//------------------------------// // If Water isn’t Condescending Enough, Talk to an Elf. // Story: A Raven’s Greatest Flight // by Chemtest //------------------------------// A group of eight pull the wagon as I take my break. I do have to instruct them on how to move in sync though, “Remember; 1-2-3-4, I love... umm, I can’t seem to remember what comes after.” One of them looks back towards me, “I love midget porn?” My eyes narrow as I look at him, “What the buck?” The Knight next to him looks back as well, “Permission to smack my friend before he says something else?” The original sayer looks around, “What can I say. Go to ‘Nam, come back with a-“ I nod, “Hit him, now. I don’t want to hear the rest of that.” *Clang!* He rubs his muzzle, “Hey, I was just trying to help.” I look down towards him, “Whats your name?” He looks back to me, “Gallow’s Wit.” I tilt my head, “Should I ask why your named that?” He shrugs, “Parents we’re hanged for hearsay, this is years ago when that was a thing. I managed to get myself out of it by telling a joke that the executioner found so funny, he let me go. That’s when I gained my mark, the noose formed to look like a smile.” I nod, “Well, that’s interesting. But still, there are some things that we don’t need to know. I ‘preciate the attempt, but we didn’t need to know that.” Wit shakes his head, “Something that can’t be turned into a joke? We don’t have time for mythical things like that. What’s next, Australia, Finland, Wisconsin, or Hitler’s death?” I smile a bit, “I might not understand what that means, but I can still sense the humor. You know what, continue on with the jokes. We need to lighten the mood.” I shiver a bit as a cool wind passes by. The Elves were to the south, so we shouldn’t get to cold in the near future. In fact, the Ponies live in the northern most place, so we should get warmer no matter what kingdom we go to. I think the plan is to tell the Elves, then Humans, than Dwarves. After all, any other order would be absurd. From north to south. I do not like the Elves. Condescending, arrogant, conservatives in all the wrong ways, very anti-technology and overall bas in my opinion. They think because they are ageless that they are better. I don’t think they remember the multiple others of different races who were also ageless. But the Elves are capable warriors, and craft the best swords, spears, and bows. Their armor isn’t half bad, but is easily outclassed by the others. They have little to no magic as well, and magic is versatile. They know every forest that ever existed, and can slaughter entire armies that step foot in their forests. Dangerous, stupid, arrogant, but loyal. If they say they won’t attack, they don’t attack. So, if this works, we should be able to stop any wars their in. And it’s now I notice we are in Elven forests. We have been for a while now. And now that I focus, I can feel eyes on us. More than just Elves though. The Elves finnaly come out to confront us, “Why are you pony children in our forests? Did you not read that we are at war, or do they not have newspapers where you’re from?” I look around at them, “We come to seek audience with your leader, Queen I think it was?” They shake their heads, “Then I’m afraid you quads will have to return back to your lands, now.” I hold out my hooves, “Gentleelves, surely you could allow us a few words? We walk peacefully.” They all draw their weapons simultaneously, “As I said, dirtlicker, you will go back, now. You quads simply could not behold our Queen if you were to lay eyes on her.” As soon as that statement finishes, I see figures fall out of the sky. All the Elves have daggers at their neck, or a crossbow against their head. Ponies, all in black cloaks obscuring everything but their wings. The Deceivers, here to help. I hear a familiar voice ring out from a Deceiver on the main Elf, “Now, I don’t much like hearing people insult us that way. How about an apology from you, and you take the Knights to your Queen.” The Elf smiles, “Caught us suprise, I’m impressed. But, you would be fools to assume we didn’t plan for this. And that’s what you are, fools. We have Rangers with their sights set on every one of you.” The Deceiver laughs, “Oh, you mean those Rangers who we drugged? You guys really should check your food, never know when someone will slip some Acid in there. I believe they are still trying to fight off the gingerbread men in the clearing back there.” The Elf looks a bit concerned, “Well, that’s why we have the Air Support ready to drop on you!” “If we managed to land here, what do you think happened to them?” The Elf starts to stammer, “W-what about the- the Dryads, yes!” The Deceiver laughs some more, “You are at war, the Dryads are off fighting!” The Elf starts to shake, “What about... fuck. Shit, you bested us. Alright, Queen damnit, I’m sorry! You managed to outsmart us, I respect that, I’m sorry.” The Deceiver moves his dagger closer to the Elves neck, “Now, what say I don’t believe you? Anybody can make their vocal cords say their sorry. But do you mean it, do these words have weight? Every word we say should carry meaning, else we’ve just wasted precious time in our lives, and the valuable air that will eventually disappear. So, I suggest making me sure of the weight of what you say.” The Elf tries to move his head back, “I’m sorry, I respect you! I will take you to the Queen myself! You bested me, I’ll help! Please, allow me to take you!” I can hear Wit behind me, “Wow, you want him to take you? What are you, fukin gay?” The Deceiver laughs, and all tension leaves as he sheaths his dagger, “Alright, I’ll trust you. Just know we will be watching.” All of the Deceivers take off into the air at once, leaving us two groups alone. I smile at the lead Elf, “Don’t mind them, after all, you drawed first. Now, I believe we have somewhere to be?” He nods, “Follow me, then, I shall lead the way.”