Derpy had had a hard night of murdering. Even though she had iced the mayor at probably three in the afternoon, unknowingly witnessed by at least half the town with her butt stuck out of the mayoral bathroom window. As such, she was tired.
Sparkler was at work. Which was probably good. Derpy had no idea how to tell the girl that her mother was a hitmare, and a highly successful one at that. Still, she felt sad whenever her daughter was away. Her daughter (and, she supposed, her future daughter) were all she had that mattered at all in her life. She loved them even more than she loved muffins, which was a lot.
Thinking about muffins made her stomach ruble. Derpy groaned and turned on her side.
“No! I can’t eat! Not yet! I don’t have the money!”
She curled up in a ball and tried to resist the hunger. It was something she had grown familiar with, first in graduate school and then later when her life had fallen to ruin. If hunger were muffins, she would have been obese.
Then something hit her in the back of the head. “No,” she said. “No, go away.”
It hit her again, and Derpy sat up angrily- -only to have her eyes widen in awe. A muffin was floating over her, supported in a pale yellow field of magical energy.
“Magic muffin!” she cried. “MAGIC MUFFIN!”
Without thinking, she immediately leapt up and grabbed the muffin in her teeth. It held still for a moment, suspending her in the air, dangling from bite force alone. She did not mind. Even hanging in the air, she ate the muffin in three long bites.
She of course did not have the money for it. Those muffins were for sale, not for her. But it was a MAGIC muffin; there was no way that she could resist it.
Then another muffin entered the room- -and another. Soon, they formed a chain of marching muffins, a veritable parade. Derpy watched in awe, eating each one as it came. They were, after all, magic.
When she was done, something was thrown at her hard. It hit the bridge of her nose and fell into her hooves, the yellow aura fading around it.
“Huh?” she said. She looked down- -or rather at both sides of the room- -and read the lable with great difficulty. “‘Foalic Acid’? But I’m not a foal…” She looked down at her belly, and suddenly realized who had been levitating the muffins. “Oh. This is for you?”
She felt the fetus nod. It was a horrifying feeling, especially considering that this particular fetus (despite not having a complete heart or limbs yet) had a fully functional (and very pointy) horn. Still, Derpy squealed with delight. She was going to be giving birth to a prodigy.
Before she could even take the pills, though, her door was hit with such force that it was thrown off its hinges- -or, at this point, the masking tape that held it in place in all but the most windy of days.
Spoiled Rich then entered the room. It was apparent that she had attempted to dry herself, but the rainbows had already set: she stood before Derpy frazzled and died into every color that was conceivable- -and a few that were not.
Derpy’s eyes widened, and just as Spoiled started to speak, she screamed.
“NOOOO!” she cried. “They really WERE magic muffins! Colors! Colors EVERYWHERE!!”
She fell onto the floor and began writing, eventually foaming at the mouth, sure she was poisoned.
“Would you SHUT UP?!” cried Spoiled, stamping her hoof so hard it broke through part of the floor.
Derpy stopped writing and sat up. She blinked. Neither eye was looking at Spoiled. “But- -”
“NO BUTS!”
“But then how will I sit on things?”
Derpy cocked her head, and Spoiled groaned, putting her hoof to her face. Her headache was growing worse, and she reeked like rainbows.
“You’re not poisioned,” she said.
“I’m not?” Derpy looked around. “But you’re all rainbow! You look like ponies looked like when I used to lick unicorns!”
“I’m not- -wait. You used to…lick them?”
Derpy nodded vigorously and chortled. “Oh, yeah. I’ve licked soooooo many unicorns. I used to be great at catching them.”
“Well then lick your daughter or something, I have work- -”
Derpy’s eyes widened. “Oh, no, I couldn’t lick Sparkler! Not ever! I only did that once and by accident, because I thought that was how you cleaned babies! I had to go to the veterinarian!” She sighed paused. “Or was it the dentist?”
“Shut. You’re. CAKE HOLE!”
Derpy was not sure what that meant, so she shut her mouth, took a seat, and crossed her legs.
“There is a Pegasus outside of town,” said Spoiled, slowly.
“You mean Fluttershy?”
Spoiled frowned, clearly confused. “Who? No, I mean Rainbow Dash!”
Derpy exhaled. “Oh thank Celestia’s butt! I don’t know if I could do Fluttershy.” She leaned forward and whispered. “She terrifies me!”
“No. Rainbow Dash. Stupid little girl pretending to be rich, strutting like she thinks she owns the place. A stupid strutting strumpet.”
“That’s a bad word!”
“I don’t care. Blue. Pegasus. Rainbow mane. You can’t miss her. Take. Her. OUT.”
Derpy blinked. “Take her out? Just like that?”
“Do I have to ask twice?”
“No,” said Derpy. She crossed her front legs. “I know what to do.”
Rainbow Dash was working on setting up her bedroom (with a combination of clouds and Wonderbolt posters) when a knock came at her door. She paused, wondering how a pony had managed to knock on clouds. That must have taken some skill.
Exactly nine seven hundredths of a second later, she was standing at her door, and she opened it. As soon as she did, an enormous bouquet of flowers was shoved into her face. Not store-bought flowers either, but ones that had been picked from the wild.
“Huh? What?”
A mare leaned out from behind the flowers. She stared at Rainbow Dash intensely. Or, at least, she tried to. One eye was lazily examining the statue in Rainbow Dash’s extravagant entryway, while the other seemed to be contemplating one of the columns beside the door.
“Tonight. Eight,” said the mare. “Wear a dress. Semi-formal if you have it.”
“What? WHAT? Why?”
The mare leaned forward, and Rainbow Dash was suddenly terrified. Then she whispered.
“Because I’m taking you out.”
Then she promptly lost her footing, slipped, and plummeted through the clouds, leaving and extremely confused Rainbow Dash behind hanging onto an enormous bouquet- -and very slightly blushing.
Rainbow Dash did, in fact, on a dress. She owned many. Although ponies who knew about it often got beatings of various sorts (except for Fluttershy, who Rainbow Dash could never beat, as she was secretly terrified of her), it was true nonetheless. Rainbow Dash liked to wear dresses. Often frilly ones. With lots and lots of lace.
Of course, she would never wear her frilliest of things in public. It would simply be too embarrassing. She had an image to maintain, after all (or an image to develop; she had only transferred to Ponyville two days earlier, after having set a number of clouds on fire while simultaneously flying too fast and taking a nap on the job).
The dress she chose was an ordinary type, not short enough to be considered a “butt-funnel” but not long enough to trail. All the while, she had no idea why, exactly, she was doing it. Perhaps it was because Pegasi were a type of bird, and therefore had a strong flock instinct and tendency to acquiesce- -although Rainbow Dash thought it had to do more with the fact that there might be free food involved. Clouds were a great building material, but although edible they were neither filling nor healthy. They tended to go to the hips.
Or, perhaps, she just wanted friends.
Then eight came, and Rainbow Dash heard her doorbell ring. That gave her pause, as she was one hundred percent sure she had not installed a doorbell. Perhaps the house had started to build itself- -or perhaps the several bottles of triple-distilled cloud vapor she had snuck out of her father’s cabinet and hidden in her cloud-walls had affected her memory.
In a flash, she was at the door. She reached to open it- -and it fell in on her, crushing her.
Derpy stared through the gap. “Oops.” She looked down at the door, which lay flat on the floor. “Oh noes, I killed her.” She paused, thinking hard for a moment. For some reason, she was not sure why that was a bad thing.
“No, you didn’t,” said a muffled voice. Rainbow Dash hauled herself out of the cloud-floor. “I’m pretty much immortal.”
“Really? So am I!”
“You are?”
“Yeah! That’s what my dad said when I got pregnant the first time, anyway.”
“Pregnant?” Rainbow Dash pulled herself out of her floor and stared, wondering how a mare who looked almost younger than her had managed to be pregnant. She was still not entirely clear on how that process worked herself; she would have to ask Fluttershy later.
She gave pause, though, when she realized just how adorable this mare was. She was not wearing a dress but rather a skirt-suit, and she had somehow managed to apply limited makeup. Doing so must have been very difficult, considering her eyes were looking two completely different directions. Rainbow Dash felt an odd tingle in her wings that she had never felt before, and blushed imperceptibly.
“So, hey- -”
“Hair flower!” the mare poked her hoof forward and put a flower in Rainbow Dash’s mane. It matched the one she wore on her lapel. “Perfect! Come on! I have the reservations for…” She looked at her wrist, where a watch had been drawn on, “...almost now!”
She grabbed Rainbow Dash and absconded with her.
The flight was quick, if only because Rainbow Dash’s house had begun to drift toward town. An easy flight, of course, for Rainbow Dash- -but not for Derpy. Under normal circumstances, her flight skills were approximately that of a bloated cockroach- -and being pregnant did not improve the situation, what with the added ballast to her midsection and the ever-present craving for pickle-flavored ice cream muffins dipped in refried beans. Pregnancy was a strange thing indeed.
Eventually, however, and after a minor amount of property damage, the pair arrived at one of the restaurants on the central street of Ponyville. It was the nicer of the two. That was one of the main reasons Derpy had chosen it. The other was that she was banned from the other one after several events of uncontrolled combustion and one substantial detonation, plus having gotten herself lodged in a tub of fondant.
This restaurant apparently was not aware of her transgressions, and an especially fancy pony seated her and Rainbow Dash quickly. Derpy even pulled out the chair for Rainbow Dash, and Rainbow Dash did- -all the while feeling every pony in the place looking at her.
“So, uh,” said Rainbow Dash, leaning over the table. “Is this like…a date?”
Derpy looked at her over a menu. Or, more precisely, stared off into the distance in two entirely different directions over a menu that she was not able to read.
“Part of it. Afterward we can go for a walk in the park and look at the stars. It’s the full moon, and you can see the Mare in the Moon perfectly.”
“Right, right,” nodded Rainbow Dash. “And who, exactly, are you?”
“What?” Derpy derped. “Oh! I’m Ditzy Antigone Doo VIII. But most ponies call me Derpy.”
Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow that was curiously not rainbow-colored. “Isn’t that a slur for being mentally challenged?”
Derpy shrugged. “Probably.”
“Oh. Okay.” Rainbow Dash sat with her hooves against one another, feeling increasingly uncomfortable. “So, what is it you do?”
“I’m a hitmare. I kill ponies for money.” She leaned forward. “But don’t tell anypony, it’s a secret!”
Rainbow Dash laughed uncomfortably, thinking it was a joke. Hoping it was a joke.
Derpy blinked, and her eyes seemed to focus for a moment. Or at least one of them did. “Hey…you were a fuzzy-filly, weren’t you?”
Rainbow Dash gasped and blushed. “NO! No I wasn’t!”
“Yes you were! Look at you, you’re just so adorable!”
“I was never fuzzy at any point in my life! I was always smooth and sleek! AND I NEVER MADE OUT WITH A GRIFFON!”
Derpy frowned. “I didn’t say anything about griffons.”
Rainbow Dash tried to retract into her chair. “Sorry, I got carried away,” she muttered.
“There’s nothing wrong with being fuzzy. I wasn’t, but I’d just love if my daughter were fuzzy.”
“Oh. Why, is she still young?”
“No, she’s older than you. I’m actually old enough to be your mommy.”
Somehow, this made Rainbow Dash’s wings start to tingle even more. The sense that other ponies were staring at her intensified.
“So she’s too old to be fuzzy,” continued Derpy. “But I mean my new daughter. This one.” She pointed at belly.
“Oh, wait!” cried Rainbow Dash. “You’re pregnant?! I thought you were just fat!”
Derpy chuckled “I get that a lot.”
Rainbow Dash’s spirits suddenly fell when she realized the implications. “So, like, you’re married, then.”
“Oh no. No pony wants to marry me because my eyes are weird.”
“Wait…” Rainbow Dash had to think for a moment. “Is it even possible to get pregnant if you’re not married?”
“Apparently,” said Derpy. “But only with stallions. Or that’s what Sparkler told me anyway.” She laughed. “So it’s okay with mares.” Rainbow Dash blushed profusely. “Not that I could get pregnant a second time! Unless….unless I could…” Derpy seemed to contemplate this for a long moment, wondering if she could get twins. Of course, that would probably make her expenditure problem even more severe, even if it increased her chances of one of them being born fuzzy.
“Um…yeah…well…oh look BREADSTICKS!”
Rainbow Dash tore a plate of breadsticks free from a passing waiter and put them on the table. She immediately shoved on into Derpy’s mouth. “Breadsticks are good for babies!”
Derpy shrugged and swallowed the breadstick. Watching a mare swallow a long, hard piece of bread without even chewing only made Rainbow Dash’s situation worse. She mentally cursed her teenage hormones.
“Mmm, salty,” said Derpy, wiping her mouth with her napkin. She then pushed the plate toward Rainbow Dash. “Go ahead. Give one a lick.”
Rainbow Dash took one of the breadsticks with shaking hooves and began to slowly eat it. Normally, she greatly enjoyed carbohydrates- -especially when they were deep fried and slathered in butter- -but right now, she was focusing her mind on not thinking sexy thoughts.
Derpy was not making this easy. Derpy leaned forward, gazing at least roughly toward Rainbow Dash’s eyes. Hers were big and yellow, and looked oddly innocent- -but also almost predatory, as if she really were a hitmare and were expecting that taking Rainbow Dash out to a restraint would somehow cause her to keel over dead. For all Rainbow Dash knew, though, she probably would.
She was older, but firm and adorable. Clearly a little slow, but that was okay. One did not need brains to snuggle.
NO. Rainow Dash refused to think about snuggling. It was an absurd through. She was a mare- -barely- -and mares were meant to snuggle stallions. Otherwise it would be weird. As such, she tried to imagine Derpy as a stallion- -as Zephyr Breeze, specifically, because there was no known turn-off to any pony larger than him- -but it was impossible. She was too cute, and her wings- -her exposed, naked wings- -were too fluffy and soft looking. Rainbow Dash suddenly had a strange thought about whether or not it was possible to bury her face between a pair of wings and motoprop them. Not with Derpy, of course. That would be weird.
A waiter arrived. He held out a tray of baked goods.
“Appetizers, Madame and miss? Or are you just going to eat the free breadsticks again?”
“I have a company credit card this time!” Derpy produced it. “Because my magic fetus stole it why my new boss wasn’t looking.”
The waiter looked at her as if she were insane. Derpy did not notice, and took a baked good off the tray at random- -and gasped when she realized that it was a muffin.
“And you?” he said, offering the plate to Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow Dash did not reply, but took a pastry.
“Oooh!” said Derpy, looking at it as the waiter left. “Cream-filled!”
“What?! I’m not- -GAH!” Rainbow Dash threw the éclair she had taken away. It hit somepony in the eye.
“I got a muffin,” said Derpy. She suddenly smiled in a way that might have been meant to be seductive. “I just love muffins. But I don’t really get enough time to eat them…properly.”
“Properly?”
Derpy nodded. She leaned in close to the muffin. She smiled. “Let me show you how.” She brought the muffin close to her mouth. “First, I have to undress her. Slowly.” She opened her mouth and grasped ahold of the muffin’s paper wrapper. Rainbow Dash had never seen a mouth so dexterous in her life, and began to sweat as Derpy slowly removed the muffin peal. All the while, she became increasingly aware that she was wearing nothing beneath her own dress.
It took several seconds, but when Derpy was done, she turned her head and threw back the muffin wrapper- -but paused to smell it. “Ah…fresh…” One of her eyes met Rainbow Dash’s. The other stared at the muffin. She then sniffed the whole of the muffin, moaning as she did. “Ohhhh,” she moaned. “That’s a nice smell.”
Rainbow Dash, by this time, was shaking. Derpy hardly seemed to notice.
“Then,” she said. “I give her a little taste. Just around the muffin-top.” She extended her little pink tongue and gently ran it over the edge of the muffin, into the crease between the top and the bottom, and then gently over the top. Rainbow Dash was panting at this point.
“Oh, so hard,” said Derpy. “I want it inside me…but it’s bad to hurry. You need to take your time.” She smelled the muffin one last time and ran her tongue directly over the top, the whole while staring Rainbow Dash in the eye. “You have to wait…until the time is just…right…”
She then opened her mouth and just barely pinched the muffin with her teeth, taking out the tiniest crumb.
“GAH!” screamed Rainbow Dash as if she herself had been bit. There was a deafening POMF! sound as her wings extended with such force that a nearby table was completely upset and one unfortunate waiter was knocked completely unconscious. Rainbow Dash at this point was soaked in sweat and blushing profusely.
“Oh my!” said Derpy, looking up from her muffin and at the fully erect appendages. “Ms. Dash, your wings!”
“What wings? I don’t have wings!”
“You…don’t?”
“Nope! NO WINGS! I’m an earth-pony!”
“Oh…okay?”
“BREADSTICK!” Rainbow Dash shoved a breadstick down Derpy’s throat, picked her up, and leapt out the nearest window.
When they pair of them got back to Rainbow Dash’s house, Rainbow Dash was more embarrassed than she ever had been in her life. But Derpy hardly seemed to notice. And the moon was quite beautiful; it was so clear that it really did look like it showed the head of an ancient, demonic mare trapped within it. Which was of course a legend made up to scare little fillies that had no basis in truth whatsoever.
The pair touched down on Rainbow Dash’s cloud front yard.
“Well that was fun!” said Derpy.
“Yeah,” said Rainbow Dash. “Fun.”
“And I can definitely note down that you have, indeed, been taken out!”
Rainbow Dash laughed softly. “Yeah. Sure.”
Her wings were still stiff, and her heart was beating quickly. She opened the door to her house and turned back to Derpy. “So…do you want to come inside?”
“Come inside?”
Rainbow Dash nodded. “I have some cloud vapor…but that’s probably bad if you’re pregnant, sorry, I’m being stupid. But we could…you know…”
Derpy swept Rainbow Dash off her hooves and, in a low dip, kissed her. Rainbow Dash’s wings shot out again at full force, destroying part of her entryway.
“Sorry,” said Derpy. “I never do that on the first date. And you shouldn’t either.”
“But…”
It was too late. Derpy had already fallen through the clouds and vanished. Perhaps not intentionally. Rainbow Dash was left standing alone with fully erect wings that she would no doubt spend hours upon hours preening.
“Well,” she said, after a few minutes. “I think I learned something about myself tonight.”