// So Nobody Told You Life Was Gonna Be This Way 
// Story: I Am The... Hero! 
// by Chemtest 
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I sit upon my throne, taking sips of my coffee. It’s been quiet for a while now. I take out my watch, and check it. 12:30. Time to set down the coffee and eat I guess.

I hope the rest of today is peaceful. Tirek is having a concert later today, and I would like to be in attendance. Starlightgrad is doing well, Chrysalis hasn’t spoken about any problems, and my lunch is here. 

A delightful meal of banana smoothie, banana pie, banana based meat, banana bread, and bananas. I meal sure to make all your bones strong and healthy!

I walk up to the table, pleased to see my personal guards already sitting down to eat. Good, this is why so many fight to get this position. I smile at the guards as I sit, “Well, today has been surprisingly peaceful, don’t you think?”

One of them tries to rush over to me, and make me shut up. He arrives too late, “Emperor, you’ve jinxed it!”

I look him in the eye, and have the nerve to smile, “Whats the worst that-“

The guard manages to stop me this time, “Sir, are you suicidal!? You can’t say that, or suffer the curse of Murphy!”

I balk, and he releases my mouth, “Shit. I believe we are already screwed, men. Let’s just go ahead and eat before fate strikes me for what I said.”

So, we sit, and eat. Let me say, I love banana, this food is great. I don’t know how the cooks got banana to have the same taste and nutrients as bacon. Fecking legends they are. Honestly, tastes better than Chez Llama.

But, all good things come to an end as a guard comes rushing up to me, “Sir, Princess Twilight calls upon you!”

I nod, and stand up, “Set up a teleporter then.”

Two guards crawl from under the table, and place an active portal on the ground, “Already done, Sir!”

I smile towards them, “Thank you, soldiers.” I straighten my cape and bow tie, before walking forward, “Time to see what I got myself into this time.”

They salute as I walk through, “Good luck, sir!”

———

I step through the other side, and find myself in the middle of the Castle of Friendship. I honestly wish we had trademarked crystals, just so we could profit off of this places existance. It’s like the Bananaramma palace, except it’s brighter, empty, and doesn’t have our beautiful flag everywhere. Not to mention the name ‘Castle of Friendship’? It’s jot even a castle, it’s a palace! If this was a place of Friendship, there would probably be more than two things that live here.

Ugh, whatever, your not here to listen about my rants on how this place could be better. You’re here to see what happens.

So, I’m in the central place with that weird map they have. I look around to see five mares sitting there, missing Pinkie, and a few Yaks. One specifically has on a crown. I look directly at Twilight, “So, why am I here?”

Twilight smiles sheepishly, “Well, you see...”

The Yak interrupts, “Yaks declare war on Ponies!”

I slap my head, and look over at Twilight, “Please tell me that my hearing is just impaired.”

She shakes her head, “Nope, you heard it. They declared war.”

I sigh, and look over to the yak, “What authority?”

He puts out his chest, “I am Prince Rutherford!”

I nod slowly, “So, you a Prince, declare war as you sit in the center of the very nation you declared war on?”

Rutherford nods, “Yes!”

My eye twitches a little bit, “How much of an idiot are you?”

He blows the hair out of his eyes, trying to intimidate me, “You insult Yak?! Yak declare war on you to!”

I slowly nod, “You’re serious about this?”

He nods proudly, “On my name as Prince!”

I sigh, and slip out my wand, “Then Yakyakistan is at war against Equestia and the Bananaramma Corporation, and possibly the entire Revolutionaries Concordat if I want to call them in. Oh, and guess what, your now a prisoner of war! Lay down any weapons, and be escorted to a cell.”

The Prince looks around, “Wait, no, you can’t do that!”

His guards start to advance on me, and I hold up my wand, “I said to surrender.”

They charge at me.

Now, thing about the map, it has every little detail in it. My palace in particular has a lot of holes in it, and the like. These guards threatened me, and now are going to try and kill me.



Then the bois come through. Somehow manageing to pull themselves through the holographic holes in the map’s palace. Guards rain down from the roof above me, some come bursting through walls. One guard takes out a confetti popper, but instead of confetti, an entire other squad come through. 

Guards come crawling out of my opponents nose, and... let’s just say one came out on the other side. The dedication they have to do that is beyond my imagination.

Of course, they surround the Yaks, and make them stop with the threat of death. No blows are exchanged, the Yaks simply looking at the spears near their necks.

I laugh at the surprised looks on the Yaks faces, “Guards, escort them to the finest Crystal prisons.”

The Prince looks right at me, “You will be crushed under the combined forces of the other countries. Griffonia, Hoofler, Minotauria, all shall crush you! Your outnumberd and outmatched!”

I lean down to look the Prince in the eye, “You are on the outmatched and outnumberd side here. Seven experienced nations, all with giant armies that have just fought. Against your puny four, who haven’t fought in a thousand years. Think for a minute what your rash decision will cost. Remember who has the most food in the world, the highest technology in the world. Remember that this was all your fault.” I look at my guards, “Take him away.”

My guards pull him away, and Twilight starts to tear up, “The first war in a thousand years... all because of me.”

I pat her on the head, “I’ll just go to the King, and explain at how his son sniffed to much glue and needs to be picked up. I’m on good relations with him, we should be fine.”

She looks up into my eyes, “And if war does happen?”

I continue patting her, “I’ll instruct my armies to use non-leathal tactics.”