Derpy moved swiftly and silently- -or, by “swiftly”, as fast as a pregnant mare could waddle, and by “silently” it meant hitting every twig, branch, tree, hole, muskrat, and bucket that the forest had to offer as she moved through it.
She knew where Fluttershy lived. Fluttershy, after all, was a witch. She live on the outskirts of town in a strange shack where she communed with various familiars, sending them forth to cause misdeeds and torment in Ponyville (there was also a witch who lived in the swamp, but she was a zebra, and a swamp-witch, and Derpy had always had good relationships with swamp-anythings).
The deed had to be done. Derpy, though shaking and terrified, knew that there was no other option. Spoiled was right: it was either this or the glue factory. She had already killed too many ponies, and it was too late to go back. Fluttershy would be difficult, but easy enough.
She paused and produced a cravat. A gaudy, ugly one. She shivered. Derpy did not actually know the rather gruesome nature of a Catrillian necktie (which was not a tie at all), so instead she had acquired a necktie from Catrillia. It was the most gaudy and hideous rayon thing she had ever seen, and just looking at it made her want to turn her muffins. After all, Spoiled Rich had been very specific: when they found Fluttershy, she would indeed not be pretty. Not pretty at all.
Suddenly she came to a clearing and ducked low. Peering through the bushes- -bushes that, unknown to her, a great many stallions had stared through on a regular basis- -she saw a river. Fluttershy was just emerging from it, dripping and shimmering with water. Several birds immediately descended on her, bringing a towel. Other animals were present too, of every type: a bear, some large spiders, rats, mice, rabbits, a goat, and even a group of trash-pandas. Derpy sighed with relief; at least there were no churpos.
Unfortunately, apart from the animals, Fluttershy was not alone. Sitting at the river-bank, slowly munching on a sandwich, was none other than Rainbow Dash. Apparently, the pair were friends, despite Fluttershy being quite obviously far older. Perhaps even immortal and ageless (in a demonic sense), at least in Derpy’s eyes.
“…and then my wings went out. AGAIN. Flutters, I don’t know.” Their eyes met. “I know it sounds really weird…but I think I dig mares.”
Fluttershy stared back, and then rolled her eyes. “Oh my!” she said, feigning surprise. “I would never have guessed!”
“I know, right?” laughed Rainbow Dash, clearly not observing the sarcasm. “So weird!”
Fluttershy laughed humorlessly. “So…um…I wouldn’t want to be pushy, but…I’m all wet and vulnerable, so…”
“What?” Rainbow Dash’s eyes suddenly lit up. “OH! Ha, sorry! I didn’t realize I was making you feel uncomfortable! No, you don’t have to worry about anything, Flutters! I don’t find you attractive at ALL!”
Fluttershy’s expression fell. “Of course,” she said. “How very…comforting.”
“I was built for speed, not comfort! But then again I am really, REALLY soft…not as soft as you, though. You’re like a sack of butter wrapped in dryer lint. I just don’t know how you do it.”
“I don’t know if that was as much of a compliment as you meant it to be. I mean, I wouldn’t want to think you would be trying to ruin my fragile, sensitive feelings but- -”
Derpy leaned forward and stepped on a small oak twig. It snapped loudly.
The resulting scream was deafening. The intensity of the shriek was so loud that Rainbow Dash was thrown backward into the river, clearly not having realized that Fluttershy had that capacity for volume. Fluttershy, meanwhile, was writing on the ground in abject terror.
“Somepony’s trying to kill me!” she shreaked. “Help, HELP! I’m being murdered! Bloody murder! BLOODY MURDER! BLOOOODDDDY MUUUURDER!”
Derpy had been had. She had no idea how Fluttershy had seen her, but she had, and she knew exactly what Derpy was trying to do. This had never happened before, and Derpy was suddenly terrified (and somewhat deaf). As such, she immediately scurried away, knowing that she had to run- -because now THEY would be after her. Visions of piñatas filled her head as she fled, and she knew she must run.
Rainbow Dash, meanwhile, poked her head out of the stream. “Fluttershy! COME ON! What in Celestia’s treetrunk pasterns was THAT?!”
Fluttershy squeaked and then blushed heavily. “Sorry,” she whispered. “I heard a noise, and I got scared.”
Rainbow Dash stared at her for a long moment. “What?!”
“Oh my! I’ve made you deaf! I’m so sorry!”
“WHAT?!”
Fluttershy smiled slyly. “Dummy says ‘what’?”
“WHAT?!”
Fluttershy chuckled to herself, and wondered for a moment what she had actually heard. She supposed it was probably just a branch falling or something. Nothing of consequence at all. And certainly not something worthy of the piñata treatment.
Derpy fled into town. When she got there, though, she instantly knew that the stories were true: that whoever made Fluttershy cry was sure to die. And horribly, although “horribly” did not rhyme well with “die” or “cry”.
Ponyville did not have a police force, nor did it have any guards of any sort- -but on this particular day, the entire town was flooded with tall, gold-clad white and gray ponies. The Royal Guard had come, and Derpy knew why. It was because she had been had, and now they were after her.
She let out a lout “eep!” as several passed by her, and she ducked into an alley, diving under a drunk and hiding as a pair passed. She held her breath, knowing that being caught was a one-way ticket to having her “candy” beaten out, and then to the glue factory.
Two white unicorns stopped at the end of the alley. Derpy had to try her hardest to keep her wings from pomfing open and throwing the berry-scented drunk off her back; white unicorns were, after all, the most pure and genetically perfect race of ponies. And, as evidenced by her daughters, Derpy liked unicorns even more than she liked griffons.
Then, to her horror, they walked into the alley. Derpy felt tears rolling down her face, but she remained still.
“Huh,” said one of the guards. “You know, it smells like muffins in here.”
“All I smell is horses,” said the other. He gasped. “Do you think they make muffins…out of HORSES?”
“The captain already went over this. They’re probably not cannibals.”
“P- -probably?”
“I don’t know, this is the backside of nowhere. And trust me, I was on Celestia’s personal retinue last rotation, and I KNOW backsides.”
“Why did you leave?” The guard gasped. “Did you flop a cake?”
The other guard looked horrified, then angry. “Don’t even joke about that!” he hissed. “That’s how you end up getting hung by your horn and having the candy beaten out of you! Then you get transferred to somewhere bad!”
“Like…where?”
The guard leaned in close. “If the legends are true? TO THE MOON!”
Both guards shuddered.
“Come on,” said one. “We have to get back to work. The captain said we have to search the whole town.”
“But why?”
“You know why. For…HER.”
The guards shuddered again. “Hey,” said one, looking around. “You know what I heard about her? That’s she’s some sort of monster. Like, burned with acid or all full of dark magic and stuff. Glowing eyes and everything!”
“I heard that she’s the worst of the worst, so dangerous that Celestia wants her kept away from everypony and everything. Forever. I mean, if ponies were to find out about her, what she does? The whole of Equestria would collapse from panic alone!”
Derpy shivered, absolutely sure that they were talking about her.
“I think she’s some kind of wizard,” said one, whispering.
“No. No way. She’s got to be a WITCH.”
The drunk that Derpy was hiding under snorted and sat up. “Excuse me,” she slurred, pointing at the guards. “I’m trying to be passed out here! It isn’t easy- -HIC- -sleeping in an alley, let alone on a pony!” She pointed to Derpy beneath her. “So either buy me some punch or shut yer pie-holes!”
Derpy screamed and fluttered out from under the drunk. “Don’t take my candy! DON’T TAKE MY CANDY!”
She flew down the alley, ramming into several trash cans, a dumpster, a wall, and the ground several times. She was absolutely sure that the guards were following her. They were, however, not. Instead, they were watching, confused.
“Who was that?” asked one.
“A resident,” said a third voice, and both the guards stiffened. From the shadows, a large auburn Pegasus in golden armor suddenly appeared.
“L- -Lieutenant Spearhead!” they both cried, standing at attention. The drunk tried to stand at attention too, but she fell over and passed back out.
“We talked about this, guys,” he said, a smile on his face, as if he were about to chuckle. “We’re not supposed to frighten the residents. You got that?”
“Yes sir!”
“And…” He put his front hooves on their shoulders, and they gulped. “That ‘which’ is the captain’s sister. And Celestia’s personal student. And the reason we’re here. To see if this town will really resonate with her personality. And be safe. Do you guys understand that?”
They nodded. Both were sweating.
“Good, good. I can totally forgive you. Or I will. After you two check the sewers.”
“For…for what?”
“For what else? Monsters. Snakes specifically. The big, long, biting ones. But also drowners. There’s ALWAYS drowners.”
The guards gulped, and began to cry- -but they knew better than to disobey.
“Excellent,” said Spearhead, smiling. “Totally excellent.”
Derpy, of course, heard none of this, because she was already halfway across town. By this time, she had fully lost control of her wings, and they were incredibly stiff. Part of that was out of fear- -that could happen, sometimes, due to the stimulation of the sympathetic nervous system- -but also because the town was so very fully of muscular, glistening unicorn stallions. Derpy wanted them to be put into a single large pile for her to jump into on a cold night. Of course, she knew that these stallions were not interested in snuggling. They were interested in catching Ponyville’s most notorious murderer.
With her wings stiff, Derpy was unable to fly. Instead, the best she could hope for was to waddle quickly between buildings. She had an impression that she was being stealthy. In fact, she was sure of it, despite the fact that the majority of guards she passed did, indeed, see her, and dismissed her as a local weirdo. They were, after all, busy inspecting the town for snakes, drowners, handsome stallions, and other potential threats to the Princess’s most favorite student. The student that they all “knew” she was secretly snuggling every night.
Derpy hid behind a large crate of apples and peaked out, watching a small group of extremely sexy guards passing, their perfectly shined golden armor gleaming as they went. Derpy stared at them, and then hid behind the box completely. She looked down at her belly, which contained a partially-formed unicorn foal.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she whispered, starting to cry. “I wasn’t thinking! I didn’t think of the consequences! If they get me- -then they get you TOO! I can’t let that happen!” She rubbed her belly. “But don’t worry. I’ll find a way out of this, I promise.”
A voice sounded in her head. “Mom. You’re way overreacting. They’re not even after you.”
“Shh, shh,” said Derpy. “What do you know anyway? You’re just a voice in my head. Or maybe a telepathic fetus? Are you a telepathic fetus?”
There was no answer. Derpy assumed she was hallucinating out of fear, and from having all of her blood in her wings.
She peeked out from behind the crate again. The guards had stopped for lunch. They were eating apples, as would be expected. It was the primary food source in Ponyville, apart from the carrots that nopony ever talked about.
“I have to get past them,” she said. She stroked her chin, thinking, all the while derping severely. “But to do it, I’ll need a distraction…”
“So,” said one guard. “These are apples.”
“Yeah.”
“They taste like…fruit.”
“You taste like fruit,” said a third.
“Oh, burn!”
“Well your mother tastes like fruit!”
“We have the same mother, idiot!”
“Wait- -we do?”
“Yeah. I mean, we’re all siblings, right?”
The group looked at each other. They were all identical.
“Well, great. That’s just great! Because I was stallion-snuggling that guy, and now you made it weird!”
Suddenly, a gray pony leapt into the street.
“DISTRACTION!” she screamed as she thrashed about in the dust. “Distraction! DISSSSTRACTION!”
The guards stared at her, not understanding and a little bit afraid. The gray Pegasus continued to roll and scream, until eventually she stopped and sat up. She looked at them- - her eyes could encompass the entire group without moving, as they faced different distances- -then she got up and ran.
Simultaneously, the group of guards looked at each other- -and then set their apples down.