Hmm... That makes 3 whole shirts left unripped, an old Winter Wrap Up vest, 5 books, our diary and the yoke... Right... Guess that's everything then, no wonder Miss was travelling light. On top of the pile was our shared diary which I'd been trying to ignore due to an emotion I think is most aptly described as confearsion, or doubterrified, or -
"So ya ready?" the country drawl snapped my focus back to the present.
"Yeah. Sadly."
"This really it huh? Hoo boy, do you even know what happened here?" at my cringe she took the hint, "Hoooo boy, well we can walk and talk... Or maybe you'd rather get yourself comfortable and grab a cider first." I didn't like the way that sounded.
"Let's just get out of here first, I'll figure it out once I'm out of this wreck" I know it came out half hearted but Applejack knew to try take it in good stride, "can I chuck these in the cart?"
"Sure thing Sugarcube, grab an apple while you're in there."
---
Applejack was kind enough to let me finish my red delicious before getting started, but once we hit the city limits.
"Sooo, hehe, where you been?" Should I go with 'I have NO BUCKING IDEA' or more importantly 'What the bu-'
"Well I woke up in Manehattan this morning, to quite the alarm, but last time I went to bed was right after our last dinner. Far as I'm concerned, we basically had dinner together last night"
"Woah nelly, that was moons ago, you lot a' been gone for about a month; Hell of an exit ya made too"
"Yeah, my house made a bit of an example of that."
"Wish I could say that was the worse of it," I do not like the sounds of that either, "but Celestia knows what's true or not; small town ponies, give 'em a hair they'll give ya a tale."
"I think that cider plan is sounding good actually."
"Fair 'nuff sugar, but I ought'a warn ya, it's school holidays so the whole CMC are at the farm tonight." this ought to be relaxing...
---
"Uncle Cara!" Here we go, "Scoots check it out, he did come back."
"Ha, now Dash owes me 10 bits and an other trip to Wonderbolt HQ."
"Did you really burn down a whole street?"
"SWEETIE BELLE! Where did you hear a thing like that?" Applejack yelled at the filly.
"Just some of the colts at school were talking and-"
"And have you seen anything burned down in town?"
"Well no, but-"
"And do you think it's nice to accuse somepony of that sort of thing?"
"I was just asking..." I almost wanted to forgive the filly who now looked more like a scolded puppy.
"How 'bout you three go see if you can help Big Mac with the dinner."
"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS CHEFS! YAY!"
"EEENOPE!" came a worried cry from the kitchen but the fillies were already on their way.
"Sorry 'bout that 'Mel, only thing worse than townsfolk for rumours are schoolfoals."
"No need to tell me. Can I just unload my stuff, been a rough day, and thanks so much for taking me in."
"Ahh shucks, take all the time you need, you lot are basically family. Hopefully whoever we get tomorrow realises they're in a safe space, don't want more o' what happened going on 'round this house; 'specially not with foals about. I'll go unpack the cart while ya get settled."
As I made my way upstairs, passing the elder Apple asleep on her chair, I felt a wave of relief as I heard the familiar creaking in the same old spots and knowing that I really was among ponies who cared... Then all the emotions I didn't realise I was holding back hit me and by the time I made it to the landing my eyes were like rivers. What the buck was going on? Why did my house fall apart? Where have I been? Where do I go? Why does this keep happening? Will I be gone longer next time? Will I even come back again? Wha-
"'S'all right 'Mel, you're 'mong family now," I hadn't noticed the big hug I was held in until that heavenly drawl pulled me out of my stupor and a hoof was wiping away my tears. Big Mac lead me to the guest room and just let me continue crying into his shoulder, not saying a word until he knew I was ready, holding me the whole time.
It was a good dozen minutes before my sobbing subsided, eyes drained and throat sore, so I pulled back from the red fur that was my respite. I couldn't look him in the eyes or find words to even begin to express my gratitude.
"I think I smell burning," idiot, is that all you got? It did elicit a chuckle though.
"Hehe, yeah, Applejack would have a hoof full right now with the Cutie Mark Crusader Flambé squad. Though I reckon by now they'd be the Cutie Mark Crusader Firefighters."
"Yay," another chuckle rumbled through the bulky frame that supported me, "thanks Mac, got a little overwhelmed there."
"How long ya been holding that in?"
"Probably all day."
"Really?"
"Maybe since last time I was here."
"Really?"
"Maybe since the time I ran away from here and ruined everything."
"Figured it was a while," Mac took a few deep breaths and dipped his head to look me in the eyes, "You know Mel, you didn't ruin everything all those years ago. You need to go easy on yourself, you take every mistake as a failure in character, it ain't healthy. What we had... We... What I mean is, we're like your family here, we loved all of ya, most of ya, and when you stopped coming around we were the lesser for it. The others still don't know why you kept yourself away, figured that was between us, but they wanted ya back, me 'specially."
I looked up at him as he eased back from his hunched posture, "really?"
"I mean, ain't nopony treated me like you do, everypony sees me as some mute dope or a wise hermit, you just saw me as a family stallion with my own quirks and views on the world. Nopony wanted to be around me because they thought I was tryin' to blow 'em off or just get on with my chores but only you ever realised I just preferred to listen."
"I mean, you did do ALOT of listening while I was around," we both chuckled.
"But you could also tell when I was processing, or needed space, or that I was getting uncomfortable; something I wish my sisters would learn. 'Mel, I don't know what to make of us, I know how you felt."
"Feel. Sorry. Nevermind, go on."
"Your feelings have value Caramel, don't dismiss them 'k? I still don't know how exactly I feel 'bout ya, but I know I missed ya, and that you need to learn to value yourself."
"Thanks Mac, I... Thanks Mac."
"'Right, fire ought to be out by now, you come on down for dinner when you're ready," and with that he hefted himself off the bed and headed downstairs.
I flopped onto my back, the weirdest combinations of release, tension, hope, guilt, and now that I think of it, I was very hungry. As I descended the stairs there was no escaping the almost shrill of three excitable fillies practically squealing their excitement for the week ahead of none stop 'crusading'. Rounding the corner I saw the same old dynamic playing out as the matriarch slept at the head of the table, the sole stallion stoically dishing out the meals to the, not one but three fillies who talked over each other and the big sister who spent every breath trying to calm and control the chaos on the opposite side of the table. I stood there watching the madness and thinking of my own childhood as my parents would sit there concerned by who might be joining them for dinner, see it was me, and smile politely as we ate in silence. I took my seat at the foot of the table and thanked Big Mac as he passed me over a large serve with a smile and sat back. I have no idea where I fit in this family, yet strangely the way they seemed to ignore me made it all the more comforting as they seemed to be doing it because they actually accepted me. They weren't stealing glances between spoonfuls, or making idle chatter about my next appointment, they were just living their lives and welcomed me into it.
---
"Here y'are Sugarcube, one of the sours," Applejack passed me the mug with a warm smile, it was their fun code word for fermented cider to keep Apple Bloom out of the 'barrels that went off'.
"Thanks AJ, I actually feel alot better after the meal."
"Well maybe I'll keep it then to get me through the rest of this Crusader Week," she chuckled making no attempt to retrieve the mug, which didn't stop me from reflexively drawing it closer to me, "you sure you wanna hear this now?"
"You know, I think I have alot more to figure out before I start peeling off the bandage."
"Well normally I'd tell Apple Bloom to just rip it off, but I can see where you're coming from," to this Big Mac just nodded from his arm chair, "So you say you woke up in Manehattan this morning?"
"Urgh, don't remind me, my bed mate wasn't too pleased to see me in the morning, he was cuddling up pretty close too," ppssshht! A sudden geyser of cider came from the farm ponies mouths followed by a stoic chuckle and a hearty guffaw. Maybe it was my hopes bubbling up again but I think Big Mac was slightly redder than normal.
"Well goll-y that sounds like a hoot. Heew, so I guess Melle had quite the night then?" She hardly got the words past her huge grin.
"And all I ever get are the mornings," I shrugged as her jubilation faltered.
"Could only imagine what Wing's'd done," came the low chuckling from across the room as we all imagined the fresh Tartarus he'd stir up in that bedroom.
"Heew Nelly, well I better crash before those three start fussin' at dawn break; night fellas."
"Night AJ, and thanks again, so much."
"Aww shoot, you may not'a been born an Apple, but yer kin far as I'm concerned. Sleep in all ya need and stay long as ya like. See ya in... See ya soon I guess," and with a nod and a murmur from her brother she was off up the stairs.
"Welp, I best get Granny off to bed as well," Mac's statement drawing my focus to the snoring I managed to block out until now, "it's just as AJ said, and if you need me you know where I am."
And with a gracious nod he took the flustered elder to bed to the tune of 'darn kids thinking they can tell their seniors what to do' despite her doing exactly as told. I finished up my drink, washed out our mugs and headed back to the spare room.
As I closed the door behind me I surveyed the old room, the same as it was all those years ago when I basically lived here. I put away what little I had and left our diary on the side table, trying hopelessly to ignore it. I knew inside I'd find clues for the past while but I wasn't sure if I was yet ready to open Pandora's Box. I tried to read one of the other books I brought but I just couldn't concentrate, what if when I fell asleep tonight I'd wake up next year in Baltimare? Or what if I woke up to find everything shredded and nothing to call my own? What if when I woke up the diary was destroyed and I'd never have my answers? Was this really all my life would ever be, just a constant struggle to catch up on what's happening in my own life? Cleaning up my messes I never even made? Do I really just settle for being the cleaner, the fixer, the butler, the slave? No, it's time to make my own way! To make my own messes and be able to live with them. Time to become something more than the screw up with no prospects, it's time to take control! And so in a defiant motion I sat up, grabbed the diary and searched for my last entry. It's time to find out just WHAT THE BU-