//------------------------------// // Chapter 1: Wrong Place, Wrong Time // Story: Never Lucky // by Ferris the 1st //------------------------------// So, there I was, dangling over the edge of an active volcano, my sole life-line being the rope tangled around my hoof, holding an ancient artifact whose purpose I could only guess at. My life had become a series of progressively worse events leading up to this point. ...Confused? Congratulations, now you know how I felt most of the time in the months leading up to that. Now that you're in the proper mindset to understand how little I can explain, let me go back to the beginning of it all. My name is Lucky Signs. Lucky for short and I'm anything but so. I'd like to think I'm a fairly handsome earth pony, but I think most of the mares would consider me more... lanky and cute in most cases. If only that worked on my boss. From the tips of my ears to the frogs of my hooves, I'm a maroon colored pony with an offsetting mane and tail of navy blue. Ironically, my cutie mark is a four-leafed clover coming out of a pot of golden bits. Don't let that fool you. Ever since I was a colt, I had a habit of being accident prone and yet most ponies would tell you I'm incredibly lucky. It all started on the day that I'd won a scavenger hunt at my school by happenstance. Everypony had made it to the last clue, but none of us could possibly figure it out. I'd climbed up to the top of the slide to try and get a better view, hoping that the vantage point would help me see something that would sound right. Well, one of the other foals decided to be in my way and trip me. That began a long series of falling onto the teeter-totter, being thrown across the playground to roll down a hill, and landing face-first in the answer. That became the general feeling of my life. If there's one thing that's lucky, I guess it's that I haven't been fired from my job as a local delivery colt. Not the best job I could have landed, but I didn't exactly trust myself with something bigger, like being a lumberjack. So long as I avoided anything out of the ordinary, I managed to not make a fool of myself. Then came the day that my parents contacted me to hire me. It was supposed to be simple. I just needed to deliver a letter to my aunt in Canterlot. They even payed for the trip, so it was a walk in the park. Of course I had jitters about going out of town for a job due to the chance at doing something stupid, but they were paying me well, most likely because they were my parents. I didn't even have to stay long. Just deliver the letter and head back home. Not nearly enough time to get caught up in strange things, right? Wrong! Very wrong. Oh, it went well enough at first. I made it to Canterlot without destroying the train and made the delivery before I could end up being accused of assaulting a noble. For once, everything seemed to be going my way, so I made the mistake of stopping in at one a Donut Joe's for a victory treat. I was sitting at one of the booths, minding my own business when a stallion dressed all in black and wearing a mask entered. It was surreal as I watched the strange pony draw a loaded crossbow and point it at the poor cashier. I was in the middle of a robbery! What else could I do but the same thing everypony else was doing and comply with his demands! “Everypony up against the wall! Nopony tries anything funny, I don't put a bolt between their eyes,” he shouted, flailing the weapon wildly while the little unicorn mare desperately tried to open the register for him, “no heroics! I've got a nifty blade here for anypony who thinks that they can take me while I reload!” Whether his claims were true or not, nopony felt like testing the crazed stallion. He was herding us toward the wall furthest from the door when it all went wrong. Now, it would be uncouth of me to comment on a mare's weight, but the one in front of me definitely... enjoyed her food. So much so that she was still chomping on a cream filled donut as she walked. My eyes were a little too focused on the gentlestallion with a weapon to notice how her noisy chomping was causing her to drop cream filling all over the floor. As I was just passing by the criminal, my hoof landed in some of it and I lost my balance. Snorting as I fell, I flailed my hooves and I felt my back hoof smack into something sturdy as I spun in a dizzying circle. The crossbow skittered across the store as I landed on my back, looking up into the shocked eyes of the stallion. He was a big one. Easily standing head and ears over me and filled out just as well, he glowered down at me, brown eyes full of rage as a hoof shot to his pocket and drew out a long knife. He hadn't been lying, if that wasn't apparent. He glared a hole into my skull as he snorted, “What did I say about heroes, colt,” he demanded as he readied the blade, “guess I gotta make an example out of you!” I brought all of my hooves up defensively, stuttering out, “No, wait-!” That was all I got out as he stepped into the same glob of goo that had sent me sprawling. His eyes widened in surprise moments before his fell face first into one of my hooves. Locked up in fear, the appendage had no give and I heard his jaws clack together... hard. I could only stare as his eyes rolled up into his head and his body went limp, sliding off to one side with a loud thump! A moment of silence passed before one of the patrons poked at the limp form, “Sweet Celestia,” the individual, a stallion if I remember correctly, “you knocked his lights right out!” Thank you, Captain Obvious. Speaking of Captains, this was about the time that a trio of guardsponies burst through the door, ready for a fight. Which is why they were extremely confused by the crowd of ponies helping a maroon stallion to his feet and praising him. I was in the same boat. It took a few minutes for them to sort everything out. Apparently, during the moments when the stallion had turned his back, the mare behind the counter had crushed an emergency alarm crystal to alert the guard. Good on her. They collected a full report from everypony, but... there was a little detail that most of them decided to get wrong. Despite my insistence to the contrary, the patrons of the store had somehow gotten it into their heads that I was some kind of black-belt karate master and had done it all on purpose. In the end, they felt it necessary for me to go down to the local barracks to fill out an incident report. It was there that I met the devil-mistress herself: Lieutenant Martial Cadence. Don't ever comment on her sharing a name with Princess Cadence unless you want to end up as her personal punching bag. She takes way too much pleasure in defining the difference between, in her words, “a prissy pink princess” and a “mistress of the lance.” As a word of warning, my fellow stallions, also not something to comment on. Poor Private Vermilion... he'll never be the same... When I met this horrible, horrible pegasus, she was every bit as intimidating as one could imagine. I was beginning to think that most of the ponies in Canterlot had something against normal heights as she towered head and neck over me. Truth be told, she could probably look Princess Luna in the eyes without tilting her head. Not to mention that she was wearing full armor. Even the helmet. While sitting behind a dark wood desk in a room lit mostly by torchlight. Did I also mention that she was a thestral? Let me emphasize that to you, thestral, not bat pony. How was I supposed to know? I was a country colt and my town had never seen one before! If she was anything less than a ten on your fear-o-meter up to this point, the hint of sharp fangs and the doom glare she'd perfected would break the meter! “What is this,” she demanded of the pony escorting me to her office, “why have you brought this stallion to me?” If she wasn't so angry and loosened her tone a bit, she might have an attractive voice. As it was, I could only stand there and gulp as my escort moved to her side and whispered into her ear. I did not like the sudden attention I was getting from those piercing blue eyes with their slit pupils. It was at this point she decided to stand up. Even with the armor on, I could tell that she had a toned body with short, lustrous, amethyst fur covering her. I couldn't see her mane, but the regulation length tail of orchid hair gave me a good guess. She stared at me like she was trying to see into my soul, “My second tells me that you single-hoofedly apprehended a criminal attempting to rob a Donut Joe's. He was armed and you were not, according to eyewitnesses. Explain yourself.” Not like I was going to argue with her. Not there was much to say as I crumpled under her stare, “I, uh... I slipped, ma'am.” I choked out, trying my best not to squeak. There was a tense pause as she regarded me, blinking once. Only once. “You... slipped?” I nodded, “Y-yes ma'am. There was some cream filling on the floor... when I went to pass him and get up against the wall, I slipped...” “...and disarmed the culprit?” “J-just the crossbow. It was an accident as I was falling, I wasn't trying to do anything...” “Then he pulled a knife on you and you struck him?” “N-no ma'am. Well, yes, he pulled a knife on me, but he slipped as well and I was just trying to defend myself, so I had my hoof up... and he just.... fell into it.” She wasn't buying it. I could tell it by the way one of her brows continued to climb toward her helmet line with each word I spoke. She circled me once as I finished my explanation, then returned to her seat, clasping her hooves beneath her chin. “...Mr... Lucky Signs, was it,” she waited for my confirmation, “I have been part of the guard for some time now and I have been told all manner of stories, ranging from the mildly believable to the absolutely ludicrous. You're story... is absolutely crab-apples!” she shouted as she rose up, slamming one hoof into her desk and pointed the other at me. “You, a newcomer to Canterlot, happened to be in such a predicament and ended the situation without assistance! I don't know what they teach you back home, Lucky Signs, but here in Canterlot, taking the law into your own hooves is not acceptable! Apparently you knew that and decided to come up with a foalish story and thought that would get you off without consequence!” I backed up, sputtering, but found my way barred by my previous escort. He simply stood there, stone-faced and unmoving as the crazy mare jumped over her desk to jab her hoof directly into my face. She was still mid-tirade, “Shame on you! There are laws against such reckless behavior for a reason! No matter how sure of your own abilities you are, others could have been hurt!” She was fuming as she turned and began to pace back and forth in front of me, “I will not have the law of my city trampled underhoof by somepony like you, understand! You will be punished,” a leap over her desk with a light flap of her bat-like wings landed her in her seat again, “I will see to it that you are publicly-!” A flash of magic interrupted her as a small scroll landed in front of her. I was blinded by it long enough for her to have opened and read whatever message she had received. If the deepening scowl on her face was any indication, it wasn't good news. She confirmed as much when she looked up at me with malice in her gaze. “...it would seem... that we are at an impasse... my boss has seen fit to offer you a choice,” she practically hissed at me, “for your transgressions... here is your ultimatum... you can work off your charges by joining the guard as an auxiliary...” I blinked. Did she think I was crazy, “uh... not that the offer isn't generous, but what's the other option...?” She gave me a dangerous grin, full of evil. If this mare wasn't the second coming of Nightmare Moon, I didn't know what was. Her answer was just as terrifying, “the other option is that I get full choice of your punishment, the current letter of the law notwithstanding.” Apparently I was crazy, “Errr... well, where do I sign up?” That was how I ended up joining the Royal Guard of Canterlot....