I stretch as I wake up from my bed. Gah, my moustach is all messed up! I grumble, and get up to walk over to my bathroom.
Egh, these hairs are longer than the others! My monocle, dirty! My suit, the same as ever! The hat, upside down!
I set to fixing up my appearance. Come on, only one month in a war and my beauty falls apart like this! Ridiculous, frightfully silly I say! It’s just fecked everything up!
No problem, I just need to turn the hat around, and put my monocle under the water. Then, pluck these hairs.
I start the delicate process of clipping off all the hair that’s fecked up. Just this one last hair... very stubborn.
”Assertivness, yeah!”
The shouting makes me yank out the entire hair. Ouch! Motherfecker, that hurt! Ahh, hurts too much, need coffee to get rid of pain.
I pull a mug out of my hat, and tap it with my wand, “Coffies Apparatus!”
Coffee fills up my mug instantly, and I take a sip of the smooth caffeine. Perfect way to start off any morning.
Now, what fecker caused me to pull my hair out!? I swear, he better say sorry for the absolute travesty he’s caused, or so help me I will be slightly inconvenienced!
I pull out my fob watch from my suit pocket. 9:13. Way too early to deal with this shit.
I put away the watch, smooth out my cape, and set down the hallway.
I don’t know who did that, I don’t know what they want, but I will find them, and I will make them say sorry.
———
”Look at all the weaklings in the crowd, cowards! Not able to stand up for yourself, right!?”
I push open the main palace doors leading directly outside. I march outside with mild annoyance.
I see a Minotaur in front of me, and a crowd of my citizens in front of him, “If you aren’t one hundred percent satisfied by this course, you get all your money back, guaranteed!”
I move up behind him, “Let me guess, if they buy one now, they get another free? Oh wait, if you take this course now, you get a free shamwow at the end!? Oh, did I get it correct!?”
The minotuar hears my sarcastic tone from behind him, and spins around to look at me, “See ponies, by the end of this course, you can approach others just like that! Step one: Don’t be shy, look them in the eye!”
I tap him on the shoulder, “Yeah, sorry buddy-“
He interrupts me, “Dont apologize when you can criticize!”
I wipe his spit off of my face, “Yeah, okay, sure. Look, do you have a slot open? I don’t remember signing the sheet that said you could present here. That means you should go.”
He smiles, “Treat me like a pushover, you’ll get the once over!”
I rub my aching ears, “Look, maybe you didn’t hear me.”
He looks back to the crowd, “Maybes are for babies!”
I rub my eyes, “Look, I’ve had a rough morning.”
He looks around, “Attack the day!”
I look right at him, “You need to leave.”
He looks right into my eyes, “When something tries to block, show them you rock!”
“Okay.” I pull him down by his horns to look right into my face, “Look at what your noise did to my moustach!”
He looks at my moustach, and cringes, “Oh, yikes.”
I nod, “Yeah, you have slightly inconvenienced me. That is the highest crime one can have!”
He laughs a bit, “Really?!”
I look right into his eyes, “If you laugh in my face, it’s time to erase!”
He responds right back, “You make me lose, I blow my fuse!”
I let go of him, and look at him again, “Say, I have a solution that works. You teach people to be assertive, and you sound like a family friendly Gunnery Sergeant Hartman. You need to be absolved of crimes, I need someone who could train the citizens to be fighters just in case. How about we solve these two problems, whatever your name is?”
He strikes a pose, “Iron Will is the name, making ponies assertive is my game! Iron will is listening to your solution.”
I nod, “Good, well I think we could work well together. You’re an independent businessman, I can respect that. But, I imagine you probably want a stable salary, right?”
He nods, “Iron Will would appreciate getting a steady income, but nothing ever wanted to hire him for his seminars. So I travel, town to town, trying to help ponies become more assertive.”
I smile, “Well, your seminars might work wonders in getting my populous assertive and ready to fight, just in case. I will absolve you of your crime, pay you steadily, and use your services. I need your help, you want my help, quid pro quo.”
He thinks it over, “And what happens if I don’t sign?”
I smile darkly, “You will be chased out of town by our resident cannibal vampire old man. I don’t think you want to try and run from Jim Pickens. He will follow you, he will find you, he will lock you in his basement, and will probably kill you in some hilarious way. That’s not to mention Jim’s Cult, and if there was anything worse than Pickens hunting you down, it’s Pickens and his Cult members (including the Grim Reaper I might add) chasing you down together.”
He looks shaken up, “What if I get across the border before they get me?”
I laugh, “Oh, you think Pickens cares about the law!? Oh, that’s rich. No, even if you get across that border, your a dead fecker. If you manage to get across that border, Grognak will come after you too. Grognak and Pickens are a combination you don’t mess with if you want to live. So, choose wise, a stable income? Or being chased down by Jim Pickens until your half eaten, yet still alive, body is locked in his basement?”
He takes the contract in my hands quickly, and signs, “Very well, Iron Will shall help you!”
I take back the contract, “Excellent. Carry on with your show.”
I return to my throne room, hearing him start up again. I check the time.
10:49...
It’s going to be a long day.