All was quiet in Ponyville. Of course, all was ALWAYS quiet in Ponyville. As far as anypony knew, it always would be. It was, after all, a place where nothing important ever happened. Nothing important whatsoever.
Even the visitors had come to be parasitized by the unique and possibly supernatural lackadaisical bucolity of the community. Shining Armor, who had been enumerating the number of sharp angles on counters throughout the town, had started to become sleepy. Cadence, who had already submitted the Royal Report to Celestia approving the town, sat behind him, watching his rump. She was also tired, although largely because Sparkler- -who was at present drifting through a dimension of pure itchiness- -had absorbed part of her virgin-energy. Cadence reflected on this, and wondered if she would have more energy if Shining Armor was not an exceedingly handsome moron.
Somewhere, Applejack was digging a hole. Fluttershy was quivering in a puddle of tears, as per usual. Rainbow Dash was asleep. Rarity had inadvertently bedazzled herself. The mayor was re-learning how to walk, and intending to meet the delegation in her hospital room to sign the new tax bill into law. Pony law. Other ponies were probably doing other things as well.
Derpy, as expected, was derping. This was something she did quite often, and to great benefit, as it repelled Harvestor. To him (or her, depending) it was repellant. In addition to her normal derp, Derpy was quite full and happy. Filthy Rich was almost as nice as Spoiled Rich was, and they had had many fun conversations. Even Diamond Tiara was reasonably cute, despite being slightly porcine. The other girl (who, supposedly, had been bought from furries on the black market) had now been named Silver Spoon, and Derpy legitimately wondered if she was actually her own daughter. Except that she was not a unicorn, which meant the answer was probably “no”.
Yet Derpy did not contemplate this, as her shrapnel-filled brain was not capable of introspection. Only of muffins and incredible technological innovations, as well as muffins. She did not even think about the route she took, or how it brought her close to the Ponyville bond- -and Spoiled Rich, hiding in the bushes with a set of freshly cast concrete shoes.
At least until it was too late. Just as the sun was setting, Spoiled emerged, blocking the only path. Derpy took a moment to see her (her vision was not good, and she was focusing heavily on the strange dimensional distortions that were wandering through her peripheral vision), but she slowed.
“Oh! Spoiled! There you are! I was looking for you!”
“I was looking for you as well. You’re not good at hiding, are you?”
Derpy laughed. She was not. “No. But I wasn’t hiding! I was at your house, with your husband.”
Spoiled’s expression darkened. “Filthy? Why were you in my house?!”
“Oh, you know. Exactly why you would expect. Filthy and I had a lot of fun together!” They had talked about sports, eaten food that was not at all fancy, and then played volleyball, with Derpy and Silver Spoon on one side and Filthy and Diamond Tiara on the other. Derpy, of course, was far to clumps to play normally, but against earth ponies she was almost god-liked, what with being able to (marginally) fly. “Of course, now my wings are so tired! He really gave them a workout!”
Spoiled’s complexion as well as expression suddenly darkened. “What did you do?”
“Exactly what you would expect.”
“If you touched him- -” Spoiled trailed off. “Never mind. It’s about to not matter.”
“Um…why?”
“Derpy. You know I can’t let you leave here, right?”
Derpy paused. “Are we…going camping?”
Spoiled stared at her. “I never thought I’d be saying this to you, but you know too much.”
“I…do?”
“Yes. See, you’ve put me in a very unfortunate position. Unfortunate for you. See, I freely admit, you tricked me. You tricked me hard. I’ve lost leverage.”
“I think there’s a cream for that. Or maybe an ointment?”
“You never did anything illegal. Well, apart from an uncorning, but what little kid hasn’t broken into their stupid unicorn rival’s house and sawed off their horn, or had the cheerleading captain tied down to completely pluck her wings? That’s just a normal prank.”
“Somepony once told me to pluck myself. So I did.” Derpy paused. “It was a mistake. A really bad one. Wings look weird without feathers.”
“ARE YOU EVEN AWARE?!”
“No, not generally.”
Spoiled face-hooved. “You never ONCE killed any of those ponies, did you?”
“Yes I did!” protested Derpy. “I killed them real good!”
“And it never occurred to you that THEY’RE STILL ALIVE?”
“But they…can…wait…” Derpy thought for a moment, and her eyes grew wide. “What? They…they aren’t dead?”
“Yeaaaaah…”
Derpy gasped. “I just don’t know what went wrong!”
No one laughed.
“But that puts me in a bind,” continued Spoiled. “Because I solicited hits. So I could go to jail. Maybe even be given the piñata treatment, who knows? I have the lawyers in my pockets, but there’s too many ponies willing to bring me down. Who knows? Maybe you work for one of them.”
“I work for you. Well, worked. I think I have a job at the post-office now. And I want to start a print shop.”
Spoiled chuckled. “Too bad. Because you don’t have much of a future, do you?”
“Yes I do. As soon as Sparkler gets back from her vacation, and I have my other daughter, we’ll be a happy family!”
Spoiled threw something at Derpy’s feet. It was a bag. Four very well made concrete shoes fell out. “Put them on,” she said.
“Um…I don’t like shoes. They make my hooves hurt. Plus, horseshoes have to be nailed on. I mean, we’d be nailing stuff to our hooves, it’s weird- -”
A large rock was sitting next to Spoiled, minding her own business. Spoiled lifted one of her hooves and punched it. The rock crumbled to dust. Earth ponies, despite getting the short end of the evolutionary stick, had one tiny advantage over the other more genetically superior races: they were exceedingly strong.
“Put them on. Or the next one goes in your head.” Spoiled smiled. “Or maybe in your uterus.”
“I have a uterus? I’m a pony. I don’t even have genitals.”
“PUT THEM ON.”
Derpy winced. She did not like being yelled at. It reminded her of her parents. So she slid the concrete boots on. Instantly, though, she recognized the material, and it brought her back.
“Hey, I know what this is! It’s fauxcrete! I helped invent this stuff!” She smiled at Spoiled. “I had no idea that you were so environmentally conscious!”
“The environment can ride an obese griffon cock, and so can you!”
Derpy gasped. “Do you actually have one, or are you just getting my hopes up? I love riding cocks! And hens, but only if they’re not very mean.”
Spoiled pointed at the lake. “Walk.”
“But I’m not headed in that direction- -”
“Walk, or I throw you.”
“But- -”
Spoiled did not hesitate. She picked Derpy up- -concrete shoes and all- -and lobbed her right into the center of the pond. Ideally, there would have been no witnesses for this, but only a few minutes earlier Rainbow Dash’s bedroom had disintegrated in a stiff breeze and her cloud-bed had drifted into the area. She had just started to awaken when Derpy splashed into the water.
Rainbow Dash gasped and immediately rushed to the water. Below, she saw Spoiled Rich cheering and racing to the end of an eroded dock that led out over the water.
“Ha! HA! I did it! I KILLED HER!”
“What did you do?!” cried Rainbow Dash.
Spoiled looked up. “I just told you, you moronic homosexual- -”
At that instant, the dock beneath Spoiled, already badly decayed from years of disuse, buckled under her weight and collapsed. She did not even have a chance to scream. She just dipped into the water with barely a splash.
Rainbow Dash stared for a moment. “Great,” she said. “Now I have to decide which one I save. I mean, it’ll totally be Derpy, but this is SO going to traumatize me…”
Something bubbled in the water, and suddenly Derpy floated to the surface. In fact, she did more than float; she emerged upright and floated for a moment on the top of the water, standing, stabilizing herself with her wings.
Rainbow Dash gasped. “It’s a miracle!”
“It is?” Derpy looked down, then up. “Oh! Rainbow Dash! Are you about to go for a swim? I never took you for one who’d be skinny dipping!”
Rainbow Dash did not even notice her wings suddenly extending. “But…you’re wearing concrete shoes.”
Derpy looked down. “Oh no, this is fauxcrete. I used to make boats out of this stuff. I mean, you couldn’t form real concrete into boots like this.” She smiled. “And these are REALLY nice boots! Real quality!”
“They are pretty sexy.”
“And boyish! Just like you!”
Rainbow Dash blushed heavily. “You mean ‘buoyant’?”
“Maybe!”
Derpy looked around. “Um…where’s Spoiled?”
“Oh. She fell in the water.” Rainbow Dash pointed. “Actually, she didn’t come up yet. Which is weird. I mean, doesn’t water usually reject witches? Like, they float right up to the surface?”
Derpy gasped. “Spoiled doesn’t know how to swim!”
“Oh, well, she’s done- -HEY!”
Derpy had kicked off her concrete shoes sand chucked them at Rainbow Dash. One had pegged her in the head.
“Go get help!” she called.
“Wait, help? I mean, morally, this probably isn’t okay, but shouldn’t we just- -”
Derpy took a deep breath and dove. Without the concrete shoes, it was easy to sink. Even after many decades, she was still able to recall her extensive military training, which included water landings. Derpy had in fact made a water landing with shrapnel in her face and one wing nonfunctional, and survived that. This was easy in comparison.
Except that the pond was surprisingly deep, and surprisingly cold. Still, Derpy forced herself downward, flailing her legs but primarily guiding herself with her wings. The whole lake was full of water and associated water weeds. Derpy saw some bladderwort going by, and almost became distracted. Then she remembered that the life of her best friend was counting on her, and she dove even deeper.
The water became dark, but Derpy forced herself deeper. She was already running out of air when she saw a glimmer of jewelry. Derpy accelerated and realized it was Spoiled.
Derpy tried to call out, only to suddenly remember that she was under water. She inhaled some, and found it tasted exactly like she expected it would.
Ignoring the pain, she grabbed Spoiled- -and Spoiled immediately grabbed back.
Derpy knew what this was. She recalled that sometimes drowning ponies would grab on to their rescuers so tightly that both would be pulled to the bottom. What she had not expected was that the drowning party would be so very strong, and that would wrap her hooves exclusively around the rescuing party’s throat.
The world began to fade to black. Derpy felt sleepy, but supposed that was probably okay. A little nap, and she would get right back to work. Just a little underwater sleep with Spoiled hugging her neck…
Then, suddenly, the darkness was filled with light. Sparkler cavitated next to her, causing the water to vibrate as her body flickered with the last of the life force she had stolen from Cadence. The water was acting as a neutron modulator, so she did not have much time.
Sparkler began to circle, pushing the water out of the way as she did. The water formed a vortex, and Derpy- -now largely unconscious- -was lifted up by the growing waterspout. Spoiled was almost left behind, but Derpy gained just enough consciousness to grab onto her by her shirt and haul her up into the vortex.
They rose quickly, rising through the air, and then were deposited hard onto the grassy shore. By this time, Rainbow Dash had acquired most of the town, largely by grabbing them and carrying them very rapidly to the shore (and throwing some right in, expecting them to know what they were doing). Fortunately, several of those were pulled up by Sparkler’s vortex as well.
Derpy was thrown onto the ground and immediately coughed, expelling water, bladderwort, and a small fish- -as well as a whole, unchewed breadstick.
“Huh?” she said, groggily looking at the bread. “But I only ate two…”
Her throught was interrupted by a sudden blow to the head. The crowd screamed, but Derpy did not. She was just confused as to why she suddenly had moved, or why Spoiled was standing over her with a broken piece of the dock in her hooves.
“My head…oh, wait!” Derpy gasped. “I can SEE! My eyes aren’t Derped! And- -and I feel my mind clearing- -”
Another blow to the face. “Oh. Ow.” Derpy blinked. “Oh. I’m back. Derped again. Oh, hi Spoiled! I had muffins, but I ate them!”
“Why won’t you DIE?!”
The next blow went right into Derpy’s gut. This time, Derpy screamed a word that ponies were not allowed to say, and then doubled over. “NO! Not my baby!”
“Stupid derped baby, I don’t even CARE! It would be born an idiot anyway, it’s better this way!”
Spoiled raised the board again. There was a nail in it. Derpy was done for- -or would have been, if Spoiled was not suddenly trapped in a shell of golden magic.
“Don’t do that,” sighed a very, very tiny voice.
Derpy blinked, confused. The voice was not in her head like usual. She looked behind Spoiled and gasped. Standing behind the earth-mare was the world’s tiniest filly, a gray one that was no more than six inches tall. She looked extremely annoyed, and her tiny horn was holding Spoiled in a suspension field.
“You- -you got born!” cried Derpy. She paused. “But…you’re like a month old. You’re not ready! Get back in!”
“Um, no. For the record, being inside you is harrowing. The most harrowing part of my life. I figured you had a fifty-fifty chance when she threw you in the water, so I decided to screw it and, you know, get born.”
“Well, you’re very adorable and well-spoken for a fetus!”
“Thank you. I had to use an age spell.” She looked at herself. “Needless to say, it didn’t go so well, but I’m like five minutes old. Give me a break.”
“I think you’re ADORABLE!” Derpy scooped her up, and Spoiled dropped onto the ground. “You’re so little! I shall name you Dinky!”
“That’s not a real name.”
“Then Dinkamena!”
“Also not a name.” Dinky sighed. “But close enough, I guess.” She looked up with her huge (relative to body size) eyes. “Hi, mom!”
The crowd, formally somewhat disturbed, now released a pleasant “aww”- -at least until Sparkler materialized with a detonation that threw several wet ponies right back into the lake.
“Sparkler!” cried Derpy. “You’re back!”
“Yes,” said Sparkler. “I finally managed to synch my dimensional frequency. I’m back. By the way, Starlight Glimmer say’s ‘hi’.”
“Oh. Do I know who that is?”
“Not yet.” Sparkler paused. “I think I was time-travelling. So, just for full disclosure, I think I might have become my own grandmother.”
Derpy gasped. “So THAT’S why you look so much like my mom.” Derpy held up Dinky. “Look! I gave birth!”
Sparkler waved. “Hello. I’m your sister. And probably also your grandmother.”
“Greetings. I am a tiny filly. She named me Dinky.”
“You can change it later. I was named Sparkly-Butt until I could talk.” Sparkler took a deep breath. “No, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to be uncioncious now. Nice meeting you Dinky.”
“You as well, sister!”
Sparkler then promptly collapsed. She was not breathing at first, but then loud snores filled the town. It was the first time Derpy had seen Sparkler sleep in over a decade. Mainly because, by instinct alone, Rainbow Dash had not fetched her any virgins.
“Aww,” said Derpy. “She looks so cute!” She turned to Dinky. “So. Do you need milkies or something? Because I don’t have breasts.”
“I only crave the blood of the innocent.”
“Oh. Well, I don’t have any of that.”
“Then I will tolerate baked goods.”
“Like…muffins?”
Dinky rolled her eyes, but Derpy looked so very excited. “Yes,” she sighed. “I will accept muffins. But not too much sugar! And bring me foalic acid!”
“Of course, as soon as we get back- -”
Derpy was promptly hit in the side of the head with a rotted dock-plank.
“Hey!” cried Dinky. “That’s not fair, you can’t- -”
Spoiled kicked Dinky hard in the face. The crowd gasped, as Spoiled had literally just kicked a baby.
Spoiled, now insane with rage, dropped onto Derpy and began to strangle her.
“YOU LITTLE HORSE!” she wheezed. “JUST DIE!”
“Gah…choking!” choaked Derpy.
Spoiled squeezed harder. “THEN CHOKE!”
Then, in an instant, Spoiled screamed as she was forcibly peeled away by blue magic. As she was turned in the air, her rage only increased when she saw that she was getting lifted by a tall, perfect pink unicorn in a ridiculous green sweater.
“Put me down you fat horse!” she screamed. “You think because you have that grotesque organ sticking out of your head you have the right to meddle in the affairs of REAL ponies? Do you even know who I am? I’m SPOILED RICH! I could buy and sell you, if you weren’t so ugly that nobody would buy you for anything except slapping your skinny rump! Now put- -ME- -DOWN!”
Cadence glared at her. “You know what? I just can’t do this anymore.”
Spoiled smirked. “That’s a good girl. Of course you should recognize your superiors- -”
Cadence tore off her sweater and stood before the town naked save for a hair bow. She spread her massive, grape-scented wings. “BEHOLD THINE GOD!” she screamed in (although she had sworn she would never use it) the Royal Canterlot Voice.
Spoiled blanched to gray, and the entire town began to scream in absolute terror.
“They’re real!” screamed somepony. “They’re actually REAL! ALICORNS ARE REAL!!”
“GAAAAH! Don’t punish me for my sins! I didn’t mean to!”
“Don’t eat me!”
“SIILENCE!” demanded Cadence, and the entire town went silent. “NOW BOW TO YOUR ONE TRUE GOD!”
The town, shaking and weeping, did so. By about this time, Shining Armor had ran up.
“Oh come on- -Cadence, you’re doing the divine intervention thing again!”
“SILENCE YOU SEXY MORTAL!”
Shining Armor gasped. “You think I’m sexy?”
Cadence sighed, and dropped the Royal Canterlot Voice. “Shining, you’re adorable, but you couldn’t be more thick.”
“She wants to have your babies!” whispered Derpy.
“Dude, even I could tell that,” said Dinky. “Before I was born.”
Shining Armor darkened several shades. Cadence, however, turned her attention toward Spoiled.
“No. I suppose I ought to make a demand.”
“I have money! I can pay you!”
Cadence shook her head. “The last mare that insulted me was named Twilight Velvet. I demanded her firstborn son for compensation.”
“Would you take a daughter? I’m sure she’d be delicious! Lots of bacon!”
“I do NOT eat ponies!” snapped Cadence, stamping her hoof. “That is a MYTH! And anyway, that’s Celestia, not me! I am Cadence, the living embodiment of LOVE!”
The ponies before her cringed and wept.
“Now,” continued Cadence, “I just witnessed you beating a mare. A mare who did nothing wrong- -”
“She refused me!”
“Because YOU tried to force her to KILL. Which, mind you, is illegal. I would know, I wrote most of your laws over the last four centuries.”
“Wait a minute!” cried Shining Armor. “How old are you?!”
“I’m- -” Cadence turned her head and let out an exasperated sigh. “Shining! Put her down! NOW!”
Shining Armor blushed, embarrassed that he had been caught attempting to abscond with Sparkler’s unconscious body. He had already slung her over his back and hauled her almost out of the group, but upon being seen, he slowly dumped her into a sleepy heap.
“Now,” said Cadence, “as I was saying. Were I Celestia, I would probably have you frosted and plated. Unless you were male, then I would snuggle you indiscriminately. Or, at this point, just send you TO THE MOON.” Spoiled cringed at the last one, but Cadence smiled. “But I’m not Celestia. I am Best Princess. So I am willing to give divine forgivness to all parties present…under two conditions.”
“You can’t pardon her! She’s nothing but a dirty Pegasus! Look at her, she has WINGS!”
“I also have wings.” Cadence rubbed the appendages in Spoiled’s face until she coughed. “Fuzzy, aren’t they?”
“Get them out of my face- -”
“TELL ME THEY ARE FUZZY AND SOFT.”
Something dripped beneith Spoiled, and she was suddenly glad that she did not wear pants. “They are fuzzy! And soft!”
Cadence smiled. “There. Now, my two conditions. First, you and Ditzy will kiss and make up. Second, I will get to hug that freaky talking baby.”
“I do not agree!” squeaked Dinky, waving her hoof. “Send her to the moon! Punish her in the name of Divine Glory!”
Derpy quieted her. “I agree,” she said. “I don’t want to go to the moon, I hear there’s some sort of horrible monster there. A terrifying beast!”
“Not for much longer,” said Cadence, darkly.
“What?”
“Never mind.” She set Spoiled down. “Bring me the baby!”
Derpy approached and passed off Dinky. Cadence giggled and laughed, and as she stated, hugged the baby. Dinky tolerated it for her mother’s sake.
“Oh! She’s so soft!”
“I am indeed soft,” agreed Dinky. “But don’t squeeze so hard, I haven’t developed proper bones yet.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“I’m sure your babies will be just as soft! Softer, even!” Derpy giggled.
“Well, if Shining Armor would- -SHINING! I told you to put her DOWN!”
“But she smells like French fries!” whined Shining. He had already affixed false wings to Sparkler’s back and was in the process of combing her fluffy hair into bangs.
“Do it again and I’ll uncorn you and parade you through the street. AGAIN.” Cadence turned back to Spoiled and Derpy. “Now. Unless you want me to throw you the royal dungeon- -and not the fun one- -kiss and make up.”
Spoiled stared at Cadence, then at Derpy, and then finally sighed. She stretched out her hoof, and spoke through gritted teeth. “I apologize.”
“It’s not an expression,” snapped Cadence. “I meant to kiss. Literally.”
Spoiled made a horrified face. “I will NOT! Not if you were Celestia herself! Send me to the moon! Bake me into a cake! I will NEVER kiss a filthy, dirty, foul Pega- -”
Derpy leaned forward and swept Spoiled off her feet, dipping her low- -and kissed her. Deeply. With a great deal of Derpy-tongue. Rainbow Dash, who had been flying, suddenly cried out and crashed into a pile of mares due to her wings suddenly growing incredibly rigid. The rest of the crowd was somewhat disturbed, and wondered if they should be watching this.
Then Derpy disconnected. “Wow!” she said. “No wonder Filthy likes you so much!”
“I…I kissed…I kissed the derp…”
“And all is forgiven! YAY!” Derpy raised her hooves over her head, and Spoiled fell to the ground. “Oops! Sorry! But Ms. Cadence says our fight is over now, so we can be friends!”
Derpy extended her hoof to help Spoiled up. Spoiled looked at it, and perhaps because the whole town was watching- -or perhaps the goddess of love, the second most vengeful alicorn- -was watching, she did something she never thought she would. She wiped her mouth and reached up, taking Derpy’s hoof.
And Derpy helped her up. And all was well.