//------------------------------// // Land // Story: Show Me The Way To Go Home // by MagnetBolt //------------------------------// “Remind me again why I decided this was a good idea?” I asked. My girlfriend smiled and for a moment I swore I saw fangs. “Sunset, you never said it was a good idea. You’re doing it anyway, because you love me.” She let go of my hand after squeezing it. Then she reached down and grabbed my butt to give that a firm squeeze too. I jumped and instinctively tried to catch myself on the marble block in front of me. My hands passed through the stone with a fuzzy, static feeling. When I first came through the portal, one of the first things I bought was a television. It seemed like magic at the time, and for somepony not raised with it, it was really addictive. I’d gotten the cheapest one I could find, one of the old CRT boxes that were thicker than they were wide, and the screen would get this incredible static charge that never really went away. It was the same feeling the portal gave me. And I’d have had more time to contemplate that if my partner hadn’t jumped me from behind and pushed both of us into the space between worlds. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t make bad decisions. I used to spend hours lying in bed just thinking about all the mistakes I made. The years I’d wasted because I was smart instead of wise and I was dumb enough not to know the difference between the two. And that’s where I found myself, sitting on the couch and flipping through shows and movies on my now much better and more modern TV, trying to find something to watch. “How is it there are hundreds of movies and all of them are terrible?” I asked. Clearly, it was loud enough for her to hear me from the bathroom. “If you’re bored, you could join me in the shower!” I snorted. “Maybe next time. Don’t use all the hot water!” She laughed and the room filled with the sound of running water. I looked over to the door. She’d left it cracked open. Maybe it was an accident. Maybe she was trying to tempt me to jump in with her. If there was anything my girlfriend was good at, it was tempting me. I shook my head and smiled, going back to the TV and trying to decide if I wanted to watch an awful looking movie or put on Star Trot again even though I knew almost all the lines by heart. Over the rush of water from the other room, I heard a few faint notes that cut off with a strangled gasp and the wet thud of someone falling. I was on my feet and running for the bathroom before my brain had time to process anything except wordless fear. I shoved the door open, steam blasting my face, fearing the worst. Adagio was curled up in the tub, water cascading down around her. She sniffled and looked away from me. “I forgot, just for a second.” “Are you okay?” I asked, the energy draining away. “If I was okay, this wouldn’t happen every time,” she whispered. “I wasn’t even trying to do anything! I was just washing my hair and everything felt normal, and…” “And you started singing in the shower,” I finished. She nodded. “Come on.” I turned off the water. “Let’s get you dried off.” I helped her up, and she winced. Her wrist was already bruising. “We have to fix this,” I said. “It’s just a sprain. Unless you really want to play doctor to help me get my mind off things?” She smiled, but it didn’t reach her red, wet eyes. I kissed her wrist. She giggled “I feel better already.” I landed heavily, and then the breath was pressed out of my body when something huge and scaly landed on top of me. “Get off! You’re crushing me!” I hissed. She shifted, and the crushing weight lessened. A huge golden maw delicately lowered and kissed my cheek. “You didn’t say that last night.” “Get a room, you two.” “...Hey Spike,” I said, trying to pretend my cheeks weren’t burning red. “I’d like you to meet--” “Adagio Dazzle. It’s a pleasure,” the monster sitting on my chest said. She paused. “Wait, I remember you! You’re the dog!” “I’m not a dog!” Spike grumbled. “You were such a cutie!” Adagio got up, hovering over the ground and rearing up to loom over the baby dragon, baring shark-like teeth in what could broadly be called a smile. “I could just eat you right up!” “He’s not on the lunch menu,” I said, finally able to get off the floor and brush myself off. “Sorry about that, Spike.” “It’s fine, Sunset,” Spike shrugged. “She doesn’t scare me.” “Because dragons aren’t scared of anything?” Adagio guessed. “Because at least once a year something horrible happens and tries to end the world,” Spike corrected. “If you wanna scare me you’ll have to try a lot harder.” “That sounds like a challenge.” “Dagi,” I warned. “No. We talked about this.” “I know. I’m supposed to be on my best behavior.” Adagio rolled her eyes. “Unless you’d like to go home right now,” I said. “We can forget about this whole thing.” Adagio frowned and touched her chest. A jagged scar ran over her heart, a place where scales had never grown back. “I’ll try harder,” she grumbled. “Thank you.” I patted her tail, which was the only part of her I could reach from the ground. “Come on,” Spike said. “Twilight’s probably got lunch ready by now and I haven’t eaten in hours.” “...So we’ll need salad fork, main fork, spoon… does she eat fish? Is a fish fork speciesist? I should have asked Sunset! Wait, Sunset eats meat too! Is she going to expect me to have meat? Humans eat it all the time and she’s gone native… Maybe if I send a letter to Celestia she can give me some tips…” I shot Adagio a look, and she raised her eyebrow, amused, putting a hoof over my mouth when I started to interrupt Twilight talking to herself. “Spike!” Twilight yelled. “I need you to send a letter!” “Um, Twilight,” Spike said. “Okay, just write down what I tell you,” Twilight said, still not looking toward the door. “Dear Princess Celestia, Do sirens eat fish? No, wait, I should explain the circumstances first. Scratch that first line out. Start by telling her why I’m asking so she won’t think I’m crazy and worrying over nothing! Because I’m not crazy!” “Twilight!” “Spike, this is important! We have to get this out before Sunset and her… special somepony get here. Somebody? Somefish? What do you think we should-” Twilight turned, finally, and saw us all in the doorway. She shrieked and vanished in a burst of teleportation. “She doesn’t handle surprises well,” I explained. Adagio smirked. “I noticed.” “Just stay here,” Spike said. “I’m gonna get a paper bag and some checklists.” “...Why?” Adagio asked. Spike sighed and pushed past us into the hallway. “The bag is for her hyperventilating. The checklists help calm her down.” “Remind me again why we’re having lunch with her?” Adagio asked. “As I recall there are several other Princesses we could be meeting, all of whom make better company.” “First, she’s my friend. Second, she knows you already and so she’ll be able to vouch that you’re…” I paused. “Less evil? Let’s go with that. Less evil.” Adagio raised her chin, narrowing her eyes. “Third, it would be even more awkward if we had dinner with Cadance, and Princess Celestia, um…” “Um?” “She doesn’t really approve of anypony dating me. Let’s just say it’s best if we have somepony else vouching for you first.” Adagio flicked her tail in annoyance. “What about Luna?” “That would be great, except we either go to Canterlot and avoid Celestia, so she’ll be upset, or we invite Luna and not her to meet somewhere else, and she’ll be even more upset!” I sucked air between my teeth. “Like I said, Twilight is one of my best friends. I’m sure it’ll be fine. Once she calms down, things will stop being awkward, we’ll have a nice dinner, and then we’ll do what we came here to do.” Adagio calmed down, settling onto the floor. “At least things can’t get worse.” I hopped up onto her tail. “I never realized just how huge your real body was.” “I was always bigger than you where it counted.” She curled tighter, nuzzling me. “What’s that supposed to mean?” She motioned towards her totally flat, scale-covered chest. “That- no you weren’t! We were the same size!” “You shouldn’t lie to yourself.” “You wore a push-up bra, Adagio! It doesn’t actually make them bigger!” “What is that thing doing here?!” Adagio and I both spun to look at the bearded pony who’d opened the door and was glaring up at us. “YOU!” Adagio roared, throwing me aside as she charged. “SPIT IT OUT!” I demanded. Adagio shook her head. I stomped a hoof. “Do you know how much trouble you’re going to be in?!” She started to swallow. I saw the bulge moving down her long neck, still struggling. I grabbed her throat with both hooves, squeezing. “Adagio, no!” “Okay everypony, I’m back!” Twilight declared, walking into the still-open doors. “...Am I interrupting something? This isn’t a sex thing, is it?” “It’s definitely not a sex thing!” I yelled. Adagio wiggled her eyebrows. “It’s not,” I repeated. Twilight rolled her eyes. “Well whatever it is, hurry up and finish whatever you’re doing. Star Swirl is going to be here soon.” She stepped in something, and bells rang. “This is his hat,” she said, lifting it up. “Why is his hat--” Her eyes went wide. “Where’s Star Swirl?!” She was definitely getting tutoring on the Royal Canterlot Voice. “Well, um-” “No, no, no!” I was levitated aside as Adagio rose into the air tail-first, Twilight squeezing and shaking the siren with her magic until she finally spat up Star Swirl, the elderly pony landing on the floor in a tangle of robes soaked with saliva. “I wish that was the first time that’s happened to me,” Star Swirl said, trying to get up and failing. “Where’s my hat?” “Do you know who that is?!” Adagio snapped. Literally. Thankfully she was still too high off the ground to actually reach anypony with her teeth. “That son of a mule is the one who banished me!” “And I’ll do it again once I find my hat!” Twilight wordlessly put his hat on his head. “Ah, thank you, Princess Twilight. It will just be a moment and I’ll have this monster back where she belongs.” His horn lit up, and I knocked his spell aside before it could hit Adagio. Twilight’s table vanished, a casualty of the deflected spell, flatware clattering to the ground. “Everypony knock it off!” I turned my head and broke Twilight’s telekinetic hold on Adagio, the siren dropping to the ground in a heap. I got between them before either side could start trouble. “Sunset, you said she was reformed!” Twilight’s horn was still glowing. I wasn’t really intimidated. Twilight was a lot of things. Princess. Alicorn. Obsessive-compulsive. What she wasn’t was a pony that could beat me in a fair fight. I trotted back to Adagio and nuzzled her, kissing her snout. Adagio sniffled and whispered in my ear. “I don’t want to be banished again!” “You won’t be,” I promised. “I won’t let them do anything.” “What is all this about?” Star Swirl demanded. “I was invited to lunch, not whatever this is supposed to be!” “It was supposed to be a chance for somepony to show that they’d changed, but instead she ate one of my other guests!” “Not completely!” I protested. “She’s almost certainly being controlled with dark magic,” Star Swirl whispered, loudly enough that I could hear it. “This being is called a Siren, and they can control the minds of others using--” “I’m not being mind controlled!” “How would you know?” Star Swirl asked, looking down at me with an expression that almost made me wish I’d just let Adagio finish swallowing. “What I know for sure is that there’ve been a few too many things that’ve been causing trouble in the human world because you put them there. Do you know how many of your mistakes I had to clean up?” “Including this one, I assume?” He glanced past me at Adagio. “She doesn’t even have her magic anymore,” I said. “She cares about other people. Whatever she did in the past, she’s different now.” “Ponies don’t change,” Star Swirl muttered. The glow around Twilight’s horn vanished. Which was good. I would have hated to have had to duel her for my love’s honor or whatever the poetic term would be for kicking my friend’s flank because she was being rude to my marefriend. “I can see we’re not wanted here,” I said. “Dagi, let’s go.” She nodded and we were halfway out the door before Twilight folded. “Wait,” Twilight sighed. I paused. Adagio looked down to me, catching my gaze. I winked. “Why?” I asked, not turning around. “Do you have more surprise quizzes hanging around? You’re my friend, Twilight, but I’m pretty angry at you right now.” “She literally tried to eat somepony, Sunset.” “I’m angry at her, too,” I said. “Just because one side is wrong doesn’t make the other one right. I learned that lesson the hard way.” “Look, I’m sorry,” Twilight said. “Star Swirl is sorry too.” “No, I’m not,” Star Swirl said. There was a soft thwap, like somepony being hit with a wing behind my back, and a jingle of bells, like somepony wearing a bunch of bells being smacked on the flank. “Fine, I’m sorry,” Star Swirl muttered. “Next time I’ll make sure to apply a marinade first, since that’s the only thing I can imagine I’ve done wrong.” I twitched an ear at Adagio. She growled. I cleared my throat and twitched my ear harder. “Fine,” she spat the words out like she’d accidentally eaten them, too. “I’m sorry for reacting poorly to the pony who sentenced me and my sisters to eternal banishment.” I nodded with approval. “Maybe we could still have lunch?” Twilight suggested. “Somewhere else, I mean. I’m not sure where the table went. Star Swirl?” He shrugged. “I never bothered inventing an unbanishment spell. You’ll have to look for it in the other world.” Twilight forced a smile “How does everypony feel about a picnic?”