//------------------------------// // Chapter 9 - Competitions // Story: Off The Mark // by Goldfur //------------------------------// Steady knocked on the door of the library and we waited. I heard “It’s always open!” from the other side, fairly low to the ground. A few moments later, the door opened and a diminutive dragon looked up at us. “Can I help you?” I smiled. “You must be Twilight’s little brother Spike. Pleased to meet you. I’m Mark Wells.” Spike paused for a moment, then pointed at me with a single claw. Briefly, I felt a pang from missing the ability to do the same thing. “You’re the guy from Canterlot. The Grand Whatsit that got her so excited about stuff.” I was pretty sure he meant knowledge from my world and not kissing, but I was too smart to risk upsetting fire-breathing family members. “That’s me.” “She said you were…” He stopped as I frantically waved a forehoof back and forth that was out of Steady’s view. My eyes went wide and I glanced Steady’s way meaningfully. “…uh…a really great guy! Yeah, that’s it!” If it was possible for a dragon to sweat, he would have done so while looking sheepishly at Steady. For his part, my valet/best friend narrowed his eyes and looked between us. “Yep, that’s me. Say! Is Twilight in? I’ve got some spell books for her.” That put the dragon back on familiar ground. “Oh, that’s just great. So much for her getting any sleep this month. Nope, she’ll be back late tonight. She devours spell books like...” Spike paused and tapped one claw against his teeth. “Like hayburgers,” he finished. “Hayburgers?” I asked. “Obviously, you haven't seen Twilight’s restraining order. There's a reason the Hayburger doesn't have an all-you-can-eat buffet any more, and she's it. Two of the employees suffered nervous breakdowns on her last visit, and one of the customers got bitten. Not too hard,” he added. “He just reached for the ketchup at the wrong time. Right now, she's just biding her time with take-out until the restaurant management turns over, which at the rate they blow through employees should be in about a week.” He gave a low chuckle. “Then the Monster will be unleashed again. Come on in.” If my mind had been boggled at discovering that they put libraries in trees, it was nearly blue-screened by what I beheld inside. Room! Not only room to swing a cat, but a few ponies too. “Holy Doctor Who! This sucker is bigger on the inside than the outside!” Totally belying its outer dimensions, the interior of the tree was easily twice the diameter of what it could possibly be, leaving plenty of space for some furniture and a staircase, not to mention its raison d’être – books. This was some serious magic! I had to marvel at the interior of the library being exactly what Steady had described it to be. The carefully organized books rested on shelves that were apparently exactly the right size for the number of books present. Any open slot contained a checkout card waiting for the item to return. Spike gave me a strange look. “What about Doctor Whooves?” After a moment, he shrugged dismissively and said, “Go ahead and put them on the checkout desk. I’ll move them down to her laboratory later.” “It’s no trouble for us to take them down there.” “Nah. Better for no one but me to go to the basement. She gets all cranky when she finds anything out of place, though how she can tell in that mess, I have no idea.” Steady spoke up. “So naturally, you always move one item slightly whenever she’s out, just to mess with her.” Spike’s cheek scales actually blushed a bit, then he looked up appraisingly at my valet. “Sounds like you’re a younger sibling.” Steady nodded. “Youngest of five. The two eldest were complete neat and organization freaks. My favorite pranks were to replace photos in frames and to reverse the order of two nearly identical books in their private libraries. The books would take maybe five minutes for them to recognize and freak out about but the photo of Count Stirrup of Mount Chocolate would stay in its revered place for months.” Spike brightened. “Oh, yeah! I’m going to have to try both of those. Thanks!” “Don’t mention it,” the blue pegasus grinned. I remembered one detail from Trixie. “One of these books was written by Star Swirl, and Celestia has a personal note to Twilight in it about solving some problem inside.” He pulled that volume out of the pile and turned to the page with the note. After reading it, he gave me a flat glare. “Looks like I’m going to have to ‘misfile’ these books for a day so she can actually enjoy the inevitable Pinkie Pie Party tomorrow. Oh, and if you see her, would you remind her she still owes me page 15 from Power Ponies comic number twelve? She substituted for it when she delivered the last invitation.” I looked to Steady for help but just got a shrug. The young dragon looked up at us with a smile. “Anything else I can help you with?” “Actually, can you give us directions to our hotel? I don’t think we passed it on our way here.” “No problem!” Steady and I checked in at the Hearthbreak Hotel, and after carrying our bags upstairs, we decided to wander around town a bit before finding a place for a late dinner. The thatched roof cottages and small shops off of the town square reminded me of an idealized version of small-town America from the 50s. Plus, everypony was polite to the new ponies in town, some going as far as to call out, “See you at the party!” Apparently, everyone knew everyone else, and a new face meant a Pinkie Pie Party was in the works to change a stranger into a friend. The most unusual buildings were a tailor’s shop in the shape of a carousel and a bakery that looked like it was waiting for Hansel and Gretel to stop by to be eaten. According to one of the guards back at the castle (Flash Sentry, I think), craziness happened often enough in Ponyville to just be called “Tuesday,” so some eclectic architecture didn’t seem to faze the inhabitants in the least. We settled for the greasy spoon Spike had mentioned called ‘The Hayburger’ and it certainly lived up to the artery-clogging cholesterol-fueled yumminess as advertised. Between the two of us, Steady and I had almost devoured an extra-large order of fries when a whoosh of air sped past us between the tables. I blinked and noticed that my placemat had been replaced with a flyer. Steady looked suspiciously at the flyer in his hoof that had been a napkin just a moment before. I looked around and saw the other patrons glance at their new placemat, flyer sticking out of their book, or poster now in the window. They smiled and continued on with their conversations. Steady looked at me questioningly and I shrugged my shoulders. He got up. “Well, looks like I at least have some bathroom reading. Excuse me.” Picking up my former placemat in my greasy hooves, I saw a crude crayon sketch of two pegasi of approximately my and Steady’s colors in the center. Around the outside in pink crayon, the flyer declared ‘Welcome to Ponyville Pinkie Pie Party for Steady Flight and Mark Wells. Yay! Yay! The best time you’ll have all day! Noon Saturday at Sugarcube Corner! Check the Date! Don’t be Late! Celebrate A First Rate Pri-Mate Migrates To Consummate Soulmate!’ I blinked, but it made no more sense when I reread it. Checking a second flyer that had replaced the menu, I saw that every single mark was exactly identical to the one in my hoofs—down to the same shape and location of the tiny crayon-globs that made up the lines. Looking up, I noticed that the photo high on the wall of the two founders had been replaced with the image from the center of the flyer. I also noticed Steady coming back to the table. “That was quick.” He gave me a rather haunted look. “She got the toilet paper, too. I can wait until we get back to the hotel.” After paying, it was nighttime when we went outside. I was enjoying the night sky, much clearer with more detail now that we were away from Canterlot’s lights. Steady was apparently not impressed and instead studied his flyer. “What’s this about a soulmate?” “No idea,” I replied. I really didn’t want to get into the whole story about Twilight’s kiss. I recognized teasing material and knew better than to give any to the likes of this guy. He moved his lips for a while before he looked at me with a smirk. “Not to overstate, but lubricate before you impregnate.” My forehoof lashed out to clonk him behind his ribs. “Ingrate!” I accused. We shared the kind of laugh only good buddies can share. By unspoken agreement, both of us decided to invest our time the next morning in the most productive way possible: sleeping in for a change. When I finally woke up enough to accuse him of failing at valet-ifying by not having breakfast ready for me, he informed me that Pinkie Pie Parties were legendary for having unbelievably good food and we’d be better served waiting until then. I told him that would not excuse the lack of coffee to get my day started. With my token protest out of the way, we agreed to devote another hour attempting to unravel the secrets of pony hibernation. As Steady pulled out my clothes, I decided to go with my best court regalia, including the gold vest and tie with the pendant of office. When he enquired if the Lazy and Bossy Trixie would have wanted us to have been talking with the town’s residents from before sunup (a bit late to realize that, boyo), I told him that Pinkie did all the work for us. All we had to do was show up fashionably early and let the ponies come to us. Not our fault that the Element of Laughter was such a convenient labor-saving device. Getting to the bakery perhaps thirty minutes early allowed me to mingle and get to know some of the townsfolk before the party started. Pinkie was a whirling dervish of energy – getting the party ready while somehow serving customers at the same time. She gave me a pink, cotton-candy scented hug when I asked if there was anything Steady and I could do to help. “Nope! Your friend and neighbor Pinkie has it all under control! Just keep being friendly like you always are, Mr. Rodgers!” And she was gone. Wait. What did she just say? By the time the shindig started in earnest, I’d been shaking hooves with everypony in sight and hearing their good-natured tales about the frequent disasters that seemed to zero in on the locale. It appeared rebuilding was everyone’s second pastime. In between their generally-positive opinions of Trixie’s rule so far, I got an absolute nightmare-inducing amount of dirt on the mare. Gossip traveled fast in the countryside and the ears in Ponyville gathered up every mistimed spell and failed performance of her career. It might be possible that my clipboard contained more blackmail material than questions and concerns for her Highness. Tactical error on her part to send me out here, really. Can’t feel guilty about that. I also got some heartfelt thanks for pulling the plug on Flim and Flam’s scheme, along with the tale of their attempt to take over Sweet Apple Acres. I wondered if that would get me in good with a certain orange farm pony, but she and the other Elements were not present. When I asked the pink roller-skating party mare about that, she told me they could only make it to an after-party at the Golden Oaks Library later in the afternoon. Not surprisingly, she gave me a flyer for that party, too. I decided it was safest to put that one away without checking to see if it contained any more suggestively-worded passages. Steady also showed his worth by ferrying punch and various treats to me as I basically stood in place with a changing cast of characters coming to shore briefly around Grand Vizier Island. Note to self: cherry chimichangas rock! The most noteworthy pony I talked to was Mayor Mare, who wanted clarification on how quickly rebuilding funds could be released from the Royal Treasury. After going over her ledgers, I noticed how the cost of rebuilding each structure in town was always the same amount but that it required several delays and much back-and-forth before that number was settled upon. We agreed to have one of her assistants train at the Royal Assessor’s office under Miss Scares-Me-Down-To-My-Hooves (not her real name – still didn’t know what it is). Then the stallion would be able to give a final, official number within hours and funds could then be expedited. We even agreed to split the cost of the assistant’s training. Other notables were Bon-Bon, who promised me a selection of toffees and fudges when I stopped by her shop on Sunday; Octavia Melody, whom I had met briefly at the castle at one dignitary function or another; and a bright-green unicorn mare named Lyra Heartstrings. She seemed fascinated by me; though at no time did I feel she was coming on to me romantically – if that makes any sense. When the party wrapped up, Pinkie grabbed me and bounced off towards the library, pulling me along by happily holding my mane in her mouth. Several boxes bounced right along with the earth pony mare on her back, but somehow they didn’t fall off. Steady accepted Lyra’s invitation to go bowling and we agreed to meet up later at the hotel. Eventually, I persuaded Pinkie that I was going along willingly and dragging me there wasn't necessary. She didn't appear to be entirely convinced and eyed me skeptically, even as we arrived and she pushed the door open without looking forward. After that, it promptly swung closed. Stepping inside no more than a couple of seconds later, I saw streamers, balloons, a punch bowl, and more cupcakes than any five shows on Food Network. Did all that happen right before I opened the door? I didn’t see the boxes anywhere, but there was a party cannon of some sort next to the door, fortunately, pointing away from me at the moment. The backdrop was the just-as-amazing well-stocked library where the books appeared to rest in bookshelves that literally grew out of the walls of the library tree. A large banner across said bookshelves proclaimed ‘Welcome to Ponyville, Jafar!’ I puzzled over the wording until I felt a strong tap on my shoulder and turned around to see a very unamused Element of Honesty. “So what food was it again that caused yer amnesia?” I shrugged and gave a friendly smile. “I honestly don't remember.” Applejack snorted. “ 'Cause it never happened, I bet.” I grinned. “But am I lying?” She growled. “There ya go again. Ah think ya made the perfect career choice. Yer a born politician.” She then spat on the floor, lifted her head high, closed her eyes, and strode away. I shook my head. So much for exposing Flim and Flam’s scheme to the world swaying this mare’s opinion of me. Twilight was happy to see me at least! She waved from her side of the library then returned to discussing something with Spike. I wandered over to an ongoing conversation. “Just you wait, Rarity. I’ll be a junior Wonderbolt by this time next year, then a member of the varsity squad the year after that. I’ll also be the youngest squad leader by the time I’m done.” The white unicorn agreed with the rainbow-maned pegasus and excused herself. That left me with the Element of Loyalty, Rainbow Dash. “Hi, Miss Dash. I’m Mark Wells.” She didn’t bother looking at me and continued to hover a ways off of the floor. “Yeah. I’d be pleased to meet me too.” I snorted. “Looking for something?” She bobbed up and down slightly. At least this time she seemed to hear what I said. “Yeah. When’s Big Mac showing up with the good stuff?” I'm pretty sure I recognized her type. Time to find out if I was right. “Excuse me, I was hoping I could find someone to play a challenging game with me. Unfortunately, it takes someone with a high pain tolerance.” She stopped flapping and slowly drifted to the ground. If only I could master that trick! Her ears swiveled to point directly at me, then they seemed to draaaaaag her head around until she was looking me straight in the eyes. “Oh?” Interesting. No bluster at all from the mare defined by bluster. She was serious about competition. First of all, here are the rules for Red Hands/Hooves – Equestrian style. No horseshoes. A correct slap is the sole of the hoof against the pastern (the flesh just above the hoof). You slap to sting, not cause damage. If the slapper misses the slappee completely, they switch roles. The slapper is allowed to vibrate, twitch and try to set off the slappee, but is not allowed to start the movement of a slap. If they do, they switch sides and the new slapper gets a free shot. The slappee can pull their hooves away a bit without penalty. Only if they pull completely out of the way do they lose that round. Again, a free slap is the penalty. After the slapper wins five times in a row, you automatically switch sides. Applejack had been following my explanation closely. “I think Ah'd like to give this a try.” I glared suspiciously at this mare that had developed a healthy dislike of me. “Are you an earth pony?” “What of it?” “I hear your type can reduce a boulder to pebbles or uproot a tree with one blow, right? I'll pass.” The farm mare frowned. Rarity tittered. “He's on to you, dear.” The yellow Pegasus who had to be Fluttershy hid behind her mane but peeked one bright-blue eye out. Rainbow Dash and I sat on chairs facing each other. After we fixed the distance between us, she started out as the slapper. Her first two strikes were clean hits. I didn’t give her the satisfaction of showing any discomfort. “Ha! Looks like I’m already awesome at this game.” I anticipated her striking after the same time interval as her last strike and she missed, temporarily wiping off her grin. The moment her hooves were nearly over mine, I pounded them both by flipping over both of my hooves. “Hey!” she yelled. “Style points for going cross-hoof or double-hoof. Did I forget to mention…” I twitched. Her hooves flew back. She growled as they came back for a single free love pat. “…that?” My next attempt was a miss so we switched. “Who wants cookies?” I heard Spike bellow. Rainbow had used the distraction to get in a clean shot. “Darling! That was not fair! It should be his turn now,” complained Rarity. I just smiled, never taking my eyes off of my opponent. “Distractions are part of the game. Besides, if you aren't cheating...” I winked at Rainbow. “...you aren't trying.” “Darn straight!” she said, moving her hooves in a blur in time with the last word. I had anticipated this (because she hadn't tried it yet) and she missed. “Dang it!” She held her hooves out for the obligatory slap, which I faked three times, teasing her. Her eyes narrowed at my antics. “Alright, buster. Time to put you in your place.” At last, I gave her the required penalty slap. As before, she didn't flinch. Let me tell you something about the game some of you may also know as Hand Slap – if you haven't spent your high school and college years honing your technique. It's all about reading your opponent and their tells. Any competent player will be too fast for you to pull away after they start moving. Reaction time just isn't quick enough to get out of the way in the tenth of a second or so it takes to spin your hand, or in my case, hoof around. This mare had incredibly quick reflexes, but that hard and fast rule still applied. Slowly, it became apparent that she was getting a read on me. Two slaps to one... four slaps to one... then there was a long unbroken streak of her victories. One particularly strong blow on my now-sensitive pastern made me wince slightly. Rarity shook her head. “Rainbow, darling. Would you please take it easy on the poor stallion? You've amply demonstrated that you are superior at this savage game.” “No way!” She didn't stop looking at me for a second, even as her hooves continued to sporadically move in a blur and pound mine. “It was his idea to begin with. Not my fault I’m the best.” She put her hooves on top of mine after yet another string of five victories that necessitated a change of position. I paused and looked at her. “Alright, fine then. How about we make the last one a bet this time? For the championship and all the marbles?” Her upper body relaxed completely. I recognized this as a preview for her to be able to move with lightning speed. She grinned. “I'm game! What did you have in mind?” I smirked. “A kiss from you, wherever I want it.” Her smile disappeared and at that moment I moved. “Thwack!” She pulled her hooves back a moment too late. All her friends started chuckling at her expression as she gaped at me. It took her about two heartbeats to figure it out. She pointed an accusatory hoof. “Your shoulder twitch! It was all baloney, wasn't it! You were setting me up the whole time!” “I prefer to be known as 'Champ'.” I bounced my rear as I pranced away. “Aaaaaand you can go right ahead and kiss my behind, sucker!” Even Fluttershy was laughing now, but again, I think it was more at Rainbow Dash's face shifting rapid-fire between anger, disgust, and disbelief than at my antics. Applejack and Pinkie Pie were rolling on the floor. Rainbow hovered after me. “Come on. Best two out of three.” I lifted my head high. “N-n-n-n-n-ope.” For some reason, that made Rarity laugh louder but calmed down Applejack. “There’s gotta be something. I’d never live it down! Especially around these mares.” I slowed down and thought it over. A smirk appeared on my face then disappeared just as quickly. “Well-l-l-l, I suppose I could have pity on you just this one time.” She scoffed. “I don’t need pity. I just need to do something that’s a lot more awesome than… that.” She almost looked and waved a wing at my posterior but appeared to catch herself. I turned around fully to stare her in the eyes. I couldn’t hold back my smile any longer. “It’s simple. Just say ‘They’re called Wonderbolts because they’re always wondering what just happened.’ ” The rest of the mares went silent and looked at the colorful pegasus. Even Spike, in his apron and with a half-full cookie tray in his claws peeked around Twilight Sparkle to get a good view. Rainbow Dash’s jaw moved around like she was chewing a bitter handful of gravel. Ultimately she said in a small voice. “I can’t do that.” “Points for you!” I beamed. “I admire that kind of Loyalty.” She rolled her eyes. “Well, yeah. Duh! Element of Loyalty and all that.” “So that’s why you’ll only owe me twice as many kisses as the day before for each day that you don’t pay up. Sounds good?” She looked away from me and grumbled. “Fine, fine! Until then, you can just cool your fetlocks.” Twilight came up beside her. “Rainbow Dash, I don’t want to tell you what to do, but you might want to just get this over with.” She scowled. “Why? What’s so bad about waiting until tomorrow when it’s two kisses? Or next week when it is eight? By then I might be in the mood for being humiliated in front of my friends… again!” The unicorn shook her head. “I don’t think you understand the math. Tomorrow you would owe two kisses, the next day four, then eight, and so on. After a week, you’d owe 128 kisses. After two weeks, over sixteen-thousand. In a month, you’d be a billion kisses in the rear.” That earned her a glare. She grinned sheepishly. “Sorry. Figure of speech.” Pinkie Pie pronked up to Rainbow, an abacus in her forehooves. “Yepparoni! In fact, if you don’t pay up by day twenty, you could spend all day and night doing nothing but kissing his cutie patootie and never, ever, ever, ever pay off your balance of smooches.” Rainbow looked between the two, wide-eyed. After a few seconds, she slumped with a sigh. “OK, fine. I always make good on my debts, but just… not right now.” I heard coughing from the other side of the room. I looked over and saw Spike burp and a scroll appeared in the resulting flames. He grabbed it and looked it over. “Special Delivery for Twilight! Is there a Twilight Sparkle in the library?” He waved it around, turning every which way. “Does anyone know a frazzled, crazy mare named Twilight?” I caught Rarity’s eye and nodded towards the little dragon. “Does this happen often?” She smiled. “The sibling teasing or the dragonfire delivery of scrolls?” “Yes,” I replied. “Oh, absolutely.” The mare being paged gently bopped her younger brother on the head and gave him a mock glare before rolling the scroll open. Her eyes brightened and she smiled. “It’s from Princess Cadance!” As she read the letter, her smile fell. She appeared to re-read it once, then stared at me with one of those stares. Yes, you know exactly the kind I’m talking about. “YOU!” All conversation stopped as I instinctively backed up. In mere moments, I was trapped in the Self-Help section. Twilight rolled up the scroll and shook it at me. I wasn’t sure exactly what she was threatening to do with it, but I was sure I didn’t want to know. “You will take back your lies now!” From my left, I heard a drawl. “Well ain’t that a big surprise nopony saw comin’.” Gee, thanks for the support, Applejack. Realizing my attempts to phase through the bookcase were not working, I switched to using my recently sharpened negotiation skills to get out of the situation. “Uhhhh, what?” Twilight came up directly in front of me. Escape was impossible. “You will tell all of my friends that we never kissed, and then you will write a letter to tell Princess Kissance…” She closed her eyes and shook her head briefly. When she opened them, her angry expression was the same. “…Princess Cadance the same thing.” “Ooooooooo…” I heard from my right. Both Twilight and I turned to see Fluttershy, her face consumed with interest. She seemed to suddenly notice she was the center of our attention and disappeared behind her mane with a “Meep!” I had one forehoof up in front of my chest in a vain attempt to protect myself. So I did the obvious thing when a man is threatened with death or worse. “But you did.” Twilight surged forward until our noses almost touched. “You dare lie to me with those lips!” At that point, she seemed to realize where her lips were with respect to mine. With a jerk, she backed up a couple of feet. “We did nothing of the sort!” All the Elements were in a loose circle around us now, staring with interest but apparently not willing to intervene to save my hide. My eyes stopped on Pinkie, who was sharing a tub of popcorn with Applejack. I looked back to Twilight. “I Pinkie Promise that right before you teleported away…uh, the first time… from our meeting in Canterlot, you kissed me.” The mares’ eyes all got wider and, one by one, their looks all now focused on Twilight, who just stood there with her mouth hanging open. She recovered with a frowned and a glare. “Well, I Pinkie Promise that we never—” “STOP!” interrupted Pinkie Pie with an upraised hoof. Wait, did she have a vertically black and white striped umpire jersey on a second ago? And wasn’t her mane poofy instead of flat? “But—” Pinkie Pie looked more serious than any pony I had seen up to now. “Don’t go there, Twilight Sparkle. For on that path lies only pain.” Twilight’s jaw dropped open even wider. “Really?” She looked me up and down. “Really?!” OK, now, that was just rude. Pinkie’s mane popped back into its normal shape and she offered the popcorn to the purple unicorn. Twilight ignored it. “My first kiss, and I can’t even remember it?!” Time for some payback for threatening and insulting me. I smirked and put on my best nerdy scientist voice… OK… I tried as hard as I could to sound like Twilight. “Well, there’s only one way to settle this. Sounds like an in-depth, full-blown, double-blind study is called for. Double-blind means I close both eyes, right Twilight?” She opened her mouth at this blasphemy of the Scientific Method but I barreled on. “In the names of Science and Safety, I’ll put on a lab coat and goggles. Then I’ll just close my eyes and you mares can take turns kissing me.” All the girls except Twilight chorused “Ewww!” and most of them laughed. Spike made the universal pointing-a-claw-down-his-throat gesture. I noticed Rarity didn’t really have her heart in her protestation, though. “And every time I get my guess wrong, we’ll have to repeat the trial until I finally…” I made an exaggerated eye roll and sigh, “…get it right…” “EWWWWW!” Louder this time with more laughter. “…nine times out of ten.” Now everyone except for Twilight was laughing. Her mouth was twisted in annoyance and her friends guffawed even louder when they saw her. I ambled up to the purple unicorn. “So, Miss Twilight.” I held up a hoof. “Would you give me the pleasure of this dance and submit to doing wonderful, beautiful, sensual science together?” I grinned, but her expression made my smile slip. About a half-second too late, I realized I might have pushed her sense of humor a bit too far. “I have a better idea since you are so hot under the collar.” Her horn lit and she was replaced with blue sky. In fact, there was blue sky everywhere. I looked down and saw trees briefly then water rushing towards me. Instinctively, I spread my wings and accelerated… in the direction I was looking. It really wasn’t all that bad of a landing. I was used to trees, walls, fountains, and other pegasi by now, and since I didn’t knock my breath out with a belly-flop, I was in better-than-average post-crash physical condition. OK, fine. I was desperate for a win and decided that was close enough, OK? I tried using my flight magic to pull me up from ten feet underwater, but that didn’t work. Instead, since I was already standing on the bottom of the lake, I maneuvered myself upright then pushed firmly off of the gravel below me. With a couple of kicks of my legs, I reached the surface without any difficulty. After taking a few breaths, I looked around and found the nearest shoreline was maybe a hundred feet away. I settled into a backstroke to keep my muzzle as far out of the water as possible and to conserve energy. Moments later, I heard a whistling sound followed by Rainbow Dash hovering above me. “Dude! Are you dead?” I shot the Pegasus a glare. “Do I look dead to you?” She seemed to think about that for a bit. “Well, yeah, kind of. You’re flat on your back. Don’t know how you’re moving in the water though. No pony swims like that.” I suppressed a grin. “Want to know the secret?” Her face split with a smile and I waved her down as I stopped using my forelegs for my strokes. She hovered just a hair above where I could reach, so I settled for my second-best option. I raised both my forehooves in the air and thrust them down into the water. The resulting splashes almost caught the surprised pegasus, but she zipped out of the way then floated back to the same spot. She even got a little closer, daring me to try to grab her. “Nice one. Don’t make me drop rocks on you.” I paused in my motions and looked up at her incredulously. “Seriously? You go from worried for my life to threatening it the next moment?” She floated upwards a bit with her trademark grin. “Yep! Try to keep up, slowpoke.” I shook my head as much as my partially-submerged position would allow. As I resumed swimming, I heard “Mark! Mark!” coming from the shore in the direction of my travel. Rainbow looked up. “About time they got here. Twilight got terrified when Rarity pointed out you might not know how to swim.” She looked back at me. “So are you going to act all half-drowned when you get to shore?” I squinted at her. “No?” She smirked. “Then you’re an idiot. I bet that would get Twilight to kiss you again.” I smirked back. “Double or nothing I can get Twilight to throw me back in the lake in fifteen minutes?” “Ten.” “Twelve.” “Deal.” She made to clop hooves to seal it but looked in my eyes first. “Yeah, deal,” she repeated then zoomed off. Crap! I could have used some company swimming the final leg. I should have been more surprised when ten seconds later, Pinkie Pie walked out next to me on what looked like pontoons – one for the left legs, one for the right. “You doing alright there, wet pony? I can put you in my pocket for the trip back.” I smiled in terror. “No, no, no! Thanks anyway, Pinkie. Actually, I’m kind of enjoying the swim… but don’t tell anypony, please.” “Are you kidding? No pony can keep a secret like I can! I can tell that’s a secret you should only tell your friends.” With that, she stepped out of the pontoons and plummeted under the water’s surface. Briefly, I wondered if she meant my friends or her friends. A minute or so later, I heard the lapping of water next to my head. Looking to the side, I could see that I was finally in the shallows. I rolled over and was able to walk my way onto the shore. I was pleasantly surprised to feel the weight of my medallion of office still around my neck. I wasted no time taking it off and starting to remove my sodden clothing. I was thinking that this was a bit weird, getting naked in front of six mares and a baby dragon, but I guess the place was seriously rubbing off on me. I was even comfortable enough to give a little jab at a certain mare. “Gee, Twilight. Don’t you have a more subtle way to ask a stallion-friend to disrobe?” She let out a nervous laugh, but I could tell from her eyes that she was genuinely concerned. “I’m so sorry, Mark. I had no idea if your birth species could swim. From my studies of simians and yetis, I was certain I had drowned you!” “Wait, what now?” asked Applejack. Rainbow Dash craned her neck down to look at the purple unicorn. “What the hay, Twilight? Do you need glasses or something? That right there is obviously a standard, ordinary, run-of-the-mill clueless pegasus stallion.” “Who happens to be called ‘Champ,’ ” I snarked. The mane on the pegasus’ neck bristled, and she glared at me. “OK, maybe not 100% ordinary… but only maybe.” “See that, girls? Any standard, run-of-the-mill stallion can get the best of Rainbow Dash.” “Oooooooo,” repeated Fluttershy. This time she hid behind her mane before anypony looked her way. The Element of Loyalty started to drift closer threateningly while Pinkie munched on more popcorn that I’m sure she didn’t have a moment ago. Sadly, Twilight had to ruin our fun. “Anyway! Getting back on topic! Mark Wells was born to a nearly hairless bipedal race called ‘humans.’ He came here through a dimensional portal and is now stranded in Equestria.” Remind me to send some flowers to Twilight for not mentioning the whole breaking-while-entering thing. I guess the edible kind rather than the pretty kind. Was it possible to be both? Pinkie’s voice brought me back to reality (such as it was). “You mean you all didn’t already know?” OK, reality is seriously overrated. I asked, “So explain to me how you knew, Pinkie?” Everypony gave me a flat look and shook their heads. Twilight, of all mares, spoke up. “It’s really safer on your sanity just to grin and say ‘That’s just Pinkie.’ Trust me.” After seeing something in Pinkie’s eyes that tickled my human survival instincts, I nodded my agreement. Spike changed the subject away from the dangerous. “Aren’t humans those beings with the stubby clawed appendages that Lyra keeps obsessing about? She’ll go completely Twilight-level-eleven bonkers when she finds out.” Before I could explain what fingers were, Twilight spoke up. “That’s right, but unfortunately, she must never know. Mark is doing a great job keeping fake-alicorn Trixie on an even keel, and the news of his origins would cause havoc, possibly destabilizing the Court. But as we are Equestria’s first line of defense, all of you deserve to know. Would you all mind making a Pinkie Promise not to reveal his secret?” There were nods all around, and all seven of them went through the motions I had first seen in the Portal Room. Somehow, Rainbow Dash got in an ‘I’m watching you’ gesture in the middle of hers. “Well thanks, ladies. I appreciate it.” Then I looked at Pinkie. “Was it your idea to have this after-party to let the rest of the Elements know, or Twilight’s?” They both said the name of the other mare simultaneously, then looked at each other, and they both said 'it was mine', again at the same time. I shook my head. Meanwhile, Applejack took off her Stetson. “Well, I figured you was a bit different from other folk, but I didn’t well know how much. I apologize if my accusations made ya uncomfortable.” “That’s fine. You were spot on, actually.” The earth pony mare glared at me as she slowly put her hat back on. “Ummm, excuse me, Mark Wells, sir?” It took me a moment to realize that it was Fluttershy who had finally decided to talk with me. “Yes, miss?” She actually blushed while asking a question. “Does your world have talking animals? Or ponies at all?” “No other sapient species besides humans, sorry. And yes, we have everything from Clydesdales to miniature ponies as far as equines go. None of them are smarter than your average domesticated animal, though.” She seemed to shrink in on herself a bit. “Oh… oh, I see.” Suddenly, I felt an irresistible urge to comfort this mare. I was certain a single tear would destroy my will to live. “Although, humans feel a great deal of love for their pets.” “Pets?” she repeated, her ears perking up again. “Yes, yes. Dogs, cats, hamsters, snakes, lizards, tarantulas, all sorts. And that doesn’t even count the sport and farm animals like cattle, goats, oxen, and all varieties of horses.” “And turtles?” asked Rainbow. “Yep.” “And alligators?” asked Pinkie Pie, thrusting a tiny toy of one into my face. Actually, scratch that. It slowly blinked at me. I pulled back a bit. “No. Actually not. They get to be a lot more rambunctious when they get older and bigger.” “Awwww…little Gummy here wouldn’t hurt a fly, wouldya, wouldya, wouldya?” She caressed the possibly stunned reptile for a moment then shoved it into her mane. Apparently, I was the only one that thought this was strange because Rarity spoke up without hesitation. “So tell us, darling. Since you’ve been gathering the opinions of us ponyfolk all day, why don’t you give us your impressions of the six of us.” The little dragon spoke up. “Hey!” “…and Spike, of course.” Nice recovery, Rarity. “Spike’s a cool dude, and I think he understands a lot more about what’s going on than ponies give him credit for.” He beamed. “As for you mares… well, I don’t know. You are all pretty cool actually, and fun to be around.” That seemed to have the opposite effect than what I expected. They all looked at each other with disbelieving faces. Twilight spoke up. “So…you’re not intimidated by us?” I looked at her in confusion for a moment before I saw the light. “Ah. Let me guess. Are you saying that because now that the Royal Sisters are gone and Cadance went off to the Crystal Empire, that leaves you six as the most powerful force in Equestria? And that stallions don’t like being reminded how all of you working together or separately can kick their asses seventeen ways to Sunday?” All of them looked uncomfortable. The white unicorn spoke up. “I wouldn’t have put it…quite that way, but that is the gist of it, I suppose.” “Well, they don’t know what they’re missing. This is the most fun I’ve had since I got here.” I noticed Rainbow Dash miss a couple of wingbeats then drift to the ground. The mares all looked at each other in a similar way to how Flim and Flam did in Day Court. Wordlessly, they seemed to come to a decision. Fluttershy asked, “Ummm… if you don’t mind… and please tell me if you do, because that would be just fine…” The blue pegasus mare made ‘keep going’ motions with her hooves for some reason. Fluttershy looked back at me. “…ummm… would your species happen to be the herding kind?” Well that came out of left field. “Nah. Pretty much strictly monogamous for life.” The mares then seemed to all share a decidedly different look with each other. Whatever. Rainbow Dash took the initiative with the conversation. “So what sports were you really good at in your world?” I thought back. “Well in high school, I was pretty good at long distance running and decent at shot put. My best sport was swimming, though.” “So you think you are a faster swimmer than me?” I thought back to how horses swam on Earth, and how my joints’ extra flexibility would allow me to swim basically the same way I always had. If ponies swam with the doggie-paddle style here… I smiled and lowered my head to look her in the eyes. “I doubt I’m the fastest swimmer in Equestria, but with one little stipulation, I think I’m certainly the fastest swimmer here. Care to prove me wrong?” If her face was anything to go by, it was like she had just hit the Triple Happiness Jackpot on the Slot Machine of Life. “You’re on, buster. Double or nothing?” I nodded. Her mouth took on a predatory grin. “Now go get your staple-thing and we’ll get started right now.” “Actually, a stipulation is a proviso, an extra condition, something to even the playing field, as it were…” “Yeah, yeah, fine. Name it.” “I’ll need Twilight Sparkle to throw me out into the lake for a head start.” “WHAT! But… but… why?” I started to pace back and forth, grinning the whole time. “Well, you are supposed to be the best athlete here, aren’t you? And I just survived a near-death experience, so you can’t expect me to be at my absolute best.” She held out a very sympathetic hoof, which looked really uncharacteristic, actually. “Why don’t you take a breather then…say…five more minutes to rest up.” Applejack said, “Are you stalling, Sugarcube?” “No, no! I’m just…concerned that Mark may not be at a hundred percent is all and…uh…” Twilight walked up next to me and stared at me pointedly. “You want me…to throw you out in the water?” I nodded. “As far as you think is fair.” She looked between Rainbow and me, then nodded. Rainbow growled for a few seconds. “OK, fine. Whatever. Let’s just get started already.” Rarity had been scanning the lake. “Do you all see the branch that is floating about halfway out on the lake? First to swim around it and get back to the shore.” I looked out. It was clearly visible and appeared to be about a hundred feet out, but in a different direction from the one I had taken. “I see it.” I heard “Me too,” from right next to me on the shore. She was already crouched down, ready to start. Bracing myself, I felt Twilight’s magic surround me. I was rehearsing the movements in my head to dive into the water and carry my momentum as far as I could take it. “Fluttershy, you get to start them off,” I heard the cowpony say. “Oh. Oh. Really? Do you really want me to?” “Yep. It’s easy. Just say ‘Ready, Set…’” “Go?” I should have expected that, really. Rainbow Dash did, and she was off like a shot, plunging into the water. I waited, tense and focused, then felt my body lifted for a tiny little hop. I looked down. Maybe an inch, if I was being generous. I tried to lean forward but my body and tail were still held in the purple unicorn’s magic. I looked at her and her eyes glittered back at me. “I think that distance is about fair. Oh, did I not do what you expected?” Crap. That girl was just too darn smart. I heard the splashing from the lake suddenly stop. “Mark, what the hay?” “Lover-mare here doesn’t want to let go of my tail.” “Twilight, you let him go. I need to kick his flank fair-and-square. Look, I appreciate the support, but I want to do this my way, OK?” I felt the magic release me. I mouthed the word “jealous” to Twilight but got no reaction out of her. Ah, too bad. No rocket-propelled assist. I stretched luxuriously and took my sweet time to walk down to the water’s edge. I put in a hoof and pulled it back. “Hey! That water’s cold!” I heard chuckles behind me but the wet blue Pegasus just waited with a scowl. I realized then that she was standing on her back legs because the lake must still be shallow there. I trotted into the water until it was up to my shoulders, then I started a nice, slow breaststroke out to where Rainbow was waiting. As I got close, I saw her rotate her body back to a swimming position. “Are you ready?” I asked. “Been ready for hours,” she said, her muscles tensing. My smile might have put her off slightly. “You just think you’re ready.” With that, I exhaled, dropped under the water, streamlined my body by tucking in my wings, and pushed with my back legs as hard as I could. With the unexpected burst of speed, I coasted to a full body length lead by the time I breached the surface. I then shifted to a relaxed overhead crawl stroke. The flutter kick worked the same as when I was a human and I found my shoulder flexibility more than sufficient to make the required motion without excessive body roll. Fortunately, after just a few tries, I also figured out my head placement so I could side breathe while not creating excess drag or interrupting my rhythm. Meanwhile, Rainbow’s hooves flew like mad in her standard horsey paddle, turning the lake water to a froth and letting her slowly pull up alongside me. I could occasionally hear cheers from the beach as we got closer to the branch. Both of us reached it at the same time, but she had the inside track and was a half-body length ahead by the end of the turn home. I could now hear the cheers clearly. Time to put up or shut up. I could only guess what my vo2 max was in this form, but I was betting on my muscles feeling the same as they did when I was a human. I punched up my pace to well above that level, knowing it was then a matter of whether the lactic acid shut my muscles down before I reached the shore. With my faster pace, I soon left an unhappy pegasus in my wake. My forelegs and hind legs were burning now, but I was confident they would not give out. Just then I heard a buzzing sound behind me and, looking to my left, got a face-full of water as the mare zoomed by, her wings fully out of the water and moving at incredible speed. The wake from her body passing mine threw me off my rhythm and I struggled to regain it. When I finally dragged myself up the shore and sat down completely spent, Rainbow was high-fiving and whooping it up enthusiastically with her friends. Spike was there to give me a sincere few claps of applause. “Amazing race, dude. You might be wrong actually. I’ve never seen any pony cut through the water like that.” “Except for Rainbow Dash, you mean.” He grinned. “Well, yeah. Obviously.” “But how did she do it? Water-logged wings are supposed to be useless for getting any kind of lift.” The aforementioned mare alighted next to me. She held out her wings proudly. “That’s because I dried them off first.” She proceeded to vibrate them at that incredible speed. “After that, it was a matter of getting forward thrust without pushing me into a dive or lifting me off the water, which would have been a DQ.” She smiled. “If I didn’t need to win so bad, I probably would have taken hours to figure it out. So thanks, dude.” I got back to my hooves and wobbled a bit. Rarity came up and gave me a hug. “That was absolutely exhilarating, darling! The most thrilling race I’ve seen in ages! I hope you aren’t upset at Rainbow’s… ahem… bending the rules.” I shook my head. “Not at all. It’s not like I didn’t have wings of my own.” I demonstrated weakly. “There was nothing in the rules outlawing them either. Besides…” I shared a grin with the blue Pegasus. “If you aren’t cheating…” “…you aren’t trying!” she finished, raising a hoof for me to clop. Then, of course, pulling it away when I tried to reciprocate. “Too slow!” This got some laughs from her friends. “I thought we settled that one already?” I said. Applejack smiled at me. “Boy, howdy! You sure know how to run yer mouth when it’s a bad idea, don’tcha? Yer more fun than a swarm of parasprites in a pear orchard!” Rainbow turned around and came up to my face. “Actually, I prefer to be called ‘Champ’.” “Oooooooo.” Neither of us had to look to know who said it that time. I shook my head slightly. “I’m afraid not. Miss Twiggie Sprinkle is still the best kisser in your group, so she’s the Champ of my heart.” Twilight rolled her eyes but smiled a bit, which surprised me. Maybe I was starting to wear off on her. In front of me, Rainbow shoved me on one shoulder. I rocked back in place then everything happened quickly. She ducked underneath me and used my momentum to roll me over that same shoulder. I landed flat on my back and she gripped my head. One hoof sealing off my nostrils and her mouth covering mine. Then she inhaled. Did I mention that pegasi are high-altitude flyers? And that their lung strength and capacity increases with practice? My lungs now felt like they were exposed to the harsh vacuum of space while Rainbow doubtless had two lungfuls of air. And her smiling eyes let me know exactly how badly I had been had. I tried to roll over, to pull my lips back, to push her one way then the other, but she was very strong and knew how to use leverage. The hoots and hollers from her friends were not helping me one bit, either. As I started to see blackness at the edges of my vision, I tried to tickle her barrel, but while this made her quiver and shift position slightly, I could not take further advantage. When my vision narrowed to just being able to see her eyes, I weakly tapped the ground next to her three times, hoping this was a universally recognized gesture. It was. Spike helped me to a sitting position while I gasped oxygen back into my system. After accepting another set of very loud congratulations, the mare sauntered back up to me. “So, what do you have to say now, Mark Wells?” Pinkie Pie now had sunglasses, a lounger, and a fold-out lap reflector to sun the underside of her chin, I suppose. “Yeah. So what have you learned today?” It didn’t really hit me at the time, but this was the first time Rainbow Dash had used my name. I turned to Twilight and held out my hoof dramatically. “Dearest Twilight Sparkle. Twinkle of my Soul. Our romance was a brief but passionate one. However, now another has stolen my heart, as well as my breath.” The purple unicorn actually laughed at one of my jokes. “With that kind of hammy delivery, it’s a wonder you aren’t paired up with Rarity.” Applejack said. “Nah. He’s just been spending too much time with Trixie is all. Picked himself up some bad habits.” Fluttershy offered, “Well, I don’t know about all of you, but I sure had fun. Maybe we can all do this again tomorrow?” This was met with a more somber mood. “’Fraid not. Apples won’t pick themselves.” “I’ve got day shift on the weather team.” “I have a fashion order that I’ll need to work on all night and all tomorrow as it is.” “I have to plan the next Welcome to Ponyville Party to be even more splenderific than this one!” Twilight offered, “Well, at the risk of getting teased by my friends…” “Poacher!” yelled Rainbow Dash. “…I should have some time free—” Spike finished for her. “That will be 100% taken up by studying the homework that Celestia gave you.” Her head spun around. He continued. “Her hoof-written note about the unfinished spell in Starswirl’s spell book?” After about one second, there was a burst of light and she was gone. Spike sighed. “It was too good to last. I’d better get back to the library. She’s going to forget to eat again.” I gathered up my things and poked at Rainbow Dash with a hoof. “Hey, Champ! Do you know a spot in town with good beer?” She smiled back. “Hah! And don’t you forget it! Yeah, I know just the place.” “Fantastic. Let’s just rescue Steady Flight from Lyra at the Bowling Alley. I’ll get some dry clothes, then you can show me the town.” Her smile slipped for a moment, then it returned. “Sounds good. The more the merrier!” We set off at a slow pace that, much to Rainbow’s annoyance, became even slower as my muscles reminded me that they had not quite recovered completely. Extricating Steady from the bowling alley proved to be trickier than expected. He and Lyra had just started the deciding game of a three-game match, and I didn’t want to spoil their fun. Instead, Rainbow and I were encouraged to bowl a game while we waited. “Have you ever bowled before, Mark?” Steady asked after I had acquired bowling shoes to slip over my hooves. I had done so with Phil many times and was reasonably good for a social bowler. That was when I was a biped and had hands though, and I already knew how hard it was to stand on just my hind legs to walk, let alone try to bowl at the same time. And then there was controlling the ball with a hoof instead of fingers. I decided to play it safe. “I know how to play, but I can’t say I can actually bowl.” “Just watch how I do it, and then try to copy me,” he advised. I was in the lane next to his, so I was able to watch closely. Aside from the weirdness of a quadruped assuming a bipedal stance, there was frankly little difference between pony and human bowling. The only mystery was how he controlled the ball, achieving a well-judged spin that resulted in a strike. “And that’s how you do it,” Steady said with a smug grin in the direction of Lyra. “Show-off! Don’t count your win just yet,” the mare replied. Rainbow had agreed to be my partner for the game, and she replied, “That’s right, Lyra. Let’s show these stallions how it’s done!” Of course, she probably had only agreed because she knew it would give her one more opportunity to show her superiority over me. She proceeded to demonstrate exactly that and bowled first. She knocked down nine pins with her first roll, and picked up the spare with her second. She smiled smugly as she went to mark down her score. Time to see if I could get through this without being a total dork. I picked up a ball – odd for not having any finger holes, but otherwise just like any other bowling ball I had ever seen. It was even a nice shimmery green to go with my coat color. I promptly dropped it. It was a lot more slippery and heavy than I had anticipated, and my days-old knowledge of how to pick things up with hooves had not properly compensated. “You might want to start with a lighter ball meant for novices,” Rainbow said with a smirk. That stung my pride, so I focused a lot of effort into picking up the ball and holding it firmly. I would not drop it again and give her the satisfaction of having another dig at me. Walking on just three legs, I positioned myself in front of my lane and then rose up on my hind hooves, the ball held firmly in both forehooves while I got my balance. You would think that someone who had spent most of his life on just two legs would be better at this, but a pony’s sense of balance was a lot different from that of a human’s. Nevertheless, I steadied and focused on the pins ahead of me. I wouldn’t try to do any fancy spinning – just a straight power shot placed in exactly the right position. I took a wobbling step and firmed my hold on the ball to maintain control of it, swung my foreleg back as I took the next step, then powered through the forward swing as I crouched down to release… I found myself flying down the lane with the ball still firmly attached to my hoof. Between my light pegasus frame, the weight of the ball, and my determination not to drop it, I had managed to launch myself towards the pins. The lane was well-oiled and I skidded down it with the ball’s momentum dragging me along. I couldn’t get myself to let go, and I squeaked in terror as I hurtled towards the pins. With a loud crash, I barreled through them to come to a painful halt at the back, flying pins landing on top of me and one nearly braining me. Dizzily, I looked up to see the attendant behind the lanes scowling at me. “Players must keep off the lanes!” the stallion snarled. “Sorry,” I replied woozily. The unicorn lifted me out of the lane with his magic and pointed me to the door at the side. I tottered back to the players’ area to find Rainbow rolling on the floor, laughing her ass off. Steady merely grinned and said, “I thought you didn’t know how to bowl? You got a strike with your first roll!” “Yeah – too bad it was a foul,” Rainbow promptly added. “Let’s see you get a strike with your head this time,” I shot back as I walked off. “Where are you going? Giving up already?” she said slyly. “Nope. Finding a foal’s ball. I can’t humiliate myself any worse tonight.” And if I could beat that super smug mare with that, maybe it would knock her down a peg or two. Mark ‘Crash” Wells was not going down without a fight! # # # # # # # # #