27. & 28. The Return of Harmony
"Twists and turns are my master plan, then find the Elements back where you began," Discord's image said in the stained-glass window. His laughter echoed in the castle hall as he departed, mocking Princess Celestia, Twilight, and her friends.
"Um, can we go home now?" Fluttershy said meekly.
"What do you reckon he meant? 'Twists and turns' and ending back where we started?" Applejack asked.
"Twists and turns. Twists and turns," Twilight repeated to herself as she walked over to the window, mulling over the riddle. She looked outside at the large hedge-maze in the courtyard. "Twists and turns, that's it! I bet Discord hid the Elements in the palace Labyrinth!" In a flash of purple light, another unicorn appeared.
"And that is why I'll never take you to Las Pegasus, Twilight," Starlight Glimmer said. "You're a terrible gambler."
"You again?" Twilight said with a surprised scoff. "Well you're too late! We already figured out Discord's riddle without your help!" Starlight just rolled her eyes and let out a patient sigh that could only come with years of wisdom.
"And why are you listening to him?" Starlight asked Twilight. "Is Discord known for his honesty?" she asked Celestia. Celestia shook her head. "He knows how smart you are Twilight. Obviously he wanted you to figure out his simple riddle and lure you into the maze, because...?"
"It's a trap!" Twilight gasped.
"Your star pupil, Your Highness," Starlight said of Twilight to Celestia. "Way to go Twi. I think I have a dog biscuit or something for you as a reward." Starlight rummaged through her bag. "No, wait, I got something better. A little something I grabbed on the way here." Starlight pulled out a book that Twilight recognized immediately.
"That's the book where I first read about the the Elements of Harmony!" Twilight said.
"And where your little journey of friendship... began?" Starlight said in a patronizing tone. Twilight took the book from her and opened it, seeking answers. Instead she found the Elements of Harmony stashed inside, in a hole carved into the pages. "Discord hid them inside this book in your library back in Ponyville." Twilight's eyes burned with the fury of a thousand suns.
"He ruined a book!?" Twilight growled, letting loose a string of expletives that made Celestia turn a whiter shade of pale. "I will murderize him!"
"Or, OR, maybe we could just turn him back to stone?" Starlight suggested.
"We'll turn him to stone," Twilight said. "Then I'll turn him to gravel!" Starlight was unaccustomed to seeing Twilight in such a state. And over just the damaging of a single book. She shuddered to imagine what she was like when her entire library was destroyed. Suddenly what she had seen when visiting the Tirek Battle Wastelands made more sense to her.
"But Discord is a powerful entity," Starlight advised. "Possibly a powerful ally?" she said, looking pointedly at Celestia. "With usefulness down the road? Look, Twi, it's not even that big of a deal." Starlight gave out the Elements to each of them and restored the book with her magic. "See? Good as new." Twilight hugged the book like a dear friend. "I think you've got it from here," Starlight said, before vanishing once more in a flash.
A second flash came a few moments later, and Discord reappeared, physically standing in the room itself.
"I guess you're not as clever as I thought," Discord said. "The riddle was about the Labyrinth outside in the-" he stopped mid-sentence as the ponies glared at him, each with the Elements of Harmony already around their necks. "Oh, what the f-"
A blast of rainbow magic turned him back to stone.
29. Lesson Zero
It is a calm morning in the small town of Ponyville as the sun rises. With very few ponies awake at this hour, none bare witness to a temporal rift appearing on the northern side of town; a shimmering blue aura in stark contrast to the warm, dim orange of the sun’s light.
From the rift levitates one Starlight Glimmer, grasping her form in a magical aura as she grounds herself in a world years ago. In tow is the friendship diary she had copied for Twilight, secured in her saddlebag. The rift closes behind her mere moments after setting hoof on the dirt.
“Alright, now to find the library!” Starlight wastes no time, galloping off in search of the tree long gone. Using her intuition, she surmised that the library would be in the exact location of the castle in the present. The town felt smaller; less developed. It took very little time to find the largest tree in town.
“Aha,” the adept mage exclaims, “wasn’t too hard to find. Now to stop Twilight from stressing herself to tears!” Starlight rushes forward, using a quick spell to unlock the front door and barges through; a trespasser with a purpose! She’s greeted to a sight that almost has her stop; the beauty of a treehouse library just as cozy being absent from her. The criminal pressed on, however, determined to accomplish her task.
Up the stairs she teleported, the sound of her causing even more issues with the space time continuum stopping what faint chatter there was above. Starlight barges through this door too, only to meet a rather frightened and prepared Twilight, horn alight!
“Who are you and why have you broken into my home?!”
“Whoa, whoa, relax! You don’t know me, but I’m from the future! We’re great friends, closer than most, even! It’s why you have to listen to me when I tell you that I’ve come back here to stop you from stressing. You’re about to make a huge issue out of something so minor.”
Twilight Sparkle stops her sentinel stance, a concerned look on her face. “And what issue would that be?”
“Well, you haven’t realized it, but you haven’t written a friendship lesson letter to Princess Celestia, and I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to.”
Twilight stares, dumbfoundead that she had forgotten to write a lesson learned this week. There’s no way any random pony would know about that, so this pony must know her. Before she has another moment to think about it, the other unicorn pulls a book from her saddlebag, levitating it over and turned to a specific page.
“Right here, you detail how you stressed over this specific detail, and it all turned out to be nothing!”
Twilight takes a moment to read over the contents before easing herself. (Lucky for Starlight, she’s a fast reader!) A distressed Spike is nowhere to be seen, long since ran away from danger, the coward. As for the studious purple unicorn, she wipes a bit of sweat from her brow.
“Well, I see. That definitely helps to know that. Say, how do I know you again?”
“Oh,” Starlight stops, giving an awkward smile as she recalls her encounter with Twilight in the future. “We, uh, you know, meet when you’re on vacation! Anyway, I gotta go!” Starlight blinks away from the awkward conversation, still running from her past and not wanting to remember her communist subjugation of perfectly healthy ponies.
Her task now complete, she opens up the friendship diary to be on with her next task to fix. Unbeknownst to the time jumper, in this timeline Celestia punishes Twilight for not reporting a new friendship lesson learned. Perhaps time travel isn’t such a good idea after all.
30. Luna Eclipsed
High over the plains of equestia a spooky royal carriage soared at breakneck speed.
"How long how long until we reach Ponyville?" Luna asked her guard. "We will arrive in less than thirty seconds your majesty."
In a flash of light a strange unicorn appeared next to Luna with a huge bag as tall as she was.
"WHOM DARES-"
Luna started before the purple mare cuts her off.
"Starlight Glimmer your Majesty. I love your work." Starlight grinned hugely before continuing. "Anywho, somepony forgot to tell you some basic information before you left so I'm here to help.
"First, no Royal Canterlot voice. It's funny but annoying and nopony likes it.
"Second, ponys like getting scared on nightmare night especially the foals. They find it fun.
"Third, fun is the feeling you get when you crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women."
Luna nodded at this now taking notes.
"And last but most important," Starlight pushed the overstuffed bag at Luna spilling treats onto the carriage.
"Candy!"
Luna, eyes aglow, smiled wickedly and grabbed hoofuls of sweet bliss. "Take us down guards, we will give the people what they want and have fun doing it!"
31. Sisterhooves Social
Rarity barely looked up from her sewing at the now-familiar crackle-fizz behind her. The orb of light snapped, revealing a rather jittery-looking periwinkle unicorn.
"Hullo Starlight."
Starlight took a sip from the cup of tea that had been left out for her arrival, took a deep breath, and clacked her stopwatch.
Ten seconds.
"Okay look so Sweetie is only going to be a kid for a few more years, so just go with her to the stupid thing. She's going to do a lot of things that will annoy you to no end today, but try to remember that she's your kid sister and she loves you and she's doing it out of the kindness of her heart- acting upon the spirit of Generosity that you instilled in her."
Rarity twitched an eyebrow skyward.
"So I'm going to save you a whole day's worth of angry stress-wrinkles. Everything she does today, try to look at it in a different light. It's only going to be sapphire-macrame for a little bit longer until she hits that teenage phase of weird music and etc."
She glanced at the watch, nodded to herself, and disappeared when the hand swept down to zero.
Episode 32: The Cutie Pox
Applebloom rubbed her hooves together, leering at the ingredients upon Zecora's shelves. 'Heart's desire sounds perfect!' she thought to herself. Springing over to the pink flower, the filly chuckled darkly. But as she was reaching for the soft petaled monstrosity blossom, there was a soft purple flash and the odd feeling of reality bending in ways maybe it shouldn't be from behind her. Gasping in shock, she whipped around as another flash went off, revealing-!
Well, actually, she was alone. Rubbing her eyes, she shook her head then turned back to the waiting super plant. Only to find an empty shelf where it had once sat.
"What...?"
********
Outside, a Police pony was writing a ticket, while Starlight Glimmer waited somewhat impatiently. Next to her, an Equestrian Agent of the Bureau of Narcotic Substances and Controlled Botany sweated silently, holding a clear sealed plastic container at leg length. There were items in it she had only ever read in books, and she wasn't happy about suddenly being so close to them, even if they were in a supposed stasis spell. This was so far above her pay grade she didn't even want to think how it would be classified.
Later, when Zecora returned, she would find the hut empty, and roughly a quarter of her ingredients pilfered. On the door would be a ticket with a hefty fine for the illegal storage, handling, and trafficking of Class 6 controlled substances without a permit, 1st degree potion brewing without an Equestrian Alchemist License, and reckless child endangerment. On the back was a simple note telling her it was her first strike, so they were letting her off easy this time.
Shrugging, she idly wondered if Applebloom would be willing to help her make and sell more potions to pay off the newly incurred debt.
33. May the Best Pet Win
Twilight stared, open mouthed, at the creature that screeched, roared, gargled and flew at breakneck speeds above Ponyville, scaring the ponies below, all while a madly-giggling Rainbow Dash performed loop-de-loops around it, challenging it to try new tricks.
The creature had three bird heads: an Eagle on the right, a Hawk on the left, and a Toucan in the middle… all of the heads had small, bat-like fangs and it moved with uncanny efficiency. It's screeches were oddly musical.
Massive, pink wings flapped almost in a blur under a gigantic, solid turtle-like shell, colored like a monarch butterfly's wing design, it's two front legs were thin, like a flamingo's, the rear legs were thick and reptilian, like a tortoise's.
"What the actual hay?!" Twilight finally manage to gasp out.
"Hey, Twilight!" Rainbow Dash called out. "How do you like my pet? I call it: MEGAPET!"
Twilight could hear the uppercase in Rainbow Dash's excitement. "That's not a real thing! You were supposed to pick an animal you liked for a pet!
"But I love MEGAPET!"
"Chill, Twilight," a voice that Twilight had hoped not to hear again said.
She slowly turned around, eyes narrowed as she glared at the other unicorn. "You."
"Yep!" Starlight Glimmer said, her smile unwavering. "I have fixed yet another friendship problem! Why choose a cool pet when you can have them all?!"
She shifted uncomfortably close to Twilight, whispering in her ear in a way that made it twitch. "And even better, this one won't make Applejack cry."
"Applejack never cries!"
"She does. She just cries on the inside," Starlight assured her, ticking her checklist. "Anyway, I'm done here! See ya!"
POOF!
"One day, Glimmer!" Twilight shouted to the sky, "one day!"
34. The Mysterious Mare Do Well
Rainbow Dash has not been having the best few days. First everything was wonderful, she had saved a few ponies, and then that other mare showed up. Rainbow landed on a cloud not noticing the white fluffiness had changed to a dark storm cloud. She huffs as she flops down onto her back on the soft fluffy.
“All anypony talks about is Mare Do Well this and Mare Do Well that! What about me?” She looks over the edge of the cloud at three fillies talking on the ground below. “How would everypony forget about me so easily?” she sits up, inspecting herself. “I mean... have I changed? Same sleek body. Same flowing mane. Same spectacular hooves. Nope, I'm still awesome.” She leaps into the air. “They're wrong. But... then... why am I all alone? I hate being all alone.” She moans as she flops down onto the cloud.
“Ya know, you were a bit full of yourself right there.” Comes a new voice. Rainbow looks around, that voice is familiar, she’s seen this pony from time to time over the last couple of years. The unicorn is floating next to her cloud, enshrouded in her magic.
“Starlight? But what? What are you doing here?”
“Helping you, silly.” Starlight says, tilting her head to the side and smiling cutely. “May I join you on the cloud?” Dash scoots over and the unicorn settles onto the cloud.
“You know a lot of magic?” Starlight nods, “I’ve studied magic for years. But I’m now studying friendship. And learning from you all. Now, what do you think the problem is, Rainbow Dash?” Dash looks down at the ground.
“I used to be the pony everyone looked to when they needed help, then that Mare Do Well came around…” she stops and scuffs a hoof on the cloud.
“And she stole your thunder?” Dash nods, tears welling in her eyes. But before she breaks down, Starlight shifts and puts a hoof on the pegasus' withers, dash looks up into a face full of compassion. “Rainbow Dash, the problem isn’t the Mysterious Mare Do Well, the problem is you miss the adoration of others. Your ego needs to be fed from time to time. That, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. You are an awesome pony. You’ve saved lives, you’ve performed feats that no pegasus has done in thousands of years. You are an Equestrian hero, do you really need to be petty like that?” Rainbow Dash narrows her eyes, looking inward.
“I don’t need to be patted on the back like that, do I? I can be awesome, and as long as I know it, I can be happy with that.”
Starlight beams a smile, “Now that is a mature way to handle things, isn’t it? Don’t let your ego get too big, or others will have trouble resisting putting a pin in it and deflating it.” She stands up. “Well, I have a lot more to do. See you around.”
Rainbow jumps to her hooves, “Wait! What about Mare Do Well?” Starlight looks over her shoulder.
“Oh, she’s just your friends trying to teach you humility. They have much to learn about friendship as well.” With that, she hops off the cloud. Dash scrambles to the edge of the cloud, watching the pink mare as she falls. Her horn lights and a portal appears below her, she tosses off a smile and a salute to Rainbow as the portal consumes her. The rainbow maned pegasus sits there for several minutes, thinking furiously.
“Hey Rainbow Dash!” comes Scootaloo's voice. Dash smiles as she leaps to greet the filly.
35. Sweet and Elite
“Twilight’s dress will be my greatest creation,” Rarity declared. “It will be the birthday gift to end all birthday gifts!”
Alone at last in the Canterlot Castle Suite – save for her undyingly loyal housecat, Opal – Rarity now had the opportunity and the ability to create. Those Canterlot ponies may have sneered at her pedigree, but they wouldn’t sneer any longer. Not when she had her secret weapon at her disposal.
“A few weeks ago, when that strange pony came and sent me to the Plane of Fabrics – or rather, whatever Twilight had called it – I found this!” Rarity said, holding up a shimmering fabric that seemed to change into colors and patterns that even the most acid-addled of hippies would have begged to see. “Isn’t it simply divine, Opal? Such a stunning color! Why, the magic of it just seems to glow!”
Just then, as the word glow fell from her mouth, Rarity was blasted into the wall by a blinding light. It happened in an instant; one second, she was admiring the magical fabric she had retrieved in the midst of her interplanar souljourn, the next she was slammed face-first into the walls, and reeling from the force of the blow. As she slowly got back on her hooves, Rarity noticed several changes. The bedsheets were still floating down to earth, and Opal stood, clinging to the mattress, utterly hairless and in complete shock. Most importantly, however, was the reappearance of the pink unicorn, beaming brightly at Rarity, her horn still sparking. Rarity gasped, and nearly collapsed right there, her jaw hanging open.
“You.”
“Me.”
Rarity shook her head, trying to parse everything. Goodness gracious, it was her. The unicorn who had banished her to the elemental plane of fabric. The unicorn whose powers were unfathomable and whose morality seemed to be objective and universal. Rarity fell to her knees, for clearly, she was beheld by a mad god of some kind. “What do you want with me?” Rarity whispered. “Where am I going next?”
The pink unicorn clapped her hooves. “Oh, goodie! I’m in a timeline I recognize for once! I was hoping to meet with you again, Rarity Gamma! I have the perfect solution to your upcoming friendship problem! Also, holy moly, you took the Fabric of Time?!” The unicorn gasped, and took Rarity’s godly fabric from her hooves, where it had laid in her utter shock not moments earlier. “Rarity Gamma, I’m gonna have to take this back. Also, you have a friendship problem coming up, so I’m just gonna nip that in the bud, alright?”
Rarity blinked. The unicorn seemed to take this as affirmation, and lit up her horn. Rarity cried out in fear as she felt herself splitting, not painfully, but… but indecipherably, her mind feeling blank, her body going numb, all in thirds, thirds, thirds, what was happening, no, stop, please! “Rarity Gamma, relax!” The pink unicorn said. “This is completely harmless, at least in theory! Stop screaming, please, I need to concentrate!”
Rarity… Gamma, Rarity Gamma, for that was what she was called now, simply curled up and begged this pink Goddess to please, please speed this up, what was happening to her, ye gods what had been wrought, and like it had never happened Rarity felt normal again. She struggled to her hooves, but was soon helped up by somepony else's. When she looked up to see who it was, she saw herself, smiling broadly. Twice.
“Hello, Darling!” the two new Rarities said simultaniously.
Rarity gasped. “I… What is this?”
“Oh, just a little thing I whipped up based on the magical signature of the mirror pool!”
“Mirror… Pool?”
“Nothing for you to worry until the next chapter of your life. Believe you me, if you thought Discord was apocalyptic…” the pink unicorn shuddered, and pointed to one of Rarity Gamma’s new clones. “Okay, Rarity Gamma, you are now RG Prime! This is RG Beta and RG Ceta, the embodiments of your subconscious mind and desires! They’re the two Rarities who will help you accomplish all you need to do this week!”
“We live to serve, Darling!” RG Beta said, beaming brightly.
“I need a good dicking, Darling,” RG Beta giggled, before the pink unicorn bapped her nose with the rolled-up Fabric of Time.
“Keep it PG, RG Beta! Pretty sure somebody else used the one F-bomb we’re allowed!”
Rarity blinked. “I… What must I do?”
“Well, you need to socialize with the Canterlot crew. You’re due for a chance encounter with Fancy Pants, so get on out there and purchase supplies for Twilight’s birthday dress! Rarity Beta will prepare a workspace where she will complete the dress, and Rarity Ceta will review your diary to become a more capable guest at Twilight’s birthday party! Oh, by the way, that’s moving up here in Canterlot, so be ready for a bit of a surprise and just tell her that you learned this awesome new spell if she asks about the multiple copies of yourself!”
“I… Alright, it shall be done,” Rarity said, her eyes wide as dinner plates.
“Sweet! Friendship problem averted! These clones should disappear within a few days! When they do, you might want to read up on basic algebra! People tend to lose things splitting up, so, uhh, yeah, make sure you talk to Pinkie in a few months after this happens to her and see that she’s okay, alright?”
“...Alright.”
“Great!” the pink unicorn said. “Love you lots! Gotta go! Bye!”
And just as fast as she had come, the pink unicorn was gone again, and three Rarities made a silent promise to their new goddess that her will would be done.
36. Secret of my Excess
Like a delorean through time, a pink unicorn rushes through an opening in the space time continuum, leaving a burning trail behind her hooves. She had to find Spike before it was too late! This time, it was midday, and she couldn’t afford to care about other ponies seeing an all-powerful mage from the future bending time like it was spaghetti.
Reaching the town square, she saw Spike from a distance walking with his new hat he had just acquired from Cheerilee. He was only a minute from reaching Lickety Split, and it would only make matters worse if he were to feed his greed. Mini Twilight had to stop this before it started!
Starlight teleports over in front of Spike. In blue flash of magic she appears; Spike bumping into her and grunting as his stride is stopped. “Hey, whoa, watch where you’re-” Before he can finish his sentence, Starlight teleports both of them to the outskirts of Ponyville under a tree.
In no time at all Starlight takes out a rolled-up newspaper with her magic and begins swatting the top of the dragon’s head! “No! No, no, no! Don’t be greedy!” Starlight exclaims.
“Hey, hey! Stop that! Ouch! What gives?” Spike is obviously confused about this random pony coming up to him and assaulting him in broad daylight.
“Spike, you don’t know me, but I know you. Trust me on this one, don’t be greedy, and just be thankful! Otherwise, you’ll hurt Rarity! You don’t wanna miss out on her, do you?” Starlight was clearly playing on Spike’s obvious crush on the seamstress. She gave him a few more swats with the newspaper before teleporting away, leaving Spike dazed, confused, and bruised. Thankfully, he takes her advice. Although, running home and crying about how he may have already hurt Rarity was probably not what she had planned.
37. Hearth's Warming Eve
"Chestnuts roasting over an open fiiire..."
Twilight Sparkle stared at her faithful student. Starlight was curled up in a suitably battered wing-back chair with appropriately gaudy hound's tooth upholstery. She slowly took in the room; crackling hearth with stocking-festooned mantel. The cold crystal walls clad in wood paneling. A pipe clamped between Starlight's teeth. She was even wearing carpet slippers and a terrycloth housecoat. Starlight's personal, much-annotated copy of the Friendship Journal lay open on a lectern. Starlight glanced up from her dogeared copy of Chicken's Hearth's Warming Tail.
"I didn't touch anything, I just went and watched." Twilight squinted. "What? Even though it's turned into an opportunity for over-bloated corporations to shill a fat jolly red-suited Canterklaas peddling cheap toys to stupid children and force the romantic to exchange hard-earned bits for essentially worthless baubles for their sweeties, it's a lovely holiday and I don't want to change anything." Twilight shook her head and turned to leave.
"Happy Hearth's Warming, Twilight." Twilight turned a baleful eye back upon her student. Starlight glanced up over her mug of hot chocolate. "Mm?"
"Starlight, it's June."
38. Family Appreciation Day
Dark clouds and thunder nears the Apple family orchard as Applejack and Big Mac, right in the middle, watch the sky darkening and the once bare trees start making electrical noises and blue sparks emerge from the branches and circulates them towards the tip making big dark purple leaves sprout.
"There's the zap apple leaves," said Applejack, "right on schedule."
About the same time, on the other side of the orchand, a blast of magic appeared to show an excited Starlight Glimmer making appearance.
"Ohohohoho, I always wanted to see this!" and the clouds dispersed just as the last sparks disperse from the branches. "Aaaand it just ended," a unamused face clearly shown, "maybe I should have considered the distortion of this highly magical event before teleportation." pondered Starlight.
"Well, maybe I'll catch it on time on another easy lesson around this season, there's plenty of opportunities," Starlight took her copy of the Friendship Journal from her saddle bag and weighted it on her hoof, "which are, like, a lot more." Returning the Journal back on place Starlight proceeded to teleport right on time, this time.
A few hours later...
"That's a sssplendid idea Diamond Tiara," said Cherilee cheerfully, "Apple Bloom, you should bring in Granny Smith on Monday for Family Appreciation Day"
The school bell rang and Cherilee made the last announcement for the day "Have a great weekend everypony." as she headed towards the exit of Ponyville's Schoolhouse, followed by all the students except Apple Bloom.
Still sitting on her student chair, Apple Bloom waited for everypony to leave so she could wail in despair peacefully "Granny Smith! On Monday!? I'll be the laughing stock of Ponyville!" Gradually raising her voice on the last words alongside her head to emphasize her torment and thumped her head on the desk as a final dramatic touch.
Sparks of magic emerged in front of her desk to finally blast Starlight Glimmer into existence.
"Apple Bloom!" Shouted Starlight, surprising the filly, therefore getting her complete attention and continued, "Granny Smith is part of your family, she protects and cares for you even for somepony her age," stops for split second, realizing what she just said, "SPECIALLY somepony her age, what I want to tell you is that even for her eccentric and sometimes, and to put it in nice words, archaic ways, it's not her intention to embarrass you, in fact, that's the special thing of grannies, they always find a way to embarrass us, it's part of what makes them special, but don't worry, you might even get to like it, who knows, maybe they have the most interesting stories to tell."
Starlight charged her horn for the next teleportation, but not before adding "That means, if you don't bring Granny Smith to Family Appreciation Day I'll make sure to place a copy of Diamond Tiara's cutie mark on your flank for the rest of your life."
And with a wink Starlight disappeared leaving Apple Bloom speechless, confused and alone.
There was a moment of silence before Apple Bloom said anything at all, "...Ah...wow...well...this actually feels like Déjà vu."
39. Baby Cakes
A shadow lurked along the corridor of the Ponyville Maternity Ward.
As six ponies trotted unwarily down that same corridor, a nefarious pink figure lurked in that same shadow, and seizing her moment, lashed out… and then there were five, for a frozen instant in time, and two pink figures became none for that fractured interval.
Within an unknown dimension of nonspace, Starlight Glimmer's magic jammed a baby's pacifier into Pinkie Pie's mouth before Pinkie could even draw a breath. The cunning preparation of hypnotic elixirs which coated the pacifier took effect instantly, and those curious, innocent blue eyes glazed over. Reflexively, Pinkie sucked on the pacifier, and was further taken into the sway of the insidious enchantress… and Starlight spoke.
"You love to travel. There's nothing you'd like better than to frost a cake literally while it rolls on its way to a huge catering order. You'd love to take Mr. and Mrs. Cake's place and help them meet their work responsibilities, because you hate…" Starlight hesitated, and refined her approach on the fly, "…changing diapers and caring for babies, and would never consider doing that. You love playing with babies, but baby poop? Ew! And so you would never offer to care for the Cake twins, but you'd love to help Mommy and Daddy Cake do it by offering to bake and frost for them, which you're very capable of doing."
Pinkie Pie blinked, with a dainty 'poink-poink' noise, and made no objection other than to take another slurp on her baby pacifier.
Starlight Glimmer sighed. "Good, that ought to work." Her magic yanked the pacifier out of Pinkie's mouth with a comical 'poit', and she turned and prepared to drop the pink pony back into Ponyville space at the very location and instant she'd been taken… but then she froze, because a voice behind her spoke.
"How come?"
Starlight whirled, to see Pinkie Pie looking back at her and making a gentle frowny-face.
"How'd you do that?" gasped Starlight. "My magic is much more powerful than…"
"Fourth wall breaky, you silly," chided Pinkie. "It'll work, I can tell you that. When I go back to Ponyville, I'll be ready to bake like crazy, and I won't even remember any of this. But I'm the only pony who can break the fourth wall anytime I want, and that means I know what you did, so I wanna know how come. Because… it seems like maybe what you did, is a meanie McMeanersons meanie-pants thing to do. And I'm onto ya."
Starlight gulped.
"I mean it, Glim-Glam. How come? Tell the truth or Pinkie's gonna be miffed with you." said Pinkie Pie.
Starlight took a deep breath.
"Okay, I will. You're obsessed with taking care of the babies, but in several important ways you're no more than a baby yourself, hence my choice of a pacifier for you. What you'll do is embarrass yourself over and over, never really learning any lessons from the disasters you'll face. You'll do your Pinkie things again and again, making chains and things appear from nowhere, and it won't even help. Those babies are more than a match for you, and you'll fail so hard with them that you'll bawl and cry in complete despair, helpless to do what you promised… and the BABIES will come to your rescue. Not by being adult, but by doing the same dumb stuff you were doing to amuse them! It's not responsible, and it's not okay, and it might be okay if you learn a lesson and keep your distance until you know how to adult better, but then you'll hear the babies say your name and it's off to the races again! It's really for your own good because that situation is just unhealthy for you. And that's how come."
She stared into those eerily innocent blue eyes, searching them. There was no sign the pink party pony had understood a word.
"D… do you understand, Pinkie Pie?"
Pinkie blinked, with another cheerful poinky noise.
"Seems legit. Thanks, Glimmy! Have fun being lots worse and getting away with it just as bad as I would've!"
Her eyes glazed over again. Hastily, Starlight Glimmer plunked her back into Ponyville-space, and then Starlight shrank back into the dark shadow from which she'd come. She watched the six ponies trot off, seemingly undisturbed but in one case slyly adjusted, and she realized her heart was pounding.
"Well, THAT was disturbing," she whispered to herself.
40. The Last Roundup
As with most of Pinkie’s parties, the “Welcome Back From the Equestrian Rodeo Competition Bash” for Applejack was a resounding success. The barn was full of Applejack’s friends and family, enjoying cake and punch and listening to Applejack recount her experiences of the past few days.
“Yeah, it was one heck of a competition. I can’t wait to go back next year and defend mah title!” Applejack said, a few gold medals on her neck jingling against one another as she leaned down to the table to take another bite of cake from her plate. A few inches away were a series of blue first place ribbons, along with a check for the prize money she had won: more than enough to repair town hall. “There was one thing though…”
“What was it, Applejack?” Twilight asked, taking a sip of punch. The only one of her friends that wasn’t gathered around to hear what came next was Pinkie, still in the corner trying to practice her “Surprise!” timing with Apple Bloom after she was just a second slower than everypony else at the party.
“Well, you’ve been to the rodeo in Ponyville, right? We always got three judges for everything, but the Equestrian Rodeo Competition only had one.” Applejack looked down at her medals, lifting them up and then letting them drop.
“Really? I’d been to the ERC once when I was a filly, and I could have sworn they had three judges back then,” Twilight mused to herself, a hoof grazing her chin.
“Seriously, Twi?” Rainbow Dash asked, trying to suppress a giggle.
“My dad really wanted me to go… I practically had my nose buried in a book most of the time,” Twilight replied, a light blush on her cheek.
Applejack nodded as she finished off the last of her cake. “Yeah, it was just this unicorn in a big ten gallon hat and with a mustache. Come to think of it, there weren’t any referees or nothing either.”
“That’s awfully suspicious,” Rainbow Dash added, floating into the air and crossing her front hooves.
“Rainbow Dash,” Rarity said, glaring at Dash, “don’t try and rain on our friend’s parade. I’m sure that’s just the way that rodeo does things is all. If not, for all we know they were short staffed for some reason. You can’t expect them to put off a huge event on such short notice.”
“I didn’t take no offense, Rarity, and Dash has a point. I mean, it was awful suspicious at the time, but I just sort of went along with it. I guess my nerves were gettin’ to me more than I expected.” Applejack rubbed a hoof on her chin as she closed her eyes, recalling more about the event. “In fact, there were a whole lot of ponies gettin’ disqualified too. I think one of em would have beaten me in the barrel race if they hadn’t.”
Twilight looked down at her drink, taking a slow sip as she puzzled over the events she only knew from Applejack’s account. Her eyes drifted slowly to the table, glancing over the ribbons and the check made out to Applejack. It was then she noticed the writing at the bottom of the check...
“Do you remember anything else about the judge?” Rarity asked Applejack, the others eagerly wanting more information as well.
“I mean, I know they were a unicorn on account of their hat falling off when this gust picked up. They had this purple and green looking mane, like in stripes. And their coat was this pinkish purple, I think. Wait…” Applejack’s eyes shot open as the realization hit her, and she saw Twilight looking at her, holding up the check. There was small bit of writing on the memo line:
“Tell Mayor Mare ‘you’re welcome’ for me. - Starlight Glimmer.”
Twilight groaned and buried a hoof in her forehead, before shouting to the roof, “Starliiiight!”
41. The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000
“Twilight Sparkle kept a diary?” Enquired the Great and Inquisitive Trixie, to use one of her many titles, “why did you never tell me this before? We could have had such fun at Princess Sparkle’s expense. Does she talk about colts? Spots? Is she still a virgin?”
“It’s not that kind of journal… well, mostly. I’d rather not have read her more intimate specifications on Big MacIntosh but that’s a different story.” Starlight lay back on the magician’s actual bed in her caravan, bouncing one crossed hind leg over the other as she read the passage about her next 30 second mission again. “Remind me again, Trixie, who was your last ex? Flam?” A sound of disgust and loathing rose from the other corner as Trixie stopped dismantling a failed trick to see where it’s problem lay.
“I told you not to bring up that greasy moustached weirdo ever again!” She snapped, thumping her hoof on the table. Starlight, far from looking apologetic or scared, gave her a polite grin.
“What if I told you we could skip back in time and really ruin their day? Maybe even several of their days,” the Grinch could not have wore a greater smirk than the one Trixie produced…
~*~
“Well lookie what we’ve got here, brother of mine, it’s the same in every town!” started the more energetic and quite frankly handsome of the two show-stallions. Their yellow coats shone and their similar crimson manes bounced whilst balancing their wicker salespony hats as they pranced about their machine, performing to the crowd.
“Ponies with thirsty throats, dry tongues, and not a drop of cider to be found, maybe they're not aware that there's really no need for this teary despair!”
“The key to-“
“What in tarnation are y’all talkin’ about?” interrupted a southern speaking tangerine belle in a tan-brown hat.
“You’ve ran out of cider, we’re providing cider, it seems like a no brainer to me,” waved the more eloquent brother dismissively, “here ye, here ye, step right up if you want to be the first to tr-“
“We ain’t ran out of no cider, fella,” glared the cowmare, now insulted at the attempt to slander her name and the name of her family. She gestured to their stall, where her sister and grandmother had barrels to spare, whilst her brother and friends were eagerly working their flanks off to produce more. Not only that, a sign added to the stall, offering a twenty percent discount to all who helped make more cider, was proving equally successful. The two brother’s jaws dropped.
“So y’see, y’all and yer weird thingy doothinkie there aren’t wanted, fellas,” explained the spokespony of Sweet Apple Acres.
“That’s not fair,” started the moustache-wielding one, “we did our research, you always run out of cider early!”
“We always did,” admitted the mare, “but this time around we got a special visit from a friend a few weeks ago, tellin’ us t’ sort ourselves out with extra stock real quick ‘cause you pair were stalkin’ our business.” She smiled cheerfully to the pair with a couple of nods and then shooed them away with her hoof. The grit teeth and squinting eyes suggested they weren’t quite ready for that yet.
“Your methods are still dreadfully slow, right folks?” Flim began again, “With our machine, we can make enough cider in one hour to satisfy this entire town!”
“That’s right! And if the Apples still dispute that, then I guess we-“ a loud crack, a clank, and a lurch of the machine stopped Flam from finishing his sentence. All ears flew up and the crowd began to chatter nervously, backing away from the infernal machine. The boys looked over their shoulders to the source of the sound, and both gawked in horror at what, or who, they saw.
Trixie strolled across the roof of the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy six-thousand with something that distinctly looked integral to the cider-maker in her mouth. She leaped off of it daintily, gave the locomotive a tap with her hoof and dropped the spare part by the boys’ hooves.
“Trixie?” Exclaimed Flim.
“Snugaboo?” Whimpered Flam.
“You again?” Uttered Applejack with an eyebrow raised. The crowds gasped become a rumble until Trixie eventually spoke.
“Sorry, did the Great and Powerful Trixie break your toy? It was a little loose, Trixie assumed it was already like that,” suddenly, her face was mashed into Flam’s and it took all of Applejack’s power to lever her back. All the while, she rose her voice to Royal Canterlot levels, “JUST LIKE YOU ASSUMED MY HEART WAS A LITTLE LOOSE AND BROKE IT WHEN YOU HOOKED UP WITH THAT TART FROM THE FILTHY CAULDRON BEHIND TRIXIE’S BACK!”
“Whoa, easy there, Sugarcube,” Applejack attempted. In the moments that Trixie got her breath back, Flim realised just what the Great and Technical Trixie had torn from their machine. The parking brake.
With a glance back, he squealed in terror as their pride and joy had already initiated a backwards roll and was picking up speed fast.
“It looks like we've encountered a slight... problem here in Ponyville,” Flam was saying, before he also noticed their runaway vehicle. Both leaped to their hooves and gave chase, to a cheering of the crowd and a deeply terrifying rant from Trixie.
“THAT’S RIGHT, RUN! RUN FROM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE! YOUR MOUSTACHE LOOKS LIKE A DEAD CATERPILLAR AND WHEN I SAID I LIKED IT WHEN YOU SMELLED MY HOOVES TOO, I LIED! AND THIRTY SECONDS? REALLY? I’VE HAD TRICKS LAST LONGER THAN YOUR OR-“
A quick orchid colored hoof covered her mouth and apologised to the crowd, “Trixie, there’s foals present.” Starlight gave Applejack a final salute, a smirk, and together the two ponies poofed back to their own time, whilst a loud crashing explosion came from further down at the end of the orchard. The cowmare tsked softly and shrugged.
“So, who’s next for cider?”
42. Read It and Weep
The heart monitor in the bed next to Dash fizzled for a moment as the familiar corona of their time-fixing friend glowed and snapped. A poorly hidden book tugged itself out in an aura of turquoise magic. Starlight stared at Twilight, and tipped a sly wink.
"Rainbow likes books. Specifically, Daring Do. Also she needs glasses. You two should commiserate over this fact after she's discharged from the hospital today."
Rainbow Dash groaned and hid her muzzle in her hooves, blushing crimson. Twilight's jaw worked for a moment before she managed a quiet murmur.
"I have the complete set, and a new tin of cocoa. Library, later tonight?"
The speedster could only nod once, shyly.
43. Hearts and Hooves Day
Twilight smiled as she brought up her book, her legs once again taking over as she continued her walk. “I've just been reading the most fascinating book about Hearts and Hooves Day. Did you know that this holiday got its start because of a love potion?” The three filles, who had been looking quite defeated, suddenly perked up.
In the span of a second, the three scurried over and dove between the unicorns forelegs. “Did you say… A love potion?” Sweetie Bell asked, a big smile on her face.
Twilight could only smile as her magic flipped open the book. “That’s right! It even has the recipe.” The three filles exchanged a quick glance before Twilight was suddenly lifted off them, by a faint purple glow. She could only let out a small yell before she was tossed into a nearby tree.
“Alright, Twilight's out of the way, and now for the fillies.” Starlight Glimmer dusted off a forehoof before smiling. “Alright you three. Let’s go over some good life lessons…”
Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom all got to their hooves, anger, concern, and just plain confused looks on their faces. “Number one!” Starlight’s hoof came down quickly on the side of Scootaloo’s head. “No, black, magic!”
“Hey!”
Ignoring, the pegasus, Starlight took a few steps closer, towering over the foals. “Number two! You can’t force anypony into love… Trust me, I would know.” Taking a breath, she let out a small sigh. “And number three? Just, be normal!” Giving Scootaloo another quick swipe upon her noggin, Starlight stepped back and quickly teleported away. Leaving not a trace of her presence, but a set of hoof prints in the dirt and her voice on the wind. “Remember… I’m always watching…”
“That was… Weird?” Apple Bloom blinked a few times, trying to process what just went on.
Scootaloo grumbled as she rubbed her head. “Says you! Why did she only hit me?!”
Sweetie Belle looked puzzled, her face scrunched while she blinked a few times. “Have I seen her before?”
Twilight cried out before she hit the ground with a thud. “Ugg, what happened?...” Her eyes fell upon the angry, concerned, and confused fillies once again. “Are you three all right?” The three fillies looked at each other for a few moments, before they all took off running. Twilight tilted her head, watching as the dust cloud dissipated into nothingness. “Uhh…. Ok then? Back to reading!” Her head stuck back in her book, she once again took off. Not even noticing the few strands of light purple hair that was quickly blown away by the wind.
44. A Friend In Deed
Starlight Glimmer watched the whole elaborate, nonsense spectacle unfold, shuddering the entire time.
It was a good thing she'd decided to pack her emergency earplugs, just in case. The Friendship Journal had said that Pinkie's smiles, songs, and songs about smiling often proved to be hypnotic... but if she hadn't seen the entirety of Ponyville prancing like a Bridleway musical for herself, she never would have believed it.
Back and forth between houses she ran, looking for any signs of it stopping, and coming up short every time. It seemed to last forever, until she finally saw a grizzled donkey slowly walking over the approaching Ponyville from the hills, and the path of Pinkie's song putting Pinkie right in his way.
Finally. This was the moment they'd met. And it would only be a moment, if Starlight had anything to say about it.
When she'd read the Journal's entry about Pinkie doing everything she could to near-force Cranky Doodle Donkey to be her friend, she'd done a triple-take in shock. Sometimes Starlight wondered just how far removed her old self and Pinkie Pie truly were. There were tactics in that journal that she'd resorted to herself, once upon a time, in the misguided names of "friendship" and "harmony."
But she'd learned her lesson—at least, she liked to think she had. If she could pass that lesson on to one of her friendship teachers... uh, retroactively, then it'd totally mean something! Right?
Maybe?
Starlight stopped thinking about it before her head started hurting, and focused instead on the winding down song and dance. Seeing her chance, she ran as fast as she could, looking for a certain other donkey in town that the Journal had described in great detail.
It wasn't long before Starlight found her. She ran directly into Matilda's path.
"Come with me if you want to live," Starlight said, gasping for breath. "Uh, happily, that is."
Matilda blinked. "I'm sorry? Begging your pardon, but I'm already pretty happy with my lot in li—"
"No time to argue!" Starlight exclaimed, grabbing Matilda's leg and teleporting her away.
~
"Now, how about that 'C'... hmmm... Calvin? Calhoun? Caleb? Carl? Carmi—eep!" Pinkie yelped, as she was grabbed from behind, and teleported away from Cranky Doodle Donkey. Starlight teleported back to Cranky, transporting Matilda back to where Pinkie had been just moments prior.
"Cranky, This is Matilda," she said, pushing Matilda in Cranky's direction. "Matilda, Cranky. Go ahead and enjoy each others' company—pretty sure you've been waiting for it for a while."
It took a few seconds for both donkeys to realize just who was in front of them—then their eyes widened. Still running on adrenaline, Starlight took that moment to teleport back to Pinkie, then exhaled, long and low. Finally, it was over.
Or maybe not.
"Starlight Glimmer?" Pinkie asked once she finally got her bearings. "What is going on? What did you just do? I was just about to make a new friiiieeeend!" she wailed.
"No you weren't, Pinkie," Starlight huffed. "Believe me, you were not. What you were about to do was make his life miserable."
"No way!" Pinkie said. "That's just not what Pinkie Pie does! Pinkie Pie makes everypony around them smi—"
Starlight grabbed Pinkie from behind, clamping her hoof tightly against Pinkie's muzzle. "Personal space, Pinkie. Personal space is an important concept. I'm in your personal space right now. Do you like it?"
"Mmmmph-mmm," Pinkie said, shaking her head.
Starlight let go, allowing Pinkie to catch her breath. "Yeah, no one does. Including Cranky when you inevitably push back against his playing hard to get."
"But... but everypony loves when Pinkie Pie is in their personal space! It's what gets them to smile!"
"Not this time. There's only one thing that'll get that donkey to smile." Starlight led Pinkie over to a bush, where the two had a vantage point to clearly see Matilda and Cranky, all smiles towards each other. "And now, you're looking at it."
Pinkie surveyed the scene. Her eyes widened, and she nodded sagely. "Oh, wow. Pinkie would never have figured that one out. At least not without first going through his personal belongings one by one, finding out his most treasured secret memories, and probably setting fire to them accidentally."
"That's right. Do you get it, now?"
"Do I ever! Thanks so much, Starlight! I'll definitely keep this in mind."
Starlight nodded, smiling in triumph... before her eyes narrowed, and a chill ran through her. She looked at Pinkie. "Keep what in mind, exactly?"
"That I'm working exactly as intended!" With a wide smile and flopping mane, Pinkie nodded as hard as she could. "Pinkie Pie can still make anypony smile! But Cranky's a donkey! I was just out of my comfort zone. I'll just avoid him—and Matilda, even though she and I were already good?—but the rest of Ponyville's gonna loooooooooooove me tomorrow!"
Humming to herself, Pinkie Pie bounced off to parts unknown.
With a cross between a shriek and a groan, Starlight Glimmer collapsed in defeat.
At least she'd saved Cranky's sanity.
45. Putting Your Hoof Down
“I’ll make your special recipe.”
Just then, there was a knock at the door of Fluttershy’s cabin. She had been arguing with her first and most personal pet Angel Bunny over what she made him for lunch, and now she worried that she might have been overheard by somepony else. “Oh, um, who is it?’
“Lunch delivery, here for a Mr Angel.”
Fluttershy whispered to Angel, “Why would you make such a fuss when you already ordered delivery? And since when did you know how to do that?” Angel shrugged in response, trying to express confusion over the situation, which Fluttershy abely picked up on. “That is strange…”
“This special orange, pineapple, and cucumber sunday with a cherry on top is only gonna be fresh for so long.”
On hearing this, Angel immediately shoved Fluttershy out of the way to open the door for the delivery pony. She was a cute, pink unicorn mare with purple hair and a cute little green uniform. “Ah, thank you so much. Here is your sunday.”
As if out of thin air, the sunday Angel had been craving appeared before him. He almost lept to dig in, but hesitated for a moment, reaching into pants that he was not wearing for a wallet that he did not own. The unicorn responded, “I accept cash, check, or the chance to pet a cute bunny.” Angel excitedly presented himself for pets and the unicorn was very gentle and loving with him.
At the same time, Fluttershy was watching and had found the courage to ask, “Um, so, how is it that you know my Angel Bunny?”
“Oh, we go way back,” she answered. “I’d love to go into it, but I don’t have a lot of time. We deliver in 30 seconds or it’s free!” She turned to Angel. “Bye, cutie!” And with that, she teleported away and was gone.
Fluttershy stood in confused silence for a minute while Angel pined after this mare who had just pet him, his despair hampered only by the bomb-as-heck sunday that she left for him. At last, Fluttershy asked, “Since when do you have a special marefriend?”
46. It's About time
It was just after dawn, and Twilight knew she was a dead mare. Princess Celestia had just caught them all red-hoofed in the Starswirl the Bearded wing of the Royal Archives.
But then the Princess just smiled infuriatingly and ignored the fact that her faithful student, Pinkie Pie, and Spike all stood there like they were caught in the headlight of an on-rushing freight train.
And all of them were wearing black spandex.
Oh, of course! It’s Tuesday, Celestia thought. Good thing I dressed for it.
“Good morning, Twilight! Love the new hair style.”
“Urk!” Twilight replied as she caught sight of Her Royal Highness Princess Celestia, Goddess of the Sun, Guardian of all Equestria, her mentor, wearing a super-skin-tight—
“Ooooh, good morning, Princess!” Pinkie Pie said. She pointed an excited hoof, and bounced. “Wow, you’re really rocking that catmare suit!”
“Why, thank you, Pinkie Pie. A secret admirer left it outside my chambers this morning. I think I’ll wear it to the High Council meeting, today—I’m sure that will shake them up a bit! Well, happy Tuesday, everypony.”
“Urk?” Twilight replied, staring off into the far depths of the archive as Celestia disappeared into the stacks. Spike waved a claw in front of her face, to no reaction.
“I think Princess Celestia just broke Twilight,” he said. “Again.”
Pinkie Pie giggled. “No, silly! That’s just Twilight!”
At that instant a flash of light blinded them all, and a familiar mysterious mare appeared before Twilight. Wearing a catmare suit.
“You again!” Twilight shouted, thrusting an accusing hoof at the mare. Then she saw the black spandex. “You—you gave Princess Celestia a catmare suit, didn’t you?”
“Huh? Sure, but so what? I gave Princess Luna one, too,” Starlight Glimmer said. “It’s Tuesday. But that’s not important right now—pay attention!”
Starlight unfurled a scroll that was held in her field, and it raced away, unraveling along the floor until it hit the archive’s distant wall. Hundreds and hundreds of unmarked check-boxes cried out to Twilight for Completion...
“Hey, that’s my list!”
The parchment flashed away and re-appeared, rolled up again in Starlight’s field. She whapped Twilight on the snout with it.
“Hey!” Twilight said. “You did that to Applejack, but it won’t work on me—”
Starlight clenched her teeth and the scroll burst into flames.
“Oh my gosh,” Twilight gasped. She stared as little firefalls of burning scroll drifted down and flamed out. She glared at the other mare. “You fiend! Now I... now I’m going to have to do it all again.”
Starlight rolled her eyes. Past-Twilight had so much to learn.
“Twilight, you big doofus—you’re only here right now because you couldn’t stop worrying and just let the future handle itself. Don’t interrupt! You went crazy over a to-do list and then you went even crazier and created an infinite spiraling time loop! I mean, you freaked out an infinity of already OCD-frazzled Twilight Sparkles, and we both know you were just about to set it all in motion again.”
Twilight stared at Starlight as the full weight of that revelation set in. Starlight sighed.
“Look, you just forgot one of the most important lessons, ever, or maybe you never really learned it. It’s not just about time—it’s about not being the cause of your own bucking problems.”
“I... Okay,” Twilight said with a sigh, and nodded. “You’re probably right.”
Starlight smiled. She had to give her friend credit—when she understood that she was wrong, she never shied away from admitting it to herself and moving on.
“Write another list, Twilight, but this time leave some time open in it for yourself. Don’t just be a clock ticking away at all the little check-boxes.”
She lit her horn and smirked a little before she flashed away.
“Oh and by the way, you look fantastic in a catmare suit. Happy Tuesday!”
47. Dragon Quest
As reality tasted purple for a second, Starlight Glimmer popped into existence once again. And this time she hadn’t done so while occupying the same space as some other unfortunate creature which not having to clean the blood off of herself this time gave her at least 3 seconds longer than she had last week… or last minute, depending on whose point of view you were watching from.
The sky was dark. Until it wasn’t. A huge blast of light ignited only a few meters away from her letting her know this was the right spot/time. With that knowledge she looked over to a bizarre looking green dragon and just stared. The dragon waved with 3 different colored legs. Starlight didn’t wave back. Instead she just looked over the bush as 3 [or was it 4? Who cares] dragons approached Spike.
“You got one? Alright! Looks like the raid wasn’t a complete waste after all.”
“So what do we do with it now?”
“Smash it!”
Some internal conflict played in Spike’s head as he raised it above his head. His conscious got the better of him as he lowered the egg and said “N-” the egg fell from his hand as if pushed by some unseen force. “Ah crap…” Spike muttered as it shattered on the ground.
The dragons immediately ate the horror on the ground in front of Spike that one could only ever know if they’ve cracked a baby bird into a mixing bowl before. What? Did you think they were their just to smash the eggs for fun. No, smashing them for fun was just a bonus.
Meanwhile, back in the bushes.
“What, whe-, why would you do that?” Twilight whisper-yelled at this mysteries unicorn.
“If anything, I’m saving that bird from suffering. From what I can tell it either died from Spike neglecting it, never being seen with it again or it gets killed because you also forget about it when Tirek blows up the library.” Starlight said without whisper before she loudly popped back out of existence leaving a smell of mach 5.
“When wot?!”
Meanwhile, back in Ponyville
“Twiley, are you home? Did you get the letter Celestia sent you telling you visiting to make sure you’re here before I’m busy for the next 3 weeks with the shield spell thing… hello?!”
Earlier
A weird looking green dragon walked up to an even weirder looking green dragon.
“Uh, Twilight dear. Something’s poking me… two somethings. Oh… oh my. Oh MY!!!”
Later
“At first I thought Garble was a bit of a douche but really all he did was help me out and show me how dragon society works. And thanks to him I was accepted among the dragons and had Ponyville deemed as my territory with outer holding of all of Equestria. Now no dragon may lay claim to it without my permission or face the Dragon Lord’s wrath. Securing Equestria’s safety for generation to come! So what did you three get up to while I was on my quest?”
Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Rarity all sat around the table with him back in the library. Twilight was writing notes and examining the contents of a vial she’d collected. Rainbow Dash was covering her mouth, trying not to laugh at what she’d noticed was still in Rarity’s hair. And Rarity sat there with a disheveled mane still in shock, slightly shaking as her eye twitched remembering the newly discovered mating habits of the Crackle dragon subspecies. “I don’t want to talk about it…” as Rainbow Dash burst into laughter.
48: Hurricane Fluttershy
Patriotic music began to blare from a tiny speaker attached to a film projector as Starlight Glimmer popped into existence. Even given that said film projector was old enough to belong in a museum, the general music quality was low enough that Starlight desperately wished that her mission was to drop the whole thing into a volcano and set the volcano on fire.
“Every living thing depends on the life-giving nourishment of rainwater!” piped the video’s far-too-enthusiastic announcer. “And it is up to Cloudsdale to provide rain-filled clouds to every corner of Equestria! But how, one pony might ask, does Cloudsdale gather all this extra water?”
Not wanting to sully her magic by levitating the reel, Starlight warped over, picked the projector up with her hoof and threw it as hard as she could against the wall. The solid crunch of irreparable metals shattering against solid wood was worth even more than the shocked expressions on everypony’s faces.
“Me!” Starlight chirped. “They get me to do it.”
“Wait, what just happened?” Rainbow Dash sputtered. “Haven’t I seen you—”
“Back in a bit!” Starlight announced, vanishing in another puff of aquamarine magic. It took a bit for her eyes to adjust to the dim evening light as she reappeared in front of the Official Ponyville Highland Reservoir. It would have taken a truly powerful unicorn to lift such an enormous volume of water even an inch out of the reservoir, much less a foot.
Good thing Starlight Glimmer was several dozen notches about “truly powerful.”
“Hup!” She huffed as he horn glowed, lifting the entire contents of the reservoir out of the basin with the ease of a mother lifting an infant and/or the ease of a talented unicorn destroying an indescribably awful film projector. One more huff and intensified glow from her horn, and the body of water rocketed into the air, soaring like a majestic liquid meteor directly into the Official Cloudsdale Water Storage Basin.
Starlight relaxed just long enough to summon up a set of Officially Super Cool Sunglasses, then warped straight back into the Golden Oak Library. Not only did the sunglasses protect her eyes from the sharp adjustment in light intensity, but they made her look wicked impressive in front of Spike and a bunch of ponies that, honestly, weren’t worth her time.
“Aw, man!” Spike moaned. “It’s never gonna get fixed like this!”
“Good. I’m pretty sure actually exposing other ponies to that nightmare is a federal offense.” Starlight replied. “One last thing.”
“Hey!” Rainbow Dash squeaked. “Stop interrupting—”
“La la la la I can’t hear you, featherbrain.” Starlight Glimmer replied as she froze time. Calmly, like it Weren’t No Thang, she strolled over to Fluttershy and tapped the buttery-colored pegasus on the head.
“W-what?” Fluttershy squeaked as she unfroze from time. “W-who—”
“Your fairy godmother from the future. Listen, the rainwater business is done. You’re off the hook. But you need to do yourself a favor, okay?” Starlight leaned in a little closer. “I know the real reason why being fearless now is good for future you.”
Fluttershy blinked. “Uh?”
“There’s an actual payoff to being bold, trust me. All you need to do is act as brave as you possibly can and put as much trust in all of your friends as your friends put in you, and you’ll find yourself a really good coltfriend in a little under a year.”
“U-um…”
“My personal objections aside, you’ll like him. He’s got an impish sense of humor, a nice smile and the world biggest...uh, heart. Yeah. Heart is what I meant.”
Color rushed into Fluttershy’s face. For a second, Starlight was worried that she might have just caused Fluttershy’s death via blood loss. But then the Pegasus’ blush settled into something more reasonable, and she lifted her hoof in an actual freaking salute.
“Yes, ma’am!” Fluttershy replied. “I’ll try!”
“That’s the spirit!” Starlight grinned. “Glad to see your priorities are, uh, straight. Now, time’s gonna unfreeze itself in about ten seconds, and I’ve got somewhen else I need to be. Try to act scared so the others don’t get suspicious, okay? Ciao.”
And as Starlight warped out of existence, part of her wished that she could have done it as stylishly as her glasses suggested: with a metric buttload of explosions going off behind her. But the other part of her knew she couldn’t do that. It would be rude, and more importantly it would be over two years off-schedule.
49: Ponyville Confidential
Rarity let out an irritated grunt as she tripped over the little white saddlebag in the middle of her showroom floor.
"Oh, Sweetie Belle," she groused, lifting it into the air. "Was she raised in a barn or something?"
A rolled paper slid out from the loose flap, catching her attention, and she gasped. A sudden insatiable curiosity gripped Rarity's mind. She eyed the paper like a dog watching a strip of bacon cook on the stovetop.
"You really shouldn't be snooping, Rarity," she said, her better nature trying vainly to assert itself.
That was when Starlight Glimmer asserted herself on the front door of Carousel Boutique.
"No," she said loudly as the door blew inward, covering all and sundry in a shower of tiny yet aesthetically pleasing wooden shards. "You really shouldn't."
Rarity stared at the strange mare who had just destroyed her front door. Shock and anger warred over her tongue, rendering it still. This gave Starlight the opening she needed to storm up and attempt to snatch the paper from her magic. I say 'attempt' because Rarity was somehow clinging to it like a barnacle to the side of a ship despite her current lack of coherent thought.
So Starlight flicked her horn.
It made a "boioioing!" sort of noise and interrupted both Rarity's inner turmoil and her magic. Starlight scooped up the paper, shoved it back into the saddlebag, and secured the flap.
"Ow!" shouted Rarity.
Starlight snickered. "You know, if that didn't look like it hurt, I'd do it again. The sound was hilarious."
"How dare you!" Rarity sputtered. "Coming in here and destroying my-- And, and assaulting--"
"No, how dare you." Starlight thumped the saddlebag into Rarity's chest, knocking the wind out of her. "As I speak, your little sister and her friends are trying to get their cutie marks in journalism, and unless you want her to get the idea that snooping through your sister's things is okay if you really want to do it, I suggest you go with your first instinct with regards to her bags."
Rarity stared blankly at Starlight. "B-but, I, I..."
"She'll publish--" Starlight pushed her nose up against Rarity's-- "your diary."
A refined but otherwise terrified shriek coursed through the boutique.
Snorting, Starlight unleashed a few precious seconds of temporal energy from the spell holding her in the timeline, sending the wood shards rocketing back into the door frame, whole. "Now go give that back to Sweetie Belle. You can thank me in three years, once we're friends."
Not even turning to look at Rarity, Starlight vanished with a pop and a ding.
Rarity would have stared at the spot she vanished from for quite possibly the rest of the day had Sweetie Belle not stomped down the stairs in a huff.
"Can you please keep it down with all the shouting and explosions? I'm trying to-- Hey!" She gave her older sister an indignant look, rushing up to her and grabbing her saddlebag. "Were you snooping through my things?"
Rarity blinked. She looked at her sister with nothing but concern. And confusion. And possibly indigestion.
"No," she said truthfully. "No, I was not." She frowned a dainty frown and added, "And you really shouldn't leave your things in the middle of the floor, dear. Somepony could trip over them and get hurt!"
"Sorry," Sweetie mumbled. Donning the saddlebag, she huffed her way back upstairs, muttering, "Won't do it again."
In the day that followed, she and her friends would agree that being kicked off the school newspaper was not the worst thing that had ever happened to them, as it meant they didn't have to work for Diamond Tiara for the rest of their school careers.
50. MMMmystery On The Friendship Express
Pinkie Pie screamed a terrible, gut-wrenching scream. It was the kind of scream you expected to hear come from the first witness to a murder. The pink mare with the filly-esque attitude to everything important was staring in horror at the mutilation of the prize cake she had sworn to protect. Twilight, who stood beside her, had grown used to the varying ear drum destructive wails from Pinkie in the time that she’d known her, and quietly reminded herself of the restorative hearing spell she had back at home when she had returned from this trip.
“What is it?” yawned Applejack, steadying herself as the train-car they all rode one rocked from side to side steadily, not ceasing it’s journey to Canterlot for a glorified and now butchered fondant fancy.
“What happened?” asked Rainbow Dash uselessly. Applejack’s question had been quite sufficient.
“It's the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness, it's been-” Pinkie took a quick gulp of sobbing breath before crying out, “mutilated!” Everyone gasped in horror as they stared at the destroyed corner of the cake.
“Now we just need to find out who done it,” stated the pink detective, examining the teeth marks in the cake.
“You mean, who did it,” offered her grammatically-savvy friend.
“Exactly. Who did-done-do’d it,” Pinks took a swipe at the air and spun herself around to face the suspicious and motley group of friends and bakers.
“Well,” began Twilight importantly, “having read many mystery novels, I know that the only way to discover the culprit is to investigate.”
“Exactly!” As though prepared for this mystery aboard the Friendship Express, Pie produced a deerstalker and pipe, made famous by certain other detectives. She pumped the pipe with her lungs, and a gigantic bubble formed over the rim, eventually capturing and exploding around her lavender unicorn chum’s head, “and as chief detective, that's exactly what I'm gonna do.” Small glassy orbs popped from the pipe as she considered the crime. Oh, she knew. It was only a matter of time...
“Uh, you're investigatin'?” enquired Applejack, her eyebrow sinking at the suggestion.
“Yes! And Twilight shall be my lowly assistant who asks silly questions with obvious answers.” On went the bowler hat of ridicule for her overly-analytical compadre. Twilight looked up at her new headwear, sighed with a swivel of her eyes and turned to Pinkie.
“Fine, Pinkie. Should we start looking for clues?” Pinkie reloaded her pipe, preparing herself for the judgement minute that was due right on schedule.
“Perfect silly question, my dear Twilight. Because the obvious answer is,” pause for effect...
“Yes?” asked ‘Ol’ Silly Questions’ herself.
“No! 'Cause I know who did it.” A fresh round of mortification rose up from the suspect line up. They didn’t believe her, of course they didn’t, she had nothing to base her facts on! Or, did she?
“Pinkie, how could you possibly know?” Here it was. The moment she was prepared for. As soon as the pieces of the puzzle had fallen into place, she knew exactly who the real perpetrators were...
“How could I possibly not know?” She trotted the line, head high, bubbles blown, confidence in her coming conviction present. “Clearly this dastardly deed was done by…” She paused beside Gustave le Grand, giving him a secondary glance, and wetting her tongue for her verdict.
“...All of you.” There was no gasp this time. No pretend awe or shock. Just trepidation and a heavy air of guilt.
“That… That doesn’t make... “ Twilight stumbled on her words, but Pinkie tilted her head strongly, daring her to deny it.
“Even Applejack,” scoffed Rainbow Dash, signing her own admission of culpability, “she’s the most honest among us, Pinks, how’d you figure she had anything to do with this?”
“Huh! You have a point Rainbow,” Pinkie sipped the pipe by accident. She chose not to draw attention to it as bubbles broke out of her mouth with her next words, “then agaaain, Applejack hasn’t had to prove her innocence because I haven’t asked her if she did it yet!” She rose her hoof in the air, before flinging it towards her cowmare comrade, “did you take a bite from Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness!”
“Yes!” wailed Applejack painfully, “Ah did! We all did! We made a pact, an’ we agreed we would all take a bite, then Twilight would lead ya’ on some wild goose chase that ended up with Dashie, Rares and ‘Shy takin’ the rap!”
“And we would have gotten away with it too,” growled Twilight, giving Applejack a sock in the arm, then she sighed ruefully.
“You’re right. We just couldn’t help ourselves. When you were describing it the other night, you made it sound so delicious! And we’re all really sorry. But… How’d you figure it out so fast, Pinkie? You didn’t even look for any clues!”
“That’s the silliest question yet, my silly assistant,” She booped Twilight on the nose with the pipe, and smirked, “and as punishment… I’m just not going to tell you.” Therefore, the company all found themselves struggling with their own mystery, which led to stress eating and a hasty job of making four cakes become one…
-One Week Earlier…-
Wiggling tail, shaking right hind hoof, warmth under the belly! That can only mean…
“Hi, future-friendship buddy Starlight!” crowed Pinkie, even as the pale blush of a pony with a swirl of blueish-lavender mane stepped through a portal with a book, blinking at the barely startled mare.
“I … will never get used to how you do that,” Starlight muttered, shaking her head then offering the book, “this is for you. Murder on the Orient Express! It’s a real page turner and you’re gonna want to read it before your next train journey…”
“Ooooh, a book,” Pinkie tried to sound excited, “are there pictures?” The time traveller groaned and held up a hoof, popping away for a brief second, and returning moments later with a cassette player and headphones.
“Here’s the audio-book version, and a coloring book with crayons...”
51 & 52. A Canterlot Wedding.
Shining Armor sat across the table from his pink, alicorn fiance. They were going over the guest list.
"I need to go to Ponyville and tell my sister in person that I'm getting married," Shining said.
"No. I need you to stay here," Cadance said.
"Why?"
"Because... uh, because a threat has been made against Canterlot!" she said. "You need to stay here."
A low laugh came from the hallway.
"He- he-he, ho-ho, ha ha-ha. Ha," Starlight Glimmer feigned sarcastic laughter as she walked into the room. "And I thought my jokes were bad."
"Who are you? How did you get in here?" Shining asked in a panic as he stood to take a defensive stance. "Are you the threat?" Starlight's lips peeled back into a sly grin.
"Not yet," she said. "I'm actually a friend of Twilight's." She looked at Cadance. "I have an important message for her."
"For me?" Cadance asked as she walked closer. "What is it?" Starlight could barely keep the smile from her face.
"Forgive me, Your Highness, but you have something on your face..." Starlight said.
Cadance brought a hoof to her cheek to feel for whatever the unicorn was talking about. Starlight's horn fired a disenchantment spell at her, nullifying the disguise, and revealing the Changeling Queen, Chrysalis. Starlight cocked her hoof back. The enchanted horseshoe she was wearing glowed brightly with energy. Starlight punched Chrysalis square in the face and the horseshoe released the kinetic force of a freight train, sending the bug flying back through the window and streaking through the sky to the distant horizon.
"It was PAIN!" Starlight cackled maniacally.
"What did you just do to my fiance!?" Shining yelled angrily, his horn flaring to life.
"She saved me from a slow death in a cave," the real Cadance said, walking into the room after Starlight. The two embraced as Starlight turned to leave, mission accomplished.
"Wait!" Shining said. "There has to be something I can do to repay you for saving my bride!"
~
Twilight Sparkle grumbled in irritation. She was pleased with the news, when her brother had visited Ponyville to personally tell her that he was marrying her old foal-sitter, Cadance. But as she stood there on the altar with her Ponyville friends as bride's maids, she couldn't help but glare at Starlight standing beside her.
"Trust me, Twilight," Glimmer said. "You don't even want to know the kind of headache I just prevented for all of you."
"Great. But I still can't believe my brother made you his Best Mare!"