Derpy Deeds (Done Dirt Cheap!)

by Unwhole Hole


Chapter 15: Death to Fluttershy

The food was expensive. Unfortunately, not nearly expensive enough. Spoiled Rich sighed. There was very little reason to bother eating out in a town so minor that it only had a diner and one marginally different restraint. The food she could eat at home- -delicious, juicy steak, largely- -was far superior.
Of course, she had been busy and not had a chance to go back home. As such, she had rented out the entire restraint and decided to have a meal. She was in a good mood, so she had brought her assassin with her to make it a business lunch. Derpy, of course, got no food. Neither did Diamond Tiara- -who was accompanying, even though Spoiled was deeply ashamed to be seen in public with her- -apart from a small amount of kale.
Diamond Tiara looked up. “Mom, can you pass the dressing?”
Spoiled swatted her hard in the back of the heat, nearly knocking her tiara off. “YOU will address me as ‘Mother’ or ‘Mrs. Rich’, and I do not ‘PASS’. DEMAND from the weight staff.” Spoiled at another piece of delicate, rare sliced truffles. Deep fried, of course, because she hated mushrooms. “Not that you need it. You’re already downright porcine. Lose some weight. And fix your tiara, you slob.”
Diamond Tiara suppressed her tears, stiffened, and straightened her tiara. “Yes, mother.”
“And don’t talk. I’m busy and your voice is annoying.”
Spoiled turned to Derpy, who was derping with extreme vigor. One eye was looking out the window at the passing ponies, and the other was watching Diamond Tiara intently.
“Are you eying my daughter?”
“I’m eying lots of things,” replied Derpy. She blinked, and her eyes were facing two entirely different directions. Neither were toward Spoiled Rich. “Sometimes, if I look hard enough, I can see…things.”
“Things?”
“Tall alicorns that never blink. The void beyond reality. Sometimes the Eye of the Th’oth, but only on humid days. Oh! And muffins. ASTRAL muffins…”
Derpy began to drool. Spoiled made a disgusted face, although she was not sure if Derpy was joking. She in fact seemed to be looking just over Spoiled’s shoulder- -as if something was standing there.
Spoiled avoided turning. Instead, she produced a small silken kerchief from her purse. She contemplated it for a moment, speaking to Derpy. “Your work on the twins was…efficient.”
“Both have kicked the bucket,” said Derpy, proudly.
“And you got the proof. Just as I asked.” She opened the kerchief, revealing two identical, perfect unicorn horns. Diamond Tiara saw them and went pale. Spoiled wished she would stay that color instead of piggy-pink. Perhaps, she realized, she should remove all traces of iron from the girl’s diet to see if that worked.
“An excellent cut, even if you missed the quick.”
“Thank you,” said Derpy, blushing. “I’ve had a lot of practice! I used to have to cut Sparkler’s horn every month when she was a filly.” Derpy sighed. “She kept poking herself in the eye with it.”
“That’s the trouble with having useless appendages.”
“Like ears.”
“Exactly, like- -wait, what?”
“Ears. What are they even for? No matter how hard I listen, I can never hear them! On the same note, though, I CAN smell my own boogers.”
“Great,” muttered Diamond Tiara, pushing her kale away. “Now I’m not hungry anymore.”
“Good,” said Spoiled. She wrapped up the horns again, intending to have them made into decorative fountain pens later on. Or she would grind them up and snort them. It hardly mattered, since the ponies who they had come from were largely of no real consequence.
“Derpy,” said Spoiled.
“Yes I am,” said Derpy.
“Do you know what I like about this?”
Derpy squinted, thinking hard. “No?”
Spoiled smiled. “I like the power. It makes me tingle.”
“When I tingle I have to go to the doctor, because it might be another blood clot.”
“I don’t care. I like being able to kill ponies. I like being in control. I’m a god, and you are my tool to accomplish my will. Those idiotic farmers, the mayor, that dirty upstart, and now those twins who defied me.”
“I killed a lot of ponies, didn’t I?” Derpy looked at Diamond Tiara, then pointed. “Is she supposed to know about this?”
“Yeah. I probably shouldn’t be hearing this.”
“Why? She needs to learn. The only way to get ahead in life is to be willing to do ANYTHING. Including murder. That’s why you’re an impoverished failure who has to do manual labor for money, while I’m able to determine the fates of every pony in this town.”
“I don’t know how I feel about that,” said Diamond Tiara.
“You feel EXCELLENT about it. Now shut your cake-hole before some flies in and ruins your complexion.” She looked back at Derpy and smiled. “If I chose a random pony, would you still do it?”
“I forget who everypony is a lot, so it’s all the same to me.”
“So you’d off a pony that did nothing wrong, that has no reason to die except for my will…just because I offered you a couple bits?”
“I need money. I have one daughter, and another on the way.”
Spoiled Rich laughed. She was extremely tingly, and was panting with excitement. A pony who had no reason to die, who would die ONLY because of her will, not for any crime against anypony at all- -THAT would make her powerful. It would make her truly like a god, going even beyond Celestia herself, who was rumored to at least have some semblance of a sense of justice.
Spoiled looked out the window at the passing ponies. They could not see her through the glass- -Spoiled barely allowed herself to be seen with her daughter, let alone with her hitmare- -and Spoiled knew that none of them were aware that she was deciding their fate. They were walking around like sheep, not knowing that one of them was going to die.
Then she saw one. The perfect target. A young mare, barely a filly, one of astounding adorableness. Her very presence infuriated Spoiled: how there was a pony would could appear so innocent and so perfect, so young and so beautiful without being rich at all. A pony who was soft and pleasant, kind and perfect- -a pony less guilty than any of her peers, but still worthy of Spoiled’s deepest contempt.
“That one,” she said, pointing. “I want you to murder that one.”
Derpy looked, and her eyes widened. She immediately jumped back and began shaking her head in terror. “N- -no! I can’t do THAT! That’s Fluttershy!”
“I didn’t ask what her name was. I want her dead. You have to do what I say.”
“But- -but she’s FLUTTERSHY! I can’t hurt Fluttershy! She’s…”
“Too adorable?” asked Diamond Tiara.
Derpy looked at the girl aghast. “You don’t know what I know,” she whispered. She turned to Spoiled, shaking. “Mrs. Rich, I just can’t! You know what they say! ‘If you make Fluttershy cry, THEY make you DIE!’”
Spoiled’s eyes narrowed, and she stood up suddenly. She put her pointed nose in Derpy’s face. “Are you refusing me?”
“I- -I- -maybe?”
“Derpy,” sighed Spoiled, sounding disappointed. “Maybe you never stopped to think about your position. No, of course you didn’t, you’re a mentally challenged moron. So let me explain it to you. You KILL ponies. Is that correct?”
Derpy thought for a moment. She actually started to wonder, but her mouth seemed to answer before her brain. “Yes,” she said, doubtfully.
“And do you know what they would do to you if they caught you? If somepony realized what you do? What you’ve DONE?”
Derpy gasped. She did not realize, but she knew it would be bad.
Spoiled smiled cruelly. “I know. They’d build a gallows in the middle of town. They’d string you up by your WINGS, and then beat you like a piñata until all your candy falls out. Then they’d send you off to the GLUE FACTORY.”
Derpy squealed. “Not the GLUE FACTORY!”
“YES! That is EXACTLY where you’ll go!”
“But- -but- -I’m only doing what you’re paying me too!”
“So? Did I ever hurt anypony? No. Not at all. I’M not guilty of any crime. YOU are.” She let that sink in, and then continued, now quietly. “And if you don’t keep doing your job, I’m afraid I’ll have to report you. That it was you and you alone who killed all those ponies. I would just have to, it’s a matter of business. No loose ends.”
Derpy was sweating and sunk back into her chair. “But…but I’m pregnant…”
“It won’t stop them at all. So think about that before you say ‘no’ to me. I’ll let it slide once because I WAS in a good mood. Now. Get up. Get out of my sight. And KILL. FLUTTERSHY.”
Derpy sniffled, and then stood up. She moved to leave, but Spoiled called out.
“Wait,” she said, smiling wide. “I have another request. For a method. Are you familiar with a Catrillian necktie?”
Derpy blinked, and then shivered. “Y…yes.”
“I want you do to do her that way. Give her a necktie. Make sure she isn’t so pretty when they find her.”
Derpy was crying now, more out of fright than anything else. She nodded. “Y…yes, boss.”
When she had left, Spoiled turned to her daughter, who was now thoroughly scarred for life. “See? Manipulation. Learn it well. With looks and brains like you have, that’s the only way you’ll get anywhere at all in life.”
Spoiled then went back to eating her truffles, still feeling tingly knowing that a pure and innocent pony would meet a most gruesome fate soon enough, just like all the others