Spice on the wind

by xscar10

Sounds Sordid

I woke up in my hospital bed, more nightmares, more coughing. The doctors get mad when I try to get up and walk, but I get restless. As often as I could I would get up and just walk in circles. I couldn't stand just sitting and lying all day... I don't see how congressmen do it every day.
Eventually I just got out of the gown, (it looked like it was made for a griffin, so it almost fit) and got my own pants on. I tried to get my shirt on, but trying hurt to much. So I figured the gauze was fine, and it actually looked pretty cool anyways.
I opened the window, and crept away when the doctors were out. I walked down the streets of Ponyville for a while, and headed down to sugar cube corner. I knocked on the door, and Mr.Cake opened up.
"How may I... help you?" He asked, seeming a bit nervous.
"I'm here to see Pinkie." I said, kneeling down.
"Oh, well she's upstairs, I'll go get her." He said, quickly trotting away. I ducked inside, and took a look around. A rather busy Mrs.Cake was rushing back and forth between two different baked goods.
"Hello there, how may I help you?" She asked, putting icing on some sort of treat.
"I could ask you the same, you need any help there?" I asked watching her frantically dash back and forth.
"How sweet. No I'm fine, I just need to finish these before the pair arrive, and I'll be done." She said, brushing some flour from her mane.
I heard a thump come from upstairs. There was a bit of a commotion followed by the sound of galloping hooves. Before I knew it I was tackled from behind.
"What are you doing out of the hospital?! You could get hurt!" Pinkie said, standing on my back.
"Like I am right now?" I groaned, and felt her step off me.
"That wouldn't have happened in the hospital." Pinkie said, and I forced myself up. "What are you even doing here?" Pinkie asked, as I brushed myself off.
"I made a Pinkie promise, didn't I? Nopony breaks a Pinkie promise." I answered rubbing my pained chest.
"That's no excu-... wait what?" Pinkie derped. I crossed my arms, and waited for a response. "Yeah well- That's not- You can't... You'd risk your health for a promise?" She looked up in mystified disbelief.
"Look, if humans are anything we're resilient. We've survived plague, disaster, and each other; I can take a few broken ribs." I cracked my knuckles.
"I guess you would know... OK then! Lets go!" She said, turning and hopping out the door.
"But I thought you wanted help here at Sugar Cube Corner." I said, following her out.
"Yeperoony! That's what I said! It would have sounded weird if I said outside Sugar Cube Corner." She stopped suddenly.
"That never mattered before..." I muttered halfheartedly.
"So what will we be doing?" I asked, and Pinkie pointed around the corner. I trudged over, and saw what she meant. She had a hot air balloon with a cannon, not a large cannon, but a cannon none the less.
"I need your help getting all my pies in the basket." She said jumping inside.
"You want me to load your pie cannon...?" I found myself rubbing my forehead, and nodding.
"Goody! The pies are over there." She pointed to a massive pile of boxes.
"Is this normal pinkie craziness, or a marketing tactic?" I asked picking up a couple pies, and handed them to her. My torso let me know how it disagreed with me.
"Marketing? Oh! That's a good idea!" She clapped her hooves together. "Uh-oh..." Pinkie said, her eyes widening.
"What?.. What is it?" I said, setting down the pies.
"My knees are pinching!" Pinkie said, ducking into the basket.
"What's that mean?" I asked, and rubbed my shoulder.
"It's my Pinkie sense, it means something scary's gonna happen!" Pinkie flicked her tail up.
"Oh, I forgot about Pinkie sense." I said, heeding her warning. I knew better than to question Pinkie sense.
"Something scary huh? Any idea what?" I leaned over the basket.
"Not a clue, I just know it'll be soon." She said, and I turned around, picking the pies back up, and setting them next to her. "You better get moving! My knees are pinching!" She knocked on my noggin.
"Alright! Alright! I'm going." I said, putting the last of Pinkie's pies (irony anyone?) in the basket. I turned and started walking away.
"Later Pinkie." I waved, and Pinkie waved back.
"Okie-dokie-lokie! See you later!" Her hoof swiftly popped back into the basket. I walked a few yards away when she took off. So something scary will happen today... Maybe I should head back to the hospital.
I walked over to the window to my room, taking note of the panicking nurses. I waited for her to leave the room, and crawled through the window. There was a commotion with the doctors outside as I crawled into bed. I picked up my book, and started reading.
It was about ten minutes before a doctor came in the room.
"You! You're back! Where were you?!" Her mane was frizzled, and she was sweating.
"I was taking a walk." I said casually reading my book.
"You... went for a walk?" She face-hooved.
"Sir in your condition you could cause serious damage to yourself." She walked over and fixed her hair.
"Are you sure?" I asked, looking up from my book.
"Wha...?" She uttered, and I smirked.
"I asked, are you sure?" looked back to my book.
"Umm... yes?" She shook her head.
"Alright, then I will respect your opinion." I smiled to her, and she shook her head. She let a defeated sigh, and walked to the door.
"By the way, you missed a visitor, but there's another one here to see you." She said, opening the door.
"Who'd I miss?" I asked, curious as to who would visit me so early.
"Rainbow-Dash came by, but you weren't here." As she said it my mind gulped. I knew I was going to get something.
"The visiting... 'gentlecolt' will be with you shortly." She hesitated the term, which isn't usually a good sign. I shrugged it off, returning to my book. I heard hoofsteps of the gentlecolt approaching, but didn't look up from my book. The door opened, and I glanced up, seeing a stallion with light brown fur, a black mane, and a top hat.
"May I help you?" I asked looking back down at my book.
"My good man, you already have." He said, with a light chuckle.
"I have?" I asked, still reading.
"Why yes... Your accent is American. Let me guess, a southerner?" He said, and my eyes were on my page, but I didn't read a word. I was stunned.
"How do you know that?" I asked looking up, meeting eyes with him. The color of his eyes seemed to dance around his contracted pupil like fire.
"I know many things about you. Like your dog Specter. Hit by a car right? Oh, or your brother, Ty had cancer didn't he?" He tilted his head, and I just sat in shock.
"I even know your name..." He grinned, and I brought myself to speak.
"What do you want?" I asked, and as I did I noticed his stench, moderately concealed behind cheap cologne was the smell of brimstone.
"Now, I only wish to warn you old boy." He said sitting down, and bowing his head.
"Warn me of what?" I ask, not sure what to think of him, but his smile dissipated with my question.
"Don't trust Celestia... or any of the royals." He said, his pupils shrinking slightly.
"Why?" I asked. If I could trust anyone, it would be Celestia.... wouldn't it? "I cannot explain, but keep your eyes open, listen closely to every word, don't let anything slip past your senses." He said, backing away toward the window.
"If you give her an opportunity she will take it, be careful of everything." He said, turning to the window. When he turned I got a good look at his cutie mark, a broken circle with a line through the top, like the power button on a game, or computer; around it were five rectangles. Odd to say the least.
"I'll take your word then?" I ask, slightly sarcastic.
"You don't have to heed my warning, I only had to give it." He said, before teleporting away in a flash of orange light. A unicorn, hiding his horn under his hat no less. I sat in my bed, contemplating what had happened. Should I trust this stranger? He told me not to trust the princess... but he also knew about who I am, or was. Perhaps mind reading? It's as plausible as anything else. I wondered to myself for a while, but never really deviated my trust from Celestia. I did however decide to act with caution. This was rolling through my thoughts when I heard something rumbling down the halls.
"Where is he?!" I heard just outside.
"Almighty save me..." I muttered just before Rainbow-Dash burst into the room.
"I can't believe you! You nearly die, you're put in a hospital, and the next day you're running around town?!" She grabbed onto my sheets, yanking them away.
"I made a Pinkie promise, and I was still able to help." My excuse didn't even seem to phase her.
"Pinkie would understand you not being able to keep your promise, and you know it!" She was flying an inch in front of my face.
"I'm perfectly fine, and you of all people know how stir crazy one gets when in here." I said calmly, trying to calm her.
"Yes, but I didn't go out flying with a bad wing!" She snorted, her eyes reflected her anger. I rolled my eyes, and chuckled.
"You can't jus-" She started, but I ambushed her with a kiss. Her legs turned to jelly, her wings went stiff, and she melted into my arms.
"That worked." I said, almost surprised.
"Don't think that you can get off that easy Mr. big stuff." She said looking off to the side and blushing.
"Mr. big stuff?" I echoed, wondering what exactly she was implying.
"You know what I mean!" She glared at me, unable to keep from smiling.
"I'm not sure I do." I chuckled jokingly. She pushed on my chest, making me lay down, painfully might I add.
"Well then, big guy, if you need motivation to stay in bed..." Dash said standing above me. I looked up surprised... maybe this was the scary thing Pinkie warned me about... She leaned her head down and gave me a quick kiss, but moved from there to my jaw. She continued to kiss just below my ear when she stopped and whispered.
"Motivated yet?" I did't have time to answer before she continued kissing down my neck. I did manage a noise that showed I was trying to speak, but actual words never formed. She giggled as her kisses ran down my collar bone, to the base of my neck. I tried to lift my arm, but she stopped me with hooves on my shoulders. Her kisses moved down the center of my chest.
I gulped nervously, seeing where this was headed. She trailed down my chest to my stomach, and her hooves down to my wrists. I looked around the room, the door and window were both open, making it all the more awkward. I could feel my face flushing as her kisses came to the rim of my pants. She looked up at me seductively, saw the 'deer in the head lights' look on my face, and whispered.
"Consider that your punishment." She said, flying up above me. I was still stunned, and my face was neon red as she giggled overhead. I will give her this, she is good at revenge.
"A-a-alr-right, y-you w-w-win..." I stuttered, laying my head down.
"That's what I thought." She said with a snicker. I picked up my shirt off the headboard and used it to fan myself off (i'm surprised the bed wasn't in flames). The air felt cool against my sweat laden body. "Anyways, I think you learned your lesson." She said, flying slowly through the door. I at that moment decided not to ever get her mad.
I sat in bed rereading the book Twi had given me, for about the third time. I probably had everything memorized by now, but I wouldn't want to accidentally offend the princess. I don't think humans would fare well on the moon without space suits.
I sat undisturbed for hours, other than the occasional nurse checking to see if I was still there, or to change my bandages. When she did I noticed how bruised I was. I had blue blotches all over, but apparently the healing magic worked wonders on all my minor injuries. I waited for anything interesting to happen, but I wasn't so lucky. Boredom swept over me like crashing waves.
I eventually heard the clamoring of hooves, and excited speech of ponies gathered outside. I walked over to the window to see what all the furor was about. Down the street I see a drove of ponies flocking the streets. I saw the mass parting as something passed. Slowly coming into sight was an alabaster carriage, being pulled by four pegasi, and sitting on the carriage was Celestia... and as a surprise, also princess Luna.
I pulled myself inside and got back into bed, praying that I don't make a fool of myself. It seemed like an eternity passed waiting for them to appear, but eventually the regal alicorns entered my hospital room.
"Princess Celestia. Princess Luna. I am honored by your presence." I said, pulling myself out of bed, and bowing. Luckily they seemed to recognize the gesture as a bow.
"Once Twilight told me about you, I came as quickly as possible." Celestia said, she seemed tired, an odd thing for her.
"Your esteemed presence is quite a veneration, to what do I owe the pleasure?" I ask, not exactly sure how I came up with something intelligent through my anxiety.
"He seems quite astute. I find him delightful thusfar." Luna said, smiling over to her sister.
"We have come to welcome you to Equestria, and to invite you to Canterlot Castle for the evening." Celestia said, smiling at me, and then to her sister.
"As exciting and fascinating as that might be, I'm afraid I must decline. As you can see I'm indisposed at the moment, and unfit to travel." I answered motioning to my bandaged rib cage.
"This can be easily remedied." Celestia said, bowing her head, and pointing her horn at my torso. In a flash of pinkish light the pains were gone. I de-bandaged myself, and saw my alleviated core.
"Amazing... absolutely brilliant." I said looking back up at them.
"Now that you are unencumbered, you are free to join us, correct?" Luna said, smiling at me.
"That is correct, but I think it would be wise to inform my friends of this before up and disappearing on them. I wouldn't want to worry anyone." I said, considering just how Rainbow-Dash would react to my leaving a second time.
"I agree. Perhaps we should gather them, and tell everyone." Celestia said, and Luna turned to the window.
"You already know my friends, the holders of the elements of harmony." I almost called them the mane six, but they probably wouldn't know what that meant.
"That makes it considerably easier." Said Celestia, and if I'm not mistaken, I could have sworn she giggled...
"Why is that?" I ask, slightly confused. Celestia looked over to the window, prompting me to turn around. I wheel around, spying the group peeking in through the window.
"Why did I not expect that?" I turn back to the princesses.
"I would like to continue our conversation, but shall we do so in the carriage?" Celestia asked, turning to the side, as to look at me and the doorway.
"I guess, unless of course someone disagrees." I said, looking to the window. Dash waved a hoof in reluctant agreement.
"I have received approval, lead the way princesses." I said, with a bow. They both walked out ahead of me, so I grabbed my shirt, and I closed he door behind us. They walked side by side down the hall, with me just behind them, and as I wiped the sweat from my forehead, I found something odd. I couldn't stop staring at their flanks... I turned my head away, and tried to distract myself, but I found eyes always pulled back. I was starting to think I might have been away from humans too long... my preferences are changing.
Every once and a while they would glance back, and I would meet eyes with them. I was relieved when we actually got to the carriage, and they sat in their seats. I leaned my head out, and waved goodbye to everyone. Just as I did a flash of blue came up, and I felt a warm pair of lips on mine.
It was Dash of course, giving me a goodbye kiss. The taste was starting to become familiar, it was a distinct fiery taste, almost piquant. Her hot breath wreathed my skin. her lips parted, and offered her tongue. I eagerly accepted, and our tongues danced together. I had to break the kiss this time, as it seemed she never wanted to stop. I looked out over the stunned crowd, hearing one "Woohoo!" from Pinkie. Then I turned to see to blushing princesses.
"Come back fast, ok?" Said Dash, and we both smiled.
"I will. Don't worry." I said petting behind her ear. She flew back over with her friends, and they all waved. I waved back and the carriage started moving. As soon as they were out of sight, I turned back, and saw the still flushing faces of the princesses.
"Oh... did I mention I have a marefriend?" I said jokingly.
"In fact you did not." Luna said, with an awkward smile.
"So, tell me... The mark on your torso, what do you think it means?" Celestia asked, changing the subject.
"Oh, umm, Twilight told me it represents the search for wisdom. That it was the same as one Solemn Oath." I recalled, with a shrug.
"The wisdom of Solemn..." She said gently, looking at my shirt, as if to see through it.
"I remember that story, but I've forgotten how it ended." Said Luna, raising a hoof to her chin.
"You know... you kind of underestimate how much you miss being at eye level with people." I accidentally thought aloud. The princesses giggle, and I noticed my mistake.
"I said that out loud, didn't I?" I acknowledged my mishap.
"No, it's quite alright. We understand. I was thinking the same thing not so long ago." Celestia said, looking at Luna with a smile.
"Oh right, 1000 years on the moon also meant 1000 years alone for both of you." I said, thinking about how lonely that must have been.
"It was lonely, but now we're together again. That's what matters." Celestia nodded. Our conversation continued, and we arrived at the castle.
I walked inside, just behind the princesses. This time it was easy to distract myself with the amazing sights of the castle. The statues, the architecture, the hedge maze, all spectacular. We even paid Discord a visit. We came into the main hall, and into the dining room. When we walked in the first thing I saw was princess Mi Amore Cadanza, Shining Armor, and prince Blueblood at the table.
"So I will be dining with all the royalty then?" I ask, and catch everyone's eye.
"Yes, we invited everyone to meet you." Said Luna, taking a chair, as did Celestia.
"We will be dining with that? Why wasn't I informed of this?" Blueblood asked a random servant, who proceeded to panic and run off.
"He has a name Vladimir." Shining armor stated, looking over to Blueblood.
"I'm perfectly fine with calling it it, thank you." He replied, flipping his mane back.
"Don't mind him. Come sit by me." Said Princess Cadance, pulling the chair out for me.
"Thank you." I said, sitting next to her.
"Where are the others?" Celestia asked Blueblood.
"Most of the family won't be able to make it, something about some small crises." He huffed, turning his snout up at me.
"That's too bad, I would have loved to meet the rest of the family." I said, looking down at my plate.
"Exactly what are you anyhow?" Blueblood said abruptly.
"I'm a human, an omnivorous, bipedal, ape, that dominated their planet and every other living species on it." I crossed my arms, and got shocked looks from around the room.
"Well not me specifically, it was thousands of years ago, it was over and done with when I was born." I tried to ease the tension. There was a brief silence, followed by servants bringing us our food.
"So, tell us about your world, this America sounds amazing." Luna said, breaking the silence.
"Alright, America has a population of about three hundred million, we have fifty states in the union, and our leader is democratically elected." I said, recalling simple facts.
"Three hundred million? That sounds like a lot of work for one leader." Said Shining Armor, looking up at me.
"True, that's why each state gets two representatives, and when an issue comes up, they all debate on what they should do. Of course, the President elect can overturn anything they do." I explained, and started eating.
"Interesting, so your President, what sort of magic does he have?" Asked Cadance, taking a bite of... whatever it is we're eating.
"None, humans can't use magic. Most don't even believe it exists." I said, taking another bite, and seeing the again shocked expressions on their faces.
"Surely there must be some magic..." Celestia said in disbelief.
"No the only magic in human history is in fiction, myths, and legends. Granted the latter can be true, it cannot be proven." I said, and Blueblood scoffed.
"Yeah, and next you're going to tell me that you don't control the weather or seasons." He said, shaking his head.
"We don't. It's like the Everfree forest, it controls it's self." I say, and he gave me a look of displeasure.
"If that is all true, then who raises the sun and moon?" Luna asked, She'd not even touched her food.
"No one, those go on there own too." I said, as I continued eating.
Again the room was quiet.
"Humans lived for thousands of years perfecting the arts of science, and engineering. We built marvelous things; we soared to great heights, and sank to new lows. We built machines that let humans fly, travel faster than the speed of sound, and bring you back from the brink of death... but we also built machines that shoot down men that fly, kill at the speed of sound, and bring the end of thousands of lives in an instant..." I said, with a sigh.
"We humans have a history of war. Horrible wars. They say for every year there has been peace, there have been seven of war in America. There is a section of earth that has been waging the same war for so long no one even remembers how it started." I said, taking another bite. I looked up, and saw the looks around the room, shock, disbelief, sadness, and worst, fear.
"I-I'm sorry, human history is not something to be taken all at once." I rubbed my forehead.
"It's ok, you were talking about your home. It's a sensitive subject for you." Cadance said, patting my back.
"Well, how about we talk about here instead. Cadance, Shining Armor, congratulations on the wedding." I said, raising a glass.
"Thank you, from both of us." Cadance said, leaning her head on Shining Armor's shoulder.
"Speaking of romance, how did you and your marefriend meet?" Celestia asked, and Blueblood nearly spit his drink.
"He has a what?" He asked.
"You have a marefriend?" Shining Armor asked, not as astonished as Blueblood, but still surprised.
"Oh," I chuckled nervously "yes. I met her when I was walking down the street, I had just met some of her other friends, and she was a little insulted to be the last to know. Once I told her about what I was, she immediately challenged me to a race, typical if you know Rainbow-Dash. We raced, and she won. That's how we met." I explained, finishing my food.
"Aww, that's so cute." Cadance said, smiling brightly.
"Sounds awful, if you ask me. Getting all sweaty and filthy. How vulgar." Blueblood said, looking off to the side.
"It's actually-" I started, but I stopped when I saw a familiar pair of eyes pass by a doorway. "May I be excused for a moment?" I asked, turning to Celestia.
"Of Course, come back quickly." She answered, and I stood up. "Thank you." I bowed, and walked through the doorway. Following after the shadow of a pony with a top hat. I walked swiftly after him, turning corners, and climbing stairs. I finally came to a door, I opened it, and on the other side was a hall that lead in both directions.The left was blocked off so I went right, and at the end was a door, barred with the same cutie mark as the pony in the hospital room painted on it. I looked through the bars, and saw a figure inside. Suddenly I heard them singing.

The pony stood up at the size of Celestia, with a top hat. He was almost sickly thin, with the same blazing eyes. He turned to the door and walked over to me.
"So you came." The pony said, standing about ten feet away. His air of glee was gone.
"Why are you so much taller? ...What do you mean you're trapped, I saw you walking around outside." I said, more than a little confused.
"This is my actual height. What you saw was an illusion I created. My magic is dampened in this cage, it's about all I can do." He said, sitting and looking off to the side.
"So you brought me here...? Why?" I asked, crossing my arms.
"I wanted you to see the full extent of Celestia's treachery. She couldn't defeat me, but she could lock me in here, and weaken me." He said, looking at me with those contracted pupils.
"I was once her student, learning, and mastering the magical arts... but I was too talented. I got powerful enough to be a threat, and she started acting differently. Everything else was unavoidable. She tricked me into this cage, where I was left to rot for twenty four years." He said laying down, and looking up.
"And why are you telling all this to me?" I asked, shaking my head in disbelief.
"All will be revealed in time brother. Just know, if she is given half a reason, you'll end up in a worse place than me." He stood and walked off to the side, glancing upward.
"Now, you should be going, you have a dinner to attend." He said, shooing me away with his hoof.
"I'll go, but just tell me who you are before I go." I said, turning around.
"Call me... Shallow Graves." He said morbidly, and I walked away.
"Farewell, my friend. May your day be fruitful." He said, and I could hear his hoofbeats echo away. I walked away, and heard him talking to himself as I left. I still wasn't sure weather or not to trust him. What could have happened to him? Celestia certainly didn't put him in there for nothing. I walked my way back up to the dining room, to some degree of difficulty mind you. As I arrived, I was greeted by Luna.
"Welcome back, you didn't get lost did you?" She asked, smiling lightly.
"Actually yes, this castle is bigger than it looks, which is impressive might I add." I came to the foot of the table, taking my place by Cadance.
"As we were saying, ever since Luna's return, she's been getting love notes from a secret admirer." Cadance said, and Luna blushed.
"It's nothing, many stallions admire princesses." Luna said, waving a hoof.
"Maybe so, but how many sent you a poem every day? That you read every day?" Asked Celestia playfully.
"Sister! What are you implying!?" Luna was taken back.
"She's implying that you are smitten for him as well." Shining armor, chuckled.
"I- I- why I never-!" Luna was at a loss for words, and everyone at the table, and even the servants were giggling.
"Calm down sister, it's not like we haven't all had our crushes," Celestia looked at Cadance, and shining armor. "but sometimes they're more than that." The married couple nuzzled each other.
"Well, I do not have a crush." Luna said turning up her snout. We laughed again.

Authors note: There will be many more musical numbers in the future.