Chapter Seven
Thorax was the sane one. He hated it, but someling in the relationship had to be. At times like this, it was extremely difficult for Secundus to be rational. He’d told Thorax that wasn’t a Draconequus trait, he’d always been that way. Thorax’s mind raced at all the implications of that sentence. Trying to keep his voice level, he said, “What exactly do you mean ‘gone?’ Gone to the next town for groceries? Gone to Ponyville gone?”
Secundus gave a manic laugh. “Oh, I wish it was that easy.” He unrolled the scroll and cleared his throat a few times. It always unnerved Thorax when Secundus did this, but in a perfect impression of Albert’s voice, he read, “Dad ‘n Papa, I’m going away for a while. Don’t come looking for me, I’ll be fine. I just need to try something new. I think I’ve figured out a way to travel, so I’m going to Earth. I know Dad will have two heart attacks, but it honestly can’t be as bad as he’s said. I’ll come home when I feel like it. Albert.”
“How the Tartarus could Albert have gone to Earth?!!” Thorax shouted, not caring if he looked upset. He was beyond panicked. “He doesn’t have any magic at all!”
Secundus closed his eyes, his horn lighting up with its black/white aura. He looked like he was listening for something. His eyes snapped open. “He’s not anywhere on Equestria, so assuming he wasn’t sucked into a black hole, I think it’s safe to say he made it somehow.”
“YOU HAVE TO GO FIND HIM!!” Thorax shouted/begged.
Secundus gave a bone-chilling smile. “I can’t. If I could, I’d rearrange the universe to make him safe, but Earth is the only place in the entire multi-verse I can’t go. I don’t know what to do! I – I’d need …” Secundus snapped his fingers.
Discord appeared in the hall, eyes closed, dressed in an elegant waiter’s uniform, a spectacularly arrayed table with covered dishes floating in front of him. He gave a bow, and said, “Dinner is served!” He opened his eyes, glared murderously, and growled, “You little-” He spotted where he was. He glanced and Secundus and groaned wearily. “Have you never heard of knocking first?!” Four knocks echoed throughout the hall, slightly late. “Thank you,” Discord said sincerely.
Thorax had a genuine emergency, but he just had to ask. “What in Equestria are you doing?”
Discord folded his arms and sighed. “Fluttershy and the girls are on one of their stupid map adventures, and it’s not like I can stop her from fulfilling her job as an Element of Harmony, so I get to feed her abominable rabbit while she’s gone.”
Thorax raised an eyebrow. “With a five-star dinner service?”
“He’s very particular about food presentation,” Discord growled, green flames leaping up behind him.
Secundus chuckled. “I know.”
Discord’s anger drained away and the flames snapped out. “Anyway, what’s up? You never summon me like this unless there’s a world ending without writing first.”
Secundus said, “Albert’s gone.”
Discord snickered. “Where’d you leave him last?”
“DISCORD!!” Secundus shouted, magic charging the atmosphere like static electricity.
Discord held his paw up as a token of peace. “Sorry, sorry, I couldn’t resist. Where’s he gone?”
“He’s gone to Earth,” Thorax supplied.
Discord’s jaw literally hit the floor before he wound it up again. “Holy jalapeno marmalade,” he muttered.
“See? I knew you’d understand!” Secundus said.
Discord snapped the table back where it belonged, not caring if Angel Bunny was upset. That rabbit had caused him enough trouble, he could last one night without a soup course. “Right, and you can’t-” Secundus shook his head. “Oh boy,” Discord muttered. He looked at Thorax. “Do you know anything about Earth?”
Thorax nodded. “Yeah, Sec’s told me a lot about it, and I’ve read up on it a lot.”
Discord rolled his eyes. “There’s a difference between theory and application. Have you changed bodies before?” Thorax nodded. Discord closed his eyes for a second. “Found him! I think. Let’s go then!” He opened up a portal, grabbed Thorax, threw Thorax head-first through the portal, and leapt in after him.
“GAAAAHHH!” Thorax screamed. He’d gone to other universes before with Secundus, but this time, it felt like the universe was fighting him. It got so bad he blacked out.
Thorax opened his eyes groggily. His head felt like it had been hit with a mallet, and his whole body felt wrong. It was too long, and his exoskeleton … felt – why didn’t he have an exoskeleton?! His short-term memory booted up all the way. Oh, he thought.
He looked up. He was lying spread eagled on a sidewalk and was pretty sure he was in a human body. He glanced at the limbs in fascination. He held his hand up in fascination. “Whoa. What a weird color!” He glanced at the clothes he was wearing: jeans, heavy-duty boots, and a green t-shirt that had the words “I’m Thorax.” on them. Well, duh! Why does my shirt say that?!
He glanced up. A man was standing uncomfortably close to him, a creepy smile on his face. He had green eyes and a long black goatee, his long black hair pulled back into a ponytail. He was wearing jeans and a blue sweatshirt with a symbol in the middle that looked like a circle with arrows coming out of it. Thorax wondered who he was, until he spoke. “Mornin’ gorgeous! You must have hit your head pretty hard back there!”
“Discord?” Thorax asked.
Discord nodded. “Wow, you are out of it!” He glanced at himself. “Oh, right, you wouldn’t recognize me.”
Thorax wasn’t the best judge of human ages, but Discord looked … young. Maybe thirty at the oldest. It clashed with the way he looked and sounded in Equestria. “I thought you’d be older,” Thorax mumbled.
Discord looked affronted. “I’ll have you know I’ve been in my prime for longer than your universe has existed, and I’m still young! I hate that most fanart makes me look like some creepy old man, just because I’ve got a white goatee,” he muttered, rolling his eyes. He hauled Thorax to his feet. “Anyway, we should be finding your wayward son, no?”
Thorax nodded. They didn’t know where to go, so they just set off. “Where are we?” asked Thorax.
Discord grinned. “This is the town your husband grew up in! Quaint, isn’t it?” He inhaled deeply. “Ah, I love the smell of carbonic oxides in the morning! What do you think? Do tell!”
Thorax glanced around. “It’s … nice. Lots of trees. It sure is hot! Sec always made this place sound like a … what’s the human word? ‘Hellhole?’”
Discord shrugged. “You make your own hell. It doesn’t help if you can’t leave, I will admit. I think he was referring to the larger town this town is built into.” He glanced around. “Well, if Albert’s anything like his fathers, he’ll have headed for the nearest library. It’s this way.”
“How do you know so much about this place?”
Discord didn’t seem to be able to give a smile that wasn’t at least slightly creepy. “Oh, I know lots of things! LOTS of thINgs!” he said in a demonic growl. He caught Thorax’s expression. “Spoilsport. You know how Secundus spied on Sombra’s tragic life?” Thorax nodded. “I did that to Secundus, only more so. I saw everything. It was mostly out of curiosity, partly because the Council told me to.”
Thorax shuddered. He’d only met the entire Draconequine Council on a hoofful of occasions, but they could be terrifying when they put their combined energy into a task. He was just grateful they were usually the good guys. He noticed that the street underneath his feet had turned to hexagon brick pavers, and he was surrounded by antique stores. “What’s this place?”
“Olde Towne! Sec’s got a lot of happy memories here!” Discord glanced around. “Well, at least the squirt didn’t time travel on top of everything else. If he’d met his dad or something, that would have caused the kind of paradoxes no Draconequus likes sorting out.” He felt something in his hoodie pocket, reached in, and pulled out a short metal cylinder with a bright orange label. “Yes!” Discord cheered.
“What’s that?” Thorax asked in confusion.
“It’s human soda! I’m going to drink it like a person!” Discord opened the can, took a long swig, and poured the rest over his face, licking it out of his beard. Thorax wasn’t an expert on humanity, but he was pretty sure humans didn’t drink like that. Discord glanced around him in confusion as they walked. “Where is he? I can’t really feel him. That’s … worrisome.”
Two guys were walking past them, they turned to stare at Discord with confused expressions. “Is that John de Lancie?” one asked the other.
“Nah, it just sounds exactly like him.”
Discord grinned and cackled with glee. Thorax didn’t get the joke. They finally came to the library. Discord ushered Thorax in and said, “Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like hideout!” They walked in.
Thorax asked, “How will I even know Albert when I see him if he looks human?”
“Trust me, you’ll know,” Discord replied. Thorax couldn’t read his expression. It was a small library, so it didn’t take long to examine the whole thing. “He’s not here,” Discord finally said. He pulled at his beard. “Where would he have gone? I know he went this way. What’s further up the road?” Discord’s eyes widened, and he facepalmed. “Tell me he wouldn’t be that stupid after last time,” he groaned. He grabbed Thorax by the shirt and dragged him out the door, practically running.
“Where the hay are we going?!”
“Your husband’s personal Hell on Earth, his old high school.” It was a long run to the school. When they finally got there, Discord slammed the door of the administration building open and breathlessly said, “HiI’mheretopickupmynephew,hemighthaveaccidentallycomehere,andhe’dhavebeenhavingseriousproblems!!”
The secretary said, “Calm down sir! What’s your nephew’s name?”
“Albert Jones,” Discord panted.
“What does he look like?”
Discord pointed at Thorax. “Half like him.”
The secretary’s eyes widened. “He’s in room 211b. Do you need me to-?”
“I know where it is!” Discord snapped, bearing his teeth slightly. He shoved Thorax out the door.
They came to the room. Instead of opening the door like he normally did, Discord very quietly and gently pried it open. Thorax wondered why. He heard someone screaming. What kind of school is this?!
They entered the room. A teacher and a policeman were looking at a young man sitting at a desk, covering his ears with his hands and screaming loudly. He had long, spiky black hair, and was dressed oddly. He was wearing a grey t-shirt with the words “If lost, please return to Thorax.” bright yellow shorts, and tennis shoes that had a shimmering blue scale pattern.
“Albert?!” Thorax asked in shock. His eyes narrowed. “What did you do to him?!”
Discord put a hand on Thorax’s shoulder to restrain him slightly. “They didn’t do anything, they’re trying to help him.”
The policeman said, “Can I help you? Who are you?”
“I’m his father! What is going on?”
The policeman sighed, and said, “Sir, your son was found wandering the halls. He isn’t a student, and that’s not allowed. He’s been having a meltdown for the last hour and a half. Sir, you can’t just let a disabled child run wild like this.”
“What do you mean disabled? Albert isn’t disabled! I-”
Discord quietly said, “We need to talk, and then I get to tell Secundus. Goody. Just go make sure he’s OK, I’ll deal with the red tape.”
Thorax hesitantly walked over. “Albert?”
Albert looked up. “Papa?” Thorax nodded. “I just want to go home!” Albert said with a sniff.
“We’ll go soon, I promise. Right, Discord?” Thorax growled.
Discord nodded. “Yes, yes.” He looked at the two adults. His irises shifted from green to their normal cherry red. “Right, I think it would be for the best if you two forgot about this and carried on with your day.” They nodded and walked out of the room. “I hate having to do that!” Discord groaned. “I don’t know a single Draconequus who likes it. Are you two ready?” Thorax and Albert nodded. Discord snapped his fingers.
The three found themselves back in the Hive, floating aimlessly in the main hall. Gravity appeared to have been switched off and the walls were slowly changing colors. Thorax remembered the reality tended to have minor breakdowns in Secundus’s proximity if he became upset enough to lose control slightly.
Thorax cupped his hooves around his mouth. “Sec!” he called, “We’re home!”
“Thank god,” Secundus mumbled appearing right behind them. He gave Albert the once-over and worriedly asked, “Are you all right?! Nobody hurt you, did they? Do you feel OK? I-”
“I’m fine Dad!” Albert grumbled, pushing Secundus’s paw away. “I’m just tired, and I felt weird the whole time I was there. It’s no big deal.”
“NO BIG DEAL?!!” Secundus screamed. “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORR-”
Discord pulled Secundus aside and quietly said, “Mon ami, there’s something you should know.” Secundus gave Discord a confused look, but allowed him to teleport them to a neutral location. Discord sighed, and rubbed the bridge of his muzzle with his talons. “OK. I’m not sure where to begin. I noticed it after a while, and I think you noticed it right away, but were hoping it wasn’t true. I guess I can understand that.” Discord sighed again. “Albert’s … a lot like you. And your father, and your grandfather, and your great uncle, and your brothers, and your sister, and your nephews, and two of your cousins.”
Secundus winced. “I … hoped not,” he mumbled. “In my family you don’t walk away from it, I was just hoping since I had new genes, I … I don’t know. I guess I always knew, I just …” He didn’t finish the sentence. “How do you know how to recognize it?” he asked Discord with interest.
Discord grinned. “I get around. For hating chaos as much as people like you do, you can be … fun. Sometimes. Provided it’s quiet.”
Secundus rolled his eyes. “Some of us like noise,” he said. “There isn’t a one behavior fits all.”
“Well you hate it,” Discord said with a grin.
Secundus nodded. “Oh. I have to tell Thorax. That’s going to be an interesting conversation.”
Discord looked panicked. “I should warn you, it’s not as common in Equestria. It exists, but … not to that level. He might not have heard of it.”
Secundus facepalmed. “Oh great. That makes it so much easier,” he said with blatant sarcasm. He snapped the two of them back into Albert’s room, where Thorax was making sure he was OK.
Discord said, “I really should leave you three alone. You’re welcome.” He hissed to Secundus, “You owe me one act of chaos on the planet of your choice, since I know you won’t do it here.”
Secundus sighed. “Deal,” he said, shaking paws with Discord. “Here I thought you were helping out of the goodness of your heart. Discord cackled before disappearing.
Secundus looked uncomfortable. “Uh, Thorax? There’s something I need to tell you.” Thorax nodded. “You know how Albert’s … different from your average teenager, even though he’s not actually a teenager? Never mind, that last part’s not important. I just mean … I don’t know how to put it. I’ll just say it. Albert’s Autistic, like me.”
“What’s Autistic?” Thorax asked in confusion. “Is that like artistic?”
Secundus smirked at that, before his face fell. “Scoot over,’ he told Albert. Albert did, and he sat on the bed. He thought for a minute. “Well, I know a great analogy using computer operating systems … but those don’t exist here, so there goes that idea.” He sighed. “Basically, our brains are just physically different from a ‘normal’ person’s,” he said, spitting the word “normal.” “It’s not inherently a bad thing, some parts of it can actually be pretty useful, it just means we have challenges others don’t. Things like reading body language, handling social situations, not handling change well, not understanding what people are saying, getting stuck in the same interests, things like that.”
Secundus chuckled. “Actually, Albert’s got an unfair advantage, since he’s empathic. He automatically knows what someone’s feeling, whereas I mostly have to guess. I’ll tell you more about it tomorrow Albert.”
“Do I still have to do my homework for tomorrow?” Albert asked nervously.
“YES.” Secundus growled. “Oh, and Albert? You are grounded until your five-hundredth birthday for scaring me like that!!! Got it?!” Albert swallowed and nodded. Secundus sighed. “It’s been a long day for everyone, go to sleep.”
“I’m not even tir-” Secundus’s eyes glowed and Albert passed out, starting to snore.
“I should have thought of that months ago,” Secundus mumbled. “Most parents would kill to be able to do that.” He glanced nervously at Thorax, like he was expecting an outburst. “I swear I will tell you everything I know about it. You were already exhausted from our anniversary, and the rest of the day can’t have helped. As King, I order you to bed.”
Thorax saluted. He then smirked. “You know … that sentence could be taken a couple of different ways,” he said suggestively.
Secundus threw a pillow at him. “Oh, hush. You’re exhausted, and I’ve got a long night ahead of me. I’ll write you an I.O.U.” Thorax chuckled, went down the hall into their room, and collapsed into bed.
Secundus spent the next few days explaining the ins and outs of autism. With graphs and flowcharts, and lots and lots of pictures, metaphors, and analogies. Thorax always made sure to ask good questions.
“OK, so I’m understanding a lot of this, but … it hurts to look someling in the eyes?”
Secundus sighed. “Not so much Changelings, ponies, griffons, yaks, or any of the other species of Equestria. It’s always been easier for me to look animals in the eye.” He winced. “Sorry, that was speciest of me. I know that a lot of the ‘animals’ in Equestria are sentient, and should be treated with respect. I don’t think of them as animals, it’s just why I think I can look them in their overly-expressive eyes,” he said with an amused snort.
“OK, I can sort of understand that, but it hurt to look humans in the eyes, right?” Secundus nodded. “Why?”
Secundus’s fur puffed up in mild anger, and he turned his fingers towards his palms with his claws slightly more out. He said, “You both know what humans look like, so imagine a human-shaped star. Not like a human that glows, an actual sun with all of the solar flares, heat, light, unbearable brightness, and cosmic radiation. Now imagine that you’re two feet away from it. Can you do that?” Albert and Thorax nodded. “Good. Now look it in the right in the eyes, and don’t blink.” Thorax winced. “That’s the closest comparison I can make for what it’s like for me to look someone in the eyes.”
“OK, so why is noise so hard for us?” asked Albert.
Secundus gave a sad smile. “We … pay attention to everything. We don’t really have a choice most of the time. When we’re surrounded by lots of ponies talking, we’re hearing every single conversation at once. It’s my understanding that most humans and ponies can selectively listen to only the conversation that they’re a part of, rather than the entire room. That, and speaking is like shouting,” Secundus finished with a grin. “Any other questions?”
It turned into a very long day.
At the end of that week, Secundus was sitting in the gardens, staring at Thorax’s currently vacant throne, pondering a few things and his family. He sniffed a few times as an unusual smell hit his nose. Directly in front of him, a large silk spider slowly descended on its thread, before finally hitting the ground near his paw and hoof. It scurried a few feet away from him, then grew to a massive size. Secundus gave a slight bow of recognition.
“Thank you for not swatting me with a newspaper,” Destiny said with a smile showing in most of her eyes.
“You’re lucky you smell like a Draconequus,” Secundus admitted. “Even though Albert keeps them as pets, I don’t think I’ll ever like spiders. It’s very nice to see you, I don’t get a lot of visits from my cousins. Except Discord, who is naturally over here a couple of times a month to pester us. Just his way of showing his affection. Can I get you anything?” Destiny shook her head. “Are you here on business or pleasure?”
“Business, I’m afraid,” Destiny replied. “I have a message to give you.”
“Oh? What is it?”
There was a flash of bright light, and a sound of rushing wind.
Secundus came to in a white spartan room with a long table and two comfortable chairs, all of which were the same shade of white as the walls, floor and ceiling. The room was brightly lit, but not to the point it hurt. Secundus noticed that he was in his human body, wearing a white t-shirt, long pants, and no shoes or socks. Someone politely cleared their throat behind him.
He turned around, then growled, “Don’t wear my face, it’s not yours.”
His exact look-alike gave an amused grin. “If you want, I can get you the patent application and blueprints. Would that help?”
“Oh. You’re a god.”
The god snorted with laughter. “Most beings who work for us wouldn’t say ‘god’ in the same tone of voice as ‘door to door salesman’ or ‘criminal defense attorney.’”
“Sorry, it’s been a long week. I’ll try to be more respectful.”
The god grinned. “No, you won’t, you know yourself better than that.”
“Touché,” Secundus grumbled. He tried to improve his mood. “It actually is nice to meet one of my employers, not even most Draconequui get to meet you. You lot certainly do have a sick sense of humor sometimes.”
“Well, we have to enjoy ourselves somehow. It’s always for the best. Anyway, you liked divine practical jokes when you were mortal.”
“It was the only way you’d talk to me,” Secundus said bitterly. “Might I inquire as to the reason I’m currently outside creation, talking to an omnipotent being?” He then realized something and clenched his fists. “It’s about what I was just thinking about, isn’t it?!” The god nodded slowly. “Look, I’m most likely three types of crazy, but no one could call me stupid. What’s going on?!”
The god gestured to one of the chairs. “You … might want to sit down for this…”
Secundus popped back into the Hive, his normal noodley self. A couple of Changelings passing by winced and clutched at their horns. “Sorry,” Secundus mumbled softly. He went to his room and collapsed into bed, feeling drained.
A few minutes later, Thorax wandered in. “I’m getting complaints of a horrific mood tainting the food supplies,” he joked.
Secundus didn’t crack a smile. “Sorry about that,” he muttered. “I’ll feel better in a while. Might take a few days, I can leave if I’m upsetting everyling that much.”
Thorax grew concerned. Even when he was in a bad mood, Secundus almost never contemplated actually leaving the Hive, it was his home. “What happened? You just … disappeared this afternoon.”
Secundus sighed. “Well, I got to meet one of the gods this afternoon. That’s actually an honor, even if it didn’t feel like it.”
“So? That’s a good thing, right? What would make you this upset?”
“I got an answer to a prayer I didn’t know I was making,” Secundus said bitterly. “I can’t talk about it.”
“Oh, come on! I know you don’t like to talk about things, but I’m always-”
Secundus cut him off. “No, you don’t understand. I can’t talk about it. I desperately want to, I just cannot actually do it. I couldn’t even tell another Draconequus about it. I wish I could, it would really help. Jerk put a geas on me. With a god, you cannot find a way around it. He was honestly kind of right to do so, but I wish he hadn’t.” He stared at Thorax and sighed. He held up a paw. “Look, I swear to you it’s nothing bad. There isn’t some cataclysmic disaster headed our way, nopony’s dying, I just … got some answers. Everything’s fine, honest.”
“Then why are you heartbroken?” Thorax asked lowly.
Secundus didn’t answer.
Thorax was busy taking a shower, trying not to get soap in his eyes. He didn’t have a mane to shampoo like a pony, but his fur still needed washing. He spotted a noddley silhouette on the other side of the shower curtain and rolled his eyes. “I’ve got a really long day ahead of me, and I’m not in the mood for you to join me in here, so would you mind-”
Discord pulled the curtain back with his talons. “I’m married, you creep!” he hissed.
Thorax shouted in surprise. “Sorry, I thought you were-” He noticed Discord smirking. “AUUUGH!” Thorax shouted in frustration. “You are impossible!”
“Thank you,” Discord said sincerely.
Thorax glanced at himself and blushed. “Do you mind?!” he shouted.
Discord rolled his eyes. “We don’t wear clothes!” He snapped his fingers. Thorax’s fur was shampooed the point it was silky soft, his chitin was freshly polished, his horns were reflective, and he smelled faintly of lavender.
“Uh, thank you?” Thorax said uncertainly.
“Don’t mention it,” Discord said with a smile. He turned serious. “Is your husband around by any chance?”
“Not when I got up, why?”
Discord growled. “Everypony’s accusing me of unleashing chaos, and for once in my life, I’m innocent! Secundus is the only other being who can use chaos magic that well.”
Thorax was confused, so he trotted outside to see what Discord was talking about. “It’s a perfectly ordinary day,” he said.
Discord rolled his eyes. “Like he’d mess things up here. Go past the borders of the Hive, and you’ll see what I’m talking about.”
Thorax did, and his jaw dropped at the unholy sight before him. The sky was practically split open, changing into impossible colors and patterns like a kaleidoscope. Gravity would randomly halve, or double, to the point it physically hurt. Black and white clouds zipped overhead at dizzying speeds, raining frogs, blood, scalding hot tea, peppermints, licorice, hail, and still stranger things, all at random. The landscape had changed to a giant game board, complete with living cardboard cutouts harassing ponies they met. It was almost worse than what Discord had done when he was free.
“What did he do?” Thorax shouted. He spotted the sun and moon hanging next to each other. The Mare in the Moon was back, but she looked … different somehow. The sun had a similar shadow.
Discord started counting on his fingers. “Well, the first thing he did was to change all of the coffee in Equestria to decaf…”
“That’s just evil,” Thorax said.
Discord nodded and continued. “He messed with the weather, freed all the monsters from Tartarus, banished Celestia to the moon and Luna to the sun, gods know what he did to the Elements of Harmony, and more importantly their bearers, he kind of set physics on fire, Appleooa is currently a giant banana split, Cloudsdale is a hurricane trapped inside a small snow globe, Yakyakistan is a tropical paradise, and you really don’t want to know what he did to Canterlot for the way they treated Albert.” Discord shuddered. “There’s more, a lot more, but I think you’ve got the gist.”
“Wh-why would he do any of that?!” Thorax stammered.
Discord shrugged. “He’s your husband, you tell me. Do you have any idea where he is?” Thorax slowly shook his head. Discord licked a finger and held it up to the wind. A rainbow aura quickly flickered around it. “Huh. The highest concentration of chaos is in Ponyville,” Discord said with surprise.
Discord snapped his fingers and the two of them appeared in Ponyville. If what Thorax had seen at the border of the Badlands was horrific, it had nothing on this. All of the houses were upside down, there was a permanent snowstorm covering everything and reality would slowly shift and warp.
The worst part of it all was Secundus. He was sitting at the far end of Mane Street, perched on a throne made of optical illusions. His color was gone, he was a uniform dark grey all over. His mane and beard were an inky black. Thorax always got nervous when Secundus’s eyes turned yellow, since it didn’t seem like he was himself. Thorax didn’t want to know what Secundus having glowing maroon irises meant. At Secundus’s “feet” was a purple and green dragon, curled around the throne protectively. Thorax realized with horror that this was Spike. Spike’s eyes were closed, but black mist was seeping out of them. Apparently, Secundus had aged him up, and he had obviously hypnotized him. To one side of the throne was a large gold bowl of gems for Spike. Spike was also wearing a golden collar with Secundus’s Yin/Yang seal of office engraved into it.
The most horrific aspect of the day was what lay between Thorax and Discord and Secundus at the far end of the street. All the townsponies were dancing in couples in the street, bright happy smiles on their faces as “Heaven is a Place on Earth” played. It wasn’t physically possible for a changeling to throw up love, but Thorax wished he could. None of them had eyes.
Thorax and Discord simply tried walking up the street but there was some kind of mental barrier that even Discord couldn’t cross. They simply walked around a few corners and came up to the throne near Spike’s snoozing head. Secundus hadn’t noticed them at all. His panda paw was lazily beating time, and he was humming softly to himself.
“SECUNDUS!!!!” Discord bellowed.
Spike cracked open his eyes. He still had green irises, but his eyes looked like Secundus’s, black from edge to edge, plus the black mist flowing out the corners. Yep, definitely hypnotized. “What do you want?” he growled in an annoyed tone.
“It’s OK, love, they’re just here to check up on me,” Secundus said with a friendly smile, running his fingers down Spike’s back. “Love?” Thorax thought with distaste. If they were suddenly a couple now, Secundus was treating Spike more like a pet. “You might want to sit this one out,” Secundus told Spike. Spike nodded and took to the skies, screeching loudly.
“WHAT IN GODS’ NAMES HAVE YOU DONE?!!!” Discord roared.
Secundus shrugged casually. “I was feeling kind of down, so I threw a party. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? Look, I even invited all our friends!” He pointed to the other side of the street the pair where now on.
Just when Thorax thought today couldn’t possibly get any worse. Secundus had meant “all our friends.” Everypony: the Mane Six, Starlight, Sunburst, Trixie, the Armors and Flurry Heart, Sombra, everyone except the Princesses were frozen in stone. They were all in poses that ranged from rage to terror. Thorax officially felt sick.
Discord growled when he spotted Fluttershy, curled in on herself, sobbing. “I’ll kill you!!” he shouted at Secundus.
Secundus smirked. “I’d like to see you try.”
“If you weren’t more powerful than me, I’d-”
“You’d what? You want to fight? Alright, mon cousin, let’s fight.” He stepped off his throne. The two Draconequui circled each other, sizing each other up, but not in physical terms.
Discord threw the first spell, which Secundus blocked with ease. After that, it was an all-out magical war. Reality groaned, bent, and twisted under the weight of it. Impossible was the new possible, and creation suffered a minor systems error. Neither Draconequus seemed to have the upper paw, but Discord was getting tired.
Secundus smirked. “You’re really getting old.” He flexed his fingers outwards. “Boom.” He stated simply.
Discord joined Fluttershy’s statue, curled around her in a protective pose. His entire being radiated silent rage.
“Sec!” Thorax shouted. “Snap out of it!! When the Council sees what you’ve done, they’ll destroy you!”
Secundus gave a sad smile. “Oh, my poor naive husband. You don’t understand. I want them to blow me out of the sky, but until they do, I’m going to enjoy myself,” he finished with a twisted grin. “Do you like it?” he asked eagerly. “I’ve redone the whole world! Everything’s mine, which means it’s yours, if you want it. Why stop at one world? We can have everything, ever!”
“Are you seriously giving me the ‘we could rule together’ speech?!!” Thorax shouted angrily.
Secundus gave another said smile, and for just a second, he seemed like his old self. “We already do rule together, Moosey.” He murmured. “I’ve just expanded the boundaries. I didn’t want to be a king, I just wanted you. I did all this to show you I love you, so that you would know you’re worth it. That’s all I ever wanted, was to love and be loved.” He held out a paw. “We can make everything right, as long as we’re together.”
Thorax extended a hoof, feeling relieved. It seemed like Secundus was snapping out of it. “Thank you. You have to undo all of this! This isn’t you! I don’t know what happened, but you’re just not yourself, and I hate it! We can find a way to apologize, some way, somehow, and I swear,-”
Secundus withdrew his paw, clicking and growling. Thorax suddenly felt very, very nervous. Despite them being Spirits, an angry Draconequus was more like an animal, and that animal was more predatory than a hydra. “So … does this mean you don’t want to rule with me?” Secundus asked slowly and carefully.
Thorax shook his head. “No. Not if it’s like this. I don’t want any part of a world that you’ve twisted like this.”
Secundus clenched his fists and spat at Thorax. In an enraged scream, he bellowed, “WHY DO YOU ALWAYS LEAVE ME??!!!” He leapt at Thorax and the last thing Thorax saw was needle-like teeth headed for his throat.
“GAAAAHH!!!” Thorax yelled, sitting up in bed, heart racing a mile a minute.
Secundus popped into the room. “Are you OK?! What’s wrong? I heard you screaming.”
“GET AWAY FROM ME!” Thorax shouted, firing a bolt of magic at Secundus.
Secundus swatted it away. “What’s wrong?”
Thorax pressed his snout to Secundus’s. “Tell me you didn’t just destroy reality and then pull the ‘It was all just a dream’ routine on me!”
Secundus was confused. “Thorax, what happened?”
Thorax slowly realized it was just a dream. He flopped down on the bed. “I … had a nightmare where you turned all evil and stuff…” he mumbled.
Secundus sighed. “I’m so, so sorry. I should have woken you up sooner. If you want we can talk about it tomorrow, but for now, you need your sleep. Heh. I’m still upset by what happened at that meeting, and now you’re having nightmares. We should both be better in a few days, I hope. Go to sleep, I’ll stay with you.”
Thorax nodded and got back under the covers. Secundus wound around him the way he used to do when they were dating. For some reason, right before Thorax fell back asleep, he thought of the makeover Discord had given him before the dream went south. “I wouldn’t mind if you made me pretty…” he mumbled before passing out.
Secundus wondered what that meant and made a mental note to ask about it tomorrow. He grew nervous. In theory, he could do something like destroy reality (not that he’d ever, ever do it) and then retcon it to the point it would affect even his memories. Even if he didn’t remember it, it would have left tell-tale traces of magic. He ran a quick self-diagnostic. It really had been just a dream. He let out a sigh of relief.
Secundus mentally hissed, Did you have anything to do with that?
-Relax, corpse. I don’t have access to your magic, since you put up, like, twelve firewalls the week you got it. Paranoid much? Since I’m trapped here, the only person I can give nightmares is you. Not everything that goes horribly awry in your life is my fault you know.
-Yeah. I know. Sorry.
-Hey, can I tell you a bedtime story? I … really miss doing that. I know you don’t sleep, but it was one of my favorite things to do.
-I’m not five anymore.
-I know, but-
-Your bedtime stories are like an acid trip.
-Yeah, I guess so.
-I didn’t say “no.”
-EEyes! (ahem.) Once upon a time…
True to his word, Secundus’s mood did lift over a few days, although he still acted a bit oddly. Thorax felt a lot better about the situation when he went down to the lowest levels of the Hive one day. He spotted what looked like rave lights and smoke coming from an empty cavern and he heard music playing loudly. Out of curiosity, he took a look. To his surprise, the empty cave looked more like a club floor, with dance lights, music, smoke, the whole nine yards. Unlike most clubs, there was only one occupant.
He was an anthro cat. Thorax had seen some of them around Equestria, but they were supposedly pretty rare. He’d never seen a cat like this though. He was black on the left side of his body, with a white ear and a yellow eye, and white on the right side of his body with a black ear and a blue eye. The color split even continued down his tail. He was wearing a hot pink t-shirt that had yellow words reading “Are you kitten me right meow?” and turquoise pajama pants with a pattern of cartoon fish and can openers. It all clashed horribly. He even had a couple of glow bracelets around each wrist, which added more color to the chaos.
The cat didn’t seem to have spotted Thorax, so Thorax hid and watched. The cat was simply dancing alone, greatly enjoying himself, singing along to the current song blasting out of who-knows-where. The lyrics he was singing didn’t match, it was like he’d made up his own lyrics to go with the song. Thorax couldn’t quite tell what the song was about, it was a woman singing something about being hot then cold at the same time.
Given the fact that the cat had apparently broken into the Hive undetected, set up a private dance club, the cat’s coloration, and his dancing skills, there was only one explanation. Thorax smirked and headed over.
When the song ended, Thorax stamped out some polite applause.
“YEEEP!” The cat yelled, jumping a foot in the air, his fur puffing up from fright. He turned to glare at Thorax. “I prefer to dance when no one is watching, not like no one is watching,” he huffed.
“You’re actually getting better,” Thorax said with a grin. “What’s all this for?” he asked, pointing at the set-up.
Secundus shrugged. “Our anniversary made me think that you’d most likely like to go to a dance club again at some point, so I thought I should try and get used to the environment. I’ll take it down,” he got ready to snap his fingers.
“Don’t!” Thorax called. Secundus looked at him in surprise. “Uh, could you stay like that?” Thorax asked sheepishly. Secundus slowly nodded. Thorax tried to remember what something had felt like, then green flames whooshed around him. An anthro tiger took a few teetering steps forward, trying not to fall flat on his face.
Secundus rushed over and helped prop Thorax up. “I take it you want to dance?” Thorax nodded eagerly. “You could have stayed yourself, it’s a lot more comfortable. I know you don’t like being bipedal.”
“Yes, but I know what this shape does to you,” Thorax purred with an evil grin.
Secundus blushed and mumbled something unintelligible. He then grinned back. “Let’s go then…” After a few dances, Secundus smirked at Thorax.
That afternoon when Albert got home from school, he couldn’t figure out why his fathers had locked their door. He shrugged and went to work on his homework.
Two days later, Albert came home from school, feeling sick to his stomach. Thorax and Secundus were holding court indoors that day, trying to untangle a dispute between two guards. Secundus wasn’t empathic, but he knew that expression. He nudged Thorax and pointed, and the two excused themselves, promising to get back to the issue soon.
“What’s up?” Secundus asked, visibly worried.
In a daze, Albert managed to say, “We had health class today … we discussed growing up, and puberty, … and … and …” he couldn’t finish the sentence.
Secundus’s eyes grew wide. He facepawed. “Oh. My. Gods,” he groaned.
“What’s wrong?” Thorax asked, feeling left out of the loop.
Secundus eyed him. “How do Changelings tell nymphs about the birds and the bees?” he asked carefully.
Thorax was confused. “We usually take them out to the gardens and point them out to them. Why? What do animals have to do with – OH, MY GOD!”
“Eeeyuuuppp….” Secundus said lazily. He and Thorax glanced at each other. Thorax stuck out a hoof. His first month in Equestria, Secundus had discovered that ponies were capable of playing “rock, paper, scissors” despite not having fingers. A hoof held straight out meant “paper,” a hoof held downwards at a sharp angle meant “scissors,” and a hoof turned upside down meant “rock.” Behind Albert’s back, his fathers played a quick game. Secundus lost and growled unhappily.
He groaned and said to Albert, “Right. Put your bags down. We’re going for a long walk, and then we’re going to Sugarcube Corner.”
“You’re getting me candy?” Albert asked in confusion.
Secundus nodded. “Yes, but it’s also because when I finish giving you ‘The Talk’ I’m going to need a piece of chocolate the size of a boulder. Why couldn’t this have waited ten or twelve years like a normal parent?” he groaned. He took Albert’s hoof. “Right,” he said angrily. “Tell me exactly what you covered, and I’ll answer any questions you have, and determine if I need to kill your teacher, OK?” Albert nodded, and the two of them went to their respective dooms.
Despite Albert’s entire childhood being ruined before he was two years old, life in the Hive carried on as normal. Once Secundus explained everything in a slightly calm and rational manner, Albert even managed to not be too scarred by the experience. On the other hoof, once Secundus explained to Albert that no, he wasn’t conceived immaculately, Albert spent an entire week yelling “Perverts!!” whenever he saw his fathers together, even if they were just reading. Finally, everything went more or less back to normal.
Well, almost normal. In this family, strange was the new normal.
Thorax knew that Secundus didn’t need to sleep, but unless he was busy working, or out of town on “business,” he nearly almost cuddled with Thorax until Thorax fell asleep. He was nowhere to be found this evening, in the entire Hive. Thorax knew he wasn’t working, so he couldn’t figure out where he was. When he got into their room, the mystery deepened. Built into the wall was a door that hadn’t been there that morning. It was the kind of vault door that couldn’t be hacked into and could withstand a nuclear explosion. A sign on the door had Secundus’s best pawritting. It simply read: “KEEP OUT. KEEP IN!”
Thorax smirked. That was just a stupid thing to put on a sign. To his surprise, the wheel to open the door turned with ease. With the level of curiosity that was usually fatal to felines, Thorax headed in.
The world turned Upside Down.
Thorax had been expecting a small room, not this. The other side of the door was hanging in space on a darkened street. This side of the door was blue painted wood, not a steel door. A small plaque by the door, also hanging in empty air read, “I am in 221.”
Thorax stepped the rest of the way through. The door clanged shut with the finality of an earthquake. Thorax noticed there wasn’t a knob on this side. He tried shoving against the door with all his might. It didn’t budge. He tried teleporting to the other side of the door, his magic simply fizzled out. He wasn’t getting back out this way it seemed.
He stared at the street in fascination. It was night, full of stars, but on the edge of the sky was a fiery streak of red and pink that suggested the sun had just set. The air was chilly and dry. The street seemed to be abandoned. He cautiously trotted down it. He tried sniffing, he couldn’t smell anything. At all, not even the air. It was unsettling.
There were streetlamps along the side of the road that did a good job of illuminating the path, but they were slightly strange. Most streetlamps had a soft orange glow, these shone with a bright bluish-white light.
Thorax noticed a sign under one of the streetlamps right by the door he’d come through. In bright white, urgent, large numbers, it read: “7-5-20 15-21-20 15-6 13-25 8-5-1-4!!!” It seemed to be some sort of code, but Thorax had no idea what it said. He shrugged and kept trotting.
There were buildings on either side of the street, but they didn’t look lived in. Thick, ropey, black vines covered them. Thorax spotted cars lining the street. That clinched it, he wasn’t in Equestria anymore, Toto. Thorax blinked. There was something odd about the cars. Oh. They were parked in such a way that they were arranged by model, then size, then color. That was … odd. Thorax couldn’t imagine any species would park that neatly.
He heard loud music thumping from up ahead and spotted what looked like neon searchlights. He nervously trotted on. He got to the source of the noise and realized he was walking past a graveyard, lined with giant, old pine trees. It was what he saw in the graveyard that made his jaw drop.
Humans. The graveyard was filled with humans, but they were … wrong. For one thing, they were all translucent, and looked like they were made out of neon light, instead of flesh and bone. You could see through them fairly well, and they glowed brightly in the dark. They were all young adults and were dressed oddly. Thorax finally recognized the dress as from the Victorian era of human history. That didn’t match at all with they way they were acting. They were having a loud, brightly-colored party, adding to the lightshow with their own glows. They were all dancing and Thorax spotted one ghost in a top hat and overcoat who had a DJ’s turntable in front of him. When one of them passed through a gravestone like it was thin air, Thorax realized that they were all ghosts. Victorian ghosts having a rave in a graveyard. That was … a strange anachronism.
One of the young me spotted Thorax and waved. “Hey! Join us!”
Another shook his head and laughed. “Nah, it’s not his time yet!”
A young woman smiled and called, “Never dance with the fair folk, and never dance with the dead, Thorax!”
Thorax’s eyes widened at the fact that they apparently knew his name. They didn’t seem to bear him any ill will, they simply waved him goodbye as he very quickly trotted past the graveyard.
He walked a few blocks without incident. At this point in the street, the buildings were turning to houses. Thorax spotted what should have been a “for sale” sign in a front yard. Instead, it read, “Ehzduh wkh Ehdvw zlwk jroghq hbhv. Kh vshdnv lq ulggohv, brxu wkrxjkwv duh olhv.”
Thorax rolled his eyes. “Seriously?!” he shouted. “Is everything here some weird code?”
He glanced at the sign again. To his surprise, the text had changed. In larger, sloppy red letters that glowed faintly in the dark, it read, “DUCK!!!”
Thorax wondered why that had changed, until he heard something fluttering overhead behind him. He hit the pavement. A swarm of enormous butterflies went overhead. Each butterfly was the size of a raven. What was the most unusual about them was the fact that their wings glowed in bright colors, shifting patterns and colors hypnotically. It was breathtaking. A few of the butterflies turned back to look at him. In childlike sing song, they called, “Thoooorrraaaxxxx …. Where are you Thorax? Thoooorrrrraxxx….” They finished flying overhead.
“OK, that wasn’t creepy at all,” Thorax muttered. He picked himself up and dusted himself off. Since nothing was directly attacking him, and he seemed to be trapped here, he decided to press forward.
He noticed that even the houses he was passing had dead lawns and were covered in the same ropey vines. This place was very, very strange. Two blocks later, he started having the strongest feeling of Deja-vu. Wait a second … I recognize this street … This is the town where Sec grew up! If it was all dark, and twisted, and creepy, he finished with a shudder, glancing around at him.
He decided to head up the same street where he’d traveled to find Albert. To his surprise, this street was actually clean, the vines were gone from the houses. He heard noise coming from one of the houses. To his surprise, there were four identical houses right next to each other, they hadn’t been there in the town when he went to visit it. He tried a door, just to see what would happen. This house was bigger on the inside and didn’t have a house on the inside. Instead, a wintery landscape stretched beyond the door, the northern lights going overhead. Thorax spotted a cabin in the distance, smoke coming out of the chimney.
He closed the door and tried the next house. This one had a windy, sunny beach, with a sand dune that went down at a 6o° angle leading to the water. Thorax closed the door and tried the next house. This one had a river in the mountains somewhere on a summer’s day.
Thorax tried the next house. This one did have a house inside. A human mime was sitting in an invisible recliner, reading an invisible newspaper. When he spotted Thorax, he glanced up, gave a friendly smile, and waved.
Thorax shrieked in horror and slammed the door closed. He galloped for all he was worth down the street. “Nope, nope, nope, NOPE!!!!” he shouted. When he realized he wasn’t being chased, he slowed down to catch his breath.
He was heading to what had been Olde Towne in Sec’s home town. In whatever this place was it was Olde Towne as well, but it was decked out for the holidays. Every light post had a wreath made out of lights hanging from it, or a bell made out of lights. The edges of buildings were all covered in Christmas lights, and snow was gently falling, disappearing before it hit the ground.
Compared to the rest of the town the air here was freezing. The shops were all lit up, with displays of toys and presents and food and deserts in the windows. Thorax noticed that every shop had a model train whizzing around in the window, as well as a small blue box with the words “Police Public Call Box” near the top tucked into a corner of the window. Thorax wondered, If this town is abandoned, then who is this all for?
Thorax thought some more and snickered. A creepy, dark world, that’s also strangely beautiful. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear this place was made for Secundus.
Thorax then heard something. He glanced up. In the town where Secundus had grown up, there had been poles with speakers in Olde Towne that played human pop music as you shopped. This Olde Towne also had speakers but they weren’t playing music. Instead, voices came out of them.
A woman’s voice asked, “So, if you had to tell me what the person in this picture was feeling, you’d say…?
“Sad,” a boy replied.
“Good!”
The audio changed.
“Quit mooching around!!” A man roared. “I’m working!!”
“Sorry, dad,” the boy mumbled.
The audio changed again.
“Come on, you’re like totally a timelord! How are you always in the right place at the right time?”
“I don’t know, I’m just lucky.”
The audio changed again.
“Hey. Um, so have this-”
“Friend who wants to know if I’m gay, right? Good golly! The whole school must have the same friend!! Tell your ‘friend’ that it’s none of their business. Also tell your friend that I don’t date aliens, and that by the time I do get around to dating, your planet will be dead and cold, all right?”
Another voice said, You know, you could relate to humans better if you’d try to relate to humans better.
The first voice said, Yeah, well, if humans would stop treating me like a freak, maybe I would try. Besides, thinking like a ‘normal’ person just hurts. The two voices sounded almost identical, but there were slight differences. For some reason he couldn’t explain, Thorax thought of them as “good voice” and “bad voice,” although “bad voice” seemed to care a lot more.
The audio changed yet again.
“Bad voice” said, I’m so, so sorry! I didn’t mean to-
“Good voice” snarled, No you’re not! You can’t be sorry!
I – I can I try to-
If you don’t start running and hiding now I will hunt you. You can’t be hurt or killed, but please let me know how many pieces you’d like to be immortal in. There was a sound like someone running very quickly.
The audio changed again. “Good voice” said, Why – why does everyone always leave?
-It’s just part of being human to grow up and leave the nest. You might get to one day too. I mean, it’s not like you can spend eternity rooted to the same spot…
The audio seemed to switch every couple of sentences.
-Are you going to get out of bed today?
-Maybe. Probably. Even I can’t sleep all day.
-Would you like a hug?
-… Yeah …
-What species?
-Otter.
-One fluffy otter coming up! Is that better?
-Thanks.
Another fragment played.
Thorax heard someone singing, “My little pony, my little pony, aaahh-ahh-ahh-ahh!”
The voice that cared that Thorax still thought of as “Bad voice” snickered. I can’t believe you like this!
-Hey, you requested it! It’s all Discord’s fault anyway. Two episodes and I was hooked.
-Mmm. What species do you think you’d be? You’d probably be a Changeling, you are starving for love. The Changelings are pretty cool. Oh! How about a Draconequus!
-Right, because giving me Phenomenal Cosmic Power would be such a good idea. Why are you asking, anyway, Equestria isn’t even r-
The audio cut out and switched to something else.
A familiar double voice called, “Hey, Twilight? I was wondering if you could explain Silverthorne’s self-replicating hexes to me?”
“Where did you even find that?!” Twilight yelled.
“It was in the forbidden section of the castle library,” Secundus replied. “I was curious, so I picked the lock. You really should have a better security system than that.”
-Wow. You’re considering hexing somepony?
-I’m trying to learn magical theory! Secundus replied. I want to learn as much about it as I can, is that so wrong?
-You’re still a huge geek.
-Mr. Pot, allow me to introduce Mr. Kettle. I’m sure you’ll get along fabulously.
-OK, OK! I still can’t believe you somehow wound up in Equestria. That’s just … I don’t know.
-Yeah. I … I don’t know what to think of it.
-Ooh! They’ve got a whole section on hexes specifically to use on unicorns!
-Down, boy. I couldn’t actually use them if I knew them.
-You’re no fun at all… Bad voice pouted.
The audio switched again. Thorax realized it was in chronological order.
-OK. So, you’re attracted to Thorax. That’s not a bad thing.
-I’m a stallion. He’s a stallion. I’m a human. He’s a horse. That’s like, six levels of wrong. Secundus replied.
-You’re not human anymore, and you never will be again, so that takes that element out of it. As for the other aspect, well … there’s not a lot you can do about who you’re attracted to. You could do a lot worse. You always thought he was kind of adorkable, and now that you’ve actually met him, you know he really is! Besides, did you see that flank? The voice purred.
-Yes. For a horse, he’s got an admittedly gorgeous flank. Thorax blushed. You’re incorrigible, Secundus continued on the audio, you do know that?
-Yep! The voice replied happily.
The tape switched again.
-You really, really need to go out and see somepony, you’re driving yourself crazy!! Which means you’re driving me crazy, and I can only put up with so much of your whining. You can’t stay in your Realm forever!
-I’m fine, ok? Secundus growled.
-No, you’re really not. Why don’t you go see your coltfriend? I’m sure Thorax would understand.
-It’s like, three in the morning there.
-I order you to go talk to him!!
-FINE! Secundus snapped.
The tape switched.
-I’m glad you had a fun day nearly getting killed with Sombrero.
-Don’t call him that! Secundus replied with a laugh.
-No, it’s just … I’m glad you have friends. You’re a lot less agoraphobic since you’ve lived here. Maybe you won’t need me some day. Who knows.
-Don’t worry, I’ve never really gone for the evil overlord type. I think I see them as competition on some level.
-Right, because you’re such a villain.
-Hey! I was voted “Most Likely to One Day Conquer the Earth” in elementary school. That was kind of an indicator of my personality. I’m just usually the nice one.
-You’re adorable you know that?
-Fite me! Secundus snarled.
The track moved forward.
-Wow. I … um … Gosh. He looks just like a kitten sleeping there. I’d never have thought …
-You would focus on the last few hours, rather than my entire wedding. Secundus said with a laugh.
-Oh, no, it’s not that. Your wedding was everything we always hoped it would be and more. Thorax just surprised me is all. I mean – wow.
The track moved further ahead.
-I can’t believe I made that.
-Yeah, he’s adorable. You’re lucky you can put up a crib with a thought. Albert’s admittedly one of the cutest things I’ve seen, and we aren’t overly fond of babies. Hey! He’s got my hair!
-There is such a thing as coincidence.
-Afraid I’ll corrupt your firstborn?
-Terrified, yes. Secundus replied good-naturedly. It was obvious he didn’t mean it.
-Heh. So, can I be like a cool uncle or something?
-I thought you didn’t like me introducing you to “corpses.” It tends to get me locked up.
-Yeah, but I’m like an older brother now or something. I swear I will do whatever I can to help you, Albert Jones, even if I have to override this nutcase to do it!
-Easy! I get you want to help but try not to overdo it!
The tape moved quickly on.
-Why did you give me such a horrible nightmare?! I lost EVERYTHING in it!! Secundus roared.
-I …
-It’s because I won’t play with you anymore, right? Call it what you want but that’s what it is! For gods’ sakes, it’s not like I can get away from you! Just because I have a family now doesn’t mean I won’t be spending time with you. We do care for each other, even if it’s in a weird way. Don’t ever do that again!!
The other voice was silent.
The tape skipped a bit.
-We might have overdone that a bit…
-“Might?” Those colts are scarred for life most likely! I just – yeesh. I should have done something more practical, I’m going to get in so much trouble. I know I’m overprotective of my family, but yeah, we overdid that.
Well, you have to admit, it was fun.
Oh, hush, Secundus replied. No one asked you. But, yes. It was.That worries me. Please go away.
The recording skipped further forward.
-Uggh. Gods willing, may I not have to deal with yaks the rest of the year. I nearly got everything trampled.
-Well, it was nice of Blueblood to give you pointers. They actually helped, I didn’t think he’d be that kind to you.
-“There’s no such thing as a free lunch.” I’ve had my fill of socializing for the foreseeable future.
-Cheer up! You’ve got the Grand Galloping Gala to look forward to!
*BAM!* BAM!*BAM!*BAM!*BAM!*
-Uh, you’re going to break your horn off if you keep banging your head against the wall like that.
-I. Can’t. Take. Any. More. Bloody. Diplomacy!! Secundus shouted in time with the beats of his head. I’m horrible at it, it drains me, and I never know what to say! Why the hell did I have to wind up being a king?!!
Thorax chuckled. I remember that night! It took me almost an hour to convince him not to run away from home!
The tape wound to a stop. A DJ/announcer’s voice said, “You’re listening to Memory.Now. Bringing you laughter, trauma, hope, and fear for over twenty years. We’ll get back to your most-requested memories after this message from our sponsors!”
An inequine screeching came over the speaker. Thorax clamped his hooves over his ears. It felt like somepony was dragging a file down the exoskeleton on his back.
“Thanks for that encouraging message, Dave!” The DJ said. “And now, highlights from High School!”
Thorax quickly trotted away from the speaker, in case another “sponsored message” came over it. He mulled a few things over. “So, I’m in a world that would be designed for, and maybe by Secundus, and I’m listening to his memories apparently.” Thorax facehoofed. “OK, I know I’m missing something blatantly obvious, but I don’t know what it i-”
Thorax then realized something important. Who the hay could Secundus have talked to his entire life, including when he met me, without anyling noticing?!
Thorax then heard far away music. It sounded like it was coming from all around. It seemed to be someone singing passionately, but he didn’t recognize the song. Suddenly, he just knew the name of the song and the artist, like someone had politely dropped the information into his head. The Police. “Every Breath You Take.” Cover by ???
The person singing seemed to be on the last few lines of the song, before they started another. Again, Thorax automatically knew the name and artist. Lady Gaga ft. Beyoncé. “Telephone.” Cover by ???
Thorax wondered who was singing, his ears couldn’t pick up where it was coming from, until it was right behind him. When he turned and saw who was singing, his jaw dropped.
It was either an enormous dog that looked like a wolf, or an enormous wolf that looked like a dog. The tips of Thorax’s antlers barely came up to its shoulders. Its fur was a bloody maroon, streaked with grey and black. Thorax didn’t have to check between the dog’s legs, the dog automatically radiated “I’m male.” He was walking down the street and singing loudly with his eyes closed, he apparently didn’t need to see to know where he was going. He had a nice tenor voice, although it was a bit strange. The only person Thorax had met who could glitch his vocals like that was Secundus. He was singing multiple lines on top of each other, the way a pop song worked.
The strangest thing was the dog’s body language. He wasn’t walking, he was strutting. His tail was held high, he was taking steps that made him look like he was dancing, and his hips swayed side to side the way a stallion trying to catch a mare’s eye did. Thorax had never seen a dog swagger before. In addition, despite his eyes being closed, the dog was smiling. Not in an “I’ve been called a good boy” way, or in an “I’m baring my teeth at my dinner” way, it was a cross between the two that radiated smugness.
He simply walked past Thorax without noticing him at all. When the song was over, and he got a few feet past Thorax, his tail wiggled a bit. His head snapped around, and his eyes snapped open. Thorax caught a flash of gold. The dog started growling, but not at Thorax, at his tail. He bared his teeth at it, while his tail swayed mockingly. The dog barked loudly, and the chase was on. Dog and tail fought each other tooth and nail, each just out of the other’s reach. The dog ran around and around in dizzying circles, never quite able to catch his tail. Finally, his quarry eluded him, and he slumped down on the ground, panting heavily.
Thorax trotted over. Working on the assumption that if the dog could sing it could probably talk, he said, “Despite that amazing display of cunning, reflex, and physical prowess, your tail still has a death grip on your butt.”
The dog looked floored to see Thorax. “How did you get in here?!” he asked in shock.
Thorax shrugged. “There was a door. I walked through it.”
“Of course, there’s a door,” the dog grumbled. “Why not declare war on reality while you’re at it?”
Thorax couldn’t figure out what that meant. “I’ve met diamond dogs, but I’ve never met a talking dog that looked like you,” Thorax said with interest.
The dog scratched behind his ear. “I’m not a dog,” he said irritably.
Thorax was about to point out that, yes, he was, when he had to blink. The dog was gone. In his place was a very strange looking human. He was young, tall and thin, with long spiky black hair like Albert’s mane. He was wearing dress clothes that looked very professional. He was pretty average physically, what was strange was his color. Clothes, hair, skin, everything was monochrome. He looked like a black-and white photograph, except for his eyes, which were a glowing yellow.
He gave Thorax a smile. Thorax was fine with the fact he had small fangs, but the smile was just wrong. It was meant to be friendly and disarming, but he looked like he’d never actually practiced smiling in his life. Thorax got the impression that this was some … thing … trying really, really hard to appear as a friendly, harmless human, and failing miserably.
“What are you?” Thorax asked, getting ready to go into fight-or-flight.
The person looked down at himself. “Hmm. This is missing a good reference.” His outfit changed so that he was wearing a yellow tailcoat with a brick pattern over his shirt, a black bowtie instead of a black necktie, and a tall black top hat. He pulled a curved black cane out of the air. “Much better!” he said happily. He then glared dangerously at Thorax. A black magical aura surrounded his left hand, and Thorax found himself hanging upside down in the air. “Listen up, Buttercup!” the man said. “I’m an all-powerful dream demon, and you’ve invaded my territory!” He broke into a hopeful smile. “Want to dance?” he asked excitedly.
“What?” Thorax asked. The next thing Thorax knew, he was on his hind legs, tangoing with whoever this was, a rose between his teeth. He had no idea how that happened. The man was a surprisingly good dancer. Thorax spat the rose out. “What are you doing?!” he shouted.
“You’re right! Who needs to dance? I know a great hotel up the road we can go to, and-”
Someone cleared their throat behind him. Loudly. He turned to look behind him and cringed. “Oh! Um. Hi. It’s nice to see you.”
Thorax peered over the human’s shoulder. Standing behind him was another human. The second human was dressed in slacks a long-sleeve t-shirt, a grey and orange striped hoodie, and geeky glasses. Thorax stared. If it weren’t for the fact that the human holding him had mildly demonic features, the two could have been identical twins.
The normal-looking human had his arms crossed and a foot tapping angrily. “What … are you doing with my husband?” he demanded angrily.
The other human cringed again. “Dancing! See! Perfectly innocent!”
“He was inviting me to bed,” Thorax said flatly. “Wait! Husband? Is that you, Sec?”
Secundus nodded. “Eeyep.” He glared at the other human. “Put him down, gently, and back away. Now.” The other human did so.
“Where are we?” Thorax asked in confusion.
The other human cut Secundus’s reply off. “A world of pure imagination!” Secundus glared at him. “What?! It’s the perfect response!”
Secundus sighed. “I don’t know how in Equestria you got here, but we’re in my mind. Like what I’ve done with the place?” he said, gesturing at the world around him.
“Ooookaaay, I can sort of process that, but who the hay is he?” Thorax asked, pointing at the strange looking twin.
The twin looked affronted. “My name is beyond your ability to comprehend, morta-”
“His name’s Mal, because I was seven, and I thought it was funny.” Secundus said flatly. Mal glared murderously at Secundus. “When I’m yelling at him, I lengthen it to ‘Malectus.’”
“OK, but who is he?” Thorax asked.
Secundus sighed. “You’ve met him a couple of times. That time we danced in the storm, when he suggested how to ‘deal’ with Albert’s bullies, and a couple of other times. Apparently, my eyes turn yellow when he’s ‘driving.’ He switches from being my id to my ego to my superego depending on his mood, but he’s really just my imaginary friend.”
There was an audible “Twang!” as the last of Thorax’s sanity finally snapped. He started speaking in a calm, reasonable tone. “Let me see if I understand this. The reason I have thought that you are demonically possessed on occasion or have another personality this past year, the reason you have terrified Albert on two occasions, IS BECAUSE OF YOUR IMAGNIARY FRIEND???!!!” His scream echoed off the nearby buildings.
“That about sums it up,” Mal said mildly. “This is why he doesn’t introduce me to real people.”
Thorax was snorting angrily and looked like he was ready to charge them. Finally, his anger drained away, and he flopped to the ground. “I give up,” he muttered.
Mal snickered. “Wow. That went better than in any of my simulations.” He walked over and stuck out a hand. “It’s really nice to finally meet you. I’m sorry for freaking everyling out.” Thorax shook the hand. “Wow! Your hoof feels awesome! It’s not what I was expecting from a pony’s hoof at all!”
Thorax gave Secundus a confused look. Secundus sighed. “He’s not real. Therefore, he’s never been outside my head, therefore he’s never actually experienced physical sensation. You’re the first person or pony he’s actually touched. It would be an amazing experience if it’s your first time shaking someling’s hoof.”
Thorax nodded, too tired to answer verbally.
Mal said to Secundus, “You really shouldn’t have built a door into here. Anything, including me, could have gotten out.”
“I think it’s a one-way door,” Thorax said, not lifting his head up. “I couldn’t get back out.”
Mal seemed relieved. “Well, at least you didn’t wind up in the basement,” he said cheerfully. “No one might have ever seen you again!”
“Basement?”
Secundus sighed. “Everyone’s got a ‘downstairs’ in their mind, where they burry stuff. Since it’s actually a location here, I call it the basement. It’s not actually a basement.”
“No, it’s a hospital,” Mal said with an evil smirk.
“It’s a hospital?”
“Well, hospital/prison. It’s where he puts anything that troubles him too much. He’s threatened to send me there a couple thousand times, but I know all the shortcuts here,” Mal said. “All the patients/inmates are nightmares.” He pulled out a book and glanced through it. “Let’s see… he’s got five versions of his mother down there, fifteen of his father, 3,000 ways to die at the last count, and a couple of dozen movie monsters.” Mal noticed something in the book and screamed, dropping it like he’d been burned.
“What?” Secundus asked.
“The Corinthian and Springtrap are on guard duty this week,” Mal said in a worried tone. “You let those two guard the other nightmares?”
Secundus shrugged. “The more powerful the nightmare, the better a guard it makes. It was their turn. Besides, Springtrap makes amazing pancakes.”
“Mmm. I still say having a firewall of Weeping Angels was a bad idea,” Mal muttered moodily.
Thorax was feeling better, so he shakily stood up. “You two are like an old married couple,” he said with an amused snort.
“We are an old married couple,” they said in unison, “We’re the same person.”
“Well, sort of,” Mal said. “It’s kind of complicated.”
“Hey, would you do me a favor?” Secundus asked.
“What?” Thorax asked warily.
Secundus sighed. “Dance with him. All he’s wanted to do most of our life is dance, and he’s never even been able to touch anyone. Please try to imagine what that’s like.”
After Thorax pictured that kind of existence, he nodded.
“Take that costume off,” Secundus told Mal with a smirk.
Mal stuck his tongue out. “Like you could do better.”
“This is my costume, I’m going as myself. I very rarely get to do that. Have fun you two! Try anything funny, and I’ll kill you Mal. In fact, let me pick your first song!” Secundus finished with an evil grin.
“Don’t you da-” Mal shouted, but Secundus was gone.
Thorax listened to music playing. He recognized this song. “Isn’t that-?”
Mal nodded. “Countess Coloratura’s ‘Applause,’” Mal confirmed. “He went and did it.” He cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted at the sky, “I am NOT that desperate for attention!!”
“Yes, you are,” Secundus’s voice came from overhead. “Unless you want to put another quarter in the jukebox, I suggest you enjoy yourselves.”
Mal rolled his eyes and grabbed Thorax’s hoof, drawing him to his hindlegs. “Come on, my horse husband!” Once Thorax realized that Mal wasn’t going to try anything underhooved, he relaxed and genuinely began to enjoy himself. Mal obviously loved dancing as much as Secundus, but he was a much better dancer. Thorax had always been a good dancer, so it was nice to have a partner more on his level.
They danced to three or four of their favorite songs. Two from Secundus, two from Thorax. “You know my favorite songs?” Thorax asked with surprise.
“I know everything Secundus knows. Plus a few things he doesn’t, otherwise what would be the fun?” They danced like Thorax had never danced before, laughing and joking the whole time.
“You know, you’re actually not as bad as I thought you were.”
“No, he isn’t,” Secundus said from right behind Thorax. Thorax jumped. “Never gets old,” cackled Secundus. “He’s actually saved my life a couple of times, believe it or not. He usually gets me out of the trouble he gets me into. When he’s not ruining my life, he’s a really great friend. He really does care about me, even if it is in a slightly twisted way.”
Thorax chuckled. “So, this is your mind. It’s actually pretty cool. Kind of creepy, should I be worried?”
“This is my mind, we’re talking about,” Secundus said with a grin. “Were you expecting kittens and rainbows? Actually, we do have a lot of cats, but they’re all from Cheshire or Ulthar, so tread carefully around them.”
“I take it you’re leaving?” Mal asked.
Secundus nodded. “Yeah, I’ll be waking up any minute.”
“It was really nice to meet you Moosey,” Mal said with a smile. He grinned. “Ivnvnyvi! Pvvk gslhv blf olev xolhv gl blf, gsvb nrtsg yv tlmv hllm. Fmgro gsvm, R'oo yv dzgxsrm blf, hdvvg uozmph! R'oo yv dzgxsrmt!!”
Thorax blinked. “What language was that?”
Secundus sighed. “Enciphered Equestrian.” He elbowed Mal. “Can’t you even say ‘goodbye’ without being creepy?” he hissed.
Mal blinked. “No, of course not,” he said in confusion.
Secundus sighed. “Well, I’m glad you two didn’t kill each other. See you on the other side.”
Thorax came too groggily. He was lying on a soft, furry pillow … that was breathing. He quickly climbed off of Secundu’s stomach. Secundus quickly sat up. He looked at Thorax and said, “Before you ask, no that one wasn’t a dream. If you want to divorce me, it could be tricky. We were married under pony law, but we had a Draconequus witness it, and Draconequui divorce procedure is awful.”
“Why would I want to divorce you?” Thorax asked with a smirk.
“Because I just get weirder and weirder,” Secundus groaned.
“So. You’re Autistic, and you’ve still got an imaginary friend. I still don’t know what your job has you do either.” An incredibly guilty look crossed Secundus’s face. “Tell me everything,” Thorax commanded in a tone befitting a king.
“Everything?” Thorax nodded. “That could take a while. Well, in the Beginning was the Word, but before the beginning a council arose to determine-”
“Sec! I meant tell me everything about you!”
“Oh. Right.” Secundus cleared his throat. “I was born on a small rock farm in northern Minnesota. The winters were hard with no coat or shoes, but even as a young boy, I had a dream, that one day-”
“That’s strike two.”
Secundus momentarily regretted introducing Thorax to baseball. “All right, all right! I just don’t like talking about my past!” He sat down and began to talk…