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// Chapter 9: The Mayor 
// Story: Derpy Deeds (Done Dirt Cheap!) 
// by Unwhole Hole 
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Mayor Meyer Mare IV arrived back from the summit already feeling horrible. Initially, she had suspected that she had simply over-exerted herself during the trip. It had, after all, been held in the swampy vicinity of the Gelding Grotto (even though only three of the twelve delegates had been geldings), and the scenery, though moist, had been excellent. Mayor Mare had spent a great deal of time hiking through the foreboding but beautiful forest, often with others, forging friendships that would help stabilize the regional union of towns. She was especially partial to the geldings; they were happy, cheerful ponies with remarkably sunny dispositions. Perfect for small-town politics but terrible for the large-scale sort.
In the process, she had been bit by countless hundreds of mosquitos. 
The mayor ascended the stairs of her townhouse to the upstairs bathroom, and nearly collapsed when she went through the door. She grabbed for the sink, sending a pile of mane-dye bottles clattering to the floor. The whole room still seemed to spinning, so she held on to the sink as if she were trying to hold on to tax revenue. 
It had not been the first time she had clung to porcelain. In her younger years, she had spent a great deal of time hugging the toilet, usually to prevent it from flying away. A substantial amount of time and money had been spent redacting her wild, youthful past, and her old habit of licking unicorns. Sometimes, she still had flashbacks, where the familiar hallucinations would begin to creep in.
For a while she had thought that this was one of those time. Except, when she saw herself in the mirror, she knew that it was not. She looked terrible. Her skin was pale, and her eyes were bloodshot. Adding to that, she had the worst headache of her life and had begun to shake violently with fever. 
She wondered if it had been something she had eaten, or from bad water. The water of the Gelding Grotto was said to have unusual effects on ponies, but not on mares. It never occurred to her that the only reason she had made it this far was because of her absurd earth-pony durability. That a Pegasus or a unicorn would long since have ceased breathing with this level of infection. 
Mayor Mare was a simple mare of a small-town hamlet with a population of barely fifty, known only for its apple production and for being the residence of the founder of Rich’s Barnyard Bargains. The mayor herself had been born a simple farm girl, the youngest daughter from a long, long line of especially sour lemon farmers. She knew nothing about the equine encephalitis virus, or that it was almost invariably fatal. 
The sink slipped from her grip as her body went weak. Her mind collapsed into delirium caused by immense fever, and then as she lay convulsing finally into complete unconsciousness. The last thought she had was that she had not snuggled enough stallions in her life. 
Then she lay still, her unconsciousness slowly progressing to coma as the virus cooked her brain. 
It was at that particular moment that her bathroom window opened- -or rather, was pushed off its sill so that it fell loudly into the room and shattered. Outside, Derpy winced.
“Sorry,” she whispered. Then, with all the grace and elegance that could be expected of a pregnant mare whose first name was “Ditzy”, she began to push her way through- -only to get stuck.
Her front legs and head had gone through, but she had gotten stuck on her midsection. Because she was pregnant. 
“Well great,” she said, allowing herself to fall limp. She then squealed. A passing stallion- -probably- -had slapped her rump, which was sticking out of the mayor’s window. Derpy muttered to herself. “This hasn’t happened since I was pregnant with Sparkler…and that one time eleven months before that…” She laughed to herself. That time had been fun. 
Now was not fun. She had a job to do, but could not because she had not calculated her level of fatness properly. 
She looked down at herself, specifically at the part of herself that was stuck. “Hey! Little baby! Sorry to bother you. I know you’re growing legs and stuff, but Sparkler used all the butter to get me out of the toilet. If we suck it in at the same time, we might just- -”
Derpy’s body was suddenly enveloped in pale yellow light. She was shoved through the window with such force that, even without butter, she made a suction popping sound. Then, promptly, she fell into the bathtub.
“Oh wow!” she said, sitting up and holding on to her tummy. “You ARE a unicorn! And- -” She paused, frowning, and looked at the ceiling (at least with one eye). “But how did I get a unicorn this time? I didn’t…” She thought for a moment, then gasped. “Am I a unicorn?!”
The mayor groaned. Derpy jerked upward, slamming her head into the bathtub spigot. 
“Oh right,” she said, looking at her target. “The mayor.” 
She reached up to the window and pulled her supplies through. They, not being pregnant, were much easier to fit through the gap. Several large bags of ice came through, landing in the bathtub.
“Put her on ice!” whispered Derpy, trying to repeat Spoiled’s exact words in the most threatening, assassin-like manor she could come up with. 
She emptied the ice into the bathtub, which nearly filled it.
“There. Ice. Nice.”
Derpy then proceeded to descend onto the mare, trying to lift her up. Almost as soon as she touched her, she cried out and jumped back.
“Wow! She’s hot!” Derpy paused, realizing what she had just said. “I mean temperature wise. Well, I guess she’s hot the other way too. Sorry, mayor, I wasn’t trying to be mean. I’m just here to kill you.”
She ignored the extreme heat coming off the mayor and, with a great deal of effort (earth-ponies were heavy), Derpy chucked her into the tub of ice. She fell in with such force that she was nearly buried.
“Ha!” she said, wiping her brow. “On ice!” 
The mayor frowned and groaned. She shivered in the ice, causing it to rattle. Derpy gasped.
“Oh wow, mayor, you don’t look so good!” She thought for a moment, derping heavily during the process. “I know! I should probably call a doctor!” 
Without thinking, Derpy left the room and walked down the hall to the mayor’s at-home office. It was largely empty and used for storage; the mayor, despite having no friends, nearby family, or special somepony, made it a point to do work at work and have a home-life at home. Which mostly meant sitting and sighing as she thought about where she had gone wrong. 
The office was a relic of the last mayor. He had lived here before he had been impeached and thrown in pony jail for having cantered and whinnied after the legally allotted cantering and whinnying curfew. That, and for embezzling. A LOT of embezzling. 
Derpy knew this house well. She had been here many times. In fact, she had been to every house in Ponyville many times (although the owners of the houses probably did not know this). She had no idea how she got into them, but it happened a lot. 
This particular room had an old telegraph port, left over from the last mayor’s administration. The technology of telegraphy was considerably new-fangled, and considered heresy by a number of earth-ponies. Despite this, telegraphs were notoriously unreliable; this one could only reach a few places in town.
“Let’s see,” said Derpy, leaning in and brushing a significant amount of white powder off the surface. The telegraph itself was connected to a large dial, with the locations of the contact written on them. Derpy focused her eyes, trying to get them both to look in the same direction so that she could read.
Of course, she could only barely read; it was the primary effect of her dyslexia, something her daughter had inherited. Still, if she focused hard enough, she could get the words eventually.
“Cemetery? That’s not it.” She turned clicked the dial to the next one. “Garbage dump…no…waterfront…not that one either…” She paused, wondering where exactly the waterfront was in Ponyville. Then she clicked faster. “Cleaner…Heavy Hoof’s Concrete…Laundry…Mistress #1, Mistress #2, Mistress #3…Spoiled Rich…” Derpy paused, but that was not the one she was looking for. “OH! Here it is!” She clicked the dial. “Hospital!” 
With the entry dialed in, she rapidly tapped out a message on the telegraph in Horse Code. She then paused for a long moment before hearing a reply. Derpy could understand the code mentally, even as fast as it was, but she did not bother to stay for the rest of the message.
She left, feeling good but otherwise having forgotten what she had come to do in the first place.