The cold wind lashed against me as I opened the door to one of the balconies in the Castle Of Friendship. Despite the crystals feeling like they were made out of ice themselves, the wind had little to no effect towards me, as long as I had my feathers on me.
I placed a claw on the railing, resting my chin on another as I recalled the day's events. After cleaning up the school, we headed over to Headmare Twilight's Castle Of Friendship for a dinner as she promised. I was honestly surprised at how Silverstream didn't die from the sheer excitement of being in the princess's castle for the first time, more so when Smolder didn't eat the entire castle upon seeing the amount of crystal spires. The Elements Of Harmony seem to have food for every creature, and I have to admit that some of the food ponies ate weren't that bad after all. In fact, I'd say some of them were better than those dried stuff we'd find in Griffonstone.
Despite the whole situation being resolved and the teachers have forgiven us... I'd be lying if I said it didn't still bother me. I still feel this sadness lingering in my chest, something hollow and empty as if my heart was dug out of where it was before being placed back. It didn't feel right, as if something inside me was still broken, something that cannot be fixed.
Ever since I wandered Griffonstone as an orphan, I've kept my history to myself. Not because I felt like it would destroy my reputation as a majestic creature (although that is partially the reason now), but because I felt like I couldn't trust anyone after that incident. They're gone, simple as that, and I've shut my heart out from the world ever since.
But today, a series of unfortunate events had led to those doors I kept locked for so long being opened again, my deepest secrets exposed for everyone else to see. Well, not everyone - only two of my teachers and five of my friends, the closest thing that I have to family now. Still, it was something that I'm still not sure how I feel about. Granted, it was all my dumb fault for pulling that prank at the first place... but I couldn't say I regret it, even though some part of me wished it never happened, for better or worse.
They didn't know that I left out a few details in the story. What I told them was true - I felt like an outcast in Griffonstone since the day I lost my family, and Grandpa Gruff wasn't really anyone's grandpa, but there was still a whole part of the story their missing. One part that will forever define me.
Now, looking at the snow drifting lazily through the air, I gaze up to the moon, casting a soft glow on the small town where the ponies lived - Ponyville, they called it. I sighed. Somehow, I knew that a part of my heart would forever ache for the feeling of being around Ma and Pa again, and my unnamed brother that had yet to experience the joy of the Blue Moon Festival...
"Hey, you okay there? You seemed a bit distant at the table just now."
I snapped out from my reverie, turning around slightly to see a pale green earth pony standing in the doorway. My muscles that I didn't realize were tense relaxed as the colt walked up to join me on the balcony. "Hey, Sandbar."
I wanted to continue my sentence and say, "It's nothing, I'm fine", but I knew that was a lie. I wasn't. And although Sandbar was not anything like Professor Applejack, he wasn't dumb enough to buy it.
So instead, I kept my mouth shut. I felt his presence as he came up to stand beside me. I can practically feel his gaze piercing through my soul, and for a moment, I felt defenseless, unable to guard anything deep inside myself.
"Gallus... you don't need to say anything if you don't feel like it." His voice was reassuring, letting a foreign warmth creep into my heart that was unlike those that my feathers provided. "I know how it's like. To feel like it isn't okay, I mean." He quickly added, as if he thought I would be offended.
"If you're feeling up to it though... I'd just like to know what's wrong. Is there anything still bothering you?" The earth pony asked softly, his bluish green eyes gently gazing upon me. "I don't want to stand beside and watch while one of my best friends is suffering for whatever reason."
I am a griffon, and I didn't like to show weakness, but somehow Sandbar made me lose my sarcasm and defensive stance whenever we were alone, and this time was no exception. Besides, if I trusted anyone with my secret... it would be him.
"I'm afraid there's something I haven't told you all." I gave him a sad smile. "I... I don't know if I'm ready to say it." I don't know if I'll ever be. I didn't need to say anything more, the knowing look in his eyes told me that he understood where I was coming from.
"It's okay, Gallus," my pony friend reassured, gently laying a hoof on my back, a gesture that made me stiffen slightly, but I didn't back off. If I was being honest, it was actually a comforting gesture. "Everyone has their secrets, and I understand that you want to keep something to yourself too. Just know that..." The earth pony took a deep breath before continuing, "No matter what your problem is... I'll always be here for you. Maybe not to help you solve whatever is on your mind, since I couldn't read it and understand your problem," he laughed at that statement. "But I would always be around. Just so you wouldn't feel alone."
I didn't know why, but that statement made me blush slightly, although it was barely visible beneath my feathers. Sandbar was willing to sacrifice his holiday and time with his parents, just so that I wouldn't have to go through my punishment alone, which I rightfully deserve after what I've done. Although it turned out all good in the end, I'm still touched at my friends' willingness to stay back, even though it meant losing their chance to spend time with their families and friends back at home.
Looking at the pale moonlight casting over my friend's face, I felt the ice from my heart slowly melt away, leaving the secrets behind closed doors pouring out. Sandbar was my friend - deep down in my heart maybe I even felt he was something more, given that he always had this weird effect on me when I speak to him. He might or might not have noticed, but I was always less snappy and temperamental around him. Some would argue that he was the least annoying out of the other creatures, at least when compared to Silverstream or Yona, but I wouldn't have agreed with that.
"Sandbar?"
The earth pony switched his gaze from the distant stars to me, still wearing the same smile that made my heart rate increase just a little bit every time. "Yes, Gallus?"
"I... I trust you, okay? I mean, as more than a friend. Wait, no, that's not what I meant - but argh." I fumbled over with my words, my face positively flushed. "What I'm trying to say is, I think I can tell you. What's on my mind, I mean. I don't know why... but I feel like I can trust you more than the others." My heart settled down a bit after I got that out. "All I ask is that... could you keep it a secret? I don't want others to know... yet."
Sandbar nodded his head firmly. "Well, I didn't expect that. That was fast. But don't worry, cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." He repeated those gestures he showed me before, a pony's way of making the most sacred promises. "It's a Pinkie Promise. I'll be ready to listen whenever you're ready to tell me, Gallus."
I managed to smile, despite the fact that I was now rekindling the one memory that I wanted to keep extinguished as long as possible. "Alright. So, you know that I don't have a family back in Griffonstone. Or at least, that's what it is now." A sad sigh escape my mouth again, and this didn't go unnoticed by the earth pony, who gently patted my back in a gesture of comfort, which I appreciated. "What I didn't tell you all was what actually happened to them."
The statement itself felt like a sharp blade embedding into my chest. I kept it buried for so long, but I couldn't turn back now. Sandbar was my friend and maybe more - I knew that I could trust him, under the snowy skies and the glow of the moonlight, where the whole world was deaf except the two of us.
"It dated back to the very first Blue Moon Festival we celebrated together as a family. As you already know, that is the only day griffons actually try to be nice to each other." A bittersweet smile made its way to my face as I thought of that again. "Before that, Pa was always away, for reasons that I still don't really understand now. He was almost exactly like Grandpa Gruff - tough, mean and snobbish, as you would all describe. But Ma - she was really nice. And not just "as nice as griffons can be", but she was actually caring. She doesn't show it to other griffons... but with me, you have no idea how warm she was towards me."
The gentle face of my mother floated into my mind, making my soul yearn for the warmth that only her feathers could provide. The pain was almost already unbearable, but I kept going anyway.
"On the night Pa finally decided to give the holiday a chance, he came back and was welcomed with great news: I had a new brother. He was born on the day of The Blue Moon Festival. How lucky is that!" Again, that same feeling coursed through my soul, a mixture of reminiscent joy and heartache all at the same time. "And yet... I never knew that was going to be his last holiday as well." Sandbar looked visibly shocked at what I said, but he remained silent anyway.
I felt myself starting to well up as I continued to speak. "We were having so much fun, and Pa was actually trying to be nice for once. Ma was so happy, I swore that she actually cried out of sheer joy. We never get together as a whole family - and yet today, we were all sitting at the same table, wearing bright smiles on our faces and carrying a newborn griffon as we celebrate the year's only holiday for us. In fact, I myself was so excited that I flew out of the house and gazed into the city bathed under the night lights after our dinner. I actually felt like Silverstream then." This managed to get a little chuckle out of the earth pony beside me. Somehow, hearing his laugh always lightens my heart a little bit, though not so much this time.
"It was also the only time that griffons ever bother with decorations. I got so lost in the moment that I actually found myself singing as I flew through the whole city under the snow." I smiled, feeling a lone tear slide down my cheek as I remembered my childish voice attempting to hit the high notes in midflight.
"I thought I could return home before our own little gathering we planned before midnight. I thought it was fine if I just left the house for a moment to have some time on my own. I had never been more wrong." As I spoke those words, the smile is wiped from my face. I took a moment to compose myself, gathering my shaky breaths as I told Sandbar the event that had forever changed my life.
"I... I thought everything would be fine when I got back. I thought they would just be waiting for me by the fire, probably looking confused as to where I've gone in my frenzy of excitement. And... when I returned home... I... I found everything in flames. My entire house, the area around it - everything that I've ever known and loved then."
Sandbar was obviously taken aback, the shocked look on his face speaking thousands of words that his mouth could never hope to. I blinked, feeling more tears fall as I tried to speak without choking on my words. "I didn't even know what happened. I was just a scared little griffon, crying as some others who have witnessed the event put out the fire. It wasn't difficult in that kind of weather... but it was enough. To take everything that I have from me." A bitter tone laced my voice as those words escape my mouth. I still remember it so clearly - the taste of ash and smoke on my tongue, the searing, stifling heat pressing against me, as if the whole world was closing in, forcing me down to my claws. And I couldn't do anything except crying for Ma and Pa. And even my little brother who never got the chance to be named.
"And after that, everything just went back to normal. At least, for every other griffon. The loss of a family is not even remotely important to them." I forced a laugh, one that ended with me coughing from the thickness in my throat. "Everyone just moved on, like nothing happened, like they were not affected in the slightest." My gaze fell to the floor, unable to meet his eyes, not when my own are filled with tears. "And I was no one. No one but a griffon who had never felt more homesick than ever, even though I was technically still home. Yet, it wasn't my home. Home was a place with Ma and Pa, a loving family with a warm house, a family who just had another child that didn't even get the chance to hear his own name being called."
I don't know if I was crying or what, but I can clearly see the tears falling onto the crystal floor beneath us. "I wandered the streets of Griffonstone since then, a lost child that no one could spare time to pity. Not that I wanted that, mind you, but I felt like I was nothing. I hanged around Grandpa Gruff, at some fanatical wish that I could still feel something close to having a family, but of course, I was only lying to myself. I didn't know when or how it happened, but it did. I grew colder and meaner, just like everyone else in Griffonstone. I never noticed it... but now I see it so clearly. I lost almost all of myself." I shook my head. "I'm just a bully, a mean creature that no other could hope to love."
I didn't know if Sandbar spoke or tried to say something comforting, but all I knew was I was only ranting - practically yelling the next moment. "I'm nothing but a failure! If I hadn't flown away that day... if I had just stayed with them, I would be with them now. I would have passed on to a better life, with no worries and no burdens to carry, only a little griffon living happily with his family forever. Away from mean griffons. Away from the world which likes to take everything you ever loved and burn it to the ground. A world that only reminds me that I can't do anything well..." I shake my head, clearing my throat with a cough - a futile action, it seemed. "Just look. I almost ruined all of your holidays... and I'm probably upsetting you now with my own problems."
The thought of Sandbar and my other friends potentially leaving me, alone on the streets once more, a poor griffon with nothing left but his worthless life, wandering through this mess when nothing else matters...
It was too much. The emotional stress and the pain of the opening of my old wounds overwhelmed me, and I broke down.
Griffons didn't cry. They fluffed their feathers even in the face of pain, they shoot back with a sharper comment whenever they're hurt. But being around Sandbar weakened my defenses. I couldn't muster the energy to do anything else other than openly cry, the whole world blurring as I felt like I was drowning in my tears.
And then, something unexpected happened.
I didn't know when or how, but a felt a pair of strong forehooves wrap around me, slowly realizing that the earth pony leaving me with so many conflicting emotions was hugging me. Unable to respond in any other way, I wordlessly hugged him back, unfurling my wings to properly envelop the pony in front of me. If it wasn't for him, I didn't know how I would have coped. I probably would have kept this secret locked inside me, unable to face the truth, unable to move on.
"Gallus..." Sandbar finally spoke after what felt like an eternity. "I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve this... no one deserves this." He pulled back slightly, still keeping his hooves on me, just enough to look into my eyes directly. "I know how you feel because I had the same loving parents, just like your mom. I don't know what I'd do without them either." I felt my crying slowly cease, but still sobbing as I held on to him, fearing that he'd let go for whatever reason.
"I wasn't the toughest colt either back then, you know?" He said, sidling closer to me, possibly for warmth, but I guess it was mostly for emotional support. "When I got my cutie mark, every filly and colt was laughing at me. What a ridiculous cutie mark for an earth pony, they would say. Three turtles! Would you believe it?" He gave a humorless laugh, glancing at his flank where the symbol of three turtles were.
"I never thought I'd be good with animals - turtles, especially. I found one while on the beach with my parents, and I helped it get to the water since it got injured. And just like that, boom, my cutie mark appeared. It didn't even seem like a special talent to me, yet here it is, a mark that means a lot like Professor Fluttershy's." He sighed, a gesture that I didn't expect from someone like him.
"The teasing didn't stop after that. I tried to ignore them, but it was impossible. I once felt like I was useless, like I was straying farther and farther away from my childhood dream to become a veterinarian such as Professor Fluttershy. Chasing my hopes seem to only make me lose faith in myself, with every taunt and sneer thrown my way." For a moment, I saw real sadness in his expression, one that made me want to punch every colt and filly that had ever dared to say a word against him.
"But my parents were always there for me. Heck, even my younger sister knew how to comfort me. She just had to place her hoof on mine, while my parents held me, whispering reassuring words into my ear." A genuine smile then replaced the sadness from a moment ago. "I knew that I couldn't have even met you all if it weren't for them. They agreed to let me switch to another school, and when I said I wanted to attend Princess Twilight's new school, they agreed almost immediately."
I'm thankful for that too, for if not, I wouldn't even have met Sandbar, or knew that other creatures were actually awesome in a way that I can never hope to be. I kept a wing draped over the earth pony's back as he continued to speak.
"What I'm saying is... I understand how you feel. Maybe not completely, since I know that I can never experience the same pain as you did. The point is, you're not worthless or terrible. This is all new for me too. Meeting and befriending new creatures, learning about friendship in-depth... it's all made better because of all of you. In fact, my life is better here because of you."
I blushed again, once again self-conscious. The feelings I've dismissed every time they surfaced now came back at full force. Why did Sandbar always had that effect on me? Why was he different from Smolder or Ocellus? Was he really saying what I hoped he was saying?
My questions are washed away with one single answer as I felt the pony's lips caressing my cheek, lighting up my face in a massive blush, visible even under the thick layer of feathers. I didn't flinch or move away, and I found myself actually enjoying the feeling. When he finally pulled away, looking at me with a gentle, loving gaze, I found myself nuzzling him back.
I can't believe it. Sandbar, one of my best friends that got me feeling that my heart was melting every time I was near him, was actually kissing me. And this made me realize something.
I was probably in love. More than probably - maybe even completely. I always knew what I felt towards this pony wasn't mere friendship, and if anyone tells me that there are plenty of girls that I could chase after, I'd just say screw them and choose him anyway.
"You know, ponies do have a gift-exchanging ceremony at the end of the night of Hearth's Warming..." Sandbar himself blushed as he said that. "I know griffons don't celebrate it the same way we do, but... wait a minute." He ran off inside the castle, leaving me missing the warmth that leaning against him provided. I hoped that he wouldn't take long.
Sure enough, a few moments later, the earth pony emerged again with a small box, wrapped in some colorful festive paper that I've never seen before. He handed me the gift, and I reached out to grasp it with my claws. It was not very heavy, but I had not the slightest clue of what's inside.
"You know... it's almost midnight now. I'd like you to open it." Sandbar looked at me with a red face, still smiling.
I did as I was told, tearing the wrapping paper and opening the lid of the box. My eyes widened as I saw what laid inside. A tiny necklace resembling the shape of Sandbar's cutie mark laid in the box, made out of onyx stone.
"I managed to get Professor Rarity to help me... I hoped that it was something so that you wouldn't forget me." The pony looks up at me with an embarrassed but hopeful look. Out of instinct, my claws worked to put the tiny gift around my neck, excited to see how it looked on me. It felt like Sandbar gave me part of himself, making a mark forever in my heart.
At that moment, all of my worries and pain gathered throughout the day disappeared.
I pulled the earth pony in for a wing hug, feeling the long-lost warmth return instantly. I feel his head resting on my fluffy feathers, making me blush slightly. Looking at the turtle hanging from my neck again, I reached out to my free wing and plucked a blue feather with my beak. I looked down at the serene pony beneath my wing, and smiled unknowingly as I placed the feather behind his left ear.
This caused Sandbar to open his eyes and glance up at the wing feather now nestled behind his ear. He looked like he was about to say something, but I gently pressed my beak against his mouth, telling him that he didn't need to speak.
Luckily, he got my message, simply giving into the kiss, filling us both with warmth that was impenetrable by the cold winter air. We were content to watch the quiet night sky with me never lifting my wing off him. And for once, I felt that I truly belonged once more. Not as an orphan seeking pity, not as a griffon pretending to be better than everyone else, not as someone that felt out of place all the time, with no one to love and be loved in returned.
And in that moment, I thought to myself, It is certainly nice to be lost and found, after so long.