Royal Peanut Butter

by Darkstarling


Crystal Heart

The worst thing about love is how it can take you over. I should know, it's the basis of changeling mind magic. It's really nothing but love, laced with just enough Deceit to change the context. You have to understand, I knew that allowing myself to have feelings for Cadance was a horrible idea. I knew there was no way things could possibly work out. I knew that indulging my feelings would just end in pain. But it just felt too good to stop myself from seeing her. And putting myself achingly close to what I wanted and couldn't have became it's own perverse, desperate thrill.

And so we wrote, and we visited, and we talked. Sometimes with Shining, sometimes without. It was infuriatingly easy to see what she saw in him. Handsome, powerfully magical, surprisingly intelligent, and completely deserving of the absolute trust she placed in him. But for me it was always her. I could acknowledge that he was, barely, good enough for her, but I never wanted him for myself.

As weeks rolled on wild scenarios drifted through my head. Somehow, impossibly, Shining betraying her trust and Cadance turning to me for comfort. They both betrayed Celestia out of love for me, and we ruled Equestria together. Once I woke from a dream, panting and soaked in sweat. I had dreamed Shining put me in a collar and petted me, telling me what a good little bug I was for surrendering, while Cadance did wonderful things to me that made me collapse to my knees. I couldn't tell if I was terrified or desperately aroused, and in the end I had to throw myself into a cold mountain lake to even pretend to go back to sleep.

And all through this, the invasion plans progressed. We harvested love, and I used it to lay enough soldier eggs to put us far over sustainable capacity. We cycled the active warriors through hibernation pods to ensure they all received training while holding off starvation. My spies brought back reports of guard dispositions. And Best Moon funds, along with carefully planted rumors and research, led to Luna embarking for Somnambula on a long quest to recover her ancient swords. I was Queen, I had to do my best. It had to be worth it in the end. It was shaping up to be one of my greatest victories, and it made me sick.


It's amazing how close you can grow to somepony, and how quickly. Friendship is...well, you know. We'd barely known each other for two months, and between the wedding planning and my royal duties and her business we hadn't seen each other nearly as much as we wanted. But with the constant letters and the instant connection we had felt it seemed we had known each other forever. Known each other well enough to ask anything.

One night, she asked me about Shining Armor.

"Cadance..." she asked, and for once there was a crack in her endless confidence, "how do you love Shining?"

I paused to think before I answered, confused. Not why, but how. She'd asked so seriously, and I didn't even know what she wanted. "I don't know what you mean" I finally admitted.

"You love him. He's the light of your world." She stated it as an absolute fact, which it was. "I know why. But I don't understand how. Especially when..." and then she looked down. And I understood. I'd seen that expression before. "...when you know you're going to see him grow old and die?"

I winced, even though I'd known what was coming. I wanted to be mad at her for asking, but I couldn't blame her. Everyone thought it eventually, if they thought at all. Of course Chrysanthemum would be one of the few willing to risk asking aloud. And even she looked deeply uncomfortable, something which I thought was impossible. I sighed, let the anger go before it formed, and thought how I'd reply.

"Ponies don't understand love" I eventually said. "They think you can only truly love one pony, or love one at a time. But it doesn't work that way. I've never married before, but Shiny isn't the only pony I've loved. And Harmony willing he won't be the last. He knows that." I smiled sadly, remembering all our talks about this very topic. "He knows that, and he's giving me his whole life even though I can't give him mine. Because he really does understand the most important truth. Love doesn't take away. Love is a gift. What matters is what we do with it when it comes."

Chrissi nodded. She looked sad, and small somehow. That was not what I was expecting. And then I realized something.

"But that's not what you were asking is it?" I said softly. She looked up sharply. "I'm sorry if I'm misunderstanding, okay? And I don't want to pry even if I'm right. But, have you lost somepony you loved?"


My face fell. Of course. Of course she could see right through me. This is why you should never let others get so close.

"Yes" I said. "But not the way you mean. Family, not a lover." She nodded, not saying a word. And it came to me that she had meant it. She wouldn't demand more than I would tell, wouldn't judge. She really did just want to help her friend, who she saw was in pain.

"I miss my sisters" I said quietly. It slipped out before I could stop it. Cadance looked at me in surprise. Of course I hadn't told her about them, even in hints. No one knew about them, after all these centuries. No one but me. "It's the strangest thing. We fought. Said horrible things to each other, betrayed each other. We were rivals in everything." Memories were rushing back, ones I usually kept locked away. Old battles flashed before my eyes, reeking of smoke and ichor. "But what I never understood... if anyone threatened any of us, we'd all fight for each other like manticores." Mantodea pulling me from a minotaur prison cell, her face covered in old scars from my claws. Standing united against Dragonlord Firestar, driving him from the wastes. A truce, one winter solstice, pretending we'd never molted and the Brood War never came. Some of my feelings must have shown on my face, because Cadance wrapped me in a comforting wing. I didn't need comfort. It was an old wound. I was Queen. I was strong. I snuggled close beside her.

"What happened to them?" Cadance asked gently.

"They died. A long time ago." The memories kept coming. I saw Lepidoptera's last stand in her brood chamber, a wall of my soldier's corpses before a ravaging behemoth. Tasting Mantodea's blood, sure it was another body double, only to feel sick recognition...and even deeper sickness as the toxin she had eaten at the last took hold on me. Treacherous to the end. The final duel with Apocrita as the storm raged and her parasitic larva twisted in my chest. I was appalled to find I was crying, shuddering and sobbing as she held me, but I couldn't stop. "I miss them. I miss them so much. I always tell myself they're why I have to fight so hard, make it worth it. I promised I would make them proud."

Cadance just held me, making shushing noises and stroking my mane. "It's alright Chrysanthemum. It's alright little flower." It was comforting, but at the same time it felt like I was being stabbed. Calling my full name and a pet name to call on foalhood memories like I actually had them, like this wasn't just fake. It wasn't alright, it would never be alright, and she didn't know why. Could never know why. Everything I'd thought earlier about her loving who I really am was wrong. I was a monster, I had always been a monster. I'd just let myself pretend otherwise for a while. I pulled away from her like she was burning me. "Chrissi..." she said. But she didn't reach for me. I could see her struggling not to, and I'll never be able to express how much I appreciated that.

"I'm sorry" I managed to choke out. "Thank you, for everything. I have to go but I mean it. Thank you." And I staggered out of the house, despondent, leaving behind an alicorn staring after me with wide eyes.


She hadn't gotten far by the time I caught up with her. She was far too upset to fly, after all. She was trudging down the street, quietly sobbing, and the sight almost broke my heart.

"Chrissi please wait" I said. She didn't turn around, didn't look at me. But she did stop. "I'm sorry I brought up something so painful for you. And we don't have to talk anymore, or even be in the same room if you don't want to okay? But...you shouldn't be completely alone. Not when you're like this. Stay the night? Please?"

"Alright" she said after a moment, so quietly I could barely hear her. She didn't move though. I walked up to her cautiously, extended a wing to guide her, ready to pull away if she flinched. She didn't, rustling under my wing and up against me as I led us back. "Thank you" she said, even more quietly.

I took her inside and led her to the bed, blessing my horn as I tucked her in the sheets while making tea in the kitchen. Shining was sleeping in the officer's quarters tonight, something we'd normally both be cursing, but tonight it worked out well. Her sobs had died down to hiccups as I brought her the cup of fresh tea. She sipped it quietly.

"Cadance" she asked, looking up at me. "Can love make you change? Can it... make you a better pony?"

I sighed sadly. That was another question I got often, usually in horrible circumstances. "No" I answered. This was a hard truth I had always sworn to be honest about. The cost of doing otherwise was too high. "It can make you want to be better, and it can bring out your best qualities. But love won't change anypony. Not your love or somepony else's. They have to do that themselves." On instinct I bent down and kissed her forehead. "I don't think you're a bad pony, no matter how much you're hurting or what you feel guilty for. If somepony has hurt you, it's not because you didn't love them enough. And if they're still hurting you," I added, my voice going cold, "you only have to tell me and I will make them stop. Okay?"

Chrissi nodded quietly. "Cadance, could you...please hold me while I sleep?" I felt my heart break again. She just wanted comfort and looked like she thought she was asking for the Sun and Moon. Without a word I slipped into bed and held her close.


I had a moment of clarity that night, drifting to sleep in the arms of the mare I loved. It came calmly, and with complete and utter conviction. Cadance, I thought, you're going to destroy me.


One night, weeks later, Chrissi and I were staggering out of the Flamingo Dance Club. I had my favorite swishy ladybug dress and top hat, while she had another of the suits she preferred. We had finally had our dance or three, and what dances they were. We were sweaty, our back legs were aching, and we were glowing fit to rival the club's neon sign.

"We have conquered!" Chrissi was happily proclaiming. "Laid low our enemies and swept all before us in complete domination!"

"Chrissi, it was only a dance off" I said. But I couldn't even pretend to make it sound like a rebuke.

"Only a dance off so hot it set the floor on fire. They will never rise from the ashes of their defeat! I guarantee you, between the two of us, everyone in that club is still putting their eyes back in their sockets and picking their mouths off the floor."

I giggled a bit. "Well...maybe. Or definitely. But you still don't see me gloating about it."

"You enjoy the moment your way, I'll enjoy it mine. But you can't deny it was a moment. I thought I was good, but when you took the lead...whew. I didn't know the equine body could move that way."

"It doesn't, not by itself" I said with a grin. "That's part of why I love it so much. Swing was a minotaur dance, it's made for bipeds. The only way ponies can do it is by cooperating. And," I added, bumping hips "to really shine you need the right partner."

She rolled her eyes playfully. "Are you going to tell me now that learning to move together in a new and unfamiliar way is a metaphor for love?"

"Oh I have a whole lecture on ways to make it a metaphor" I replied. "Love, sex, diplomacy...Shiny's rubbed off on me." I saw her snort at that and I rolled my eyes myself. She didn't even need to say the double entendres aloud anymore. "It is also complete hogwash. Anything can be a metaphor if you want it to be. I just like dancing. Especially with you."

She gave me another of her strange quirked smiles, and completely unexpectedly wrapped me in a close hug. I leaned into it, sighing happily. And just like that I felt my heart glowing, felt the rosy glow even as she backed up, still smiling, and gestured for me to walk along beside her. Oh no, I thought. That's all I need. At least please, Harmony, let it be unreciprocated. Out of respect for her privacy I'd kept my magic to myself since we met. But I reached out now. And there it was, a mutual love bond clear as day. Young still, just infatuation, but with deep potential and strong for its age.

Well, I thought, that's just great.


The night of our dance I woke to contractions, gravid and my bed already full of eggs. Embarrassment at laying in my sleep warred with shock. This was impossible. I knew I didn't have enough love for more eggs, never mind the other prerequisite. The closest I had come all week was that dance with Cadance. And no matter how intense it was, that wouldn't have been enough. Sex wasn't strictly required for changeling reproduction, but laying could only be triggered by some form of physical intimacy with someone...who...was giving you love...

The gasp came from another set of eggs emerging at that moment, not from panic. That arrived completely separately.


It's another hard truth that not all love can or should lead to a relationship. Not even mutual love with no complications, where all partners try their best to make things work. Too many ponies have torn themselves apart for a love, genuine and strong, that led nowhere happy when acted on.

I know that I can hold many loves in my heart without competition or jealousy. It's simply a fact of my life. And I know Shining Armor's heart as well as my own, and it's also a fact that he can't. It isn't a flaw. When he loves he devotes himself completely, body heart and soul. But it's the way he's made. He would see the necessary compromises of such a relationship as a betrayal, especially on his part, and then blame himself for not being accepting enough. He would leave in tears, convinced he wasn't who I needed, when in truth his love had always been far more than enough.

I was resolved to talk to Chrysanthemum, and soon, so we wouldn't have to lose each other. Be honest about everything, so we could work together to end our infatuation and come out as friends. Transitioning Eros to Philia is a tricky process to navigate, but I'm the Princess of Love. If it can be done, I can do it.

All those plans were cut short when I received the letter saying we had to talk, privately, and soon.


Cadance loved me. It was a simple thing really. But that means nothing. Gravity is a simple thing. I was in utter turmoil. She loved me. She was my friend. I've been literally thousands of people ponies have loved. Mares, stallions, griffons, minotaurs... it's a very good trick. Be the one they think you are, take the love that's meant for someone else. Sex, cuddles, a home cooked meal...you could have it all.

She loved me.

And all her love would cost would be betraying my sisters.

We hatched alone. We grew up together, fighting to survive in the wastes. All we had was each other. Until the day of our last molting, when our genes revealed Discord's sick joke. There can only be one Queen.

Everything had to be worth it. I had to make it worth it for what I did to them. I had to make them proud. There was only one right thing to do. It should have been an easy choice. It had never even been a choice before. And now that it was one, I couldn't bear to make it.

I was sitting on a park bench when Cadance arrived. Ordinarily you'd be lucky to find somewhere with no audience, but what in Tartarus is an army of shapeshifters for? Cadance looked sad, which just proved she was no idiot. I have better taste then that.

I knew I was being snippy to avoid breaking down completely, and tried to stifle it. Later I could scream and rant and be as utterly petty as I like, but this was not the time.

"Chrissi," she said, and I almost shattered at the sound of her voice. I desperately raised a hoof to silence her.

"Wait! Wait" I said. "I need to talk. And I can't hear you right now. I couldn't bear it." She nodded silently, and sat down next to me. She always listens, I thought, feeling a stab in my heart. She always knows what I need. "For months now I've been in agony" I began. "And it isn't your fault. It's mine. I loved you, almost since the day we met. And because I knew you didn't love me back, it's been a wonderful torture." Cadance closed her eyes and winced at that, but she said nothing. "You shouldn't blame yourself. I was happy, Cadance. I mean it. Your friendship has meant more to me than you can know. But something changed." I put my hoof under her chin and raised it to look her in the eye. "Cadance, just one word. Do you love me?"

"Yes" she whispered back. And I felt myself shake, even though I already knew it had to be true. I desperately wanted to kiss her, more than I've wanted to kiss anyone in my life. I didn't.

She kissed me.

Just once. Just long enough for the rest of the world to vanish. Just long enough that when she forcibly pulled herself back it felt like part of myself tore away with her.

Cadance's eyes were closed, her face was pained. "Why couldn't you have been born in another century?" She said quietly. It was meant to be rhetorical of course, but I started laughing. It was infectious. It was bitter and sad and hilarious and we couldn't stop even when we started crying. For a few minutes we just held each other, laughing like mad mares. Maybe we were.

"I love you Cadance" I whispered. "I'm yours. But...but this is going to destroy me. If you want me, take me. Please. You have no idea how much I want you to. But if you love me, please. Leave. Leave and never speak to Chrysanthemum Crown again."

And Cadance stood, looking at me with sad eyes and a tear stained face, struggling to speak, before finally turning and galloping away. And I collapsed shaking to the bench.

So that was it then, I thought as the world spun around me. Because she loved me and gave it freely, because she wouldn't claim what was hers, we were enemies. There was a lesson there I suppose. I started laughing again. A drone who had been approaching to check on me turned and ran. I laughed even more at that, and stood. Green fire flared as I returned to my true form.

So that's the way it has to be then. I'll fight you, Cadance. I'll fight you with everything I have, for my sisters and my hive. You gave me that, in the end. You let me do the right thing even if it tore out both our hearts. I'll always thank you for that. And I'll always love you. And that's perfect. I'm very good at killing what I love. So fight back hard. Please, please fight back as hard as you can.

Please don't let me hurt you.