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// Chapter 17: The Unicorn 
// Story: Derpy Deeds (Done Dirt Cheap!) 
// by Unwhole Hole 
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“That was close! I was sure they’d see me!” Derpy laughed as she ran through the town. Her attempt at distraction had worked, and now the path was clear.
Then it occurred to her that although the path was open, she was not sure where it went. Derpy immediately ground to a halt and derped as she thought. There really had been no plan. She could not exactly go home, because that would be the first place they would look- -and it would possibly endanger Sparkler. Likewise, she had no friends that she was aware of that would hide her. She supposed the only option was to go to Spoiled Rich, but that would require going all the way back through town in the opposite direction.
Except that this plan would never come to fruition. Barely sixteen minutes after Derpy had stopped to think, a guard came around the corner- -but not just any guard. A white unicorn with a long blue mane, dark hooves, and one dressed in amethyst armor. He was the leader, and he was the sexiest of them all- -or would have been, had he not been standing next to an immensely tall pink unicorn in a green sweater. The unicorn’s horn was so immense that it made the captain’s look tiny by comparison, and he seemed short next to her. 
“GAH!” cried Derpy. “No! Not the piñata!” 
She did not watch where she was going, and stepped over and embankment on the edge of the road. With a loud squeak, she fell, rolling down the rocky precipice and into a muddy river below. 
Derpy landed hard in the mud and gasped, inhaling quite a bit of it. She began to choke and drown, but out of sheer will managed to pull herself onto shore. Coughing and sputtering, she tried to escape- -only to have a long shadow suddenly cast over her. 
Derpy looked up to see the tall pink unicorn mare looming over her. Her tricolor hair was tied back, and her eyes were enormous and strangely shaped. Derpy had heard that there were tall unicorns in Canterlot, but she had never known that they were THIS tall- -or this terrifying.
So Derpy curled up, trying to protect her unborn foal. “Please!” she wept. “Not the glue factory! Don’t make me go to the glue factory! The hours are terrible- -and they don’t let you unionize- -and the dental insurance is TERRRRIBLE!” She began to sob, knowing that it was all over. 
“The glue factory- -why would I- -what are you- -” The unicorn sighed, and lowered her horn. Derpy squealed as she was picked up in magic- -but was confused as she was brought to one of the drier portions of the shore. 
“Wh- -where are we going?”
“You’re all covered in mud. Are you okay? I’m sorry, we must have startled you when we came around the corner- -”
Derpy stared at her, shaking with pure fright. She kept expecting to see the mare produce a rope to begin the piñata process. Or maybe she was just going to beat Derpy here and take all the candy for herself. Derpy thought that was probably most likely. 
“It’s all the gross kind! Licorice! Those little wafers that taste like antacid! Unlabeled hard-candy!”
The mare stared, looking concerned. She put her thin hoof on Derpy’s forehead. “Did you hit your head?”
“At some point,” admitted Derpy. She coughed, producing more mud as well as a second unchewed breadstick. “Oh,” she said. “I didn’t even know I ate two to start with!”  
The mare sat down, and put both hooves on Derpy’s shoulders. The hooves, like the rest of mare they attached to, were weirdly hairless, like Sparkler was. Her horn glowed, and suddenly Derpy felt slightly more addled than normal. 
“There,” said the unicorn. She adjusted her sweater. Derpy found it odd that she was wearing it, considering how warm it was outside. “My name is Cadence. I’m pleased to meet you.” 
“That’s a pretty name.” 
“Thank you. Do you have a name.”
“Yes.” Derpy paused as Cadence waited.
“Can you tell it to me?”
“Also yes.” Another long pause.
“And…”
“And? Oh! My name is Ditzy Antigone Doo VIII. Or Derpy, because I have drain bramage and my eyes are messed up.” 
“Ditzy Doo? That’s strange.”
“Not really. I think my parents hated me.” 
“No, not that. It’s just that that’s the same name of the scientist who invented the aurous ceramic used to make armor for the Royal Guard.” 
“Ceramic?”
Cadence nodded. “Yes. As light as cloth but harder than steel, and resistant to magic- -”
“- -and edible in case of emergencies.”
Cadence’s eyes suddenly narrowed, and Derpy squeaked with fright. This mare, though adorable, was double her size- -and could be very scary. “How did you know that?” she demanded. “That’s a state secret!”
“How did I- -because it’s me!”
“It’s- -what?”
“It’s muffinite! I invented it!” Derpy pointed at herself. “After I graduated university!”
Cadence stared at her, and then smiled. “I KNEW I recognized that name! So that big mansion outside town must be your house, then!”
Derpy derped. “What? No. I can’t afford a mansion, I don’t have any money.”
Cadence looked confused. “Well that’s weird…because we pay a royalty to the patent-holder every month. A ROYAL royalty. Transferred directly into her bank account. It’s something like a hundred thousand per payment.” 
“Bank account?” Derpy was confused. “I had a bank account once. But it’s gone now.”
“Gone?”
Derpy nodded. “I forgot the PIN.”
Cadence stared at her for a long moment. “You know you can just walk in and have them give it to you, right?”
Derpy gasped. “I can?”
“Yes?”
“Oh. No, I didn’t know that.” 
“Well, you can. You might want to check that, too.” 
“If I can even make it,” sighed Derpy.
“Why wouldn’t you be able to make it?”
“Because the Royal Guard is trying to catch me! They’re going to hang me by my wings and beat the candy out of me, and then send me to the glue factory! Spoiled Rich told me so!”
Cadence looked up at the precipice, and then swore. “My own sexy flank- -I told him this would happen! I said ‘Shiny, why don’t you just send me? I blend in’. But nooooo, he just haaaaad to send a whole platoon of uniformed guards. ‘I have to be sure it’s safe for Twily’! Safe my tight cheeks, it’s Ponyville! You couldn’t get much safer if you wrapped her in bubble-wrap!” She groaned and put her hoof to the base of her enormous throbbing horn. “Right,” she said to Derpy. “They scared you. I’m really sorry about it. But trust me, Shiny’s not scary, he’s like a marshmallow. A marshmallow with a ridiculous voice.”
“You think he’s cute.”
Cadence blushed. “Well…maybe…um…”
“Don’t worry, I think he’s cute too! But…so…are the guards not trying to send me to the glue factory?”
“No. Nopony’s trying to…um… ‘send you to the glue factory’. 
“Good! My telepathic fetus will be so happy!”
Cadence looked at her. “You’re pregnant?”
“Yes!”
“Great. So we just scared a pregnant mare into a mud pit and almost drowned her. Just great.”
“Well, great I didn’t drown to death.”
“Oh, no, I didn’t- -never mind. Come on. How about I take you to lunch? If you promise not to sue us?”
“Can we have muffins?”
“Yes, but only AFTER you eat your meal. Desert doesn’t come first!”
“But- -”
“No buts! You need nutrition or your baby will be slow!”
“Like me!”
“Sure, like- -” Cadence grimaced. “Sure. Come on.” She levitated Derpy, as well as herself, carrying them out of the pit. Her magic was substantially more powerful than that of a normal unicorn, and felt different. Derpy was not sure why. 
“So,” said Derpy. “How did you know all that stuff bout muffinite?”
Cadence sputtered. “I- -uh- -I know the Minister of Conquest personally.”
Derpy gasped. “You know Minister Mi’Amore Cadenza?” She whispered. “Is he as scary as they say he is?”
Cadence chuckled. “Only sometimes.” Then she frowned. “Hey, wait. Who says I’m- -I mean the Minister- -is scary?!”