Down With the Pastryarchy

by kudzuhaiku


Chapter 22

“This is a matter of negotiation,” Twilight said in a booming, commanding voice. “I’ll do everything in my power to make this fair, if you’ll allow me. In fact, I’m willing to give you one-hundred percent of brand new market value. I’m confident that my offer is a good deal.” She glanced around to gauge their reactions and her gaze fell upon an earth pony who had a fierce glare.

“My name is Jolt Sparkheim, of the Sparkheim Industrial Consumer Goods Consortium. We manufacture the ovens and much of the electrical appliances to be found here. I can tell you right up front, my answer is a firm and resounding ‘no.’ We’ve also supplied the cameras, the film, much of the audio equipment, and in short, we’re primarily responsible for making this possible. I will not have my rights intruded upon. Now, respect my decision… and go.

Twilight waited, but it seemed that the others didn’t have much to say. She wondered if they feared reprisal; anypony who cooperated with her might have trouble doing business with the Sparkheim Industrial Consumer Goods Consortium in the future. Or they could be raked over the coals by their shareholders. Twilight was a firm believer that the stock market was a dreadful mistake, and she longed to abolish it—if only she was allowed to do so. Compound interest was a force that might one day destroy all of Equestria.

“For too long, Princess Celestia has been smashing any successful business that has grown too large. My own family lives in fear of what she might do to us. We’re a family business and the inevitable attack that is coming is an attack on family. My family.” Jolt pressed his front hooves together just below his chin and took a deep breath. “Princess Celestia’s active efforts to ‘bust all trusts’ has certainly busted our trust in her. I have seen whole families gutted and left destitute because of her efforts. Whole livelihoods destroyed. We have rights! We’re the movers and shakers that provide the wealth that makes Equestria what it is.”

Extending her wing, Twilight pointed at Jolt with her primaries. “Very well, let’s talk about rights, shall we? You’ve convinced me to come around to your way of thinking. Perhaps a mistake has been made. So let’s have a conversation about rights.” Glancing about, Twilight was forced to hide a truly wicked grin when she saw the light of hope flare to life in the eyes staring up at her.

“You… a princess talking about rights. Do these even matter to you? We, your subjects, we only have the rights you see fit to give us and these rights are subject to change without notice, at a whim. It’s intolerable.” A mare with her forelegs folded over her barrel stared up at Twilight with nothing but raw contempt.

“Your rights end when you begin hurting others.” Twilight’s words held a remarkable calm and her expression was that of a patient schoolmarm. “To that end, let’s talk about the rights of workers. If I were to conduct a thorough investigation of your companies right now, how many violations would I find? How many health and safety violations would I uncover? Or better yet, how about I turn my mother loose and let her investigate? I think we all know what she did to Equestria’s bureaucracy. So much corruption uncovered. What might she find during an investigation of your business practices?”

Nopony, not even Jolt, would meet her eye now. Each of them looked away, staring off in different directions. Twilight fought to control her anger, because somehow, this response was worse than being stared at with contempt. This was practically an admission of guilt—at least by her own estimation. This was an acknowledgement that things weren’t on the level and they were fully aware of the violations. Not a single one of them could look her in the eye.

“So… who wants to cooperate… I’ll give you fifty percent of market value… new.”

When there were no takers, Twilight let out an audible sigh. “Fine. Let’s keep talking about rights, shall we? Consumer and customer rights. Can any one of you look me in the eye and tell me that the company that you represent is fully honest and transparent in their dealings? Come on… surely somepony works for a company that seeks the betterment of Equestria.” She waited, allowing the moment to stretch into something almost agonising. “No? Really? Nopony? So let me get this straight, you’re demanding your rights—and that’s fine, I respect that, I really do—but all of you seem aware that you’re complicit in violating the rights of others. Shall I have Seville run a front page story encouraging the public at large to come to me for a face-to-face meeting so they can tell me how they’ve had their rights violated?”

Finally looking Twilight in the eye, Jolt spat out the words, “Fuck you, cunt.”

“So… your rights are important, but the rights of your workers? Not so much. Your rights are paramount… but the rights of consumers and customers? Not worth your time, apparently. Don’t think this won’t go unanswered. I will give you twenty-five percent of used market value”—she pointed at Jolt once more with her extended primaries—“except for you. One percent of used market value and as an extra added bonus, I’m going to be the one dismantling your company now that I’m in charge of domestic policy. It will be learning a experience, I’m sure. I’m not going to just rip your company apart, Mister Sparkheim… no, I am going to let the legal system tear you to shreds after I empower your employees, your consumers, and your customers. I will see every shady dealing uncovered and every slimy act accounted for. I will have every dirty dealing ferreted out. I want to let the little ponies know that they have rights and that I want to protect them. I can think of no better way to send that message.”

“This did not go as planned,” a mare said in a harsh whisper to Jolt Sparkheim, who sat beside her. “You promised—”

“Shut up!”

Intrigued, Twilight wondered what had been promised, but did not press the issue. She began to walk the length of the table, looking down and studying different faces as she passed. After the length of the table had been walked, she turned around and began to go the other direction.

“Princess Celestia stays very busy with the war and the world at large,” she said, sharing her thoughts aloud. “I’ve been a bit bored lately. In my own little demesne, things run like a well-oiled machine. It doesn’t require much effort on my part. So… I guess you could say that I’m a mare in need of a hobby. I want all of you to go back to your companies, to your corporations, and I want you to tell them that I am coming… I’m on the warpath. Clean up your acts and run a responsible business. Businesses should not be run like corrupt fiefdoms. Give me a reason, and I burn you to the ground. Do good, do right, run your businesses with the Virtues, and the Crown will do business with you. Behave contrary to the Virtues… and I will make it my equinal mission to destroy you.”

“Uh”—one stallion raised his hoof, as if he was a colt attending school once more—“what are the Virtues?”

“I’m glad you asked,” Twilight replied, while smiling a broad, friendly smile in his direction. “Laughter, Loyalty, Honesty, Generousity, Kindness, and Magic. Keep your employees and your customers happy. Be attentive to their needs and you will have their devotion in return. Be honest and forthwith in your dealings. Be generous… it won’t kill you to help an imperiled bake-off. Be nice… see, if you had been nice to me, you’d’ve all left here with one-hundred percent new market value for your goods. That’d’ve been magical, wouldn’t you agree?”

“So you’re proposing that we sacrifice our bottom lines for goodwill?” the stallion asked.

“Yes!” Twilight offered up an enthusiastic nod with her exuberant response.

“And what would be the tangible market value that we’d get in return for that? I mean, I’m going to have to come up with a proposal for the board. They’re going to want facts and figures, not vague promises. I need something to work with.”

“Tangible market value, you ask.” Twilight’s body went still, but her eyes swept over the room. She drew in a deep breath, one eyebrow arched, and she replied, “What is the tangible market value of your continued existence? This is a market like any other. If I burn down enough businesses, I’m pretty sure the free market will come up with a solution—the burn proof business that operates with altruism and respects the Virtues. It will be a very favourable market for them too, because disreputable businesses will be getting shook down at every turn.”

“That… uh…” The stallion shifted in his seat. “That represents a complicated variable, but I think I can work something out.”

“Smart.” Taking a cue from Prince Gosling, Twilight feathergunned the clever stallion and clucked her tongue. “All of you are dismissed. Free to go. Go and tell your boards and your executives that there is a new princess in town. See ya!”


The sound booth had been abandoned, with the headset left to rest upon the machine covered in many switches and blinky lights. Twilight—her blood still singing in her ears—realised that she stood upon the precipice of the moment that would forever define her princesshood. She had just started a fight—a really big fight—but she still had little ponies to look after.

They needed reassurance.

Reaching out with her mind, Twilight cast her special conjure pony spell, and then she was no longer alone in the sound booth. Seville was fine, but Bundt was slow to recover. Twilight plopped Bundt down into a chair, smiled at Seville, and reminded herself that everything was going to be fine. She had her friends with her.

“Miss Buttercream, I’m putting you in charge. You told me that you hired a lot of the staff. Can you run this operation?” Twilight waited for her assistant to recover herself.

Bundt squirmed in her chair, rubbed her stomach, and let out a tiny squeak.

“Sugar Sparkle, have you been a naughty filly?” Seville asked.

Grinning, Twilight did not respond.

“It is true… I brought in a lot of ponies from the biz. Camera operators and boom operators. Ponies that know how to put on a production. They wanted some decent work for a change of pace.”

“But can you run the show? Do they trust you? Can the show go on?” Twilight’s ears pricked in anticipation of an answer. “It’s okay to tell me no, Miss Buttercream. It won’t impact your job. I won’t push you into doing something you’re incapable of doing.”

“Honest?” Bundt’s eyes glimmered with concern.

“You’re with decent ponies, remember?”

“I am.” A change settled over Bundt’s face and her ears rose in a slow, cautious manner. “I don’t know if I can run the show, but I’m willing to try. I’m more of an actress, in the show sense. But these ponies, I’ve worked with some of them for a very long time. We know how to run a show. We can make it happen, I think.”

“Even if we fail and this blows up in our faces, you’re still my assistant,” Twilight said to Bundt, offering whatever reassurance she could. “We’ll pick up the pieces together. I think you’ll find that I have a different way of doing things. I am asking a lot of you though, to be fair. I apologise for the sudden application of intense pressure.”

“Boss, I’ll find a way.”

“Good.” Twilight turned to Seville. “I need you to do that thing you do with Gosling during the broadcasts.”

“That thing I do—”

“Yes, that thing you do.” Twilight looked into Seville’s eyes, a risky move. “Restore faith and trust. Seville, you’ve become a voice of truth and reassurance. You’re Equestria’s pioneer for radio journalism. So I need you to sit down in this sound booth and do that thing you do.”

“But that thing I do works because Goose is with me. He’s the fall pony and I’m the straight guy. I hold him accountable for everything he says in front of the microphone and the listeners eat that up because they like hearing a royal being taken to task by a commoner. They think the heckling is hilarious.”

This gave Twilight pause, but she knew the show had to go on. “Seville Orange… your best friend saved you. I know that you and Gosling are close. Besties. Brothers, even. Luna has called you brothers many times. Gosling’s foals call you their uncle. This… this is a crisis, and I need for you to step up and be your own pony. You need to come out of Gosling’s shadow.”

Some of the colour drained from Seville’s face, and he looked more than a little sweaty. “I’m just an earth pony, Twilight. I owe him everything. Everything I am and everything I’ve done is because he stepped in and saved me. Goose… he’s… carried me.” There was a hard gulp and then he added, “I couldn’t’ve made it to where I am without him, I don’t think. He’s carried me up to the clouds with him.”

“Seville…” Twilight reached out with her wings, wrapped them around his neck, and pulled him closer, until she stood neck to neck with him. “I was once that way with Celestia. Perhaps I still am. One day, she did something terrible to me. She sent me to Ponyville. Alone. I didn’t have her shadow to retreat to and feel safe. I didn’t have her reassurance. I came pretty close to convincing myself that I couldn’t function without her.”

Mindful that Bundt was watching and listening, Twilight allowed her cheek to brush up against Seville’s neck. “This is your Ponyville, Seville, and Gosling is your Celestia. These ponies need you. I need you. I’m pretty sure that Bundt needs you. I need you to get on the air and I need you to put an end to the panic. I need everypony to know that the show must go on, that everypony is going to be paid, and that nothing has changed. Everything will continue as planned. Can you do that?”

“Yeah… for you, I can do that. I think.”

“Good.” Unable to stop herself, Twilight chuckled and remembered the meeting with Seville’s parents. “We’re good at panicked reactions. When you introduced me and Pinkie to your mother and she flipped her lid at the idea of you dating a princess, you smoothed everything over by telling your mom that we were engaged. And just like that, we were engaged. We never got around to sorting that little detail out. There was never even a formal declaration. So, let’s just play this by ear and whatever will happen will happen.”

“I still can’t believe I said that… or that you went along with it.” Seville shuffled a bit and then his weight came to rest against Twilight.

“It made me happy to hear you say it,” Twilight confessed as she pulled away.

Sighing, Twilight sat down in a chair beside Bundt, slipped the headset over her ears, and then adjusted the microphone in front of her muzzle. A few switches were flipped, the vacuum tubes in the equipment radiated a rosy, cheerful glow, and there was a faint hum as everything powered up.

“Hello, my little ponies,” Twilight said into the microphone. “This is your princess speaking. You might have heard that the bake-off was cancelled, but this isn’t true. Bourgogne Blintz just tried to do as much damage as she could going out the door. Everything will continue as planned. Everypony will be paid, as promised. As your princess, I want you to know that I care about all of you and I want you to be happy. Please, enjoy the bake-off. Make the most of it.  In a moment, Seville Orange, the trusted voice of truth and integrity will be signing on and perhaps, if I can manage it, the Element of Honesty might be joining him as well. Please, continue to have a good time and enjoy your day. This is your princess, signing off.”

With a flick of magic, Twilight flipped the switch.

“It feels good to be working with decent ponies,” Bundt remarked. “I’m gonna go save a bake-off if it’s the last thing I do.”

“I’ll do what needs to be done, but it better get me kisses.” Seville’s eyes darted around, no doubt to gain an understanding of the many switches, dials, and control knobs.

“And I’ll be out on the floor, doing what I can,” Twilight added. “We’ve got this!”