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// Chapter 3 - It's As Easy As Falling Off A Log 
// Story: Off The Mark 
// by Goldfur 
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Dinner had been both frustrating and educational, and I’m not just talking about my visit to the porcelain receptacle.  Trixie had kept her word and allowed me to order the biggest and juiciest steak the Royal Kitchen could cook up.  The chef’s skeptical look did not discourage me, but the smirk on the blue mare’s face should have tipped me off.  While we were waiting for our meals, I took in the details of the dining room.  It looked fancy but still quite normal… for humans.  I glared at the cutlery in front of me and then queried my host.

“How the hell am I supposed to use these?” I asked as I indicated the offending knife and fork.  “It’s not as if I have fingers anymore.  I don’t have that magic horn of yours to levitate them.  Why give them to me at all?”

“How else are you going to cut your steak?” Trixie replied unhelpfully.

I gave her a flat look before ineffectually prodding the offending silverware with my hoof.  “Last I saw, hooves aren’t very useful for picking up things.”

Trixie giggled.  “How would you know?  Have you tried?”

Now I knew she was yanking my chain.  Gritting my teeth I ground out, “I don’t have fingers on my hoof!”

“What are fingers?  Are they anything like griffon talons?  That’s how they handle their steaks.”  Her grin just kept getting bigger.

“You knew this was going to happen, didn’t you? You wanted me to get my steak and not be able to eat it.”

She pursed her lips and tutted in a show of exaggerated solicitude.  “Do you think so little of the Kind and Generous Trixie that I would torment you so?”

I started to fume.  “If you’re so concerned, would you care to explain?”

“What is there to explain?  Pick them up and use them.”

I slammed my hoof on the table, rattling the plates, cutlery, and various other dining table accessories.  I waved my knife in her face and snarled, “What sort of explanation is that?!  Can’t you stop playing mind games for one moment and tell… me…”  I trailed off as Trixie smirk grew to monumental proportions as her eyes regarded the knife.  Mine shifted to look at it too.  It was there on my upraised hoof.  Firmly held. No fingers.  Impossible!  It suddenly clattered to the table.  I looked back to Trixie and asked, “What happened?”

She shrugged.  “You stopped holding it.”

“How did I hold it in the first place?”

“You stopped thinking that you couldn’t and just picked it up as any pony would,” she replied, demonstrating by picking up her fork in her hoof without her horn glowing.  “Trixie suggests you practice because she is not going to cut up your food and feed you.”

I put my hoof on the knife handle, feeling the cold metal through the frog.  I still didn’t understand how I had picked it up the first time, and Trixie was a lousy teacher, but maybe if I pictured in my mind grasping it with my absent fingers…?” I felt it this time – a flow of energy around my hoof.  I lifted it and the knife came along with it.  I could somehow feel my grasp on the handle and I tested that hold by pressing the tip of the knife against the table.  It held firm.  Magic. These ponies took these things for granted but I was going to have to learn – although hopefully not from the mocking mare in front of me.

When my steak finally arrived, I was able to cut and consume it with gusto, much to my regret afterwards.  When I dragged myself back to the table from the bathroom, Trixie was enjoying a large dessert.

With her mouth still half full, she said, “The Kind and Thoughtful Trixie ordered you a garden salad.”  She indicated it with her spoon.

While I thought I would not be interested in food any more after that episode, my stomach reminded me that it was empty… again. I sat back on my chair and regarded the large bowl of vegetables.  I could see lettuce, cucumber, scallions, cherry tomatoes, olives, sun-dried tomatoes, cheese, plus a light dressing, and it smelled pretty good.  I picked up my fork but before I dug in, I glared at Trixie and asked, “Why didn’t you tell me that ponies can’t eat meat?”

“Who says we can’t?” she replied infuriatingly.

I groaned.  “Then why did I just consign my steak to a toilet bowl?”

“Ponies have always been able to eat meat – pegasi are inexplicably fond of fish – but always in modest amounts.  If you had eaten a quarter of that steak, you would have been fine.”

I had stuffed my face with some of the salad while Trixie was talking, and I chewed and, unlike the supposed paragon of ponies,  swallowed before replying, “But you were disgusted by my wanting to eat a steak. What gives?”

“The Great and Refined Trixie would not stoop to eating a formerly living thing, even if the meat came from a non-sapient cow.”

“So you’re saying it’s a cultural choice? Wait!  Sapient cow?  Are you telling me that there are talking cows here?”

“Of course.  The bovine guild would go on strike if we even considered serving them up to our griffon guests.”

My head swam.  “Besides ponies, griffons, and cows, what other species am I going to end up having an awkward conversation with?”

“Let’s see…  There are the minotaurs, zebras, diamond dogs – uncouth ruffians, Abyssinians, deer–”

“Enough!  I get it – don’t assume that anything is just an animal.  Sheesh!  How much more ridiculous can this place get?”

“Trixie recommends that you stop complaining and keep eating, or else she will take your dessert too.”

I pointed warningly at the mare with my fork. “Don’t you dare!  If there’s anything as sacred to a man as a steak, it’s his dessert.”

Trixie just laughed, but she didn’t steal the generously sized piece of apple and blackberry pie that was waiting for me despite my taking the time to chew the salad properly before swallowing.  One upset stomach was enough, thank you!

I have to say that pony chefs know how to cook.  I was never much of a salad eater before, but I loved every bite of this one.  And the pie was heavenly.  No wonder Trixie threatened to eat my portion.  Not that she couldn’t have ordered more from the kitchen anyway.  Me too, come to think of it.  I sighed – I had let her get to me again.

I leaned back in the chair with a groan of satisfaction. I was pleasantly stuffed and my mood lightened.  I regarded my host a touch more benignly and thanked her for the meal.  “That was a wonderful dinner, but I suppose we had better get back to more important matters, to wit – what happens to me now?”

Trixie tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Hmmm.  Trixie supposes that she should throw you in the dungeon for the destruction of royal property.”

“WHAT?!  Hey, lady, and I use that term very loosely, it’s not my fault that someone left a powerful arcane object where innocent people can stumble upon it!  I hardly wanted to come to this crazy world.”

The blue pony merely smirked at me again.  “The Great and Forgiving Trixie pardons you for your crime.”

I reminded myself not to let Trixie get under my skin – or under my green coat I suppose.  “Well, thanks a bunch, ‘Princess’.  With that option of royal accommodation off the table, that still leaves me at loose ends. Maybe I should consult with that Guild of Mages that you mentioned.  Maybe they could get me home?”

Trixie’s face fell and she waved her hooves in distress. “No!  You can’t talk to them!”

I raised a quizzical eyebrow.  “Why not?”

“If they learn what happened to the portal mirrors, they may decide it’s Trixie’s fault that Princess Celestia and Princess Luna can’t return.”

“I thought you were worried about being stuck with this job?”

“It’s a lot more preferable to the alternative.  The Great and Wise Trixie rules only through the good graces of the Guild, the Element Bearers, and the nobles who sought stability in the absence of the alicorns.  If they think that the Princesses will never return, Trixie’s days may be numbered.”

“Well, that sucks for you, but how else do I get home?”

“Hark Knells – do you really think that the Guild of Mages could do something that even the alicorns could not do without an enchanted portal?”

That brought me down to earth with a thud.  I didn’t even feel like correcting Trixie for mangling my name again.  I thought hard but only one alternative came up for the moment.  “I suppose I need to stick around here in case something comes up.  You wouldn’t happen to have an opening for a computer analyst, would you?”

“Trixie has no idea what that is, but what makes you think that the Important and Busy Trixie has need of you?  She may just send you on your way.”

I gave her a level stare.  “Are you telling me that you’re simply going to kick me out into a world I don’t know, homeless and destitute?”

“You could take a job as an air courier,” she suggested innocently.

“One – I don’t know how to fly.  Two – I have a better idea.  Seeing as you’re quite willing to just throw me out, I might be just as willing to spread the news about how the Great and Deceptive Trixie is the Princess of Scams.  I wonder how much the local newspaper would pay me for that story?”

The de facto ruler of Equestria laughed nervously. “The Silly and Humorous Trixie was only kidding.  She is sure that she can find a place for you here at the palace.”

Score one for me, but I had no intention of just hanging around doing nothing, even if it was in the lap of luxury.  “Tell you what, Duchess – it sounds like you could use a little help running things around here.  How about me lending a hand… I mean a hoof… and we can both try to make the best of the situation together.”

The mare brightened.  “The Wise and Clever Trixie knows what to do.  I will make you my Grand Vizier!”

I blinked in surprise.  “That’s a rather… extreme title.  How about just Advisor?”

“Nay!  Raven Inkwell is already Empress Trixie’s chief advisor.  You need a position that gives you an excuse to be at Trixie’s call at any time.”

I rolled my eyes and sighed.  “Okay – Grand Vizier it is.  Do I get a uniform?  I’m tired of walking around naked.”

Trixie looked askance at me.  “What is wrong with that?  Don’t you want the mares to see your breeding potential?”

“SAY WHAT?!”  My God – I hadn’t been imagining the looks I had been getting from some of the staff.

“Never mind,” Trixie continued.  “If you desire a uniform, one can be acquired.  Besides, the Princess of Equestria can do without the distraction.”

So now I was a potential stud.  I couldn’t imagine getting it on with a pony, but they had no idea that I was a human inside this horsehair coat.  Those clothes could not come soon enough for me.

Trixie got up from her chair and headed towards the balcony.  “Attend Trixie, Grand Vizier!”

Glad of the distraction, I followed Trixie as she opened the glass balcony doors and stepped outside.  She went right up to the railing and gazed around proudly while I stopped a half-pace back to look around.  The sun was fairly low in the west, about an hour from sunset, I guessed. The city below was still well lit, but lengthening shadows added sharp contrast to the various buildings. Everywhere I looked, there were ponies going about their business – predominantly unicorns, but I saw quite a few of the other kinds.  Cute foals played in the streets without two-ton automobiles to worry about.  It was colorful and idyllic, and suddenly it didn’t seem so bad being stranded in this world.

“The Magnificent and Illustrious Trixie comes out here every afternoon so that her subjects may see that she watches over them.”

“I don’t know how many of them actually notice you, except for some of those pegasi flying by,” I commented.

Trixie gave me a sour look, but then her smirk returned. “You say that you don’t know how to fly like those pegasi.  Trixie reckons that you have yet to even try.”

Her horn glowed and I felt myself being lifted off the floor.  “Hey! What do you think you’re doing?!”

“Remember Trixie’s lesson with the knife – your body knows how to fly, so let it.”

She moved me over the balcony railing and there was nothing between me and the ground about fifty yards below.  I froze in terror and I barely managed to squeak out, “Bring me back!”

“Like a mother bird pushing her chicks out of the nest to teach them to fly, Trixie will teach you how to be a proper pegasus. Spread your wings, Lark Bells, and fly!”

With that, she released her magic hold on me and I plummeted downwards.  I tried to spread my wings, but they were locked to my sides in terror.  A flagpole approached and I desperately grabbed for it with my two front hooves.  Miraculously, the same magic grip that let me hold a knife with my hoof also seemed to work on flagpoles.  I clung like a leech while the pole bent dangerously, creaking from the strain.  Then it snapped back, almost managing to fling me off again, finally forcing my wings partially open to flop about uselessly. As the pole wobbled back and forth, I managed to wrap my hind legs around it, securing my position.  I glanced nervously toward the ground which was still too far away for my taste.





“What do you think you are doing, Dark Smells? That’s no way to fly,” came Trixie’s voice way above me.

“I’m afraid of heights, you fool mare!”I yelled back.

I felt myself enveloped in her magic once more, but it took a mighty effort for her to separate me from my friend, the flagpole. I jammed my eyes closed as I ascended back to the balcony, and I did not open them again until I felt my hooves touch the floor.  My legs shook uncontrollably and I nearly collapsed.

“What the hell was that idea, Trixie?” I asked shakily.

“You’re a pegasus – you need to be able to fly or you will look suspicious.”

“Well, you’re a terrible flight instructor, and I like my feet to stay on the ground, thank you very much!”

“Trixie does not know what a feet is, but she knows you must confront your fears as Trixie once had to.”

“Not today, I don’t.  Give me a room so I can get some rest – it’s been a crazy day.”

“Very well, but you must wait until the sun has been set first.”

“I don’t want to wait an hour while you sunbathe.”

Trixie laughed condescendingly.  “Don’t be foalish, Spark Gells – sunset is scheduled for a little over a minute from now.  The Magnificent and Glorious Empress Trixie must be seen to perform her royal duty.”

“What in heaven's name are you talking about?”

Instead of answering me, she moved over to the railing and her horn glowed.  The artificial wings that she still wore started unfolding under the influence of her magic until they were fully spread.  I had to admit that she looked quite impressive, but I wondered what the show was for.  Then I noticed something that nearly made my mind check out again – the sun was suddenly accelerating towards the horizon.  Two seconds later, it had set.  And just for an encore, I saw the moon rising nearby at the same inexplicable rate before it settled down to a more sedate orbit.  Trixie folded her wings and turned back to me with a smile of satisfaction.

“There – that did not take long, did it?”

“Did you…?  The sun and moon…  But how?” I dithered.

“Did not Trixie tell you that the Guild of Mages maintains the sun and moon’s schedule?  The Great and Powerful Trixie merely maintains the illusion that she controls them as Celestia and Luna once did.”

“I thought you were talking about some superstition, but you ponies really do control them!”

Trixie gave me a curious look.  “Who controls them on your world, Bark Sells?”

“Nobody controls them!  They’re too big to be controlled, and they don’t need to be anyway!” I screeched.

The mare shook her head and said, “The Sympathetic and Understanding Trixie thinks you need some rest.  You are beginning to rave.”

I sighed and sagged.  “Bed sounds very nice right now.”

Trixie summoned a maid who guided me to a guest room. Right then I didn’t really appreciate just how nice it was, instead heading for the en-suite bathroom to take care of necessities before climbing wearily into bed.  So ended my first full day on a truly alien world, trapped in a form that was not of my choosing.  Surely things had to get better tomorrow?

Despite my tiredness, I could not get to sleep.  I had to get one thing off my chest before I could relax.  I pulled back the sheet and raised my hoof towards the ceiling where I imagined Trixie’s room was, and I shook it like it was a fist.  “My name is MARK WELLS, you dyslexic dipstick!”

Feeling a lot better, I settled back down and quickly went to sleep.


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